PHOTON PUSH-PULL RADIATION DETECTOR FOR USE IN CHROMATICALLY SELECTIVE CAT FLAP CONTROL AND 1000 MEGATON EARTH-ORBITAL PEACE-KEEPING BOMB

May 4, 2012 8:27 AM

PHOTON PUSH-PULL RADIATION DETECTOR FOR USE IN CHROMATICALLY SELECTIVE CAT FLAP CONTROL AND 1000 MEGATON EARTH-ORBITAL PEACE-KEEPING BOMB by prolific inventor Arthur Paul Pedrick

The whole point of the system, as pointed out by my ingenious Ginger Cat, is to put into effect, permanently, a fully automatic reprisal system against an attack by H bomb carrying rockets, so that it would be ensured that any State or Government, initiating an attack, would in effect be committing suicide.

By such an arrangement there might be a great reduction in useless expenditure on Nuclear rockets and Anti-Missile-Missile systems, thus reducing inflation and stabilising the price of cat foods.

As Ginger pointed out to me the whole unfortunate situation might have been avoided if Albert Einstein had not "doodled out" his equation E = mc², in the Swiss Patent Office around 1905 instead of getting on with the work he was being paid to do.

posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 (38 comments total)

I can has H-bomb?
posted by snuffleupagus at 8:31 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

I like cats and dislike nuclear apocalypse, so I'm conflicted here.
posted by Trurl at 8:33 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

GANGSTER COMPUTER GOD WORLDWIDE SECRET CONTAINMENT POLICY MADE POSSIBLE SOLELY BY WORLDWIDE COMPUTER GOD FRANKENSTEIN CONTROLS
posted by theodolite at 8:33 AM on May 4, 2012 [3 favorites]

...a fully automatic reprisal system against an attack by H bomb carrying rockets, so that it would be ensured that any State or Government, initiating an attack, would in effect be committing suicide.

Wasn't this in fact the official plan?
posted by DU at 8:39 AM on May 4, 2012

uhh Cat Diagram
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:41 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

(1) To detect the difference in the colour of the fur on the back of the cat wishing to gain entrance to a house ...

(2) To provide, in an Earth Orbital 1,000 Megaton Complete Nuclear Disintegration or "CND" Bomb Automatic Reprisal Satellite Bomb ...

And I bet this guy refuses to buy a garlic press because it's a unitasker.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:42 AM on May 4, 2012 [5 favorites]

The name CND indicates some of the author's intent here
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:44 AM on May 4, 2012

It seems he has taken a childhood obsession with drawing up designs for impenetrable snow forts and minutely detailed mad max vehicles to its obvious conclusion.
posted by helicomatic at 8:44 AM on May 4, 2012

So, this is how they obfuscate patents?
posted by TwelveTwo at 8:47 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Cat Carrier
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 8:53 AM on May 4, 2012

It's interesting that Pedrick's patents end up being cited in legit patents for companies like Canon and Airbus. Why is this? Are they just citing any patents that come up in a related text search?
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:56 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Damn you! I had been thinking of making an FPP on the Fabulous Pedrick and his Cat Ginger for a longuish while now. The guy is a legend in patent circles.
However, he got pretty strong competition in Germany from Otto Karl Poisel, Dipl.-Ing. Witness in particular his nuclear defence against the atheists (which, on the other hand, was at least partially anticipated by Pedrick).
posted by Skeptic at 8:56 AM on May 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

Re Canon, etc. I suspect referencing this patent is a bit of an in joke among those in the know.
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 9:00 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

It's interesting that Pedrick's patents end up being cited in legit patents for companies like Canon and Airbus. Why is this? Are they just citing any patents that come up in a related text search?

Not at all. Quite simply, patent examiners also have a sense of humour, and Pedrick is quite well-known among them (rumour has it that he was a retired patent examiner himself). Citing a Pedrick patent application (or a Poisel patent application) as prior art during the examination procedure is a bit of an insider joke, and generally not a good sign for the patent applicant.

And in some cases, it may actually be relevant prior art. Go figure...
posted by Skeptic at 9:02 AM on May 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

I've downloaded the PDF and am trying to make heads or tails of this. At first I was like "Hm, alright, looks pretty science-y to me" but then I got to the extended conversation about nuclear fission that he had with his cat, who apparently came up with the core principles of this invention. And now I'm sold.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:09 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Cat Carrier
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 8:53 AM

Actually, that "Cat Carrier" is clearly...er..."inspired" by an actual, and quite infamous German patent (utility model, to be more precise).
posted by Skeptic at 9:11 AM on May 4, 2012

The patent was almost 20 years too late. Prior Art.
posted by charlie don't surf at 9:16 AM on May 4, 2012

Totally racist patent! Why does he seek to exclude Black cats?! 1974 was a hateful year. I should know, I was 4 years old and NO! was my favorite word.
posted by pistolswing at 9:22 AM on May 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

Um, look, in case it's the USA who sends the missiles, can you arrange it to destroy somebody else? I didn't vote for this shit.

BTW: the policy in the 50's regarding this was called Mutual Assured Destruction. That meant that we would keep sending missiles until the world turned into a glassy plain. MAD, for short. Also, the Fractional Orbital Bombs were originally called Sub Orbital Bombs, but Johnson had them change the designators on account of the way headlines used the initials.

