The words of Christians in the mouth of Christ

February 2, 2012 1:08 PM

Tea Party Jesus
posted by OverlappingElvis (65 comments total)

By MeFi's own EarBucket.
posted by brundlefly at 1:15 PM on February 2, 2012 [4 favorites]

Christ, what an asshole.
posted by Doleful Creature at 1:18 PM on February 2, 2012 [15 favorites]

The author has been doing these for TWO YEARS.

TWO.
posted by The Devil Tesla at 1:24 PM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

I can't believe this hasn't been here before? I love it enough that it should be reposted every year (around Easter! Tax Time!).
posted by 2bucksplus at 1:25 PM on February 2, 2012

Jesus wouldn't say any of these things directly because he's a nice guy, but I think we all know that these things are what he meant.
posted by Joey Michaels at 1:26 PM on February 2, 2012 [4 favorites]

A truly devastating critique.
posted by anarch at 1:27 PM on February 2, 2012

I am actually stunned at some of these statements. I thought that couldn't happen anymore.
posted by Hoopo at 1:27 PM on February 2, 2012

I can't believe this hasn't been here before?

Yeah, I could have sworn it was posted before, but I guess EarBucket's involvement explains the association in my brain.
posted by brundlefly at 1:30 PM on February 2, 2012

Isn't this just a "GRAR TEAPUBLOLXTIANS" post?
posted by Talez at 1:30 PM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]

My first child will be named "Grar Teapublolxtians".
posted by brundlefly at 1:32 PM on February 2, 2012 [21 favorites]

Talez: As the poster, I actually think it's pretty pro-Christian and I'm not really laughing.
posted by OverlappingElvis at 1:35 PM on February 2, 2012 [18 favorites]

Some of the pics are perfect for the quotes.

Also, I'm trying to figure out how "TEAPUBLOLXTIANS" is pronounced. It looks like it should be some ancient Aztec or Mayan demon.
posted by rmd1023 at 1:35 PM on February 2, 2012 [19 favorites]

"The only way to make your enemy a friend is to defeat them or kill them” is especially great because it's a minister saying that. Have you even cracked the spine on your New Testament, Rev?
posted by DU at 1:40 PM on February 2, 2012 [6 favorites]

See, that's why I try not to listen to the news. Because I hear this stuff and my head explodes. Then I have to crawl around on the floor, gathering fluff and cramming it back in my head and then I'm late for work.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:41 PM on February 2, 2012 [12 favorites]

For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.
posted by longdaysjourney at 1:41 PM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

This interesting to read, as I have recently been informed that Jesus hates everyone, kills people, deceives people, and is a really scary guy.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the massive cognitive dissonance represented by "Tea Party Jesus" and by people like Mr. Fish.
posted by edguardo at 1:41 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Jesus wept (because socialists took away his capital gains tax rate).
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:42 PM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]

From the web site: The words of Christians in the mouth of Christ.

But isn't the quote about 'not being concerned about the poor' from the Moron Mitt Romney?

(How about a mouse over on the graphic that gives some info about the person who said whatever is being quoted? There were a few I could not ID which idiot said what when.)
posted by rough ashlar at 1:42 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Every butterball turkey has been sacrificed to Allah"


Too precious.
posted by dibblda at 1:43 PM on February 2, 2012

"But isn't the quote about 'not being concerned about the poor' from the Moron Mitt Romney?"

They do claim to be Christians.
posted by dibblda at 1:43 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

If you click on the images, it takes you to a page with more info about a particular quote.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 1:43 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

rough aslar, you can click on the pictures for links of what's said by whom.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:44 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

If this post is deleted for anything, it should be for the anti- of LOL.
posted by DU at 1:44 PM on February 2, 2012

(If it's not obvious, click each picture for a link to the source of the quote.)
posted by 2bucksplus at 1:44 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

I was going to post this on my FB, hoping the conservo relatives/friends would look at it.

