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“You’re all clear, kid! Now let’s blow this thing and go home!”
February 24, 2012 2:31 AM   Subscribe

Axel Braun has released Star Wars XXX. posted by chavenet (110 comments total) 11 users marked this as a favorite

 
In a few years, maybe they'll release a remastered version where Han "shoots" second, or replace all the penises with walkie-talkies.
posted by Philosopher Dirtbike at 2:49 AM on February 24, 2012


Have we hit Peak Star Wars yet?
posted by dubold at 2:53 AM on February 24, 2012 [4 favorites]


It is my belief that the original Star Wars trilogy makes lousy straight porn, but awesome gay porn.

Chewy is the ultimate bear.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:53 AM on February 24, 2012 [4 favorites]


I've said this before in AskMeFi: these 'porn parodies' are not so much parodies as they are fanfilms with sex in them. With at least some, you can really feel the respect for the source material - the Star Trek TNG one is a proper sequel to an existing episode.

Part of me thought it was kind of sad that people had to add sex in order to make commercially sellable fan-fiction. Another, more cynical part of me simply asked, "...Add?"
posted by BiggerJ at 2:58 AM on February 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


I can't wait to see what new, fun appendages R2-D2 has.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 3:01 AM on February 24, 2012


You know where you are? You're in the Empire, baby! You're gonna diiiie!
posted by Trurl at 3:43 AM on February 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


Have we hit Peak Star Wars yet?

Still waiting for Twin Peaks XXX.

How will they do the backwards scene?
posted by chillmost at 3:43 AM on February 24, 2012


Like Joey Michaels said before Chewy will be the best:)))
They should do Alien versus Predator XXX :))
posted by Stiri economice at 3:48 AM on February 24, 2012


Still waiting for Twin Peaks XXX.

Why?
posted by chavenet at 3:49 AM on February 24, 2012


:)) i hope some film producer will satisfy your wish :))
posted by Stiri economice at 3:51 AM on February 24, 2012


I know this is maybe a stupid question, but I've personally never watched any porn as it was, um, meant to be enjoyed so I think I might be out of the cultural loop. When I see things like this, I'm interested in seeing it because it looks funny, and the sexy times stuff just seems like another level of humour or outright weirdness to the whole parody thing. Are these generally intended to be sexy films, in the way that I guess porn is considered "sexy"? Or is it just extra adult parody, and that's all?

I suppose it doesn't matter, since this is hitting every funny-cheesy-ridiculous-yes button in my brain regardless of cultural intent.
posted by zinful at 3:54 AM on February 24, 2012


Best ,lets say adult parodies, are the sexy parodies not the full xxx .
posted by Stiri economice at 4:00 AM on February 24, 2012


Doing a porn version of Alien would make more sense.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:03 AM on February 24, 2012


"In space, no one can hear you stream."
posted by ZenMasterThis at 4:08 AM on February 24, 2012


I know this is maybe a stupid question, but I've personally never watched any porn as it was, um, meant to be enjoyed so I think I might be out of the cultural loop. When I see things like this, I'm interested in seeing it because it looks funny, and the sexy times stuff just seems like another level of humour or outright weirdness to the whole parody thing. Are these generally intended to be sexy films, in the way that I guess porn is considered "sexy"? Or is it just extra adult parody, and that's all?

Little bit of Column A, little bit of Column B. In this case, probably pushing a little more over into the parody region, since they're expecting to pick up a few curious people who are not so much into porn, but can appreciate the camp/humor value in a Star Wars porn parody. But there's also a base of people who are "into porn" as a genre. It's kind of like professional wrestling, I think; there's some people who consume it at a surface level (and certainly, there's enjoyment to be had there), but there's also people who are interested in it because it's developed its own norms and tropes, and because there's something interesting about something that's clearly staged but pretending to be reality.

(I kind of wonder how much this has to do with the internet and the subsequent wide, cheap and instantaneous availability of every kind of pornographic content; there's something that feels almost quaint about a full-length porn film that pretends at having a storyline and everything.)
posted by kagredon at 4:13 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


I saw this Dr. Loo and the filthy Phaleks a little while back and it always irked me that it didn't quite work.

I mean, you just cannot make a Phallic pun out of the word Dalek. IT'S NOT PRONOUNCED LIKE THAT!

Also, Doctor Who should (apparently) never be abbreviated.

Also Also, the acting was third rate at best. (The sets were a little better than the original show though)
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 4:13 AM on February 24, 2012


dubold: Have we hit Peak Star Wars yet?

