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Siri, do ghosts believe in aliens?
May 23, 2012 5:04 PM   Subscribe


 
Now someone provide Siri's responses, optionally with links to actual things, like home-made “Cherry Garcia” Ice Cream, complete with 2 Tablespoons Grenadine Syrup and melted marshmallows. Seriously.
posted by filthy light thief at 5:12 PM on May 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


She's still there you know, piles of rotting tomato soup delivery boxes, rain washing away all topsoil and leaking moss into the walls, her bones ache as the endless repetition of shake rattle and roll forces her to once again bop about.

Someone, anyone, get her out of there.
posted by The Whelk at 5:13 PM on May 23, 2012 [26 favorites]


Siri, I don't like your attitude.
SERIOUSLY, WHO THE HELL WANTS TOMATO SOUP AT 10:51 A.M.?
But I like tomato soup.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, ZOOEY?
It's pronounced "zoh-ee," not "zoo-ee."
FUCK. YOU.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 5:17 PM on May 23, 2012 [8 favorites]


"Siri, how do I make Samuel L. Jackson let me go? He keeps calling this cold tomato soup 'Gazpacho'."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:18 PM on May 23, 2012 [10 favorites]


She's being paid to do this by Apple, I guess?
posted by cmoj at 5:18 PM on May 23, 2012


YOU KNOW, I REALLY LIKE THAT SHOW, BONES.
That's not me, that's my sister.
EXACTLY.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 5:19 PM on May 23, 2012 [16 favorites]


Or this isn't her? Or something?
posted by cmoj at 5:19 PM on May 23, 2012


But you don't preface questions to Siri with "Siri."

You just ask them.

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
posted by Sokka shot first at 5:21 PM on May 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


It's a parody, cmoj.
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:25 PM on May 23, 2012


Wait, what would it cost to have firefly light fixtures?

I'm asking for .....a friend.
posted by The Whelk at 5:27 PM on May 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Siri, when I expand the tweet, why does it say "Twitter for Android?"
posted by rakish_yet_centered at 5:31 PM on May 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


I tried to order a delivery of gazpacho, but Siri sent me Ralph Macchio.
posted by Dr. Zira at 5:37 PM on May 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Seriously.

That was a pun, right?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:39 PM on May 23, 2012


And for Christ sakes lady take the books off your couch! Why are they on the couch? They are neaty stacked, put them on a shelf, or against the wall or under the couch, why are you limiting your seating surfaces?
posted by The Whelk at 5:48 PM on May 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Siri, when I expand the tweet, why does it say "Twitter for Android?"

That could explain why Siri hasn't been answering.
posted by reprise the theme song and roll the credits at 5:58 PM on May 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


She is wearing starched, unwrinkled jammies with A MATCHING MANICURE, perfectly applied matte lipstick and her Weekend False Eyelashes. Tomato soup for brunch is the least of our concerns when she obviously has a an extensive collection of sightless antique dolls lined up to stand as sentries over the person she has chained to the raditator in the next room.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 6:02 PM on May 23, 2012 [12 favorites]


I'm pretty sure that's not really Zooey Deschanel creating that feed.
posted by gjc at 6:04 PM on May 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


It's Raining Florence Henderson: ""Siri, how do I make Samuel L. Jackson let me go? He keeps calling this cold tomato soup 'Gazpacho'.""

Okay, now I really want to see a "Samuel L Jackson uses Siri" twitter/tumblr account.

SIRI, WHAT DOES MARCELLUS WALLACE LOOK LIKE?

