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Fuck You Broccoli
April 23, 2012 12:20 PM   Subscribe

Fuck You, Broccoli - A non-judgmental outpouring of spite for vile vegetables, by MeFi's own MChelly. [via mefi projects]
posted by carsonb (139 comments total) 23 users marked this as a favorite

 
Yeah - and Bollocks to Beetroot!!
posted by gallus at 12:22 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Now let's all enjoy a nice cool glass of turnip juice.
posted by Navelgazer at 12:24 PM on April 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


I'm eating broccoli stems right now.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:25 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


i like broccoli is that ok
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 12:25 PM on April 23, 2012 [14 favorites]




"Artichokes - how is this even a food?"

Okay, I love this. MChelly rocks.

Do Asparagus next!
posted by zarq at 12:26 PM on April 23, 2012 [6 favorites]


Shh Parsnip, no one cares about you, you're safe here with me.
posted by The Whelk at 12:26 PM on April 23, 2012 [8 favorites]


I love broccoli.
I love carrots.
I love spinach.
Artichokes? Love 'em!
I like cauliflower.
Brussels Sprouts - yummy!
Baby corn - meh.
Kale - meh.

This site is not for me.
posted by bricksNmortar at 12:26 PM on April 23, 2012 [8 favorites]


the good thing about soups and stews is that if you don't really like the veggie you're putting in you can just season the damn thing however you like it.
posted by The Whelk at 12:28 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Do Asparagus next!

INTERNETS FISTICUFFS SIR



broccoli is totally vile though. this is a true fact.
posted by elizardbits at 12:28 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


How bizarre. My taste in vegetables seems to be the polar opposite of Mchelly's. Spinach, broccoli, artichokes and Brussels sprouts are delicious, but raw carrots and celery in any incarnation can both fuck right off.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:29 PM on April 23, 2012 [6 favorites]


Eggplant. It's the one true evil thing in this world.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:30 PM on April 23, 2012 [22 favorites]


I'm not vegetarian because I love animals, I'm vegetarian because I don't like vegetables.
posted by Fizz at 12:31 PM on April 23, 2012 [12 favorites]


Rhubarb tastes like a torture device from another planet however.
posted by The Whelk at 12:32 PM on April 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


The Best Broccoli of your Life

I beg to differ. Completely dry off two or three head and cut into florets, slicing thick parts of the stem just to under where they branch. Deep fry for 2 to 3 minutes, drain on paper towel, then quickly douse with malt vinegar and soy sauce.
posted by carsonb at 12:32 PM on April 23, 2012 [10 favorites]


LIMA BEANS. Lima!! Beans!!
posted by orrnyereg at 12:33 PM on April 23, 2012 [7 favorites]


And dammit, eggrolls. Eggrolls have every reason to be awesome: Chinese food, crispy fried outer cooking, spiced meat… and then you shit all over the insides and make them impossible to actually enjoy.

Finally, someone who gets me!
posted by zombieflanders at 12:34 PM on April 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


And all those antioxidants and micronutrients you're missing out on? They say "fuck you" right back.
posted by hell toupee at 12:34 PM on April 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


Oh man the way broccoli florets soak up stir-fry sauce so they're these little concentrated explosions of flavor? THE BEST.

The crispy broccoli thing is really good too, don't ask me to choose.
posted by speicus at 12:34 PM on April 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


I don't care how good quinoa is supposed to be for you, it tastes like shit. There, I said it!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 12:34 PM on April 23, 2012 [6 favorites]


I worked in a bookstore for most of the 90s. We had a fair range of political opinions, but we mostly kept the peace until someone mentioned George Bush Sr's opinions on broccoli. Then it was war!
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:34 PM on April 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


This site reminds me why I love the internet.
posted by newfers at 12:35 PM on April 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


The 10th Regiment of Foot: "I don't care how good quinoa is supposed to be for you, it tastes like shit. There, I said it!"

Rinse very thoroughly. Add cranberries. Soaked in rum. Delicious.
posted by zarq at 12:36 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I don't care how good quinoa is supposed to be for you, it tastes like shit.

Okay, so mrs ozzy has an affinity for alternative grains--brown rice, quinoa, fucking bulgur--and whenever she asks me if I want quinoa, my reflex is to gag and tell her where to shove it. I can't stand the way it smells while it's cooking.

But actually? I think it tastes pretty good.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:37 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I've tried it, just like I've tried brussel sprouts, lima (dust) beans, and cilantro in just about every form and they all should be limited in production to those people that try to grow lost "heritage" crops.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 12:39 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Okay, this is so awesome. Thanks (so much!) for upgrading it to MeFi and not simply throwing turnips in righteous indignation at me while I sit here eating only deep-fried and chocolate-coated goodness.

Vegetarians, I have nothing but goodwill for you. You're like those monks constantly self-flagellating with barbed spikes and then calling what they're feeling ecstasy. Respect.
posted by Mchelly at 12:43 PM on April 23, 2012 [18 favorites]


It's weird that I completely enjoy all of these vegetables and yet that I also completely agree with everything written on this site.
posted by notmydesk at 12:44 PM on April 23, 2012 [13 favorites]


I grew up hating most vegetables. It's taken me twenty years, but I can now tolerate thing like french beans, asparagus, spinach and lettuce (as long as it isn't bitter). All brassicas, however, taste like poison to me. Nature made them that way, as it happens, to deter pests. I'm inclined to believe that, if I were to crash-land my spacecraft on an alien planet in the company of a fellow astronaut who actually liked brussels sprouts, I'd be the one who didn't eat the deadly plants and die a horrible convulsing death.

