Why did I pee pee in daddy's work bag? Better question: Why are we always out of crackers?
June 11, 2012 11:09 AM   Subscribe

"Look mom. I can tell from the way you haven’t looked me in the eye since fetching me from my crib well before dawn that you’re upset about last night. Waking up every 45 minutes to 1.5 hours isn’t easy for me either. In my defense, my blanket really did keep coming off, I was thirsty, and…I can’t remember the other reasons, but I’m sure they were equally valid." The Honest Toddler is blogging about his experiences as a child, from helping mommy get potty trained to his view of one-year-olds to organizing the 34th Annual Toddler Unification Conference. His "The Truth About Car Sleep" is particularly brilliant. He also dispenses his wisdom via twitter.
posted by jbickers (38 comments total) 24 users marked this as a favorite

 
My son has been cribbing from Honest Toddler for too long. I'm going to get all Parental Controls on him - "Reason for Blocking Site? Gives Westley too many ideas."
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:21 AM on June 11, 2012 [3 favorites]


My cat is very skeptical that Honest Toddler is actually written by a toddler. At least that's what she's been ranting about on her blog.
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 11:21 AM on June 11, 2012 [14 favorites]


oh god flashbacks
posted by feckless at 11:26 AM on June 11, 2012 [1 favorite]


wait, this from the twitter feed isn't even a flashback. this is the now:

Toddler Tip: Find the mom with the best snacks at the park. Stand close to her and stare until it gets awkward and your mom pulls you away.
posted by feckless at 11:26 AM on June 11, 2012 [3 favorites]


A formerly well-adjusted friend of mine had a baby and she started a Facebook account for her kid. Some people do this to organize photos and thoughts for the kid, looking to a time when said child is able to appreciate stuff like that. However, my friend post status updates and comments and shit in her child's voice. Urbane children are overused, lazy and abrasive (I for one want to punch the E-Trade baby in the face). So when my friend does that it makes me wonder if her soul died in childbirth.

That friend could have written these.

(by the way, I have a toddler. She's great. Part of what makes her that way is that she has a child's focus and child's understanding and her life is much less complicated than mine.)
posted by Mayor Curley at 11:28 AM on June 11, 2012 [10 favorites]


his view of one-year-olds

Eh, don't most small children actually like even smaller babies? I know there can be competition between siblings if they are too close in age
posted by delmoi at 11:29 AM on June 11, 2012


don't most small children actually like even smaller babies?

Smaller babies almost always love bigger ones. Bigger ones only like smaller ones if they (the bigger ones) are either naturally interested in babies (rare IME) or about 4 years or more older than the smaller.
posted by DU at 11:37 AM on June 11, 2012 [1 favorite]


If I ever found out my parents had been impersonating me as a toddler, I would be seriously weirded out. I hope this kid grows up to be more tolerant than I am.
posted by HFSH at 11:39 AM on June 11, 2012 [1 favorite]


I don’t like them. I’m not scared of many things but this demographic of unpredictable bobble heads with too much mobility for their own good causes me to break out in a sweat every time. I make it a point not to associate with their kind.

Sorry. Well-meaning but somewhat creepy. For a toddler, this kid sure has a command of bullets and numbered lists so kudos for that I guess.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 11:49 AM on June 11, 2012


Sorry. Well-meaning but somewhat creepy.

Look who's talking!
posted by Nomyte at 11:52 AM on June 11, 2012 [1 favorite]


Confession time: my parents actually began impersonating me as a toddler several decades ago and it just got out of hand. It's now thirty years later and I'm nothing but a soulless puppet whose every move is dictated by my mother and father, who by the way are simply the most wonderful, intelligent, and youthful-seeming people you'll ever meet and would never even think of having me say so. Also, go Romney in 2012!
posted by item at 11:52 AM on June 11, 2012 [6 favorites]


If I ever found out my parents had been impersonating me as a toddler, I would be seriously weirded out.

Wait until you go off to college and already have excellent credit history because your parents took a loan out in your name when you were seven. (Seriously Wells Fargo...wth?!?)
posted by Blue_Villain at 11:54 AM on June 11, 2012 [2 favorites]


However, my friend post status updates and comments and shit in her child's voice.

