♫ My name is James Bond, and I love to get plastered ♫

January 10, 2012 7:46 AM

James Bond theme, with NSFW lyrics explaining why he is an arsehole.
posted by alzi (76 comments total)

Multiple LOLs, followed by a ROFL.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:47 AM on January 10 [1 favorite]

Well that was awesome.
posted by Jehan at 7:49 AM on January 10

Being suave will let you get away with a lot.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:55 AM on January 10

And having the power of 'that's what the script says happens' helps too,
posted by rough ashlar at 7:58 AM on January 10

Top-rated comment: MOTHERFUCKINGJUDO
posted by box at 8:03 AM on January 10 [3 favorites]

I hope you're not suggesting that the Bond films are unrealistic.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:03 AM on January 10 [1 favorite]

james bond: he'll ski on your lunch
posted by fuzzypantalones at 8:03 AM on January 10 [5 favorites]

Doubleosevenplus Good for "handed lots of folders/martini should be colder" bit at the end.
posted by chavenet at 8:04 AM on January 10 [1 favorite]

I say my good man, that was splendid, what.
posted by punkfloyd at 8:06 AM on January 10

Heh. My son and I have been watching the Bond movies on netflix in order. We're on Moore's last flick. He always has the arrogant swagger, but watching so close together truly gives a sense what an insufferable prick Bond is. Makes me wish Q would have pranked Bond with a stealth taser or some similarly unpleasant non lethal weapon after one of Bond's typically smarmy comments, for a good comeuppance and giving everyone in the lab a good belly laugh as he convulses on the floor.
posted by 2N2222 at 8:13 AM on January 10 [1 favorite]

♫ He learned the game from his uncle James and now he's heeeeir to the name.... sorry I'm old.
posted by dgaicun at 8:17 AM on January 10 [1 favorite]

I thought it had always been understood that JB isn't nice. In the phrase "licensed to kill" the emphasis is always on the first word, not the last, meaning he'd do it anyway, but he found a legal outlet.
posted by DU at 8:18 AM on January 10 [9 favorites]

I'm a huge fan of Bond generally but I accept we tend to look back on the franchise with the rosiest of glasses. I watched Lie and Let Die recently and it was awful. Moonraker is also terrible. Ah well, I'm loving Daniel Craig's depiction of Bond.
posted by dmt at 8:21 AM on January 10 [2 favorites]

Popularizing the vodka martini is Bond's grossest offence.

The Lillet Martini might redeem him a bit, maybe.

'Three measures of Gordon's; one of vodka; half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it over ice, and add a thin slice of lemon peel.'

Anybody tried one?
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 8:24 AM on January 10

Lie and Let Die

That was the one after Dr Yo ?
posted by Pendragon at 8:27 AM on January 10 [1 favorite]

No, it was the one before Tenderballs.
posted by chavenet at 8:29 AM on January 10 [7 favorites]

Moonbaker
posted by DU at 8:33 AM on January 10

Maybe The Guy Who Loved Me?
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:34 AM on January 10 [1 favorite]

Obligatory Mitchell and Webb: Friends of Moneypenny.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 8:34 AM on January 10 [7 favorites]

Not bad, but I'll stick with the one we sing around my office:

James, James, James
Bond
James, James, James
Bond

Drinks a martini with
a girl in a bikini

etc.

I'm a huge fan of Bond generally but I accept we tend to look back on the franchise with the rosiest of glasses. I watched Lie and Let Die recently and it was awful. Moonraker is also terrible.

Moonraker is the worst, except maybe for Octopussy. That's the one where he dresses up like a clown, and recognizes his contact in India because he's playing the James Bond theme. Frankly, all of the Roger Moore ones are pretty much shit. I've long held that the best Bond flick is really an amalgam of all of them: the villain from this one, the gadgets from that one; the love interest from this one, the car from that one.
posted by Amanojaku at 8:38 AM on January 10

On Her Majesty's Secret Service is the best one, because it's the only one where I give a shit about Bond as a person.
posted by nushustu at 8:41 AM on January 10 [3 favorites]

justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow: The Lillet Martini might redeem him a bit, maybe.