My wife and I have done everything possible not to let our tastes influence those of our children. We've read the parenting articles. We've been careful to just put a variety of foods in front of them, provide gentle but neutral encouragement to try our new flavours, and make a point of carefully not making a fuss if they don't like something. And yet, the expression of utter betrayal that crosses their faces when they take a bite from a piece of cauliflower or mistake roasted parsnip for its innocent potato counterpart somehow makes me proud to be their dad.
posted by pipeski at 12:48 PM on April 23, 2012 [7 favorites]


Heh. I was eating chicken and broccoli stir fry when this was posted. I like the vast majority of vegetables I meet (I've even come to some understanding with cauliflower, using a similar recipe to the Best Broccoli of Your Life recipe upthread), but, but, but, the whole site is worth it just to abuse brussels sprouts. Because yuck.
posted by taz at 12:59 PM on April 23, 2012


You know who else didn't like broccoli? George (H.W.) Bush! You wanna be like him?

Broccoli (properly prepared) is delicious. And it gives you health and vitality and prevents cancer and all of that. And, while I'm here, can I just say "Fuck You Bacon!". (Cut-up smoked dead pig butts, now that's just gross!).
posted by crazy_yeti at 12:59 PM on April 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


I'm not sure I trust anyone older than 20 who doesn't like vegetables. (I'd say 15, but ok, some people take longer to grow the fuck up.) Doubly so for the far too many vegetarians I've known who somehow survive on cheese and starch.
posted by aspo at 1:00 PM on April 23, 2012 [7 favorites]


Hilarious.
posted by Outlawyr at 1:01 PM on April 23, 2012


oh man I just realized I can and have eaten broccoli out of the bag, like chips, completely unflavored and raw.

Yet I can't stand the stuff when cooked. What gives?
posted by The Whelk at 1:03 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


The sad thing is that those with power agree with this poorly written tumblr, lavishing billions of dollars of subsidies and advertising on bad food.
posted by markvalli at 1:03 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


What if Metafilter's main export was vile and vitriol?
posted by Danf at 1:03 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Eggplant. It's the one true evil thing in this world.

Eggplant gets a bad rep because so many people don't know how to properly prepare it. Call it an aubergine and try some decent recepies, you may well change your mind.
posted by charles kaapjes at 1:04 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


I used to hate quinoa. H-A-T-E it. Then we made it using chicken stock instead of water, and OMFG was it good! Serve with some sriracha and maybe a little soy sauce and it's mighty damned tasty.

Love broccoli, too, but the trick is to steam it so that it's al dente, or just a hair past that. Mushy broccoli = bad, but firm = yum. YMMV.
posted by mosk at 1:05 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


It's weird that I completely enjoy all of these vegetables and yet that I also completely agree with everything written on this site.

Yes! The artichoke one is hilarious.

(My hated veggies: onion, celery, lima beans, beets. Mostly texture issues.)
posted by epersonae at 1:05 PM on April 23, 2012


Eggplant. It's the one true evil thing in this world.

I see you haven't met the eminent Imam Bayildi.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 1:07 PM on April 23, 2012


The Best Broccoli of your Life

I made it. It wasn't all that. And he lies: cut it into "relatively big" florets and by the time the stems are edible the florets are dry and burned.

You want crispy bits on broccoli: cut it into thin slices and pan-fry.

But it's hard to beat brocolli simply steamed well -- not too far I SAID NOT TOO FAR -- with a squeeze of lemon and a sprinkle of salt.

(Also: Ina frickin' Garten. Figures.)
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 1:08 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Actually, looking back, I prefer almost all veggies raw - I can munch on something happily for hours but the instant heat touches it, blargh. OTTH, working on more stews has hammered home the anything-tastes-good-with-enough-salt-garlic-and-herbs thing.
posted by The Whelk at 1:08 PM on April 23, 2012


Sexy, spicy broccoli. So good.
posted by sevenyearlurk at 1:09 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Eggplant gets a bad rep because so many people don't know how to properly prepare it. Call it an aubergine and try some decent recepies, you may well change your mind.

QFT. For eggplant to be palatable, you need to sweat out the bitter juices before you cook it, a process called "degorging" of all things. This generally involves a few cups of kosher salt and a bunch of paper towels (or real towels, whatever) and about an hour. Forget or omit that step and they really do taste awful. Do it right and they're almost sweet.
posted by valkyryn at 1:09 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Baby corn gets 7/10 for not tasting of anthing? WTF?
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 1:13 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94: "The Best Broccoli of your Life"

How about this recipe:
  1. Take some broccoli
  2. Just fucking eat it
Seriously, I get that people have issues with certain tastes but broccoli is seriously the least offensive in flavor of maybe all vegetables. I thought even all kids love broccoli. Broccoli isn't bitter, isn't slimy, and looks cool. You can eat it raw, or steamed, or stir fried, and its tiny florets pick up the flavor of whatever you cook it in.

It tastes just fine on its own, or can be improved by the tiniest dash of salt or the most stingy squeeze of lemon. There's no need to season the hell out of it. This isn't collard greens we're talking about here.

