Slapstick comedy for your Friday the 13th!
April 13, 2012 10:01 AM Subscribe
400-Pound La Crescenta Bear Safely Relocated to Forest
posted by helicomatic at 10:05 AM on April 13, 2012 [11 favorites]
posted by helicomatic at 10:05 AM on April 13, 2012 [11 favorites]
livetweeting my mauling lolz this bear is rlly chowing down, some1 didnt get a good breakfast ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by naju at 10:07 AM on April 13, 2012 [16 favorites]
posted by naju at 10:07 AM on April 13, 2012 [16 favorites]
They say you should not run if you meet a bear, because it makes you look more like lunch, and they can run faster than you can...
posted by Kirth Gerson at 10:08 AM on April 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by Kirth Gerson at 10:08 AM on April 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM BEAR PLEASE RESPOND WITH "STOP BEAR"
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 10:08 AM on April 13, 2012 [87 favorites]
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 10:08 AM on April 13, 2012 [87 favorites]
lol yea(10 second pause)
oh wait nvm
sorry ran n2 a bear lol omgposted by raihan_ at 10:09 AM on April 13, 2012 [15 favorites]
Too bad his friend didn't text back "Whatever you do, don't run from a bear. They'll think you're prey and might chase you down."
posted by bondcliff at 10:09 AM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by bondcliff at 10:09 AM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
It's filed somewhere in my head that you don't run from bears when you encounter them. I don't know where I learned this, but it's in my category of knowledge.
But maybe I'm confusing bears with the police.
posted by FirstMateKate at 10:10 AM on April 13, 2012 [9 favorites]
But maybe I'm confusing bears with the police.
posted by FirstMateKate at 10:10 AM on April 13, 2012 [9 favorites]
Via the Guardian.
Via pretty much everywhere this week.
posted by octothorpe at 10:10 AM on April 13, 2012
Via pretty much everywhere this week.
posted by octothorpe at 10:10 AM on April 13, 2012
If the way they behave in traffic around here is any indicator, they'd just scowl at the bear and continue to text.
posted by Devils Rancher at 10:13 AM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Devils Rancher at 10:13 AM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
They say you should not run if you meet a bear,
Yeah, sure, The Experts say that. But your hindbrain says otherwise.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 10:14 AM on April 13, 2012 [9 favorites]
Yeah, sure, The Experts say that. But your hindbrain says otherwise.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 10:14 AM on April 13, 2012 [9 favorites]
They say you should not run if you meet a bear.
It's like people who get shit on by birds, they say it's good luck. You know who says that? People who get shit on. I have tons of advice on how to deal with confronting a bear, most of it useless, the only person I want to hear from is someone who's outsmarted a fucking bear.
posted by Fizz at 10:16 AM on April 13, 2012 [6 favorites]
It's like people who get shit on by birds, they say it's good luck. You know who says that? People who get shit on. I have tons of advice on how to deal with confronting a bear, most of it useless, the only person I want to hear from is someone who's outsmarted a fucking bear.
posted by Fizz at 10:16 AM on April 13, 2012 [6 favorites]
Texting is no excuse for not being prepared to see a bear right in front of you. There is no excuse. I am bear-ready 100% of the time. On a rollercoaster at Disneyland, you still need to be thinking, "What will I do, if there is suddenly a bear?"
posted by notionoriety at 10:20 AM on April 13, 2012 [43 favorites]
posted by notionoriety at 10:20 AM on April 13, 2012 [43 favorites]
Having had a job where one of my tasks was chasing bears AND having a current problem with not liking cats getting up in my face, I am now super happy that Greg Nog has revealed to me that I have the skills to fix my problem.
Thanks, Metafilter!
(Oh yeah, and as loose as you might feel in the bowels when confronted by a bear, don't turn your back on them. Get the hell out, yes, but if they come for you, your best bet is to start swinging for the soft spots on the skull and you got to be able to see them coming.)
posted by Seamus at 10:21 AM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Thanks, Metafilter!
(Oh yeah, and as loose as you might feel in the bowels when confronted by a bear, don't turn your back on them. Get the hell out, yes, but if they come for you, your best bet is to start swinging for the soft spots on the skull and you got to be able to see them coming.)
posted by Seamus at 10:21 AM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
"B there soon, just gotta grab a bear..."