'Three measures of Gordon's; one of vodka; half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it over ice, and add a thin slice of lemon peel.'

Anybody tried one?

It's properly called a Vesper, from the novels, IIRC. I've tried one. The vodka smooths the taste, but makes it a bit wattery, in my opinion. I'd opt for a proper martini any day... proper meaning gin and dry vermouth (I like a 4:1 ratio, myself).

However, Lillet Blanc (the modern incarnation of Kina Lillet) is an excellent ingredient in and of itself... try a Corpse Reviver #2 to see it at its best. It's also great on the rocks with a twist of orange peel. Extremely refreshing.
posted by gilrain at 8:43 AM on January 10 [2 favorites]

Because I'm suave it's OK for me to act like a prick...

I'm pretty sure this is actually the entire reason the British Empire is now remembered with fond nostalgia whereas the decline of the more recent so-called "American Empire" is generally cheered.
posted by Western Infidels at 8:44 AM on January 10 [2 favorites]

gilrain: proper meaning gin and dry vermouth

...and a dash of orange bitters. Very important, and it's not technically correct without them. It very much makes the cocktail. Also, it's garnished with a lemon twist, not an olive.

Which isn't to say you can't enjoy any cocktail you like. Some of us just wish they would get their own names, rather than appropriate an existing one.
posted by gilrain at 8:45 AM on January 10 [1 favorite]

Anybody tried one?

Yes, I had one at a friend's wedding last summer and I've become a convert; it's just about the only cocktail I drink now. Aside from that all I drink is whiskey.
posted by Mars Saxman at 8:48 AM on January 10

I thought it had always been understood that JB isn't nice. In the phrase "licensed to kill" the emphasis is always on the first word, not the last, meaning he'd do it anyway, but he found a legal outlet.
posted by DU at 11:18 AM

Very similar to the Beastie Boys, where they are "Licensed to Ill", but it is widely known that they would get ill (possibly as far as rhyming and stealing) even without the license.
posted by orme at 8:52 AM on January 10 [12 favorites]

Frankly, all of the Roger Moore ones are pretty much shit.

Incorrect. Hypothesis empirically disproven by the presence of Grace Jones in A View to a Kill.
posted by howfar at 8:57 AM on January 10 [2 favorites]

I watched Lie and Let Die recently and it was awful.

I just feel sadness and pity for you... that's the muthafucking blacksploitation one! It's fucking awesome!

Oh and Moonraker is so not the worse because of Jaws, obviously.

A View to a Kill is the worse. Not even Grace Jones can save that. And Quantum of Solace with the most boring villain ever. And all the Brosnan ones (ok may be not all of them but the last one was terrible).
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 9:04 AM on January 10

A View to a Kill is the worse. Not even Grace Jones can save that.

I'm telling her you said that.
posted by howfar at 9:08 AM on January 10 [8 favorites]

Oh and I'd argue it's not shit gun because... Brother Mouzone
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 9:11 AM on January 10

I'm telling her you said that.

Well, I'm sure she'll have the.... Grace to accept it. *Does Roger Moore eyebrow raise*
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 9:15 AM on January 10 [14 favorites]

To be fair, Bond's appeal has always been that he's a misogynist psychopath. That's the entire point of the character.
posted by dortmunder at 9:16 AM on January 10 [4 favorites]

Unless Stringer Bell plays the next Bond, I'm done with the dumb assed franchise.
posted by Keith Talent at 9:17 AM on January 10 [2 favorites]

No, it was the one before Tenderballs.

Moonbaker

Maybe The Guy Who Loved Me?

