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Boxer vs. Tortoise
July 12, 2012 6:39 PM   Subscribe

Tortoise chases dog FUNNY
posted by griphus (58 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

 
Spoiler alert: no one falls in the pool although it looms enticingly throughout!


you are so high right now, aren't you.
posted by elizardbits at 6:46 PM on July 12, 2012 [11 favorites]


Dog didn't think it was all that "FUNNY"!


all CAPS? REALLY?

posted by HuronBob at 6:48 PM on July 12, 2012


i don't recognize this acronym F U N N Y
what does it stand for
posted by TwelveTwo at 6:53 PM on July 12, 2012 [2 favorites]


There is a certain inevitability to the tortoise's movements that makes it a little scary, like a pint-sized Dalek. I imagine it thinking, "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" while Dr Woof retreats.

Also, I bet it has trouble with stairs.
posted by SPrintF at 6:54 PM on July 12, 2012 [15 favorites]


I like tutle
posted by hal9k at 6:57 PM on July 12, 2012 [4 favorites]


another hilarious one I found via this: tortoise chasing cats
posted by melissam at 6:58 PM on July 12, 2012 [1 favorite]


Stairs with opera.

Stairs.... fail

Tortoise, interspecies sex. (you know you want to watch this)
posted by HuronBob at 7:01 PM on July 12, 2012 [5 favorites]


oh my god tortoise down stairs fail is frightening
posted by TwelveTwo at 7:07 PM on July 12, 2012


L@@K VINTAGE I LOLED L@@K
posted by DU at 7:07 PM on July 12, 2012


Now if only a shark had jumped out of the pool.
posted by cashman at 7:08 PM on July 12, 2012 [1 favorite]


i don't recognize this acronym F U N N Y

Fuck Uverybody Nuu Nuu Yiss

How could you grow up on Earth and not know that's what FUNNY stands for?
posted by "Elbows" O'Donoghue at 7:12 PM on July 12, 2012 [2 favorites]


Is this where I talk about the guy who takes his pet tortoise for walks at one of the more popular bookstores in town? Because, there is totally a guy who takes his pet tortoise for walks at one of the more popular bookstores in town. It was incredibly bizarre the first time I saw it, but he's apparently there all the time (I suspect that he likes the attention).
posted by asnider at 7:15 PM on July 12, 2012 [1 favorite]


Dog saved by Tortoise fight gone amok
posted by A Thousand Baited Hooks at 7:19 PM on July 12, 2012 [4 favorites]


I'd be so stoked to have a land tortoise/turtle as a pet, but I'm awfully afraid that I'd end up stepping on them by accident.

How resistant are these fellas to being accidentally stepped on - and are they potty trainable?
posted by porpoise at 7:27 PM on July 12, 2012


Guy moves like a Koopa Troopa. You know he's going to turn around and head unstoppably straight for you, and yet it's dreadful every time he does.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:32 PM on July 12, 2012 [4 favorites]


Shit! I had forgotten this....

When I was a youngster, 1959 or so, 11 years old, I was wandering through the old part of town and finally gave in. We didn't go down there often, the shops were small doored, dark places, windows covered with dirt so you couldn't really see inside.

They all had odd names like "Brezniks Organic Prosthetics", and "Walt's Indigenous Meats", and "Deflowering Salon", and "Original Circus Rebirth Shop".... but the one that always got my attention, the one that called to me, was the one called "House of Unlikely Temporal Projections".

I sort of understood what the rest of those dingy places might hold, or I could at least conjure interesting pictures of what I would find inside. But "House of Unlikely Temporal Projections", that one just made no sense.

I gave in on July 12, 1959, it was late, but the lights were still on... I slowed, dropped the red Schwinn in front of the small door into HoUTP (that's what we all called it, it seemed Egyptian or something to us, it seemed to fit).

As I walked in, I knew it was a mistake, but the power was strong. The door slammed shut behind me, and I swear it latched, but I was afraid to check, I did NOT want to know that I was stuck in there.

