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June 19, 2012 8:06 AM   Subscribe

Cosmo's 44 most ridiculous sex tips: Ben Reininga, who writes "Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life" (a monthly round-up of bad advice from Men's Health, Maxim, etc. - previously) focuses this month on Cosmopolitan magazine. Can you tell real Cosmo sex advice from fake? More from The Frisky (here & here); Cracked (here & here); Persephone (here & here); the Pervocracy's Cosmocking; and Glossed Over's posts tagged "Cosmopolitan". All links probably NSFWish. (previously: working as a fact checker for Cosmopolitan - link here)
posted by flex (136 comments total) 65 users marked this as a favorite

 
Yes ladies, chew on his nutsack and he will be yours forever!
posted by elizardbits at 8:12 AM on June 19, 2012 [16 favorites]


If everyone read all of Cosmo's tips for "mind-blowing sex," we, as a society, would be reduced to merely pairs of assholes, repeatedly jumping through one another.
posted by Danf at 8:13 AM on June 19, 2012 [12 favorites]


Thanks for posting this -- I think Cosmo has a FASCINATING relationship with sex. I read it in early high school and then didn't try it again until I was about twenty and it was both appalling and impossible to put down; the sexuality in it felt so forced, like Cosmo felt like it was joining with its readers to support some vast pretense that sex is enjoyable for women even though we all know it's not. It felt like they might as well have been telling me to think of England. I wish I could remember the articles and writing that made me feel this way because I don't have specifics, but as someone who really likes sex the whole thing felt very alien and pretty sad.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 8:13 AM on June 19, 2012 [30 favorites]


I have the sinking feeling that this is a double, but I don't want to go look because then you'll take this away please let this stay becuase funny
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:13 AM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


Yes ladies, chew on his nutsack and he will be yours forever!

Actually I think stuff like this is part of what I'm talking about; it seems like pretty much all of the advice I see in Cosmo (or on the cover) is about how to make "him" feel good or how to make yourself seem attractive but there's very little advice on how to make your own sex more enjoyable for you.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 8:14 AM on June 19, 2012 [34 favorites]


Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body).

For added hilarity, this will actually cause mine to crack, very loudly, like a knuckle. Imagine that "oh shit" look, if you will.
posted by darksasami at 8:16 AM on June 19, 2012 [20 favorites]


How big a bucket of edible body paint would you need to dip your breasts in it? And what sort of weirdly dexterous breasts allow for painting? Doesn't this just involve lunging at him like a brightly-colored walrus?

This article is so hot.
posted by shakespeherian at 8:17 AM on June 19, 2012 [16 favorites]


Man, Mrs. Pterodactyl, that is absolutely right on. Between the pages of Cosmo, sex is something that women do for men, not something they do together for mutual enjoyment. There are exceptions, but they are rare.
posted by KathrynT at 8:17 AM on June 19, 2012 [7 favorites]


Anyone else have the theme from Shaft running through their head?
posted by jonmc at 8:20 AM on June 19, 2012 [3 favorites]


As a man, I was going through this with increasingly-horrified expressions. You want to do what to what?!

But it's interesting from a psychological and marketing perspective that women's mags seem to exist entirely to cultivate anxiety then sell tips on how to reduce your anxiety about things you wouldn't be worried about if you didn't read so many women's magazines.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 8:20 AM on June 19, 2012 [31 favorites]


I suppose this (from the article) is an exception, plus it gives me an excuse to post it here:

Cosmo: "It's time to introduce your breasts to your favorite vibrator... (how rude of your vadge to have hogged it all these years)."

Jezebel: Your vadge is a hog, women. A hoggy, hoggy vadge. God, that's sexy.

Plus...really? That's your big advice? Jesus, I NEVER would have thought of that! Way to open me up to new and intense peaks of pleasure.

Seriously, though, even the categories here break down pretty male-orientedly; it starts with handjobs, then moves to blowjobs, then breasts are a more even breakdown but (and I think this is the fault of Cosmo, not the article) male sexuality really is prioritized.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 8:22 AM on June 19, 2012


I got 8 out of 18 wrong. And feel somewhat nauseated.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 8:26 AM on June 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


I suppose this (from the article) is an exception, plus it gives me an excuse to post it here:

Cosmo: "It's time to introduce your breasts to your favorite vibrator... (how rude of your vadge to have hogged it all these years)."


I'm just glad to know that their tips for how to make women feel good are just as obvious/stupid as their tips for how to make men feel good.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:26 AM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


With Cosmo’s permission, here are a dozen of their 200 answers to readers’ naughtiest sex questions, which I’m sharing with you because, hey, I’m a giver:

Question 1: How can I tell if I smell OK down there?

Cosmo: “Touch yourself and sniff your finger.”

Genius!

posted by KokuRyu at 8:27 AM on June 19, 2012 [4 favorites]


Is anyone else as irrationally irritated by Cosmo's weird sex-crazed bashfulness, that supremely annoying way they say things like 'his special parts' and 'when you're doing the deed' while giving explicit instructions on watercoloring with your labia majora or whatever?
posted by shakespeherian at 8:29 AM on June 19, 2012 [24 favorites]


"Wear a cinnamony lotion or perfume. The smell of cinnamon buns increases men's blood flow 'down there.'"