I am still mortified by the fact that my mother has the notebook of things that I said when I was a toddler (ordinary stuff, like "How come daddy doesn't have breasts?"). I can't imagine how today's kid will react to the whole Facebook thing.
posted by Melismata at 12:00 PM on June 11, 2012


Nomyte: "Look who's talking!"

II or III?

Once they dumped Willis (the thinking man's Fred Flintstone), I stopped watching.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 12:01 PM on June 11, 2012 [1 favorite]


The speaking for the child in this manner feels disrespectful of the child, to me (as well that the child has no say in the matter, and can't speak up or understand), and the humor is wound up with contempt, both towards the child and from the parent for herself. This sort of ironic distancing (an overly-aware adult voice imagining itself from a child's mouth) usually rubs me the wrong way.

I mean, I get why people find it funny, or why the parent might be using this sort of humor to cope, but it makes me uncomfortable, and this particular setup does feel like too far to me. (I also often wonder how the children of parents who blog about them in this sort of way - kind of using them as a prop in their act - are going to feel when they read it later in life.)
posted by flex at 12:11 PM on June 11, 2012 [5 favorites]



Well, at least the kid has better spelling, punctuation and grammar skills than about 75% of the rest of the internet.



posted by mmrtnt at 12:11 PM on June 11, 2012


I read these all in Stewie's voice. It's better.
posted by resurrexit at 12:14 PM on June 11, 2012 [3 favorites]


I've been following Honest Toddler on Twitter for a little while, though I hadn't gotten into the blog.

I have to say, as the at-home parent of a 17-month-old, it speaks to me. Something about the fantasy that there's a reason - no matter how far-fetched - for some of the things he does is vaguely comforting. Like there's something more than pure chaos swirling around in that giant noggin of his.

And the bits about Mommy's soulless eyes come 4 p.m.? I can totally identify with that, as well as Daddy being the savior of all when he walks through the door.
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 12:18 PM on June 11, 2012 [3 favorites]


Keep an eye out for yet another blog-gone-book.
posted by Malice at 12:22 PM on June 11, 2012 [2 favorites]


Melismata: "However, my friend post status updates and comments and shit in her child's voice.

I am still mortified by the fact that my mother has the notebook of things that I said when I was a toddler (ordinary stuff, like "How come daddy doesn't have breasts?"). I can't imagine how today's kid will react to the whole Facebook thing.
"

Can I just go on record and say that I think that is the sweetest thing? We save all my daughter's drawings, school-work and various things from her childhood mainly because my parent (mother) didn't have the foresight to do so.

Back in 1992 I visited my aunt in Washington. He and her husband Joe knew of me but lost touch with me after my mother, an alcoholic decided to move us around so much. I had never met them but made plans to drop in when my wife and I were visiting Seattle. We went to their house, a nice little farm house with dogs and horses and a huge yard. It was the kind of place that I had dreamed of growing up in. My aunt and her husband were very gracious and it was hard to believe that she was in any way related to me. Me, coming from so much mayhem and craziness just couldn't fathom it.

We had dinner and my aunt Pat said she wanted to show me something. She said it was a 8mm film that she had transferred to video and that I might enjoy it. Keep in mind that until this point, I owned NO pictures of myself prior to the age of 21. I had never seen my father and had no concept of what I looked like as a kid. In some respects, it was as if I was born when I was 16 years-old (the year I got out of rehab).

We all sat on the couch, me next to my wife and my aunt Pat and Joe sitting in their easy chairs and she popped the tape in. I sat and watched. It was a picnic scene from 1967. It was in color and it was in pretty good resolution. I saw my father for the first time, holding me and putting me on a slide and holding my hand through a sprinkler. He had a crew-cut and he looked pretty bad-ass. My young mother was sitting at a picnic table watching us. Then the film cut back and fourth to all the other kids and parents and then back to me. Five minutes in I was a puddle of tears and my wife was trying to console me. I didn't really need consoling. I was just glad that I knew I actually had parents who, it appeared, cared deeply about me. I was relieved to see what I looked like and what my parents looked like. Up to that point, my childhood was a huge void that I had either repressed or simply had not remembered. So that day, remembering really helped me get a sense that I was loved as a child. Seeing that video filled in so many blanks for me and made me feel whole. Up to that point I really had no idea how much of a void I felt.

