"Where are ya, ya spongy yellow delicious bastards?!"

January 17, 2012 3:54 AM

Twilight of the Twinkie?: [infographic] Twinkies Maker Hostess Files for Chapter 11 Protection. [Wall Street Journal] [Previously]
posted by Fizz (59 comments total)

but it seems the party was a total loss
nobody liked the Twinkies with the dipping sauce...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:08 AM on January 17, 2012

Even if Hostess were to one day go into Chapter 7 and liquidate, another bakery company would almost certainly buy up their portfolio of brands. Twinkies aren't going anywhere.
posted by jscalzi at 4:10 AM on January 17, 2012

Not to mention there are already Twinkie-alikes being made and sold. Just saw some brand the other day at a store here (didn't catch the name because I wasn't that interested).
posted by melt away at 4:11 AM on January 17, 2012

Not to mention there are already Twinkie-alikes being made and sold. Just saw some brand the other day at a store here (didn't catch the name because I wasn't that interested).

Kinkies? (erotic shapes)
Stinkies? (blue cheese-filled)
Pinkies? (pinkie finger-shaped)
Dinkies? (very, very tiny)
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:15 AM on January 17, 2012 [8 favorites]

I don't think I've had a Hostess product since my university days. This doesn't effect me too much. And while there is some kind of childhood nostalgia that I associate with their products, like so much of the rest of my childhood. I'm ok with this fading into obscurity.
posted by Fizz at 4:16 AM on January 17, 2012

Twinkies aren't going anywhere.

Oh...*sob*....oh, THANK GOD!!! *crumples to floor, weeps with joy*
posted by zardoz at 4:16 AM on January 17, 2012 [6 favorites]

Slinkies? (they go down like nothing)
Minkies? (fur covered)
Oinkies? (ground pork stuffing)
Drinkies? (it's a drink and a snack in one!)
posted by hat_eater at 4:25 AM on January 17, 2012

Tallahassee will be disappointed. I can't believe I've made this reference yet again so recently.
posted by unliteral at 4:31 AM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]

Good grief, did anyone read the link to the WSJ? This isn't a story about Twinkies. This is a story of a company with an underfunded pension plan, and corporate raiders who want to welsh on their obligations to their Union employees and retirees.
posted by charlie don't surf at 4:33 AM on January 17, 2012 [24 favorites]

Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:37 AM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]

Good grief, did anyone read the link to the WSJ? This isn't a story about Twinkies. This is a story of a company with an underfunded pension plan, and corporate raiders who want to welsh on their obligations to their Union employees and retirees.

What you read: "Blah, blah, corporate stuff, unions, bad business ethics, blah, blah."

What the rest of us in Zombieland read: "Where are the fucking Twinkies?!!!!!!"
posted by Fizz at 4:39 AM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]

Good grief, did anyone read the link to the WSJ?

Hell, no. I'd rather punch my mother than give the WSJ ad revenue.

This isn't a story about Twinkies.

There, you are right. Unfortunately, it is already too late. Step one in stopping this was making sure the pension fund was correctly funded, and they didn't.
posted by eriko at 4:45 AM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]

A Twink is is a gay slang term describing a young or young-looking gay man (18–23 age category) with a slender, ectomorph build, little or no body hair, and no facial hair.

A Hostess is someone who supports a Twink.

This is a sad day for anyone who understands subtext.
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:47 AM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]

What you read: "Blah, blah, corporate stuff, unions, bad business ethics, blah, blah."

It might be worth pointing out that this FPP consists of two links to the WSJ. Apparently nobody bothered to RTFA. So perhaps this story is really about corporate marketing, and how people only have to see the word "Twinkie" and they start salivating like Pavlov's Dog.
posted by charlie don't surf at 4:58 AM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]

Twinkies aren't going anywhere.

Hellz, no. There's nothing organic in those babies. They are non-biodegradable. After we're gone, there will be nothing left in the smoking twisted wreckage of civilization but cockroaches and Twinkies.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:00 AM on January 17, 2012

Unfunded retirement? Let them eat Twinkie!
posted by blue_beetle at 5:01 AM on January 17, 2012

people only have to see the word "Twinkie" and they start salivating like Pavlov's Dog.

