WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH ALL THIS GOLD???

January 14, 2012 9:03 AM

The Best Doritos Commercial You Will Never See on TV

How that commercial didn't make the finals of the Doritos Superbowl ad competition, I'll never know.

posted by ThePinkSuperhero (68 comments total)

They also made this ad, another one I can't believe didn't make the finals.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:06 AM on January 14 [4 favorites]

June 43rd and Crayon make me giggle. I would not have expected that.
posted by Ducks or monkeys at 9:07 AM on January 14 [12 favorites]

Does anyone know if any flavor of Doritos is lactose-free outside of purple?
posted by griphus at 9:25 AM on January 14

Purple? You mean Sweet & Spicy Chili?

(I bought some Sour Cream & Onion Doritos last night but I haven't tried them yet.)
posted by jonmc at 9:35 AM on January 14

I be it didn't make the finals or whatever because the long list of nonsensical ingredients (plus salt) hits way too close to home.
posted by cmoj at 9:37 AM on January 14 [14 favorites]

Bet. I bet.
posted by cmoj at 9:37 AM on January 14

I like the thrust of the post, where I'm supposed to email Doritos and beg them to put the commercial on the air. Like, my commercial enjoyment sessions will be so enriched by another mediocre commercial. What a weird concept.
posted by TheTingTangTong at 9:40 AM on January 14 [16 favorites]

Please tell me that there are more of those.
posted by hwestiii at 9:40 AM on January 14

Spoiler: This ad is an homage to Merlin's early attempts to turn Tortilla Chips into gold. I don't know what he thought adding ranch dressing would do.
posted by drezdn at 9:43 AM on January 14

Does anyone know if any flavor of Doritos is lactose-free outside of purple?

Try the chartreuse or medium-aquamarine flavors. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:44 AM on January 14 [7 favorites]

STAFF OF ANUBIS
PHILOSOPHER STONE
RUBBER HAMMER
RUBBER NAILS
MOON ROCK SALT
ARCHIMEDES SCREW
HARPSICHORD
PARACHUTE
BLANK
BAG OF HOLDING
CLOUD MIST
ELVEN JOY
LUCKY PENNY
LOVE SONG
ERLENMEYER FLASK
MARCOSCOPE
SENSE OF WONDER
BLANKETY BLANKS
TEMPORAL GLITCH
HAIKU
NODS
SWEEPS
BEEPS
DEEPS
SNEEPS
REEPS
WINKS
MEMORIES
FIREBALLS
CONGRATULATIONS
LAUGHTER
LIGHTENING
STAR DUST
RINGS OF A TREE
MOTHER'S APPROVAL
MOUNTAIN AIR
CHEESINESS
INSPIRING FOOTAGE
SMILES
SECRET INGREDIENT [UNICORN TEARS]
SMELL OF MORNING
LOVE

SALT
posted by headless at 9:45 AM on January 14 [46 favorites]

boy, does that actor sound like David Cross...
posted by Auden at 9:50 AM on January 14 [3 favorites]

Does anyone know if any flavor of Doritos is lactose-free outside of purple?

Right now, that's the only lactose-free flavor. The Kettle brand "Salsa Picante Tias" are a lactose-free alternative that a lot of my vegan friends are big fans of.
posted by Anoplura at 10:02 AM on January 14

boy, does that actor sound like David Cross...


I was about to say, his delivery of the "angry lines" is right out of Mr. Show.
posted by gcbv at 10:06 AM on January 14 [1 favorite]

I can't believe didn't make the finals.

I suspect it's because they weren't flashy enough and look low budget. Super Bowl commercials gotta have a certain about of bling, it's their version of Make the Logo Bigger.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:06 AM on January 14 [1 favorite]

Those were really good, they get my vote.

If you are considering making a Doritos commercial, a nice how-to from a previous winner. Lots of good tips!
posted by mcstayinskool at 10:08 AM on January 14 [7 favorites]

Doritos Blew.
posted by timsteil at 10:11 AM on January 14 [1 favorite]

This is about, hold on, let me do the figures, a bajillion times better than the entry that won, which (i) is endless and (ii) requires you to have seen Se7en to get the point.

This, as they used to say, wuz rigged.
posted by the sobsister at 10:17 AM on January 14

Here's the winner, which I should've included in the preceding.
posted by the sobsister at 10:18 AM on January 14 [1 favorite]

This, as they used to say, wuz rigged.