..."DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT!"
posted by crackingdes at 10:21 AM on April 13, 2012 [5 favorites]
..."DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT!"
posted by crackingdes at 10:21 AM on April 13, 2012 [5 favorites]
I was almost killed by a drunk driver on Wednesday because I was looking at the map on my phone as I walked across a crosswalk on green. My boyfriend saved my life by pulling me out of the way. I only suffered skinned knees (he yanked me hard enough that I went down to the asphalt and he dragged me/I crawled out of the car's path.) I think a bear would've been worse. I also think I'm just gonna freakin' never use my phone for anything unless I'm sitting at home on my couch.
Watch, a piano will fall from the sky and kill me.
posted by thrasher at 10:26 AM on April 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
Watch, a piano will fall from the sky and kill me.
posted by thrasher at 10:26 AM on April 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
Apparently this happened in the guy's own driveway, which makes the walking-and-texting a little more understandable. Still funny, though.
posted by vorfeed at 10:28 AM on April 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by vorfeed at 10:28 AM on April 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
My aunt, whom live in a remote part of Alaska, usually sends us some Alaskan Christmas presents as would be expected: Salmon Jerky, Stuff from catalogs, and Home-canned goods. When I was 10 she got me a book titled Alaskan Bear Tales.
The back cover has this amazing quote [Google Books Scan of Back Cover]:
The back cover has this amazing quote [Google Books Scan of Back Cover]:
After chewing on my right shoulder, arm and side repeatedly, the bear began to bite my head and hear at my scalp. As I heard the horrible crunching sound of the bear's teeth biting into my skull, I realized it was all too hopeless....posted by wcfields at 10:28 AM on April 13, 2012 [5 favorites]
The other cool thing about black bears is that you're supposed to agress and make noise to scare them off
I was backpacking in the White Mountains once, snug in my bed inside a tent. It was about 5:30 AM when I heard a "whump", which is the unmistakable sound of a bag of food falling from a tree. I guess I didn't hang it high enough because I shined the light out of my tent and saw a black bear tearing into the bag about fifteen feet away from me. I was young and inexperienced, so yeah the food wasn't high enough or far enough away from the tent. I've since learned.
Once I got over the initial "there is a bear fifteen feet away from me" shock, I thought "ok, I'm supposed to make some noise and he will go away." So I grab a couple pots and pans and I start banging them together. No response. "GO BEAR! GET OUT OF HERE!" No response. Whistle. No response.
See, the thing about when a bear has food is nobody and nothing is going to take him away from the food. Also, once a bear has your food it is no longer your food. It is now his food.
Anyway, we just sat there for about a half hour, watching a black bear eat all our food. It was an amazing experience, being so close to this creature who could easily kill me, yet not being afraid of him. He had no interest in us, just our food. We had no food in our tent or on us. Once he was done eating he took a dump and wandered off into the woods, no doubt to do the same thing to the next campers.
We packed up, hiked out, and found the nearest McDonalds.
There is more to this story, part of which involves meeting a frightened naked guy and his frightened (but clothed) wife the night before, who warned us that there was a bear in the area, but I'll save that part of the story for when a texting guy almost runs into a naked guy.
posted by bondcliff at 10:30 AM on April 13, 2012 [36 favorites]
I was backpacking in the White Mountains once, snug in my bed inside a tent. It was about 5:30 AM when I heard a "whump", which is the unmistakable sound of a bag of food falling from a tree. I guess I didn't hang it high enough because I shined the light out of my tent and saw a black bear tearing into the bag about fifteen feet away from me. I was young and inexperienced, so yeah the food wasn't high enough or far enough away from the tent. I've since learned.
Once I got over the initial "there is a bear fifteen feet away from me" shock, I thought "ok, I'm supposed to make some noise and he will go away." So I grab a couple pots and pans and I start banging them together. No response. "GO BEAR! GET OUT OF HERE!" No response. Whistle. No response.
See, the thing about when a bear has food is nobody and nothing is going to take him away from the food. Also, once a bear has your food it is no longer your food. It is now his food.