I am salivating because I ate a Twinkie in 1994 and I am still trying to get that oily film out of my mouth.
posted by louche mustachio at 5:01 AM on January 17, 2012

Hopefully true - foul things.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 5:08 AM on January 17, 2012

Those WSJ commenters don't like unions, eh?

Someone should set up an illegal immigrant union immediately.
posted by davemee at 5:11 AM on January 17, 2012

I am well aware of the cultural importance of Twinkies, vaguely aware of their shape and size and completely oblivious to their taste. So when I think of Twinkies, my secretions are purely imaginary.
I just like silly names.
posted by hat_eater at 5:11 AM on January 17, 2012

I haven't eaten hostess products in years, but I see this as an opportunity for somebody to step up and build a better twinkie. Think about it, if you could make the cake and filling out of real ingredients you'd have a winner.

Besides twinkies, their other products could benefit from an upgrade. In fact, suzy Qs has already been improved on in the form of whoopie pies, mostly seen in the wild in New England.
posted by Sir Cholmondeley at 5:17 AM on January 17, 2012

I'm ambivalent about Hostess products. On the other hand, if anyone tries to fuck with my Little Debbie's, it's war.
posted by Ghidorah at 5:21 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

Bad argument:

I got laid off because of our economic downturn. I'm now working on-an-off for peanuts. I'm having trouble keeping my house. I need some help here.

Good argument:

That pesky pension plan we promised and never funded is interfering with our God-given right to make a profit. We need some help here ( to renege on the pension and keep making our God-given profits).
posted by Benny Andajetz at 5:29 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

This is a story of a company with an underfunded pension plan, and corporate raiders who want to welsh on their obligations to their Union employees and retirees.

So, business as usual in America?
posted by Thorzdad at 5:40 AM on January 17, 2012

This is a story of a company with an underfunded pension plan, and corporate raiders who want to welsh on their obligations to their Union employees and retirees.

So much like eating a twinkie. You know it's bad for you, but you just can't help yourself and do it anyways. Years later you see the results of your bad behaviour. They're not healthy for sustaining yourself in the long-term.
posted by Fizz at 5:46 AM on January 17, 2012

I wouldn't be too sure about Twinkies not going anywhere. In New Orleans we had a regional bakery called McKenzie's which had several really distinctive products, which shut down in circumstances similar to Hostess' situation years ago. None of their distinctive products were picked up by their competitors and the recipes are not published. So if you remember buttermilk drops, turtles, or their style of King Cake, those memories are it. The actual food ain't there no more.
posted by localroger at 5:47 AM on January 17, 2012

if anyone tries to fuck with my Little Debbie's, it's war.

don't fuck with my Little Debbie's
or you're gonna see the fightin' side of me
you'll find yourself in a world of pain
that much I can guarantee
you can have your Hostess Twinkies
and this banjo on my knee
but don't fuck with my Little Debbie's
or you're gonna see the fightin' side of me
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:50 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

Klinkies? (snack cakes molded into the likeness of Hogan's Heroes' Colonel Klink)
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:55 AM on January 17, 2012

Twinkies may persist, but if you live in Rhode Island and your 2012 contingency plan involves escaping to the Twinkie Factory in Natick, Massachusetts, you're out of luck.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 6:07 AM on January 17, 2012

Stinkies? (blue cheese-filled)

If I bought a product shaped like a Twinkie and labeled "Stinkies" I'd count my lucky stars if it were merely blue cheese-filled.
posted by DU at 6:07 AM on January 17, 2012

Binkies - they pacify babies
Zincies - a little more difficult to chew
Tinkies - for fairies
Rinkies - to be eaten while skating

ok...i'm done
posted by HuronBob at 6:08 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ghidorah: "I'm ambivalent about Hostess products. On the other hand, if anyone tries to fuck with my Little Debbie's, it's war."

NUTTY BARS! -- ever notice that if you buy the single packs (the clear double-packed ones) that they are a bit flatter and wider, but the ones in the box are the proper size (narrower but taller)?

And if you *dare* think Ho-Ho's are in any way better than Swiss Cake Rolls you have cognitive issues.

