Can I Give It -9999 Stars Instead?

March 2, 2012 5:28 AM

The worst book that will ever exist in the history of all books! A collection of the internet's worst reviewers.
posted by kanata (68 comments total)

Can someone knock me up a graphic - relationship between stupidity and tendency to rant in caps and with bad spelling?

Thanks.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 5:36 AM on March 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

Excellent!

I especially like the guy who complains that women only listen to rap because black guys have large penises, and that rap is degrading to women and they should instead listen to music like Led Zep (who of course weren't sexist at all).

(Though I do wonder if all of these are 100% genuine...)
posted by Infinite Jest at 5:39 AM on March 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

Those are great. I also wonder if they're real. Even if they're fake they are still very funny.
posted by jayder at 5:41 AM on March 2, 2012

"I wish I had never fished this book out of the garbage."
posted by aught at 5:41 AM on March 2, 2012 [8 favorites]

Your favorite _____ sucks and it will make your kids gay.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 5:43 AM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm willing to bet that a scary big percentage of these are real, based on the number of obviously real reviews I've seen that were only slightly less batshit insane than these.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 5:47 AM on March 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

Simply bad beyond all infinite dimensions of possible badness.

...Well, maybe not that bad, but lord, it wasn't good.
posted by delfin at 5:48 AM on March 2, 2012 [4 favorites]

"I wish I had never fished this book out of the garbage."

It's a shame they were avoiding the expense of Google searches, or they would have found that the last of the Archies is still standing.
posted by titus-g at 5:52 AM on March 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

"Legos don't play a critical part in this book"

Any Mefites willing to stand up and say that this is an unhelpful review?
posted by ShutterBun at 5:54 AM on March 2, 2012 [8 favorites]

I suspect that the guy who used a vibrator for his aches and pains and the librarians who had problems with the 1995 Librarians' Guide to Dialup were joking. Leastwise, I hope they were.
posted by Infinite Jest at 5:54 AM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Humanity be damned, but some of these are priceless.

"If you like looking at hairy bush, then this is the deck (of cards) for you."

Metafilter: It was hot in 1998 but not now
posted by ShutterBun at 6:01 AM on March 2, 2012

These bad reviews were for the most part really pretty bad. Props for thoroughness.
posted by From Bklyn at 6:02 AM on March 2, 2012

[is very afraid to click on the link lest she find her own book review blog mentioned]
posted by orange swan at 6:04 AM on March 2, 2012

I actually prefer the fake reviews to those born of abject stupidity/ignorance.

The latter make me nervous when out, some of those people might be driving cars or operating heavy machinery....
posted by titus-g at 6:06 AM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: CERTAINLY NOT WHAT ANY CHILD SHOULD BE READING!

Metafilter: rampant deviancy that is running wild in the rest of the country

Matefilter: a lable word that actually conveys little except contempt.

They... write... themselves! Must... stop!
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:08 AM on March 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

★☆☆☆☆ Too much negativity. Why can't bad reviews be about good thing? I would rate this half a star for okay language but that star isn't working for me.
posted by ardgedee at 6:12 AM on March 2, 2012 [4 favorites]

is very afraid to click on the link lest she find her own book review blog mentioned.

What she said.
posted by MartinWisse at 6:18 AM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

is very afraid to click on the link lest she find her own book review blog mentioned.

The reviews are from Amazon.
posted by titus-g at 6:22 AM on March 2, 2012

ed: mostly from amazon, also yelp + netflix, and presumably some others deeper in.
posted by titus-g at 6:23 AM on March 2, 2012

More proof that people should pass some kind of test before procreating. In fact, I think this should be the test: have them review a classic children's book and, if they are too stupid to grasp the large-print subtext and hide this fact by inventing an issue to take with some trivial detail, we neuter them and send them to Hollywood to write for shows like 24 and Dexter. Hey, in my totalitarian dystopia there's room for everybody.
posted by Mooseli at 6:29 AM on March 2, 2012 [3 favorites]

It truly is amazing what some people can be offended by.
posted by backseatpilot at 6:32 AM on March 2, 2012

I'm just shocked to learn that W.I.C.A. is an acronym. Maybe if I buy that scooby doo movie they'll tell me what it stands for.
posted by ook at 6:33 AM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

More proof that people should pass some kind of test before procreating.