Next time you are at an airport Cinnabon and there is only a really bored yet content looking dude at the counter look closely at the product and its icing and remember this.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:30 AM on June 19, 2012 [45 favorites]


The problem is they gave away all the legit tips years ago. They should just reboot and do "Cosmo year 0" or something and start back at the top of the list.
posted by Ad hominem at 8:31 AM on June 19, 2012 [22 favorites]


And have Jim Lee redesign all the covers? Ungh.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:32 AM on June 19, 2012 [16 favorites]


CRISIS ON INFINITE SEX TIPS
posted by shakespeherian at 8:32 AM on June 19, 2012 [49 favorites]


A hoggy, hoggy vadge.

It's a new horrifying sex game from David Cronenberg! It's like Hungry Hungry Hippos crossed with one of those old vibrating-board Football games, but, oh God, no, what is that? Ahhhh! Put it back in the box!! Why the hell did you buy this? This isn't sexy at all!
posted by chambers at 8:32 AM on June 19, 2012 [35 favorites]


From the quiz link:

"If things are getting hot and heavy, stopping the action to go search for a ponytail holder will kill the mood. So instead, grab -- or take off -- your underwear. Simply fold the crotch up so that the thong forms an open circle, twist your hair into a low pony or bun, and use your panties like an elastic band to secure your locks."

Now, I've know that there was a Cosmo tip that told you to use your underwear as scrunchie (I assume my wife read it or something), but I had forgotten that the context was actually while you were having sex. I guess I'm confused as to why you need to run off and get a ponytail holder during sex; is this a problem people have that justifies a kind of gross impromptu solution?

Also, half their advice has this thing for temperature changes that I don't really get. It's like "hot and cold" are the only sensations they've heard of, so when out of ideas they just say "have sex on some cold marbles."
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:32 AM on June 19, 2012 [12 favorites]


Is anyone else as irrationally irritated by Cosmo's weird sex-crazed bashfulness, that supremely annoying way they say things like 'his special parts' and 'when you're doing the deed' while giving explicit instructions on watercoloring with your labia majora or whatever?
posted by shakespeherian at 11:29 AM on June 19 [+] [!]


YES! That drives me nuts! I think it goes along with the "uncomfortable with sex thing" like, "we're giving this really explicit advice but we don't want to talk honestly about our bodies."

Also stuff like "say something X-rated like, 'See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you.'" Seriously? That's X-rated? I guess that might be how you rate snuff films, but I could sort of imagine that slipping by in PG-13.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 8:33 AM on June 19, 2012 [3 favorites]


'Say something X-rated, like, "Let's make out!"'
posted by shakespeherian at 8:34 AM on June 19, 2012 [9 favorites]


Is anyone else as irrationally irritated by Cosmo's weird sex-crazed bashfulness, that supremely annoying way they say things like 'his special parts' and 'when you're doing the deed' while giving explicit instructions on watercoloring with your labia majora or whatever?

Oh no, that's rational.
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 8:35 AM on June 19, 2012 [4 favorites]


YES! That drives me nuts!

I think you mean to say that it drives you man-orbs.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:36 AM on June 19, 2012 [43 favorites]


So, if you get your sex tips from Cosmo, and I get mine from porn videos, everything will work out OK, right?
posted by 2N2222 at 8:37 AM on June 19, 2012 [9 favorites]


But it's interesting from a psychological and marketing perspective that women's mags seem to exist entirely to cultivate anxiety then sell tips on how to reduce your anxiety about things you wouldn't be worried about if you didn't read so many women's magazines.

A while back, I saw the perfect storm of women's mag headline:

ANGELINA: TOO SKINNY TO CONCEIVE?

It has everything--a celebrity hook, baby anxiety, a way for the reader to feel slightly superior to the celebrity, body image anxiety, a way for the reader to feel inferior to the celebrity, and it poses a question you didn't know you had and promises to answer it.
posted by vibrotronica at 8:38 AM on June 19, 2012 [121 favorites]


That is a thing of beauty.
posted by shakespeherian at 8:38 AM on June 19, 2012




Speaking of David Cronenberg, I can't believe the "while fucking outside, find a small, flat stone and press it against his perineum" tip didn't make it in there.
posted by griphus at 8:39 AM on June 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


Men, if she's attempting to chew on your nutsack, it means it's true love.
posted by discopolo at 8:39 AM on June 19, 2012


I'm gonna make it so dry for you, baby...
posted by sexyrobot at 11:39 AM on June 19 [+] [!]


Once I figured out who that was I was never able to watch The Office the same way.
posted by bondcliff at 8:40 AM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


When we were crazy kids, my now-wife and I bought one of those issues on a whim at the grocery store. It didn't make things steamy, mainly because after a page or two I looked at one and said, "A woman must have named that. I'd call it 'The Carrot Snapper'." The ensuing gales of laughter put a damper on things.

For added hilarity, this will actually cause mine to crack, very loudly, like a knuckle. Imagine that "oh shit" look, if you will.
posted by darksasami


Am I the only one who read that as "darksalami"?

Pardon the food metaphors. I must have issues.
posted by yerfatma at 8:44 AM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


Also, while Mrs. Pterodactyl is spot on (I'm not just saying that because we're married), the other problem with Cosmo is that they're not even good tips on how to pleasure men. A guide to pleasuring men for women is something that heterosexual women might find value in reading, even if it would be problematically sexist. As it stands, all Cosmo is doing is ruining people's sex lives by convincing them to spray each other with bottles of water or spend more time mixing lube flavors than actually, you know, having sex.

