Stupid things I have done,

October 14, 2001 2:14 PM

Stupid things I have done, a list by Heather and her readers.
posted by Mo Nickels (34 comments total)

You mean Adam Sandler isn't...?

In 1988, when there was a great fire in Lisbon I wrote, for the newspaper I edited, a stirring, front-page editorial about how brave the people of Ponta Delgada(capital of São Miguel island in the Azores archipelago) had been in the aftermath of the terrible earthquake there. And how this should inspire the population of Lisbon to rebuild and get on with their lives.
I went on (and on) about the innate qualities of the Ponta Delgada people: their gumption; their exemplary attitude towards disaster; what a beautiful city had been so cruelly destroyed and how my memories of its graces would never die; how it stood in glaring contrast to the indolent scepticism and apathy of the other Azores islanders, who deserved nothing but scorn. Yadda, yadda, tadda. My headline was: "Long Live Ponta Delgada And All Who Live There!"

Next day I received thousands of murder threats and cancelled subscriptions. The earthquake had, in fact, destroyed Angra do Heroismo, another capital city, on an entirely distinct island. Thus was I was publicly exposed as the abject fool that I was.
On the plus side, this ridicule has stood me in good stead since I joined MetaFiles.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 2:37 PM on October 14, 2001

mine is a gas. while coming from my crackedealers(traded stolen foodstamps for rocks) i set my baby on top of the car and strapped the milk into the car seat. the car was running and i reved the engine then slammed her into 3rd gear. my zip gun fell out and it struck an airliner...
posted by newnameintown at 2:37 PM on October 14, 2001

Clicked twice on a new post submission button, resulting in identical, subsequent posts.

During my fourth-grade scotch tape addition (a gateway addiction to duct tape), spilled the fat teacher's Pepsi all over her, the desk and the open grade book. Stubborn tape.

Confused Margo Kidder and Marlon Brando when discussing movies as a kid.

Accused a man who bumped me from behind of stealing my wallet only to find it still in yesterday's pants when I got home. He was black and thought it was a racial thing.

Locked my keys inside my apartment in Paris, tried to reach the landlord who did not answer, waited hours for a locksmith to drill the lock. Sat there on the steps for two hours as he banged and sawed and as everyone in the apartment building observed and the old lady next door passed tea around. Paid $700 for the work and the lock. Got a call from my landlord, just back from the airport, a half hour later saying she'd be right by with the keys...
posted by Mo Nickels at 2:42 PM on October 14, 2001

i click refresh one time too many quite often.
posted by jcterminal at 2:42 PM on October 14, 2001

Had the house detective of the Algonquin Hotel in New York spend an hour looking for my gold-rimmed spectacles, maintaining they had probably been stolen. Threatened to sue them. Explained to my wife what a den of thieves New York was. After an hour the burly detective asked me where I kept the spectacles I was wearing.
I then realized these were the ones I was looking for. When I tried to apologize, saying these were in fact the pair I was seeking, the guy said, just before leaving the room:
"I didn't ask because they look like crap to me".
posted by MiguelCardoso at 2:51 PM on October 14, 2001

I do the sharks in the deep end of the pool thing.
Also, I once ate three cigarettes just to freak out my friends.

My gums had cankers for a month.
posted by dong_resin at 2:58 PM on October 14, 2001

the sharks in the deep end of the pool thing.

?
posted by jpoulos at 3:14 PM on October 14, 2001

It's on Heather's list.
Your irrational yet totally undeniable fear that there is, at the absolute minimum, at least one great white shark lurking in the deep end of the pool.
Prob'ly caused by seeing Jaws at an impressionable age.
posted by dong_resin at 3:20 PM on October 14, 2001

I thought that on letter boxes "No circulars" meant you weren't allowed turning around in their driveway.

Yes.
posted by holloway at 3:34 PM on October 14, 2001

Whoops. I didn't make it that far.
posted by jpoulos at 3:36 PM on October 14, 2001

As a kid, I once intentionally set off a flashbulb against my arm, just to see how hot it was.

It was very hot.
posted by dogwelder at 3:36 PM on October 14, 2001

The day before Halloween, when I was in fifth grade, my parents insisted that I start bringing my books home from school with me so that I could do my homework. The next day, we were allowed to dress up for school, and I came to classes as a hobo. I wore oversized boots, and mismatched clothes, and had charcoal smudged across my face to simulate a beard.

