#Popleveson: the Twitter meme from Court 73

May 12, 2012 7:35 AM

#Popleveson: the Twitter meme from Court 73 Robert Jay QC, the lawyer at the heart of the UK's Leveson Enquiry into press standards has a particular way in which he asks questions which was yesterday applied on-line to top pop hits. The Guardian collects some of the best.

"Mr. Loaf, you say in your witness statement that "you would do anything for love" but that that there are also certain actions you would not undertake for same. May I first ask whether you see that as a contradiction and secondly if for the record, could you please offer some examples as to what they might be?"

That sort of thing.

posted by feelinglistless (42 comments total)

"Mr. Loaf, you say in your witness statement that "you would do anything for love" but that that there are also certain actions you would not undertake for same. May I first ask whether you see that as a contradiction and secondly if for the record, could you please offer some examples as to what they might be?"

Objection--compound question.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:47 AM on May 12, 2012

Mr. Sinatra, you claim to have been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king, but when asked to explain, all you said was "That's Life"...
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:00 AM on May 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

Mr. Daltrey, you base your complaint of deception on your claim that you "can see for miles and miles and miles and miles," but can you explain the means by which you accomplish that?
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:02 AM on May 12, 2012

Mr. Green, we will allow no further outbursts of profanity in this hearing...
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:03 AM on May 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ms. Springfield, can you more precisely identify the man in question than merely "the son of a preacher man"?
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:05 AM on May 12, 2012 [4 favorites]

The Leveson Inquiry is marvellous. For those who haven't yet googled it, it is absolutely worth seeking out, because they have the live broadcasts of the hearings (under "hearings" on the web page, naturally enough).

Why is this interesting?

Because you get to see some of the most powerful people in the publishing industry squirm. Rupert Murdoch and his son James, Rebecca Brooks, Paul Dacre - some serious heavy-hitters of the English (and worldwide) right-wing press are put in a situation where they are obliged to explain themselves and their misconduct; but also sometimes quite sensitively asked for their views on the nature of the press and its role in society.

The questioning is actually not particularly rough - this is not an adversarial situation, most of the time, so nobody jumps up to shout objection (at least not during the main interrogation - towards the end, counsel for the parties involved will usually weigh in with an agenda and bicker with each other).

But I highly recommend it to any Mefites with an interest in law, politics or the press (a good number, I imagine). The videos are an absolute treasure trove.

Just thought I'd weigh in with a slightly more serious recommendation, but anyway - on with the jokes!
posted by lucien_reeve at 8:06 AM on May 12, 2012 [8 favorites]

Mr. Gotye, if that is your name, can you more precisely identify the woman in question than merely "somebody that I used to know"?
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:07 AM on May 12, 2012

Yes, the Leveson Inquiry is quite interesting in its own right, but these tweets actually represent a more generic #popcrossexamination, and I personally imagine them in the voice of Sam Watterson on Law & Order.
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:15 AM on May 12, 2012

Mr. Diamond, could you please verify your name to the court. Is your name Michael Diamond?

Nah, my name's Clarence.
posted by Groundhog Week at 8:24 AM on May 12, 2012

Mr. Zimmerman, is there no one you would exclude in your admonition to get high?
posted by swift at 8:32 AM on May 12, 2012

Please Mr Miller, or should I say Maurice, elaborate on this pompetous of love of which you speak.
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 8:35 AM on May 12, 2012 [3 favorites]

Wow. Alastair Campbell had one. Takes balls.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:35 AM on May 12, 2012

You are aware that you are under oath to tell the truth under penalty of perjury, Sir Mix-a-lot? In light of that fact, do you still contend that you prefer larger posteriors?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 8:41 AM on May 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

Miss Jackson could you please confirm for the record that you do occasionally go by the alias 'Miss Nasty' ?
posted by Bonzai at 8:42 AM on May 12, 2012

ack! Ignore that. It's Miss Jackson if you're nasty. I misremembered.
posted by Bonzai at 8:43 AM on May 12, 2012

If we turn now to the passage marked with tab 2 in your folder, Ms. Black, we can see what you were supposedly doing on the Friday in question. You say that you were "Kicking in the front seat, sitting in the back seat", do I have that right? Yes. But you see the contradiction there, don't you? Logically, there are only two possibilities. So which seat did you, in fact, take?
posted by lucien_reeve at 8:43 AM on May 12, 2012 [3 favorites]

But surely, Mr Bowie, you can see, can't you, that this is not, in fact, genocide? I think most people would say that it was actually a case of "rock n' roll", wouldn't you agree?
posted by lucien_reeve at 8:45 AM on May 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

Mr. Jay deserves a better meme than this.
posted by Hartham's Hugging Robots at 8:46 AM on May 12, 2012 [2 favorites]

Then again, "Robert Jay QC" sounds like a good name for a rapper...
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:52 AM on May 12, 2012 [2 favorites]

"Mister Lee Roth, I'm not going anywhere there - please sit down or leave...sit down or leave...just leave."
posted by Smart Dalek at 9:00 AM on May 12, 2012

