Why the long face?

February 2, 2012 4:59 AM

The Onion's AV Club has noticed that Amazon buyers love this creepy horse mask, and they're posting the customer images to prove it.
posted by Laminda (112 comments total)

Kind of a double.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 5:04 AM on February 2 [1 favorite]

I was all like, whatever, and then I clicked through to the customer images and now I kind of want one.
posted by brennen at 5:06 AM on February 2 [17 favorites]

Amazon thinks that people who like the horse mask would like the Yodelling Pickle. Why can't Netflix make recommendations that apt?
posted by dubold at 5:06 AM on February 2 [4 favorites]

One happy customer
posted by Philosopher Dirtbike at 5:07 AM on February 2 [1 favorite]

Why the long face?
posted by kinnakeet at 5:08 AM on February 2 [4 favorites]

When I saw Beck in 1998 (or 1999), one of the band members was wearing this mask. That is all.
posted by Sticherbeast at 5:13 AM on February 2 [3 favorites]

TIL: I must have one of these.
posted by Splunge at 5:14 AM on February 2

One happy customer

And you think you can trick me into clicking on that link at work....
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:19 AM on February 2

WARNING: Do not combine Creepy Horse Mask with Dark Room Lit By Flickering Bulb!

Side Effects May Include: Early Onset Crappantis, Advanced Sleep Theft, Farm Avoidance, Quivering Rickets, and Chinese Fire Bones. (Effects may be more pronounced if Scratchy Old Time Radio is included.)
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:21 AM on February 2 [20 favorites]

The call is coming from inside the horse mask!
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:23 AM on February 2 [16 favorites]

Imagine how awesome the horse mask would be if you could take it off in the blink of an eye.
posted by drezdn at 5:23 AM on February 2 [2 favorites]

The very first picture. Horse mask, Jameson, knife. The best thing.
posted by IvoShandor at 5:23 AM on February 2 [3 favorites]

Craig Ferguson needs to work this into the Secretariat gag somehow.
posted by orrnyereg at 5:31 AM on February 2 [1 favorite]

This has always been my favorite horse mask pic.
posted by orme at 5:33 AM on February 2 [32 favorites]

Mind the teeth, darling.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:38 AM on February 2

I've seen some of those pictures around the internet, and had been wondering where one could acquire such a mask.
posted by Shohn at 5:45 AM on February 2

The ones that that have that "kinda blurry family pic from the 70's" are the creepiest.
posted by charred husk at 5:48 AM on February 2

As usual, both Norwegian Banks and George Clooney are ahead of the curve.
posted by Sticherbeast at 5:59 AM on February 2 [6 favorites]

My favorite customer comment: "Last year I dressed as Sarah Jessica Parker for Halloween, and this really helped pull my costume together."
posted by Man-Thing at 6:04 AM on February 2 [7 favorites]

The considerate user of the horse face mask might also purchase one of these for use by unsuspecting victims.

Bonus comment: Do NOT approach anyone smoking Salvia while wearing this mask
posted by Enron Hubbard at 6:18 AM on February 2

(Dammit, my wife has seen this thread. So much for our magical 7th anniversary night.)
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:26 AM on February 2 [19 favorites]

I would try to wear a hat on my horse head, myself. Imagine it, a chick dressed all in black whizzing through the streets of Philly, with a horse head and a hat precariously leaning atop it (I'd use glue so it wouldn't blow off).
posted by angrycat at 6:36 AM on February 2 [3 favorites]

Oh, hey...I took one just this past Saturday night...
posted by JoanArkham at 6:38 AM on February 2 [2 favorites]

robocop is bleeding: "Side Effects May Include"

Do not taunt Accoutrements Horse Head Mask.
posted by schmod at 6:47 AM on February 2 [3 favorites]

" They called me crazy, but who's the giant horse now?!"

Excellent reviews..
posted by Liquidwolf at 6:49 AM on February 2

god damn I cant wait for mine to come.
posted by H. Roark at 7:06 AM on February 2

Another Amazon favourite receiving rave reviews

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B005MR3IVO/b3ta-20
posted by duffers5000 at 7:10 AM on February 2 [6 favorites]

Uh, yeah.
posted by cashman at 7:11 AM on February 2

"It's not big enough to completely cover a horse's head, and it doesn't provide enough air flow for them, either. I guess it doesn't matter. Even if those problems were fixed, it didn't convince my daughter her horse wasn't dead. Thanks a lot, Accoutrements."

