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You say worst, I say greatest.
April 25, 2012 5:23 PM   Subscribe

Drew, creator of Toothpaste For Dinner (and KOMPRESSOR, CRUDBUMP and Married To The Sea with wife Natalie Dee), has a new blog: The Worst Things For Sale. Highlights include the riot police shower enclosure, tub of 9,000 live ladybugs, and $78k ancient fertility statue (which even the sole product reviewer admits is highly dangerous). All products handily available on Amazon.
posted by hot soup girl (50 comments total) 39 users marked this as a favorite

 
I am a regular purchaser of tubs o' ladybugs. Pshaw, I say.
posted by feckless at 5:26 PM on April 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


I was just reading this 20min ago and considering posting it. So weird and great, it's like a Skymall catalog exploded.
posted by mathowie at 5:31 PM on April 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


For the little asshole who has everything, the $399 Blast Zone Ball Kingdom is a great way to kill a square section of your lawn and keep your prince or princess away from the horror of public bounce houses.

I grew up in a time before bounce houses, so I’d imagine stepping into one of these bad ideas would be like suffocating inside a balloon that threatens to close in on you. But it might be that in the age of helicopter parenting, a smothering plastic piece of shit feels like home.


The Kunstler is strong here.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 5:35 PM on April 25, 2012 [5 favorites]


feckless: "I am a regular purchaser of tubs o' ladybugs. Pshaw, I say."

I've mailordered earthworms, so I guess my views might be suspect here.
posted by workerant at 5:43 PM on April 25, 2012


Wait, what? TFD is created here, the heart of the heart of it all? Next thing you know you'll be telling me we both buy coffee at Stauf's or something.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 5:59 PM on April 25, 2012


The Magic Flight Launch Box is most certainly not one of the Worst Things For Sale... but yeah, I guess it's probably not all that great for asthma.

Also: can't stop laughing
posted by vorfeed at 6:02 PM on April 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


The CDC has officially classified Morgellons as delusional parasitosis. It’s despicable, then, that companies are selling products which claim to treat Morgellons. The real treatment for this condition is therapy and medication, but, of course, there is an imaginary and costly “alternative” treatment to this malady. For only $89.95, you get bottles and tubs of inert chemicals to spray and spread on yourself.

It would be nice if we could set up an alternative jail system to treat practitioners of alternative medicine. It would be like real jail, except it would cost them a lot more, and it wouldn’t work.

posted by redsparkler at 6:03 PM on April 25, 2012 [16 favorites]


TUMBLRS WE CRUSH!
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 6:03 PM on April 25, 2012


I love this.
posted by schyler523 at 6:05 PM on April 25, 2012


I had relatives who would buy double swag shower curtains.
posted by arcticseal at 6:06 PM on April 25, 2012


Meh... I love my deep fryer.
posted by pompomtom at 6:12 PM on April 25, 2012


There is an ancient (and dangerous) fertility rite that can be accomplished with enough ladybugs and a strong enough shower enclosure.
posted by nervousfritz at 6:13 PM on April 25, 2012


I am in fact the daughter of a man who would buy four bottles of Liquid Ass.

Love this. Drew has just been getting funnier all these years.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:14 PM on April 25, 2012


It would be nice if we could set up an alternative jail system to treat practitioners of alternative medicine. It would be like real jail, except it would cost them a lot more, and it wouldn’t work.

This.. this actually sounds like real jail already.
posted by curious nu at 6:15 PM on April 25, 2012 [5 favorites]


This review of this cereal totally reminds of of Apple threads here on Metafilter.

What is wrong with me? I ~love~ Product 19! Not because it is healthy (for cold cereal), but because it tastes great and keeps its crunch. How can Special K, which turns to mush on contact with milk, be so much more popular? How can it be that even some "fans" in these reviews take shots at the taste of Product 19? My love for this cereal may be slightly eccentric, but I do not rave about it from the perspective of especially favoring aggressively "natural" foods that are full of bran or whatever.


It's crazy the things people take sides on.
posted by that's how you get ants at 6:20 PM on April 25, 2012


I wonder how much he makes from the amazon referral commissions.
posted by snofoam at 6:24 PM on April 25, 2012


His wife, Natalie Dee, also has a new project: Stuff I Put on Myself
posted by feistycakes at 6:25 PM on April 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm trying not to laugh hysterically in tears on the train home. My god this blog is one of the funniest I've read since probably "Steve, don't eat it".
posted by roboton666 at 6:26 PM on April 25, 2012 [3 favorites]


WONDERFUL, cannot stop laughing. I especially loved this:

“I can’t get up this football mountain,” Brett Favre shouts up to Ochocinco. “The football is too big and it’s signed by a lot of great players.”