Not until Star Wars XXX has been recreated in a series of chopped up, refilmed, and recombined 15-second clips.
posted by kagredon at 4:20 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


I've never been a fan of Axel Braun's tedious, mechanistic and physically awkward fuckscenes. They run on too long and seem mostly an exercise in the longevity of lube more than anything actually sexy. Hell, we've fast-forwarded through the sex scenes to get to the plot in his movies, because the actors are enjoying the chance to actually act in a movie and more often than not are having so much fun they're basically chewing the scenery... and letting it run down their chin.

Anyway, the bar is incredibly high for this material because of Sex Wars, which in addition to having the lovely (and fully pelted) Robin Cannes as "Princess Layme", the smirking Paul Thomas as "Brinker Duo" and a gawky Richard Pacheco as "Mark Starkiller*" ... and a farting R2-D2 ... and has a smoking hot cantina scene which was basically a who's who of the adult film and club scene in the mid 80s. And it even parodies sex movie tropes themselves. Really worth a watch.

So I'll watch Braun's movie, but I don't have high hopes. Especially for pelts.

* Starkiller was the original surname of the Luke character in Star Wars.
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:28 AM on February 24, 2012 [5 favorites]


"You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
posted by ceribus peribus at 4:31 AM on February 24, 2012 [24 favorites]


Size matters not.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:32 AM on February 24, 2012 [3 favorites]


Get in there, you big furry oaf; I don't care what you smell.
posted by Faint of Butt at 4:41 AM on February 24, 2012 [7 favorites]


So I'll watch Braun's movie, but I don't have high hopes. Especially for pelts.

Will somebody get this big walking carpet out of my way?"
posted by ShutterBun at 4:41 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


Gay C3PO!
posted by christhelongtimelurker at 4:58 AM on February 24, 2012


Gay C3PO!

Yes, just like in the original.
posted by SPUTNIK at 5:10 AM on February 24, 2012 [9 favorites]


I thought they smelled bad on the outside!
posted by biscotti at 5:23 AM on February 24, 2012 [4 favorites]


This seems an appropriate place to reference this.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:28 AM on February 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!

Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?

You've got something jammed in here real good.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:31 AM on February 24, 2012 [3 favorites]


Mmm. Take you to him, I will. (laughs) Yes, yes. But now, we must eat come. Good food, come.
posted by COBRA! at 5:32 AM on February 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


What, no complaints that Axel Braun violated your cherished childhood memories?
posted by Harald74 at 5:33 AM on February 24, 2012


I'm curious how this is going to work, considering there's only one female character in the entire original trilogy.
posted by rocket88 at 5:37 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


I've discovered a storyboard for the film.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 5:37 AM on February 24, 2012


it's a trap
posted by nathancaswell at 5:41 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


and I thought they smelled bad... on the outside
posted by nathancaswell at 5:41 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


look at the size of that thing
posted by nathancaswell at 5:43 AM on February 24, 2012


there's an awful lot of moisture in here
posted by nathancaswell at 5:43 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


Inspector.Gadget: "I've discovered a storyboard for the film."

*overrides better judgement and clicks*

Well, serves me right.
posted by vanar sena at 5:44 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


I know this is maybe a stupid question, but I've personally never watched any porn as it was, um, meant to be enjoyed so I think I might be out of the cultural loop.

Could you explain this to me please because I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here.
posted by some loser at 5:44 AM on February 24, 2012


That's not a moon.
posted by Mcable at 5:49 AM on February 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


I predict many will enjoy their very own hand solos.
posted by orme at 5:51 AM on February 24, 2012


I've probably mentioned it before, but my favorite porn parody will always be a text story based on Star Trek:TNG that I read back in the 90s. The captain's name was "Long-Luc Dickhard," which still makes me crack up.
posted by Saxon Kane at 5:54 AM on February 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.
posted by cmyk at 6:03 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


(and fully pelted)

What?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:05 AM on February 24, 2012



What, no complaints that Axel Braun violated your cherished childhood memories?


In my cherished childhood memories dreams, I spent a lot of time violating Princess Leia. Those were formative movies for some of us, whether you were noticing the bouncing beneath the white gown, or the nicely furry Wookie chest.
posted by Forktine at 6:07 AM on February 24, 2012


This still doesn't fix the scene where Leia kisses her brother passionately... OR DOES IT?
posted by Ron Thanagar at 6:09 AM on February 24, 2012


*Han shoots.*

"Sorry about the mess."
posted by cog_nate at 6:14 AM on February 24, 2012 [5 favorites]


Part of me thought it was kind of sad that people had to add sex in order to make commercially sellable fan-fiction.

