You will believe a man can fish

July 21, 2012 7:02 PM

While the world ponders the impact of superheroes on the population in the wake of this weekend's tragic (and still unfolding) events in Colorado, and some ponder what a return to the bad of days of comics might mean, Warner Brothers has released two slightly different trailers for their attempt at latest updating Superman for the modern era: The Man of Steel, in Pa Kent or Jor El flavours. Via i09.
posted by Mezentian (101 comments total)

When did Kansas get a seacoast?
posted by Thorzdad at 7:10 PM on July 21, 2012 [6 favorites]

Maybe Lex Luthor sunk more than California into the ocean and Clark now lives in Otisville.
posted by Roman Graves at 7:13 PM on July 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

From TFA:

Now, it’s not a big thing that I scared a couple of eleven-year-olds into behaving themselves.

Yeah, actually, it is. Now he's the bully, taking his anger out on eleven year old kids, since he couldn't do it when he was eleven.
posted by charlie don't surf at 7:14 PM on July 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

1) Felt like a parody of Nolan's Dark Knight films, but it's way too early to tell. Even given (un film de) Zach Snyder's history.

2) Russell Crowe + accents.
posted by dumbland at 7:15 PM on July 21, 2012

Looking around on the internet I see I'm not the only one to think this, but Zack Snyder's Terrence Malick's "Man of Steel" is going to be the most lyrically beautiful superhero movie ever.
posted by Guy Smiley at 7:15 PM on July 21, 2012 [6 favorites]

Now I want to see Terrence Malick's "Sucker Punch".
posted by Mezentian at 7:20 PM on July 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'd like somebody to give this person a billion dollars to make the Superman movie the world could use right now.
posted by mhoye at 7:21 PM on July 21, 2012 [49 favorites]

I'd like somebody to give this person a billion dollars to make the Superman movie the world could use right now.

Right. Because the problem with superhero movies is *not enough* clumsy commentary on current politics crammed in where it has no place.
posted by drjimmy11 at 7:26 PM on July 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

How many Superman reboots do we need
posted by Avenger at 7:27 PM on July 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

Loving the "Deadliest Catch" B-Roll though.
posted by drjimmy11 at 7:28 PM on July 21, 2012 [3 favorites]

If you're ever chilling out somewhere and the light suddenly turns ashy grey, and orchestral yet minimalistic pan-Celtic wailing slowly begins to fill the air, you better RUN, kid, 'cause some MELANCHOLY SHIT is about to go down.
posted by threeants at 7:36 PM on July 21, 2012 [24 favorites]

I don't know that Superman works with teenage angst. I mean, he's Die UbermenschSuperman. He has like, cosmic, I-can't-save-everybody, you-are-all-lesser-than-me-but-I-have-to-save-your-dumb-asses-anyway angst. He's Mr. Responsibility. Introducing the possibility that he does not actually give a flying fuck about and/or is kind of scared of and dislikes humanity makes him....not Superman, really. It changes the fantasy of who he is --- he's not supposed to be relatable, he's supposed to be impervious, omnipotent.
posted by Diablevert at 7:36 PM on July 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

Also, this may be the hu-man whiskey talking, but Jonathan Kent > Jor-El forever. Suck it, Kryptonians. Oh, I'm sorry, you can't -- your planet blew up and you're all dead.
posted by Guy Smiley at 7:37 PM on July 21, 2012 [8 favorites]

Right. Because the problem with superhero movies is *not enough* clumsy commentary on current politics crammed in where it has no place.

My friend, if there's one place that clumsy commentary on current politic politics has lived a long and fulfilling life, it is in the pages of DC comics.
posted by Joey Michaels at 7:38 PM on July 21, 2012 [3 favorites]

While we're on the topic of pitches, I have a pitch for a new reality tv show about a gang of retired bounty hunters who scour the continent's sketchiest pawn shops to collect lamps made out of unexploded land mines. It will be called Deadliest Kitsch.
posted by oulipian at 7:43 PM on July 21, 2012 [17 favorites]

It will be called Deadliest Kitsch.

I briefly pulled down the flagging menu to see if there was a "Come on, man, wtf" option there, and I'm sad to report there's not.
posted by mhoye at 7:53 PM on July 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

I don't know that Superman works with teenage angst.

Oh, yes, it does.
posted by Atreides at 7:54 PM on July 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

How many Superman reboots do we need

Do you mean Superman Returns? That was meant to be a sequel to the original (Christopher Reeve) series.
posted by cazoo at 7:55 PM on July 21, 2012

Also, is this the place where we post Superman fanfic scenarios?

1 -- Kal-El's rocket lands in the back yard of a house in Eagleton, Indiana. Young Clark Knope is inspired by his older sister to enter a life of politics, follows her example up the electoral ladder, and as Assistant Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, helps to create some moderately useful new policies, which last a few years before being countermanded by the next administration.

2 -- Kal-El's rocket lands near a compound in rural southwestern Indiana. Young Clark Swanson tries very hard, but never quite measures up to his older brother Ronald.
posted by Guy Smiley at 7:56 PM on July 21, 2012 [10 favorites]

I don't know that Superman works with teenage angst.

