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March 26, 2012 10:16 AM   Subscribe

The mystery of Mallrats finally revelaed : was it really a sailboat?
posted by bonehead (64 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite

 
It was a schooner.
posted by entropicamericana at 10:19 AM on March 26, 2012 [10 favorites]


There is no spoon.
posted by Debaser626 at 10:19 AM on March 26, 2012


You dumb bastard.
posted by notmydesk at 10:20 AM on March 26, 2012 [7 favorites]


Brenda?
posted by The World Famous at 10:24 AM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


It's not a stage.
posted by chavenet at 10:24 AM on March 26, 2012


I see a one trick pony.
posted by davebush at 10:26 AM on March 26, 2012 [3 favorites]


It's an autonomous unit for mid-mall gazing.
posted by jimmythefish at 10:27 AM on March 26, 2012


Aw man, Kevin Smith totally stinkpalmed us!
posted by yellowbinder at 10:30 AM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


After about 3 minutes of attempting to do the Magic Eye thing with my eyes on a small, blurry YouTube copy of a movie from 17 years ago I had to stop myself, because this was clearly the dumbest thing I've done with my time probably since Mallrats came out. The only thing I managed to see was a spiral of rectangles.
posted by Copronymus at 10:31 AM on March 26, 2012 [4 favorites]


Photoshop isn't relaxed enough to see it.
posted by clvrmnky at 10:34 AM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


I always figured it wasn't ... I was right! No sailboat!
posted by mrgrimm at 10:38 AM on March 26, 2012


This had me wondering: I have the Mallrats soundtrack on vinyl and it has a Magic Eye-style background. I now know that it, unsurprisingly, says "Mallrats" above Jay and Silent Bob in this style.
posted by Jeff Morris at 10:43 AM on March 26, 2012


I feel strange disturbance in the internet . . .as if a million nerds suddenly cried out, and then were suddenly silent.
posted by KingEdRa at 10:44 AM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh Mallrats, you seemed like such a great movie in high school, especially that weekend that we watched you like five times, but it turns out that you're really kind of awful. I definitely shouldn't have rented you when I was 21, so that I could go on pretending that you were funny, and not at all full of outrageously terrible acting.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:48 AM on March 26, 2012 [10 favorites]


This is just the tip of the iceberg. I hear that the Emerald City in The Wizard of Oz wasn't actually made of emerald. Someone should totally analyze that in Photoshop. Plus, some of the monkeys couldn't really fly.
posted by yoink at 11:00 AM on March 26, 2012


Sure, it's easy to go back now and rag on the film. But it's not terrible, and oddly enough the DVD is saved by Ben "Assman" Affleck's participation on the commentary track.
posted by carsonb at 11:08 AM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


If I ever meet that cat in person the first thing out of my mouth is probably still gonna be "Who's your favorite New Kid?"
posted by carsonb at 11:10 AM on March 26, 2012


Some movies you have to watch with the eyes of a conflicted, socially maladroit 17y.o. slacker - Mall Rats, Empire Records, The Breakfast Club - to fully appreciate.
posted by Slap*Happy at 11:13 AM on March 26, 2012 [4 favorites]


But it's not terrible

Alright you stop right there.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:18 AM on March 26, 2012


full of outrageously terrible acting.

That may be.

But Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms.
posted by davidjmcgee at 11:18 AM on March 26, 2012 [9 favorites]


But, guys, you got to see Joey Adams' boobies and she looks a lot like Renee Zellweger!
posted by cmoj at 11:20 AM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


Alright you stop right there.

I mean c'mon—he says it Ar-mega-don!
posted by carsonb at 11:23 AM on March 26, 2012


Little known fact (mostly because Hollywood told Smith he had to stop casting all his friends for the second film and so Scott Mosier's character from the first one was played by Ethan Suplee in the second), but Dante's girlfriend Veronica in Clerks had her own nickname for Willam: "Snowball," the most notorious of the 37. Try scrubbing that image out of your brain.

(Kevin's since tried to backpedal, and say that because they were played by different actors, the two are different characters who just happen to share a name, but I'm not buying it. He just doesn't have that many characters in his pen.)
posted by radwolf76 at 11:24 AM on March 26, 2012


That movie was criminally under-rated. It contains Jason Lee's finest thespian work. The fact of the matter is that all those that claim to hate it can still quote dozens of lines from it. Those that love it can quote the whole damn movie.

With that in mind...

"Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime."
- Brody
posted by prepmonkey at 11:32 AM on March 26, 2012 [13 favorites]


I think they just didn't care, and liked giving fans something to speculate about. Clerks takes place the next day in the "Askewniverse"; my theory is that Willam had liposuction after he kicked the Magic Eye poster down and attacked the stage. That's why he's so out of it in the convenience store. I think the insta-beard is some weird allergic reaction to the anesthesia.