THIS "BLOG" NEEDS TO BE SHUT DOWN IF YOU ASK ME
posted by swift at 6:33 AM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

I love reading the reviews on Librarything. There's a one-star review of Moby Dick, which reads, in its entirety, "Too much information about the whales!"
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:34 AM on March 2, 2012 [7 favorites]

we neuter them and send them to Hollywood to write for shows like 24 and Dexter

Wait, I thought that was the status quo! If we're not doing that, who's really writing shows like 24 and Dexter?
posted by localroger at 6:35 AM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Too much information about the whales!

If I was inclined to write a review of Moby Dick that would be a good summary.
posted by localroger at 6:35 AM on March 2, 2012 [4 favorites]

Oh man I am now picturing a giant landfill full of tech equipment and a camera slowly zooming in on an old 14.4 modem branded...

ROSEBAUD
posted by griphus at 6:36 AM on March 2, 2012 [10 favorites]

If I was inclined to write a review of Moby Dick that would be a good summary.

I have tended to use it as a signature on message boards ever since.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:37 AM on March 2, 2012

If I was inclined to write a review of Moby Dick that would be a good summary.

“This book gives me more information about penguins than I care to have.”
posted by griphus at 6:38 AM on March 2, 2012 [6 favorites]

English Literature majors read a book like this. New York Times Editors read a book like this.

Imagine spotlight on brick wall in New York night club circa 1987
posted by Fizz at 6:39 AM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

review of Moby Dick, which reads, in its entirety, "Too much information about the whales!"

Quoted for SO MUCH(and yet still not enough) TRUTH. Shut up about whales, already, dood!
posted by ShutterBun at 6:42 AM on March 2, 2012

THEIRS PEOPL ON THE INTERNET THAT ARE RALLY DUM!! BEWEARE!!
posted by double block and bleed at 6:50 AM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Now you tell us!
posted by ShutterBun at 7:04 AM on March 2, 2012

Metafilter: in my totalitarian dystopia there's room for everybody.
posted by tspae at 7:08 AM on March 2, 2012 [7 favorites]

Ouija Board - Pink.

Funnier than the actual review.
posted by New England Cultist at 7:09 AM on March 2, 2012

I used this product to dye my hair Brown, but it turned my entire scalp and face brown. I now look like a freak! Be warned that this product will dye skin as well as hair.

Edit: this is NOT a joke!
posted by rory at 7:12 AM on March 2, 2012

Any Mefites willing to stand up and say that this is an unhelpful review?

*ahem*
posted by hellojed at 7:12 AM on March 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

Any Mefites willing to stand up and say that this is an unhelpful review?

The weird thing is Lego does play a hugely critical part in Microserfs. I'm totally baffled by that guy's criticisms.
posted by minifigs at 7:16 AM on March 2, 2012

I actually prefer the fake reviews to those born of abject stupidity/ignorance.

My favorite Amazon reviewer is General JC Christian.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:19 AM on March 2, 2012 [3 favorites]

The weird thing is Lego does play a hugely critical part in Microserfs. I'm totally baffled by that guy's criticisms.

"I looked through the book and it was not entertaining at all."
posted by smitt at 7:19 AM on March 2, 2012

My favorite Amazon reviewer is General JC Christian.