Oh and the tips on how to tell if a man is cheating:

38. "If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why."
39. "Be especially careful if he is neat, well-groomed or spending more time at the gym."
40. "If his wardrobe is constantly changing, watch out!"
41. "Not ecofriendly? It could be a sign that he'll trash your relationship too."
42. "Keep your eye on a guy who loves to social network - he may need constant attention."


Those might actually ruin people's relationships in addition to their sex lives.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:47 AM on June 19, 2012 [7 favorites]


Never read this stuff before but most of these Cosmo tips seem like pretty solid good advice although communicated in a far too breezy and casual way
posted by Bwithh at 8:49 AM on June 19, 2012


Going to Cosmo or Maxim for sex advice is like asking Stevie Wonder to read you a bedtime story.
posted by reenum at 8:50 AM on June 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


Now, I've know that there was a Cosmo tip that told you to use your underwear as scrunchie (I assume my wife read it or something), but I had forgotten that the context was actually while you were having sex. I guess I'm confused as to why you need to run off and get a ponytail holder during sex; is this a problem people have that justifies a kind of gross impromptu solution?

When you have long hair and you're giving head it really sucks to get your hair all wet because then it sticks to your face and in your mouth and bleh.

But fuck thong scrunchies. My solution was to cut it all off!

The hair, that is.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:50 AM on June 19, 2012 [6 favorites]


Don't touch me there.
posted by tommasz at 8:50 AM on June 19, 2012


Going to Cosmo or Maxim for sex advice is like asking Stevie Wonder to read you a bedtime story.

Because he's blind, get it?
posted by shakespeherian at 8:51 AM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


How dry do you want it...?
posted by Algebra at 8:52 AM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


Going to Cosmo or Maxim for sex advice is like asking Stevie Wonder to read you a bedtime story.

"Genuinely enhanced by the use of small bumps"?
posted by griphus at 8:52 AM on June 19, 2012 [10 favorites]


all Cosmo is doing is ruining people's sex lives by convincing them to spray each other with bottles of water or spend more time mixing lube flavors than actually, you know, having sex.

Yeah, sometimes it reads to me like the people writing these tips have never actually HAD sex or, alternatively, hated it so much that they would rather call time out to do pretty much anything else like finger paint the walls with berry juice. A lot of these aren't sex tips, they're no-sex tips.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 8:52 AM on June 19, 2012 [4 favorites]


Exactly. It all kind of reads like it was written by aliens or nuns or fifth-graders or something.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:54 AM on June 19, 2012 [5 favorites]


I've used to think it was written by gay men who never had sex with women. But I've realized that even my most gynophobic gay brothers would be able to fake it better than the Cosmo advice columnists

Christ, I'd go to Paul Lynde for heterosexual tips before reading Cosmo.

If everyone read all of Cosmo's tips for "mind-blowing sex," we, as a society, would be reduced to merely pairs of assholes, repeatedly jumping through one another.

Well that's okay, because if everyone actually followed that advice, we'd die out in a couple of generations easily.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:58 AM on June 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


A guide to pleasuring men for women is something that heterosexual women might find value in reading, even if it would be problematically sexist.

While I agree that Cosmo is sexist, I don't think that a "man's user manual" aimed at women is necessarily so. Women can explore their own bodies (as can men) in private but finding out about the other side of the railroad tracks necessarily requires another person. Not everyone is comfortable with asking questions (or answering them), not to mention that no single person asked is going to be answer completely generally, so information resources need to exist.
posted by DU at 8:58 AM on June 19, 2012 [4 favorites]


A while back, I saw the perfect storm of women's mag headline:

ANGELINA: TOO SKINNY TO CONCEIVE?

It has everything--a celebrity hook, baby anxiety, a way for the reader to feel slightly superior to the celebrity, body image anxiety, a way for the reader to feel inferior to the celebrity, and it poses a question you didn't know you had and promises to answer it.


Oh, this is perfect. If I wrote that headline, I would've done the Costanza "Goodnight, everybody!" and walked out. You've peaked. No sense sticking around.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 8:59 AM on June 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


Great, I think I just caught a new fetish. Being a fifth-grader and watching nuns abducting aliens.
posted by loquacious at 8:59 AM on June 19, 2012 [5 favorites]


Men, if she's attempting to chew on your nutsack, it means it's true love.

That, or she's a zombie.

I think a better game would be instead of trying to tell real sex advice from fake sex advice, try to tell real sex advice from zombie sex advice.

Because honestly? Having some trouble here.
posted by valkyryn at 9:00 AM on June 19, 2012 [4 favorites]




"New"? Clearly you never hung out at alt.conspiracy.vatican.nun.abductions.aliens.witnessed.fifth-graders.
posted by griphus at 9:02 AM on June 19, 2012 [3 favorites]


While I agree that Cosmo is sexist, I don't think that a "man's user manual" aimed at women is necessarily so.

I think (correct me if I'm wrong) that the problem is not "A User's Guide to Men" because that's pretty reasonable, I think the problem is if women's magazines are solely focused on male pleasure.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 9:03 AM on June 19, 2012


(previously: working as a fact checker for Cosmopolitan - link here)

Jeebus, that one line killed this entire post for me.

Don't get me wrong, I love, I love the idea that they've got some poor couples in a dark room in some corner of the Cosmo empire, tired, dehydrated and with calluses in all sorts of wrong places, whose sweaty, miserable job is to fact check whether or not Cosmo's sex tips actually work as described.

