Feline takeoff keeps plane on tarmac
January 25, 2012 9:00 AM Subscribe
“We now have a ‘lost cat in airplane’ file that’s got one piece of paper in it after this morning.”
Ten minutes stretched into 20. More time went by with no sign of Ripples the cat. The attendants apologized for the delay.
"Then the engine turned off and the whole power on the plane turned off, and they said they were doing this to calm the cat,"
Ten minutes stretched into 20. More time went by with no sign of Ripples the cat. The attendants apologized for the delay.
"Then the engine turned off and the whole power on the plane turned off, and they said they were doing this to calm the cat,"
great now we're going to have to leave our cats in the little bin with all the water bottles before going through security.
posted by The Whelk at 9:02 AM on January 25, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 9:02 AM on January 25, 2012 [8 favorites]
Ripley: [to Jones, the cat] And you, you little shit-head... you're staying here.
posted by Artw at 9:09 AM on January 25, 2012 [10 favorites]
posted by Artw at 9:09 AM on January 25, 2012 [10 favorites]
Who the hell would let their cat loose in an airplane? Cats do so badly with new environments. Poor scared kitty.
posted by ZaphodB at 9:17 AM on January 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by ZaphodB at 9:17 AM on January 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
I think this link from the same page is even more astonishing:
Toronto teens send Lego man on a balloon odyssey 24 kilometres high
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 9:17 AM on January 25, 2012 [10 favorites]
Toronto teens send Lego man on a balloon odyssey 24 kilometres high
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 9:17 AM on January 25, 2012 [10 favorites]
I have no idea how these people got their cats wedged into their cockpits, or why
posted by exogenous at 9:18 AM on January 25, 2012 [39 favorites]
posted by exogenous at 9:18 AM on January 25, 2012 [39 favorites]
Ah, it just was Toonces who's tired of driving. He's working on 'getting his wings!'
posted by ericb at 9:31 AM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by ericb at 9:31 AM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
Like any cat owner ever doubted that they were tiny little terrorists.
posted by octothorpe at 9:35 AM on January 25, 2012 [15 favorites]
posted by octothorpe at 9:35 AM on January 25, 2012 [15 favorites]
great now we're going to have to leave our cats in the little bin with all the water bottles before going through security.
I'd prefer that to the reality. I had to carry my cat through the scanner attached to my body. And by attached, I mean with all claws extended. Deeply.
posted by mykescipark at 9:36 AM on January 25, 2012 [10 favorites]
I'd prefer that to the reality. I had to carry my cat through the scanner attached to my body. And by attached, I mean with all claws extended. Deeply.
posted by mykescipark at 9:36 AM on January 25, 2012 [10 favorites]
Cats on a mother@#$$ing plane.
posted by k5.user at 9:37 AM on January 25, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by k5.user at 9:37 AM on January 25, 2012 [8 favorites]
I'm happy that kitty and owner are reunited and fine. We tried to take our kitty Malcolm to the vet, after struggling to get him into the carrier for 15 minutes, in his fury he tore his way out right back out of it. Completely trashed the thing. Had to take Eartha (the good kitty in this scenario) to the vet. Then drop her home, run to Wal-Mart and buy two, sturdy, clam-shell carriers. Then try again. To this day I think the good Lord that Malcolm was in the house when he made his escape. I would NOT want to comb the neighborhood looking for my idiot cat.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:40 AM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:40 AM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
My ridiculous dog once got loose in the Air Europa cargo loading area at Prat de LLobregat. Luggage handlers realized the cage was too huge to fit in the belly of the passenger flight we were taking, and somehow got the hideous idea to disassemble the cage and then reassemble it inside the plane's cargo bay. They also didn't seem to realize that opening the cage would result in WILD GALLOPING FUNTIMES. While seated innocently on the plane, I heard giddy barking and panicked shouting and many interesting Catalan swears, and immediately knew terrible puppy shenanigans were afoot. Fortunately he was lured away from his mad gallops by a lucky chunk of botifarra in the pocket of one of the handlers.
(the options then offered to me were: have him sent separately, caged, on a cargo flight; go on that cargo flight with him; or take him on his leash on the plane with me, "if he will be a good doggy". The last one made me laugh so hard that I almost piddled myself.)
tl;dr did no one think to just open a can of tuna?
posted by elizardbits at 9:45 AM on January 25, 2012 [77 favorites]
(the options then offered to me were: have him sent separately, caged, on a cargo flight; go on that cargo flight with him; or take him on his leash on the plane with me, "if he will be a good doggy". The last one made me laugh so hard that I almost piddled myself.)
tl;dr did no one think to just open a can of tuna?
posted by elizardbits at 9:45 AM on January 25, 2012 [77 favorites]
Who the hell would let their cat loose in an airplane? Cats do so badly with new environments. Poor scared kitty.