The place seemed empty, there were no shelves, no displays, no merchandise, Just two chairs, a small table, a clock, and a calendar with no year indicated. I knew what to do, I walked to the chair, sat down, and waited.

He came out of a door I hadn't noticed, I'm still not even sure the door was even there. A small man, dressed in shopkeeper clothes, but he wore watches... many, many watches, and, in his pocket I could see an Old Farmer's Almanac.

He sat at the other chair, looked at me closely, looked at his watch and pulled the Almanac out of his pocket. "July 12th", he said, "9:39 pm", he said, "2012" he said.

"It's only 1959", I responded (everything else he said was right).

"TEMPORAL PROJECTIONS!" he screamed... it was like he said it with "all CAPS".

He looked me in the eye and started to talk, it was a chant mated with a moan, it sounded like he was in pain.

With one hand on the calendar, the other on the Almanac which, now I could see, was dated 2012, the words flowed...

"you'll graduate from High School, you'll go to college, a degree, no, two degrees". His head nodded and then snapped back up, "a family, jobs, a career"... he nodded again. "you'll be successful, respected, looked up to."

Well shit, I thought, this all sounds pretty good! I wanted to believe this stuff, I don't know why, but when you're 11 years old, you want to know that it will all work out... I was getting into this, big time!

And then, then he said it and my dreams crashed and burned, just like those god damned control line planes we all had that didn't last one flight before we drove them into the ground. He took the control handle and drove my life into the dirt... "you're 64 years old, July 12th, 2012, and the best thing you'll have to do is to talk to people you don't know, people miles away, some of them probably are actually dogs, nobody knows you're a dog on the internet."

What the hell did that mean, what the hell is an "Internet"?

"You'll be talking about turtles, watching little tiny, tiny movies about turtles, that's the best you have, that's your life, that's what you worked for 64 years to achieve......"

He fell off the chair, still clutching the almanac.

I sat there, staring.... then stood up.

"You're a fool", I said, "that makes no sense, no sense at all, why would someone who had all of that end up talking about turtles."

I left...
posted by HuronBob at 7:32 PM on July 12, 2012 [61 favorites]


It's going to eat her! And then it's going to eat me! OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!
posted by Nomyte at 7:48 PM on July 12, 2012 [5 favorites]


I like the way the dog takes a moment to sniff the tortoise's butt (about 17 seconds in). You have to wonder what the dog is thinking. "This is some kind of killer Roomba robot thing and I have to defend us from it. On the other hand, maybe it knows about a good meal somewhere."
posted by twoleftfeet at 7:49 PM on July 12, 2012 [3 favorites]


i'm ok with this, but i think if they're going to let the tortoise run around on concrete like that they should get it some little rubber boots. it sounded pretty scritchy.
posted by facetious at 7:53 PM on July 12, 2012


why would someone who had all of that end up talking about turtles

Sorry to inform you, but it's turtles all the way down.
posted by twoleftfeet at 7:56 PM on July 12, 2012 [8 favorites]


ROCKS DO NOT GENERALLY CHASE ME

BARK BARK BARK

SOMETHING IS WRONG

BARK BARK BARK
posted by griphus at 7:57 PM on July 12, 2012 [24 favorites]


"You're a fool", I said, "that makes no sense, no sense at all, why would someone who had all of that end up talking about turtles."

I left...


HuronBob, you're actually Thomas Ligotti, aren't you?
posted by SPrintF at 8:03 PM on July 12, 2012 [6 favorites]


Master Oogway is being a jerk again
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:07 PM on July 12, 2012


SPrintF, nope, I'm a good 5 years older than that kid, but, thanks for that comment, made me smile.
posted by HuronBob at 8:10 PM on July 12, 2012


There is a certain inevitability to the tortoise's movements that makes it a little scary, like a pint-sized Dalek. I imagine it thinking, "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" while Dr Woof retreats.


Yeah there is something nakedly hard wired and robotic in tortoise movements that makes them kind of to watch, like windup toys with willpower.