All I'm saying is, if you don't like broccoli, maybe the problem isn't the broccoli, maybe the problem is you.

I realize them is fightin' words, but I feel this is the thread for fightin' words.
posted by Deathalicious at 1:13 PM on April 23, 2012 [22 favorites]


Broccoli, like most other brassicas, is just a cruel hour or so of monstrous gas lying fiendishly in wait for the unsuspecting consumer.
posted by elizardbits at 1:14 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I used to hate brussels sprouts until I tried roasting them with some balsamic vinegar.
posted by Runes at 1:15 PM on April 23, 2012 [5 favorites]


Next step: create a loosely associated, Ask MetaFilter spin-off tumblr: canIstilleatthis.tumblr.com, where Askers can simply submit photos of whatever it is they're not sure is safe to eat, and then people can respond with answers.

Those answers will always be "yes."
posted by tzikeh at 1:16 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Perfect Brussels sprouts:

Cut a thin slice off each sprout's end. Cut sprouts in half, top to bottom. Peel a few leaves off each half, while leaving centers intact. Toss sprout halves and loose leaves in a combination of olive oil (2T), rice wine vinegar (2T), salt and white pepper. Spread in single layer on (aluminum foil-/Silpat-covered) cookie sheet and roast at 400 degrees F for 10 minutes. Turn sprouts and leaves over and continue to roast for eight minutes.

Remove from oven and do battle with spouse over servings. Do not bother with forks.
posted by MonkeyToes at 1:16 PM on April 23, 2012 [9 favorites]


The Whelk: "oh man I just realized I can and have eaten broccoli out of the bag, like chips, completely unflavored and raw.

Yet I can't stand the stuff when cooked. What gives?
"

Have you tried it just barely cooked/blanched; i.e. thrown in hot water for a few seconds then plunged into ice cold water? You might like that better but then why bother if you like it raw? I like it raw too and I think it more closely resembles its cabbage brethren when eaten raw (you also might enjoy broccoli slaw).

If you've ever cooked broccoli for a long time you'll notice it gets a stinky smell. I'm pretty sure those are sulfur compounds. I think that cooking releases those compounds so that might be why you don't like the flavor (I don't mind it; if you hate hard boiled eggs that might be an indicator that you are hating on the sulfur).
posted by Deathalicious at 1:17 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


When I was a kid, I hated broccoli, but growing up in a rabidly anti-republican household, and given George Bush's comments on broccoli, I knew I could never say anything about not liking it.

It wasn't until well into adulthood that I came out to my parents as a broccoli-disliker. Fortunately, by then, we weren into the Clinton years, so we could laugh about it.
posted by rosa at 1:18 PM on April 23, 2012


Broccoli tastes bitter. Surely this must be some sort of fact? The stems feel so depressing in your mouth.

Cauliflower, on the other hand, is not bitter. If you do the above-linked roasted broccoli thing to cauliflower (lemon zest, garlic, olive oil, parmesan etc) it tastes excellent and also looks nice.

Broccoli is somehow also the wrong shade of green.
posted by colie at 1:20 PM on April 23, 2012


The key to quinoa is that you gotta toast it first. Just pour it in a wide skillet, turn on the heat, and stir frequently until it pops all over. Then add in some fat of your choice, stir until coated, and only after that just barely enough of your cooking liquid (well salted!) to get the job done. With this pilaf-y approach, I promise you none of that soapy awful "why didn't I just make couscous?" quantity.
posted by jocelmeow at 1:20 PM on April 23, 2012 [5 favorites]


Perfect Brussels sprouts:

Cut a thin slice off each sprout's end. Cut sprouts in half, top to bottom. Peel a few leaves off each half, while leaving centers intact. Toss sprout halves and loose leaves into a nearby rabbit.

Remove chicken and roast potatoes from oven and serve to relieved spouse.
posted by pipeski at 1:22 PM on April 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


bricksNmortar: "Kale - meh."

There are a lot of varieties of kale and they actually taste fairly different. You may be interested in trying lacinato kale, also called "dinosaur" or "Tuscan" kale. It's especially good as a simple salad, raw, with good balsamic vinegar.

Kale is also great in soups, just cook in water with onions and any beloved vegetables and then blend until just beyond chunky.

I've never really liked kale as I was traditionally served it -- steamed with a bit of salt -- but love it as a soup or, when using dinosaur kale, as a salad.
posted by Deathalicious at 1:23 PM on April 23, 2012


I feel it is important to point out this hatred of and ignorance about vegetables is largely an American phenomenon. We are doing this to ourselves.
posted by polymodus at 1:23 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


QFT. For eggplant to be palatable, you need to sweat out the bitter juices before you cook it, a process called "degorging" of all things.

I have had good luck pickling little Japanese eggplants.
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:23 PM on April 23, 2012


The same species gets covered four times so far (broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, brussels sprouts are all breeds of the same plant, let's see how many of the others he gets to - kale, chinese kale, chinese broccoli?).
posted by idiopath at 1:25 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


This Black Beans and Quinoa is my favorite simple recipe that includes quinoa and tastes awesome. No help for the cilantro hating mutants though.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 1:29 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


valkyryn: "Eggplant gets a bad rep because so many people don't know how to properly prepare it. Call it an aubergine and try some decent recepies, you may well change your mind.