Hey, man, the chips fall as they will, OK?
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:19 AM on January 14 [3 favorites]

Ok, so when a post like this makes it to MetaFilter, i always just assume it was put here by a Social Media consultant paid to generate page views to a commercial that wasnt used, but could still result in some page views. I also just assume that the subsequent comments are mostly posted by people from the same consulting company.

But my question is: how many of you are there right now, posting to this thread? Like 5, or, just a couple? Do you do it in shifts? Are you watching analytics in real time right now to see if this is a good place for starting a social media campaign?

The commercial is funny and all, but it's not really the kind of post you normally see on the Blue. You might want to try Reddit, instead.

But I do really want to know the logistics of a fake meme campaign.
posted by silkyd at 10:22 AM on January 14 [12 favorites]

If you are considering making a Doritos commercial, a nice how-to from a previous winner. Lots of good tips!

Guys, click mcstayinskool's link up there. It's really funny.
posted by straight at 10:22 AM on January 14

That was the winner? !? Noooooooo........!!!!!!!
posted by hwestiii at 10:31 AM on January 14

That may be the winner but they are not running a two minute commercial during the Super Bowl; it would cost 12 million dollars to run that ad in its entirety.
posted by The Hamms Bear at 10:34 AM on January 14 [1 favorite]

Click on ThePinkSuperhero's name to see her profile. For one thing, she's been here for nearly 8 years. For another AAAAAAHHHHH PINK BACKGROUND
posted by andreaazure at 10:34 AM on January 14 [20 favorites]

The commercial is funny and all, but it's not really the kind of post you normally see on the Blue. You might want to try Reddit, instead.

You might want to read more posts. "Here is a funny commercial" posts are a normal occurrence at Metafilter. Not like every day, but geez.
posted by 23skidoo at 10:41 AM on January 14 [9 favorites]

107 posts tagged with commercial.

Yep.
posted by GhostintheMachine at 10:47 AM on January 14

Okay. The top post advert is clever in just the right demographic way. The winner is not just not clever, it's also meaningless if you haven't seen the movie and tasteless if you have. So much for intertextuality.

And now I get to hate myself for enjoying, as entertainment, coldly-calculated commercial messages, which in most other contexts I am taking unreasonable pains to avoid, and against which I typically rant and rave.
posted by adoarns at 10:51 AM on January 14 [1 favorite]

the sobsister: "Here's the winner, which I should've included in the preceding"

Based on the comments, date, and it not being listed on Doritos' website I don't think that's the winner. Oh and it sucks.
posted by Big_B at 11:00 AM on January 14 [1 favorite]

This is my favorite Doritos "commercial" ever.
posted by fancyoats at 11:08 AM on January 14

I was not expecting that to make me LOL so hard!!
posted by supermedusa at 11:13 AM on January 14

silkyd: "But my question is: how many of you are there right now, posting to this thread? Like 5, or, just a couple? Do you do it in shifts? Are you watching analytics in real time right now to see if this is a good place for starting a social media campaign?"

1) There are twelve of us posting to this particular thread; I will not "out" any of my colleagues, but in the spirit of disclosure: twelve.

2) We are expected to wait at least seven minutes before commenting, so that we don't "cluster" our favorable comments.

3) Yes we are, and yes it is.

4) supermedusa, please clean out the coffee pot in the break room; you were the last one to use it. Also, wipe down the counter to remove the rings you left with your coffee cup.
posted by not_on_display at 11:25 AM on January 14 [27 favorites]

Ok, so when a post like this makes it to MetaFilter, i always just assume it was put here by a Social Media consultant paid to generate page views to a commercial that wasnt used, but could still result in some page views.

Television commercials aren't going anywhere anytime soon. They've been developed for decades, with competing ad agencies trying to develop better and more effective ways to advertise. By the point, it's as much an art as a science. They're not really much different from 30-second short films. You have a script, a director, actors, a story. Occasionally, some people come up with the notion that creating a commercial that's funny, entertaining, moving or clever is the way to go. When that happens, why not enjoy it? Because someone's trying to sell something? People are trying to sell me stuff all the time. Few of them are trying to entertain me. In short, it's toasted. *takes sip of bourbon*
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:32 AM on January 14 [7 favorites]

This one strikes me as a contender for the actual contest.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:39 AM on January 14

Hey, I think I've seen that one before.
posted by The Hamms Bear at 11:55 AM on January 14

This Doritos ad won a Bronze British Arrows advertising award.
posted by Hither at 11:58 AM on January 14 [1 favorite]

This is my favorite Doritos "commercial" ever.

Of course, anything with Kristen Schaal in it is going to be damned good (and sexy).
posted by anothermug at 11:59 AM on January 14

Ironically^**, the outrage that this video didn't win will send it viral.