Anyway, we just sat there for about a half hour, watching a black bear eat all our food. It was an amazing experience, being so close to this creature who could easily kill me, yet not being afraid of him. He had no interest in us, just our food. We had no food in our tent or on us. Once he was done eating he took a dump and wandered off into the woods, no doubt to do the same thing to the next campers.
We packed up, hiked out, and found the nearest McDonalds.
There is more to this story, part of which involves meeting a frightened naked guy and his frightened (but clothed) wife the night before, who warned us that there was a bear in the area, but I'll save that part of the story for when a texting guy almost runs into a naked guy.
posted by bondcliff at 10:30 AM on April 13, 2012 [36 favorites]
There is more to this story, part of which involves meeting a frightened naked guy and his frightened (but clothed) wife the night before, who warned us that there was a bear in the area, but I'll save that part of the story for when a texting guy almost runs into a naked guy.
Aw, man...
posted by zombieflanders at 10:32 AM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Aw, man...
posted by zombieflanders at 10:32 AM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
When I first saw this I thought it was this bear out for revenge. It's really gotten to the point on the internet that I feel like nothing is real. I kept waiting for the bear to come out of the confrontation walking on his hind legs texting on the phone - then getting attacked by the guy when his back is turned ending with some cheesy voiceover tagline like - "when you can't bear a moment without your phone - the new HTC Ursus"
posted by any major dude at 10:34 AM on April 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by any major dude at 10:34 AM on April 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
Or a clothed, texting bear almost runs into a naked guy.
posted by notionoriety at 10:35 AM on April 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by notionoriety at 10:35 AM on April 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
you can run from a bear as long as you're with someone that runs slower than you do....
posted by HuronBob at 10:36 AM on April 13, 2012
posted by HuronBob at 10:36 AM on April 13, 2012
This is why I never walk around outdoors unless accompanied by pack of fearsome wolves.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:38 AM on April 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:38 AM on April 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
Once he was done eating he took a dump and wandered off into the woods
This is big. Contrary to popular belief, the answer is "no - he shits in the campsite."
posted by Tehhund at 10:45 AM on April 13, 2012 [23 favorites]
This is big. Contrary to popular belief, the answer is "no - he shits in the campsite."
posted by Tehhund at 10:45 AM on April 13, 2012 [23 favorites]
Seems kind of an edge case.
posted by Artw at 10:47 AM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Artw at 10:47 AM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Or a clothed, texting bear almost runs into a naked guy.
I'm sure this has happened in a gay club somewhere.
posted by naju at 10:47 AM on April 13, 2012 [10 favorites]
I'm sure this has happened in a gay club somewhere.
posted by naju at 10:47 AM on April 13, 2012 [10 favorites]
He was texting his boss to let him know he might be late, because some crazy helicopter shit was happening right outside his house.
posted by helicomatic at 10:57 AM on April 13, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by helicomatic at 10:57 AM on April 13, 2012 [6 favorites]
Sometimes you text the bar, sometimes the bar texts you.
posted by yoink at 11:05 AM on April 13, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by yoink at 11:05 AM on April 13, 2012 [5 favorites]
To be fair, choppers are like flies in LA.
Yeah, in LA you look up if you don't hear a chopper, because the engine might have failed and it might be falling on your head.
posted by Huck500 at 11:19 AM on April 13, 2012 [8 favorites]
Yeah, in LA you look up if you don't hear a chopper, because the engine might have failed and it might be falling on your head.
posted by Huck500 at 11:19 AM on April 13, 2012 [8 favorites]
This happened near where I live, quite exciting stuff. I made an animated gif of it to celebrate.
posted by Argyle at 11:21 AM on April 13, 2012
posted by Argyle at 11:21 AM on April 13, 2012
The other cool thing about black bears is that you're supposed to agress and make noise to scare them off
Or you just say their name.
I grew up near the Smokies and we'd go camping a lot. Everyone knew the rules of dealing with bears and most of my friends had seen one up close on a hike. It was kind of a rite of passage, if a bear hadn't walked into your campsite, you hadn't camped enough.
One night, my boyfriend and I were roasting some hot dogs and I looked up and saw this youngish bear just ambling into camp. He was about 10 yards away from us and showed no sign of fear or being deterred by the fire. He was just casually walking into camp, just like the bear in the video.
