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March 15, 2012 5:31 AM   Subscribe

Another day, another story of a Goldman Sachs employee quitting. This one, though, isn't filing any op-eds - rather, he's starting up his own custom condom business, TheyFit, which offers 95 different sizes. Warning: puns ahead.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates (37 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite

 
There was another business that did this that I can't find the link for now. They don't exist anymore.
posted by ZaneJ. at 5:36 AM on March 15, 2012


Interesting that the measurements aren't just inches or centimeters, but alpha and numeric codes.
posted by Houstonian at 5:47 AM on March 15, 2012


I can't watch the video, so I tried reading the transcript.
And it scoring record of vocal when told me that article from working for a bunch of ropes to -- with a bunch of picks -- -- what Taylor's here on London's double rather have nine for generations.
I think something's been lost in the translation, as they say.
posted by jepler at 5:49 AM on March 15, 2012 [2 favorites]


Giving choke job satisfaction.
jepler is snickering some more at the transcript
posted by jepler at 5:50 AM on March 15, 2012


The gimmick seems to be that the letters and numbers are arranged in random order (PDF size-finder): increasing length goes JALIEBSMONDZUG, so it's not immediately obvious whether you're large or small from a particular letter.

Seems a bit confusing, but it might be popular.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 5:54 AM on March 15, 2012 [3 favorites]


If you can't wrap it, bag it.
posted by tommasz at 5:54 AM on March 15, 2012


Hey, if all you know is fucking people, you might as well parlay that into a business opportunity.
posted by indubitable at 5:55 AM on March 15, 2012 [18 favorites]


And it scoring record of vocal when told me that article from working for a bunch of ropes to -- with a bunch of picks -- -- what Taylor's here on London's double rather have nine for generations.

An ex-client, quite a vocal one, told me that I'd gone from working for a bunch of knobs to working with a bunch of dicks.

Joe noticed what tailors here on London's Savile Row have known for generations...
posted by jon1270 at 5:56 AM on March 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


They Fit
posted by jeffburdges at 6:03 AM on March 15, 2012


Condoms only come in 3 sizes: Large, Extra Large and Enormous.
posted by jonmc at 6:16 AM on March 15, 2012 [2 favorites]


Makes me wonder if their scale includes extra-small sizes that they don't intend to sell, but exist solely for marketing purposes.

Because who wants to buy the petite size?
posted by graphnerd at 6:29 AM on March 15, 2012


Your custom size as determined by the FitKit is a suggested size. A proper fit is both comfortable and held snugly in position.

Printing tip: Make sure your printer is not scaling the printout.


I confess to giggling at this.
posted by chavenet at 6:32 AM on March 15, 2012 [2 favorites]


at this rate, we can use "JALIEBSMONDZUG" as an expletive...
posted by oonh at 6:33 AM on March 15, 2012 [3 favorites]


Great Jalieb's Mondzug!
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:41 AM on March 15, 2012 [3 favorites]


TheyFit is a good name, but I think "Gold Man-Sacks" is just as stellar.
posted by phirleh at 7:14 AM on March 15, 2012 [18 favorites]


What a slut.
posted by notmydesk at 7:19 AM on March 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


My increasing length makes all the ladies go JALIEBSMONDZUG
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 7:27 AM on March 15, 2012 [4 favorites]


The funniest part about condoms is that they go on wieners.

Wieners, you guys!
posted by shakespeherian at 7:29 AM on March 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Too Big To Veil"
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 7:44 AM on March 15, 2012 [7 favorites]


Yes, but what everybody wants to know is what sizes the pricks at Goldman Sachs wear.
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:59 AM on March 15, 2012


Custom sizes is a great idea. Now I won't have to use weather balloons.
posted by orme at 9:00 AM on March 15, 2012


Huh, that's odd. Condomania had a custom-sized line in the U.S. called TheyFit starting in 2004. Now they're apparently called Coripa. I have to say, I'm not sure I would have gone with a brand name for something sex-related with the phonemes "ripa" in it for at least two reasons.
posted by jocelmeow at 9:35 AM on March 15, 2012


Quitting Goldman to sell condoms? That's a stretch. Although I'm sure it'd be quite a load off.
posted by Twang at 9:42 AM on March 15, 2012


The whole condom-size thing must be incredibly irritating for marketers. I mean, male anxiety about dick size is just the perfect marketing target in so many ways--obviously men would flock like lemmings to any product that implied to the world around them that they were hung like a horse. And surely condoms are the perfect product to leverage that anxiety into buckets o' cash.

The problem, though, comes in the implementation. Men don't wear their "Jumbo Extra-Large OMG what a Schlong He Has!" condoms dangling out of their pockets or strapped to the roofrack of their car or anything. The only person you can "impress" with your purchase is the check-out clerk at the store where you buy it (who is as likely as not to give you a "really? You? look) and the person who is going to see the real thing at about the same time as they see the "OMG You Won't Believe the Size of this Thing" condom you bought for it--a proximity which is only going to shoot your performance anxiety through the roof if it's false advertising.