There are ways to turn a profit on your fanfilm without selling it and getting the franchise holder mad at you, and without sexing it up to try to fall under the porn parody shield. The method used by the makers of Star Trek: Of Gods and Men is my favorite: Get a copy of the DVD as a "Free Gift" when you purchase any Star Trek memorabilia from their online store or convention booth.

Oh, and since this seems to be the thread for this:

“Into the garbage chute, flyboy!”
posted by radwolf76 at 6:25 AM on February 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


In a similar vein (no, not that one!) Kevin Smith's Zack and Miri Make a Porno is about a rag-tag, lovable group of misfits who come (no, not like that!) together to make porn to save their financial asses. Since they're awesome, the first movie they shoot (no, not like that!) is a porn parody of Star Wars.
posted by ElDiabloConQueso at 6:48 AM on February 24, 2012 [3 favorites]


"I have a bad feeling about this."
posted by Stoatfarm at 6:59 AM on February 24, 2012


"Boy, it's lucky you have these compartments."
"I use them for smuggling. I never thought I'd be smuggling myself in them. This is ridiculous."
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:05 AM on February 24, 2012


I'm curious how this is going to work, considering there's only one female character in the entire original trilogy.

There is a traditional workaround for that situation.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:08 AM on February 24, 2012


Greedo shoots first
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 7:12 AM on February 24, 2012


Have we hit Peak Star Wars yet?

Still waiting for Twin Peaks XXX.

How will they do the backwards scene?


Hopefully not the way they did the cat's scene on Red Dwarf.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 7:13 AM on February 24, 2012


Are you trying to tell me there is a Red Dwarf porn parody?
posted by cirrostratus at 7:24 AM on February 24, 2012


Great, kid, don't get cocky.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:24 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


Aren't you a little short for a Stormtrooper?
posted by shecky57 at 7:27 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


The cast of SCTV tried to parody Three's Company but said it basically came out exactly like the real show. Star Wars has become equally as horrible so a parody, I suspect, won't be far off the original source material.
posted by juiceCake at 7:27 AM on February 24, 2012


this little one's not worth the effort :(
posted by nathancaswell at 7:29 AM on February 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


Look, good against remotes is one thing, good against the living, that’s something else.
posted by mazola at 7:29 AM on February 24, 2012


"She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
posted by Demogorgon at 7:30 AM on February 24, 2012


even I get boarded sometimes
posted by nathancaswell at 7:30 AM on February 24, 2012


it came from... behind!
posted by nathancaswell at 7:31 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


put that thing away, you're gonna get us all killed!!
posted by nathancaswell at 7:34 AM on February 24, 2012


Great shot, kid, that was one in a million!
posted by nathancaswell at 7:34 AM on February 24, 2012


impressive... most impressive.
posted by nathancaswell at 7:35 AM on February 24, 2012


Myself, the boy, two droids, and no questions asked.
posted by Demogorgon at 7:37 AM on February 24, 2012 [14 favorites]


"I find your lack of faith pubic hair disturbing."
posted by tommasz at 7:37 AM on February 24, 2012


"I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in pleasure".
posted by Nelson at 7:39 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie.
posted by Demogorgon at 7:40 AM on February 24, 2012


You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.
posted by Jon_Evil at 7:43 AM on February 24, 2012


oh, damnit. i missed it above. sorry.
posted by Jon_Evil at 7:44 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


When I left you, I was but the learner, now I am the master!
posted by mazola at 7:49 AM on February 24, 2012


You'll be required to maneuver straight down this trench, and skim the surface to this point. It's a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port.
posted by ShutterBun at 7:51 AM on February 24, 2012 [10 favorites]


You serve your master well. And you will be rewarded.
posted by nathancaswell at 7:54 AM on February 24, 2012


What an incredible smell you've discovered!
posted by shakespeherian at 7:58 AM on February 24, 2012


There's something moving down here!
posted by nathancaswell at 8:01 AM on February 24, 2012


Vader's giving him to the bounty hunter.
posted by never used baby shoes at 8:01 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Come on Han old buddy, don't let me down! And don't stop blowing me!"
posted by TheRedArmy at 8:02 AM on February 24, 2012


Vader's giving him to the bounty hunter.