But man, the more of these tips I read the more I though, Christ, those poor, poor people. Somebody has to find them, somehow sneak into the Sex Tips Wing of Mountain Fortress Cosmo, and hack into their system so that once, just once, when the screen lights up with the next thing to try it says "Want to drive you man insane? How about a quiet dinner out somewhere with a competent wine rack and a nice choice of desserts? With some decent conversation, maybe a short art-house movie and nice walk home together!"

Just for one night, you know? One evening, just a few hours of quiet respite before the next time the screen flashes and says that guys love it when you try to gnaw off their left nut after sticking a chopstick in their urethra.

By now, they deserve at least that much.
posted by mhoye at 9:04 AM on June 19, 2012 [31 favorites]


Why are these sex tips so ridiculous though? Is everyone involved complicit and just doing it for the entertainment value? Are there people out there who take these lists seriously?
posted by peacheater at 9:05 AM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


Now, I've know that there was a Cosmo tip that told you to use your underwear as scrunchie (I assume my wife read it or something), but I had forgotten that the context was actually while you were having sex. I guess I'm confused as to why you need to run off and get a ponytail holder during sex; is this a problem people have that justifies a kind of gross impromptu solution?

Men's magazines, too. I mean, according to these lists, your vibrator is for sticking in your sock drawer to use as some kind of honing beacon for sexytimes with your man.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:08 AM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


And, I mean, a lot of the "give him a sexy, sexy surprise" advice is just completely idiotic.
29. "When he's least expecting it, tell your man you need some change. Then stick your hand in his pocket and touch his penis through the fabric, pretending that you're really digging around for that coinage you need. When he's good and hard, whisper something in his ear like, "Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"

30. "Slide your hands down the front of his pants and graze his goods when you can tell he's had a hellish day... He really doesn't want to answer questions like, 'Are you okay?'... but your caress still sends the message that you're picking up his vibe."

31. "Slip your hand into his back pocket and lightly stroke his ass... since it's totally private and hidden from everyone else, it conveys that you're feeling especially attracted to him."
I mean, reverse the genders here, and what it boils down to is, "Try honking her boobs."
posted by Sys Rq at 9:09 AM on June 19, 2012 [33 favorites]


While I agree that Cosmo is sexist, I don't think that a "man's user manual" aimed at women is necessarily so.

I didn't really mean to imply that, I just meant that an alternate universe version of Cosmo with useful sex tips would still be problematic because the focus solely on the male side of the equation without any focus on women's pleasure is sexist. Since this basically doesn't exist in mainstream women's magazines, even an accurate, useful Cosmo would still be sexist.

I didn't mean to imply that a guide to giving blowjobs was inherently sexist; I'm a heterosexual man, so I pretty on board with blowjob education for women.

I would be curious to see what the sex tips in a men's magazine are like. It's been ages since I picked up a Maxim, but I don't remember them having much in the way of tips about sex acts so much as tips on how to pick up women. I'm guessing it's a lot more "ways to talk her into a threesome" than anything else, but I could be wrong.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:10 AM on June 19, 2012


I mean, reverse the genders here, and what it boils down to is, "Try honking her boobs."

Not getting a warm "reception" from your lady? Try tuning in Tokyo!
posted by uncleozzy at 9:14 AM on June 19, 2012 [17 favorites]


...your vibrator is for sticking in your sock drawer to use as some kind of honing beacon for sexytimes with your man.

Remember: when the worm approaches, you must be utterly still and close enough to plant the hook under a ring segment.
posted by griphus at 9:14 AM on June 19, 2012 [25 favorites]


Does Maxim actually have articles? I've never picked one up but I sort of assumed it was all infographics and HDR photos of athletes and actresses in painted-on bikinis.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:16 AM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


53 comments and I'm the first to suggest that maybe the writers at Cosmo are in on the joke?
posted by Nelson at 9:18 AM on June 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


I'm surprised Hoggy Vadge hasn't shown up as a sockpuppet ... yet.
posted by mrgrimm at 9:19 AM on June 19, 2012 [3 favorites]


Remember: when the worm approaches, you must be utterly still and close enough to plant the hook under a ring segment.
omg

David Lynch's Dune movie: best base for a gay porn parody, or bestest? "Usul has called the big one!"
posted by kavasa at 9:20 AM on June 19, 2012 [6 favorites]


I don't think there's any big mystery here. Occam's Razor says that Cosmo knows their audience is mostly inexperienced girls age 13-16, and that Cosmo is written by the kind of misanthropic people who invent and enjoy those terrible fraternity/sorority hazing rituals we occasionally hear about.
posted by straight at 9:20 AM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


Then stick your hand in his pocket and touch his penis through the fabric, pretending that you're really digging around for that coinage you need.

I do this to Mr. Arkham, except I say that I'm looking for candy, and also I am actually looking for candy.

A lot of penis-slapping tips on that list. Repressed feminist rage?
posted by JoanArkham at 9:21 AM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


53 comments and I'm the first to suggest that maybe the writers at Cosmo are in on the joke?

Stupid on purpose is the stupidest kind of stupid.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:22 AM on June 19, 2012 [7 favorites]


OK, confession time: For the last twenty years I've been secretly writing sex advice columns for Cosmo. Yeah, that biting and pulling pubic hair thing? The rugburn towel-twisting handjob technique? That was me. I'm proud of those. I even won bonuses.

Oh, you're right. The advice is terrible. It's supposed to be that bad. Don't try them. You may actually put your guy in the hospital.

