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June 29, 2012 3:32 PM   Subscribe

Battleship taught us that everything can be made into an action film. Even Dora the Explorer.
posted by Memo (41 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite

 
10 bucks that Dora is a narcotraficante.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 3:36 PM on June 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Swiper no swiping!

...I dunno, her head isn't sufficiently melon shaped to be Dora really, but that's Hollywood for you. Needs more of a rigid, bowl like hair-do...

FWIW Drunk Hulk sort of defends Battleship here, at least in relation to MIB3.
posted by Artw at 3:40 PM on June 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Due to my use of Adblock I couldn't get past the labyrinth of active content... the link might be temporary but I was able to download it here. Collegehumor, you really need to cut back on all that Javascript.
posted by crapmatic at 3:47 PM on June 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


Oh, and the map was absolutly the best bit. Stupid map.

Needed more pauses though. Can you tell where it needed pauses?







That's right!
posted by Artw at 3:48 PM on June 29, 2012 [16 favorites]


I see they've got the recipe of an action trailer down to the last detail, too.
1. One-minute music buildup.
2. Silence.
3. Catchphrase.
4. Explosion.
5. Decaying note and title cards.

I wonder if that recipe will ever go out of style.
posted by crapmatic at 3:50 PM on June 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Some DURRNS, but no EEEEOOOOO.
posted by Artw at 3:52 PM on June 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Three or four years ago, I got a ride from someone involved in the development of Battleship. He's a really nice guy, and was clearly excited by the project, and, hell, he was giving our sorry asses a ride. He described the inherent problem of making a movie out of the Battleship board game—that although the idea of "battleships" might seem exciting (Strong military leads! War! Survival! Explosives! Awesome, gigantic machines!), the game's very dynamic is inherently dull, and is particularly ill-suited to filming. But lo, though those may seem like insurmountable flaws, his office had come up with a solution. He paused, took a deep breath, and said, "Aliens."

I said nothing. But I also didn't burst out laughing, and of that, I am proud.

FYI, Candy Land, not Dora, is next.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 3:54 PM on June 29, 2012 [5 favorites]


Candy Land? Already done by Strauss and Mahler (and Death).
posted by Talkie Toaster at 3:58 PM on June 29, 2012


Well I'll say this for Battleship, I enjoyed it a lot more than Prometheus, especially the bit where all the ancient non-actors reboot the old ship. That should have been the whole movie. (Though it wasn't as good as Iron Sky).
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:01 PM on June 29, 2012


Also, being non-American, literally all I know about Dora the Explorer is Kevin Smith's rant about it... so I might be missing a few nuances.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:02 PM on June 29, 2012


Still waiting for The Oregon Trail.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 4:06 PM on June 29, 2012


Battleship was simple fun. Disappointing that no one exclaimed "You sunk my battleship!"

MiB3 was surprising good, but the bar was low after MiB2.

Prometheus was a great film, but people won't realize that for a while .

Pretty much any idea can work as a film, but the implementation matters.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:07 PM on June 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Also, being non-American, literally all I know about Dora the Explorer is Kevin Smith's rant about it... so I might be missing a few nuances.

Oh, they have it over there... talk to people with kids. This is pretty well observed, but it doesn't get over just how irritating the thing sounds.
posted by Artw at 4:09 PM on June 29, 2012


For those of you who saw "Battleship", please tell me that at some point in the movie someone looked just to the side of the camera and grimly said "You. sunk. my..... BATTLESHIP!".

Also, I really like the fake poster for Hungry Hungry Hippos.
posted by benito.strauss at 4:10 PM on June 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


The current rule of thumb seems to be If you think it's a horrible idea to make or remake, it's in production somewhere...

Hey look! A less violent, more patriotic Starship Troopers.
posted by Artw at 4:13 PM on June 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


Battleship is cool because this guy is in it and he is cool.
posted by oflinkey at 4:16 PM on June 29, 2012


For those of you who saw "Battleship", please tell me that at some point in the movie someone looked just to the side of the camera and grimly said "You. sunk. my..... BATTLESHIP!".

SPOILER: That does not happy. I know, I was gutted too.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:19 PM on June 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Total Recall Comparison

And from the latest trailer it looks like the triple breasted whore is in it. Wearing a bra.

As there's now been so many I'll often forget a particular film has been remade... but then occasionally you'll be reminded of it or the fact will just jump into your head, and I'll be all 'WHY???!!!'
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:24 PM on June 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


I was disappointed because I wanted Dora to yell at Map "STAND UP! GET ON YOUR FEET! UP! UP!" and then make him dance or something. Also at one point she should have had her back to the camera, and then just turned her head around quickly, so that her bob swished a little bit, and then in a low, bad-ass voice said "say it with me."
posted by nushustu at 4:25 PM on June 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


And from the latest trailer it looks like the triple breasted whore is in it. Wearing a bra.

