Honest Abe is honestly awesome

February 14, 2012 7:04 AM

The trailer for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter has been released.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (154 comments total)

This trailer bugged me, Lincoln did not have a deep manly voice, his voice was described as being shrill, almost inaudible past 10 yards, and front loaded with a profound Kentucky twang. I think it is pretty cool that all the power in Lincoln's speech was in his words.

Then I saw someone in 1860s clothing that might be Magic superhero Lincoln chopping down a tree with what was, presumably, a very well sharpened axe at the very end and all was forgiven.
posted by Blasdelb at 7:12 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

I think I'll wait for the sequel --- Calvin Coolidge: Underwater Giant Squid hunter.
posted by cacofonie at 7:12 AM on February 14 [24 favorites]

I'm holding out for  Napoleon Bonaparte : Short Invader From Mars
posted by jeffburdges at 7:13 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

Abraham Lincoln: Cherry Tree Destroyer
posted by swift at 7:15 AM on February 14

People are still doing this? This is still cool?
posted by weinbot at 7:16 AM on February 14 [5 favorites]

A century from now, the hot ticket will be George W. Bush: Poodle Stylist.
posted by Naberius at 7:16 AM on February 14 [7 favorites]

I don't usually want to be this guy in a movie that's as goofy as this, but God Damn did that shot of the Washington Monument bother me. When Lincoln was alive, this is what the Washington Monument looked like.
posted by Copronymus at 7:16 AM on February 14 [20 favorites]

Abraham Lincoln: Cherry Tree Destroyer

Metafilter: letting Abraham Lincoln steal George Washington's schtick. You are making George Washington cry. I hope you are happy.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:18 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

This is a real thing? I just started watching Party Down and this was a plot point in one of the episodes I watched last night. Strange.

People are still doing this? This is still cool?

What? Watching movies? Yeah, people will probably still be doing that for a long time.
posted by bondcliff at 7:18 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

I think this is just the new convention for titling historical horror movies. The character called Abe Lincoln won't much resemble the real one anyway, so you just pick the name of someone famous from the era you want to use.
posted by LogicalDash at 7:18 AM on February 14

William Taft: Sexual Healer
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:18 AM on February 14 [44 favorites]

God Damn did that shot of the Washington Monument bother me.

The instant that shot started I thought, no, that can't be right. But then I thought, surely somebody would do this research. Apparently not.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:19 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

Snakes in a Plane 2.0

You best believe I'll be there opening day, though...
posted by empath at 7:19 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

Yeah, I know this makes me Old Man Grumpus, but this whole project makes me sad. There were so many things that were really fucking cool about Lincoln that all of this pop culture mashup shit is just a waste of time.

You know what I'd like to see? A Boardwalk Empire-style HBO series adapting Gore Vidal's Lincoln (with flashbacks to the broadswords-in-a-pit duel).
posted by COBRA! at 7:19 AM on February 14 [9 favorites]

Calvin Coolidge: Rodeo Clown
posted by PenDevil at 7:19 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

Copronymus: Plus, everyone knows Andrew Jackson and John Calhoun killed all the vampires 25 years earlier. That's why their hair was so intense.
posted by aubilenon at 7:21 AM on February 14 [5 favorites]

Otto Bismark: Cyborg Assassin
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:21 AM on February 14 [11 favorites]

The book was actually pretty enjoyable, and I was almost-excited about the movie ... but this trailer is all darkness and MTV-cut action. I don't get it.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:22 AM on February 14

This could have been the chance of a lifetime to cast a legitimately ugly person as the lead to a Hollywood action movie. Instead they went for someone who already played Andrew Jackson. AJ was no Homely Horace I'll tell you that much.
posted by Winnemac at 7:22 AM on February 14

But then I thought, surely somebody would do this research. Apparently not.

I'm sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think the historical record shows that Abraham Lincoln hunted vampires.

My understanding is that the vampire scourge didn't really become a national issue until the presidency of Teddy Roosevelt, and that the first president to actually kill a vampire was Warren G Harding.

But you have to understand that Hollywood is in the business of selling tickets, and while Harding's skills in hand to hand combat were unsurpassed, he just doesn't have the personality to carry a movie in the way that Lincoln does.
posted by empath at 7:23 AM on February 14 [55 favorites]

What? Watching movies? Yeah, people will probably still be doing that for a long time.