Metafilter once got "Something of Boris" stuck in my head for weeks.
posted by gladly at 9:28 AM on January 10 [1 favorite]

James Bond is a fag... (Baile Funk, life)
posted by yoyo_nyc at 9:41 AM on January 10

What's funny is that Bond isn't even an asshole in the way that a licensed to kill psychopath might indicate. He's not a wanton killer, and the few times he displays passion about killing, it's for understandable reason. But for all his rep as being suave, he's only suave in a frat boy kind of way, at best. That is to say, generally repulsive and assholish, but with shiny things and money to wave around.
posted by 2N2222 at 10:03 AM on January 10 [1 favorite]

It's sad Roger Moore will only be remembered as James Bond. He was great in The Saint.
posted by Pendragon at 10:03 AM on January 10 [2 favorites]

Tenderballs was that last Daniel Craig one, wasn't it?
posted by Crabby Appleton at 10:08 AM on January 10 [2 favorites]

Incorrect. Hypothesis empirically disproven by the presence of Grace Jones Christopher Walken in A View to a Kill.

The scene where Walken laughs as he guns down his own men still makes my blood run cold. Best Bond villain evar.
posted by localroger at 10:10 AM on January 10 [1 favorite]

Frankly, all of the Roger Moore ones are pretty much shit.

Since Roger Moore Bonds include Man With the Golden Gun, I now know precisely how much to discount your assessment.

Also, the first half of Moonraker? Awesome. But just the first half. Oh, if they'd just run out of film or the catering crew had gone on strike or something...
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:11 AM on January 10

How can you people hate Moonraker? It's a classic tale about the life strgglues struggle of a seven-foot, metal-toothed henchman, his battle to overcome prejudice, and his quest for true love.
posted by clarknova at 10:12 AM on January 10 [5 favorites]

Hated Moore. He was always like the dirty perv old man. Not even when he was that old. He skeeved me out. Sean Connory older. Never got the "swoon". Pierce, understood it. Daniel Craig--definately understand it. ;)
posted by stormpooper at 10:15 AM on January 10

No, no, no, Diamonds Are Forever and Man With the Golden Gun are the worst. No redeeming qualities whatsoever. The bad Brosnan and later Moore ones are slick yet tacky, but DAF and MWGG are symbols of the worst excesses of the self-satisfied Seventies.
posted by infinitewindow at 10:16 AM on January 10

No, no, no, Diamonds Are Forever and Man With the Golden Gun are the worst.

Uh huh. The Bond with Sir Christopher Fucking Lee as the villain. 'The worst'. 'No redeeming qualities'. I'll let him know.
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:22 AM on January 10 [2 favorites]

Incorrect. Hypothesis empirically disproven by the presence of Grace Jones Christopher Walken in A View to a Kill.

A fair point. I wish they'd fallen in love on set and had the eeriest children ever.
posted by howfar at 10:24 AM on January 10 [4 favorites]

No, no, no, Diamonds Are Forever and Man With the Golden Gun are the worst.

Utter madness... Diamonds has Mr Wint and Mr Kidd, Bambi and Thumper and the moon buggy. Gun has fucking Dracula.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:31 AM on January 10 [3 favorites]

Incorrect. Hypothesis empirically disproven by the presence of Grace Jones Christopher Walken in A View to a Kill.

Plus -- Getaway. Blimp.
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:49 AM on January 10 [1 favorite]

All this bickering over which is the best or the worst Bond film is silly; we should be making Bond movie title poop jokes instead.
posted by cortex at 10:51 AM on January 10

The only real Bond was Peter Sellers. The others were mere pretenders.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:54 AM on January 10 [1 favorite]

Come come Mr. Bond, you derive just as much pleasure from killing as I do.
posted by Flashman at 11:13 AM on January 10 [2 favorites]

The bad Brosnan...ones are slick yet tacky

That one with the villain with the diamonds in his face and the one with the media mogul were absolutely awful. Brosnan's Bonds were bad enough that I didn't even bother with one of them at all; I don't think I've ever seen "The World Is Not Enough". I'll give Goldeneye a pass though.
posted by Hoopo at 11:37 AM on January 10

This thread is full of wrong.
posted by Artw at 11:38 AM on January 10

I have no idea why I have so much love for 007, I just do. Yes, the movies are camp and misogynistic and overexploited... and yet I cheered (out loud) when I read they're finally making progress with Skyfall. Daniel Craig. Judy Dench. Javier Bardem. Ralph Fiennes. Sam Mendes. With even a quarter-way decent script this movie can be epic. Oh please oh please...