Ochocinco leans over, extending a hand. “I’ll help you up, Brett. We’re Football friends, and that’s the best kind of friends.”

posted by sc114 at 6:28 PM on April 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


Somewhere on earth, a man is staking his financial future on Zip disks making a comeback. “What if someone needs a really unreliable piece of shit that holds about 98.4 MB?” he asks himself, leaning on the aging tower of Zip disks in his bedroom.

The phone rings, and a man says, “Hello, is this Mr. Zip Disk? I need about a thousand Zip disksahahaHAHAHA!!!” He slams the phone down. Prank caller. It’s always prank callers.


I'd like to propose a media storage cabinet with zip disk/laserdisc storage. I imagine the people who own them likely have both.
posted by ninjew at 6:43 PM on April 25, 2012


What if I want HALF French fries and HALF onion rings?!? What then? Then that deep fryer looks pretty goddamn useful, doesn't it, Judgey McJudgerton?!?!

Sheesh.

Like the triple crock pot.

SOME OF US PREFER A SELECTION OF SOUPS SO FUCK OFF
posted by BitterOldPunk at 6:44 PM on April 25, 2012 [5 favorites]


Umm...ladybugs are far from weird. They are routinely ordered by gardeners and farmers to deal with aphid infestations.

(But then, I've ordered nematodes via mail too.)
posted by DU at 6:47 PM on April 25, 2012


Blindingly snarky. The Zip-It Drain Cleaning Tool, Candy Land board game and inflatable airbed, among other "worst" products, are GREAT if you have a home, kids, and friends. I speak from experience.
posted by Chinese Jet Pilot at 6:47 PM on April 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


I absolutely love what this is doing to Amazon's "Customers who viewed this also viewed" data.
posted by wanderingmind at 6:54 PM on April 25, 2012 [5 favorites]


I've bought liquid ass to deal with asshole neighbors who hold backyard parties until the wee hours. Works pretty good. I ran across it when I was looking for fox urine and other stinky stuff.

Is Liquid Ass the greatest? Nah, but it's pretty good.
posted by etherist at 7:47 PM on April 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


And in fact, I did buy four bottles of Liquid Ass at the same time.
posted by etherist at 7:51 PM on April 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


I have a triple crock pot. It's awesome. Fuck that guy.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:58 PM on April 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


feckless: "I am a regular purchaser of tubs o' ladybugs. Pshaw, I say."

I've mailordered earthworms, so I guess my views might be suspect here.
posted by workerant at 5:43 PM on April 25 [+] [!]


I'm in favor of both. However, from the post:
Also, some guy has to stand in front of a huge tub, counting out ladybugs all day. That’s a job that someone has to do.
I have been the person who counted out earthworms, and he's very, very right.
posted by mudpuppie at 8:31 PM on April 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Wow! Two hundred and sixteen tiny fucking magnets! They definitely won’t be attracted to any of the magnetically-sensitive computer hardware in my house and will not accidentally stick to one of my cell phones, flash drives, mp3 players, or my iPad.

I like all his examples of computer hardware that won't actually be affected by magnets. That's a nice touch.
posted by 6550 at 8:34 PM on April 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Interesting. I'm afraid I don't like their individual comics enough to read everyday, but Married to the Sea is pretty awesome, as is this blog. Thanks for sharing!
posted by smirkette at 8:35 PM on April 25, 2012


Whoever came up with these K-Cups is a marketing genius. Maybe they’ll figure out an upscale way to sell half-gallons of gas at ten bucks a pop.

Everyone in my family is bananas for these things. Every single person I talked to at xmas was either getting one or had one or needed one or was just amazed that such a thing existed. Mom and dad dropped us off at the airport and drove straight to Costco to get one.
posted by monkeymike at 10:06 PM on April 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Love Drew! Love Nataliedee! And their spawn!

@monkeymike Worked for Keurig.com for years and have to agree the machines are PERFECT for those that only drink a few cups a day!
posted by TangerineGurl at 11:52 PM on April 25, 2012


I assume the point of having the double fryer that if you want to fry fish and also something non-fish, like donuts, you can use separate batches of oil without cross-contaminating the flavors.
posted by Hither at 12:29 AM on April 26, 2012


Also, the Amazon customer comment on this ancient jade axe is pretty great by itself.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 1:29 AM on April 26, 2012


The Amazon comments for the ABB, DFVHMDC0EBCAABN, EMAX Automatic Circuit Breaker just about killed me.

