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The How Not To Kill Your Baby Official Growth Chart Of Doom
April 2, 2012 3:51 PM   Subscribe

The How Not To Kill Your Baby Official Growth Chart Of Doom [via mefi projects]
posted by the young rope-rider (28 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite

 
FINALLY!
posted by Fizz at 3:52 PM on April 2, 2012


At what height do they get eaten by cats?
posted by arcticseal at 4:37 PM on April 2, 2012


Kill your babby? Well that's just instain.

It's not like they can frigth back or anything.
posted by Naberius at 4:48 PM on April 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


At what height do they get eaten by cats?

Cat's don't eat babies! Cats sit on babies and steal their breath. Jeeze, what century are you from?
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:50 PM on April 2, 2012 [18 favorites]


Cats attemot to snuggle with babies that attempt to eat cats, leading to unhappy cat.
posted by Artw at 4:56 PM on April 2, 2012 [4 favorites]


As someone who was often subjected to rude jostling by wolves in wolf metropolises during my upbringing, let me just say thank you for bringing attention to this scandalous pattern of poor manners in the lupine community.
posted by darkstar at 5:10 PM on April 2, 2012 [10 favorites]


This is just more tribal bullcrap. Once the earth and its fellow earthlings learn to live in community by capitalizing on each and every others strenghts instead of the arrogant and violent rivaleries we're seeing unfold daily, we should be in for some really smooth sailing.
posted by Meatafoecure at 5:24 PM on April 2, 2012


Lions are a lot bigger than wolves than I thought.

Also I keep seeing it spelled "veld" lately, but I learned it as "veldt". Which is appropriate?!
posted by curious nu at 5:25 PM on April 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


I thought this was going to be a political pro-choice thing w/r/t the current trend of wacky regressive laws across the nation but this is much better.
posted by shakespeherian at 5:29 PM on April 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


I hate to say this, as much as I love the poster, but at the very bottom left there's a "Hot" that should be a "How."

Editing buzzkill over; please continue protecting young'uns from angry capybaras.
posted by fiercecupcake at 5:30 PM on April 2, 2012


Also I keep seeing it spelled "veld" lately, but I learned it as "veldt". Which is appropriate?!

Either is acceptable. It looks like veld is more common, but the gap is narrowing.
posted by jedicus at 5:39 PM on April 2, 2012


Very well, what is the correct way to kill my baby?
posted by LogicalDash at 5:46 PM on April 2, 2012


How sad I am that my kid has outgrown this. I've been so half-assed about the measuring thing. There are two pieces of tape on the kitchen wall. That's the entire record of her growth. Ah, well, she persists in growing despite my slackerism.

fiercecupcake, I noticed, too, but immediately played in my head "Not killing your baby? That's hot."
posted by looli at 5:49 PM on April 2, 2012


To paraphrase Henry Rollins, old age.
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:50 PM on April 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


Finally people are acknowledging the link between roaming the veld and sunburn.
posted by DU at 6:03 PM on April 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


looli, just pretend that you actually measured him/her every day. "Yeah, I have no idea what happened. Born two feet tall, didn't grow until they were a year old, and then fifteen inches in one night. I'm thinking too much protein?"
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 6:11 PM on April 2, 2012 [5 favorites]


Veldt is correct
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 7:21 PM on April 2, 2012


Thank goodness this has come out. I was really stumped on what to get my brother-in-law and his wife for their new baby. They live in Houston so they will definitely need to know how to avoid all of these animals.
posted by Leezie at 7:32 PM on April 2, 2012


Final Fantasy 3/6 taught me Veldt, so I am sticking with that.
Do you people think you know more than Final Fantasy 3?
posted by St. Sorryass at 7:32 PM on April 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


As far as I'm concerned if Ray Bradbury says it's veldt, it's veldt.
posted by whir at 10:41 PM on April 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


Yup.
posted by Artw at 10:42 PM on April 2, 2012


'Veldt' is a much more interesting spelling.
posted by Gordafarin at 12:57 AM on April 3, 2012


Dear Fiercecupcake and Looli,

All How Not To Kill Your Baby (TM) Brand Products undergo 35 billion years of rigorous testing. Because this is greater than the age of the universe, How Not To Kill Your Baby's industry-leading testing process requires the creation of a massive wormhole in the space-time continuum, putting every being who ever lived at risk of total annihilation -- but that's just how commited we are to your family's safety.

In short, errors, omisions, and misspellings of the word "omissions" are a scientific impossibility. If you have witnessed the substitution of "Hot" for "How," there can be only one explanation: your computer is infested with T-Worms. T-Worms begin by eating all Ws in your household, then excreting them as Ts. Once the Ws have been exhausted, T-torms begin devouring the human members of your household, starting with the youngest and most helpless. The only way to protect your family is to coat your computer with How Not To Kill Your Baby (TM) Brand T-Worm Wax ($99.99 at all baby stores). And remember, the more Ts you see, the torse the situation is! Quickly! Go buy the only tax with the theretithal to stop the T-Torms from their torrisome tork!

Seriously, thanks for catching that. How embarrassing! I'll ask the publisher to fix it right away. On the plus side, that caption was just added for the version of the growth chart uploaded to the web. The book itself is perfect in every regard. I hope.
posted by yankeefog at 2:59 AM on April 3, 2012 [4 favorites]


For other curious readers:

Gul Mohammed (wikipedia, GIS)
Vechur cow (wikipedia, GIS)
posted by whatzit at 3:42 AM on April 3, 2012


"Let me graze into your veldt,
Let me stomple your albino,
Let me nibble on your buds,
I'm your Love Rhino."
posted by Mayor Curley at 4:51 AM on April 3, 2012


Can anyone confirm the capybara halitosis thing? That would be a major bummer if true.
posted by tommasz at 5:04 AM on April 3, 2012


Well, Toddler Zizzle has about 8 inches or so before the rabbits become a problem....guess it's a good thing Dr.E. made that pen to keep them in.....
posted by zizzle at 7:14 AM on April 3, 2012


Zizzle - they don't call it a 'pen' any more, they call it a 'pack-n-play'.
posted by 8dot3 at 8:48 AM on April 4, 2012


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