GO FOWARD
GOING FOWARD SUCESSFUL
SEE OBJECT
GO FOWARD TOWARD OBJECT
OBJECT FOUND SUCESSFUL
BITE OBJECT
BITE OBJECT FAIL
GO FOWARD
SEE OBJECT
OBJECT FIND SUCESSFUL
BITE OBJECT...

And so on. I wonder if they ever get into halting problems.
posted by The Whelk at 8:18 PM on July 12, 2012 [14 favorites]


How would a turtle chase a dog normally? I mean, if this one is the funny way, what is the regular way?

Also, I was once chased by a snapping turtle and can attest that it chased me in the regular way, if the regular way is a thing the size of a coffee table with a dinosaur head hissing madly as it hurtled toward me at a disturbing reptilian gallop. Snapping turtles are scary.
posted by winna at 8:19 PM on July 12, 2012 [5 favorites]


The tortoise is sort of like natures version of a tank.
posted by Harpocrates at 9:00 PM on July 12, 2012 [1 favorite]


Yeah twoleftfeet, I love how a dog is literally incapable of resisting the urge to sniff the turtle's butt, once it has been ascertained that moving rock contains a butt to be sniffed.
posted by smoke at 9:01 PM on July 12, 2012 [13 favorites]


I youtube doubled this with one of the Monks tracks two posts up. It hangs together for quite a while ...

You're welcome.
posted by carter at 9:24 PM on July 12, 2012


Of course I always scan the side bars on youtube to see what else may be of interest. I really need to stop doing that.

If you're all about GO TURTLE, I suppose you could check out Turtle bites dog's balls, which, amazingly, does what it says on the cover.

At first I'm all like poor turtle, the dog is gnawing on its shell, but then I'm all, "Stupid turtle, the dog shoved you away, run for it." But this turtle is a strong believer in spay and neuter.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:31 PM on July 12, 2012 [4 favorites]


HuronBob: "Stairs with opera.

Stairs.... fail

Tortoise, interspecies sex. (you know you want to watch this)
"

I'm more partial to this one

Also, even tortoises are cute as hell when they fuck.

(and now that I've played that with my current music, I find that at some points the rhythm really seems to go well with Justice One by Geoff Barrow and Ben Salisbury, who knew that Vangelian Bladerunner 80s Synth and Tortoise sex went so well together.
posted by symbioid at 9:38 PM on July 12, 2012 [1 favorite]


Some of the scarier moments in my life where when I was in grad school, living with a fellow student who had a turtle (tortoise, whatever) about that size (he was recently divorced -- she got the car, he got the reptile). He had a Huge tank for it to swim in and a smaller tank to act as filter (turtles [tortoises, whatever] are gross, btw), and he had this platform with a lamp for it to "sun" on. Every once in a while it would fall off this platform. Then you have to pick it up and put it back on the platform.

Turtles hiss. It's surprisingly scary. I had to pick it up twice, and I wore thick winter gloves both times. I don't blame the dog.
posted by dirigibleman at 10:10 PM on July 12, 2012


After a thorough review of the videos linked in this thread, I have come to the conclusion that jeez louise, tortoises are jerks.
posted by Flunkie at 10:11 PM on July 12, 2012 [2 favorites]


We once looked after a friends pet tortoise, Speedy. Speedy was huge, basketball sized and he was supposed to get more exercise than he had been. So each day we'd put him at the front of the house and he'd make his way to the rear to sleep under a bed. Slowly and ponderously. And accompanied by a semi-hysterical pack of dogs daring each other to leap in and touch his shell then falling over backwards trying to get away from him.
posted by fshgrl at 10:41 PM on July 12, 2012 [2 favorites]


About a month ago I came upon a big-ass turtle walking down the sidewalk at midnight in my neighborhood in downtown Baltimore. This thing was wearing a shell well over a foot long and was zipping along past all the fast food wrappers and empty vodka mini-bottles as if on a serious mission. There is no nature to speak of anywhere near there - this poor bastard had probably been someone's pet that had become too big to deal with - big ol' sharp claws flapping around could do some damage too. Upon getting the turtle home we immediately put it in a big plastic bin with some water and bricks and stuff but the dog was completely freaked out just seeing this strange opaque shape and hearing it sloshing around and surely smelling it. When we let the turtle go in a big lake the next day I swear the dog seemed to almost be thrilled to see it going off where it belonged. She watched it swimming and floating and swimming and kept looking back at us like "hey do you see this shit?! That thing is out there in the water! What the hell?!"
posted by zoinks at 10:55 PM on July 12, 2012 [3 favorites]


And so on. I wonder if they ever get into halting problems.