Also: Zebra Cakes.

Though when it comes to golden cakes, Twinkies are the winners, no alternative is as good. But I'm not a huge Twinkie fan, too dry, too much cake, even in the Twinkies.

Finally: Fuck Corporations who fuck with workers.
posted by symbioid at 6:16 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

I swear by Goo Goo Cluster. That is all.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:18 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

One can always make them at home.
posted by Fizz at 6:27 AM on January 17, 2012

The theory at our house is that they haven't made Twinkies for years. They made one humongous batch many years back, and they're still drawing off of that stock and will be for a long time. Those damn things keep forever.
posted by azpenguin at 6:29 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

Someone should set up an illegal immigrant union immediately.

Cesar Chavez did something very close to that many years ago.
posted by hippybear at 6:37 AM on January 17, 2012

Finally trying this snack that everyone had talked about on film and television for years was a big part of my first visit to America. Wow, that was a disapointment. It's not really a foodstuff, is it?
posted by Artw at 6:44 AM on January 17, 2012

Finally trying this snack that everyone had talked about on film and television for years was a big part of my first visit to America. Wow, that was a disapointment.
Yeah, they're not very good. I've always found snack cakes to be very gross -- I generally can't even finish a single bite.

The only exception is goddamn raspberry Zingers. They're so rad. It's like somebody in the snack cake industry found out I hated snack cakes, and set out to make the perfect one, suited to my tastes. Raspberry and shredded coconut somehow manages to be a pretty good combination.
posted by Redfield at 7:11 AM on January 17, 2012

My favorite urban-legend-that-I-know-isn't-true-but-choose-to-believe-anyway-because-it's-awesome is a thing I heard from a friend in high school in the early 90s: that no Twinkies have actually been made since 1967, because Hostess had pumped out enough of them to keep the world supplied for a hundred years, and we're just slowly working our way through the backlog. He insisted the Twinkie mother lode was a vast complex of warehouses in Mississippi.

Like Fox Mulder, I want to believe.
posted by COBRA! at 7:31 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

From Wikipedia:¹ In 2010 a college professor named Mark Haub went on a "convenience store" diet consisting mainly of Twinkies, Oreos, and Doritos in an attempt to demonstrate to his students "that in weight loss, pure calorie counting is what matters most—not the nutritional value of the food". He lost 27 pounds over a 2 month period, returning his body mass index (BMI) to within normal range.
posted by stbalbach at 7:35 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm waiting for the rage-mongers to blame Michelle for this.
posted by homerica at 7:52 AM on January 17, 2012

As part of a Christmas present, I had a Twinkie for the first time in ...decades, probably.
It was not good. I don't remember them being quite so hard to eat. They had this sort of slimy feel to them that got on your fingers and wouldn't leave.

I wonder if they were always that bad and my memories are colored by childhood, or if the general decline of the quality has a direct impact on the companies ability to survive.

Chocodiles, on the other hand, are one of the foods of the Gods. Thankfully, they are not available within a thousand miles of here.
posted by madajb at 8:03 AM on January 17, 2012

In 2010 a college professor named Mark Haub went on a "convenience store" diet consisting mainly of Twinkies, Oreos, and Doritos in an attempt to demonstrate to his students "that in weight loss, pure calorie counting is what matters most—not the nutritional value of the food".

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's -- CAPTAIN DIABETES.
posted by localroger at 8:07 AM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]

Let us all pour out a 40 for the departed BeeBo Creme Filled Booper, a sort of twinkie taco kind of thing. The few times I saw them, I chose not to buy them, and now they're gone.

They're booping with the angels now.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:21 AM on January 17, 2012

Just in case they do end up going away, and somehow their product portfolio doesn't get snatched up by someone else, I highly recommend everybody try the following thing at least once in your life:

1. Buy some Ding Dongs
2. Put them in your freezer.
3. Wait a few hours.

...

4. Eat them.


Y'all can thank me later.
posted by Doleful Creature at 8:42 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

I just don't know what to think. I thought Twinkies were the food substitute of choice for those who were in the throes of post-toking munchies. Did the war on drugs vanquish Twinkies, or munchies? I am pretty sure it did not vanquish drugs.
posted by Cranberry at 9:15 AM on January 17, 2012

This reminds me of this guy I knew a few years ago who came back home to the U. S. of A. after spending about a year working abroad. Fill in your own butt of this joke.