I can talk about this now, because the mission is almost over. Cosmo is actually part of a vast fempire conspiracy and 50 year plot to turn conservative "normal" straight women into the worst lays possible so that nerdy women will become ever more desirable over the years, thus rising in power, securing strategically important jobs and spouses and ushering a new era of righteous dominance.

It will be glorious. Finally the jocks, sociopaths and bullies who graduated from Ivy League shools are ousted from boardrooms all over the world after being injured in incidents of genital trauma from their inept mistresses, leading to divorces from their spouse, loss of financial and social status and so on until they collapse under their own weight.

Except... it didn't quite work out that way, obviously. We vastly underestimated the extreme lack of taste in the masses. Frankly, people enjoy and like some patently ridiculous bullshit. Ice cube-mouth wash blow jobs? Seriously? Super sour Warheads crammed into a vagina? Rhinestone nipples? Snooki? Snooki... as an author!?

And now... well, the program is unstable and collapsing. The housing and banking crisis, the cancellation of manned space flight in NASA, the advent of Clamato beer, reality TV, brostep, the Pontiac Aztek, the Jaeger bomb, spray-on-tans... so many things went wrong.
posted by loquacious at 9:24 AM on June 19, 2012 [40 favorites]


And, I mean, a lot of the "give him a sexy, sexy surprise" advice is just completely idiotic.

So true! Whenever I would try to imagine actually doing any of this stuff (ESPECIALLY the thong scrunchie) the scenario played out in my head about like this:

[Scene: A bedroom. A MAN and I are about to become involved in COITUS. I am about to do something WEIRD because Cosmo told me it would be sexy.]

ME, aside to self: Okay, uh, now I will use my underwear as a scrunchie. I think this is weird and uncomfortable but I guess I'll try it because it will make me seem sexy.

MAN: What the hell are you doing?

ME (blustering and self-conscious): I'm using my underwear as a scrunchie (acts huffy)

MAN (Laughing but not exactly mean): Why?

ME: It's sexy (not really feeling sexy myself but trying damn hard since it's been made clear to me that I have to be desirable or what's the point in living)

MAN (genuinely bewildered): It is?

ME: YES. (I become unreasonably mad at him because I did something I knew was stupid to try to seem sexy and it's not working. I start to cry. Fade to black)

You can try the same scene with just saying something dumb from Cosmo or eating a mango before giving a blowjob or whatever, I just can't really picture this going any way other than me feeling defensive and stupid because I did something dumb and now I feel unsexy because the sexy thing Cosmo told me to do doesn't work for me because obviously I'm unattractive and unlovable.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 9:24 AM on June 19, 2012 [12 favorites]


a lot of the "give him a sexy, sexy surprise" advice is just completely idiotic.

I was about to ask "I wonder whether any of the people who write this stuff have actually had sex," and then it hit me -- Cosmo is written by that "wink wink nudge nudge" guy.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:32 AM on June 19, 2012


Biggest danger besides laughter with the panty-scrunchie is that as a guy who is not very good at the sexytime talk, I can see my mouth just blurting out: "Your hair smells like butts."
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:32 AM on June 19, 2012 [13 favorites]


as a guy who is not very good at the sexytime talk, I can see my mouth just blurting out: "Your hair smells like butts."

Who says you're not good at sexytime talk?
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 9:33 AM on June 19, 2012 [10 favorites]


30. "Slide your hands down the front of his pants and graze his goods when you can tell he's had a hellish day... He really doesn't want to answer questions like, 'Are you okay?'... but your caress still sends the message that you're picking up his vibe."

I mean, reverse the genders here, and what it boils down to is, "Try honking her boobs."


See, I think this points to the reason these "tips" all sound so absurd. I think that women (speaking in the most general terms possible) would enjoy having this kind of thoughtful, considered affection; the important thing is that the gesture entails thinking about what your partner needs and wants but may not ask for or even know they would enjoy. The tips are therefore like a way for women to give men the kind of attention they actually want themselves, so that they can try to get the attention back, also without actually asking for it.

Anyway, that's my hypothesis.
posted by clockzero at 9:37 AM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


I've know that there was a Cosmo tip that told you to use your underwear as scrunchie (I assume my wife read it or something)

That sounds a bit like the kind of thrifty-but-crazy homemaker tips that used to be printed in "Take a Break" magazine. Or, of course, the top-tips from Viz.
posted by rh at 9:48 AM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


clockzero - I... I don't really think so.

Now, I'm not a woman! But if I've had a crap day, and it's obvious, and I came home and my boyfriend stuck his hands down my pants I would think "seriously, I look like shit and you want to fuck?" I think many women would have the same reaction.

Something like "hey I could make some dinner" or whatever would be much, much better. And way more likely to result in sex.
posted by kavasa at 9:48 AM on June 19, 2012 [3 favorites]


The paucity of flavors of personal lubricants is the most pressing crisis facing America right now. Obamaaaaaaaa!
posted by edgeways at 9:51 AM on June 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


Something like "hey I could make some dinner" or whatever would be much, much better. And way more likely to result in sex.

Yeah, but if Cosmo just came out and said "Want to please your man? Make sure to have dinner prepared in a timely fashion when he gets home from a hard day's work!" it'd be a little too obvious what the real agenda is.
posted by FatherDagon at 9:54 AM on June 19, 2012 [8 favorites]


Honestly though all of this talk of sexytimes devolving into laughter because of ridiculous sex advice still sounds like damn good sex to me.