Don't be dense.

I'm talking about the dumb trend of mixing history or historical fiction with monsters.

See also: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Sense and Sensibility and Seamonsters, Android Karenina, and all that shit.

Also: http://xkcd.com/856/
posted by weinbot at 7:23 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

I thought this was going to be a super-B-movie sequel to Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter... honestly, a little disappointed that it looks legit :(
posted by mokudekiru at 7:23 AM on February 14 [4 favorites]

Well, it will probably be better than that carpet stain of a film "Wanted" (by the same director), although faint praise damnation and whatnot.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:24 AM on February 14

W.H. Harrison: The Undead President.
posted by Think_Long at 7:25 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

In fact it's William Taft: 2012 Presidential candidate.

I'm about 5 chapters in. It's pretty good.
posted by feckless at 7:25 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

See also: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,

Same author.
posted by empath at 7:25 AM on February 14

Huh. I think I'll stick with this, personally. The One True vampire hunter!
posted by Stunt at 7:25 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

Andrew Jackson: Buffalo Fucker
posted by swift at 7:26 AM on February 14 [16 favorites]

Yes, it's an utterly stupid/preposterous concept and (by the look of it) over the top treatment, but to such an extent that it transcends my grar threshold and becomes somehow sublime. I want to see it as a double feature with FDR: American Badass (NSFW language).
posted by usonian at 7:26 AM on February 14 [4 favorites]

Easter Movies : Zombie Jesus, The Passion of Zombie Jesus, etc.
posted by jeffburdges at 7:30 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

FDR: American Badass...

Are you fucking kidding me? This isn't a 30 Rock spoof?
posted by Madamina at 7:30 AM on February 14

I watched the FDR trailer recently. It pales in comparison to the sheer potential behind FDR: Mechwarrior Reborn.
posted by lemuring at 7:31 AM on February 14 [5 favorites]

This is the one that Daniel Day Lewis has been dressing as Lincoln for for months, right?
posted by supercres at 7:31 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

You guys should really check out the book. Excellent pulpy stuff.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 7:32 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

I don't usually want to be this guy in a movie that's as goofy as this, but God Damn did that shot of the Washington Monument bother me.

If it makes you feel better they seemed to get the construction of the Capitol dome right, probably from this inauguration photo.
posted by peeedro at 7:32 AM on February 14

the first president to actually kill a vampire was Warren G Harding

And here I thought Harding was the first president to become a vampire. Although, of the hideous undead semblances of Presidents, Reagan remains the most memorable.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:33 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

this looks OK, but after this one, let's stop with the classical literature and/or historical figure + present day zombie/vampire/monster mashup obsession, pleasey?
posted by Bwithh at 7:34 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

weinbot: “Also: http://xkcd.com/856/”

People are still doing this? This is still cool?

I mean, how long have we had a 'link' button? There's even one on the mobile spreadsheet now.
posted by koeselitz at 7:34 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

Found in a darkened corner of the Library of Congress:


George Washington: Medusae Hunter
John Adams: Gargoyle Hunter
Thomas Jefferson: Hobgoblin Hunter
James Madison: Ghoul Hunter
James Monroe: Mummie Hunter
John Quincy Adams: Wraith Hunter
Andrew Jackson: Orc Hunter
Martin Van Buren: Wight Hunter
William Henry Harrison: Ogre Hunter
John Tyler: Chimera Hunter
James K. Polk: Efreet Hunter
Zachary Taylor: Pegasi Hunter
Millard Fillmore: Elve Hunter
Franklin Pierce: Green Slime Hunter
James Buchanan: Djinn Hunter
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Andrew Johnson: Zombie Hunter
Ulysses S. Grant: Hippogriff Hunter
Rutherford B. Hayes: Griffon Hunter
James A. Garfield: Yellow Mold Hunter
Chester A. Arthur: Ochre Jelly Hunter
Grover Cleveland: Goblin Hunter
Benjamin Harrison: Nixie Hunter
Grover Cleveland: Minotaur Hunter
William McKinley: Gnome Hunter
Theodore Roosevelt: Hydra Hunter
William Howard Taft: Dragon Hunter
Woodrow Wilson: Gnoll Hunter
Warren G. Harding: Lycanthrope Hunter
Calvin Coolidge: Gorgon Hunter
Herbert Hoover: Purple Worm Hunter
Franklin D. Roosevelt: Basilisk Hunter
Harry S. Truman: Wyvern Hunter
Dwight D. Eisenhower: Black Pudding Hunter
John F. Kennedy: Elemental Hunter
Lyndon B. Johnson: Manticora Hunter
Richard Nixon: Gray Ooze Hunter
Gerald Ford: Roc Hunter
Jimmy Carter: Invisible Stalker Hunter
Ronald Reagan: Centaur Hunter
George H. W. Bush: Unicorn Hunter
Bill Clinton: Dwarve Hunter
George W. Bush: Pixie Hunter
Barack Obama: Troll Hunter