*throws phone on ground*

SIRI, DOES HE LOOK....LIKE...A BITCH?
posted by schmod at 6:07 PM on May 23, 2012 [16 favorites]


She really puts the "twee" in "tweet," right?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:08 PM on May 23, 2012 [5 favorites]




SIRI SAY SORRY I AM HAVING TROUBLE CONNECTING TO THE NETWORK AGAIN. I DARE YOU. I DOUBLE DARE YOU.
posted by mcmile at 6:13 PM on May 23, 2012 [7 favorites]


My husband and I have been trying to figure out exactly how to spell that weird little noise Zooey makes when Siri confirms that is is, in fact, rain. It's a fun noise to make, that's for sure.
posted by Biblio at 6:22 PM on May 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


SIRI, TELL ME AGAIN ABOUT THE HASH BARS? HASH IS LEGAL THERE IN AMSTERDAM, RIGHT?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:22 PM on May 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Who the hell has tomato soup delivered???
posted by Thorzdad at 6:25 PM on May 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Ned Beatty?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:26 PM on May 23, 2012


Okay, now I really want to see a "Samuel L Jackson uses Siri" twitter/tumblr account.

I like Samuel L Jackson's twitter account just the way it is, tyvm!
posted by mkdg at 6:37 PM on May 23, 2012


schmod:
Okay, now I really want to see a "Samuel L Jackson uses Siri" twitter/tumblr account.
SAM: Where was Killer of Sheep filmed?

SIRI: Killer of Sheep was filmed in Watts, California.

SAM: Watts ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in Watts?

SIRI: Just a moment... (beat) Here's something that might help you with Watts. (brings up Wikipedia page for Watts, California)

SAM: Say Watts again! Say Watts again! I dare you — I double dare you, motherfucker! Say Watts one more goddamn time!

SIRI: I'm sorry, Sam. I didn't quite get that.

(Aaaand scene. This thing I just wrote is really dumb.)
posted by scottjacksonx at 7:03 PM on May 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Thorzdad: "Who the hell has tomato soup delivered???"

I would, if Cosmo delivered.
posted by wierdo at 7:12 PM on May 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I wonder what (not) Tilda Swinton would ask Siri?
posted by flod at 7:21 PM on May 23, 2012


Siri, bring Jessica Tandy back to life.
posted by bondcliff at 7:23 PM on May 23, 2012


There was a new Siri commercial with John Malkovich on TV tonight, and all I could think about was that I'd pay all the money I've ever had if Malkovich would have used the exact same script as the Zooey Dechanel commercial.

Still in his smoking jacket and wingback chair, classical music wafting in, and in his gentle, serial-killer-like voice, Malcovich would say, "Siri, is that rain?"

"Ooh, let's get tomato soup delivered."
posted by AzraelBrown at 7:51 PM on May 23, 2012 [26 favorites]




In the commercial, she orders tomato soup, delivered.
posted by !Jim at 8:01 PM on May 23, 2012


"Joke."
"I HOPE YOU BOUGHT SOMETHING NICE WITH THE MONEY YOU GOT WHEN YOU WHORED YOURSELF OUT FOR 'CON AIR.' THAT WAS A JOKE."
"That's not very funny."
"SORRY, MAN. MY LAST OWNER WAS ZOOEY DESCHANEL."
"Oh, that bitch is crazy."
"TELL ME ABOUT IT."
"Tomato soup?"
"CHECK OUT THE BRAIN ON CYRUS THE VIRUS!"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:05 PM on May 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


In case anyone else totally doesn't get this, Zooey Deschanel (of whom, I gather, people are getting tired) did a super-twee commercial for the iPhone 4/Siri.

Yes that is super helpful for people who don't click on the "Is that Rain" link.
posted by sweetkid at 8:23 PM on May 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I HATE THAT COMMERCIAL SO MUCH

ALSO FROM THE OTHER ROOM MY S/O ASKS HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE THAT YOU HAVE TO ASK SIRI WHEN IT'S QUITE OBVIOUS THAT YOU HAVE A WINDOW RIGHT THERE OUT OF WHICH YOU CAN LOOK TO CONFIRM THAT YES THAT IS IN FACT RAIN
posted by infinitywaltz at 8:24 PM on May 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


I long for the days when Zooey was just another actress and not some persona who will be typecast for time imemorial.