Maybe I'll just assume that's what Cosmo was going for. Hell, maybe I'll try some of their advice with the straightest face I can muster and see how long it takes me to crack.
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 9:54 AM on June 19, 2012


Men, if she's attempting to chew on your nutsack, it means it's true love.

That, or she's a zombie.


Or... Bath Salts.
posted by drezdn at 9:57 AM on June 19, 2012 [7 favorites]


This is why I make all of my partners fill out a brief questionnaire before and after coitus.
posted by Eideteker at 9:59 AM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


clockzero - I... I don't really think so.

Now, I'm not a woman! But if I've had a crap day, and it's obvious, and I came home and my boyfriend stuck his hands down my pants I would think "seriously, I look like shit and you want to fuck?" I think many women would have the same reaction.

Something like "hey I could make some dinner" or whatever would be much, much better. And way more likely to result in sex.


Well, I could definitely be wrong. But I meant not that women would necessarily want these particular moves to be made on them, but rather that they probably want their lover to be thoughtful and to focus on arousing their passion rather than, like, doing sex to them, you know?
posted by clockzero at 10:04 AM on June 19, 2012


I'm going to try all of these with people who call the number on my pleasure card.
posted by univac at 10:08 AM on June 19, 2012 [4 favorites]


How to drive your man crazy: touch his penis. Maybe let him put it in your vagina. Repeat as needed.
posted by empath at 10:12 AM on June 19, 2012 [11 favorites]


How is this not here?
Touch him on the penis...
posted by Theta States at 10:15 AM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


Now, I'm not a woman! But if I've had a crap day, and it's obvious, and I came home and my boyfriend stuck his hands down my pants I would think "seriously, I look like shit and you want to fuck?" I think many women would have the same reaction.

You might be wrong about that. What better way to get over a crap day?
posted by emjaybee at 10:21 AM on June 19, 2012


27. [When you've got an annoying roommate] "Rent a horror movie and play it while you have sex. If they hear any screams, they'll assume it's the movie."

"You see this? This is my boomstick!"
posted by zarq at 10:26 AM on June 19, 2012 [12 favorites]


This post is hilariously awesome. I laughed straight through. Kudos on the great link. :-)
posted by wolfdreams01 at 10:37 AM on June 19, 2012


What emjaybee said. I'd be like, I look like shit and you still think I'm pretty? Awesome!
posted by Melismata at 10:38 AM on June 19, 2012


I swear to god there was a tip in Cosmo once about using your scrunchie as a cock ring. Maybe that's why you then have to resort to using underpants as a scrunchie. So... you end up with hair that smells like butts and a wang that smells like hair product? Mmmmm, so hot.
posted by palomar at 10:39 AM on June 19, 2012 [7 favorites]


Maybe that's why you then have to resort to using underpants as a scrunchie

But then there's a tip to use a shopping bag as your underwear, so it all works out.
posted by drezdn at 10:48 AM on June 19, 2012 [4 favorites]


30. "Slide your hands down the front of his pants and graze his goods when you can tell he's had a hellish day... He really doesn't want to answer questions like, 'Are you okay?'... but your caress still sends the message that you're picking up his vibe."

It isn't clear to me that this bit of consideration is supposed to lead directly to intercourse, and I'd think less yet of Cosmo if it did. Kind of.

When I, at least, get home from a hellish day I'm not looking for a lot of contact of any kind. A much more productive move sexually would be to say "Here're two bottles of beer, go ahead and decompress. I'll be in the shower in twenty minutes if you'd like to join me," or whatever, because the sweet chariot isn't going to be swinging low until I've mellowed out.

Of course, if I were twenty again I imagine I'd be much more likely to rise to the occasion.
posted by mr. digits at 10:49 AM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


Next time you are at an airport Cinnabon and there is only a really bored yet content looking dude at the counter look closely at the product and its icing and remember this.

A friend of a friend's description of Cinnabon:

"It's like Willy Wonka came in my mouth!"
posted by zippy at 10:50 AM on June 19, 2012 [10 favorites]


I didn't read every single link, but no mention of fuzzy handcuffs?
posted by desjardins at 10:56 AM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


Maybe we're supposed to fashion makeshift fuzzy handcuffs out of our slipper socks. Yes?
posted by palomar at 10:59 AM on June 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


Actually, pillowcases work great for bondage in a pinch.
posted by desjardins at 10:59 AM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


tl;dr:
1. To make him happy, try sucking his cock.
2. If he appears to be happy already, someone else may be sucking his cock better than you know how.
posted by pracowity at 10:59 AM on June 19, 2012 [11 favorites]


Between the pages of Cosmo, sex is something that women do for men

Actually, in Cosmo sex is a way of summoning magic powers that control men and make them helpless to resist your will (even though you think it's stupid and weird).

That's how they reconcile suppressed feminist anger, adherence to traditional sex roles, and 70's-era stunted sexuality. But I think the formula is only slightly less out-of-touch than Playboy's at this point.
posted by msalt at 11:00 AM on June 19, 2012 [9 favorites]


I'm not sure a mefi thread has ever made me laugh as much as this one.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:07 AM on June 19, 2012 [3 favorites]


robocop is bleeding:Next time you are at an airport Cinnabon and there is only a really bored yet content looking dude at the counter look closely at the product and its icing and remember this.