But this is their brain: Cognitive dissonance/"That's blasphemous"/"If he didn't say it, he should have."
posted by NorthernLite at 1:45 PM on February 2, 2012

rough ashlar, Mormons (which is what I assume you meant by "Moron") consider themselves Christian.

There are certainly a lot of other flavors of Christian that would contest that, but there are Christians who think Catholics don't qualify either.
posted by brundlefly at 1:46 PM on February 2, 2012

Moron Mitt Romney

I can't tell if the typo was on purpose
posted by Hoopo at 1:47 PM on February 2, 2012 [8 favorites]

What Ruthless Bunny said . . .
posted by Lone_Wolf at 1:48 PM on February 2, 2012

Here's the MeFi Projects post.
posted by filthy light thief at 1:48 PM on February 2, 2012

Supply Side Jesus no longer!
posted by sandking at 1:50 PM on February 2, 2012

Moron Mitt Romney

I can't tell if the typo was on purpose

I assumed it was, calling Mormons "Morons" is fairly common (if still offensive).
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:51 PM on February 2, 2012

They do claim to be Christians.

And Xenu blesses the Scientologists. Its their religion, they can make any claim they want I guess. I'd see 'em as a group with a strong Masonic background and the 'We know what Jesus did last summer' was a hook. If the general other christians consider 'em christains..... No reason to ask the Roman Catholics however.

If you click on the images, it takes you to a page with more info about a particular quote.
you can click on the pictures for links of what's said by whom.

Well than, that'll make it more fun.
posted by rough ashlar at 1:56 PM on February 2, 2012

DU: "The only way to make your enemy a friend is to defeat them or kill them” is especially great because it's a minister saying that. Have you even cracked the spine on your New Testament, Rev?

The New Testament is for sissies who can't stand up to a bit of hell and damnation. Sure, Christ is Savior and all that, but he really fell down on the smiting of enemies. I'm pretty turn the other cheek should be " punch him in the other cheek."
posted by filthy light thief at 1:59 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Well, isn't this timely.
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 2:07 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Isn't this just a "GRAR TEAPUBLOLXTIANS" post?

I'm not a big fan of SLTumblr type posts, but this is a good one as far as it goes. Religious arguments make for bad public policy, and while that's mostly a GOP thing in this country there's probably a few examples from the other side of the aisle in there too. The problem with aggregators is that there's too damn many of them, and I appreciate that this is maybe a bit echo-chamberish. On the other hand, Romney's professed lack of concern for the poor seems to have startled even the evangelicals, who feel they at least deserve lip service.
posted by anigbrowl at 2:07 PM on February 2, 2012

With the exception of its more overt anti-semitism, the Tea Party version of Jesus is very clearly the same so-called "fighting Jesus" that Hitler wrote about in "My New Order," as follows:

My feelings as a Christian points me to my Lord and Savior as a fighter. It points me to the man who once in loneliness, surrounded by a few followers, recognized these Jews for what they were and summoned men to fight against them and who, God's truth! was greatest not as a sufferer but as a fighter.

I'm not sure how this fact has escaped popular scrutiny for so long.
posted by saulgoodman at 2:12 PM on February 2, 2012 [8 favorites]

Most "Christians" follow Christ to the exact extent that most Giants fans are extraordinarily large, or most Patriots fans are freezing in Valley Forge. Jesus is a mascot to them, and his actual teachings are beside the point.
posted by tyllwin at 2:13 PM on February 2, 2012 [30 favorites]

Obligatory link to the Gospel of Supply Side Jesus.
posted by crapmatic at 2:18 PM on February 2, 2012 [4 favorites]

It's just a good thing there is little-or-no historical proof that the Jesus of The New Testament ever existed so the Christians don't have to take his 'teachings' all that seriously. Or his appearance - nobody who lived in the first century Israel area was that white. (It does add a level of consistency to the words put into his mouth, though)
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:18 PM on February 2, 2012

nobody who lived in the first century Israel area was that white

Yeah but his father wasn't exactly a local.
posted by Hoopo at 2:34 PM on February 2, 2012 [5 favorites]