Despite knowing very well that I was supposed to yell and make myself big and noisy to scare him off, the Disney dominated parte of my brain kicked in and I said, "Hey there Mr. Bear, how's it going?"
I swear, by the look on the bear's face, you would have thought I'd made a horrible ruckus. He jumped a bit and the turned tail and ran, pausing a ways away to look back at us. And not to anthromorphosize an animal overmuch, but I swear it looked like he was thinking, "Damn! Girl knows my name! Run!!"
posted by teleri025 at 11:23 AM on April 13, 2012 [18 favorites]
Or you just say their name.
I grew up near the Smokies and we'd go camping a lot. Everyone knew the rules of dealing with bears and most of my friends had seen one up close on a hike. It was kind of a rite of passage, if a bear hadn't walked into your campsite, you hadn't camped enough.
One night, my boyfriend and I were roasting some hot dogs and I looked up and saw this youngish bear just ambling into camp. He was about 10 yards away from us and showed no sign of fear or being deterred by the fire. He was just casually walking into camp, just like the bear in the video.
Despite knowing very well that I was supposed to yell and make myself big and noisy to scare him off, the Disney dominated parte of my brain kicked in and I said, "Hey there Mr. Bear, how's it going?"
I swear, by the look on the bear's face, you would have thought I'd made a horrible ruckus. He jumped a bit and the turned tail and ran, pausing a ways away to look back at us. And not to anthromorphosize an animal overmuch, but I swear it looked like he was thinking, "Damn! Girl knows my name! Run!!"
posted by teleri025 at 11:23 AM on April 13, 2012 [18 favorites]
I've taken people food away from black bears on numerous occasions. Usually as simple as approaching aggressively and yelling. Sometimes a little rock throwing does the trick. In my experience, pots and pans are like ringing the dinner bell, and whistles aren't much better. Never encountered scary behavior except when a friend got too close to one then ran, emboldening it. That one split when I hollered at it though (I've got good lungs).
Not a safe enterprise certainly, the wrong bear might be bad news. I'd be particularly cautious about a bear encountered out of its normal environment. But I don't like to see black bears get food-conditioned. Beautiful animals.
posted by Manjusri at 11:28 AM on April 13, 2012
Not a safe enterprise certainly, the wrong bear might be bad news. I'd be particularly cautious about a bear encountered out of its normal environment. But I don't like to see black bears get food-conditioned. Beautiful animals.
posted by Manjusri at 11:28 AM on April 13, 2012
Texteunt, pursued by a bear.
posted by Schlimmbesserung at 11:37 AM on April 13, 2012 [28 favorites]
posted by Schlimmbesserung at 11:37 AM on April 13, 2012 [28 favorites]
Nah, this is why you don't text while walking WEARING SOCKS WITH SANDALS!!! Fashion Bear on the case!
posted by Capricorn13 at 11:38 AM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Capricorn13 at 11:38 AM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'm with The World Famous, didn't actually watch this video until today. I grew up one town over (same mountain range). I didn't hear about bears coming down, but maybe that's just because I wasn't wired back then. We did find other interesting creatures in our backyard sometimes though (snakes, large unusual lizards, frogs, etc).
posted by Fricka at 11:58 AM on April 13, 2012
posted by Fricka at 11:58 AM on April 13, 2012
What a retard
jaymwright 2 minutes ago
Jay, on behalf of MetaFilter, I thank you for this unique and fascinating insight you YouTube users offer.
posted by crapmatic at 12:00 PM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
jaymwright 2 minutes ago
Jay, on behalf of MetaFilter, I thank you for this unique and fascinating insight you YouTube users offer.
posted by crapmatic at 12:00 PM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
This made me think of this. The bear part is almost at the end, but that's ok 'cause the rest of it's pretty funny too.
posted by daydreamer at 12:07 PM on April 13, 2012
posted by daydreamer at 12:07 PM on April 13, 2012
I also once woke up to the wump of the black bear, but in my case it was breaking into my tent. I yelled "holy fuck, it's a bear," and then started growling and barking at it, and if my tent-mates were not previously aware of how to deal with a black bear they caught on pretty quickly and soon enough we were all snarling like a bunch of rabid junkyard dogs. The bear found us highly disagreeable and promptly left, leaving us to sit there and reflect on what it is exactly that you've learned about a man after having woken up growling with him.
posted by invitapriore at 12:21 PM on April 13, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by invitapriore at 12:21 PM on April 13, 2012 [9 favorites]
Authorities believe this may be the same bear that broke into a garage last month and pried open a refrigerator to snack on some frozen meatballs.