I would love my child to not experience that same void. It sure fueled a lot of hatred in me throughout the years. I would like her to know she has a history, that she grew up around loving parents who will still dearly love her.

For me, I think this Toddler Blog is well-meaning but I do not like the "OMG WE ARE SO FULFILLED AND MUST TELL THE INTERNET" aspect of it. I think these are private moments to be shared and remember -- not for internet gawkers to peruse.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 12:28 PM on June 11, 2012 [25 favorites]


I have an 18-month-old and think Honest Toddler is freaking hilarious. It is nothing like people who set up Facebook accounts for their kid and speak in the kid's voice...because those people are pretty much never funny, and this is (to me anyway).
posted by feathermeat at 1:15 PM on June 11, 2012 [2 favorites]


And also, people who are taking this super-seriously (HFSH, KevinSkomsvold)--do you have kids? I mean, I don't want to be all "if you don't have a toddler you can't understand!!!1111!!!!" but I think this may be the kind of thing that would really only be amusing for someone with a little kid.
posted by feathermeat at 1:19 PM on June 11, 2012


I have a two year old and find the blog really contemptuous and uncomfortable, but uh, thanks for taking it there, feathermeat.
posted by milk white peacock at 1:33 PM on June 11, 2012 [3 favorites]


feathermeat: "And also, people who are taking this super-seriously (HFSH, KevinSkomsvold)--do you have kids? I mean, I don't want to be all "if you don't have a toddler you can't understand!!!1111!!!!" but I think this may be the kind of thing that would really only be amusing for someone with a little kid."

What is HFSH? Sorry, I'm not up on MetaFilter code any more.

Yes. I have an 11 year-old daughter. I used to blog about her frequently. A good friend of mine, who used to read my blog commented one day "When she gets older, do you really want her to read all that stuff knowing it's out on the web?" In a moment of true clarity, I pulled everything. I reserve my kid stuff for the occasional kid pic on Facebook. If people want to imbue children with the voices of rational adults, go nuts! I think it's weird. If it helps a parent, that's great too.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 1:34 PM on June 11, 2012 [2 favorites]


Well, I do, I have five. (And Kevin said in his last comment that he has a daughter.) I get why a parent would do it, and I get why another parent would find it amusing - it's hard work being a parent, and toddlers are exhausting and illogical - it's not that I don't see the humor, it's that this vein of humor doesn't work for me and I think my reasoning is valid. Different strokes, different folks.

And I definitely separate out keeping your child's drawings, writing down things they say or what they were doing at whatever time in their lives, and so on from what we're discussing here. In my experience kids are fascinated with knowing about what they did back before their memories start. It's that the blogging/Facebook thing is public, and the speaking-in-their-voice thing is a boundary crossed, for me. It gives me the same ooky feeling I had has a child when adults would tell me something totally seriously to tease me, and then laugh at me when I believed them.
posted by flex at 1:35 PM on June 11, 2012 [2 favorites]


KevinSkomsvold: What is HFSH? Sorry, I'm not up on MetaFilter code any more.

Well, you can ask him. (It's a user's handle, see.)
posted by filthy light thief at 1:37 PM on June 11, 2012


Okay, you folks have genuinely surprised me. When you read this, you're getting that it's a real parent writing in the voice of a real child, about things that they really do? Because that's not the glow it gave off for me at all. It reads like a completely fictional child, like a composite character, in the same way that DadBoner isn't really somebody's dad. (Because I'm totally in agreement with those of you who suggest that blogging on behalf of a real child, in their imagined voice, is creepy. This is satire. I'm pretty sure.)
posted by jbickers at 1:39 PM on June 11, 2012 [5 favorites]


I'm not trying to be an asshole...I just don't get taking it really seriously. Toddlers are nuts and do weird things and are completely irrational. Everyone who has one knows that. This isn't the same as sharing your particular kid's intimate moments on the internet. Posting a picture of Jayden's first poop in the potty on Facebook...that's weird, I get that. But there is no specific toddler involved here. It's just pretty much an internet version of Stewie. I get not finding it funny, I just don't get wringing your hands over it.
posted by feathermeat at 1:39 PM on June 11, 2012 [3 favorites]


