Send Me Flowers Today And I Will Cut You

February 24, 2012 5:26 PM

Jenny Johnson, of Twitter fame, now writes a column for Grantland.com. In it, she pontificates on weighty issues, such as gingers, Derek Jeter's dating life, and the reason why she hates Valentine's Day flower deliveries at the office.
posted by reenum (54 comments total)

Can I hate her from a distance? Because I do.
posted by cjorgensen at 5:32 PM on February 24, 2012 [6 favorites]

Regarding the V-Day flowers... glad I'll never work in an office!
posted by ReeMonster at 5:35 PM on February 24, 2012

I really want to wait a couple weeks, then have a full dozen roses with tons of the filler shit requested sent to her office. Have a card that simply reads: ASSHOLE
posted by Blasdelb at 5:39 PM on February 24, 2012 [4 favorites]

My distaste for this state and the people that inhabit it grows every day.
posted by narcoleptic at 5:40 PM on February 24, 2012

Man, she's so edgy. Using your "celebrity" to pick on your kid's friends for looking different is totally awesome. That'll teach that stupid stepdaughter for expecting her stepmom to act like an adult around company. Yeah.
posted by purplecrackers at 5:42 PM on February 24, 2012 [5 favorites]

Tangent, but anyone else reading this on an Android? I literally can't read these: I start scrolling down on the page and then it snaps back up automatically to the top, even after closing the browser and reopening.
posted by hincandenza at 5:45 PM on February 24, 2012

I like her brand of snark.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:46 PM on February 24, 2012

...full dozen roses with tons of the filler shit requested sent to her office.

Hell yeah! I would chip in for that. Not joking. That would be awesome. Let's do it!
posted by ReeMonster at 5:47 PM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Stuck on a blackberry torch here - couldn't resize even though it rendered larger than the screen, and I couldn't scroll sideways. Maybe it was the DevilGinger rendering her evil.
posted by mbatch at 5:48 PM on February 24, 2012

Grammatically, what's the feminine form of "bro"?
posted by benito.strauss at 5:48 PM on February 24, 2012 [4 favorites]

Last year I had a coworker get flowers at lunch; her husband may as well have shit in a box and mailed it to her.

Funny you should say that...
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:50 PM on February 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

Twitter fame

Which, from my casual observation, seems to be the cheapest fame in the world.
posted by jonmc at 5:53 PM on February 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

I bet she thinks my favorite band sucks too.
posted by demiurge at 5:56 PM on February 24, 2012

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife's pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

and

I just had an epic meltdown at work. It's not an office pizza party if vegetables are on the pizza. Fuck this place.

Dozens of times per day? And she's kind of a big deal?

I'm not asking to be all "what I don't even" but more because my use of Twitter is generally constrained to following people I actually know and locking "developers who write software I like" or "sites I don't want in Google Reader" into lists. So coming across her Twitter stream and seeing this post with mention of her being "famous" puts me in touch with something I didn't know was a thing, which appears to micro-standup or something? And there are probably lots of people like this?
posted by mph at 5:59 PM on February 24, 2012

is this how I know I'm an old man at 31? is this where the culture has left me in the dust? Because it seems to me her twitter feed is a bunch of random observations punched up with expletives...
posted by slapshot57 at 5:59 PM on February 24, 2012 [6 favorites]

Mefi Haiku:

Liked Jenny's twitter.
These comments made me think twice.
Better Fav this, bro.
posted by acyeager at 6:02 PM on February 24, 2012

Man, she's so edgy. Using your "celebrity" to pick on your kid's friends for looking different is totally awesome. That'll teach that stupid stepdaughter for expecting her stepmom to act like an adult around company. Yeah.

Ooh, I wonder if she sits around and masturbates to MIA's Born Free video. So edgy, I just cut myself.
posted by narcoleptic at 6:03 PM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

I really want to wait a couple weeks, then have a full dozen roses with tons of the filler shit requested sent to her office.