The soft carriers that people use as a carry-on for bring their cats onto flights are notoriously easy for a cat to escape from. A lot of the carriers are at least partially made out of thin mesh, so cats with claws can destroy the mesh and get out without much trouble. Read the reviews on Amazon for some of the carriers and you'll find all sorts of stories like this one.
posted by burnmp3s at 9:53 AM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
The soft carriers that people use as a carry-on for bring their cats onto flights are notoriously easy for a cat to escape from. A lot of the carriers are at least partially made out of thin mesh, so cats with claws can destroy the mesh and get out without much trouble. Read the reviews on Amazon for some of the carriers and you'll find all sorts of stories like this one.
posted by burnmp3s at 9:53 AM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
I would watch a sitcom called My Ridiculous Dog. I advice you to take a Hollywood meeting stat, elizardbits.
posted by phearlez at 9:56 AM on January 25, 2012 [15 favorites]
posted by phearlez at 9:56 AM on January 25, 2012 [15 favorites]
Dogs have more fun in planes.
posted by ceribus peribus at 10:02 AM on January 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by ceribus peribus at 10:02 AM on January 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
elizardbits: the options then offered to me were: have him sent separately, caged, on a cargo flight; go on that cargo flight with him; or take him on his leash on the plane with me, "if he will be a good doggy". The last one made me laugh so hard that I almost piddled myself.
So what did you do?? I must know what ridiculous dog did next.
posted by bicyclefish at 10:02 AM on January 25, 2012 [7 favorites]
So what did you do?? I must know what ridiculous dog did next.
posted by bicyclefish at 10:02 AM on January 25, 2012 [7 favorites]
dunno if it's bc it's a canadian airline, but everyone in the article seemed very nice about the whole thing (as opposed to: 'fucking cat made the plane late, they should't let them aboard' type of reactions.) esp as the flight was delayed 4 hours.
this occurs to me as someone who has taken my cat on a flight and had people in my surrounding area angrily complaining (passive aggressively to everyone around them but the actual owner) that they even let the animals aboard and they should put it in cargo. i can't imagine how badly the owner must've felt.
posted by fuzzypantalones at 10:15 AM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
this occurs to me as someone who has taken my cat on a flight and had people in my surrounding area angrily complaining (passive aggressively to everyone around them but the actual owner) that they even let the animals aboard and they should put it in cargo. i can't imagine how badly the owner must've felt.
posted by fuzzypantalones at 10:15 AM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
So what did you do?? I must know what ridiculous dog did next.
Don't give away the details you need to save for the opening of episode 2, elizardbits!
posted by phearlez at 10:22 AM on January 25, 2012
Don't give away the details you need to save for the opening of episode 2, elizardbits!
posted by phearlez at 10:22 AM on January 25, 2012
this occurs to me as someone who has taken my cat on a flight and had people in my surrounding area angrily complaining (passive aggressively to everyone around them but the actual owner) that they even let the animals aboard and they should put it in cargo. i can't imagine how badly the owner must've felt.
It probably happens more with pets, but I've caught myself more than once wanting to kvetch, vainly, about how uncontrollable babies are on planes. If you ban pets because they're too fiesty and noisy, babies are looking pretty suspect too and for similar reasons (which is why neither ought to be banned outright)
Silly babies.
posted by Slackermagee at 10:23 AM on January 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
It probably happens more with pets, but I've caught myself more than once wanting to kvetch, vainly, about how uncontrollable babies are on planes. If you ban pets because they're too fiesty and noisy, babies are looking pretty suspect too and for similar reasons (which is why neither ought to be banned outright)
Silly babies.
posted by Slackermagee at 10:23 AM on January 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
rick
posted by saturday_morning at 10:26 AM on January 25, 2012 [19 favorites]
posted by saturday_morning at 10:26 AM on January 25, 2012 [19 favorites]
Since it was pre-9/11, I just got off the plane and went down to where the handlers were kind of sitting on my ridiculous dog right out on the runway. Through the further cunning use of foodstuffs, we tricked him back into his cage, and I got back on the plane. He followed on a cargo flight about 90 minutes later and was extremely grumpy about the whole situation when I picked him up that afternoon, presumably because no one was waiting with tasty sausages when he arrived. Then he peed in the baggage claim and we fled.
On preview - yeah, if I could pay a premium for a baby-free flight, I would do so with the utmost delight. It's not the shrieking/crying as much as it is the "toddle around everywhere touching people's stuff with sticky snotty slobbery babycooty covered hands" that gets me. Baby cooties are unimaginably virulent to non-parents and should be classified as WMD.
posted by elizardbits at 10:29 AM on January 25, 2012 [25 favorites]
On preview - yeah, if I could pay a premium for a baby-free flight, I would do so with the utmost delight. It's not the shrieking/crying as much as it is the "toddle around everywhere touching people's stuff with sticky snotty slobbery babycooty covered hands" that gets me. Baby cooties are unimaginably virulent to non-parents and should be classified as WMD.
posted by elizardbits at 10:29 AM on January 25, 2012 [25 favorites]
MERCER
MERCER
MERCER
I'M ON A PLANE
I'M ON A PLANE IN THE COCKPIT
I'M ON A PLANE IN THE COCKPIT TANGLED IN WIRES, MERCER
posted by maudlin at 10:29 AM on January 25, 2012 [39 favorites]
MERCER
MERCER
I'M ON A PLANE
I'M ON A PLANE IN THE COCKPIT
I'M ON A PLANE IN THE COCKPIT TANGLED IN WIRES, MERCER
posted by maudlin at 10:29 AM on January 25, 2012 [39 favorites]
This brings back deeply traumatic memories.