Actually, you may have spotted Jim Gaffigan.
posted by dr_dank at 11:08 AM on June 19, 2012 [6 favorites]


But I will say this for the underwear as scrunchie folks: that's why I have a ton of bobby pins all over my nightstand. Is this a rubber? No, it's a hairpin. Is THIS a rubber? No, it's a hairpin.
posted by skbw at 11:21 AM on June 19, 2012


I meant to add, though: Helen Gurley Brown's Sex and the Single Girl and Single Girl's Cookbook are classics of their time. I have them both because they were the wildest thing my mother was able to purchase in San Marcos in 1968. The modern blue-state metafilter member may not agree with their every syllable, but there is some good advice in there (and a good recipe for Braunschweiger pate) that bears no relation to the current magazine's content.
posted by skbw at 11:28 AM on June 19, 2012


Some would suggest that a man who believes a hairpin might be a suitable condom has no place in your bed at all. Or that he really knows how to justify his presence there.
posted by mr. digits at 11:33 AM on June 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


Well, I could definitely be wrong. But I meant not that women would necessarily want these particular moves to be made on them, but rather that they probably want their lover to be thoughtful and to focus on arousing their passion rather than, like, doing sex to them, you know?
Oh yeah. I was reading the quoted bit in a doing-sex-to sort of voice.
What emjaybee said. I'd be like, I look like shit and you still think I'm pretty? Awesome!
I agree! The stated example (hand down the pants, straight for the genitals) just didn't seem like that to me. And of course everyone's different etc.
posted by kavasa at 11:39 AM on June 19, 2012


Is this a rubber? No, it's a hairpin. Is THIS a rubber? No, it's a hairpin.

Now all I can think of is "It's a floor wax! No, it's a dessert topping!"

I'm surprised places like Cosmo still exist, given the internet. I'll bet in a few more years, when all the folks with print-only memory are gone, it'll be gone too.
posted by Melismata at 12:17 PM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


"It's a floor wax! No, it's a dessert topping!"

Due to my short-lived career at the sex shop, I have tasted almost every brand and flavor lubricant on the market -- potential customers don't want to taste it for themselves unless you go first -- I can say that floor wax/desert topping is pretty much dead on as far as that product is concerned.
posted by griphus at 12:20 PM on June 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


I have tasted almost every brand and flavor lubricant on the market

A friend of mine told me a story last week about his attempt to buy condoms while on vacation not too long ago. Apparently he has somehow made it to adulthood with a hangup about buying condoms, and rushed through the transaction without sufficient attention.

He had inadvertently bought a 12-pack of single-use flavored lube packets. Sexytimes were, apparently, not had.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:35 PM on June 19, 2012


Thank you for this day brightener. My husband actually came to check on me because I was laughing so hard he thought I was having some kind of fit.
posted by victoriab at 12:36 PM on June 19, 2012


"It's a floor wax! No, it's a dessert topping!"

Just to be clear, that's from a classic SNL clip. (The problem with the internet is that the sarcasm meter is so much harder to read...)
posted by Melismata at 12:38 PM on June 19, 2012


I have tasted almost every brand and flavor lubricant on the market

I assume this is on your resume.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:38 PM on June 19, 2012 [16 favorites]


I couldn't figure out where to put it -- work experience? education? hobbies? -- so I just attached a photo of myself guzzling a bottle of Eros.
posted by griphus at 12:42 PM on June 19, 2012 [19 favorites]


'References available upon request.'
posted by shakespeherian at 12:43 PM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


I was just glad I got a chance to use my degree, honestly.
posted by griphus at 12:54 PM on June 19, 2012 [15 favorites]


I was truly hoping for "Cosmos 44 most ridiculous sex tips"

#32 Want a Big Bang? Wait 10 billion years for sexual reproduction to occur -- the anticipation will drive microorganisms insane!
posted by mazola at 12:58 PM on June 19, 2012 [15 favorites]


Honestly I had no idea that Degree® makes a lubricant.
posted by shakespeherian at 1:00 PM on June 19, 2012


Metafilter: I think this is weird and uncomfortable but I guess I'll try it because it will make me seem sexy.
posted by Danf at 1:26 PM on June 19, 2012


robocop is bleeding: "Biggest danger besides laughter with the panty-scrunchie is that as a guy who is not very good at the sexytime talk, I can see my mouth just blurting out: "Your hair smells like butts.""

Six months later, I was beat up at a Neal Diamond concert by a guy named panty-scrunchie.
posted by mrgoat at 1:31 PM on June 19, 2012 [3 favorites]


I couldn't figure out where to put it -- work experience? education? hobbies? -- so I just attached a photo of myself guzzling a bottle of Eros.

KY is a chuggin' lube. Eros is classy enough for sipping.
posted by FatherDagon at 1:36 PM on June 19, 2012 [11 favorites]


More of a layin' down lube, then, as opposed to a fallin' down lube?
posted by mr. digits at 1:40 PM on June 19, 2012


I devoured Cosmo at 15 because I honestly wanted to be a good lay. The only "tip" I remember from 40 years ago was to use baby oil on your ass every day because men love a smooth, soft bottom. True enough. My husband does love my smooth, soft bottom; fortunately I don't have to rub anything on it.

Here are the things I actually use to keep my sex life smoking:

1) I sometimes surprise him but not by sticking my hands in his pants or wearing panties in my hair, but by looking at him straight in the eye and asking "How would you like a blow job?"

2) For great BJs I get comfortable, he gets comfortable, I use coconut oil and I take my time.

3) To keep the bedroom fun and exciting I mix things up: sometimes we use a lot of lube, sometimes we use no lube. Sometimes I talk dirty, sometimes I don't say anything. I have 10 or 15 different things I can wear-- lacy lingerie, cotton sun dresses, silk kimonos-- and once in awhile I wear nothing at all. Lights on or lights off. It really is the little things that make a difference.