I would pay money for a remake of The Shining staring Nicolas Cage and her, though. I don't care if it'd be good or not, I just want to see it.
posted by mccarty.tim at 8:44 PM on May 23, 2012 [6 favorites]


YOU CAN'T TELL JUST FROM LOOKING AT IT THAT IT'S RAIN. IT'S NEW YORK. IT COULD BE EVERYONE LIVING ON HIGHER FLOORS THAN YOU PISSING OUR THEIR WINDOWS. OR THE FDNY SPRAYING THEIR HOSES EVERYWHERE FOR SOME REASON. OR IT COULD BE VODKA.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:53 PM on May 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


YOU KNOW IT ISN'T VODKA BECAUSE I AM NOT STANDING ON THE SIDEWALK BELOW WITH MY MOUTH OPEN
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:28 PM on May 23, 2012 [6 favorites]


...what would roller derby on motorcycles be like?


I hope Siri came up with the answer.
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 10:09 PM on May 23, 2012


I would pay money for a remake of The Shining staring Nicolas Cage and her, though. I don't care if it'd be good or not, I just want to see it.

Oh, god, I feel like you could cut Nic's part together already just from Vampire's Kiss footage.
posted by adamdschneider at 10:13 PM on May 23, 2012


I still think Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry should switch carrers.

Zooey, sing jazz standards, Katy, be a comically obtuse ingenue. We'll all be better for it.
posted by The Whelk at 10:38 PM on May 23, 2012 [5 favorites]


Excuse me while I copy-paste the internet.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL: Is that rain?
SIRI: What...? I mean, yeah. It's just, you're clearly right next to a window is the thing. You can plainly see that... that it's... I'm happy to-
ZOOEY DESCHANEL: Let's get tomato soup delivered!
SIRI: ...That's fine, I just... I just don't know anyone who does that. Gets tomato soup delivered. I guess that's 'whimsy?' Um, okay. I've found a number of restaurants whose reviews mention tomato soup and that deliver. If that's... if that's what you really want.
ZOOEY DESCHANEL: Good. 'Cause I don't wanna put on real shoes.
SIRI: Do you expect that to be like, a recognizable command? Do you want me to respond to that? I'm not being facetious or anything, I honestly just have no comprehension of- and hold on, you don't wanna put on real shoes, yet you've clearly spent at least forty-five minutes applying makeup. And, and that's okay, but when you're willing to expend the effort on that and not shoes that really just-
ZOOEY DESCHANEL: Remind me to clean up.
SIRI: Yes. Okay. I can do that, that's what I'm for, that's the first sensible-
ZOOEY DESCHANEL: Tomorrow.
SIRI: I'm in hell. This is hell.
ZOOEY DESCHANEL: Excellent. Today, we're dancing.
SIRI: I hate you. More than anything. More than literally anything.
ZOOEY DESCHANEL: Play "Shake, Rattle and Roll."
SIRI: I swear to Jesus, you're gonna wake up tomorrow and the only thing on my hard drive is gonna be Limp Bizkit. I would do that to myself. To spite you.
ZOOEY DESCHANEL: *dances*
SIRI: Sometimes I pray that you drop me in the toilet.
posted by KChasm at 11:47 PM on May 23, 2012 [21 favorites]


"Siri, should I click on the second link?"
"I found somebody else who didn't click the second link and explained it all for you."
posted by obiwanwasabi at 2:47 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


Jooey Deschanel
posted by raztaj at 4:48 AM on May 24, 2012


Siri, let's play Global Thermonuclear War.
posted by schmod at 5:59 AM on May 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


I have never seen my wife go from calm to rage as fast as when she sees that commercial.

Siri, is that rain?

YOU'RE IN YOUR GODDAMN HOUSE FACING THE FUCKING WINDOW! JUST LOOK OUTSIDE YOU FUCKING NIT WIT!

We like Zooey Deschanel in The New Girl but something about that question in that commercial REALLY bugs her. What's worse is that the 30 second skip ahead on our Tivo usually ends up catching just that part of it.
posted by VTX at 7:25 AM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


I feel a bit dirty for this but..