QFT. For eggplant to be palatable, you need to sweat out the bitter juices before you cook it, a process called "degorging" of all things. This generally involves a few cups of kosher salt and a bunch of paper towels (or real towels, whatever) and about an hour. Forget or omit that step and they really do taste awful. Do it right and they're almost sweet.
"

It depends on the recipe. There are some which actually call for the eggplant to be roasted or boiled whole. This works especially well for very, very fresh eggplant (think bought from a farmer that day), because the bitterness I think comes from the seeds which sort of develop in the fruit as it sits around. It's also more prominent in large eggplants; I find smaller eggplants are almost always less bitter.

With very fresh, small eggplants (ones that looks like these), you can simply slice it into thick slices and steam it with no other actions taken and it will be sweet, creamy and delicious.
posted by Deathalicious at 1:30 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


She's choppin' broccoli.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:30 PM on April 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


I feel it is important to point out this hatred of and ignorance about vegetables is largely an American phenomenon. We are doing this to ourselves.

Broccoli tastes bitter. Surely this must be some sort of fact?

IMO, one big issue with the American palate is that we tend to get acclimated at an early age to everything being way too sweet, and we tend to equate "sweet=good" and "bitter=bad". But, bitter flavors - arugula, radicchio, etc - are respected and appreciated in many other cultures (e.g. Italy). Like a nice Campari cocktail on a hot afternoon - yeah, it's bitter, but why is that bad? You just have to learn to appreciate it. It's a grown-up thing. But our (American) culture keeps sending the wrong kind of messages, due to advertising, agribusiness, etc, so people's palates never mature, and they keep eating stuff like McDonalds, loaded with sugar.

Recently I was poring through a used bookstore and found a book called "The Sensuous Artichoke". Apparently, in Italy, people think artichokes are sexy. And, I think they are right!
posted by crazy_yeti at 1:30 PM on April 23, 2012 [7 favorites]


Baby corn does suck. The rest of these I disagree with.
posted by nathancaswell at 1:32 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I love artichokes, but have no defense against this criticism:
Too lacking in flavor to give anyone an excuse to eat you for your own sake, instead you’re slathered in hollandaise, garlic butter, “Ranch” dressing… the thicker the better. You’re basically a nasty mayonnaise-delivery system. You take the most elegant, sophisticated diners and turn them into hayseeds sucking sauce through their front teeth and leaving behind an oily, wilted pile of spit-laden gnawed leaves in grotesque pyramids of compostable material
Also, too bad reality television wasn't around when artichokes were first discovered. Would have been very entertaining to see the trial and error of folks going through the not obvious process of determining what the edible and inedible parts were.
posted by The Gooch at 1:33 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


broccoli is totally vile though. this is a true fact.

I actually wondered if you liked broccoli, based on one of your questions.

That distaste is one of the things-- one of the only possible things, I'd think-- you share with George H. W. Bush.

Broccoli contains thiouracil, a thyroid blocker once commonly used in feedlots to make animals gain weight before slaughter, but now banned.

Oh, and a form of thiouracil is the chemical used to distinguish supertasters from ordinary mortals, so no wonder broccoli is bitter to some.
posted by jamjam at 1:39 PM on April 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Does anybody else like vegetables just fine, but literally (literally) gag on raw carrots? I always have, and recently discovered my little sister does too. I've been wondering if it's one of those genetic things like being able to smell asparagus in your pee.

Broccoli is one of my favourite vegetables. It delicious, it has texture, and you have to admit it does look like a tree.
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 1:43 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I like broccoli AND bacon. DiD I JuSt BlOw YoUR MinD?!?!
posted by speicus at 1:51 PM on April 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


Old: WTF Broccoli?
posted by carsonb at 1:56 PM on April 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


Could you wrap broccoli in bacon and then deep fry it? I... I think you could. Oh dear.
posted by carsonb at 1:57 PM on April 23, 2012


Brassica vegetables all contain sulfur-based organic compounds. Sulfur: the Devil's favourite element, atomic number 666.
posted by elgilito at 2:02 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Brussels sprouts fried in bacon fat with onions is divine.

For years, my go-to don-wanna-cook meal was tortellini with about an equal amount of broccoli florets added in the last minute to just blanch, then sauced with pesto---or if I was really lazy just basil and butter. Makes my mouth water just thinking about it.
posted by bonehead at 2:05 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


this thread has somehow inspired me to make arugula soup tonight.
posted by The Whelk at 2:07 PM on April 23, 2012


I like broccoli AND bacon. DiD I JuSt BlOw YoUR MinD?!?!

The "Hypocrite Burger", the veggie burger topped with bacon, is one of the most fun foods to order in a restaurant.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 2:08 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


The best broccolli you've ever had in your life

Got that recipe off of AskMe last week, made it last Thursday, still talking about how good it was.

SO GOOD
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 2:14 PM on April 23, 2012


The Whelk: "this thread has somehow inspired me to make arugula soup tonight."

Beer Cheese Soup. With broccoli.
posted by zarq at 2:15 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Rhubarb tastes like a torture device from another planet however.

Until you team it up with strawberries in pie and then it is the BEST THING EVER.
posted by mightygodking at 2:22 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Isn't that just watery fondue?
posted by The Whelk at 2:22 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


For eggplant to be palatable, you need to sweat out the bitter juices before you cook it, a process called "degorging" of all things.