posted by gwint at 7:35 AM on February 14 [18 favorites]

It pales in comparison to the sheer potential behind FDR: Mechwarrior Reborn.

Oooh.. now do Stalin next..
posted by empath at 7:35 AM on February 14

Huh. I think I'll stick with this yt , personally. The One True vampire hunter!

Stunt, that's the first thing that came to mind when I saw the title. I watched that on Netflix a while back, and suddenly found myself wanting to show it to everyone I know.
posted by mysterpigg at 7:35 AM on February 14

People are still doing this? This is still cool?

he probably though metafilter had an auto-link feature like every other site on the internet has had for the past 10 years.
posted by empath at 7:36 AM on February 14

an utterly stupid/preposterous concept and...over the top treatment

Pretty much right up Timur Bekmambetov's alley, then. Should be lots of fun to watch and generally incoherent, if his Night Watch movies are any indication.
posted by mediareport at 7:39 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

Ben Franklin: Franco-American Ninja
Grover Cleveland: Witch Hunter and Then, Four Years Later, Demon Slayer
Marbury vs. Madison: The Quickening
Thomas PAIN
posted by PlusDistance at 7:39 AM on February 14 [8 favorites]

I thought this was going to be a super-B-movie sequel to Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter ... honestly, a little disappointed that it looks legit :(

The as-yet-unmade sequel to JCVH involves twentieth-century Jesus travelling back in to time first-century Judea with sidekick El Santo to, well, hunt vampires. Twentieth-century Jesus is killed by a vampire, so El Santo swaps his body for that of Lazarus. When he gets raised, the two Jesii team up if I recall correctly.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:39 AM on February 14 [3 favorites]

People are still doing this? This is still cool?

Inserting fantastical themes into historical fiction? The Bible comes to mind. So yes. Seems to be a thing humans like do.
posted by cmoj at 7:41 AM on February 14 [3 favorites]

Nat Turner: Devil Killer
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:41 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

Jimmy Carter: Invisible Stalker Hunter

This was actually Jimmy Carter: Swamp Rabbit Hunter
posted by Llama-Lime at 7:41 AM on February 14 [3 favorites]

People have been doing this for a long time.

But was Jefferson Davis a vampire? That explains ... well, it doesn't explain anything, really.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:41 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

Is Nat Turner: White Devil Killer too much? The studios want to appeal to the "urban" demo, right?
posted by zombieflanders at 7:42 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

I watched the FDR trailer recently. It pales in comparison to the sheer potential behind FDR: Mechwarrior Reborn.

Why, hello there new phone wallpaper.
posted by zombieflanders at 7:45 AM on February 14

At least it's more historically accurate than Michael Bay's Pearl Harbor movie.
posted by Mokusatsu at 7:59 AM on February 14 [7 favorites]

Pierre Trudeau: CoEd Stalker

(I'm trying)
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 8:04 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

I can't be ironically detached about this. A movie about Abraham Lincoln fighting vampires directed by the guy who did Wanted sounds exactly like something I want to see.