Scott Mosier cast himself anyway, as Svenning's PA. It's Suhvenning.
posted by carsonb at 11:32 AM on March 26, 2012


I recently re-watched Mallrats at age 34 (and three-quarters).

It's awesome. It was awesome, it is still awesome. It is a silly film with no pretense to greatness, just to funness and comic book references. I think it's the most underrated Smith film - it's much better than Clerks.

full of outrageously terrible acting.

Whaa? Sure, the main romantic leads were kind of boring - no more so than any other film of the genre - but most of the movie was Jason Lee - awesome, brilliant Jason Lee of My Name is Earl and who is at once hostile and sympathetic in Chasing Amy. (also, he can be a complete chameleon if he wants to be - I didn't even recognize him in Dogma the first time).

I would watch Jason Lee read the phone book.
posted by jb at 11:33 AM on March 26, 2012 [5 favorites]


also, a cameo by Stan Lee. I don't even read Stan Lee, and I loved that whole scene.
posted by jb at 11:36 AM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


God that's weird. prepmonkey said exactly what I wanted to say, almost word for word. Cool.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:41 AM on March 26, 2012


"...awesome, brilliant Jason Lee..."

He's currently awesome and brilliant in Up All Night, though perhaps less awesome and/or brilliant than in those films. The character isn't really giving him a lot of room to move, but he inhabits it fully. The rest of the show's characters are growing quite nicely, which gives me hope that they'll get around to him eventually.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:42 AM on March 26, 2012


Man I miss the crowd of people staring at the magic eye picture you used to see down the shopping centres during the 90s. Wearing shell suits. Listening to their walkmans. Actually I just miss the 90s.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 11:43 AM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


I think it's the most underrated Smith film - it's much better than Clerks.

Damning with faint praise. I was a fan of Smith's films at the time. And they still have their moments. And I like him as a public persona, speaker, etc. but his films are just not very good, and are nowhere near as good as they are generally held up to be.
posted by The World Famous at 11:47 AM on March 26, 2012 [3 favorites]


Metafilter: a spiral of rectangles.
posted by herbplarfegan at 11:49 AM on March 26, 2012


Arguing with Kevin Smith haters on Metafilter is about as productive as trying to see that sailboat.

Did I hallucinate the Mallrats/schooner callout on 'Raising Hope' during Suplee's second appearance?
posted by phearlez at 11:50 AM on March 26, 2012


After about 3 minutes of attempting to do the Magic Eye thing with my eyes on a small, blurry YouTube copy of a movie from 17 years ago I had to stop myself, because this was clearly the dumbest thing I've done with my time probably since Mallrats came out. The only thing I managed to see was a spiral of rectangles.

On a monitor: Set the video to 1080p. Fullscreen. You can see it clearly enough.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 11:52 AM on March 26, 2012


This thread is like the old Woody Allen thing where the couple is in analysis separately, and the analyst asks how often they have sex, and she says "All the time! Like twice a week!" and he says "Practically never. Twice a week at most."

Kevin Smith's movies (all of them, pretty much) are full of clever writing and quotable lines, because Kevin Smith is a clever writer. They are also full of horrible acting because Kevin Smith is a terrible director. Whether you like his movies or not seems to hinge on whether the funny writing carries the awful acting for you.
posted by rusty at 11:56 AM on March 26, 2012 [10 favorites]


I have never let my daughter play on the escalator because of the movie Mallrats. Love it (I do) or hate it, it is, among other things, a PSA we can all get behind.
posted by tigrefacile at 12:12 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


Sure, it's easy to go back now and rag on the film. But it's not terrible, and oddly enough the DVD is saved by Ben "Assman" Affleck's participation on the commentary track.

If that is your definition of "saved", then it really is a horrible movie.
posted by karathrace at 12:14 PM on March 26, 2012


"So, if you're a fan of Kevin Smith..."

I guess he's addressing Kevin Smith?
posted by mrnutty at 12:29 PM on March 26, 2012


Huh. Kind of a cool "MRI slices" effect when you move the duplicated layer, I like that. A better programmer than me could probably extract the original 3d models from Magic Eye books by tracing the edges as the shapes "grow" and laying down vertices with OpenCV or something.
posted by jason_steakums at 12:45 PM on March 26, 2012


THAT KID IS BACK ON THE ESCALATOR AGAIN!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:56 PM on March 26, 2012 [7 favorites]


Here's a hi-res version of the poster.
posted by empath at 1:10 PM on March 26, 2012 [17 favorites]


On a monitor: Set the video to 1080p. Fullscreen. You can see it clearly enough.