I find this sentence endlessly amusing for some reason. The way it's phrased makes it sound as if the bear went to the freezer specifically to get some meatballs.
posted by ShutterBun at 12:25 PM on April 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
I find this sentence endlessly amusing for some reason. The way it's phrased makes it sound as if the bear went to the freezer specifically to get some meatballs.
posted by ShutterBun at 12:25 PM on April 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
A grizzly can outrun a horse, so running won't help.
Anyhow, you don't have to outrun the bear, just the guy you are with.
posted by mule98J at 12:30 PM on April 13, 2012
Anyhow, you don't have to outrun the bear, just the guy you are with.
posted by mule98J at 12:30 PM on April 13, 2012
To the haters (mostly on Youtube, not here) the guy was probably on his driveway. It's supposed to be safe to text there. :-)
posted by Malor at 12:31 PM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Malor at 12:31 PM on April 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
Vermont Governor Chased by Bears
Vermont Gov. Peter Shumlin (D) says he was chased and nearly caught by four bears that were raiding his birdfeeders, Vermont Public Radio reports.posted by kirkaracha at 12:41 PM on April 13, 2012 [3 favorites]
Shumlin said that "You almost lost the governor. Security was not there. I was within three feet of getting 'arrrh.'"
Meh, I've run into bears on my way to work. It isn't as exciting as you think. It's a lot like he's punching out and I'm punching in.
posted by Foam Pants at 12:47 PM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Foam Pants at 12:47 PM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
I used to have a pretty ho-hum attitude about bears until I started working in the Canadian Arctic. In Nunavut, polar bears aren't too common (relatively speaking), but they *could* be anywhere; this leads to an initially mild, but increasing, paranoia when you're cooking, disposing of waste, etc. in a remote camp.
The eye-opening thing is that while the 'scary' bears are generally believed to be grizzlies and polar bears, polar bear attacks are extremely rare, and black bears, like the one in this video, attack and kill almost as many people as grizzlies.
The take-home message is, whether you're tending to your remote camp in the High Arctic, or strolling through an alley in a major metropolitan area, BE AWARE; your bear-alert level should be a FIVE! AT ALL TIMES!
posted by TropicalWalrus at 12:47 PM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
The eye-opening thing is that while the 'scary' bears are generally believed to be grizzlies and polar bears, polar bear attacks are extremely rare, and black bears, like the one in this video, attack and kill almost as many people as grizzlies.
The take-home message is, whether you're tending to your remote camp in the High Arctic, or strolling through an alley in a major metropolitan area, BE AWARE; your bear-alert level should be a FIVE! AT ALL TIMES!
posted by TropicalWalrus at 12:47 PM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
No, the reason you don't text and walk is because I might be around, and I will not shift my path for oblivious you by one second of arc, you ignorant prick, and furthermore I will speed up and shoulder-barge you the fuck down, motherfucker. You'll wish you ran into a bear instead, believe me.
posted by Decani at 1:03 PM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Decani at 1:03 PM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
The next time I'm walking while texting in my own driveway, I'll keep my eye out for you.
posted by helicomatic at 1:06 PM on April 13, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by helicomatic at 1:06 PM on April 13, 2012 [7 favorites]
It's a lot like he's punching out and I'm punching in.
"Mornin', Sam." "Mornin', Ralph."
posted by kirkaracha at 1:10 PM on April 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
No, the reason you don't text and walk is because I might be around, and I will not shift my path for oblivious you by one second of arc, you ignorant prick, and furthermore I will speed up and shoulder-barge you the fuck down, motherfucker.