So apart from insecure teenagers who are buying that one condom that will sit in their wallets for the whole of high school, where's your market? After all, a normal condom will fit happily enough over a closed fist--there's no actual need for the products at all. So no, I would not buy stock in "They Fit."

Hey...I didn't make a single penis joke in that whole thing. What a fine, upstanding member of the Metafilter community I am.
posted by yoink at 9:50 AM on March 15, 2012 [2 favorites]


Next up, custom condoms for women.

Introducing, Miss Fit.

Wait...
posted by chavenet at 9:51 AM on March 15, 2012 [2 favorites]


They should just call the smallest size "Goldman Sachs Employee".
posted by w0mbat at 10:05 AM on March 15, 2012


They should just call the smallest size "Goldman Sachs Employee".

Wouldn't that be for the biggest pricks, not the smallest?
posted by chavenet at 10:12 AM on March 15, 2012 [2 favorites]


Not to get too serious, but I kind of like this idea. I used to teach safer sex techniques as a health educator and there were definitely complaints from men that regular condoms didn't fit all shapes and sizes. Since the sizes are randomized and removable it would not really give bragging rights or sobbing worry to the wearer.
posted by Isadorady at 10:51 AM on March 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


Yeah condomania did this like 10 years ago. I think I might have even read about it on Metafilter. I still have their "measuring tool" which they mailed to me; it was just a laser printed ruler, but I sure as hell wasn't going to print that at work.

I never ended up getting any, because my girlfriend at the time just pointed me towards a different brand that was a much better fit. Having a condom that fits is like putting on a custom tailored shirt when you've been wearing off the rack your whole life...
posted by danny the boy at 11:35 AM on March 15, 2012


I still have their "measuring tool"

Nice of them to send you one. I was born with mine.
posted by yoink at 12:46 PM on March 15, 2012


> After all, a normal condom will fit happily enough over a closed fist--there's no actual need for the products at all. So no, I would not buy stock in "They Fit."

Sorry, just because it fits over a fist doesn't mean the fist is comfortable.

I ordered the custom condoms from condomania back when they were announced because finding ones that fit and were comfortable and worked for me was a difficult and trying process. The custom fit ones worked much better and were much more enjoyable to wear during sex. The condoms I had been buying before just didn't fit right, and as a result, weren't any fun to wear. Which became frustrating for myself and my partner who thought it was something she was doing.

Luckily, when condomania stopped doing the custom size thing, they atleast posted a "if you wear this size, these name brand condoms are closest approximations" guide that I used to find the ones that fitted me.

And it actually looks like Condomania's brand was also called "they fit" and they are carrying the custom sized condoms again under a different name.
posted by mrzarquon at 1:08 PM on March 15, 2012


Seconding lsadorady.

Makes me wonder if their scale includes extra-small sizes that they don't intend to sell, but exist solely for marketing purposes.

Because who wants to buy the petite size?


Anybody who is excluded by the Large/ExtraLarge/Enormous standard condom market, who would rather not deal with a pregnancy and/or STD.

Condoms are only effective when well-fitted, without air bubbles, onto an erection. The marketplace's lack of fitted condoms for those on the other side of the distribution curve leaves a lot of people dangerously underserved. See, for instance: micropenis; or transmale clitoral elongation
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 1:11 PM on March 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


Anybody who is excluded by the Large/ExtraLarge/Enormous standard condom market,

wipe my joke off the wall, it just flew over your head.
posted by jonmc at 4:32 PM on March 15, 2012


The problem, though, comes in the implementation. Men don't wear their "Jumbo Extra-Large OMG what a Schlong He Has!" condoms dangling out of their pockets or strapped to the roofrack of their car or anything. The only person you can "impress" with your purchase is the check-out clerk at the store where you buy it (who is as likely as not to give you a "really? You? look) and the person who is going to see the real thing at about the same time as they see the "OMG You Won't Believe the Size of this Thing" condom you bought for it--a proximity which is only going to shoot your performance anxiety through the roof if it's false advertising.

Danny DeVito presents how to use a condom to advertise you have a massive dong.

Zac Efron drops condom on red carpet during Lorax premiere.
posted by birdherder at 5:23 PM on March 15, 2012


Surprised no one's mentioned this yet, but I definitely wouldn't trust a former employee of Goldman Sachs with something this essential.
posted by limeonaire at 5:28 PM on March 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


I once saw a lecture by Michael Moore where he was showing outtakes from his network TV show, TV Nation. The one outtake he didn't show was a segment that involved Ben Hamper (author of Rivethead and a former autoworker featured in Roger & Me) asking pharmacists at a drugstore if they had any small condoms, because nobody ever markets a condom smaller than Regular. Anyhow, Moore said that the network refused to show it, because "we'd lose our Southern affiliates." Moore thought this TV business-speak was a little confusing so he asked the network guys to clarify. They replied, "You cannot talk about small penises and expect Southern men to watch it."
posted by jonp72 at 5:32 PM on March 15, 2012


I buy Coripa condoms and used TheyFit back when Condomania was selling them. Fitted condoms really are quite a bit nicer, and I find myself more inclined to use them when, um, they fit. If you are a condom user, you might consider trying them out!
posted by Barking Frog at 11:04 PM on March 15, 2012


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