Plus the last shot of him chopping down the tree made me laugh out loud.
posted by HostBryan at 8:07 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

Chester A. Arthur: Forgotten Presidency, Forgotten Zombie Slayer.
posted by Kitteh at 8:08 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

I just wish it was the Vaunnies Mustardayonaisse version of Abe.
posted by symbioid at 8:09 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

William Henry Harrison: A Short Film
posted by Turkey Glue at 8:09 AM on February 14 [3 favorites]

Vlad Tepes: Accounts Payable Junior Associate
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:11 AM on February 14 [5 favorites]

Tamerlane: Tier I Helpdesk Representative
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:13 AM on February 14 [6 favorites]

Dan Quayle: Tribblekiller
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 8:14 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

Alexander III of Macedon: Sandwich Artist
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:16 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

That movie looks terrible compared to this one.
posted by DU at 8:16 AM on February 14

Pfft. I can't wait for FDR: American Badass. (On preview, I see I'm not the only one)
posted by ColdChef at 8:20 AM on February 14

AJ was no Homely Horace

Hey! Not cool.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 8:23 AM on February 14 [4 favorites]

Man, I haven't seen CGI gumby characters that bad since the Matrix Reloaded shit.

The book was great, in my opinion, and this could have been an awesome movie if it was played right.
posted by odinsdream at 8:23 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

Martin Van Buren: Truffle Hunter
posted by the painkiller at 8:23 AM on February 14 [3 favorites]

I would like Ben Walker to play all the presidents! 2 down, 42 to go (err, maybe 41; not sure he'd be the best choice for Obama).
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:25 AM on February 14

okay wait one more

Teddy Roosevelt: Everything Hunter So Probably There Were Some Vampires In There
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:26 AM on February 14 [15 favorites]

Blasdelb said "This trailer bugged me, Lincoln did not have a deep manly voice, his voice was described as being shrill..."

The talking was Johnny Cash reading from Revelation, I think.
posted by kenaldo at 8:27 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

A half built Washington Monument would have been a beautiful, mood correct for this movie, set piece.
posted by bdc34 at 8:28 AM on February 14

"Wanted (by the same director)"

Aaaaand my already limited desire to see this movie disappears completely.
posted by kyrademon at 8:28 AM on February 14

Bill Clinton: Beaver Hunter

I'll show myself out
posted by elizardbits at 8:28 AM on February 14 [13 favorites]

William Henry Harrison: A Short Film

Thirty Two Short Films About William Henry Harrison.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:29 AM on February 14 [3 favorites]

I'll play along:

Millard Fillmore: Male Prostitute
posted by Neilopolis at 8:30 AM on February 14 [3 favorites]

Harry: Truman
posted by zombieflanders at 8:32 AM on February 14 [4 favorites]

Harriet Tubman: C.H.U.Railroad
posted by ColdChef at 8:35 AM on February 14 [5 favorites]

A half built Washington Monument would have been a beautiful, mood correct for this movie, set piece.

Definitely a missed opportunity. What could be more neo-Gothic than pre-ruins?
posted by Copronymus at 8:35 AM on February 14

Generally speaking, when a trailer comes out, it barely represents the finished film. There will be scenes in it that never make the finished film, and concept artwork, and shots done specifically for the trailer.

That Washington monument image may never appear in the film. Or it may be corrected when the film comes out. Criticizing a film based on its trailer is like criticizing a book based on some notes published a year in advance, cobbled together by a PR team that has no idea what the finished product will look like.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 8:41 AM on February 14

Is this the sort of shit modern movie makers pull when the creative well for sequels has run dry? Juxtapose two unrelated things, ignore any semblance of either history or sense, then just run with it and trust the ADHD generation to scarf it up with its usual undiscerning alacrity?

Fair enough.
posted by Decani at 8:45 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: undiscerning alacrity
posted by DU at 8:48 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

This is a real thing? I just started watching Party Down and this was a plot point in one of the episodes I watched last night. Strange.

That episode came out in 2009. The Abe Lincoln vampire book came out in 2010, and now the movie. And Adam Scott didn't get the part, just like in the show.

But seriously, they should owe royalties to the Party Down team.
posted by The Michael The at 8:50 AM on February 14

This reminded me that I still think there should be a full length biopic based firmly on Brad Neely's George Washington song.

(He saves children, but not the British children.)
posted by Drastic at 8:51 AM on February 14 [6 favorites]

That Washington monument image may never appear in the film. Or it may be corrected when the film comes out. Criticizing a film based on its trailer is like criticizing a book based on some notes published a year in advance, cobbled together by a PR team that has no idea what the finished product will look like.