We got a badass over here.
posted by empath at 1:16 PM on April 13, 2012 [9 favorites]
We got a badass over here.
posted by empath at 1:16 PM on April 13, 2012 [9 favorites]
THERE IS NO APP FOR THAT
posted by drlith at 1:16 PM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by drlith at 1:16 PM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
OH JESUS FUCK
Sent from my iPhone
posted by shakespeherian at 1:22 PM on April 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
Sent from my iPhone
posted by shakespeherian at 1:22 PM on April 13, 2012 [4 favorites]
My favorite comment:
The bear is probably thinking is it because I'm black???
posted by drinkcoffee at 1:31 PM on April 13, 2012 [5 favorites]
The bear is probably thinking is it because I'm black???
posted by drinkcoffee at 1:31 PM on April 13, 2012 [5 favorites]
No, the reason you don't text and walk is because I might be around, and I will not shift my path for oblivious you by one second of arc, you ignorant prick, and furthermore I will speed up and shoulder-barge you the fuck down, motherfucker. You'll wish you ran into a bear instead, believe me.
Making the world a better place, one minor assault at a time.
Seriously dude, if that's the worst part of your day then I'd say life's pretty dandy.
posted by Dark Messiah at 1:47 PM on April 13, 2012
Making the world a better place, one minor assault at a time.
Seriously dude, if that's the worst part of your day then I'd say life's pretty dandy.
posted by Dark Messiah at 1:47 PM on April 13, 2012
According to a recent study the old wives tale about aggressive mama bears is actually not the biggest cause for concern when it comes to black bears. Huh.
So summary (for black bears):
* Black bear attacks are pretty rare, considering their numbers
* You can probably run from a mama bear protecting her cubs.
* You can probably run from a bear who is used to human contact.
* You should probably not run away from predatory male bears, but rather try to scare them off.
* Since you probably can't tell the sex of a bear in the heat of the moment, try not to run.
posted by muddgirl at 2:10 PM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
So summary (for black bears):
* Black bear attacks are pretty rare, considering their numbers
* You can probably run from a mama bear protecting her cubs.
* You can probably run from a bear who is used to human contact.
* You should probably not run away from predatory male bears, but rather try to scare them off.
* Since you probably can't tell the sex of a bear in the heat of the moment, try not to run.
posted by muddgirl at 2:10 PM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
I once had a female black bear charge me. I was trying to get it away from my camp by throwing pine cones, but accidentally hit one of her cubs. Oops. Very angry bear suddenly came right at me. Somehow, completely intuitively, I jumped up in the air and yelled. She stopped and turned away. Maybe she wouldn't have eaten me, maybe she was just making a show. But either way my lizard brain knew what to do.
The next morning I found a Toblerone box, one end carefully slit open, empty next to the fire ring. She had eaten the contents but left the box pristine. No foil was to be seen.
posted by johngumbo at 2:11 PM on April 13, 2012
The next morning I found a Toblerone box, one end carefully slit open, empty next to the fire ring. She had eaten the contents but left the box pristine. No foil was to be seen.
posted by johngumbo at 2:11 PM on April 13, 2012
Suddenly, and without warning, I now like Peter Shumlin.
(Previously I had found him sort of bland. What kind of a name is "Shumlin" anyway?)
posted by maryr at 3:29 PM on April 13, 2012
(Previously I had found him sort of bland. What kind of a name is "Shumlin" anyway?)
posted by maryr at 3:29 PM on April 13, 2012
We got a badass over here.
The picture in that link had no humor for me, because the left hand of the man in the picture is somehow a right hand that has some palm lines drawn on it.
posted by winna at 6:57 PM on April 13, 2012
The picture in that link had no humor for me, because the left hand of the man in the picture is somehow a right hand that has some palm lines drawn on it.
posted by winna at 6:57 PM on April 13, 2012
I'm about 5 miles South from Mr. Bear and all I got were some raccoons in the cement pond. :(
posted by zengargoyle at 7:56 PM on April 13, 2012
posted by zengargoyle at 7:56 PM on April 13, 2012
you can run from a bear as long as you're with someone that runs slower than you do....
Or be a faster texter so you'll finish and look up before he does.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 8:17 PM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
Or be a faster texter so you'll finish and look up before he does.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 8:17 PM on April 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
A bear there was, a bear, a BEAR! All black and brown and covered in hair.
posted by salmacis at 3:11 AM on April 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by salmacis at 3:11 AM on April 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
I have tons of advice on how to deal with confronting a bear, most of it useless, the only person I want to hear from is someone who's outsmarted a fucking bear.