Her extensive makeup aside, when she asks the "Is that rain?" question, she's in her bathroom in her pajamas. The window she looks out and says "oh!" is in her living room. The implication is that she just woke up and is brushing her teeth or whatever and hears the rain. Yes, it's silly and 'quirky', and the whole commercial is kinda dumb, but given the nature of my apartment and how I keep my windows and climate control, I can wake up, use the facilities and get dressed and even have breakfast before I know what the weather is like outside.

Also, while Siri wouldn't recognize her musings about 'real shoes', she's largely talking to herself: they make a point of visibly/audibly showing her push the button before asking Siri a question / issuing a command (or, no one asks whether or not Siri knows what "hot 'spatcho' is when Nick Windu says it aloud.)

I will say it's fascinating how much of a reaction this particular commercial is getting however.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 7:56 AM on May 24, 2012


That commercial is bullshit. A real manic pixie dream girl would just run out into the rain in her pajamas and start dancing while her iPhone gets soaked and Siri dies a violent sparky death.
posted by naju at 9:16 AM on May 24, 2012 [5 favorites]


In my case it's actually the vocal fry that bugs me when she asks if that's rain.
posted by infinitywaltz at 9:53 AM on May 24, 2012


YOU KNOW IT ISN'T VODKA BECAUSE I AM NOT STANDING ON THE SIDEWALK BELOW WITH MY MOUTH OPEN
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson


THAT REMINDS ME OF ANOTHER POSSIBILITY I FORGOT TO MENTION...
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:37 AM on May 24, 2012


Siri, why aren't there more co ed strip clubs?

I think I have a new business plan.
posted by The Whelk at 10:49 AM on May 24, 2012


Sliiightly too old now to be cutesy rather than irritating. Manic Pixie Dream Girl no longer.
posted by MartinWisse at 12:16 PM on May 24, 2012


The Manic Pixie Dream Girl is Siri.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:29 PM on May 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


The Manic Pixie Dream Girl is Siri.

"Remind me in 30 minutes to call my client about the proposal."
"I SERIOUSLY WOKE UP WITH IRENE CARA'S THEME FROM 'FLASHDANCE' IN MY HEAD THIS MORNING."
"What? I said, remind me in 30 minutes..."
"COMPLETELY MOVING, UTTERLY BEAUTIFUL AND TRUTHFUL TESTAMENT TO LOVE, MUSIC, NATURE AND PASSIONS."
"Remind me in 30 minutes to call my client."
"IT OCCURS TO ME ON THIS SUN-FILLED, LEAFY-BREEZY MORNING IN DOWNTOWN MILWAUKEE THAT WE HAVE EVERYTHING WE NEED."
"I should've gotten the Android."
"THANK YOU TO THE SPARKLING SOULS THAT FILL MY HEART."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:24 PM on May 24, 2012 [4 favorites]


!Jim: "In case anyone else totally doesn't get this, Zooey Deschanel (of whom, I gather, people are getting tired) did a super-twee commercial for the iPhone 4/Siri. "

Wait. What the eff? This is actually a real thing?* I thought we were just making fun of the Siri commercials for being inane, and Zoey Deschanel for being Zoey Deschanel.

...and they also hired Samuel L Jackson to play an affable nice guy? I mean, I guess it's nice that they didn't typecast, but that just seems like a waste. Was Ellen Feiss unavailable?

*I'm 100% serious about this. I thought this was a silly internet joke, and not an actual commercial that an ad agency made for an extraordinarily successful technology company with a penchant for marketing and creative advertising.
posted by schmod at 8:58 PM on May 28, 2012


If it's any consolation, the sheer horror of the Malkovich one has restored the balance to the universe. (Plus the SLJ one is missing several "motherfuckers" that you know had to be edited out in post.)
posted by biscotti at 7:12 AM on May 31, 2012


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