"…and he's really, really good."
February 6, 2012 3:12 PM   Subscribe

How would the country react if the best quarterback in the league was a Satanist?
posted by DoctorFedora (26 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite

 
You mean he isn't?
posted by clarknova at 3:16 PM on February 6, 2012 [3 favorites]


Tebowing. Teburning?
posted by Fizz at 3:18 PM on February 6, 2012 [2 favorites]


I hadn't seen Mike Vick ranked that highly...
posted by Mad_Carew at 3:22 PM on February 6, 2012 [3 favorites]


Satan has already played for 5 NHL teams.
posted by Hoopo at 3:22 PM on February 6, 2012 [12 favorites]


Gonna be honest - this was hilarious.
posted by Weighted Companion Cube at 3:23 PM on February 6, 2012


Fun stuff. Loved the punchline. And it gives me an excuse to share this here video which warms my black little heart cuz fuck Tim Tebow for reals.
posted by EatTheWeak at 3:30 PM on February 6, 2012 [2 favorites]


This is pretty funny. I get an additional chuckle out of the fact that the Satanist Superbowl will take place in New Orleans at the Superdome.
posted by localroger at 3:39 PM on February 6, 2012


Let's not forget about baseball Satanist Chris Truby.
posted by chrchr at 4:01 PM on February 6, 2012 [1 favorite]


damn. I wish he had named him Mit Wobet. Mainly because I think it's really fun to say "HAIL WOBET!"
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 4:09 PM on February 6, 2012 [3 favorites]


Actually I don't think the religious wackaloons would have a lot of trouble comprehending great success from a Satanist. After all, aren't they always constantly having to remind themselves how powerful Satan is, how strong his lure is? They would just see it as another facet of the constant struggle that they've been having all their life, possibly even feeling sorry for the guy and trying to save him. Of course they'd root against him and his team, and possibly rail against the management that signed him, but fundamentally the situation would fit into their established world view; I don't think their heads would really explode. Now repeat the exercise with someone that professes no allegiance towards or acknowledgement of supernatural fiction of any kind, one who actively rebukes any such suggestion. Wouldn't that be more satisfying?
posted by Rhomboid at 4:22 PM on February 6, 2012 [2 favorites]


Less offensive to dying cancer patients than someone thanking God for 6 points?
posted by Smedleyman at 4:32 PM on February 6, 2012 [11 favorites]


I still wouldn't know who was playing.
posted by cjorgensen at 4:33 PM on February 6, 2012


Of course they'd root against him and his team, and possibly rail against the management that signed him, but fundamentally the situation would fit into their established world view; I don't think their heads would really explode. Now repeat the exercise with someone that professes no allegiance towards or acknowledgement of supernatural fiction of any kind, one who actively rebukes any such suggestion. Wouldn't that be more satisfying?

eh, I think Satanists are still considered much more "out there" than atheists, judging by the response to both groups here and elsewhere. And many Satanists are atheists, just as in the article ("By midsummer, we know that Tom Tebow is of a denomination that views Satan as an adversary to religion rather than a spiritual deity.")
posted by vorfeed at 4:35 PM on February 6, 2012


Satan has already played for 5 NHL teams.

such a shame he never signed with the Devils
posted by mannequito at 4:35 PM on February 6, 2012 [3 favorites]


I suggest you go ask Kenny Stabler. OK, maybe not quite a Satanist, but the old Oakland Raiders were just about as reviled.
posted by Fnarf at 4:38 PM on February 6, 2012


Pat Tillman was merely an atheist and you saw what they did to him.
posted by sourwookie at 4:39 PM on February 6, 2012 [4 favorites]


Just as long as he wasn't an atheist, America would probably be cool with it.
posted by Afroblanco at 4:49 PM on February 6, 2012 [4 favorites]


Would he maunder on and on about how Satan is what got the team to the big game and then either choke half way through, or actually manage to pull it out, only to fall down completely the following season?

Because I live in St. Louis and my response to that noise has already been honed to a razor edge.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 5:05 PM on February 6, 2012 [2 favorites]


The only reason I can sort of decode hockey blogs is because I grew up on a steady diet of the Leafs losing to Philly. American football may as well be some obscure Mayan sport imported from Mars for all the sense it makes to me.
posted by clvrmnky at 5:54 PM on February 6, 2012


"The list continues to whittle itself down from there, further and further until one final suitor remains: The Washington Redskins. It’s a perfect match because if it’s true that God really did wrap his arms around Denver, then his nuts landed on Washington’s face ... "

Absolutely great.
posted by codacorolla at 6:59 PM on February 6, 2012


Goal post vs. Pitchfork. Coincidence?
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:20 PM on February 6, 2012


This is a stellar piece of writing, hats off Mr. Oatmeal. I am not a fan of Tim Tebow, I am a member of the RAIDER NATION!(seriously)..... I do however like (TBOW- NASDAQ) and TeBowie was great too.
posted by ktrain at 8:30 PM on February 6, 2012


Trend Micro has confirmed that this website can transmit malicious software or has been involved in online scams or fraud.

Any idea why? That can't just be because of the content, can it?
posted by msalt at 6:40 AM on February 7, 2012


msalt: ok good I got the same error, i thought it was just the work firewall acting up again.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 7:15 AM on February 7, 2012


Mr. Rodgers is a Satanist?

Cheesus Christ!
posted by Capricorn13 at 12:38 PM on February 7, 2012


Call me when an actual ignostic shows up. A Satanist is just acknowledging the "Dark Side" of whatever religion decides to claim opposition. An atheist is opposing theism. All of these folks beg the question.

Now, your ignostic, well, he or she understands that, simply put, nobody knows what the hell (and I'm tossing that in with the appropriate irony) they're talking about, so there's no sense debating it. Too many assumptions, too many opinions, too many guesses.

When someone signs an ignostic quarterback, and that quarterback tries to express an ignostic point of view, well, everybody's going to line up to burn him to death, because the only thing worse than telling a theist that they're full of BS is telling an atheist that they're full of BS, at the same time.
posted by FormlessOne at 8:27 PM on February 7, 2012


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