Me: So how did you like living in $foreign_country?

Him: Would you rather eat shit, or eat twinkies?
posted by bukvich at 9:19 AM on January 17, 2012

charlie don't surf: So perhaps this story is really about corporate marketing, and how people only have to see the word "Twinkie" and they start salivating like Pavlov's Dog.

Except Twinkies are not delicious, and the correct Pavlovian response would be to cringe and shy away.

I used to have this annual craving for Twinkies, imagining that they were some tasty treat that I shouldn't eat, because they're so artificial. Then I would buy one (or foolishly buy a 3-pack, thinking I was making a wise financial decision), open the crinkling wrapper, smell the weird plasticy food smell, and bite into one.

I would promptly realize why I didn't want them more often. They're TERRIBLE. The smell alone should have been enough to warn me, but no. Somewhere, the idea of the Twinkie and the reality of the Twinkie diverge, splitting farther apart over a year, until the reality fades and my imagination triumphs. And the banana-flavored Twinkies are even worse. Fake banana flavoring is never a good thing, and the banana-flavored Twinkies are no exception.

Should it close, I will not mourn the for Hostess company because their products might go away. I will be sad for the workers whose "legacy pensions and medical benefit obligations and restrictive work rules" will be cast aside in some restructuring deal, or complete closure of the company.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:21 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

Little Debbie, Little Debbie, I'm a comin' on home baby!
posted by benito.strauss at 9:21 AM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

I love Hostess Cherry Pies. Please someone save the pies!
posted by marsha56 at 9:21 AM on January 17, 2012

I've always had a sick, and thankfully suppressed, urge to try a Twinkie Weiner Sandwich
posted by stevis23 at 9:47 AM on January 17, 2012

I swear by Goo Goo Cluster. That is all.
Oh my god, flapjax. I had a Goo Goo when I was on a business trip down South, and the experience was transcendent. Dear gods, that stuff is ambrosia.
posted by xedrik at 10:58 AM on January 17, 2012

'Yep, we'd probably be dead now if it wasn't for Twinkies.'
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 11:53 AM on January 17, 2012

1. Buy some Ding Dongs
2. Put them in your freezer.
3. Wait a few hours.

...

4. Eat them.


Y'all can thank me later.

I love frozen Zingers. I know, they're Dolly Madison, not Hostess. But that makes them just that much better!
posted by hippybear at 3:20 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh yeah Zingers are awesome! Heir apparent of the Twinkie.
posted by Doleful Creature at 4:09 PM on January 17, 2012

Oh, Zingers are completely unlike Twinkies! They have a cake texture, not foam, and they are frosted. The only real resemblance between them is the cream filling in the center, but even that is different, as Twinkie cream is oddly artificial seeming while (probably equally artificial) Zinger filling has a much better texture, much more like thick whipped cream or such.

Oh, and I see that Dolly Madison is owned by Hostess. Much sadness indeed. I thought they were completely separate companies.
posted by hippybear at 4:24 PM on January 17, 2012

Seconding the slimy feeling and the sticky smell of corn syrup derivatives.

Hostess HoHos, on the other hand, invite a ritual in which you have to first peel off the outer chocolate coating (points for getting it off in one piece) and eat it, then unroll the chocolate sponge cake (points for not tearing it) and eat it. The chocolate coating is a bit waxy and the innards are sweet enough to make your teeth hurt, but what counts is the memory of being allowed to spin out a childhood treat you were rarely allowed to have (my parents didn't usually buy junk food) by playing with it.
posted by bad grammar at 4:51 PM on January 17, 2012

Yes, Twilight of the Twinkies. Or, GodThey'reDownARung.
posted by anothermug at 6:22 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

I've always had a sick, and thankfully suppressed, urge to try a Twinkie Weiner Sandwich

It's actually not bad. A friend in HS made up a batch for our big marching band picnic, half with mustard and half with squeezycheeze. They all got eaten, eventually.
posted by pupdog at 8:53 AM on January 18, 2012