I'm just moving the Overton window. If no one complains about it now then the odds that they leave the Monument in the final movie increase.
posted by Copronymus at 8:53 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

Kind of related: The Amazing Screw-On Head
posted by cman at 8:54 AM on February 14 [3 favorites]

The monument thing bugged me in a really strong way cause I like pointing out the two different colors of stone on the monument and saying "yeah that break in color there? that's called the civil war."

I get the feeling at some point during production they got the memo that FDR: American Badass and Iron Sky where going to be over the top camp fests and maybe they should go in a different direction. That or the trailer has been cut to make it look more serious then it is.

And the Gore Vidal HBO mini-series you want is EMPIRE, not LINCOLN.
posted by The Whelk at 8:56 AM on February 14

That Washington monument image may never appear in the film. Or it may be corrected when the film comes out.

Not a spoiler ... if you read the book, you know from the end of the story that the shot of the Washington Monument likely takes place much later in history. It doesn't need to be "corrected."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:57 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

This is a real thing? I just started watching Party Down and this was a plot point in one of the episodes I watched last night. Strange.

Technically the film getting made in that episode is about Poe hunting vampires, and Henry wanted the part of Young Lincoln.

Is this the sort of shit modern movie makers pull when the creative well for sequels has run dry?

What, book adaptations? They've been doing that for like a hundred years.
posted by shakespeherian at 8:59 AM on February 14

These mashups might be lazy but they've brought in some serious $$ for the author Seth Grahame-Smith, and apparently enough juice in LA to sign him on to write the sequel to Beetlejuice.
posted by mcgordonliddy at 9:02 AM on February 14

Oh goddammit another Tim Burton thing?
posted by shakespeherian at 9:04 AM on February 14

I just want to know what Sarah Vowell thinks of this.
posted by KHAAAN! at 9:08 AM on February 14 [5 favorites]

the sequel to Beetlejuice

sequel to beetlejuice
sequel to beetlejuice
sequel to beetlejuice

We should be OK now.
posted by DU at 9:09 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

How do you write a sequel to Bettlejuice? Nevermind my New Years resolution is not care about Tim Burton ever again.

Oh man now I want a Poe movie.
posted by The Whelk at 9:10 AM on February 14

This entertains me in an LCD kind of way, but I don't think I could enjoy it because I'd spend the whole movie looking for the Jefferson Twilight cameo.

Harriet Tubman: C.H.U.Railroad

Would see.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:10 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

Lincoln did not have a deep manly voice...
God Damn did that shot of the Washington Monument bother me...
surely somebody would do this research. Apparently not....

Many years ago, while standing in line for The Haunted Mansion (the Disneyland ride, not the Eddie Murphy picture) Parasite Unseen said:

"You know, there are two things about this ride that really bother me. First of all, the ride takes place at night, but there are all these ravens everywhere. And ravens are diurnal! They definitely wouldn't be out like that. Also, it's full of ghosts. And ghosts aren't real."
posted by davidjmcgee at 9:11 AM on February 14 [9 favorites]

This might be a good place to ask if there is a name for the phenomenon (if I can call it that) of people (like reddit users) displaying childish awe at mixtures of things like pirates with bacon swords fighting vampires riding on the back of dinosaurs. It irritates me greatly.
posted by therubettes at 9:11 AM on February 14

> This might be a good place to ask if there is a name for the phenomenon

tweegasm
posted by Burhanistan at 9:13 AM on February 14 [3 favorites]

I await the inevitable Adventures Of Benjamin Franklin and his Electric Airship.
posted by The Whelk at 9:15 AM on February 14 [4 favorites]

LBJ: Asshole
posted by Navelgazer at 9:17 AM on February 14 [7 favorites]

I also quite liked this book. And, no, I don't think this type of thing is going away soon, considering that mashup culture is kinda what the 21st century is about so far. And see Cool Papa Bell's comment re: percieved Washington Monument anachronisms.
/still wondering if it will feature Breckin Meyer as EAP, though
posted by obloquy at 9:17 AM on February 14

I'm sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think the historical record shows that Abraham Lincoln hunted vampires.

Also, it's full of ghosts. And ghosts aren't real.

These are funny but not really fair rebuttals. The premise of the movie is that vampires do exist, so obviously the movie will depict them. The premise of the movie is not "Imagine a world where the Washington Monument was completed...before the early 1860s! Two young lovers struggle to cope in the shadow..." etc. (And if that were the premise, then a valid complaint would be "why are there vampires in this movie?")