Moving cross-country. Cheapest flight I could get: a red-eye with a long layover, flight plan roughly in the shape of a V for maximum flight time, maybe 11 hours total.
Two cats: one, my beloved evil demon from hell - the other, a stray who'd attached herself to me a couple of days before departure, and well, I can't just LEAVE her here, and so, here we go.
I'd gotten tranquilizers from the vet, liquid ones even, and I made sure to administer them well in advance. Cats were pleasantly sleepy through security, as I waded through with one bag on each shoulder, as I boarded the plane and got their bags stowed side by side under the seat.
Now I should pause to explain that Evil Demon loathed all creatures in the world but me, and Random Stray's mere presence in the apartment had been causing massive amounts of stress... and now, here they were, side by side under an airline seat, with the sedatives wearing off.
No, there was no shredding of bags. Instead, there was something even worse.
"MRRAAAAAAUGH!" (Random Stray, deeply upset.)
"HISSSSSSSSSSS!" (Evil Demon, deeply aggrieved.)
"MRRAAAAAAUGH!" (Random Stray, responding to Evil Demon's outrage.)
"HISSSSSSSSSSS!" (Evil Demon, responding to Random Stray's anguish.)
"MRRAAAAAAUGH!"
"HISSSSSSSSSSS!"
"MRRAAAAAAUGH!"
"HISSSSSSSSSSS!"
"MRRAAAAAAUGH!"
"HISSSSSSSSSSS!"
"MRRAAAAAAUGH!"
"HISSSSSSSSSSS!"
Oh, dear lord, I thought, sank down in my seat, and prayed they'd stop soon. Because they had to stop sooner or later, right?
Right?
WRONG.
Seven hours, it was, seven hours on that first flight, and I could feel the laserbeam stares of sheer hatred being directed my way by every would-be sleeper on that red-eye, as they struggled to ignore the incessant, ceaseless rhythm of "MRRAAAAAAUGH!" "HISSSSSSSSSSS!" "MRRAAAAAAUGH!" "HISSSSSSSSSSS!" echoing endlessly through the cabin, with perfect metronome timing, on and on and ON AND ON AND ON...
Then finally we were debarking, and I grabbed the cat carriers, pushed my way to the front and RAN, desperate to escape the crowd of weary travelers before they could tear the carriers from my aching shoulders and rend me to bloody shreds where I stood.
I ducked finally into the ladies room, wedged myself into a stall, as the kitties' counterpoint aria echoed off the tile, and then... and then...
A voice. A sweet, treble, little-girl voice. "Mommy!" it said brightly. "I hear kitties!"
Yes, I thought, weary to the point of near hysteria, you hear kitties, EVERYONE CAN HEAR THE KITTIES, EVERYWHERE, BECAUSE THEY NEVER EVER STOP...
"I want to see the kitties, Mommy!" the little girl begged, "can I, can I see the kitties?" and all I can think, as I huddle slump-shouldered in the stall, is no, no, you can't see the kitties, because it is 7:30 AM Sunday morning and I have not slept in a million years, and I still have four hours to go, and the kitties never stop, they never stop, and I cannot COPE, PLEASE LITTLE GIRL, GO AWAY, SO THAT I DO NOT HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE PLEASANT AND EVEN-TEMPERED AS YOU PET MY HORRIBLE SQUALLING CATS.
But the unseen mommy was persistent, and I waited 'em out, and finally they left, and I was able to escape with my - yes, still squalling - cats.
I stumbled down the endless, endless corridor, dragged myself into the first place I found open, which turned out to be a bar. Ordered a tall drink - yes, liquor at 7:30 am on Sunday - and sat there, nursing it, head in my hands, while at my feet, the two cloth carriers trembled and shook with the force of their contained misery and rage. "MRRAAAAAAUGH!" "HISSSSSSSSSSS!" "MRRAAAAAAUGH!" "HISSSSSSSSSSS!" in the bar, down the corridor, at the gate, down the breezeway, under the seat, on and on and on and oh my god, they're going to do it the whole way through this flight, too.
Four hours and another jet full of furious passengers later, I debark from the second plane to see the smiling faces of my friends waiting at the gate (you could still do that, then) and immediately thrust both arms out toward them, carriers in tow. "I have CATS," I wailed. "TAKE THEM FROM ME!" and my friends laughed and did so, and we walked down the corridor together, fading into the crowd, and surrounded by the endless battle cry: "MRRAAAAAAUGH!" "HISSSSSSSSSSS!" "MRRAAAAAAUGH!" "HISSSSSSSSSSS!" all the way to the parking lot, down the highway, and home.
And then there was the time I had to take a buttered cat through airport security... but that's a story for another day.
posted by mie at 10:45 AM on January 25, 2012 [209 favorites]
Moving cross-country. Cheapest flight I could get: a red-eye with a long layover, flight plan roughly in the shape of a V for maximum flight time, maybe 11 hours total.
Two cats: one, my beloved evil demon from hell - the other, a stray who'd attached herself to me a couple of days before departure, and well, I can't just LEAVE her here, and so, here we go.
I'd gotten tranquilizers from the vet, liquid ones even, and I made sure to administer them well in advance. Cats were pleasantly sleepy through security, as I waded through with one bag on each shoulder, as I boarded the plane and got their bags stowed side by side under the seat.