This person should be President of the Universe.
posted by Willfull at 7:16 AM on February 2 [8 favorites]

My life has been rather empty until now. I tried filling it with alcohol, but really, I should have been looking at horse heads.

Seems so obvious, now...
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:18 AM on February 2 [1 favorite]

I had sudden visions of teaching my freshman comp class while wearing one of these masks. Or maybe the British Gothic course.
posted by thomas j wise at 7:18 AM on February 2 [5 favorites]

I just figured out why that horse mask is so creepy. It's the fact that the whites of the eyes are visible all the way around the irises. A normal horse's eyes don't look like that unless the horse is terrified.
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:20 AM on February 2 [6 favorites]

angrycat: "I would try to wear a hat on my horse head, myself. Imagine it, a chick dressed all in black whizzing through the streets of Philly, with a horse head and a hat precariously leaning atop it (I'd use glue so it wouldn't blow off)."

Around here we call this Saturday night.
posted by Splunge at 7:21 AM on February 2 [2 favorites]

My Lovely Horse.
posted by panboi at 7:23 AM on February 2 [2 favorites]

I just figured out why that horse mask is so creepy. It's the fact that the whites of the eyes are visible all the way around the irises. A normal horse's eyes don't look like that unless the horse is terrified.

That, exactly, along with the mouth frozen in a scream of terror!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 7:40 AM on February 2

This animated gif version is my favorite thing ever.
posted by hermitosis at 7:42 AM on February 2 [4 favorites]

Do you think the guy who runs the Horse_ebooks twitter has one of these? Could I send him one?
posted by dismas at 7:44 AM on February 2

Reviews from actual horses are not so positive.
posted by jessssse at 7:45 AM on February 2 [3 favorites]

i have this. it's awesome. it's cool to get other people to wear it as well. you can also just leave it on your pillow when people come over.
posted by grobstein at 7:51 AM on February 2 [2 favorites]

I wanted to say: why the long face?
sparrow, perch and play songs of long face
burro, buck and bray songs of long face!
sing: I will swallow your sadness and eat your cold clay
just to lift your long face

and though it may be madness, I will take to the grave
your precious longface
and though our bones they may break, and our souls separate
- why the long face?
and though our bodies recoil from the grip of the soil
- why the long face?
posted by grobstein at 7:54 AM on February 2 [1 favorite]

Little bit of a previously. It seems that the writers at the AV Club discovered the Horse Head Mask pretty much the same way Metafilter did.
posted by ShutterBun at 7:59 AM on February 2

One day, last summer, my roommate emerges from his room and he's wearing this horse mask. After I get over the surprise and stop laughing, I ask him "WHY???"

He says he bought it for Halloween. He's going to be the Horsehead Nebula. I ponder that for a moment, and after considering Halloween was still months away, I ask, "Well, why did you buy it now?"

He's also purchased his 14-year-old niece one. I think they wore them around DC for a bit.

I personally want the unicorn mask and then my roommate and I could have the weirdest parties ever.
posted by darksong at 7:59 AM on February 2 [1 favorite]

As popularized in the hit video 'Horse Outside', by the Rubberbandits. (mask appears towards end, solid gold excellence is prevalent throughout)
posted by FatherDagon at 8:04 AM on February 2 [3 favorites]

I don't really care how popular or played out this meme is, I want that horse mask.
posted by The Whelk at 8:14 AM on February 2 [2 favorites]

I've put three in my cart, but I think I'll wait for some perspective before proceeding to checkout.
posted by Meatbomb at 8:18 AM on February 2 [5 favorites]

I've put three in my cart, but I think I'll wait for some perspective before proceeding to checkout.