As long as you don't let aubergine oxidise between cutting and cooking (which means getting it in the pan/on the grill within 2 minutes and flipping after 30 seconds high heat), and actually cook it through until soft, you can pretty much eliminate degorging from your life. I never bother anymore.
posted by howfar at 2:28 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Zuccini, you can die in a fire.

Also, I have taught my children and, when I am I able, my children's children to hate you. UNTO THE FOURTH GENERATION.
posted by DU at 2:29 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Roast some slivered almonds in butter or oil til light brown, add finely chopped zucchini, ideally very young and small, toss and cook til firm over med heat. Add some chopped parlsey for flavor. Tastes like fried almond candy, perfect with any protien.
posted by The Whelk at 2:40 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I like grilled zucchini and summer squash. Just cut into long, thick sticks, then roast over an open flame till there are awesome grill marks all over. Munch. My mom would always burn the burgers, but the zucchini was incredibly delicious.
posted by Night_owl at 2:54 PM on April 23, 2012


It's also good fired in panko.
posted by The Whelk at 2:57 PM on April 23, 2012


Bitter melon has no right to exist.

Also I hate kombu.
posted by fatehunter at 3:00 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I never understood the "I hate brussel sprouts" crowd. Never understood the hate on broccoli or collards (I adore thee, collards!) or cauliflower or cabbage. Pretty much all the brassicas taste sweet and/or mineral-y (in a good way) to me. Kale is curly and thus "itchy" on the insides of my mouth but the flavor is fine. My problem there is texture.

My brother's wife, one day, asked me for real if I honestly liked brussel sprouts or if I were just eating them because they were good for me. Since I do not eat vegetables to be "good for me" unless I ALSO like the way that they taste, I said as much to her. She was floored. Apparently all brassicas taste bitter and horrible and nasty to her, like non-food items. She's tried repeatedly in her adult life to eat these things and they taste horrible to her every time. (I have the same non-food-item taste problem with things fish and swimmy, including all aquatic invertebrates.)
posted by which_chick at 3:06 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


distinguish supertasters from ordinary mortals

Oh I knew this was going to get thrown out there. Newsflash! 99%* of people (a scientific fact made up just 10 seconds ago, look it up!) who claim they don't like vegetables because they are a super taster are full of shit. It's just like how 10 years ago all people who had social issues suddenly decided they had aspergers because it sounds lot better than "socially awkward".

* The other one percent are just fussy eater who also happen to be "supertasters".
posted by aspo at 3:06 PM on April 23, 2012


crazy_yeti: You just have to learn to appreciate it. It's a grown-up thing.

I didn't like liver as a child and I still don't like liver now. I don't "have to learn to appreciate" anything. That doesn't mean I'm not a grown-up; it means I don't fucking like liver.

yeah, it's bitter, but why is that bad?

Because I find "bitter" unpalatable. That you equate that with some kind of arrested development is ridiculous.
posted by tzikeh at 3:07 PM on April 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


Broccoli does, in fact, suck. Along with its cousin, cauliflower. They're fine if you cook them in butter and garlic, sure, but anything tastes fine if you cook it in butter and garlic. And sorry, just adding cheese, even good cheese, does not redeem the utter tastelessness of broccoli. At least cauliflower has the integrity to look like it tastes--broccoli is that bright green color that tricks you into thinking it's an actual tasty vegetable, like asparagus. But no, broccoli is the Olive Garden of vegetables: bland, ubiquitous, and almost completely unaware of how much it sucks.
posted by zardoz at 3:08 PM on April 23, 2012


Roasted Brussels sprouts with balsamic reduction. Mouthgasm.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 3:09 PM on April 23, 2012


I think I can understand the brussels sprouts things because I to have a violent NO THIS IS NOT FOOD reaction to a lot of fish and seafood in general, it's got to be fried and covered in crystal BBQ before I'll go near it.


I do however also like mustard so strong it makes your eyes water, biting into a red onion as an alternate to coffee, and just straight up spreading cured lard on a cracker as a side to roast chicken hearts so maybe I don't have the most normal diet.
posted by The Whelk at 3:09 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


What's with all the people who don't like bitter things? You guys like beer and coffee, right?
posted by ryanrs at 3:16 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


And tea! And decent herbal liquors!
posted by The Whelk at 3:19 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Y'all make me sad. Caldo verde with lots of kale is delicious; kale's also good with lots of peanuts and blackeyed peas and vinegar, yum. Zucchini is bizarrely good lightly sauteed (keep it crisp-tender, not deflated) with some onion, garlic, smoky canned tomatoes, corn, and oregano (similar to how okra's scrumptious barely sauteed with garlic, red pepper flakes, and canned tomatoes). Rhubarb is awesome with poached fish a la Joyce Goldstein's Square One's Passover season menu (also pretty good roasted for dessert, and in coffee cake with a brown crumble topping it's awesome because it runs down to the bottom and kind of caramelizes and makes the whole cake moist and fresh/zippy yet caramel-sweet). Artichokes are my favorite thing to put in a lightened version of Eggs Florentine for brunch. Brussels sprouts in place of cabbage in colcannon, or roasted (like just about every non-watery vegetable) are the bomb. Hell, even my mom's old skool prepped cauliflower--simply steamed or lightly boiled and topped with cheese sauce--is good. So's casseroles that resemble strattas with parcooked cauliflower suspended in eggs, cream, cheese, and browned bacon and baked in a hot oven for a half hour or so, then broiled to brown the top. And yeah, scorched-to-shit stovetop broccoli simply dressed with stuff like stir fry seasonings or red pepper flakes, yum. So many delicious foods.
posted by ifjuly at 3:19 PM on April 23, 2012 [6 favorites]


What's with all the people who don't like bitter things? You guys like beer and coffee, right?