As someone who had a tortoise as a family pet, yes, they do get into such problems.

We watched our family tortoise Petey go back to the corner of the kitchen, circle the dust pan, then walk toward the door, then return to the corner, circle the dust pan, then return, then the dust pan, then return-- for half an hour but, honestly, it may have been longer, maybe up to two hours, we were distracted at the time. When we did finally notice that our pet tortoise was making identical laps about columns, brooms, and tables, we all sat and made sure that old Petey was indeed performing such a repetition, and then later, after the laughter, we felt so bad for Petey that we lifted him back to his water and broke the recursion.

Then he pee'd. Thus his name.
posted by TwelveTwo at 10:59 PM on July 12, 2012 [3 favorites]


I'm not sure if "chasing" is the verb I'd use to describe this interaction. That tortoise moves like a big green Roomba that leaves droppings instead of removing them.
posted by bicyclefish at 11:45 PM on July 12, 2012 [1 favorite]


I once saw a tortoise chasing a hare. The hare easily got ahead of the tortoise, but then it started to slack off and the slow-moving tortoise caught up and passed the hare.

I mention this only as a lesson to all of us. Watch out for the tortoises! Those sick motherfuckers will sneak up on you!
posted by twoleftfeet at 11:55 PM on July 12, 2012 [3 favorites]


there is something nakedly hard wired and robotic in tortoise movements that makes them kind of to watch, like windup toys with willpower.

That's because they execute all operations in shell script.
posted by twoleftfeet at 12:07 AM on July 13, 2012 [12 favorites]


Bulldogs prepare for tortoise combat by training with tether ball
posted by homunculus at 12:11 AM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


housepets are cowards.
posted by camdan at 1:56 AM on July 13, 2012


How resistant are these fellas to being accidentally stepped on - and are they potty trainable?

If you step on a tortoise, you are more likely to break your foot than the tortoise, to be honest. On the downside, they are not remotely potty trainable.

They do make fascinating pets but getting one is basically a lifetime commitment - they live extremely long lifespans when well cared for but unfortunately half of them die prematurely in captivity because owners don't know how to look after them. On top of that, knowledgeable reptile vets are very thin on the ground so it can be difficult for even well-intentioned owners to do right by these pets. Tortoises are really a specialist thing.

I previously was the vacation home for a tortoise and currently have a boxer, as it happens, and I would not want to combine the two. I don't know how anyone could think the tortoise in the video is anything but stressed, and... I dunno, just put the dog indoors and stop being an asshole, maybe?
posted by DarlingBri at 2:55 AM on July 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


Is this where I talk about the guy who takes his pet tortoise for walks at one of the more popular bookstores in town? Because, there is totally a guy who takes his pet tortoise for walks at one of the more popular bookstores in town. It was incredibly bizarre the first time I saw it, but he's apparently there all the time (I suspect that he likes the attention).

Oh, I see you've met your first flâneur.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 3:47 AM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


As a past entrant/spectator for my hometown's annual Independence Day Turtle Races, I can confirm that turtles/tortoises can be REALLY FAST when motivated. IIRC the races switched from a traditional straight track to a large ring with the competitors (usually box turtles) released in the middle and the declared winner the first turtle to cross the outside circle, because on the straight track problems with pet turtles that crossed the finish line and kept going, making their escape.
posted by nicebookrack at 4:12 AM on July 13, 2012


Thanks AHaWO, you've given a name to my newly chosen profession. Flâneur.... it just rolls off your tongue.

brb, folks, I'm going for a stroll.