My procedure is to put things that I have too much perspective on in the cart, and then click rapidly through checkout at some later date when I've already had too much to drink.
posted by brennen at 8:23 AM on February 2 [11 favorites]

Dammit, they don't ship to Canada! Also my local toy shop doesn't seem to carry them. My kingdom for one, people.
posted by Schlimmbesserung at 8:23 AM on February 2 [1 favorite]

Perspective is here--> Put 3 more in your cart and pull the fucking trigger
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:25 AM on February 2 [3 favorites]

Yay!
posted by ph00dz at 8:27 AM on February 2

Meat bomb Needs A Herd. A Herd.
posted by The Whelk at 8:27 AM on February 2

We have so many of the masks, including thr horse, from Accoutrements aka Archie McPhee. We usually get a new one around a holiday, and then freak people out by randomly putting it on during family dinner. Say you walk into the kitchen for more ham, and you see my husband rooting around in the fridge. When he reappears he has a giant rat's head! Good times. I have a whole series where everyone in the family is wearing the chicken head, including a great one of my aunt who is holding a tray with a whole roast chicken. I really hope they come out with a meerkat next.
posted by Biblio at 8:27 AM on February 2 [8 favorites]

(Dammit, my wife has seen this thread. So much for our magical 7th anniversary night.)

Oh, I think that it will be much more magical.
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:27 AM on February 2 [1 favorite]

I love mine. How many others have gotten into the local paper?
posted by rusty at 8:28 AM on February 2

I'll wait for some perspective before proceeding to checkout

How about this: More cheap plastic crap made in China to absorb Americans' discretionary income before the 'meme' runs its course and the masks end up in the Great Plastic Vortex floating in the Pacific Ocean, along with all the motorized inflatable Christmas lawn ornaments from year before last.

It's amuzing to see the piccies, but I can't see springing for one myself.

Here's some music while you think about it, courtesy of Cliff Nobles:

Instrumental
Vocal

Also, I think Paul Simon had a song about how he found The Horse on Seventh Avenue pretty comfortable, but I'll let you find that one yourselves.
 
posted by Herodios at 8:32 AM on February 2 [1 favorite]

More cheap plastic crap made in China... and the masks end up in the Great Plastic Vortex floating in the Pacific Ocean

They're made of latex, Captain Killjoy.
posted by rusty at 8:37 AM on February 2

Maybe I should have left out all the anus stuff.




puts on horse mask, skulks away.
posted by louche mustachio at 8:43 AM on February 2

HULLLLOOOOOOOOO *WHAM*
posted by cortex at 8:50 AM on February 2 [2 favorites]

Fresh whole rabbit!
posted by Burhanistan at 9:00 AM on February 2

(images of fresh whole rabbit)
posted by Burhanistan at 9:01 AM on February 2 [2 favorites]

It's all the damn eagles!
posted by xorry at 9:20 AM on February 2 [2 favorites]

I love the horse contemplating the drill press. What could possibly go wrong?
posted by gamera at 9:24 AM on February 2

Yeah, it's all fun and games, until Archie McPhee shows Onion reporters the the pile of headless horse bodies out behind the store.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:32 AM on February 2 [7 favorites]

When I am close to death I will regret to having this mask.
posted by zzazazz at 9:49 AM on February 2 [6 favorites]

Not having! shit.
posted by zzazazz at 9:49 AM on February 2 [3 favorites]

Finally, I've found the missing piece for my elementary school production of Equus.
posted by mikesch at 9:51 AM on February 2 [7 favorites]

Oh weird, I bought one of these for my husband for Christmas because of his enduring love for the hilarious horse mask in Dead Rising. The first thing he did when he put it on was move his arms a little and say "hm... hm... hm..."
posted by heatvision at 9:52 AM on February 2

Monday evening there was a couple performing on the uptwon 456 platform in Grand Central. One was a girl playing the xylophone, the other was a guy in this mask playing a banjo.
posted by Sangermaine at 10:12 AM on February 2

mikesch,

If the 2nd grade had had a horse mask, reviews would have been even better.
posted by lukemeister at 10:13 AM on February 2

I've always wanted to name my metal band Du Schnozzle, but now I'm leaning toward Early Onset Crappantis and the Quivering Rickets.
posted by mrgrimm at 10:21 AM on February 2

Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it and my heart is just going to cave in.
posted by roger ackroyd at 10:36 AM on February 2 [7 favorites]

How about this: More cheap plastic crap made in China to absorb Americans' discretionary income before the 'meme' runs its course and the masks end up in the Great Plastic Vortex floating in the Pacific Ocean, along with all the motorized inflatable Christmas lawn ornaments from year before last.

you're just too old and uncool to appreciate petty wastefulness and bad decisions. i'm off to do some 'horse'
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 11:02 AM on February 2 [1 favorite]

You know, the only long term use that I could see this is good for is a little pony play... and realistically, that's the only fetish that I can think of that sort of makes furries look normal.
posted by Nanukthedog at 11:02 AM on February 2

Yeah, it's all fun and games, until Archie McPhee shows Onion reporters the the pile of headless horse bodies out behind the store.

