Teddy Wants You!

February 8, 2012 8:42 PM

You probably already know that mascots wearing over-sized caricature foam heads of the four Mount Rushmore presidents race around the bases during home games for the Washington Nationals. You also probably know that Teddy has never officially won a single race.

Did you know that if you are over 18, 5'7" to 6'6", can run from center field to home plate in 40 seconds, dig the costume, and are available for 35 home games in Washington, DC, that you can become one of them?

Auditions are not open to the public, but anyone can send in their info to get an invitation. The deadline is this Friday. Represent, DC MeFites!

posted by juliplease (35 comments total)

I wouldn't normally link to wikipedia, but I thought the write-up of Teddy's antics/losses there was well put-together.
posted by juliplease at 8:42 PM on February 8, 2012 [2 favorites]

Off by half an inch! Also I would probably try to kneecap Jayson Werth.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 8:47 PM on February 8, 2012

Wow, this is so fun it makes me say a sentence I could have sworn I'd never ever say:

Man, I want to go to a Nationals home game!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:47 PM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish: "Off by half an inch! Also I would probably try to kneecap Jayson Werth."

If you're anyone but Teddy, Werth might kneecap you first. Self-proclaimed Bull Moose party members take this stuff seriously.
posted by Copronymus at 8:50 PM on February 8, 2012

This is actually perfect for me. But...a resume? Highlighting what?
posted by psoas at 8:51 PM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

Now I have an excuse to get in shape! They won't let me into the games normally.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 8:59 PM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

"To destroy this invisible Government, to dissolve the unholy alliance between corrupt business and corrupt politics is the first task of the statesmanship of the day." - T. R. - 1912 Progressive Party Platform

No wonder they never let Teddy win a race.... He's probably on a terrorist watch list.
posted by Bighappyfunhouse at 9:00 PM on February 8, 2012 [3 favorites]

I sent this to my little sister, who is currently living in Virginia, and could probably hit the height requirement if she'd just stand up straight goddamnit, and loves baseball like nobody's business, although she's a Braves fan and probably has some kind of thing against the Nationals.

She is also single and gorgeous and in her early 30s with a steady job, memail me.
posted by padraigin at 9:25 PM on February 8, 2012 [4 favorites]

How have I not heard of this (apart from not living in D.C., and not being a particularly big baseball fan)? What a great promotion, and story line! I feel for Teddy now, too!
posted by Curious Artificer at 9:30 PM on February 8, 2012

Wait, they're trying to stop the Phaithful from invading Nationals Park? Looks like I picked the right year to move to DC.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 9:33 PM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

This is actually perfect for me. But...a resume? Highlighting what?

No, but really, does anyone have a copy of a mascot resume?
posted by justalisteningman at 10:05 PM on February 8, 2012

Skills: fits in a mascot costume.

Experience: was a mascot.
posted by kmz at 10:09 PM on February 8, 2012

That's no Youppi!. Also, fuck the Washington Nationals.
posted by docgonzo at 10:20 PM on February 8, 2012

Funny that it is Teddy who's cursed at the races. You'd think that the real Teddy would beat the pants off the other ones, given what a proponent of athletics and active guy he was.
posted by switchsonic at 10:54 PM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]

It's hard enough wearing any clothes at a baseball game in DC in July, I can't imagine what it's like with a full-length getup plus a giant foam head while running a 40-yard dash.
posted by Challahtronix at 3:23 AM on February 9, 2012

A couple friends of mine used to occasionally be minor-league mascots. I believe their main complaint was that the uniform's laundry schedule was ... insufficient.

Unless they're steam-cleaning TR after every game ... I wouldn't want to be anywhere near that thing.
posted by uncleozzy at 4:54 AM on February 9, 2012

No, but really, does anyone have a copy of a mascot resume?

I found a mascot resume on LinkedIn.

posted by COD at 5:13 AM on February 9, 2012

Teddy Roosevelt gets smashed by Potato Pete in the most amazing mascot race video ever!
posted by unreasonable at 5:30 AM on February 9, 2012

Now I have an excuse to get in shape! They won't let me into the games normally.