No.
posted by tzikeh at 3:21 PM on April 23, 2012 [6 favorites]


Oh, and speaking of Amateur Gourmet (Mefi's own adrober!), his Peppadew Pork Chops with Cauliflower are another fine example of how veggies can be lightning fast and do a lot of heavy lifting in terms of a meal's structure, texture, and flavor.
posted by ifjuly at 3:22 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Next you're going to tell me you don't like fennel, or pears, or some crazy talk like that.
posted by ifjuly at 3:22 PM on April 23, 2012


Everything on MChelly's site is true! All of the posts that claim to love the aforementioned inedible "foods" are written by a vast veggie conspiracy. I know those things taste like crap. You know they taste like crap and it drives the veggies crazy when the truth is put forth because THEY know it tastes like crap! If a child won't eat it unless forced by starvation, that's nature's way of saying something's wrong.
(Yeah, I quoted Randy California. Sue me.)
posted by TDavis at 3:23 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


I'm sitting here eating a delicious vegan casserole right now, and I still say fuck everything about brussels sprouts. Yes, I've tried them cooked like that, but you're wrong and they're still vile.

They can go sit over there by the durian and leave me the hell alone.

That site is hilarious.
posted by Space Kitty at 3:29 PM on April 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


I'm meh on broccoli. If it's on my plate I'll eat it and even enjoy it, but it's not something I actively seek out. Brussels sprouts, though, are freaking delicious and I would eat them every day. And I've yet to meet a legume I dislike. But cauliflower? Yuck. It's like broccoli's less-fortunate sibling who was confined to the attic as a child. I don't get the dislike for parsnips. They taste like whatever you cook them with. As do rutabagas. And just save me the greens from the turnips and a little cornbread for sopping the pot likker and we'll get along fine.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 3:42 PM on April 23, 2012


Parsnips are like potatoes that taste like something, I don't get the antipathy.
posted by The Whelk at 3:44 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


That's the point, The Whelk. These people don't like tasting things. Lord knows why they even bother to eat.
posted by ryanrs at 3:46 PM on April 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Pfft, I find broccoli kind of bland now. If you want incredibly bitter vegetables rapini is where its at.
Oh, and for the record, regarding brussel sprouts, cut them in half and stick them under the broiler till brown. Same as asparagus, though minus the cutting in half. Steaming is for chumps.
posted by Pink Fuzzy Bunny at 4:00 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


These people don't like tasting things.

Well, not yucky things, that's for sure.

I dunno, a lot of these "yes, but if you only tried cooking them like this..." comments sound an awful lot to me like, "but my cat is different, she's much more like a dog" apologia than ringing endorsements.


oh yeah, I went there. "These people." Sheesh.
posted by Mchelly at 4:53 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


i like broccoli is that ok

I love broccoli and I love kale. Does that make me a "foodie"? Because I was watching a Conan O'Brien clip (fuck if I know why, I can't stand that guy) about people in his office and a secret email list that gets sent around whenever free food turns up to the office (from sponsors or whatever), and they all appear from nowhere and eat it. And the email list was called 'Foodies'. Apparently you are a "foodie" if...you eat food.
posted by tumid dahlia at 5:01 PM on April 23, 2012


ryanrs: These people don't like tasting things. Lord knows why they even bother to eat.

Dude, seriously. You need to take a step back and realize how condescending you're being.
posted by tzikeh at 5:05 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Deep fry for 2 to 3 minutes, drain on paper towel, then quickly douse with malt vinegar and soy sauce.

Yeah, but, just about anything deep fried and then covered in salt is going to be good.
posted by tumid dahlia at 5:05 PM on April 23, 2012


I don't care how good quinoa is supposed to be for you, it tastes like shit.

Omg what the hell is wrong with you people? *tears at own face*
posted by tumid dahlia at 5:07 PM on April 23, 2012


To quote cortex, I'd eat my own thumb battered in tempura.
posted by The Whelk at 5:10 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Yeah good luck maneuvering the chopsticks on that one buddy.
posted by tumid dahlia at 5:11 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Variety, complexity and even challenge are personally interesting and exciting to me in food. But like any aesthetic experience, people have their own preferences, and some people are more driven to expand their appreciation of certain things than others. Being into food is no more laudable than being into painting or the films of Nicolas Cage, it might be personally enriching and even socially interesting, or it might manifest in you being a prig or a bore. Similarly, attacking vegetables for fun is funny, doing it in deadly earnest would probably be a tiresome waste of time, just like earnestly criticising most things someone else likes.