Now I should pause to explain that Evil Demon loathed all creatures in the world but me, and Random Stray's mere presence in the apartment had been causing massive amounts of stress... and now, here they were, side by side under an airline seat, with the sedatives wearing off.
No, there was no shredding of bags. Instead, there was something even worse.
"MRRAAAAAAUGH!" (Random Stray, deeply upset.)
"HISSSSSSSSSSS!" (Evil Demon, deeply aggrieved.)
"MRRAAAAAAUGH!" (Random Stray, responding to Evil Demon's outrage.)
"HISSSSSSSSSSS!" (Evil Demon, responding to Random Stray's anguish.)
"MRRAAAAAAUGH!"
"HISSSSSSSSSSS!"
"MRRAAAAAAUGH!"
"HISSSSSSSSSSS!"
"MRRAAAAAAUGH!"
"HISSSSSSSSSSS!"
"MRRAAAAAAUGH!"
"HISSSSSSSSSSS!"
Oh, dear lord, I thought, sank down in my seat, and prayed they'd stop soon. Because they had to stop sooner or later, right?
Right?
WRONG.
Seven hours, it was, seven hours on that first flight, and I could feel the laserbeam stares of sheer hatred being directed my way by every would-be sleeper on that red-eye, as they struggled to ignore the incessant, ceaseless rhythm of "MRRAAAAAAUGH!" "HISSSSSSSSSSS!" "MRRAAAAAAUGH!" "HISSSSSSSSSSS!" echoing endlessly through the cabin, with perfect metronome timing, on and on and ON AND ON AND ON...
Then finally we were debarking, and I grabbed the cat carriers, pushed my way to the front and RAN, desperate to escape the crowd of weary travelers before they could tear the carriers from my aching shoulders and rend me to bloody shreds where I stood.
I ducked finally into the ladies room, wedged myself into a stall, as the kitties' counterpoint aria echoed off the tile, and then... and then...
A voice. A sweet, treble, little-girl voice. "Mommy!" it said brightly. "I hear kitties!"
Yes, I thought, weary to the point of near hysteria, you hear kitties, EVERYONE CAN HEAR THE KITTIES, EVERYWHERE, BECAUSE THEY NEVER EVER STOP...
"I want to see the kitties, Mommy!" the little girl begged, "can I, can I see the kitties?" and all I can think, as I huddle slump-shouldered in the stall, is no, no, you can't see the kitties, because it is 7:30 AM Sunday morning and I have not slept in a million years, and I still have four hours to go, and the kitties never stop, they never stop, and I cannot COPE, PLEASE LITTLE GIRL, GO AWAY, SO THAT I DO NOT HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE PLEASANT AND EVEN-TEMPERED AS YOU PET MY HORRIBLE SQUALLING CATS.
But the unseen mommy was persistent, and I waited 'em out, and finally they left, and I was able to escape with my - yes, still squalling - cats.
I stumbled down the endless, endless corridor, dragged myself into the first place I found open, which turned out to be a bar. Ordered a tall drink - yes, liquor at 7:30 am on Sunday - and sat there, nursing it, head in my hands, while at my feet, the two cloth carriers trembled and shook with the force of their contained misery and rage. "MRRAAAAAAUGH!" "HISSSSSSSSSSS!" "MRRAAAAAAUGH!" "HISSSSSSSSSSS!" in the bar, down the corridor, at the gate, down the breezeway, under the seat, on and on and on and oh my god, they're going to do it the whole way through this flight, too.
Four hours and another jet full of furious passengers later, I debark from the second plane to see the smiling faces of my friends waiting at the gate (you could still do that, then) and immediately thrust both arms out toward them, carriers in tow. "I have CATS," I wailed. "TAKE THEM FROM ME!" and my friends laughed and did so, and we walked down the corridor together, fading into the crowd, and surrounded by the endless battle cry: "MRRAAAAAAUGH!" "HISSSSSSSSSSS!" "MRRAAAAAAUGH!" "HISSSSSSSSSSS!" all the way to the parking lot, down the highway, and home.
And then there was the time I had to take a buttered cat through airport security... but that's a story for another day.
posted by mie at 10:45 AM on January 25, 2012 [209 favorites]
My favorite part of the Star article:
Do you know Ripples the cat? Email thestarsubmissions@gmail.com
Do you know Ripples the cat? Email thestarsubmissions@gmail.com
Dear Star Submissionsposted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:02 AM on January 25, 2012 [44 favorites]
Oh I know Ripples alright. Let me tell you a thing or two about that little shit. The moment I saw the headline to this article, the first thing I thought was "This has to be Ripples".
And just how did I know this, you might ask? Because I live next door to Ripples. For the past five years, that little monster has managed to wedge himself into every piece of machinery he could find. It doesn't matter what it is, dishwashers, dryers, engine blocks, backhoes - it doesn't matter. Ripples has a problem. A compulsion to sabotage machinery, based on what I think are all the tell-tale signs of anarcho-primitivist Luddite propaganda.
Oh, I'm crazy, am I? I invite you to view the PDF document of the Unibomber Manifesto and the photo gallery I took of Ripples as he conducts his anti-tech missions. This is clearly a cat with an agenda, and if you can't see it, well, I question the veracity of your journalistic skills.