^** or completely planned
posted by LordSludge at 11:59 AM on January 14 [1 favorite]

silkyd wrote:
Ok, so when a post like this makes it to MetaFilter, i always just assume it was put here by a Social Media consultant paid to generate page views to a commercial that wasnt used, but could still result in some page views. I also just assume that the subsequent comments are mostly posted by people from the same consulting company.

But my question is: how many of you are there right now, posting to this thread? Like 5, or, just a couple? Do you do it in shifts? Are you watching analytics in real time right now to see if this is a good place for starting a social media campaign?

Social Media puppet master here. I cross referenced our shill database with the posters here, and every single one is contracted for the Doritos buy. There's a note here that says 'have silkyd "out" the campaign after about 20 posts to get traction with the jaded cynics. justkevin will hang a lampshade on it later on in case anybody gets wise.'
posted by justkevin at 12:21 PM on January 14 [8 favorites]

As always, there is a relevant article from The Onion.
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 12:39 PM on January 14

I'm a cynical anti-consumerist bastard, but this has been 100% effective. I've sent some links to friends, and since I'm planning on watching the play-offs tonight I am now probably going to buy a bag of Doritos, where I wasn't before.
posted by benito.strauss at 12:47 PM on January 14 [1 favorite]

Okay. The top post advert is clever in just the right demographic way. The winner is not just not clever, it's also meaningless if you haven't seen the movie and tasteless if you have. So much for intertextuality.

[SPOILER ALERT] Yeah... the way they aped the final scene perfectly makes it impossible to forget that in the original the box didn't contain a yummy product of Frito-Lay Corp but actually held the severed head of the detective's pregnant wife. Granted I saw Se7en when I was 18 and much more impressionable, less inured to graphic violence, but I found a surprise violent decapitation did not actually create the emotional resonance that would increase my enjoyment of salty flavored snack chip. And as good as the original movie and the production values of the winning ad was, I'm kinda befuddled that Doritos would want crux of their ad to be "Hey, you may be familiar with this movie where the character whose the film's embodiment of hope and innocence is murdered, possibly raped, then chopped into pieces to be presented to the audience and the main characters in the final act. Perhaps your familiarity will make you hungry."
posted by midmarch snowman at 1:20 PM on January 14 [6 favorites]

I hate commercials, I hate junk foods that smell like feet, and I hate nerd humor.

There I said it. I do not like this.
posted by dgaicun at 1:32 PM on January 14 [2 favorites]

Ok, so when a post like this makes it to MetaFilter, i always just assume it was put here by a Social Media consultant paid to generate page views

I wish. For the record, Frito-Lay, I'm willing to accept a thank-you gift for this post in the form of ONE MONTH'S SUPPLY OF DORITOS. Cool-Ranch and Nacho Cheese only, thanks in advance.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:49 PM on January 14 [6 favorites]

Whole Corn, Vegetable Oil (Contains One or More of the Following: Corn, Soybean and/or Sunflower Oil), Corn Maltodextrin, Salt, Tomato Powder, Corn Starch, Lactose, Whey, Nonfat Milk, Corn Syrup Solids, Onion Powder, Sugar, Garlic Powder, Monosodium Glutamate, Cheddar Cheese (Milk, Cheese Cultures, Salt, Enzymes), Dextrose, Malic Acid, Buttermilk, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Sodium Acetate, Artificial Color (Including Red 40, Blue 1, Yellow 5), Sodium Caseinate, Spice, Citric Acid, Disodium Inosinate, and Disodium Guanylate.
posted by oliverburkeman at 1:52 PM on January 14 [2 favorites]

The commercial is funny and all, but it's not really the kind of post you normally see on the Blue. You might want to try Reddit, instead.

Ok, so when a comment like this is posted to Metafilter, i always just assume it was made by a guy in their late 20s who is impatient to let the world know just how much smarter and more righteous than everyone else he is. A new sort of überman slouches toward Bethlehem (PA) to act as a guiding star, dragging us up from the ignorant muck we wish to wallow in.

Thank God for you dear sir. The truth, Binkley, is that you resemble a carrot.
posted by yerfatma at 2:02 PM on January 14 [20 favorites]

Finally someone is willing to speak truth to power viral marketers disguised as long-term involved members of both the online and offline Metafilter community!
posted by the young rope-rider at 2:13 PM on January 14

andreaazure: Click on ThePinkSuperhero's name to see her profile. For one thing, she's been here for nearly 8 years. For another AAAAAAHHHHH PINK BACKGROUND

Ugh, these damn Social Media consultants, paid to manufacture a fake meme campaign to get us to click through to Metafilter user profile pages.

