Comments on: Fantasyland delenda est

Fantasyland delenda est

prize bull octorok — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 11:51:25 -0800

Optimal siege tactics for taking Cinderella Castle (via)

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 11:54:43 -0800

This is precisely what has been on my mind every single time I have been to Disney World.

By: ReeMonster

ReeMonster — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 11:57:25 -0800

Great fun!

By: Egg Shen

Egg Shen — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 11:58:11 -0800

Since the castle is presumably being held by Disney World employees, I question whether they'd be loyal enough to their commanders to put up stiff resistance.

By: RolandOfEld

RolandOfEld — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:00:45 -0800

I wonder if playing "It's a small world" on loudspeakers to break the siege would be effective... On second thought, probably not.

By: bondcliff

bondcliff — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:01:04 -0800

The infantry would get bogged down in the gift shops and wasted so badly it would make Omaha Beach look like a day at, well, Disney World.

By: roomthreeseventeen

roomthreeseventeen — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:04:51 -0800

Disney World employees, They're called cast members.

By: mikelieman

mikelieman — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:06:13 -0800

They're called cast members. "Show" ain't what it used to be....

By: 2bucksplus

2bucksplus — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:06:32 -0800

Aye but can ye keep it!

By: notyou

notyou — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:09:45 -0800

The Tomorrowland company's objective is to secure the square and and buildings, as well as any advanced technologies it may hold.

By: Foci for Analysis

Foci for Analysis — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:09:45 -0800

Wouldn't it be easier to use your iPad to upload a trojan to the castle?

By: Egg Shen

Egg Shen — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:10:17 -0800

They're called cast members. The Kingdom has many practices foreign to outsiders.

By: figurant

figurant — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:10:49 -0800

The top rated plan on there leaves itself wide open to harassment and flanking assaults from the utility corridors. Setting up overlapping fields of fire on the bridges isn't going to do any good if a small army of bloodthirsty mascots can pour out of a barely visible door hidden behind some bushes and strangle every man jack of you with their misshapen white-gloved hands.

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:10:56 -0800

They did not take into account all the Secret Service protection around the Hall of Presidents.

By: 2bucksplus

2bucksplus — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:12:26 -0800

Or robot Abe Lincoln

By: book 'em dano

book 'em dano — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:13:43 -0800

Consideration must be taken to ensure we are not spotted by the monorail. Meanwhile, in Disneyland, the monorail sees all.

By: LionIndex

LionIndex — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:16:30 -0800

If Cinderella's castle is anything like Sleeping Beauty's at Disneyland in Anaheim a "siege" would be ridiculously easy and bloodless after the initial storming of the kingdom and setting up a perimeter. Hopefully for their sake, the castle's defenders have the sense to torch the surrounding lands before retreating into their stronghold, thus depriving the invaders of chili-in-a-bread-bowl and hot dogs for the sustenance of their sieging armies, but once they're locked up in the castle, there's no provision for food or water (not counting the odd drinking fountain, and even that could be disabled by the invaders at the water main) within the stronghold. The siege itself would only last maybe a week until the defenders surrendered due to lack of supplies, and then the invaders could take the whole castle undamaged, enthrall the defenders as their slaves, and hear the lamentations of their women, etc.

By: BeeDo

BeeDo — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:17:01 -0800

Many a plan has failed from forgetting robot Abe Lincoln.

By: thanotopsis

thanotopsis — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:17:17 -0800

They also didn't take into account the fact that animated characters can just drop pianos on infantry emplacements, and all that would be left would be some fatigue covered arms and legs comically splayed beneath the broken keys.

By: wenestvedt

wenestvedt — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:19:29 -0800

Isn't the whole thing already riddled with underground tunnels? Then who needs sappers?!

By: jacquilynne

jacquilynne — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:20:56 -0800

Isn't this basically the plot of one of Tom Clancy's novels?

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 12:21:48 -0800

Be careful. The moat has been filled with wildfire.