"He's no good to me dead."
"He will not be permanently damaged. "
posted by ceribus peribus at 8:05 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


Wow, rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc flashbacks.
posted by the_artificer at 8:07 AM on February 24, 2012


You're a feisty little one, but you'll soon learn some respect.
posted by never used baby shoes at 8:09 AM on February 24, 2012


judge ME by my SIZE, do you?
posted by nathancaswell at 8:11 AM on February 24, 2012


Sir! I've isolated the reverse power-flux coupling!

(trust me, it's even dirtier than it sounds)
posted by ShutterBun at 8:38 AM on February 24, 2012


Thank the maker! This oil bath is going to feel so good.
posted by designbot at 8:44 AM on February 24, 2012


You got a lot of carbon scoring here. It looks like you boys have seen a lot of action.
posted by designbot at 8:45 AM on February 24, 2012


That's how we came to be in your service, if you take my meaning, sir.
posted by designbot at 8:45 AM on February 24, 2012


Well, my little friend, you've got something jammed in here real good.
posted by designbot at 8:46 AM on February 24, 2012


Well, I guess you're too small to run away on me if I take this off! Okay.
posted by designbot at 8:47 AM on February 24, 2012


I'm looking forward to completing your training. In time you will call me Master.
posted by never used baby shoes at 8:47 AM on February 24, 2012


"Did it go in?"

"Negative, negative. It just impacted on the surface."
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:48 AM on February 24, 2012 [4 favorites]


He's got too much of his father in him.

what?
posted by cereselle at 8:53 AM on February 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


I don't see how that R2 unit could have come this far...
posted by mazola at 8:58 AM on February 24, 2012


I always wondered what R2D2 was saying that was so filthy they had to bleep out all of it.
posted by straight at 9:00 AM on February 24, 2012 [10 favorites]


Who says I can't write dialogue?
posted by George Lucas at 9:05 AM on February 24, 2012 [8 favorites]


It's worse! It's right in the script!

----
EXTERIOR: SPACE.

        The Imperial Stardestroyer comes over the surface of the
        planet Tatooine.
----
EXTERIOR: TATOOINE -- LARS HOMESTEAD.

        Luke stumbles around in a daze looking for his aunt and
        uncle. Suddenly he comes upon their smoldering remains. 
----
INTERIOR: MOS EISLEY SPACEPORT -- DOCKING BAY 94

           The tall figure of Han Solo comes down the boarding ramp.
----

Etc., etc., etc. ...
posted by mazola at 9:06 AM on February 24, 2012 [3 favorites]


They missed an opportunity for a Sarlacc Fleshlight or Twi'lek Real Doll tie in. Everybody knows merchandising is where you get the big money.
posted by the_artificer at 9:28 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


So for once the Huffington Post has it right: The puns alone are a reason to do a porn parody of "Star Wars."
posted by chavenet at 9:40 AM on February 24, 2012


I think the best answer to the "how do people 'enjoy' this kind of porn?" was in this classic Onion article.

and for the thread:

"Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash."
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 9:47 AM on February 24, 2012


Doing a porn version of Alien would make more sense.

I believe they already did, it's called the Species franchise.
posted by Fizz at 9:52 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


"This great evil. Where does it come from? How'd it steal into the world? What seed, what root did it grow from? Who's doin' this? Who's killin' us? Robbing us of life and light. Mockin' us with the sight of what we might've known. Does our ruin benefit the earth? Does it help the grass to grow, the sun to shine? Is this darkness in you, too? Have you passed through this night?"


LOL JUST KIDDING GUYS
posted by "Doctor" Terence Malick at 10:38 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn't allow it.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 10:56 AM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


I want her alive.
posted by brain_drain at 11:11 AM on February 24, 2012


How is it that Lucas hasn't used the name "Dick Chibbles" himself yet?
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:20 AM on February 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


Kit Fisto isn't enough for you?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:14 PM on February 24, 2012


Sarlacc Fleshlight

slowly digested over a thousand years, etc
posted by shakespeherian at 12:21 PM on February 24, 2012


What, no complaints that Axel Braun violated your cherished childhood memories?

Lucas already screwed them over enough.
posted by never used baby shoes at 1:16 PM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


These aren't the dongs you're looking for.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 3:52 PM on February 24, 2012


I've got to give a thumbs up on the casting.
posted by HumanComplex at 3:52 PM on February 24, 2012


I can't believe this is real.
posted by Vindaloo at 5:40 PM on February 24, 2012


I am still astounded that a porn director hasn't name themselves Orson Swelles...
posted by juiceCake at 10:02 AM on February 25, 2012


"I have felt him, my master."

"Strange that I have not."
posted by kyrademon at 10:38 AM on February 25, 2012


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