There you have it. It's run-of-the-mill stuff that would never make for a gripping read, but it does make my lover extremely happy.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 1:59 PM on June 19, 2012 [5 favorites]


shakespeherian: "Is anyone else as irrationally irritated by Cosmo's weird sex-crazed bashfulness, that supremely annoying way they say things like 'his special parts' and 'when you're doing the deed' while giving explicit instructions on watercoloring with your labia majora or whatever?"

It's not irrational to hate wrong, wrong, wrong, stupidly salacious advice. Especially subtly* misogynist advice in a women's magazine.

*-to-blatantly
posted by IAmBroom at 2:04 PM on June 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


Getting a blowjob in the front room right after coming home from a shitty day would be wonderful and appreciated.

I'm not sure how we would explain that to the kids, though.
posted by double block and bleed at 2:31 PM on June 19, 2012 [3 favorites]


you know, when I worked in the sex shop, tasting the lube would have been grounds for docking your pay.
posted by lodurr at 2:34 PM on June 19, 2012


This makes me want to be a guest editor with complete control over just one issue.

"In this month's issue, we look at fantastic ways to make sure your man will never cheat on you or run out on you:

-Our top 5 slow-acting poison recipes: poison him before he leaves for work, and you know he'll always come home [for the antidote]!

-Pros/cons of chaining your men up in the basement; we review 19 different kinds of manacles and chains - find the perfect restraints for your budget!

-Hypnosis and mind-control: break his independent will completely!

-How to drive your man crazy: Gaslighting 101! (Sidebar: Asylym or Attic? Where, how, and when to dispose of discarded lovers)

-Countess Bathory's Beauty Secrets Revealed!"
posted by mstokes650 at 3:04 PM on June 19, 2012 [2 favorites]


The advice about "accidentally" calling your SO with masturbating... that wouldn't turn my husband on so much as make him think I was having a stroke or something.
posted by sarcasticah at 3:13 PM on June 19, 2012


The advice about "accidentally" calling your SO with masturbating... that wouldn't turn my husband on so much as make him think I was having a stroke or something.

Maybe I'm just paranoid/insecure, but if my wife pocket-dialed me and all I heard on the other end of the line was sex sounds, I'm guessing "turned on" is not the most immediate emotion I would be feeling.
posted by The Gooch at 3:25 PM on June 19, 2012 [6 favorites]


36. "Hide your turned-on vibrator in his sock drawer. When he figures out where the buzzing is coming from, tell him he gets to experience its pleasure power."
This makes me think of two really cute nerds who like to role-play. One of them is a handsome space cowboy and the other is a rapey space robot who says "Now you will experience the pleasure power." But that game's not for everyone.


When I got to this one, I paused and said "now you will experience the pleasure power" in a monotone. And giggled. I think I might try that on my boyfriend tomorrow.

But "handsome space cowboy and rapey space robot" is really not that far off from what we get up to.
posted by egypturnash at 4:11 PM on June 19, 2012 [3 favorites]


The advice about "accidentally" calling your SO with masturbating... that wouldn't turn my husband on so much as make him think I was having a stroke or something.

"Help, I've fallen on my vibrator and I can't get up!"
posted by Forktine at 5:02 PM on June 19, 2012


"It was a one in a million shot, Doc! A one in a million shot!"
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 5:40 PM on June 19, 2012


Forktine, I think you mean "off."
posted by zippy at 6:03 PM on June 19, 2012 [3 favorites]


When I got to this one, I paused and said "now you will experience the pleasure power" in a monotone.

I just read that in a Henry Kissinger accent in my head and watch out girlfriend I'm about to ruin everything.
posted by griphus at 6:03 PM on June 19, 2012 [10 favorites]


You know how there's this concept that there are only '7 basic plot points' in narrative (warning: TVTropes)?

There's only one for 'Sex Advice from supermarket checkout-line magazines:'

Pay more attention to your partner (and let them know that you were trying to).
posted by porpoise at 7:03 PM on June 19, 2012


women's mags seem to exist entirely to cultivate anxiety then sell tips on how to reduce your anxiety about things you wouldn't be worried about if you didn't read so many women's magazines.

I used to subscribe to magazines about things I was interested in until I realized this was universally true.
posted by randomkeystrike at 8:37 PM on June 19, 2012


A lot of magazines' themes seem to boil down to:
"Not good enough? Buy something!"
posted by Mister Moofoo at 1:07 PM on June 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh, Cosmo, so smutty for so long. I think we all know sex tips when we see them, and these titles make it pretty dang clear what we can expect: "Just Like a Man," "Miles Brewer and the Super-Sex," "His Honor," "The Woman Who Ate Up a Man," "The Empty Sack"... oh my.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:25 PM on June 22, 2012


"I'll take soup"
"Paint my house"

Tough room...
posted by hal9k at 6:22 PM on June 22, 2012


Someone needs to make an automatic generator of Cosmo sex advice, with bits of real tips. Why isn't there one already?
posted by bitteschoen at 4:28 PM on June 23, 2012


Ben Reininga is back with 36 Terrible Sex Tips for Men: a round-up of bad sex advice from Men's Health and Maxim.
posted by flex at 3:59 PM on July 3, 2012


9. "According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster."

1. A part of our heritage.
2. "Wond'ring Aloud" by Jethro Tull.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:00 PM on July 3, 2012


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