First of all, leave out the roses. Just make it a box of baby's breath. With a rubber poo in the center (sending real poo would be better, sure, but she's not worth the jail time). Finally, have it delivered by a red-head.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:04 PM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Holy cow, that "ginger" link is really nasty. I don't like this woman.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 6:05 PM on February 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

One twitter rule that has yet to fail me is: People that link to their favstar.fm profile usually aren't worth the paper their tweets are printed on.
posted by cjorgensen at 6:06 PM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

If you can afford an extra 6.99 I would be happy to wire those roses from my store. ;-)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:13 PM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Shit Sandwich.

To be fair, she's right - she's definitely an asshole.
posted by dbiedny at 6:23 PM on February 24, 2012

Holy shit, tough crowd. I think she's hilarious.
posted by peep at 6:26 PM on February 24, 2012 [4 favorites]

I used to think Derek Jeter was the guy who wrote the sequel to Blade Runner, then I found out he was a baseball player and felt dumb. I should have known no one would be talking about that book.
posted by cjorgensen at 6:36 PM on February 24, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'm in the 'too edgy for me' crowd, definitely.
posted by newdaddy at 6:39 PM on February 24, 2012

Yeah, she scathingly shit on her kid's friend in a very public forum. A kid. Nice work, asshole.

Unless she's just making it up. Which, given this is the internet, she probably is. Then I don't care.

I think I don't care.
posted by xmutex at 6:43 PM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Jesus Hapsburg Christ, people. Do you really think that that "ginger" stream is totally serious, and not making fun of people who are genuinely afraid of gingers? As a lapsed Catholic, I am 100% amused and not even remotely offended by:

Happy Pretend Your Co-Workers Don't Look Creepy When They Come Back From Lunch With Black Shit Smeared Across Their Foreheads Day!!!!

and

A hilarious thing to ask hungover Catholic people with ash on their foreheads tomorrow is, "Aww.. Did Jesus put his cigarette out on you?"

not to mention

Fat Tuesday is a holy day for people to drink until they puke and shit their pants, then act like they're better than you until Easter.

Maybe I'll change my mind if she decides to make fun of Trekkies. Or maybe not.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:06 PM on February 24, 2012 [4 favorites]

Finally someone less deserving of acclaim than Kelly Oxford!
posted by drjimmy11 at 7:08 PM on February 24, 2012

Well I didn't get the Valentine's thing. It's like she conjured a bunch of romantic movie incidental character stereotypes from the 80s and I'm supposed to believe she has one of each in her office? Does she work on the set of a soap opera?

Either that or I have been extremely fortunate in my experience of officemates. I know offices can be festering hell holes but this just seems cartoony.
posted by Glinn at 7:17 PM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

WTF is wrong with this person?
posted by clvrmnky at 7:20 PM on February 24, 2012

It's not that I don't get that she's not actually serious about the ginger thing. I just don't find that kind of vicious humour to be funny. Not my thing.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:41 PM on February 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

I thought Grantland was supposed to be about sports.
posted by weinbot at 7:44 PM on February 24, 2012

Grammatically, what's the feminine form of "bro"?

Brosephine.
posted by Rangeboy at 7:47 PM on February 24, 2012 [5 favorites]

Grammatically, what's the feminine form of "bro"?

h...nevermind.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 8:11 PM on February 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

Tangent, but anyone else reading this on an Android? I literally can't read these: I start scrolling down on the page and then it snaps back up automatically to the top, even after closing the browser and reopening.

Given how awful Grantland is for the most part (these examples in particular), I think you've found a feature and not a bug.
posted by ndfine at 8:35 PM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

I Googled her for 20 minutes (I tried "Binging" but my computer just sighed and told me I'd thank it later), and I learned nothing about who she is. I did confirm she hates Chris Brown so hard birds can see it in ultraviolet. If she were the third Mario sibling and he were Bowser, she'd be heartbroken to learn she could only kill him eight times.

(Cracked.com link)
posted by running order squabble fest at 8:59 PM on February 24, 2012

Halloween Jack, I do not think she's serious. Unfortunately, I also don't think she's funny. And I know a thing or two about not being funny.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:08 PM on February 24, 2012

Grammatically, what's the feminine form of "bro"?

"Bra".
posted by madcaptenor at 10:40 PM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Bra".