I went to a Phillies-Nats game last year on Ian Desmond Bobblehead Night; as usual the place was crawling with Phillies fans, none of whom seemed willing to give up the chance to get a free bobblehead of a random Nats player. I saw one big guy walking out of their with a sack of two bobbleheads in each hand; I think his whole family got one. I assume he was going to sell them or something, but I like the idea that his home is now decorated with four Ian Desmond bobbleheads.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 5:39 AM on February 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Did you know that if you are over 18, 5'7" to 6'6", can run from center field to home plate in 40 seconds,...you too could play for the Washington Nationals?
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:19 AM on February 9, 2012 [6 favorites]

Funny that it is Teddy who's cursed at the races. You'd think that the real Teddy would beat the pants off the other ones, given what a proponent of athletics and active guy he was.

switchsonic, to be fair: George was long-legged and athletic, and Lincoln was famously competitive and very tall. Seems like only Jefferson wasn't an "OutaMyWay!!" kinda guy.

Actually, if all three were in their prime, it's hard to say who would win...
posted by IAmBroom at 6:30 AM on February 9, 2012

padraigin: She is also single and gorgeous and in her early 30s with a steady job, memail me.

♪ Matchmaker, matchmaker ♫ ... stop trying to hook me up with your "internet friends." ;)


switchsonic: Funny that it is Teddy who's cursed at the races. You'd think that the real Teddy would beat the pants off the other ones, given what a proponent of athletics and active guy he was.

After "the Brazilian wilderness stole away 10 years of [his] life," he was never the same.
posted by filthy light thief at 6:58 AM on February 9, 2012

Similarly, there's the Milwaukee sausage race at the Brewers stadium, if you ever wanted to dress up as a bratwurst or a chorizo.
posted by desjardins at 7:25 AM on February 9, 2012

I was not aware of this, and had to look for footage on YouTube. It's everything I thought it would be.
posted by usonian at 7:30 AM on February 9, 2012

I always wanted to see the Milwaukee Sausages race the Pittsburgh Pierogies (which Wikipedia claims they do 2x a year), but this race with the Presidents, Sausages and Pierogies (with Secret Service on segways) tells me I should clearly aim higher.
posted by zix at 7:39 AM on February 9, 2012

Unfortunately, the presidents' race is the only bearable part of watching a game at that stadium. Camden Yards is a much better place to enjoy a game.
posted by QIbHom at 8:01 AM on February 9, 2012

Camden Yards is a much better place to enjoy a game.

Except that if you are there you are watching the Orioles, who have been wretched for a very long time now.
posted by Danf at 8:08 AM on February 9, 2012

Actually, if all three were in their prime, it's hard to say who would win...

My money is on this guy.
posted by Manjusri at 10:53 AM on February 9, 2012

Except that if you are there you are watching the Orioles, who have been wretched for a very long time now.

As opposed to the Nationals?
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 11:15 AM on February 9, 2012 [1 favorite]

Until you see it in person at a Nats game, you have no idea how effing hilarious they actually are to watch.

Besides, most Nats fans have gotten up from their seats by the fourth inning to get well and truly smashed in one of the 1,437 bars at the park (assuming they haven't already done so in the beer gardens before the game) before stumbling back onto the Metro and making the green line a whole new kind of social adventure...
posted by Thistledown at 1:12 PM on February 9, 2012

Why would I possibly know any of these things?
posted by OverlappingElvis at 9:18 PM on February 9, 2012

Until you see it in person at a Nats game, you have no idea how effing hilarious they actually are to watch.

I've certainly gotten my share of enjoyment out of making fun of the Nationals, but they were a fairly average team last year (just under .500). They weren't really the hilariously bad team they've been in the past.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 5:39 AM on February 10, 2012

DON'T WHACK OUR WIENER (sfw)
posted by desjardins at 8:12 AM on February 10, 2012

I was just going to say, I only heard about any of this because a friend sent me a link to the "don't whack our weiner" scandal, but desjardins beat me to it. (I agree with juliplease that that Wiki account of TR's races makes interesting reading.)
posted by LeLiLo at 9:08 AM on February 10, 2012

FOLLOW UP! So on a lark, I went ahead and sent in my resume...and to my surprise was invited to the tryouts. [Management claimed there were 60 of us invited from a pool of 300 applicants; again, I really can't fathom how it was decided.] We had to sign a waiver affirming that we would not talk specifics via social media, but it was pretty much like this, minus the wind and plus hours waiting in the underbelly of the stadium to be interviewed after the races.

The costumes, as you might expect, were (a) quite top-heavy and (b) pretty complicated to put on (with an average of three people helping someone get in to each one). Teddy, alas, was on vacation again.
posted by psoas at 4:02 PM on February 18, 2012 [1 favorite]