I could see it clearly even on the second video at terrible resolution. But I spent way too much time figuring out how to do those stupid things.
posted by empath at 1:14 PM on March 26, 2012


I spent enough time learning how to do those as a kid that if I'm really tired my eyes naturally attempt it when I look at a repeating pattern 1-2 feet from my face. It's really nauseating if I'm in a moving vehicle! Even graph paper or lined notebook paper turned on its side triggers it. Geocities-circa-98 tiled backgrounds were the worst for this.
posted by jason_steakums at 1:18 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


Man, fuck magic eye. That shit never worked. I'm glad the fad has passed.
posted by Afroblanco at 1:20 PM on March 26, 2012 [6 favorites]


I hate Magic Eye for the same reason I hate 3D movies: my eyes are unable to move to be able to see it.

If at some point audiovisutainment goes to 3D only, I'll know when my shooting spree should start. Because I won't even have the option of standing there all day with a lunch until I see it, I'll just have vomit-class headaches.
posted by mephron at 1:30 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


Without looking, I recall the tale was that it said Dogma three times, foreshadowing his "big project."

I'm from NJ. They teach us that in high school.
posted by defenestration at 1:31 PM on March 26, 2012


Sure, it's easy to go back now and rag on the film. But it's not terrible, and oddly enough the DVD is saved by Ben "Assman" Affleck's participation on the commentary track.

Doesn't the DVD also have that weird alternate cut too?
posted by smackfu at 1:32 PM on March 26, 2012


And upon watching it, I'm very, very wrong. Fuck you, public school.
posted by defenestration at 1:32 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


My eyes aren't knocking anyones socks off when it comes to most measures of usefulness, but I can fucking see the shit out of some Magic Eye. Sadly, since I'm not at a mall in 1994, I seldom get the chance to show off my Magic Eye skills.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:33 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


tigrefacile writes "I have never let my daughter play on the escalator because of the movie Mallrats. Love it (I do) or hate it, it is, among other things, a PSA we can all get behind."

That and it's warning about Volkswagon's which, sadly, came after I bought a Beetle.
posted by Mitheral at 1:45 PM on March 26, 2012


I can see Magic Eye - but ONLY when wearing contacts, and never in my glasses.

I also find 3d uncomfortable with glasses; haven't tried contacts yet (not owning any now, unlike the late '90s).
posted by jb at 2:09 PM on March 26, 2012


I've tried to watch Mallrats. I love Clerks. Mallrats annoys the crap out of me.
posted by roboton666 at 3:55 PM on March 26, 2012


If at some point audiovisutainment goes to 3D only, I'll know when my shooting spree should start. Because I won't even have the option of standing there all day with a lunch until I see it, I'll just have vomit-class headaches.

What will you do when the movie studios start putting out stuff exclusively in magic eye format?
posted by dibblda at 5:39 PM on March 26, 2012


Oh, empath, you suck, you suck, you suck.

DAMN DAMN DAMN.

At least it wasn't a sailboat. Fucking empath...
posted by RakDaddy at 6:09 PM on March 26, 2012


Bad empath. Definitely no sailboat.
posted by arzakh at 7:38 PM on March 26, 2012


cmoj: "But, guys, you got to see Joey Adams' boobies and she looks a lot like Renee Zellweger!"

Mkay, just throwing this out there. Joey Adams is perfectly hot without comparing her to R.Z.

Now, anyone have a Magic Eye of Joey topless so I can get ever so frustrated not being able to see anything this time too?
posted by Samizdata at 9:13 PM on March 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


Here's a hi-res version of the poster.

My god, it's full of sailboats.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:19 PM on March 26, 2012


Is that sailboat really married?
posted by triceryclops at 9:23 PM on March 26, 2012


Wow empath, is that a whirlpool those sailboats are pulling out of?
posted by roboton666 at 9:24 PM on March 26, 2012


I can see last Thursday's sailboat in there.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:26 PM on March 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


Empath : well played sir.
posted by sodium lights the horizon at 12:09 AM on March 27, 2012


I never understood why people had a hard time with these things, but then, I used to play with my vision when I was a little kid. Sometimes, I still do.

So now, sometimes when I walk into elevators that have weird decorative gratings or ridges or other patterns in the back of them, my eyes lock the pattern into (what I think is) focus a foot (or a few feet) past where it really is, and I have to put my hand out to get my focus to lock correctly, or risk stumbling or losing my balance. Doesn't happen if it's, like, big smooth panels or mirrors, or if there are any people in the elevator.

Focusing ten or so feet past someone while looking straight at them is also a really good way to freak them out.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 1:07 AM on March 27, 2012


If you find me here still in this thread in a week, stained clothes and a brownbagged lunch, it's empath's fault.
posted by dabitch at 1:24 AM on March 27, 2012


What will you do when the movie studios start putting out stuff exclusively in magic eye format?

lots of vomiting, I guess.

at least MetaFilter will be blue and calm and not in 3d.
posted by mephron at 3:37 AM on March 27, 2012


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