/puts motorcycle helmet on cat's back..."there, that will have to do.." ...heaven knows where the tortoise has gotten off to...
posted by HuronBob at 4:14 AM on July 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


That's striking me as being a mite more "dog bounces around panicing in front of turtle", but the dude with the cats? He's on a mission!
posted by Iteki at 4:39 AM on July 13, 2012


I find myself clicking on these types of videos less and less. There's something kind of cruel about watching an animal suffer through so much frustration. It's all very amusing for humans who stand from afar and watch as one animal chases another. But, I think we can all agree, no one enjoys being teased relentlessly. Think back to when your sibling would point their finger in your face, not physically touching you, but enough that it's in your face and it's bothering you. Now picture your mom and dad laughing at you as you try to move your face away from that finger, now picture mom and dad recording your frustration as you back into a corner while your sibling continues to annoy/tease you.
posted by Fizz at 4:56 AM on July 13, 2012


Fizz: Now picture your mom and dad laughing at you as you try to move your face away from that finger, now picture mom and dad recording your frustration as you back into a corner while your sibling continues to annoy/tease you.

Yeah, they always turned the camera off when I turned green and came out swinging. Guess who got the time out.
posted by halfbuckaroo at 5:14 AM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


As a teenager, I worked at the local airport which had a turtle problem. This particular problem was about two and a half feet long and very irritable. It lived in a small pond next to the runway (more like an overgrown puddle, really) and occasionally decided it desperately needed to make it to the woods on the other side of the runway.

So, every now and then we'd get frantic calls on the radio from pilots trying to land exhorting us to remove the large thing off the runway. It usually made it about halfway across the width of the pavement before it just gave up and decided that this was a good place for a nap.

I would have to take a golf cart out, scoop up this large turtle with a snow shovel - it would bite otherwise, and despite having a very large, round shell they can really get their necks turned around quite well to remove your fingers - dump it in the back of the cart and remove it to the pond. Then it would try to attack the golf cart before giving up and going back in the water.
posted by backseatpilot at 6:40 AM on July 13, 2012 [6 favorites]


Chekhov's pool has been violated!
posted by wcfields at 6:40 AM on July 13, 2012


skritch skritch skritch skritch TURN skritch skritch skritch skritch skritch TURN skritch skritch skritch skritch TURN skritch skritch skritch skritch sskritch kritch skritch TURN skritch skritch skritch skritch TURN skritch skritch skritch sskritch kritch TURN skritch skritch skritch skritch
posted by orme at 8:53 AM on July 13, 2012


@backseatpilot: which airport was this? Why didn't you just put it outside the airport perimeter?
posted by ysangkok at 9:00 AM on July 13, 2012


@DarlingBri: Do you know why the turtle threw itself down the stairs on the linked video? My turtle used to do that too I and felt guilty cause I thought it was bored or hungry and that's why it risked doing it.
posted by ysangkok at 9:13 AM on July 13, 2012


dogs' emotions are always in all caps. any dog owner knows this.
posted by ninjew at 9:30 AM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


which airport was this?

I worked here. No perimeter to speak of (if you're thinking of a fence with barbed wire or something like that), so it would have either been run over by a car or caught up in the neighboring farmers' harvesting machines. Birds and deer were more of a problem anyway, but they know how to get out of the way.
posted by backseatpilot at 9:54 AM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


twoleftfeet: I like the way the dog takes a moment to sniff the tortoise's butt (about 17 seconds in). You have to wonder what the dog is thinking. "This is some kind of killer Roomba robot thing and I have to defend us from it. On the other hand, maybe it knows about a good meal somewhere."
Well, you have to admit: a Roomba would know where the sloppiest kids eat.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:05 AM on July 13, 2012


A Thousand Baited Hooks: Dog saved by Tortoise fight gone amok
The "pong far" soundtrack catapults that into Cosmic Awesomeness. Double-plus-good is you!
posted by IAmBroom at 10:08 AM on July 13, 2012


camdan: SURVIVING housepets are cowards.
Also, almost all wild animals, because they haven't had good sense bred out of them selectively.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:15 AM on July 13, 2012


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