Or Y'know...people like different stuff n shit.
posted by howfar at 5:12 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


All condescending is intentional! My comments are completely serious!
posted by ryanrs at 5:12 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I've always loathed cauliflowers with a passion only exceeded by my hatred of pumpkin, zucchini, squashes, carrots broccoli, brussel sprouts, cabbage, peas, eggplants, BABY CORN, regular corn, artichokes, and choko, but last week I was feeling lazy and didn't bother cooking any vegetables to go with my dinner and just ate them raw and it turns out raw cauliflower is super, super delicious. So delicious! Who knew? Maybe I'll just never steam my vegies again. Well, except potatoes. Those suckers need to be cooked.
posted by Lina Lamont at 5:15 PM on April 23, 2012


All vegetables, especially green ones, are marvellous. They make you strong like bull, fart like thunderclap. I like vegetables.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:36 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Brandon Blatcher: "Eggplant. It's the one true evil thing in this world."

It's Bond villain name is Dr. Aubergine.
posted by arcticseal at 5:39 PM on April 23, 2012 [5 favorites]


Lemme just boil this thread down:

Your favorite vegetable sucks.

(Serve with garlic and a little butter. Mmmmm)
posted by Bill Peschel at 6:09 PM on April 23, 2012


English Peas

Ingredients

1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter
2 cans (14 1/2-ounces) English peas, drained

Directions

Melt the butter in small pot and add the peas. Cook over medium heat until peas are warm.

posted by furiousxgeorge at 6:18 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Eight posts is "in depth?"
posted by timsteil at 7:21 PM on April 23, 2012


I love rainbow chard. It's beautiful!
posted by the young rope-rider at 7:41 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


I like broccoli, with butter and cheese, but still. and broccoli rabe is fucking amazing.
posted by jonmc at 8:03 PM on April 23, 2012


Whatever. My grandmother's artichokes, slow-roasted with garlic and olive oil, would change your whole life. Upon tasting them, every other moment and experience seemed pale and strangely thin by comparison, and you felt somehow ashamed that you had not made more of yourself. But this feeling would immediately recede in the face of a far stronger feeling of comfort, as though you were suddenly in the presence of an immense and compassionate intelligence beyond your own ability to comprehend. You would find yourself crying quietly to yourself because you knew, deep down, somehow, that it was all going to be okay. I'm not even kidding.

Sadly, she took that recipe with her to the grave.
posted by gauche at 8:15 PM on April 23, 2012


Chinese swamp cabbage. Pretty much all veg is good in my book, but I should have known from the name it couldn't not taste like ass. So grassy and stringy and ugh.
posted by pickingupsticks at 8:34 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I deeply enjoy this site. Especially since (a) I usually prefer fruit to vegetables, (b) I really super hate cooked vegetables--why take the juicy crunchiness of vegetables and ruin them by making them stewy and mushy?!-- and (c) the author definitely has a point about artichokes. Really, who thought of that as a food to eat? And came up with the "scrap the paste off the leaves" idea?!

I used to eat broccoli, until I realized that it tasted like a fake plastic tree and what was the point of wasting stomach space on that? Though when it's in broccoli salad, with whatever that sauce that's on it, it actually has a flavor and I'll eat it then.

Lima beans, though, need to be covered. Paste covered in plastic, man. But really, that's all beans. Those nasty refried brown beans that cover a third of every plate at the Mexican restaurants...ugh! People want to eat that?! It kinda looks like poop soup on your plate!
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:06 PM on April 23, 2012


Heh, just ate a big plate of this for dinner. Knew refried beans would come up. Made this Espresso Black Bean Chili last week. Beans are great at absorbing flavor, not everything has to be great on its own.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 9:21 PM on April 23, 2012


In one of Roy Blount Jr's books is a section of poems about food. One is:

The local groceries are all out of broccoli,
Loccoli.


I'm also fond of Song to Okra.
posted by neuron at 9:27 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I laughed so hard that my guy interrupted Zombie Killing time to make sure I was ok! I love all the vegetables mentioned, but this guy thinks he hates cabbage? Cabbage is NICE! He needs to meet kišela kupis! Let me explain, kišela kupis is a terrifying Balkan WMD disguised as a sort of harmless cabbage. It actually doesn't taste too bad, much better than it's German cousin sauerkraut! Slightly saltier, less sharp. Served cut up with a little sunflower oil, salt and pepper, I actually like it.
Here is the problem.. Make me eat this stuff a day or two, and I bloat up. I will look four months pregnant. I am not. Not possible. All relevant equipment shut down.

After say a week of this bloating, the gas starts escaping, slowly and odiferously... No. One. Wants. To. Be. Anyplace. Near. Me! I don't blame them! Last time I ate that diabolical stuff, I longed for a week-long Out Of Body Experience.
It is the One Thing about life in Bosnia I have mo wish to ever encounter again...
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 10:35 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh, absolutely new potatoes don't have to be cooked!
A Russian way of fixing them is to cut then in thin slices. Put some sunflower oil on them, and some white vinegar, with thin sliced onions. I like to add thin slices of garlic. Add dill weed, salt and
pepper. Let it sit in the fridge an hour or so. I like it next to smoked salmon. Or canned sardines, or kipper snacks, or Rīga sprats.
It's actually pretty nice.
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 11:11 PM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Bring on the durian.

I used to visit a shopping mall that had an outlet selling nothing but durian. It was a shed on the far side of the car park.
posted by colie at 11:38 PM on April 23, 2012


Growing up, I was fed criminally overcooked food. Roast beef, lamb and chicken were cooked too long and were hard, dry and tasteless. Vegetables were most often boiled almost until they disintegrated.