"Mr Robert Fuller, it would appear this is not your first time in court. Would you care to inlighten us concerning your previous run-in with the law?"
posted by Jehan at 9:19 AM on May 12, 2012 [2 favorites]

"Mr Bowie, you have libeled and slandered the good name of my client, Major Tom, suggesting that he is, in fact, a drug addict. Or, as you so vulgarly put it, a 'junkie'."
posted by Jehan at 9:22 AM on May 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Although it has been irrefutably established that you killed the Earl o' Moray, you still claim that you are not responsible for the murder of Lady Mondegreen, but rather that it was all a misunderstanding. Preposterous!"
posted by Jehan at 9:27 AM on May 12, 2012

Mr. Gaye, is the grapevine to which you refer the same grapevine about which Ms. Knight testified this morning?
posted by gauche at 9:39 AM on May 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

I would like to remind you, Mr. Joel, that the purpose of this hearing is to investigate a matter of arson. Providing a list of notable historical events and personalities will in no way exonerate you from these charges.
posted by Lokheed at 10:08 AM on May 12, 2012 [2 favorites]

Ms. Ross, after some thought, did he or did he not "stop in the name of love?"
posted by ennui.bz at 10:11 AM on May 12, 2012

Your Honor, we have already established that my client wore a hat, had a job, and brought home the bacon. How many chromosomes he has is entirely irrelevant to this case!
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 10:24 AM on May 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

Mr. REO Speedwagon, when you stated you could not "fight this feeling any more," you indicated "It's time to throw this ship into the shore. And throw away the oars forever," yet isn't it more plausible for oars to be present on a "boat" rather than a "ship" as your previous statement implied?
posted by jonp72 at 11:55 AM on May 12, 2012

Mr. Lennon, after you reached the grounds of Strawberry Fields, you embraced a stance of epistemological nihilism such that "Nothing is real, and there's nothing to get hung about," yet you also issued a subsequent statement, "I think I know I mean a "Yes," but it's all wrong. That is, I think I disagree." So which is it, Mr. Lennon? Do you mean Yes, or do you disagree?
posted by jonp72 at 12:01 PM on May 12, 2012

You say that you were "Kicking in the front seat, sitting in the back seat", do I have that right? Yes. But you see the contradiction there, don't you? Logically, there are only two possibilities. So which seat did you, in fact, take?

Surely she was kicking in the front seat, while sitting in the back seat. What, exactly, her parents will say when she returns the car with a kicked-in front seat doesn't bear thinking about.
posted by Grangousier at 12:25 PM on May 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

And finally, "Maurice." Let the record show Mr Miller's three aliases.

Now- Mr Miller - would you please describe for the court in clearer language what it is you mean when you say pompatus?
posted by Jon Mitchell at 1:04 PM on May 12, 2012

What, exactly, her parents will say when she returns the car with a kicked-in front seat doesn't bear thinking about.

I suspect that may be outside the scope of this inquiry. :)
posted by lucien_reeve at 1:42 PM on May 12, 2012

Well and good, Mr. Sumner, but I must ask you,—where is the Kingdom of Pain of which you allege yourself to be king?
posted by Moody834 at 2:14 PM on May 12, 2012

Do you mean to imply, Ms. Benetar, that the express purpose for the existence of Hell, or perhaps some number of its constituent circles, is for minors and individuals below the age of consent?
posted by Jon_Evil at 2:25 PM on May 12, 2012

Brilliant
posted by Albondiga at 2:30 PM on May 12, 2012

Mr. West, without going into of the consequences of your entrance thereto, would you please define for the Cout the boundaries of your "zone"?
posted by Jon_Evil at 2:37 PM on May 12, 2012

Mr. Diddley, the recipients of my love are no business of yours, nor are the at all relavant to the particulars of this hearing. Moreover, the court will hear no further testimony from you until the situation with your inappropriate neckwear has been resolved.
posted by Jon_Evil at 2:55 PM on May 12, 2012

As a member of the Trashmen, can you confirm that "the bird" is in fact the word, or is the word in fact a series of nonsense syllables, such as, and I quote, "Papa-ooh-mow-mow"?
posted by jonp72 at 4:42 PM on May 12, 2012

Madam: did your insider knowlege of gold values in any way influence your subsequent purchase of a 'Stairway to Heaven'?
posted by El Brendano at 6:52 AM on May 13, 2012

Tell me Mr Sumner, does it Sting that you coerced Ms Roxanne into not wearing that red dress by pretending you were Police.
posted by the cydonian at 8:23 AM on May 13, 2012

Ms. Adele, how do you plead to the charges of stalking and murdering your ex-boyfriend?
posted by vidur at 1:01 PM on May 13, 2012

Now Mr. Sumner, your opening remarks claimed the existence of a very specific solar event, however previous testimony by acclaimed Dr. Degrasse Tyson indicate that one of the two are not being forthcoming. Since I am currently holding photographic evidence confirming the good doctors testimony, I again ask you: Where were you at approximately 9:15 PM on the night of May 11th, 2012???
posted by Blue_Villain at 5:51 AM on May 14, 2012