Something about that particular bit of pandering sinks my heart, and I'm pretty pro-triboob.
posted by Artw at 4:25 PM on June 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


This is funny.
I wish they would reboot Dora into some kind of hacker-archaeologist-not-getting-married-till-I'm-firmly-into-my-career-type heroine.
Because, as a dad with a little girl, the world needs more people like Dora.
posted by hot_monster at 4:40 PM on June 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


Why in the name of all that is good and caring would you go — let alone pay! — to see Battleship?
posted by five fresh fish at 4:44 PM on June 29, 2012


I used to watch a lot of blues' clues in college but I couldn't watch Dora. Way too much screaching. I would imagine in horror a bunch of little kids running around the house screaming

BACKPACK BACKPACK

BACKPACK BACKPACK

BACKPACK BACKPACK


Anyway this was cute. Do Blues Clues next.
posted by bleep at 4:49 PM on June 29, 2012


Battleship taught us that everything can be made into an action film.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.
posted by Splunge at 4:52 PM on June 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Jennifer Lopez is producing a Carmen Sandiego movie. It might end up looking exactly like this. Except, you know, less grumpy trolls and more Rockapella.
posted by Gary at 4:54 PM on June 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


Weird thing about Blues Clues: They have a different host for each market, but they keep the hands drawing in the notebook the same, regardless of ethnicity.
posted by Artw at 4:58 PM on June 29, 2012


What? No. It's all about "Battleship II: Stratego"
posted by rhizome at 5:00 PM on June 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


And from the latest trailer it looks like the triple breasted whore is in it. Wearing a bra.

Len Wiseman is no Paul Verhoeven.
posted by rhizome at 5:03 PM on June 29, 2012


What? No. It's all about "Battleship II: Stratego"

No, no, no... Mastermind.
posted by Artw at 5:05 PM on June 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


Given the new trend of remaking Paul Verhoeven films but making them less Verhoeveny I can only assume that there will be a Basic Instinct remake in which some stand in for Sharon Stone - Jennifer Lawrence perhaps? - is constantly pointing out that she is wearing pants.
posted by Artw at 5:08 PM on June 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


(After teaming up with a cop to solve the icepick murder of a rockstar she renounces her sexy-sex person ways and marries him. Then at the wedding there is a gigantic unordered icesculpture - the killer, the drummer from the band dressed as a woman, bursts out of it! They defeat him and then drive into the sunset)
posted by Artw at 5:13 PM on June 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Dude, I would watch the hell out of this movie. They'd have to do it right, with all of the pauses and the audience participation and all that. But this would be GREAT.

Also, this.
posted by jbickers at 5:23 PM on June 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Anyone here seen the Youtube video that was a trailer for Where's Waldo as a spy thriller?
posted by Night_owl at 5:47 PM on June 29, 2012


Ah, here it is.
posted by Night_owl at 5:50 PM on June 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


Oh, come on. Obviously it will be Battleship II: Electronic Talking Battleship.
posted by oulipian at 6:43 PM on June 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


RobotVoodooPower: "Still waiting for The Oregon Trail ."

Meek's Cutoff is about the Oregon Trail, but good.
posted by Apropos of Something at 6:51 PM on June 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


Battleship wasn't as terrible as I thought it would be. I had to give it a few chuckles for the contrived way they ported the grid from the head-to-head game over to the storyline. It's one of those gleaming Hollywood turds that I have no problem watching via pirated cam video on my tablet.

But anyway, I thought my idea for a film adaptation of the game was much better than boring-ass generic invading aliens.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:15 PM on June 29, 2012


Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Life, ah, finds a way.
posted by adamdschneider at 7:28 PM on June 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


I wish they would reboot Dora into some kind of hacker-archaeologist-not-getting-married-till-I'm-firmly-into-my-career-type heroine.

Now I am seeing some sort of Girl With The Dora Tattoo mash-up.
It's messy.

I enjoyed this, but I spent five minutes playing a Dora game with a 4yo girl, so I could grasp some of the humour. If not for that I'd be less amused than I am.
So, it was good.
posted by Mezentian at 9:40 PM on June 29, 2012


And from the latest trailer it looks like the triple breasted whore is in it. Wearing a bra.

That's too bad, I love seeing bare booobs.
posted by 445supermag at 9:48 PM on June 29, 2012


The best subtext-free remake would be the story of a good guy taxi-driver who saves a child hooker from a gang of evil pimps.
posted by Artw at 11:35 AM on June 30, 2012 [2 favorites]


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