Likewise with the haunted house. The entire point of it is imagining that ghosts exist. Ravens are only there for atmosphere, but the atmosphere only works if you are ignorant.
posted by DU at 9:19 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

I don't know if some people actually need this plainly elucidated, but this movie is actually just intentionally silly escapism. It's ok.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:21 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

I await the inevitable Adventures Of Benjamin Franklin and his Electric Airship.

NC-17.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:22 AM on February 14 [4 favorites]

The Erotic Conquests Of Ben F. New on showtime.
posted by The Whelk at 9:23 AM on February 14

You can all feel good about seeing this movie because 20th Century Fox has pumped some real money into, for example, the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum by hosting a party there. That article's all about how it brings different people to learning about Lincoln and that's why the Museum was involved, but in fact I hear the rental fee for the press junket at the Museum was unusually large. (Well, large for the Museum. Doubtless a pittance for Fox.) More.

You are funding historic preservation of Lincoln's legacy when you watch this delightful crap, people!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:32 AM on February 14

The Amazing Screw-On Head

...may be the best comic ever. And I will fight you with a hatchet* if you disagree.

*Offer void where prohibited by law.
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:33 AM on February 14

How do you write a sequel to Bettlejuice?

Beetlegeuse : Tim Burton Hunter
posted by mannequito at 9:34 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

That article's all about how it brings different people to learning about Lincoln

The book is a fun romp through Lincoln's life in that way, too. For one thing, he was renown as being freakishly strong, beating up a town bully and then turning said bully and his pals into his friends. That said, there's certainly some buffing and polishing to this story.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:37 AM on February 14

Oooh.. now do Stalin next..

Adam Roberts' Yellow Blue Tibia is kinda-sorta about Stalin, some down-and-out Soviet science fiction writers, and the menace of UFO aliens, if that counts.
posted by aught at 9:38 AM on February 14

The Erotic Conquests Of Ben F. New on showtime

Franklin: Fightin', Fornicatin', and Inventin' the F*ckin' Post Office!
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:39 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

Copronymus: "I don't usually want to be this guy in a movie that's as goofy as this, but God Damn did that shot of the Washington Monument bother me. When Lincoln was alive, this is what the Washington Monument looked like."

The Washington Monument bothered you but the Lincoln Memorial didn't? Actually, according to the Wikipedia synopsis of the book (overly detailed, as usual), there is an epilogue set in the 1960s. Perhaps that's what the shot is from. Who knows, though.

I don't have a lot of interest in this genre (as an aficionado of zombies and Jane Austen, I have friends who are shocked that still haven't read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies) but I actually kind of dug this trailer. I like that it's so straight-faced about it. The joke's in the title and it seems to stay there.
posted by brundlefly at 9:42 AM on February 14

Andrew Jackson: Buffalo Fucker

A little-known fact is that Jackson was the original writer of the grammatically-correct curio of a sentence:

Buffalo Fucker Buffalo Fucker Buffalo Fucker Buffalo Fucker Buffalo Fucker Buffalo Fucker Buffalo Fucker.
posted by Greg Nog at 9:47 AM on February 14 [8 favorites]

This idea sells? Ima finishing my Charles Guiteau: Half Breed Elf Hunter next week.
posted by octobersurprise at 9:48 AM on February 14

Actually, according to the Wikipedia synopsis of the book (overly detailed, as usual), there is an epilogue set in the 1960s.

They got that wrong too, then - in the 60s, both sides of the Reflecting Pool were lined with WW2-era temporary office buildings put up by the military. They weren't razed until the early 70s.

The highrises visible @ :42 also aren't there, and never have been - it looks like they just reused an altered, contemporary shot from somewhere else.
posted by ryanshepard at 10:04 AM on February 14

The premise of the movie is not "Imagine a world where the Washington Monument was completed...before the early 1860s! Two young lovers struggle to cope in the shadow..." etc.

Internet! Get to work!!

"In a world...

...of shadows..."
posted by odinsdream at 10:14 AM on February 14

Is Nat Turner: White Devil Killer too much? The studios want to appeal to the "urban" demo, right?

The Pitch: Civil War era movie in which all the slaves wake up one day to find that all of the white people have succumbed to a deadly virus that raises the dead.