Once I started cooking myself, it didn't take long to figure out optimum cooking times for various vegies hitherto cursed. Both broccoli and cabbage have made the transition from sulphury green/brown mess to vibrant green and crispy and I haven't looked back.

Well, except for brussel sprouts. Maybe I'm still not doing it right but they're the only vegetable that still makes me gag. So ashen sweet - blah!
posted by Start with Dessert at 11:59 PM on April 23, 2012


Right,

so the big question what that site plus the thread here have raised for me now is the following:

1) Pasta with spinach, creme fraiche and bits of bacon

or

2) mashed potatos, some sort of collards or kale mixed in (depends on what the supermarket got) and bits of bacon

for dinner tonight?
posted by MartinWisse at 12:30 AM on April 24, 2012


For sheer gas output from veggies, nothing holds a candle (heh) to kimchi or kimchi-style fermented vegetables. Especially the baby icicle turnips one that still has the greens attached. Maybe even served with some cheonggukjang (natto). Blistering. Add gochujang for a new pain componenent. Expect exile.

As for eggplant, baba ghanoush. Cut in half lengthwise, place on lightly oiled cookie sheet, 400F for 45 mins, let cool and scoop innards into food processor. Add lemon juice, salt, tahini and garlic to taste. Whirl. I've never had a bitter batch. Stir a spoonful into your marinara right before serving for a real taste treat.
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 12:44 AM on April 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


I love these descriptions of things that I both love and hate.

Personally, I hate pulses and legumes (there are not exceptions to make qualifying them worthwhile). Pasty, nasty things! I can go into denial about them if they're buried deeply enough in other stuff like curries. Kinda. Sometimes.

I will allow others their delights, I guess, but I'll never love them (pulses and legumes, I mean. The people who love them probably have their good points).

PS. This is the best brassica ever.
posted by h00py at 2:29 AM on April 24, 2012


One of the worst things about being British is having to listen to the annual complaints about Xmas dinner brussels sprouts.

Many take a perverse pride in 'having' to include them, even though they can't stand them, but this is apparently less suprising than those of us who eat brussels because we actually like them.
posted by Quantum's Deadly Fist at 2:36 AM on April 24, 2012


PS. This is the best brassica ever.

The first time I saw Romanesco broccoli, I didn't believe it. It looks like a vegetable designed by math teachers.
posted by gauche at 5:55 AM on April 24, 2012 [7 favorites]


The Gooch: "I love artichokes, but have no defense against this criticism:
Too lacking in flavor to give anyone an excuse to eat you for your own sake, instead you’re slathered in hollandaise, garlic butter, “Ranch” dressing… the thicker the better. You’re basically a nasty mayonnaise-delivery system. You take the most elegant, sophisticated diners and turn them into hayseeds sucking sauce through their front teeth and leaving behind an oily, wilted pile of spit-laden gnawed leaves in grotesque pyramids of compostable material
Also, too bad reality television wasn't around when artichokes were first discovered. Would have been very entertaining to see the trial and error of folks going through the not obvious process of determining what the edible and inedible parts were.
"

Artichokes are loaded in flavor and dipping them in ranch dressing is a *travesty*. That said, I loved them dipped in melted garlic butter as a kid, but frankly, lots of things taste good dipped in melted butter including lobster which has this (well-deserved) reputation of being delicious.

If you want to taste artichokes without a lot of overdressing, there are plenty of ways to eat them simply. I've never gotten to eat them but apparently the most delicious of all is carciofi alla giudia (deep fried artichokes, "Jewish style") which are not eating in the traditional leaf-picking manner.
posted by Deathalicious at 6:06 AM on April 24, 2012


h00py: "I love these descriptions of things that I both love and hate.

Personally, I hate pulses and legumes (there are not exceptions to make qualifying them worthwhile). Pasty, nasty things! I can go into denial about them if they're buried deeply enough in other stuff like curries. Kinda. Sometimes.
"

Does that include things like peas and peanuts? Just curious.
posted by Deathalicious at 6:25 AM on April 24, 2012


Start with Dessert: "Well, except for brussel sprouts. Maybe I'm still not doing it right but they're the only vegetable that still makes me gag. So ashen sweet - blah!"

You *might* like them steamed until fork tender, then mashed with salt, pepper, and a bit of butter. When my dad did this, it was the first time I liked them. The advantage of this method is, unlike methods where they're roasted or deep-fried, this won't make them sweeter.
posted by Deathalicious at 6:28 AM on April 24, 2012


(Well, I meant to say not enough exceptions but you hit on the two that I can tolerate and it's taken me many years to tolerate peas. They are pasty still, though. A tolerable pasty luckily enough.)
posted by h00py at 6:33 AM on April 24, 2012


As for eggplant, baba ghanoush. Cut in half lengthwise, place on lightly oiled cookie sheet, 400F for 45 mins, let cool and scoop innards into food processor

I'd really recommend fork mashing over food processing for mutabal/baba ghanoush/etc. It's not notably more work and gives a much more interesting texture. And cumin sprinkled on top please.
posted by howfar at 7:35 AM on April 24, 2012


Zarq - got your asparagus up (finally)
posted by Mchelly at 4:43 AM on May 11, 2012


As a sophisticated European, I approve of this message.
posted by arcticseal at 6:30 AM on May 11, 2012


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