When I got home from school, I changed my clothes, and then realized I had left my books in my desk. I ran the two blocks back to the school, and snuck past at least two or three janitors to my darkened classroom, grabbed my books, and successfully made my way back out of the building. I ran all the way back home. Inside the front door, looking at my face in the hallway mirror, I realized how truly lucky I was not to have been caught by one of the cleaning crew. I hadn't washed the charcoal off my face for my commando raid.
posted by bragadocchio at 3:44 PM on October 14, 2001

Are the "best" stupid things those events that you know are stupid before you do them i.e.

"I stuck my tounge to the frost inside the freezer to see if it would stick. It did and I had my head in the damn freezer for an hour before I built up enough courage to rip the tip of my tounge off. It hurt, a LOT, and I got a cold. Stupid, stupid stupid.

Or those that sneak up on you and you totally regret;

"Freshman year in high school after gym class I was enjoying a mouthful of Skittles, when the older guys came into the locker room. One of them grabbed my knee. Why? I'll never know. Of course, I take a deep breath in. Choking. Sputtering. Can't breathe. The coach come running in, 911 was called, heimlich ensued. When all was said and done I was alive, teary eyed and had 'a rainbow of fruit flavors' all over my gym shirt. Wow. Wish I could erase that mental image."
posted by jeremias at 3:47 PM on October 14, 2001 [2 favorites]

When I was an innocent youth, I thought that a blow job involved blowing air on someone's genitals.
posted by MegoSteve at 3:59 PM on October 14, 2001

That wasn't stupid, Megosteve - that was prescient!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 4:42 PM on October 14, 2001

One time in a certain south american country (I'd not like to say which one ;) ). The prositute I was with jacked up prices at the end. Well we got in a heated argument and I accidently killed her. It took $500 worth of herion for my friend to chop her up and "dispose" of her! That's a story none of us will forget!
posted by geoff. at 5:15 PM on October 14, 2001

Dad?
posted by dong_resin at 5:32 PM on October 14, 2001

I scalped myself (but you can read about that on the link). I also electrocuted myself by biting an extension cord, fell off a friend's porch (sitting on the railing acting cool) breaking my arm, crawled over broken glass (after breaking said glass) and caught a brick with my head (while looking over my trash-can lid shield).

Surprisingly enough, I'm still alive, my brain is still in its original package and, get this, I'm not an accident prone person (as a general rule).....well, not any more.
posted by m@ at 5:46 PM on October 14, 2001

dong resin:

I have the shark fear as well. My theory is that it's a combo of seeing Jaws at a young age (as you noted) and also having watched James Bond films . . . you see I know that there aren't sharks in the deep end of the pool . . . but I'm never really sure that there isn't a secret door that will slide open and let the sharks out of their secret holding tank.

Thus I only swim when the pool owner is in the water with me.
posted by donovan at 6:09 PM on October 14, 2001

i didn't pay attention in driver's ed, despite the fact that i'd never managed to drive before.

and i was in six wrecks before i'd had my license for a year. oops.
posted by sugarfish at 6:43 PM on October 14, 2001

oh boy...

as a kid I was in my backyard throwing darts up into the air...sure, several of them went and hit me in the head but I didn't really think anything of it until my mom came out and gasped at the bloody mass of hair on my head. uh...oops?
posted by xochi at 6:51 PM on October 14, 2001

uh...standing over a hurricane lantern staring down the chimney in fascination wondering what all that "snow" was that I saw falling...it was my eyebrows.
posted by xochi at 7:05 PM on October 14, 2001

^^^^^^^^^ < dong resin in pool
posted by newnameintown at 7:08 PM on October 14, 2001

Man, those xochi ones cracked me up.
posted by Big Fat Tycoon at 7:31 PM on October 14, 2001

Dong Resin in pool :



posted by dong_resin at 9:03 PM on October 14, 2001

was riding a ten-speed at night on a poorly lit street no-hands.

i was 12. i was cool.

that is, cool until the front tire wedged itself in a large pothole that i didn't see.

did an endo over the handlebars, came down on my knees and elbows - ouch. lucky not to be paralysed or dead.
posted by bwg at 9:04 PM on October 14, 2001

When I was 13, I rushed out of the house with my large bag of hockey equipment. At the last moment I tried to whirl around and head back into the house. Unfortunately, 30lbs of equipment on my shoulder propelled me in a quicker circle than I had planned and the momentum carried me right back into the still open door (the edge caught me on the collarbone). A loud "crack" sound followed and I slumped to the ground with the equipment bag on my back/neck/head.