Frederick Douglass: Escape from Zombie Island.

If I ever get into a room with Spike Lee, he's gonna get an earful of this idea.
posted by billyfleetwood at 10:14 AM on February 14 [3 favorites]

I just want to know what Sarah Vowell thinks of this.

Man, I hope they cast her as the witch lady. God, that would be awesome.
posted by odinsdream at 10:16 AM on February 14

Frederick Douglass: Escape from Zombie Island.

Tim Kreider's idea for a Blaxisplotation/Hickexploitation zombie movie team-up BLACK AND WHITE AND DEAD ALL OVER finally looks like a viable film.
posted by The Whelk at 10:19 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

LBJ: Asshole

LBJ: Bunghole
posted by The Michael The at 10:27 AM on February 14

I am waiting for the time travel movie pitting slave trader against abolitionist:

John Brown vs John Brown: Last Brown Standing!
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:29 AM on February 14

The highrises visible @ :42 also aren't there, and never have been - it looks like they just reused an altered, contemporary shot from somewhere else.

You're referring to the high-rises of Rosslyn? Behind the Lincoln Memorial? Because yeah, those exist, and sprang up in the 1960s.

From Wikipedia:

"In 1964, the Theodore Roosevelt Bridge opened to carry Interstate 66 (I-66) between Washington, D.C., and Rosslyn. Soon afterwards, a development boom in the 1960s began to revitalize Rosslyn with the construction of a large number of high-rise office buildings and hotels in its center and a smaller number of residential buildings on its outskirts."

posted by Navelgazer at 10:31 AM on February 14

They don't tell you in history class that Lincoln's famous address actually opened with "For sure, the severed heads shall roll..."
posted by orme at 10:48 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

I actually started writing Napoloeon: Secret Cowboy Against the Goblins at one point, but ran out of ideas after giving him a psychic horse.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 10:48 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

YES YES YES.

Can the horse know it's fictional and it gets ridiculously meta?

Oh please oh please oh please finish the story. Or make it a collaborative Google Doc or something. It could be the first novel written by a community weblog.
posted by davidjmcgee at 10:51 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

You're referring to the high-rises of Rosslyn? Behind the Lincoln Memorial? Because yeah, those exist, and sprang up in the 1960s.

Well, they exist now, but the Waterview buildings and the State Dept offices (behind and to the left of the Monument @ 0:42) weren't around until the 2000s, and the Gannett buildings (just to the left of the Waterview) were built in the early 80s. There may have been some office buildings in the Courthouse-Clarendon-Ballston corridor, but nothing like what's in the trailer.
posted by zombieflanders at 10:53 AM on February 14

Betsy Ross: Rabid Shoggoth

Maybe that's a big too harsh. Let me try again.

Billy the Kid: Pacifist Mind-flayer

Too obscure.

Gene Autry : Avenging Revenant
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: Psychic Assassin
Lizzie Borden : Undead Prostitute

I'll keep working on it.
posted by newdaddy at 11:09 AM on February 14

There may have been some office buildings in the Courthouse-Clarendon-Ballston corridor, but nothing like what's in the trailer.

They're also further down the Potomac, and would be in the middle distance at the position that the camera is supposed to be placed in the trailer. See, for example, this 2008 photo.

For comparison, here's what Arlington / Rosslyn looked like from roughly the same angle in the early 70s.
posted by ryanshepard at 11:13 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

I have now understood this movie: Hollywood has simply exhausted the 20th century's comic books legacy. We're simply witnessing the turn towards American history.
posted by jeffburdges at 11:15 AM on February 14

Okay, nice comparison photos.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:16 AM on February 14

Steve Jobs : Ice Lich

Yes, upthread, I'm very in favor of a Metafilter attempt at a collaborative novel. Let's do it!
posted by newdaddy at 11:42 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

Hollywood has simply exhausted the 20th century's comic books legacy. We're simply witnessing the turn towards American history.

You know the American Revolution was about vampires escaping the oppression of the werewolves, right? That was Columbus's real mission, to find a safe haven for the coven in Spain.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:45 AM on February 14

It could be the first novel written by a community weblog.

Metafilter Collaborative Novel
posted by odinsdream at 11:52 AM on February 14 [1 favorite]

Just because it wouldn't be first doesn't mean it can't be first.