By: The Whelk

The Whelk — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 13:01:58 -0800

Now for extra credit, how could Universal Studio's Wizarding World lay siege to the Castle? Remember to show your work.

By: PlusDistance

PlusDistance — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 13:11:15 -0800

First you build an enormous, hollowed-out wooden overweight American tourist...

By: emjaybee

emjaybee — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 13:12:51 -0800

How about we abolish male-only primogeniture in return for cooperation from all Disney princesses, contingent upon their agreement not to invade any other theme parks? Though seriously, Six Flags could use a takeover.

By: R. Schlock

R. Schlock — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 13:14:31 -0800

Consider also using biological warfare such as flinging diseased animals into the castle. See what that guy did right there? Also, napalm airstrikes.

By: justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow

justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 13:21:31 -0800

Nuke it from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 13:22:18 -0800

Be careful. Large rodents (even those with tiny red shorts) may be carrying the plague.

By: delfin

delfin — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 13:23:38 -0800

Never mind the castle. The real value targets at Disneyland are holed up in Club 33.

By: absalom

absalom — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 13:48:52 -0800

"I chose to ignore the stipulation of a pre-gunpowder based strategy because the fortifications defending the Magic Kingdom and housing its troops was built with modern technology and therefore should be also considered a target for modern warfare." That's kind of a bullshit caveat, honestly. Allowing gunpowder negates the whole need for a siege of the castle.

By: Tell Me No Lies

Tell Me No Lies — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 13:49:33 -0800

It's a good plan, but I'm going to have to take off 10 style points for not getting SEALs into that moat.

By: MCMikeNamara

MCMikeNamara — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 13:53:10 -0800

This is definitely neat. But also one of those things I can't believe the Internet didn't get around to decades ago.

By: radwolf76

radwolf76 — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 13:53:38 -0800

When faced with such overwhelming odds, one could always take a page from Aragorn's strategy in the War of the Ring, and recruit the dead to your cause. Of course, he carried the blade reforged from Narsil to convince the Dead Men of Dunharrow that they remained bound to their ancient oath. To gain the same kind of fealty from the 999 Grim Grinning Ghosts of the Gracey Manor, one would have to pry The Bride's Ring from the grounds outside, and use it to similar effect.

By: CancerMan

CancerMan — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 13:58:42 -0800

I figure the attacking force would launch their assault at night after the park closes, when there are no long lines to queue through, and no traffic stalling their approach to Tomorrowland. Plus Disney would have used up their supply of powder during the fireworks show. And most of the cast members would have gone home, leaving behind a paltry skeleton crew of cleaners and construction artists.

By: cmoj

cmoj — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 14:01:57 -0800

They didn't take into account the fact that they're in ancient Rome.

By: radwolf76

radwolf76 — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 14:04:16 -0800

CancerMan: "I figure the attacking force would launch their assault at night after the park closes" That's no good at all. Nighttime's when the squadrons of feral death cats roam free.

By: Tsuga

Tsuga — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 14:10:37 -0800

I have a source who can supply us with all of the wagons, horses, support troops and clothing we might need. The only catch is that we have to finish the siege by midnight.

By: lazaruslong

lazaruslong — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 14:15:38 -0800

The Tomorrowland company's objective is to secure the square and and buildings, as well as any advanced technologies it may hold. Marines and soldiers are advised to not use the teleporters. They're a trap. They will only kill your unit and replace him with an evil alien. Man, they really thought this through.

By: lazaruslong

lazaruslong — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 14:16:26 -0800

While in Fantasyland we will have the opportunity to take down the menace of all parents everywhere. The "It's a Small World" ride will be within our reach. Our secondary objective is to eliminate the ride with extreme prejudice. This isn't a capture mission like the castle, but one of complete annihilation. Expect heavy casualties as their adorable repetitiveness burns into your skulls like white phosphorous in the jungle. Our sacrifices will be great, but our suffering is in the name of protecting others. Okay sorry now this is the best thing ever.