Those reviews are so good. E.g.:

"Core of Conviction" is also a love story. It tells the tale of how Rep. Bachmann met her soulmate, Marcus, and how the consummation of that love led to one of her most important pieces of legislation: the "Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act of 2008."

posted by kiltedtaco at 7:32 AM on March 2, 2012 [3 favorites]

I thought this was going to be a post about The Worst Book I Ever Read
posted by vitabellosi at 7:58 AM on March 2, 2012

That Loveless review is kind of actually the majority view, which is why the album's still a work of art after 20-odd years.
posted by blucevalo at 8:20 AM on March 2, 2012

The weird thing is Lego does play a hugely critical part in Microserfs. I'm totally baffled by that guy's criticisms.

And yet I want to give him a pass for correctly assessing the book's quality without having to wade through the cardboard characters, inhuman dialogue, and affectless everything.
posted by psoas at 8:42 AM on March 2, 2012

That Loveless review is kind of actually the majority view,

Yeah, there's weirdly twisted glimmers of truth in a lot of this stuff. Like the Citizen Kane review (ROSEBAUD linked above) where it is noted that

"... Charles Foster Kane does not know how to love, infact he gets married twice and does not love his wife he just wants somebody to love him."

I mean, that is the emotional heart of the film. The reviewer just happens to be very confused by the rest of it.

And the Tucker + Dale vs Evil review is actually quite favorable, and memorably worded. (ie: Not recommended for pregnant women sitting on good furniture)
posted by philip-random at 8:53 AM on March 2, 2012

From a review of The Last Temptation of Christ:

How could you say this movie is an all time film knowing hollywood is completley blasphemphy the whole Religion.

It's brilliant; it reads like some unholy combination of Markov chain, outrage and accidental mangling of/reference to a totally unrelated meme.
posted by Len at 8:53 AM on March 2, 2012 [3 favorites]

METAFILTER: like some unholy combination of Markov chain, outrage and accidental mangling of/reference to a totally unrelated meme.

Meanwhile, a Fear + Loathing in Las Vegas review warns us, "IF YOU DON'T COLLECT CAMERON DIAZ MOVIES, DON'T BUY THIS, IT'S A COMPLETE LOSS OF MONEY"
posted by philip-random at 9:02 AM on March 2, 2012

I accidentally the water into wine.
posted by griphus at 9:06 AM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

SACRILEGE ALL THE THINGS!
posted by Len at 9:12 AM on March 2, 2012

This is all wrong.

People should read John Gardner and listen to Dire Straits.

Anyhow, they bought that crap, so let them suffer in silence instead of whining about it.

Please excuse me, but I can't figure out where the rails are on this thread. Is it about that guy who types in all caps? I liked the way he stretch out P L E A S E . THAT WAS...sorry. That was very clever.
posted by mule98J at 9:38 AM on March 2, 2012

I used this product to dye my hair Brown, but it turned my entire scalp and face brown. I now look like a freak! Be warned that this product will dye skin as well as hair.

Edit: this is NOT a joke!

There are three things that make this my favorite:

1. It's RIT dye.

2. He still gave it 3 stars.

3. I assume he just dunked his whole head in a bucket.
posted by cmoj at 9:39 AM on March 2, 2012

What does rosebaud mean?

It's regrets per second.
posted by eugenen at 9:46 AM on March 2, 2012 [16 favorites]

From a review of The Last Temptation of Christ:

How could you say this movie is an all time film knowing hollywood is completley blasphemphy the whole Religion.

It's brilliant; it reads like some unholy combination of Markov chain, outrage and accidental mangling of/reference to a totally unrelated meme.

"This movie is an all time film" sounds like something Ray Smuckles would say and is therefore awesome.
posted by mcmile at 9:52 AM on March 2, 2012 [3 favorites]

"What about Henry Winkler? Does Henry Winkler believe we went to the moon?"

Man, if it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 10:06 AM on March 2, 2012

It may not have been the worst book evar written, but I quit reading at this:

One last thing, that might have announced itself as such, the finality was so unequivocal. Something beneath the descending tank, at which from way above though already deep in pitch tiny Billy-ness.