Witness to the whole scene was my dad and assumed I had broken either my collarbone, my shoulder or my neck.
He lifted the equipment off me and heard me moan. He was glad that I was still alive/conscious. I picked myself up off the ground and sheepishly informed him that I seemed to be okay. Thankfully, the only injury was a bruise/cut on my shoulder/neck and split lip from my face being driven into the porch by the bag of equipment on my head.

The cracking sound turned out to be a piece of plastic equipment being struck by my skates as it shifted in the bag.

To this day, I don't run through doorways.
posted by Grum at 10:34 PM on October 14, 2001

skateboarded backwards without looking to impress friends.. that was the first and only time i ever did a backflip.
posted by lotsofno at 11:10 PM on October 14, 2001

Half way down I forgot what it was the statements were responding to.

I somehow blended in with each quip, echoing over and over again in my head, "Yeah I could see myself doing that".
posted by crasspastor at 11:14 PM on October 14, 2001

As a child I misheard my parents and thought for the longest time that a tornado was a "tomato". Couldn't under stand how tomatoes could rain from the sky.

I though french kissing was simply two French people kissing until the sixth grade.

I have called my best friend of several years and forgotten her name. She'll answer, "Hello?" and I'll just blank out......
posted by burnt-toast at 11:57 PM on October 14, 2001

Where to start... haha

Walked into a girls counselors bathroom at camp. People in there. Not on purpose either. (result: Weird looks from counselors from then on)

I took a college speaking class and I was so bad the teacher made me sit down before my time was up. (result: Wondering why I was so stupid to read what I read. The girl that read a lesbian story at least was able to finish)

Got thrown off a playground merry go round because I was acting like I couldn't been thrown off. (result: stitches)

Worked at UPS. Cleaned a big long belt sorter of packages with a low overhang. Decided to run because I was glad to be going on vacation. (result: Hit head, no vacation. No operation to close the wound for 6 hours. No food of drink because surgery was needed, after a 5 hour shift of exercise. Had to wear a bonnet with gauze inside and friends called it "toothdecay".)

Friends mom caught me uhhh ...you know... in my friends room to a sports illustrated swimsuit issue. (result:strange looks from friends mom)

Had hot girl sit on my lap and make fun of me on the bus ride home from school. (result: Afraid of women)

School crush's name put on TV screen during homeroom with a message like, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DONNA WILSON! FROM (my name). Not from me nor her birthday. (result:Her getting many Happy Birthdays and me becoming the weird stalker)

Same crush, serial killer like note written to me from my crush in my locker. I write note back with rhyming "without you" poem. Principal office wonder where the hell this came from. Note not from her, crush feels like I'm stalking her from then on. (result: Principal office and "counseling" because I flipped out as a result of a prank. Ruining my high school life, prankster gets 1 day suspension.)

Hit in the face by a baseball while coaching 13-16 team. Doing my Barry Bonds impression. (result: Entire team cracking up, swelled lip for a week.)

Lion peed on me through cage. (result: smelly clothes)

Got into a fistfight with a friend over baseball video game. Told him to "get out"! I was in his house. (result: never friends again)

Got into a fistfight in a lazertag arena. (result: free pass for next all nighter)

I go to meet a girl from the internet. She slams her hatchback hatch on my hand in motel parking lot. Lock rusty and hard to open. Hand caught in door. (result: Much pain, much oral sex for me. Now going to be married in 9 months.)

Through all my embarrassment throughout the years, there isn't much left to be embarrassed about! I'm happy!
posted by andryeevna at 1:23 AM on October 15, 2001

Peed on by a lion... good lord, man!
posted by dong_resin at 2:32 AM on October 15, 2001

Reading a review of the new PJ Harvey album, and getting most of the way through it before realizing that this wasn't a spoken-word album from the guy on NPR who tells us "the rest of the story."
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:18 AM on October 15, 2001

I theorized that I could test out my new pistol crossbow within the confines of my yard. Theory was disproved when I had to remove the bolt from the radiator of a car 50 yards away.

Faced with such a source of misadventure, my friends and I would do some serious damage to the alcohol supply, then they would stand around me as I fired the crossbow straight up. We would stand gaping blankly at the night sky as we wondered where the bolt would fall.

Oh, yeah. I once bet a friend I could catch a bottle rocket in my teeth. (I wasn't THAT stupid, though -- I tried to bite it as it went by, rather than standing in its path.)
posted by joaquim at 12:16 PM on October 15, 2001