Hey, that's not unicorn!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:03 AM on February 2

More cheap plastic crap made in China to absorb Americans' discretionary income before the 'meme' runs its course and the masks end up in the Great Plastic Vortex floating in the Pacific Ocean, along with all the motorized inflatable Christmas lawn ornaments from year before last.


Accoutrements Horse Head Mask laughs at the human who thinks it will "run its course." Accoutrements Horse Head Mask has plans. Accoutrements Horse Head Mask plays the long-game...
posted by jnnla at 11:23 AM on February 2

Well, I just figured out where I'm spending my next $29.49.
posted by slogger at 11:23 AM on February 2

Monday evening there was a couple performing on the uptwon 456 platform in Grand Central. One was a girl playing the xylophone, the other was a guy in this mask playing a banjo.

Dammit! I until I read that I was seriously kind of thinking to myself, "I'll get one of these and go busking in Northampton! A horse-headed banjo player, nobody's ever seen the like!"
posted by usonian at 11:27 AM on February 2 [2 favorites]

Promotion of consumer economy is the responsibility of all good Americans. I'm enjoying this delightful Pepsi Blue even as we speak.
posted by Bonzai at 11:32 AM on February 2

But, the horse face completes me.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:36 AM on February 2 [2 favorites]

Accoutrements Horse Head Mask has plans. Accoutrements Horse Head Mask plays the long-game...

HAPPY HAPPY HALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN SILVER SHAMROCK
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:46 AM on February 2

Dangit.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:47 AM on February 2

Amazon thinks that people who like the horse mask would like the Yodelling Pickle.
And not just the pickle:
The Inflatable Turkey, Liquid Ass, the Sharkbanana, the Mountain Unicorn purple T-shirt...
The list goes on.
I wonder what the data miners do with this information.
posted by MtDewd at 11:50 AM on February 2

Oh, sadly I was hoping for naughty accountrements in the "also bought" hour. Surely their must be some Nasty Fuckers still out there. A compelling argument from purchase patterns that there are two camps this appeals to: hipsters and prctical jokers/early teenage boys.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 11:50 AM on February 2

It must be a hell of a strange existence being, say ~80+ years old right now and observing this world of memes springing up around you as you begin to doubt your mental faculties anyway.

"Say, there's person in a horse mask lying face down in the road. *** Wait-- ... was there? Oh, dear God."
posted by herbplarfegan at 11:56 AM on February 2

Fresh whole rabbit!

So...check the listing of "Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed"...

+ The Mountain Three-Wolf Moon Short Sleeve T
+ Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gallon
+ Uranium Ore (que?)
+ Testicle Self-Exam Form
+ Wolf Urine Lure
+ Live Ladybugs

...and...

The horse mask.

God, I love Amazon.
posted by VicNebulous at 12:35 PM on February 2

Horse heads but no trout mask? What gives, Amazon?
posted by anthom at 12:39 PM on February 2 [3 favorites]

Horse heads but no trout mask? What gives, Amazon?

You can get a nice replica of one.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 12:42 PM on February 2

Right now in my Amazon cart I have this mask and a Chinese cleaver. Draw your own conclusions.
posted by slogger at 12:42 PM on February 2

God, I love Amazon.

why
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 12:43 PM on February 2

This, of course, alludes to you: i'm off to do some 'horse'

They shoot horse, don't they?
 
posted by Herodios at 12:47 PM on February 2 [2 favorites]

I covered the Cult of the Horse Mask here on MeFi almost 4 years ago:

http://www.metafilter.com/69099/Cult-of-the-Horse-Mask

Now they have returned. I fear for my head.
posted by I-baLL at 12:53 PM on February 2

Horse Mask is a work of genius. I want to get one and wear it at meetings with clients.
posted by Dr Dracator at 1:24 PM on February 2

Ordered. I have a small retail store. I'm busy.