All the Bonds brought something different to the role - some more successfully than others.
Connery - the original. The beefcake. The strong guy with the barely smoothened rough edges.
Lazenby - the one who starred in the best plotted and most underrated Bond movie ever. The one who added nothing to the role and rightly got booted.
Moore - the camp one. The wisecracker. The 'so smooth you don't beleive he'd ever get his fingernails dirty' guy.
Dalton - the sensitive one. The one whose chincleft stole every scene. The most sensitive and the one who most convincingly and most disturbingly fell in love.
Brosnan - the suavest one. So suave he was no longer Bond. The one who starred in the second most forgettable string of Bond movies (Dalton was the first).
Craig - the blond one. The sexiest one, by far. The best combination of rough and smooth since Connery. (The one I was the most reluctant to accept, and who ended up being possibly my favorite.)

I can't believe anyone would diss The Man with the Golden Gun. Philistines. And people, A View to a Kill sucked. Christopher Walken = good. Roger Moore + Grace Jones = had to avert my eyes.
posted by widdershins at 11:39 AM on January 10

The reason that Diamonds are Forever is subtly wrong is that it's a Roger Moore-era Bond film unaccountably starring Sean Connery.

Also, the best Moore one is surely The Spy Who Loved Me, which has a baddie who a) wants everyone to live under the sea ('Observe, Mister Bond, the instruments of armageddon'), b) has a shark pool lift AND a helicopter blowing-up button and c) looks crazily like Joss Ackland in 'diplomatic immunity' mode in Lethal Weapon 2.
posted by Mocata at 11:43 AM on January 10

The reason that Diamonds are Forever is subtly wrong is that it's a Roger Moore-era Bond film unaccountably starring Sean Connery.

Yes! I persist in thinking it was Roger Moore when my visual recollections of the movie clearly tell me Sean Connery. I guess it shows pretty clearly that the series was already going in the camp direction before Roger even joined.
posted by widdershins at 11:48 AM on January 10

You pretty much have to view the Roger Moore Bond films as cartoons for optimum enjoyment; I think this is why those of us of a certain age enjoyed them so much as kids. Not only did they serve as a perverse form of sex ed in the 70s ("Mom, why does he have to do another orbit in Moonraker? Seems like a waste of gas why can't he just land?"), the Roger Moore films are all about sight gags. See, e.g., "The Spy Who Loved Me" when he drives the Lotus Esprit car/submarine out of the ocean onto a beach of bewildered bystanders, whereupon Bond James Bond casually drops a fish out of the window, despite the fact that BJB, his ladyfriend, and the car's interior are totally dry.
posted by Dr. Zira at 11:59 AM on January 10 [2 favorites]

To be fair, Bond's appeal has always been that he's a misogynist psychopath.

There's a "MetaFilter:" tagline in there somewhere, but I have (once again) sworn off them as my New Year's resolution and it's still early January.
posted by The Bellman at 12:03 PM on January 10

I mention the King of All Bad Bond Films, "Never Say Never Again " Video Games, Recycled story, Low budget Effects, and Klaus Maria Brandauer as not-Bloefeld.
posted by djrock3k at 12:07 PM on January 10

> The Lillet Martini might redeem him a bit, maybe.

The vesper cocktail is the original Bond drink, from the first book even.

> and a dash of orange bitters. Very important, and it's not technically correct without them. It very much makes the cocktail. Also, it's garnished with a lemon twist, not an olive.