But if you are, in fact, interested in learning the TRUTH, you can either visit my website, www.freewebs.com/truthseeker/armageddon/luddites/ripples, or email me at truthseeker@compuserve.com. I am willing to grant an interview, provided that you are really interested in real journalism.
TruthSeeker
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." - Ron Paul
I'm not going to believe any of this story until I see a picture of Ripples.
posted by iamkimiam at 11:02 AM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by iamkimiam at 11:02 AM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Cockpit cat is watching you frustrate.
posted by dhartung at 11:10 AM on January 25, 2012 [11 favorites]
posted by dhartung at 11:10 AM on January 25, 2012 [11 favorites]
I once lost a live turtle on a plane. Poor Leonardo, may he rest in peace.
posted by zennish at 11:29 AM on January 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by zennish at 11:29 AM on January 25, 2012 [5 favorites]
I am loving the comments in this thread. The longest I have ever had to travel with pets is three hours in a car. But it was still horrible. Swiftly was an 8 year old budgie and I was sure the much younger Paullie was going to end up killing him. Paullie did not like the car ride and WANTED OUT NOW. It doesn't matter what type of critter, travel makes them c-r-a-z-y.
posted by Calzephyr at 11:49 AM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Calzephyr at 11:49 AM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Sadly, that link in Marisa's comment doesn't work.
posted by slogger at 12:19 PM on January 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by slogger at 12:19 PM on January 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
And then there was the time I had to take a buttered cat through airport security... but that's a story for another day.
And that 'another day' better be tomorrow. I'm coming back to this thread and I expect a buttered cat.
posted by mannequito at 1:06 PM on January 25, 2012 [23 favorites]
And that 'another day' better be tomorrow. I'm coming back to this thread and I expect a buttered cat.
posted by mannequito at 1:06 PM on January 25, 2012 [23 favorites]
... wait.
The feline bolted when the door to the carrier was inadvertently opened by a passenger who was attempting to put luggage in an overhead compartment
They had the cat in the overhead bin?! I'd bolt too!
Poor Ripples.
posted by Space Kitty at 1:09 PM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
The feline bolted when the door to the carrier was inadvertently opened by a passenger who was attempting to put luggage in an overhead compartment
They had the cat in the overhead bin?! I'd bolt too!
Poor Ripples.
posted by Space Kitty at 1:09 PM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
"And that 'another day' better be tomorrow. I'm coming back to this thread and I expect a buttered cat."
Seconding the demand for buttered cat.
posted by Dali Atomicus at 1:19 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Seconding the demand for buttered cat.
posted by Dali Atomicus at 1:19 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
MetaFilter: I'm coming back to this thread and I expect a buttered cat.
posted by phearlez at 1:22 PM on January 25, 2012 [21 favorites]
posted by phearlez at 1:22 PM on January 25, 2012 [21 favorites]
Buttered Cat....aaaaarrrrggggllllll.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:29 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:29 PM on January 25, 2012
I would not have been amused is my flight was supposed to leave at 5 and we were grounded until 10 because of some damn cat.*
*completely catist.
posted by Windigo at 2:09 PM on January 25, 2012
*completely catist.
posted by Windigo at 2:09 PM on January 25, 2012
Buttered Cat would be a good name for a band.
posted by The otter lady at 2:13 PM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by The otter lady at 2:13 PM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
My brother, at the age of 4, Criscoed the family cat. Sat down on the kitchen floor with Felix in his lap and an open tub of Crisco next to him and smeared Felix all over. Poor Felix didn't protest a bit. Just went and groomed himself with his tongue afterwards, for about 3 hours.
posted by vitia at 4:37 PM on January 25, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by vitia at 4:37 PM on January 25, 2012 [7 favorites]
Is he under the seat cushion that can be used as a flotation device?
posted by sexyrobot at 4:54 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by sexyrobot at 4:54 PM on January 25, 2012
And now, by popular demand:
------------------------------
Ode to a Buttered Cat
------------------------------
The day dawned bright and merry on the shore beside the bay
As I took care to well prepare to set forth on my way
I checked my ticket once and twice and donned my jaunty hat
And then 'twas time to turn my mind to readying my cat
He was no Doctor Herriott, nor had linguistic skill
Like that famed Doctor Doolittle, to know a house pet's will
Instead, gave me a tablet to administer in time...
"Just pop it in, right down her throat, and all will be just fine!"
Perhaps this noble gentleman had failed to reminisce
On fearsome teeth and piercing claws and all those pointy bits
Perhaps he had some talent - or perhaps I am just lazy
I tried... and kitty looked at me and stated, "Bitch, you crazy!"
I racked my brain for any thought to ease the task at hand,
at last found misty memories from childhood's distant land,
I'd had a fear of taking pills; there'd been no way around it...
at least, until somebody fin'ly took that pill and ground it!
I crushed that tablet, best I could... which wasn't very well
A bit of powder, many chunks, and quite offputting smell
And then I had a thought that set my fondest hopes aflutter:
"I'll take that pill," I told myself, "and mix it up with butter!"
Alas, I had forgotten - the greatest rule of thumb:
She may be "merely" feline... but she's not COMPLETELY dumb.