I was hiking in the Smokies with my spouse, in an area we weren't technically supposed to be hiking. This was not because it was a hugely dangerous cliff face or anything, but because construction on the rural road had cut off access to the trailheads from all but old back routes and circuitous treks that most tourists didn't know and most residents didn't bother with.
It wasn't a long hike, maybe 3 miles, but steep grades and a twisting path meant you couldn't see up ahead very far in front of you. We were on our way to a waterfall and the distant sound of rushing water kept us from hearing the hungry male bear ahead of us until we turned the corner. He heard us, though, because although he'd been travellng perpendicular to the path, now he raised his head, sniffed the air and changed directions, coming right at us.
My first thought was, "Huh, that's not really so scary. he looks like a great big dog."
My next thought was, "You idiot, you OUGHT to be scared! Your flight or fight instincts are really screwed up. You do realize that's a fuckin' bear coming at you, right? And that he looks hungry?"
He really did look hungry, too. He was sniffing the air like he'd just scented something especially delicious.
My third thought was: "Aw, man, my backpack smells like bananas."
My husband, two steps ahead, backed into me and stopped. The bear stopped and looked at us hopefully. We had a standoff for a moment, while we both tried to look intimidating and scary (you don't want to mess with us, bear!) and yet not make eye contact (but we are totally unthreatening and not at all worth your time, really).
And then the bear feinted, lunging like he was going to charge.
The two of us sprung into action, breaking out of our temporary stupor. We yelled, waved our arms threateningly and made what we hoped were scary gestures in bear language.
My husband swung his backpack over his head. I distinctly recall him actually growling the words, "I'M BIGGER AND SCARIER THAN YOU, BEAR!"
Me, I went for the general "AWWWOOOOOOOOOWWWRRR!" howling dog approach. Somehow I had grabbed hold of a big stick, and I shook it menacingly as well, like I regularly skewered bears for breakfast.
NOW I was scared. Damned deceptive bears, trying to look all cute and doglike.
Meanwhile, my husband interrupted his bear trash-talking bear to whisper BACK UP BACK UP BACK UP urgently at me. And I was backing up, of course, but note that this is hard to do when you are trying to project BIG SCARY ANIMAL and also not look like you are in fact retreating all at the same time. And I KNEW the worst thing to do was turn and run.
The bear stopped, but kept his eye on us. He swayed back and forth, obviously puzzling out his next step. He kept sniffing the air. He clearly wanted the bananas, and we were not stupid, OF COURSE we would gladly have sacrificed our food. We considered throwing the backpack to one side and taking off in the other direction, in the hopes he would go for the bananary smell. Our logic went that, to a bear, delicious bananas > inclination to chase.
Probably.
But we were also aware of the fatal flaw in our plan, something the bear did not know: as far as the contents of my backpack went, bananas were conspicuously absent.
The fruit in question had gotten smooshed the day before in an unfortunate trunk-loading incident with our teenagers, and so we'd salvaged what we could, tossed the rest and cleaned all but the faint but pervasive scent of bananas from the pack.
So yeah, we MIGHT be able to distract the bear with our pack, but once he tore it apart, that hungry bear was going to be pissed.
Still, I'd removed the pack from my back and handed it to my husband (greater throwing arm range) as we were hollering, when the bear suddenly let out a kind of coughing, barking sound, making us jump--and then he just turned and ambled away.
And I do mean ambled, too; unlike us, that guy was in no hurry to leave. We watched every step he made as we took off down the path in the other direction, until he disappeared from our sight into the woods.
I don't really have any advice on out-smarting a bear, though. I don't think he was particularly afraid of us, either. I think the bananary smell was just slight enough he wasn't sure of it, and he just decided we were too much trouble to deal with when there might be bananas growing right out there in the open around the next corner.
posted by misha at 10:30 AM on April 14, 2012 [6 favorites]
I was hiking in the Smokies with my spouse, in an area we weren't technically supposed to be hiking. This was not because it was a hugely dangerous cliff face or anything, but because construction on the rural road had cut off access to the trailheads from all but old back routes and circuitous treks that most tourists didn't know and most residents didn't bother with.