Personally I prefer the HJKYFSDSDBBRY, NEWRU II, but whatever.
posted by littlesq at 1:38 AM on April 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


This is great! Ha ha! :D
posted by tumid dahlia at 2:51 AM on April 26, 2012


Somewhere on earth, a man is staking his financial future on Zip disks making a comeback. “What if someone needs a really unreliable piece of shit that holds about 98.4 MB?” he asks himself, leaning on the aging tower of Zip disks in his bedroom.

Elsewhere, the man with the market cornered on SyQuest drives has stuck his head in the oven and turned on the gas, the loneliness having become too much to bear...
posted by Thorzdad at 4:32 AM on April 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


Didn't know you could get ladybugs for so cheap, I just ordered two!
posted by sammyo at 4:39 AM on April 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


None of them stack up to these devices quonsar found in 2002, though.
posted by flabdablet at 4:46 AM on April 26, 2012


I think he's wrong about the personal bouncy castle. It has a slide and a ball-pit! At that price point, it's a steal. You would be the king of the neighborhood, children for miles around would come to visit to go in the bouncy castle. In the eyes of your child, you are Santa Claus - every day they can go out to their own bouncy castle. Amortized over years, the price isn't that ridiculous, particularly compared to how much it would cost to rent one.

Even if you have no children, it has a ball pit!
posted by MythMaker at 4:53 AM on April 26, 2012


The safes are nice and all, but the shipping's a bit much. Unless Elegant Mom or lady in a party dress really are included, of course.
posted by tommasz at 5:37 AM on April 26, 2012


That internet-connected bathroom scale is all kinds of screwed-up.
posted by tumid dahlia at 5:39 AM on April 26, 2012


It appears he's also reviewing self-published Kindle ebooks.

The writing teacher I just had was pushing the notion of self-publication and e-books on Kindle as options for those of us in the class seeking publication. I admit I was skeptical (I got burned by a vanity press when I was a naive young thing), but was leaning towards checking it out.

The fact that "the erotic TOP CHEF" exists is nudging me back away again.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:43 AM on April 26, 2012


At first glance, I thought this would be a rehash of those ridiculous Amazon items The Bugle was obsessed with (including Tuscan Whole Milk, the Badonkadonk Tank, A Million Random Digits, the Yodelling Pickle) but Drew seems to have cast his net wider, which is refreshing. That Tuscan whole milk is excellent, though.
posted by subbes at 5:54 AM on April 26, 2012


I cancelled my cable.
I grew up in a time before bounce houses.
As a person who drinks two pots of coffee a day.
If you’re like me and you don’t drink soda.
I’m no stranger to bubbling pools of grease. I cook with duck fat and coconut oil. I go to the state fair three times every year just for the food.
I’m not superstitious.
I grew up eating Skyline Chili.


Could be an online dating profile.
posted by Splunge at 6:33 AM on April 26, 2012


Making fun of the mentally ill? Awesome.

I kinda liked Toothpaste for Dinner, but an entire blog dedicated to trolling is contemptible.
posted by zamboni at 6:34 AM on April 26, 2012


I really wish I had had the opportunity to see the products on Amazon BEFORE I read the blog, because that "Customers Also Viewed" data is fucking hilarious.
posted by AmandaA at 7:26 AM on April 26, 2012


I just ordered the ladybugs. I have more than an acre of flower, veggie, tree and lawn to cover. Plus, I cannot wait to see the look on my son's face when he realizes he gets to set handfuls of ladybugs free in the gardens. Hee!
posted by dejah420 at 8:26 AM on April 26, 2012


You may never see your ladybugs again. My folks bought a small tub of ladybugs one summer to put on the garden, but they flew away home, wherever that was.
posted by bad grammar at 4:52 PM on April 26, 2012


Yes, you need an infested area-- something covered in aphids to entice them to stick around for awhile, otherwise they will fly off in search of insectier pastures.

I ordered praying mantises on-line many, many moons ago when I lived in California. I don't think the damned things ever hatched but I got my revenge-- I now live in an area with plenty of mantises. I especially love them when they are tiny.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:12 PM on April 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


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