It took one sniff for her to figure out my clever plan
And demonstrate displeasure, sinking claws into my hand.
The clock was ticking, time was passing; sweat poured down my brow
To make it through security, we'd have to leave right now!
And so, without another choice, and under great duress,
I grabbed the cat and smeared her fur with all that goopy mess.
"Now groom yourself," I begged my cat, "just lick off all the grease,
then you will look presentable, and spend the flight in peace!"
But kitty merely glared at me, with evident disdain
Quite clearly, she'd concluded that, "my person's gone insane."
The taxi's here! It's time to go! There's no time left to lose!
I've grabbed my coat and bag and hat, and stepped into my shoes,
and checked my papers one last time to make sure all's in place,
and shoved my outraged, buttered cat into her carry-case.
I'd checked on the procedure, made notes on every step
on just what to expect when I was traveling with a pet
But when I reached Security, I found out with alarm
To get through, I would have to hold my buttered cat within my arms.
And so with trepidation, I brought her into light:
two golden eyes ablaze with rage at everything in sight,
and gleaming claws extended, as piercing as her glare,
and shiny fur in jagged spikes like Billy Idol's hair.
I'm not the type to follow trends, or let myself be swayed,
or let another's disapproval rain on my parade,
But then a voice arose from where the airport screener sat:
"Lady, what the hell have you been doing to that cat?!"
I'm in no mood for commentary on my sorry plight,
I only want to make it though and get on my damn flight,
and so, I turn, with laser glare, to sear him to the core:
"I BUTTERED her," I spat, and dared the screener to say more.
Now, nowadays that stunt would be a thing to soon regret:
A buttered cat in twenty-twelve's a terroristic threat!
But this was quite a different time, and quite a different day -
the screener laughed, and waved me through, and sent me on my way.
The flight was quite eventful; the journey, very swift,
The flight attendants were quite nice - the cat was very pissed,
And I relaxed, and cleared my mind, and sank into a dream
As aided by nine tiny vials of Bailey's Irish Creme.
Now, some kids join adulthood in the sound of wedding bells
Some as they leave for college, with long drawn-out farewells
Some kids leave home with hugs and tears - some kids leave home in spats...
And some kids leave the family nest with angry, buttered cats.
posted by mie at 6:25 PM on January 25, 2012 [611 favorites]
------------------------------
Ode to a Buttered Cat
------------------------------
The day dawned bright and merry on the shore beside the bay
As I took care to well prepare to set forth on my way
I checked my ticket once and twice and donned my jaunty hat
And then 'twas time to turn my mind to readying my cat
He was no Doctor Herriott, nor had linguistic skill
Like that famed Doctor Doolittle, to know a house pet's will
Instead, gave me a tablet to administer in time...
"Just pop it in, right down her throat, and all will be just fine!"
Perhaps this noble gentleman had failed to reminisce
On fearsome teeth and piercing claws and all those pointy bits
Perhaps he had some talent - or perhaps I am just lazy
I tried... and kitty looked at me and stated, "Bitch, you crazy!"
I racked my brain for any thought to ease the task at hand,
at last found misty memories from childhood's distant land,
I'd had a fear of taking pills; there'd been no way around it...
at least, until somebody fin'ly took that pill and ground it!
I crushed that tablet, best I could... which wasn't very well
A bit of powder, many chunks, and quite offputting smell
And then I had a thought that set my fondest hopes aflutter:
"I'll take that pill," I told myself, "and mix it up with butter!"
Alas, I had forgotten - the greatest rule of thumb:
She may be "merely" feline... but she's not COMPLETELY dumb.
It took one sniff for her to figure out my clever plan
And demonstrate displeasure, sinking claws into my hand.
The clock was ticking, time was passing; sweat poured down my brow
To make it through security, we'd have to leave right now!
And so, without another choice, and under great duress,
I grabbed the cat and smeared her fur with all that goopy mess.
"Now groom yourself," I begged my cat, "just lick off all the grease,
then you will look presentable, and spend the flight in peace!"
But kitty merely glared at me, with evident disdain
Quite clearly, she'd concluded that, "my person's gone insane."
The taxi's here! It's time to go! There's no time left to lose!
I've grabbed my coat and bag and hat, and stepped into my shoes,
and checked my papers one last time to make sure all's in place,
and shoved my outraged, buttered cat into her carry-case.
I'd checked on the procedure, made notes on every step
on just what to expect when I was traveling with a pet
But when I reached Security, I found out with alarm
To get through, I would have to hold my buttered cat within my arms.
And so with trepidation, I brought her into light:
two golden eyes ablaze with rage at everything in sight,
and gleaming claws extended, as piercing as her glare,
and shiny fur in jagged spikes like Billy Idol's hair.
I'm not the type to follow trends, or let myself be swayed,
or let another's disapproval rain on my parade,
But then a voice arose from where the airport screener sat:
"Lady, what the hell have you been doing to that cat?!"
I'm in no mood for commentary on my sorry plight,
I only want to make it though and get on my damn flight,
and so, I turn, with laser glare, to sear him to the core:
"I BUTTERED her," I spat, and dared the screener to say more.
Now, nowadays that stunt would be a thing to soon regret:
A buttered cat in twenty-twelve's a terroristic threat!