And of course, the masculine form of "bra" is "manzier".
posted by furiousxgeorge at 10:45 PM on February 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

You know who else wasn't serious about the ginger thing? Parker & Stone. We can see where that ended up.

.....
posted by adamdschneider at 11:25 PM on February 24, 2012

.....
posted by adamdschneider at 11:26 PM on February 24, 2012

...something I didn't know was a thing, which appears to micro-standup or something? And there are probably lots of people like this?

Yes! And some of them are really excellent! For example, if you want to see "'edgy' Twitter micro-standup" done properly, allow me to present Fireland. prev
posted by en forme de poire at 12:34 AM on February 25, 2012

First of all, leave out the roses. Just make it a box of baby's breath. With a rubber poo in the center (sending real poo would be better, sure, but she's not worth the jail time). Finally, have it delivered by a red-head.

This depends on her genuinely holding the opinions she espouses, and I doubt that's true.

And satire or not, the anti-ginger thing is way old, hugely unoriginal, has real-world consequences and needs to die.
posted by Summer at 1:31 AM on February 25, 2012 [5 favorites]

How come nobody here is calling out all those recipes that go on about how grating a knob of ginger is?
posted by srboisvert at 2:19 AM on February 25, 2012 [2 favorites]

I really hope that this is some kind of bizarre Andy Kaufmanesque mockery of how Twitter rewards people being hyperbolic assholes. Or how people have no way of distinguishing between someone who is cleverly edgy and someone who's just being misanthropic and sensationalistic.

I really doubt that this is the case.
posted by graphnerd at 7:32 AM on February 25, 2012 [3 favorites]

Why are we supposed to hate gingers again?
posted by madcaptenor at 8:07 AM on February 25, 2012

What’s wrong with you people? The shit is funny most especially if you don't think it's funny. What part of Devil ginger is staying for dinner, I guess I'll have to sacrifice a baby goat don’t you get?

Admittedly, not all her lines are so rarefied.
posted by mistersquid at 9:12 AM on February 25, 2012

Why are we supposed to hate gingers again?

Yeah, this fascinates me. I'd never heard of it growing up. In fact, calling redheads "gingers" was new to me. I'd run across it as a name in British books (Algy and Ginger), though I didn't realize it referred to redheads at first.

Then they started using it in South Park, both as a name for redheads, and as something to be ridiculed and detested. Since then it's spread. I'm willing to bet that it sprouted from there.

This also confirms my theory that Matt and Trey are very smart and funny (loved their movies), but they are cruel bastard assholes, and have provided lots of cover and ammo for cruel bastard assholes who aren't as smart and funny as they are.
posted by benito.strauss at 12:23 PM on February 25, 2012

And you'd be wrong, benito.strauss, as the ginger thing is incredibly common in UK and Australian culture and has been forever. One of my best friends is a ranger (for orangutan) and will answer to the nationwide nickname for redheads, Blue.
posted by Wantok at 1:27 PM on February 25, 2012

Sorry, Wantok, I didn't make it clear that I live in the U.S. (and grew up on the west coast). If it was common in Britain it kinda makes sense that it would exist in the more commonwealth-y countries too. But I'm wondering if anyone in the U.S. heard it before, say, the year 2000.
posted by benito.strauss at 3:15 PM on February 25, 2012

What’s wrong with you people? The shit is funny most especially if you don't think it's funny. What part of Devil ginger is staying for dinner, I guess I'll have to sacrifice a baby goat don’t you get?

If you live in the UK, the home of anti-ginger prejudice, you'll have heard this kind of line time and time and time again.
posted by Summer at 1:55 AM on February 26, 2012

Anyway, if you want truly funny "ironic" ginger humour, try Catherine Tate.
posted by MartinWisse at 3:20 AM on February 26, 2012

If you live in the UK, the home of anti-ginger prejudice, you'll have heard this kind of line time and time and time again.

That can't be good for the goat population.
posted by Spatch at 8:56 AM on February 26, 2012

"Anyway, if you want truly funny "ironic" ginger humour, try Catherine Tate."

If it was a think that was kept among sane adults it would be pretty funny, but we really don't need to be enabling the horrific kind of shittiness that kids do to each other
posted by Blasdelb at 10:28 AM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]