It wasn't a long hike, maybe 3 miles, but steep grades and a twisting path meant you couldn't see up ahead very far in front of you. We were on our way to a waterfall and the distant sound of rushing water kept us from hearing the hungry male bear ahead of us until we turned the corner. He heard us, though, because although he'd been travellng perpendicular to the path, now he raised his head, sniffed the air and changed directions, coming right at us.
My first thought was, "Huh, that's not really so scary. he looks like a great big dog."
My next thought was, "You idiot, you OUGHT to be scared! Your flight or fight instincts are really screwed up. You do realize that's a fuckin' bear coming at you, right? And that he looks hungry?"
He really did look hungry, too. He was sniffing the air like he'd just scented something especially delicious.
My third thought was: "Aw, man, my backpack smells like bananas."
My husband, two steps ahead, backed into me and stopped. The bear stopped and looked at us hopefully. We had a standoff for a moment, while we both tried to look intimidating and scary (you don't want to mess with us, bear!) and yet not make eye contact (but we are totally unthreatening and not at all worth your time, really).
And then the bear feinted, lunging like he was going to charge.
The two of us sprung into action, breaking out of our temporary stupor. We yelled, waved our arms threateningly and made what we hoped were scary gestures in bear language.
My husband swung his backpack over his head. I distinctly recall him actually growling the words, "I'M BIGGER AND SCARIER THAN YOU, BEAR!"
Me, I went for the general "AWWWOOOOOOOOOWWWRRR!" howling dog approach. Somehow I had grabbed hold of a big stick, and I shook it menacingly as well, like I regularly skewered bears for breakfast.
NOW I was scared. Damned deceptive bears, trying to look all cute and doglike.
Meanwhile, my husband interrupted his bear trash-talking bear to whisper BACK UP BACK UP BACK UP urgently at me. And I was backing up, of course, but note that this is hard to do when you are trying to project BIG SCARY ANIMAL and also not look like you are in fact retreating all at the same time. And I KNEW the worst thing to do was turn and run.
The bear stopped, but kept his eye on us. He swayed back and forth, obviously puzzling out his next step. He kept sniffing the air. He clearly wanted the bananas, and we were not stupid, OF COURSE we would gladly have sacrificed our food. We considered throwing the backpack to one side and taking off in the other direction, in the hopes he would go for the bananary smell. Our logic went that, to a bear, delicious bananas > inclination to chase.
Probably.
But we were also aware of the fatal flaw in our plan, something the bear did not know: as far as the contents of my backpack went, bananas were conspicuously absent.
The fruit in question had gotten smooshed the day before in an unfortunate trunk-loading incident with our teenagers, and so we'd salvaged what we could, tossed the rest and cleaned all but the faint but pervasive scent of bananas from the pack.
So yeah, we MIGHT be able to distract the bear with our pack, but once he tore it apart, that hungry bear was going to be pissed.
Still, I'd removed the pack from my back and handed it to my husband (greater throwing arm range) as we were hollering, when the bear suddenly let out a kind of coughing, barking sound, making us jump--and then he just turned and ambled away.
And I do mean ambled, too; unlike us, that guy was in no hurry to leave. We watched every step he made as we took off down the path in the other direction, until he disappeared from our sight into the woods.
I don't really have any advice on out-smarting a bear, though. I don't think he was particularly afraid of us, either. I think the bananary smell was just slight enough he wasn't sure of it, and he just decided we were too much trouble to deal with when there might be bananas growing right out there in the open around the next corner.
posted by misha at 10:30 AM on April 14, 2012 [6 favorites]
Come for the bear video, stay for the misha.
posted by maryr at 11:12 AM on April 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by maryr at 11:12 AM on April 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
notionoriety: Texting is no excuse for not being prepared to see a bear right in front of you. There is no excuse. I am bear-ready 100% of the time. On a rollercoaster at Disneyland, you still need to be thinking, "What will I do, if there is suddenly a bear?"
And now Mefites finally know Stephen Colbert's alias here.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:42 AM on April 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
And now Mefites finally know Stephen Colbert's alias here.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:42 AM on April 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Or Dwight K Schrute's.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 3:00 PM on April 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 3:00 PM on April 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
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