I think our kids got nervous about all that and tried for nuclear disarmament. It was just a fad, though, and I understand that nuclear missiles are coming back into fashion.

And about that goddam cat-door, if you don't want the racoons to come in, just get up and open the goddam door for your kitty.
posted by mule98J at 9:27 AM on May 4, 2012

One of my favorite patent applications of all time.
posted by caddis at 9:33 AM on May 4, 2012

Why doesn't OUR firm get to work on super awesome stuff like this? It's all machine parts and wheelchair brakes.
posted by charred husk at 9:42 AM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Phew! Just in time.

Russia Threatens Pre-emptive, Destructive Force On US Missile Defense
posted by saulgoodman at 9:51 AM on May 4, 2012

Somehow I don't think the Cat Lovers Against the Bomb are going to approve of this invention.
posted by Numenius at 10:10 AM on May 4, 2012

I like cats and dislike nuclear apocalypse, so I'm conflicted here.

Think of it more as a catastrophe.
posted by anigbrowl at 10:27 AM on May 4, 2012

theodolite: "GANGSTER COMPUTER GOD WORLDWIDE SECRET CONTAINMENT POLICY MADE POSSIBLE SOLELY BY WORLDWIDE COMPUTER GOD FRANKENSTEIN CONTROLS"

cite: Venetian Snares - Americanized; Francis E. Dec
posted by symbioid at 10:39 AM on May 4, 2012

Hmph. And just how are you going to guard against the black-cat-from-next-door's strategy for circumventing the Chromatically Selective Cat-Flap Control by donning his Chromatically Obfuscatory Ginger-Colored Cape? Huh?
Yeah, I thought so. Gotcha!
posted by drhydro at 10:47 AM on May 4, 2012

As Ginger pointed out to me the whole unfortunate situation might have been avoided if Albert Einstein had not "doodled out" his equation E = mc2, in the Swiss Patent Office around 1905 instead of getting on with the work he was being paid to do.

Anyone with a good grounding in what was going on in Physics around the time of Einstein knows that the famous equation is something that a bunch of physicists were (unknowingly) chasing, based on the late 1800s work of Lorentz.

Einstein's genius was the leap of imagination in his thought experiments about time/light/synchronicity/etc, and he very likely solved the various problems of Newtonian mechanics (in a fascinatingly concise and "beautiful" way) a good couple decades ahead of the other scientists. But he wasn't the only one chasing Relativity down, because the cracks in Newtonian Mechanics were only getting more and more well-known (not the least of which was Mercury's orbital deviations from Newtonian).
posted by chimaera at 10:49 AM on May 4, 2012

Um...Is something needed to actually read anything at the Espacenet link? 'Cause, I'm getting a big empty nothing in the area under the drop-down where I assume shit should be.
posted by Thorzdad at 10:55 AM on May 4, 2012

Just click the Download link to the right of that for the pdf file. It's what I did anyway.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:01 AM on May 4, 2012

Anyone with a good grounding in what was going on in Physics around the time of Einstein knows that the famous equation is something that a bunch of physicists were (unknowingly) chasing, based on the late 1800s work of Lorentz.

Still, not bad for a cat
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 11:15 AM on May 4, 2012

Fully automated 1000 megaton bombs in space? What could go wrong?
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:22 AM on May 4, 2012

Think of it more as a catastrophe.

We have developed a weapon which will render our foes catatonic.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:24 AM on May 4, 2012


CATS: How are you gentlemen !!
CATS: All your base are belong to us.
CATS: You are on the way to destruction.
Captain: What you say !!
CATS: You have no chance to survive make your time.
CATS: Ha Ha Ha Ha ....
posted by snuffleupagus at 12:07 PM on May 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

What I want to know if this cites the application because of their own prior art research or if some patent examiner was just yanking their chain.
posted by charred husk at 12:11 PM on May 4, 2012

What I want to know if this cites the application because of their own prior art research or if some patent examiner was just yanking their chain.

It's almost certainly prior art brought forward by an examiner, either at the USPTO or in another patent office (under US patent law, patent applicants have a duty of disclosing possibly any possibly relevant prior art they are aware of, including any cited by examiners in corresponding proceedings elsewhere). And that examiner possibly wasn't just yanking their chain: if the wording of your patent claims is open to overly broad interpretation, you may be surprised at the prior art which could be cited against them.
posted by Skeptic at 12:37 PM on May 4, 2012

There are only ten cited documents, though. Someone was definitely having a laugh.
posted by charred husk at 1:07 PM on May 4, 2012

GANGSTER COMPUTER GOD WORLDWIDE SECRET CONTAINMENT POLICY MADE POSSIBLE SOLELY BY WORLDWIDE COMPUTER GOD FRANKENSTEIN CONTROLS

Impeach
Clinton
12 Galaxies
Guiltied to a
Zegnatronic
Rocket Society
posted by Golden Eternity at 1:45 PM on May 4, 2012

What I want to know if this cites the application because of their own prior art research or if some patent examiner was just yanking their chain.

Skeptic may be correct, but the transaction history at the PTO shows no Examiner search only an applicant submitted information disclosure, although back then the Examiner's search may have just been included in the Office Action record. It could also be a patent agent or attorney handling the case who included the Pedrick reference because it is at least nominally relevant and fun. Wouldn't you perhaps want to put a smile on the face of the Examiner who is deciding whether your application is patentable?
posted by caddis at 5:07 PM on May 4, 2012