This seems like a good time to point out the original Republican Jesus, a production by General JC Christan at the Jesus' General blog. He's been doing this like forever, he even goes back to the days of The Horse. I could not hunt down the origins of Republican Jesus, which seem to be lost in the pre-2003 Blogger archives, but oh man they were just cruelly accurate back when they started. And many of the ancient ones (of the few I could find) are just as relevant today. I stopped following the blog for a while, when he stopped doing the comics for a few years, but he started back up and just today, one of the cartoons is the top of the page.. and there are even Tea Party Jesus comics.

It's a shame his old comment archives are gone. I used to spend a lot of time commenting on his posts in the character of "Captain Pike," who was an old school military advocate of the manly arts of saber and pike. Cpt. Pike would constantly rant about the importance of polishing one's saber, and the definitely-not-homosexual feelings of the spearman as he sunk his shaft deep into the body of his enemy.
posted by charlie don't surf at 2:41 PM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

@hoopo

now i am thinking of jesus-via-wilbur-whateley, and for this post i am sorry
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 2:42 PM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm trying to figure out how "TEAPUBLOLXTIANS" is pronounced.

I'm not sure, but maybe if we can trick them into saying it backwards, they'll be magickly sent back to the fifth dimension where they came from.

Worth a try.
 
posted by Herodios at 2:44 PM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]

If tea party protests start up again, it would be fun to show up in a tricorner hat and hold a sign that read "James 5:1". Wonder what Tea Party Jesus would think of these verses from the book of James?

Go to now, ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you.

Your riches are corrupted, and your garments are motheaten.

Your gold and silver is cankered; and the rust of them shall be a witness against you, and shall eat your flesh as it were fire. Ye have heaped treasure together for the last days.

Behold, the hire of the labourers who have reaped down your fields, which is of you kept back by fraud, crieth: and the cries of them which have reaped are entered into the ears of the Lord of sabaoth.

Ye have lived in pleasure on the earth, and been wanton; ye have nourished your hearts, as in a day of slaughter.

Ye have condemned and killed the just; and he doth not resist you.
posted by honestcoyote at 3:13 PM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

With the exception of its more overt anti-semitism, the Tea Party version of Jesus is very clearly the same so-called "fighting Jesus" that Hitler wrote about

You know who else wrote about.... oh... you really meant that didn't you?
posted by BobbyVan at 3:45 PM on February 2, 2012

Michael Moore's "Capitalism" had clips of Jesus from a '70s biopic mouthing Republican talking points as well.
posted by jhandey at 3:58 PM on February 2, 2012

This fruit is so low hanging that it's underground.
posted by Trurl at 4:01 PM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

With the exception of its more overt anti-semitism, the Tea Party version of Jesus is very clearly the same so-called "fighting Jesus" that Hitler wrote about in "My New Order," as follows:

I don't know about the Tea Party's Jesus, but Mark Driscoll's Jesus is pretty damn indistinguishable (Mark Driscoll is pastor of Seattle's Mars Hill Church, a neo-Calvinist borderline cult). From Driscoll:

“There is a strong drift toward the hard theological left. Some emergent types [want] to recast Jesus as a limp-wrist hippie in a dress with a lot of product in His hair, who drank decaf and made pithy Zen statements about life while shopping for the perfect pair of shoes. In Revelation, Jesus is a pride fighter with a tattoo down His leg, a sword in His hand and the commitment to make someone bleed. That is a guy I can worship. I cannot worship the hippie, diaper, halo Christ because I cannot worship a guy I can beat up. I fear some are becoming more cultural than Christian, and without a big Jesus who has authority and hates sin as revealed in the Bible, we will have less and less Christians, and more and more confused, spiritually self-righteous blogger critics of Christianity.”
posted by jhandey at 4:06 PM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

I sent this to my (Episcopal) priest father. He loves it!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 4:30 PM on February 2, 2012