In combination with an electrolarynx, this mask will ensure that no time-wasting sales person ever asks to "speak to the owner" again.

Help me with the prosthetic hooves.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 2:13 PM on February 2

Horse heads horse heads
Rubber polyvinyl horse heads
Horse heads horse heads
Slip them on, fun!
In the morning laughing happy horse heads
In the evening sneak them in the movie producer's bed
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:48 PM on February 2 [6 favorites]

"This mask imbues the wearer with super-human abilities. The power to make everyone around you feel akward and uncomfortable being first among them. After wearing the mask for several days my identity was consumed and replaced. There is only the horse now. Best purchase I ever made." - 5 star Amazon rating from R.L.R.

"I absolutely loved this! Last year I dressed as Sarah Jessica Parker for Halloween, and this really helped pull my costume together. I'm really glad I was able to find it! I won the best costume contest at my work. :)" - 5 star Amazon rating from HIJKay
posted by Defenestrator at 3:30 PM on February 2 [2 favorites]

/suddenly remembers he has a Amazon gift certificate somewhere in his inbox.....
posted by Hello, I'm David McGahan at 3:55 PM on February 2

This thread is just the best fucking thread ever and I am so ordering a horse head. Sometime in the next two months I'll be doing some work that requires riding in a helicopter, and when that day comes I fully intend to be ready with my mask and camera.
posted by mannequito at 5:09 PM on February 2

Unfortunately it is somewhat hard to see out of the mask. I hope you will not be flying the helicopter.
posted by grobstein at 5:18 PM on February 2 [1 favorite]

Pretty much the only thing that has prevented me from ordering one is (a) the assumption that it'd be kind of expensive and (b) a vague but potent sense that nothing good would come from me owning it.

Now I'm down to just (b).
posted by cortex at 5:19 PM on February 2 [1 favorite]

You're so, so wrong about (b). Think of how awesome the video for Ode to a Buttered Cat would be if you were wearing a horse head mask while singing it!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:24 PM on February 2

Honestly, owning and wearing one would be kind of trite at this point.
posted by Burhanistan at 5:51 PM on February 2

Maybe if I cut a hole in the neck the size of a harmonica, and used it as a harmonica stand, and did instrumental Dylan covers with it, and called myself Horse Dylan, and then drank beer through the harmonica after the show while continuing to refuse to talk.

And then if someone gave me a hard time I could pull out a nice pre-printed business card that said

Horse Dylan
Musician

I cannot talk, I am a horse.

posted by cortex at 5:56 PM on February 2

Wow. And here I thought JH was the only guy who could make me like Dylan.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:01 PM on February 2

MeFite Rev. Sung Myung Me owns a horse-head, which he wears when he's on Chatroulette.
posted by pxe2000 at 6:05 PM on February 2 [1 favorite]

If we all buy horse heads, identifying Mefites at meetups will be *so* much easier.
posted by lukemeister at 6:18 PM on February 2

I hope nebulawindphone gets one. So he can introduce himself as the horsehead nebulawindphone.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:21 PM on February 2 [1 favorite]

In the 1890s, an unknown horse was found drowned in the Seine...
posted by horsewithnoname at 6:31 PM on February 2 [1 favorite]

In the 1890s, an unknown horse was found drowned in the Seine...

At least eleven severed hooves wearing horseshoes have been found washed ashore in Puget Sound during the past two decades.

But the real mystery is: they were all righties!

Gee! (US only. Elsewhere: Haw!)
 
posted by Herodios at 8:21 PM on February 2 [1 favorite]

I'll see your horse mask and raise you a UNICORN MASK.

I don't think anyone linked this upthread, if so, nevermind.
posted by oneswellfoop at 9:10 PM on February 2

Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it and my heart is just going to cave in.

All one can do at that point... is D A N C E.
posted by Rhaomi at 10:25 PM on February 2

Look at my horse, my horse is amazing.
posted by XhaustedProphet at 10:27 PM on February 2

To me, the mask looks more surprised/startled than terrified.

But thanks, I got a good laugh at an even better moment.
posted by Goofyy at 7:31 AM on February 3

Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed: Accoutrements Horse Head Mask by Accoutrements
posted by homunculus at 9:32 AM on February 14