But this was quite a different time, and quite a different day -
the screener laughed, and waved me through, and sent me on my way.
The flight was quite eventful; the journey, very swift,
The flight attendants were quite nice - the cat was very pissed,
And I relaxed, and cleared my mind, and sank into a dream
As aided by nine tiny vials of Bailey's Irish Creme.
Now, some kids join adulthood in the sound of wedding bells
Some as they leave for college, with long drawn-out farewells
Some kids leave home with hugs and tears - some kids leave home in spats...
And some kids leave the family nest with angry, buttered cats.
posted by mie at 6:25 PM on January 25, 2012 [611 favorites]
Bravo!
posted by empatterson at 7:02 PM on January 25, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by empatterson at 7:02 PM on January 25, 2012 [6 favorites]
SIDEBAR SIDEBAR SIDEBAR!
posted by The Whelk at 7:04 PM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 7:04 PM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
Wow! Sidebar indeed!
posted by HotToddy at 7:11 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by HotToddy at 7:11 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Hurray! Long Live Buttered Cat!
unless, she's already dead, in which case
.
posted by mannequito at 7:29 PM on January 25, 2012
unless, she's already dead, in which case
.
posted by mannequito at 7:29 PM on January 25, 2012
She had a long, happy life of tasty tidbits and sunny spots for napping, and a peaceful exit at the end. May we all be so lucky. And thank you. :)
posted by mie at 8:11 PM on January 25, 2012 [12 favorites]
posted by mie at 8:11 PM on January 25, 2012 [12 favorites]
Clearly, mie knew this day was coming. "It may be soon; it may be years from now, but at some point, buttered cats will be relevant to a discussion. On that day, we will be ready."
posted by Golfhaus at 8:27 PM on January 25, 2012 [17 favorites]
posted by Golfhaus at 8:27 PM on January 25, 2012 [17 favorites]
That last verse actually gave me warm fuzzies, well done!
posted by like_neon at 4:17 AM on January 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by like_neon at 4:17 AM on January 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
That was EXCELLENT!! Brava!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:09 AM on January 26, 2012
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:09 AM on January 26, 2012
I demand that someone record that poem in the style of an old-fashioned English music hall tune.
posted by Faint of Butt at 6:25 AM on January 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Faint of Butt at 6:25 AM on January 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
I wish that was my story!
Awesome favorited like +1 and all that stuff. Very cool :)
posted by Cogentesque at 7:59 AM on January 26, 2012
Awesome favorited like +1 and all that stuff. Very cool :)
posted by Cogentesque at 7:59 AM on January 26, 2012
I put in a humble request on our behalf
posted by The Whelk at 8:08 AM on January 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 8:08 AM on January 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
♪ She lies and says it'll taste real good, can't fool the butter cat... ♪
(Appologies to Pearl Jam)
posted by Kabanos at 8:17 AM on January 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
(Appologies to Pearl Jam)
posted by Kabanos at 8:17 AM on January 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
I can't believe it. It actually scans. Spectacular!
posted by Crabby Appleton at 10:25 AM on January 26, 2012
posted by Crabby Appleton at 10:25 AM on January 26, 2012
Very, very nice, mie!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:46 PM on January 26, 2012
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:46 PM on January 26, 2012
Buttered Cat and Ridiculous Dog: the ultimate crime-fighting duo.
posted by naju at 1:07 PM on January 26, 2012
posted by naju at 1:07 PM on January 26, 2012
That was a thing of beauty and it is getting emailed to all my friends.
posted by maryr at 2:33 PM on January 26, 2012
posted by maryr at 2:33 PM on January 26, 2012
I have to say, I'm kind of overwhelmed by the reaction, considering I threw it together spur-of-the-moment. Thanks, all!
...And of course I've noticed a mistype: "the flight was quite eventful" should be "the flight was uneventful", to maintain intended context. And though I KNOW the line about holding the buttered cat in my arms scanned to the proper rhythm when I wrote it? when I re-read it now, I can't for the life of me figure out how.
As to the matter of setting words to music, I have weighed in with my opinion on the thread referenced. =) I tinker a bit with music myself, but don't think I could do this one justice. (In regard to the latter, a search for "halfdrunken hobbit rap" might prove fruitful.)
Again, thank you, and =)
posted by mie at 5:15 PM on January 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
...And of course I've noticed a mistype: "the flight was quite eventful" should be "the flight was uneventful", to maintain intended context. And though I KNOW the line about holding the buttered cat in my arms scanned to the proper rhythm when I wrote it? when I re-read it now, I can't for the life of me figure out how.
As to the matter of setting words to music, I have weighed in with my opinion on the thread referenced. =) I tinker a bit with music myself, but don't think I could do this one justice. (In regard to the latter, a search for "halfdrunken hobbit rap" might prove fruitful.)
Again, thank you, and =)
posted by mie at 5:15 PM on January 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
I came in here for the buttered cat.