Wait...
posted by davidjmcgee at 11:56 AM on February 14

The porn parody is going to be awesome!
posted by cazoo at 11:58 AM on February 14 [2 favorites]

I'm considering it by virtue of Timur Bekmambetov's weird and action-oriented adaptation of Lukyanenko's Night Watch. But this movie probably is going to fit into one of Ebert's rants about the use of 3D to up-sell the ticket price on b-movie gimmicks.
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 12:05 PM on February 14

I tried to come up with a title involving Sam Fuller, but everything kept falling short compared to his real life.
posted by brundlefly at 12:20 PM on February 14 [1 favorite]

You know, without having seen the trailer, the concept of this movie actually sounds pretty incredible to me, or at least full of potential to be so. I'm not sure what it is; in general I have always been at least a little annoyed by these sorts of mash-ups, but there's something particular about a figure of Lincoln's stature being a secret vanquisher of the undead that really captures my imagination and makes me very much want it to be true on some level. Especially considering all the social upheaval that he was around for in this country, it just kind of fits somehow.

That said, the trailer makes the movie look like a joke, so...

(also, the Washington Monument thing instantly bothered me as well.)
posted by i. shishkin at 12:29 PM on February 14

Insane 1977 movie sent Bruce Lee to Hell to meet Popeye, Dracula, and James Bond
posted by homunculus at 12:51 PM on February 14 [2 favorites]

Having Abe as the vampire, and John Wilkes Booth as the misunderstood vampire hunter would have been a much better premise methinks...
posted by MikeHoegeman at 1:23 PM on February 14 [3 favorites]

Sir Richard Burton, source hunter.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 2:19 PM on February 14

John Wilkes Booth as the misunderstood vampire hunter

SIC SEMPER VAMPIRUS!
posted by Chekhovian at 3:35 PM on February 14 [1 favorite]

newdaddy: "Steve Jobs : Ice Lich

Yes, upthread, I'm very in favor of a Metafilter attempt at a collaborative novel. Let's do it!"

I'm in. I missed the first one.
posted by Samizdata at 3:38 PM on February 14

Fanfic has gone mainstream?
posted by StrangerInAStrainedLand at 3:50 PM on February 14 [1 favorite]

I kind of enjoyed the part of the book that I read. I thought the premise was fun. But turning him into some kind of axe-twirling frontier ninja kind of kills it for me. I mean I envisioned him as more of a brute-force fisticuffs kind of guy.
posted by Barry B. Palindromer at 4:00 PM on February 14

I'd rather see a Bollywood version, tbh.
posted by empath at 4:05 PM on February 14

I hope that in a nod to realism they have Lincoln fight a duel with broadswords in a pit.
posted by painquale at 4:11 PM on February 14 [4 favorites]

Please note:- Clinton: His Struggle with Dirt has already been made.
posted by the cydonian at 5:04 PM on February 14

kenaldo: The talking was Johnny Cash reading from Revelation, I think.

Johnny Cash: Vampire Hunter would kick about ten kinds of ass.
posted by hangashore at 6:36 PM on February 14 [3 favorites]

The talking was Johnny Cash reading from Revelation, I think.

Yep - from "The Man Comes Around" (already used to great effect in the remake of "Dawn of the Dead".)
posted by ryanshepard at 7:27 PM on February 14

That song worked better at the end of "Generation Kill."
posted by Burhanistan at 7:34 PM on February 14

That was pretty much the perfect ending for that show yes
posted by The Whelk at 8:12 PM on February 14

Andrew Carnegie: Priest-King of the Mole People

hm.
posted by hattifattener at 10:17 PM on February 14

Why are they promoting this film as if it were Underworld? It's a president fighting vampires. For sure, it's one of those genre-bending tongue in cheek action films that's not unaware of the humor.
posted by savvysearch at 10:51 PM on February 14

Grigori Rasputin: Bikram Yoga Instructor

Sir Francis Drake: Itinerant Barista

Miyamoto Musashi: Freelance Graphic Designer
posted by furiousthought at 11:32 PM on February 14 [2 favorites]

Well, at least it looks to have enough orange and teal for modern audiences.
posted by barnacles at 12:41 AM on February 15 [1 favorite]