Exactly, jbickers.
posted by feathermeat at 1:40 PM on June 11, 2012


feathermeat: "I'm not trying to be an asshole...I just don't get taking it really seriously. Toddlers are nuts and do weird things and are completely irrational. Everyone who has one knows that. This isn't the same as sharing your particular kid's intimate moments on the internet. Posting a picture of Jayden's first poop in the potty on Facebook...that's weird, I get that. But there is no specific toddler involved here. It's just pretty much an internet version of Stewie. I get not finding it funny, I just don't get wringing your hands over it."

On I understand what you mean feathermeat. My initial response was more toward Melismata's feeling mortified that her parents kept that old stuff. Hopefully I didn't derail too much. Apologies if that was unclear.

jbickers - God, I sure hope so!
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 1:43 PM on June 11, 2012


filthy light thief: "KevinSkomsvold: What is HFSH? Sorry, I'm not up on MetaFilter code any more.

Well, you can ask him. (It's a user's handle, see.)
"

I think I'll just leave it at that, thanks.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 1:45 PM on June 11, 2012


flex: It's that the blogging/Facebook thing is public, and the speaking-in-their-voice thing is a boundary crossed, for me. It gives me the same ooky feeling I had has a child when adults would tell me something totally seriously to tease me, and then laugh at me when I believed them.

Interesting. My little grabbypants doesn't talk yet, so my wife and I talk to each-other as if he were speaking to us. His voice is surprisingly deep, considering how high his giggles and odd noises are. We haven't moved these monologs onto the internet, but continue them in front of family and friends, usually without realizing it. I completely realize that from the outside, it probably looks a little odd. It's for our own amusement, and it's also to rationalize his behavior when it doesn't make sense.

Anyway, it seems these posts are generic enough that they could have come from the experiences of many parents. It'd be weird to find your parents blogging about your actions when you grew up, but it's not detailing bowel movements or a daily diary. It's general baby/infant stuff.
posted by filthy light thief at 1:46 PM on June 11, 2012 [2 favorites]


jbickers: From the comments on the posts and the level of detail in some of the pieces, I definitely got the impression this is a parent blogging about real incidents with their real child (and probably choosing this style of humor to sort of cope with it). I'm sure if my impression is correct that some things are exaggerated, but still, yes. (Though even as satire it wouldn't work for me.)

filthy light thief: it's not that we don't do the "what the baby is saying" just like we do "what the cat is saying", it's that 1) we don't do it in public; 2) it is not a thing we are using for attention or to make money, etc.; 3) we don't do overtly adult stuff - I don't like it, for instance, if a baby kisses another baby that the adults around them often say something like "ooooo little Ethan has a girlfriend, what a ladies' man he is!" because that's putting adult ideas on little kids and that's not fair to them, they have no concept of that. So my issue particularly is the level it's been taken to in this blog (and other blogs). That's my sensitivity, and my boundary crossed, and it isn't everyone's (obviously, because plenty of people have no problem with this).
posted by flex at 2:09 PM on June 11, 2012 [1 favorite]


I have a two-year-old daughter and I find this disturbingly close to the talking-baby meme in commercials. Creeps me out. And I am all about making fun of my kid.
posted by Kafkaesque at 2:26 PM on June 11, 2012


Toddlers are a lot like cats to me.
posted by MT at 3:14 PM on June 11, 2012


I'm due in 5 weeks. I'm already working on the rap routine I'm going to make the baby do (thow her hand in the ay-ah, wave it like I just don't cay-ah, pull her little chin up and down to rap, pretty much immediately post birth)....isn't this like the best bonus of parenthood?? Pretending to make them say crazy shit?
posted by tristeza at 3:31 PM on June 11, 2012 [5 favorites]


That and the hats. OH THE HATS. It's a gift from God that they're not born knowing how to work their hands.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:13 PM on June 11, 2012 [3 favorites]


rick
posted by pjenks at 7:06 PM on June 12, 2012


« Older Is breastfeeding while using marijuana child abuse...  |  Dogs in cars in California. ... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments