Just a fungi

June 21, 2012 7:17 AM

On June 17, a Chinese investigative journalism program called Xi'an Up Close aired a report detailing a "mystery mushroom" discovered by villagers in a rural part of Xi'an city. "I've done my own research on the internet," says one villager. "It's a type of lingzhi mushroom, called the taisui."

Residents of the Liucunbu village on the outskirts of the capital of the Shaanxi province say they came across a strange fungi-like object as they hit bedrock while drilling a new well. The perplexed villagers decided to call up their local TV station for help, which sent intrepid reporter Ye Yunfeng to their sleepy little hamlet to get down to the bottom of things. Reporter Ye then begins to describe the curious object as the camera pans in on it. "As we can all see, this looks like a type of fungus, on both ends of which you'll find mushroom heads." "On this side, you can see what looks like a pair of lips," she adds. "And on that side, there is a tiny hole which extends all the way back to this side. The object looks very shiny, and it feels really fleshy and meaty too."

posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates (57 comments total)

Latte Pass...
posted by SounderCoo at 7:19 AM on June 21, 2012

Way to, eh, bury the, er, lead, there.
posted by gwint at 7:20 AM on June 21, 2012 [4 favorites]

Oh my.
posted by Mooski at 7:20 AM on June 21, 2012

LOL, very young indeed.
posted by Gwynarra at 7:21 AM on June 21, 2012

The tags are so admirably succinct.
posted by kmz at 7:23 AM on June 21, 2012 [24 favorites]

hehe "research on the internet"
posted by HumanComplex at 7:26 AM on June 21, 2012

This sounds like the first chapter of a Junji Ito manga.
posted by Falconetti at 7:26 AM on June 21, 2012 [5 favorites]

That's a, er, dolly grip.
posted by MuffinMan at 7:27 AM on June 21, 2012

I wonder what sort of psychedelic experience one would have after ingesting that thing.
posted by item at 7:30 AM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

Matango!
posted by pracowity at 7:31 AM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

I submit that this is the big key moment in history where we finally see ourselves as we really are, forced to gaze awestruck at the entirety of Modern Civilization and Globalization with a brief glimpse of clarity at how weird and wrong everything is and say WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE AS A SPECIES DOING. WHERE DID WE GO OFF THE RAILS. Or maybe fleshlight sales go up.
posted by naju at 7:33 AM on June 21, 2012 [4 favorites]

I'm pretty sure this is a sanitized viral for the Chinese version of Cluedo. It was General Liu who killed the subversive cunning linguist in the library - with the mushroom!
posted by Foci for Analysis at 7:36 AM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

失敗!
posted by Hollywood Upstairs Medical College at 7:41 AM on June 21, 2012 [3 favorites]

hmmm...chewy.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:43 AM on June 21, 2012

"As our reporter was still very young and unwise to the ways of the world, this report has brought great inconvenience to everyone. We'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone from the bottom of our hearts for your criticism and correction. Please forgive our oversight!"

Nobody knows how to apologize like the Chinese, I tells ya
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:48 AM on June 21, 2012 [15 favorites]

The beast must be fed... information junkies always need a fix.
posted by pdxpogo at 7:49 AM on June 21, 2012

Well, a country that alchemizes "eggs" and recycles steamed buns might justifiably have moments of questionable edibility.
posted by obscurator at 7:50 AM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

This sounds like the first chapter of a Junji Ito manga.

This was actually the same thought I had and I was hoping to open this thread and find us all telling one another creepy stories.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:51 AM on June 21, 2012

Um, ok, so the toy was buried 80m down in the dirt, and I guess the soil didn't look disturbed or anything, so it was buried there... when? And why buried, let alone that deep? The thing looks to be in pretty good condition, and I wonder if this wasn't some prank or hoax that was pulled by one of the locals.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 7:52 AM on June 21, 2012 [4 favorites]

Way to, eh, bury the, er, lead, there.

OOOH YEAH BURY THAT LEAD! BURY IT DEEP AND HARD! BURY IT OVER AND OVER.
posted by nathancaswell at 7:58 AM on June 21, 2012 [3 favorites]

There's a morel to this story.
posted by argonauta at 8:00 AM on June 21, 2012 [22 favorites]

This, according to the Venusians, is why we can't have nice warp drives.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:00 AM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

Looks like he buried that lead balls-deep.
posted by double block and bleed at 8:01 AM on June 21, 2012

The locals could have made a bondage film as hard as they were yanking his chain.
posted by double block and bleed at 8:03 AM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

lede?
posted by obscurator at 8:04 AM on June 21, 2012 [3 favorites]

Sounds like someone was yanking their chain even harder than the locals were yanking his.
posted by nathancaswell at 8:08 AM on June 21, 2012

"That kid over there with the hairy palms told me it was a mushroom."
posted by mule98J at 8:08 AM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

According to my antipode generator, maybe someone buried it in central Argentina.
posted by Mr.Me at 8:12 AM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

Lede.
posted by vverse23 at 8:18 AM on June 21, 2012 [4 favorites]

Is that a previously unknown kind of fungus in your well or are you just happy to see me?
posted by notme at 8:24 AM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

"You won't try this braised mushroom I spent all goddamn night cooking for you? Fine, fuck it then!"
posted by TheRedArmy at 8:26 AM on June 21, 2012 [6 favorites]

The thing looks to be in pretty good condition, and I wonder if this wasn't some prank or hoax that was pulled by one of the locals.

That's the joke.
posted by dhens at 8:26 AM on June 21, 2012

I'm going to save everyone from having to read my version of fungi/porn dialogue and just say that's funny as hell.
posted by Mcable at 8:27 AM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

The voiceover in that news report is so farcical that I assumed they were in on the joke, and perhaps this is viral marketing. Can a Chinese speaker enlighten us?
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:47 AM on June 21, 2012

We'll decide what we need to be saved from, Mcable. Let's hear it.
posted by MsVader at 8:48 AM on June 21, 2012

The tags are so admirably succinct

Yes, but also needs an umame tag.
posted by mcstayinskool at 8:52 AM on June 21, 2012

I'm curious about the choice of the word "villager" throughout the translated article. In Chinese, are they using an innocuous term or one that immediately frames the story as if they'd used "yokel" or "bumpkin"?
posted by rh at 8:53 AM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

Um, ok, so the toy was buried 80m down in the dirt, and I guess the soil didn't look disturbed or anything, so it was buried there... when? And why buried, let alone that deep? The thing looks to be in pretty good condition, and I wonder if this wasn't some prank or hoax that was pulled by one of the locals.

Wells aren't dug in a day. I wouldn't be surprised if late one night, someone just tossed that thing down there and threw some dirt on top of it. Any number of reasons why, probably - chronic masturbater going cold turkey, an embarrassed mother getting rid of something she found under her son's bed, a sex toy vendor doing viral advertising, who knows. I'm just impressed at the improvisation the young reporter did there. "Ah, uh ... yeah! That right there's a lingzhi mushroom if I ever saw one, yep. Should probably marinate that first."
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:14 AM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

Seriously, though, the word "vajayjay"? Just don't.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 9:47 AM on June 21, 2012

I was wondering if the story would go in this direction...
posted by kaibutsu at 9:57 AM on June 21, 2012

Or even this one.
posted by kaibutsu at 9:57 AM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

I have never done this kind of shroom.
posted by Kabanos at 9:59 AM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

Damn, the Onion News Network's hand gets harder and harder to detect.
posted by benito.strauss at 10:02 AM on June 21, 2012

That story was a total wank.
posted by Skygazer at 10:12 AM on June 21, 2012

Lede and lead are equally valid. Citing Wikipedia:

In the news journalism industry, particularly in the United States, the particular news styles of lead are sometimes referred to by the neologism lede. This term is absent from almost all print dictionaries, though it has recently started to appear in some online-edition US dictionaries such as Merriam-Webster.com (it does not appear in any of their print versions, even unabridged) and TheFreeDictionary.com.

I prefer lead.
posted by NailsTheCat at 1:00 PM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

多亏不是黑木耳。
posted by Abiezer at 1:57 PM on June 21, 2012

The voiceover in that news report is so farcical that I assumed they were in on the joke, and perhaps this is viral marketing. Can a Chinese speaker enlighten us?

Do you mean the newscaster's voice or the reporter's? Both sound normal to me. The reporter speaks a tiny bit faster than I'd like, but she enunciates fairly well.

I'm curious about the choice of the word "villager" throughout the translated article. In Chinese, are they using an innocuous term or one that immediately frames the story as if they'd used "yokel" or "bumpkin"?

"Villager" is used neutrally. China still has a significant (albeit shrinking) rural population; "villager" is the term to describe someone who, well, lives in a village.
posted by fatehunter at 2:57 PM on June 21, 2012

If this isn't a hoax, I'll eat my hat.

Lede and lead are equally valid. Citing Wikipedia:

In the news journalism industry, particularly in the United States, the particular news styles of lead are sometimes referred to by the neologism lede. This term is absent from almost all print dictionaries, though it has recently started to appear in some online-edition US dictionaries such as Merriam-Webster.com (it does not appear in any of their print versions, even unabridged) and TheFreeDictionary.com.

I prefer lead.

As do I. I find it... disappointing that the newspaper industry invented a new word because they presumed that WRITERS could not figure out the difference between lead story and lead pipe.

Now all it seems to be is a secret handshake word, used to tell people they are "in the industry".
posted by gjc at 3:42 PM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

viral advertising

Please, please. We've moved passed the viral stage. Clearly, this is fungal advertising.
posted by Ghidorah at 5:16 PM on June 21, 2012 [4 favorites]

kaibutsu: "Or even this one."

Oh man, I read that on some site that had a bunch of horror manga, and ... do you know where I can find the one where they have the abortion contest? And they have all the aborted fetuses end up being made into some bizarre sort of fetal ikebana arrangements? Oh, it's FABULOUS! If you do then... LINK PLEASE!
posted by symbioid at 5:56 PM on June 21, 2012

hmmm...chewy.

No. Maybe his mom?
posted by obiwanwasabi at 8:15 PM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

I've seen some pretty weird newscasts on CCTV in the past, but this one takes the mushroom.
posted by arcticseal at 8:28 PM on June 21, 2012

I'm a frayed knot.
posted by pracowity at 2:34 AM on June 22, 2012

Enterprising street seller now passing off artificial vajayjays as taisui mushrooms!
posted by homunculus at 12:43 PM on June 22, 2012

"What do you call this unusual mushroom?"

"The Aristocrats!"
posted by lekvar at 1:10 PM on June 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

Discover What Traditional Chinese Medicine Knows about Mushrooms

"The taisui mushrooms (a type of lingzhi mushroom) are rich with healing compounds and are touted as being beneficial for the health of both the prostate and the heart. Taisui mushrooms are also considered to be effective for curing epididymal hypertension (blue balls). Chinese medicine routinely utilizes taisui mushrooms for treatment of temporary acute inflammation especially in the penis."
posted by Monkey0nCrack at 9:14 AM on June 23, 2012 [3 favorites]

"This is my hole! It was made for me!"
posted by mendel at 8:31 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]