Superhero Pink.
posted by hincandenza at 2:20 PM on January 14 [1 favorite]

My Social Media consultant friends and I are working on a meme:

1. Send someone a link to a webpage "they will really like"
2. The link actually opens to a page in full #FF66CC glory
3. The sender yells, YOU GOT PINKED
4. ???
5. PROFIT!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:25 PM on January 14 [8 favorites]

@Midmarch Snowman: I read your comment and began to drool. I now hunger for doritos.
posted by Renoroc at 3:12 PM on January 14

Boy, if only these people could get as many views for clever short videos that aren't trying to sell me diabetes in a bag. The amount of time, energy and creativity put into making a commercial for a major brand¹ the results of which they won't own in the end, depresses me, especially since they won't own the results of their efforts.

¹That could, of course, afford their own clever advertising
posted by beaucoupkevin at 3:29 PM on January 14

Argh, missing a comma there. Whatever.
posted by beaucoupkevin at 3:30 PM on January 14

From oliverburkman's link:

Disodium Inosinate – is a flavor enhancer, much like MSG. Its source is either pigs or fish. On Frito Lay’s website, Doritos is marked as porcine free, leaving us to guess that fish is the source.

Disodium Guanylate – another flavor enhancer, usually found together with Disodium Inosinate. Again, sourced from fish. Not recommended for babies or asthmatics.

Well. I've learned something here today.
posted by Miko at 3:46 PM on January 14

Interesting fact: Cool Ranch Doritos are called Cool American in Iceland, which is ironic, since I saw way more ranches traveling around Iceland than I ever saw driving through the Midwest.

Stunning country. Even their horses are beautiful.
posted by Awakened at 4:29 PM on January 14 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: sourced from fish. Not recommended for babies or asthmatics.
posted by cmoj at 4:42 PM on January 14

Lactose is probably the one ingredient in any variety of Doritos which most closely resembles food.
posted by bukvich at 5:00 PM on January 14 [1 favorite]

I saw way more ranches traveling around Iceland than I ever saw driving through the Midwest.

To be fair, Midwest = corn, West/Southwest=ranch.
posted by Miko at 5:04 PM on January 14

Cool Ranch Doritos are called Cool American in Iceland

Which is why it feels weird to me to buy them. "Cool American buying the apprpriate snack here, that's right."
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:05 PM on January 14 [2 favorites]

ThePinkSuperhero forced me to eat a Dorito once. It was one of the most vile things I've ever put in my mouth. Then Lassie (or it might have been Eideteker) set one on fire and it burned like a candle, there was so much fat in it.
posted by essexjan at 6:13 PM on January 14 [1 favorite]

Huh, I didn't know they would burn like that!

I've never liked them in the least. The orange powder tastes like nothing so much as the inside of the mouth immediately after an unpleasant episode of vomiting.
posted by Miko at 6:18 PM on January 14 [1 favorite]

It did burn for a long, long time. Good life lesson: keep a bag of Doritos around to burn in case of a power outage!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:21 PM on January 14

In Canada we've had a Doritos flavour called 'sweet chili heat' for a long time. Is this the same thing as the one in the purple bag from the Seven parody?
posted by sevenyearlurk at 7:05 PM on January 14

This post delivers a powerful crunch that unlocks the bold and unique flavors I crave!
posted by orme at 7:18 PM on January 14

The Best NSFW Skittles Commercial You Will Never See on TV
posted by troll at 7:54 PM on January 14

Well... it did make me want to watch Se7en again, so there is that.

I don't know... I don't think I often go all get-off-my-lawn-you-damn-kids, but surely I can't be the only one who prefers the toasted corn taste of actual corn chips over the flavoured yellow powder caked over them? I'm sure it used to be much more of a dusting than a coating but... that's probably just remembering the past with rose tinted taste buds.
posted by adamt at 8:04 PM on January 14

taco shells +
ramen seasoning packets +
ziplock bag +
sharp whack =
_____________
awesome
posted by obiwanwasabi at 1:25 AM on January 15

I use these corn tortillas in the refrigerator section at the store. YOu can toast them in a 350 oven and get a great crispy corn chip that tastes like corn. Barring that, I like Utz, especially the 40% less fat kind which sound like they'd be less good, but are actually better because they're crisper and not as chewy/oily.
posted by Miko at 9:06 AM on January 15

I switched to Tostitos when they stopped making "Sesame Seed Doritos". I hold grudges for decades.
posted by RavinDave at 3:48 AM on January 16