Depends on how far back you want to go, chances are the original martini also had a bar spoon of creme de cacao in it along with the orange bitters, as found in one of the older bar guides at one established linked to creating it. But then the cocktail nomenclature is always changing anyway, considering cocktail referred to one category of mixed drink (spirit, bitters, water, sugar), and is now pretty much synonymous with the entire range of alcoholic beverages that have more than one ingredient.
posted by mrzarquon at 12:07 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

The bits of Casino Royale that are actually from the book are very good... the rest, less so. I didn't even bother with Something of Boris.
posted by Artw at 12:10 PM on January 10

mrzarquon: Depends on how far back you want to go

I should have specified the Dry Martini, which has no sweetener as far back as is recorded (according to David Wondrich, whom I treat as gospel). Aside from that, you're quite correct. The recent renaissance of cocktail culture has begun making more popular the old names and categories, but we're not quite there yet.
posted by gilrain at 12:13 PM on January 10

During the late 70s and 80s in the UK the first time a Bond film would appear on the telly (and thus, often the first time you would ever see it*) would on Christmas Day afternoon 3:10pm, after the Queens speech. Therefore you would watch them will all critical facilities totally binned. Even the rubbish ones arn't rubbish, not really (though I remember falling asleep during Never Say Never...)
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:24 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

Did Live and Let Die basically invent Smokey and the bandit and that entire genre of wacky-chase-with-dumb-sheriff movies?
posted by Artw at 12:40 PM on January 10

EVERYONE ELSE IS WRONG: From Russia with Love is the best bond film, even Goldfinger admits this in the opening credits.
posted by Chekhovian at 12:43 PM on January 10

I'd argue that From Russia with Love is the best Bond book.
posted by Artw at 12:44 PM on January 10

fearfulsymmetry, is the Queens speech that challenging?
posted by ZeusHumms at 12:54 PM on January 10

It's pretty boring and traditionally consumed with booze and turkey.
posted by Artw at 12:54 PM on January 10

All James Bond movies have this plot: Insane genius wants to destroy or take over the world and only James Bond can stop him.

The only real Bond was Peter Sellers. The others were mere pretenders.

Surely David Niven was the real Bond and Mr. Sellers was another pretender.
posted by kirkaracha at 12:57 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

That's more of a premise than a plot
posted by Artw at 12:59 PM on January 10

Surely David Niven was the real Bond and Mr. Sellers was another pretender.

Textually, sure. Contextually, no. David Niven played Bond. Well, even. But Mr. Sellers was Bond. He was more Bond than Bond.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:01 PM on January 10

I would pay to the Queen give a speech consumed with booze and turkey.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:03 PM on January 10

No one has mentioned THUNDERBALL?
posted by Seekerofsplendor at 1:04 PM on January 10

I'm actually a huge fan of the Bond film that's out in theaters right now, you know, where Bond is played by Gary Oldman, he's forcibly retired, his wife constantly cheats on him, and he has to spend the whole movie hunting for a mole by looking through old ledgers for a few missing pounds.
posted by Chekhovian at 3:32 PM on January 10 [2 favorites]

The Vesper Martini, while not as exquisite as the perfect gin martini - the only true art form America bequeathed the world - is at least good enough to bear the name and does have its own unique pleasures.


One thing that's bothered me is that Kina Lillet was reformulated in the 1980s to make it less bitter and more fruity. Which is bad, because the original contained quinine - thus elevating the Vesper to a hyper-evolved far-future superbeing descendant of the noble ur-drink, the Gin and Tonic.

I learn tonight, as a result of this thread, that an acceptable substitute may have been found. This is as exciting as the rumour I heard while bankrupting the Imperial Purse at Gerry's the other weekend (if you're in London and you could use some exotic booze, it's a far better bet than far Bombay - or indeed, any other drink shop I know) that the original Kina Lillet was being revived on the back of the Great Gin Rush that currently envelops le tout Londres.

Investigations are in order.
posted by Devonian at 4:20 PM on January 10 [3 favorites]

the only true art form America bequeathed the world

I refute it thus.
posted by kirkaracha at 4:44 PM on January 10 [2 favorites]

Psst, make your Vespers with Cocchi Americano, not Lillet Blanc, for supposedly the closest approximation of what Fleming had in mind. The formula for Kina Lillet isn't available anymore and Blanc apparently is not as close in flavor as Cocchi.
posted by ifjuly at 12:57 AM on January 12