I like those Jesus-Art background images. I wish I still had some of those crude coloured-pencil drawings of Jesus I made when I was a kid.
posted by ovvl at 4:43 PM on February 2, 2012

I was laughing so hard before I read this thread and realized those were real quotes. I just thought the combination of these specific pictures with speech ballons in conversationalist tones was hilarious. Like "Everyone has an angry ex-spouse" and Jesus walking beside a person carrying a cross saying "For my money, we should go back to public hangings." Just amazing.
posted by Corduroy at 5:13 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Also, EarBucket posted this on the Projects page, which may be why it seems like a double to some people.
posted by Corduroy at 5:26 PM on February 2, 2012

Oh wow.
posted by postcommunism at 5:47 PM on February 2, 2012

Bible thumpin' war drums.
posted by dutcherino at 6:03 PM on February 2, 2012

Hey, guys! For the record, for the purposes of the site, I consider anyone who self-identifies as a Christian to be Christian. If a public figure claims to be a follower of Jesus Christ, they're fair game to be compared to his standard, so Mormons fall under that banner. Though I should say that compared to the other GOP candidates, Mitt Romney hasn't provided much in the way of fodder for me. He's much more disciplined about saying crazy things than Newt Gingrich or Rick Perry.
posted by EarBucket at 6:26 PM on February 2, 2012

Didn't go through all 40+ pages for fear my head would explode but I've always been fond of this if it isn't already on the TPJ list.
posted by fuse theorem at 6:34 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

I can't believe this hasn't been here before?

In comments, at least.
posted by homunculus at 7:35 PM on February 2, 2012

now i am thinking of jesus-via-wilbur-whateley, and for this post i am sorry

Now I'm wondering about the one that looked more like the father than Jesus did.

(I have no idea how the idea of The Dunwich Horror as parody of Christianity didn't occur to me until you mentioned it.)
posted by Pope Guilty at 7:50 PM on February 2, 2012

This fruit is so low hanging that it's underground.

Peanuts are indeed popular.
posted by Quinbus Flestrin at 8:37 PM on February 2, 2012

Hey! You got Religion in my Politics!

You got Politics in my Religion!


Two great tastes...
posted by mazola at 8:48 PM on February 2, 2012

Funnier then I was expecting

Also, I'm trying to figure out how "TEAPUBLOLXTIANS" is pronounced. It looks like it should be some ancient Aztec or Mayan demon.

Tea-pub-lol-xtians, with lots of different possibilities for 'xtians', but I'm going with 'sea-ans' or 'tse-ands' (tse Like 'general tso'). You wouldn't want a guttural stop since it's in the middle of a word.
posted by delmoi at 12:08 AM on February 3, 2012

Tea-pub-lol-xtians

Oh, so it's Chinese! Shouldn't it be written: ti-po-lo-xian?
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 4:32 AM on February 3, 2012

Late to the party, but somewhat on topic

Former NDP member (Canada's left-wing "socialist" party) and current United Church minister and theology professor Bill Blaikie is speaking at an evangelical university to explain why neo-conservative values don't mesh with Christian values, and to explain "the social gospel"
posted by Hoopo at 8:55 AM on February 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Yesterday, during the National Prayer Breakfast, President Obama cited a passage from the Book of Luke to support his view that the well-off should be expected to contribute more

...

And now right-wing leaders and Republicans are outraged, with Sen. Orrin Hatch lashing out about it on the Senate floor and Rep. Phil Gingrey walking out in protest while Ralph Reed, of all people, is saying that Obama went "over the line"

I think it would be hilarious if Obama went with the "Jesus wants you to pay more taxes and support the poor" line as part of his campaign, just to see the right flip out.
posted by delmoi at 10:08 AM on February 4, 2012

Jesus versus the GOP: The man from Nazareth would have been appalled by the “Christian” Republican candidates
posted by homunculus at 1:16 PM on February 7, 2012