My own humble story of transporting cats was when Arthur travelled a mere 40 kilometres by car and the only way we could hush his crying was by singing "I'm a little aeroplane, meow, meow."
posted by b33j at 9:37 PM on January 26, 2012 [8 favorites]
My own humble story of transporting cats was when Arthur travelled a mere 40 kilometres by car and the only way we could hush his crying was by singing "I'm a little aeroplane, meow, meow."
posted by b33j at 9:37 PM on January 26, 2012 [8 favorites]
Come for the buttered cat, stay for the warm fuzzies.
posted by arcticseal at 6:06 AM on January 27, 2012
posted by arcticseal at 6:06 AM on January 27, 2012
I AM SHMOOPY AND TICKLED PINK AND WITH THIS MOTHER-SKRITCHING CAT ON THIS FLUFFBALL-UNSTUCKING PLANE.
posted by argonauta at 6:16 AM on January 27, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by argonauta at 6:16 AM on January 27, 2012 [1 favorite]
This happened to my boyfriend when he was transporting our cat across the country via airplane.
People say "Oh, why do you bring your cat in the cabin in the first place."
Well people, when you are a broke student moving across the country with your boyfriend, cat, and various bags of possessions, you try to save money. The airline charges half as much to take your cat in cabin, versus stowed in the cargo hold. So cabin it is.
The airline mandates a soft carrier. So we bought one.
Being responsible pet owners, we obtained sedatives for our cat, and drugged him in the car when I dropped my boyfriend off for the flight (I was leaving the next day).
We did EVERYTHING according to what the airline told us to do, and incentivized, and our vet's advice.
30 minutes into the flight our cat loses his shit, CHEWS THROUGH THE SOFT CARRIER AND ESCAPES.
Luckily a man sitting on the aisle was cat-aware and quick-acting, and grabbed Cat by his back legs before he could do a runner.
Poor Boyfriend had to spend the rest of the flight with one hand restraining the cat inside an Air Canada duffel bag. He has the bite marks to prove it.
And reading this story gave him serious flashbacks. He still gets traumatized thinking about it. Next time, now that we are fiscally solvent, we drive or cat gets massive sedation and goes in the hold.
posted by dazedandconfused at 8:27 AM on January 27, 2012 [4 favorites]
People say "Oh, why do you bring your cat in the cabin in the first place."
Well people, when you are a broke student moving across the country with your boyfriend, cat, and various bags of possessions, you try to save money. The airline charges half as much to take your cat in cabin, versus stowed in the cargo hold. So cabin it is.
The airline mandates a soft carrier. So we bought one.
Being responsible pet owners, we obtained sedatives for our cat, and drugged him in the car when I dropped my boyfriend off for the flight (I was leaving the next day).
We did EVERYTHING according to what the airline told us to do, and incentivized, and our vet's advice.
30 minutes into the flight our cat loses his shit, CHEWS THROUGH THE SOFT CARRIER AND ESCAPES.
Luckily a man sitting on the aisle was cat-aware and quick-acting, and grabbed Cat by his back legs before he could do a runner.
Poor Boyfriend had to spend the rest of the flight with one hand restraining the cat inside an Air Canada duffel bag. He has the bite marks to prove it.
And reading this story gave him serious flashbacks. He still gets traumatized thinking about it. Next time, now that we are fiscally solvent, we drive or cat gets massive sedation and goes in the hold.
posted by dazedandconfused at 8:27 AM on January 27, 2012 [4 favorites]
I came in here for the buttered cat.
I AM HERE.
FOR BUTTERED CAT.
AND TO CHEW BUBBLEGUM.
AND I'M ALL.
OUT.
OF BUBBLEGUM.
posted by phearlez at 10:53 AM on January 27, 2012 [1 favorite]
I AM HERE.
FOR BUTTERED CAT.
AND TO CHEW BUBBLEGUM.
AND I'M ALL.
OUT.
OF BUBBLEGUM.
posted by phearlez at 10:53 AM on January 27, 2012 [1 favorite]
Can you win at MetaFilter? Because I think mie just did.
posted by schmod at 9:15 PM on January 27, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by schmod at 9:15 PM on January 27, 2012 [5 favorites]
i have buttered
your cat
which was in
the carrier
and which
you were probably saving
for the cockpit
forgive me
he was ridiculous
so annoyed
and so slippery
posted by mendel at 7:42 PM on January 28, 2012 [20 favorites]
your cat
which was in
the carrier
and which
you were probably saving
for the cockpit
forgive me
he was ridiculous
so annoyed
and so slippery
posted by mendel at 7:42 PM on January 28, 2012 [20 favorites]
It's not English music hall so much as rambling country folk, but here's my Ode to a Buttered Cat.
posted by cortex at 4:00 PM on January 30, 2012 [16 favorites]
posted by cortex at 4:00 PM on January 30, 2012 [16 favorites]
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs
posted by The Whelk at 4:29 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by The Whelk at 4:29 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
Cortex, that is the greatest thing in the history of ever.
posted by Space Kitty at 9:59 PM on January 30, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Space Kitty at 9:59 PM on January 30, 2012 [3 favorites]
How did I miss this? How did I ever live without Ode to a Buttered Cat? Where has this been all my life?
Seriously, mie and cortex, your hilarious brilliance won't be forgotten. My cats will know all the words to this by the beginning of next week.
posted by vers at 4:27 PM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
Seriously, mie and cortex, your hilarious brilliance won't be forgotten. My cats will know all the words to this by the beginning of next week.
posted by vers at 4:27 PM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
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posted by empatterson at 9:01 AM on January 25, 2012 [23 favorites]