I hadn't a clue, in or out of context.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:20 AM on March 2, 2012

Reviews I hate reading on Amazon.com :

1) "Product review" reviews. This shit gets on my nerves. They're trying to tell you why you should or shouldn't read the book. I guess this is the most useless when it comes to fiction. The worst are the reviews where they recount like the whole plot of the book. Who actually wants to read that? Book reviews should be opinons, not descriptions. Tell me why it's a good or bad book. If I want to know the plot, I'll just read it myself! I pretty much only read Amazon reviews after I've read the book, to get others' impressions and see how they agree/disagree with my own. So when I get to a "product review" I just groan and skip it. Really, this just speaks to the lack of a good site for discussing books and collecting opinions about books. I really wish that existed -- and had a userbase the size of Amazon -- because nobody I know reads the books I read.

2) Negative reviews where they complain about the length of the book. This just drives me up a wall. I always imagine it in a whiny 12-year-old voice. "Mommmmmy! It's tooooo lonnnnnnng!" I mean, fucking seriously. Click on "book details". Look at the page count. If you can't handle a book that's over 500 pages, THEN DON'T FUCKING READ IT. It's like Yelp reviews where they complain that the restaurant is too expensive. IT HAS 4 DOLLAR SIGNS IN THE DESCRIPTION, THAT MEANS IT'S EXPENSIVE!!!
posted by Afroblanco at 10:23 AM on March 2, 2012

They're (not) trying to tell you why you should or shouldn't read the book
posted by Afroblanco at 10:24 AM on March 2, 2012

57 comments and nobody has written this yet?

WORST. BLOG. EVER.

57 comments and nothin's on
posted by evilmidnightbomberwhatbombsatmidnight at 10:46 AM on March 2, 2012

I disliked the message since it portrays a very vulnerable girl as an accomplished fighter who triumphed regardless of the odds just by using her mind.

Well that IS terrible.
posted by Glinn at 11:18 AM on March 2, 2012 [3 favorites]

I am enjoying the high state of dudgeon every one of these reviewers has worked themself up into. Poor Walter of farting dog fame.

Kirth Gerson: Thank you for the intro to General JC Christian, this is brilliant.
posted by pymsical at 11:40 AM on March 2, 2012

What does rosebaud mean?

It's an ASCII rendering of goatse.
posted by yellowcandy at 11:53 AM on March 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

Once again, these reviewers have proven that any sentence beginning "I'm not racist" is guaranfuckingteed to contain some jaw-droppingly racist garbage.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:51 PM on March 2, 2012

This is great, now my hobby of scanning for ridiculous reviews has been made easy. I don’t know yet if it contains one of my all time favorites (which I can’t seem to find); a guy who complained the Robin Williams movie "RV" did not accurately represent the RV’er lifestyle, was insulting to RV’ers and anyone looking for RV information should look elsewhere.

The worst are the reviews where they recount like the whole plot of the book. Who actually wants to read that?

A synopsis is not a review. There was a woman, a professional (Orange County Register?), who used to be one of the panel of the movie review show on KPCC’s "Airtalk". She would literally run through the entire movie scene by scene, telling the whole thing, and then barely give any opinion on it, every week. It made me scream. I don’t know how she kept her job.
posted by bongo_x at 2:01 PM on March 2, 2012

pymsical, the general also has a website: Jesus' General. It's good, too.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 2:47 PM on March 2, 2012

She would literally run through the entire movie scene by scene, telling the whole thing,

Have you ever had friends who would do this, even before you saw the movie? Ex-friends I mean.
posted by telstar at 4:07 PM on March 2, 2012

The mountain tee shirt reviews are really funny.
posted by JujuB at 10:16 PM on March 2, 2012

Mountain 3 wolf tee shirt reviews are a novel in themselves.
posted by JujuB at 10:19 PM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

It really gets to me that the person who said Dr Strangelove was as funny as rape still gave it two stars. Rape is a two star activity to them.
posted by marmaduke_yaverland at 12:06 AM on March 3, 2012