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From the poorly chosen headlines department.
October 10, 2001 2:15 PM   Subscribe

From the poorly chosen headlines department. I guess the Seattle Mariners need a better "reliever." (NYT link, you know the drill...)
posted by machaus (28 comments total)

 
I saw that earlier and thought, "Yup, Colon was strong to the end."
posted by msacheson at 2:19 PM on October 10, 2001


Must have had too much Mexican food?
posted by internal at 2:25 PM on October 10, 2001


So, what, if he just plays half a game, is that a semi-Colon? (rimshot) Thank you, thank you, I'm here all week!
posted by ChrisTN at 2:34 PM on October 10, 2001


Colon...Mariners...hmmm...seem to recall Homer telling John (Waters) that "you guys (homosexuals) made the Navy a floating joke!" Or words to that effect.

Life imitates art.

And ChrisTN: hope your day-job is secure... ;-)
posted by davidmsc at 2:45 PM on October 10, 2001


If you can't take the heat, stay out of the Colon.

Mariners' official reply:
It's not the heat; it's the humidity.

And, finally, when they make Colons illegal, only criminals will have Colons. (I'm not sure about that one).

Remember to tip your servers.
posted by Rubicon1 at 3:22 PM on October 10, 2001


If they rested him for a game, would they be giving Colon a blow?

[i hate myself when i do things like this]
posted by arco at 3:28 PM on October 10, 2001


arco, you beat me to it.

If he was a reliever: "Colon blows the save". Ouch, that hurts even me. I won't be quitting my day job either.
posted by MetalHead at 3:34 PM on October 10, 2001


The weird thing is, the last time he faced the Mariners, they licked him. And did ChrisTN intend the "rimshot" quadruple entendre, or was that just good luck?
posted by Rubicon1 at 3:35 PM on October 10, 2001


Rectum? He threw 12 strikeouts against 'em!
posted by machaus at 3:37 PM on October 10, 2001


Regarding Colon, doesn't the windup hurt?

or

I think there's an operation to help with Colon's windup.


[okay, that was a bit of a stretch...]
posted by arco at 3:46 PM on October 10, 2001


I can't help myself--here's a few more:

I heard he got behind early on, but then worked his way back on top and drove it home.

He spotted each batter two balls before sending anything down the middle, but managed to get twelve of them to whiff.

I have now officially regressed to sixth grade level. While we're here, d'ya ever type the number 55378008 into a calculator and then look at it upside down? I got tons of this stuff.
posted by Rubicon1 at 3:47 PM on October 10, 2001


Last one, I promise.

The thing about Colon is, he's usually pretty solid but every once in a while he's apt to submit to a blowout.
posted by Rubicon1 at 3:48 PM on October 10, 2001


Last one, I promise.

The thing about Colon is, he's usually pretty solid but every once in a while he's apt to submit to a blowout.
posted by Rubicon1 at 3:48 PM on October 10, 2001


Last one, I promise.

The thing about Colon is, he's usually pretty solid but every once in a while he's apt to submit to a blowout.
posted by Rubicon1 at 3:48 PM on October 10, 2001


OK you need a timeout now rubicon
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:51 PM on October 10, 2001


promise?
posted by machaus at 3:52 PM on October 10, 2001


When he throws out his arm: Distended Colon.

And loading a bowl before the game: High Colonic.

And of course what he'll need when he has that career-threatening injury: Exploratory Colon Surgery
posted by Kafkaesque at 3:54 PM on October 10, 2001


Slightly off topic, but I've gotta hear what you think: Shouldn't our Secretary of State's name be pronounced "Coll-in" and not "Cole-in?" That's always bothered me.
posted by davidmsc at 4:08 PM on October 10, 2001


Best part of the headline is you didn't need to log into NYT to see it...
posted by phoenix enflamed at 4:12 PM on October 10, 2001


What if he doesn't make next year's squad? Will the headlines read, "Mariners Cut Colon Loose"?
posted by clevershark at 6:32 PM on October 10, 2001


Either that or "Mariners Dump Colon."
posted by arco at 7:06 PM on October 10, 2001


You people are damn funny.
posted by gleemax at 7:35 PM on October 10, 2001


Colon doesn't play for the Mariners. He's an Indian, Colon he is. FYI
posted by crasspastor at 8:23 PM on October 10, 2001


Maybe "Mariners given Colon-ectomy."
posted by bjgeiger at 8:23 PM on October 10, 2001


crasspastor: I knew that, dammit, and I still didn't catch myself...

Well, how 'bout this:

"Indians' Colon Blows Away Yankees"

I'm assuming a match was involved!
I'm picturing something from the French and Indian War...

[please stop me]
posted by arco at 8:46 PM on October 10, 2001


I've managed to spray Cherry Coke everywhere while laughing, I hope you guys are happy.

When my roommate wonders why his keyboard is sticky, I doubt he'll accept any excuse that involves the word 'colon'.
posted by Jairus at 9:58 PM on October 10, 2001


One more before I go to bed.

First, some background: Pittsburgh has a new ballpark called PNC Park, named after a bank. Therefore:

"Colon Tested at PNC"

(say it out loud, and say the ballpark name slowly)
posted by arco at 10:35 PM on October 10, 2001


"Yankee Swingers Tied In Knots By Colon: Vow Revenge"
posted by houndyboy at 12:52 AM on October 11, 2001


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