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 14:18:08 -0800

From the Feral Death Cats link: "Other nighttime visitors are not so welcome. Before maintenance crews take over, security workers sweep through the park to find guests hoping to spend the night. (Don't even try hiding on Tom Sawyer's Island — park security knows all the hiding places.)" Challenge accepted!

By: Chrysostom

Chrysostom — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 14:42:58 -0800

radwolf76: "Of course, he carried the blade reforged from Narsil " At which point, it's Andúril.

By: Grimp0teuthis

Grimp0teuthis — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 14:45:07 -0800

Everyone in this thread should read Fables, because Cinderella is much more than she seems.

By: filthy light thief

filthy light thief — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 14:56:54 -0800

There could be a nice little bloodless coup, by way of legislature. Change the terms of copyright, either 1) extend the limits to infinity, and require anyone who wishes to reuse a copyrighted idea to get approval from the holder of said copyright, with the classification of "orphan works" not allowed; or 2) remove all copyrights, or limit them to a handful of years (lets say, 10). The first would turn the castle into an illegal structure, forcing Cinderella to give up her crown and title, while the second would allow anyone to create competing Cinderellas, diluting the claim on the title to the point that Disney's castle would be full of magical princesses and queens. Actually, as Cinderella is such an old story, copyright doesn't matter at all, so a flood of Cinderellas could already approach the castle, claiming to be the rightful heirs to the grounds.

By: mrbill

mrbill — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 14:58:55 -0800

Everyone in this thread should read Fables YES. It's *so* well done.

By: horsewithnoname

horsewithnoname — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 15:38:42 -0800

at which point, it's Anduril ...which I highly recommend for allergy season.

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 16:17:07 -0800

May cause permanent drowsiness.

By: the man of twists and turns

the man of twists and turns — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 16:43:14 -0800

The Medieval Secret To Besieging Castles That THEY Don't Want You To Know: As it so happens, the Breviary of Renaud de Bar* provides the answer:

By: humanfont

humanfont — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 17:00:04 -0800

Other problems in the too rated plan include: -A failure to deal with possible amphibious attacks from speedboats at Grand Floridian and the Polynesian Resort. There is also a lack of security at the ferry terminal. -The new Brave exhibit behind the Castle includes archers and bears. -Failure to account for large numbers of panicked civilians. Nor is there anything in the plan to limit casualties. In conclusion one does not just walk into Fantasy land with a couple of brigades. It is suicide.

By: radwolf76

radwolf76 — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 17:21:55 -0800

humanfont: "one does not just walk into Fantasy land" There is evil there that does not sleep, and the Great Mouse is ever watchful.

By: twoleftfeet

twoleftfeet — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 17:28:09 -0800

I would think you'd want an army of musketeers.

By: Chrysostom

Chrysostom — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 17:32:50 -0800

humanfont: "In conclusion one does not just walk into Fantasy land with a couple of brigades." Yes you do. You totally do.

By: ovvl

ovvl — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 19:34:18 -0800

Hilarious. Also considering that Schloss Neuschwanstein was the model for the castle or palace built by the Mad King Ludwig II of Bavaria (who was called mad because he would rather build palaces than wage warfare or something). Ludwig installed cute castle-like features in his folly, but not with the proper laser-guided copyright defensive modules carefully hidden in the later Disney systems.

By: ctmf

ctmf — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 20:35:59 -0800

Smart move setting up through Tomorrowland instead of the left-hand side, but what's the plan for holding the castle once taken? Because if the Haunted Mansion, Pirates, and the Country Bears all come out for the regime, it's going to get pretty heavy on that side. Plus, air strikes from the Tiki Room.

By: blue_beetle

blue_beetle — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 22:14:08 -0800

A rolling bombardment of nukes every 15 minutes for 2-3 weeks. Then send in the ground troops.

By: ersatz

ersatz — Thu, 19 Jul 2012 06:09:53 -0800

Fight fire with fire. A swag of magic potion from Parc Astérix and the castle is as good as ours.

By: homunculus

homunculus — Mon, 23 Jul 2012 20:44:09 -0800