It took ten long, grueling years to prove definitively that he does not.
posted by straight at 7:57 PM on July 21, 2012 [5 favorites]

The "Bad Old Days" post is great. I see a lot of me as a kid in that.
posted by brundlefly at 8:00 PM on July 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

I wish someone like Greg Hatcher or Mr. Pokarney had stepped up for me when I was a kid.
posted by deborah at 8:02 PM on July 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

Because the problem with superhero movies is *not enough* clumsy commentary on current politics crammed in where it has no place.

It's funny, I remember walking out of the Iron Man movies feeling pretty uncomfortable with the fact that I was supposed to be cheering for the multibillionaire arms dealer.

There's a saying, that the Golden Age of Science Fiction is twelve.
posted by mhoye at 8:03 PM on July 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

Yeah, actually, it is. Now he's the bully, taking his anger out on eleven year old kids, since he couldn't do it when he was eleven.

Huh? A teacher giving bullies a stern chewing out about how bullying will not be tolerated is about as close to the opposite of being a bully that I can think of.
posted by straight at 8:05 PM on July 21, 2012 [8 favorites]

It's funny, I remember walking out of the Iron Man movies feeling pretty uncomfortable with the fact that I was supposed to be cheering for the multibillionaire arms dealer.

You were cheering for Obadiah Stane? Because you're a Jeff Bridges fan? The rest of us were cheering for Tony Stark, the repentant former arms dealer.
posted by straight at 8:08 PM on July 21, 2012 [3 favorites]

3 -- Kal-El's rocket lands in Malibu, right on top of the Charlie Sheen character on that 2 and a half men show. Just completely crushes him. Ka-smash. Also, he was out for a walk with Jon Cryer and that kid, the one that I guess is the 1/2-a-man. Anyway, they all die, and, I dunno (checks Wikipedia for famous Malibu residents) ...Walter Matthau adopts the kid. The script writes itself. Call me, CAA!
posted by Guy Smiley at 8:09 PM on July 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

Here's my long-considered Superman pitch:

The reason nobody on Krypton believed Jor-El was that despite winning the genetic lottery in a lot of super-powered ways, the Kryptonian people suffered from the unfortunate and complete inability to perceive giant green fucking cracks in the ground and, in fact, any other symptoms of the fact their planet was about to explode. The trait was never bred out because the planet had never exploded before, that being kind of a one-time deal, but also proto-Kryptonians capable of perceiving imminent planetary collapse would naturally see the occasional false positive, causing stress and making them less likely to survive and/or breed. The happily oblivious were just more successful. The lengths a Kryptonian's subconscious would go to in order to rationalise the constant earthquakes, disappearance of entire buildings, clouds of green vapour etc etc were truly astonishing.

Jor-El, of course, had a mutation on one of the genes that caused this lack of perception. Because his parents were brother and sister. He wasn't really a scientist, he was just the only person capable of spotting the incredibly fucking obvious. Sadly this ability was not passed on to his son.

So cut to the present, Lex Luthor's Kryptonite drill is shaking apart the Earth's core and the only thing that can stop him is Superman. That is, if the combined efforts of Lois, Jimmy, Perry etc etc can just MAKE HIM NOTICE THAT THERE IS EVEN A PROBLEM.
posted by emmtee at 8:16 PM on July 21, 2012 [19 favorites]

When did trailers for superhero movies start aiming for the 45-year-old auntie demographic?
posted by Ardiril at 8:27 PM on July 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'd like to see a return to the good old days of comics. You know, when everyone understood that comics were for kids, and you grew out of them along with liking shit like soda and candy.

As documented in the classic book, Seduction of the Innocent, which warned that adults were having their maturity stunted when they were lured into reading comics filled with nothing but saccharine, childish, kid-stuff. The Comics Code Authority was created to warn adults away from reading books intended only for children.
posted by straight at 8:28 PM on July 21, 2012

Not sure if trolling....

Oh, who am I kidding.
Epic troll.

(I just gone done reading the 10-Cent Plague and may have found a complete collection of EC Comics).
posted by Mezentian at 8:33 PM on July 21, 2012

the first one plucked at my heartstrings, even though it is a bit sentimental. The second one was trying to be epic and rousing, but it is hard not to be suspicious of grandiose rhetoric in this day and age.
posted by Saxon Kane at 8:40 PM on July 21, 2012

I guess it is easier to drop the irony for emotion than for authority.
posted by Saxon Kane at 8:41 PM on July 21, 2012

4 -- Kal-El's rocket lands near a CIA base in Utah. A group of scientists dissect the occupant. It is broadcast on FOX, but everyone thinks its a hoax. Lex Luthor becomes a major global media magnate and seems poised to control the governments of every Western country until a phone tapping scandal brings him down. He retires with his millions to a remote island and spends the last few cancer-ridden years of his life watching reruns of The Simpsons thinking "This... is my legacy..."
posted by Joey Michaels at 8:46 PM on July 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

The "Bad Old Days" post is great. I see a lot of me as a kid in that.

Greg Hatcher is one of my favorite comic-related writers/bloggers; thoughtful, not worried about looking cool, human, the guy is almost always worth reading, even if the subject matter isn't always my bag. His posts about the students in his comics-making workshops make me wish I was 12.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:47 PM on July 21, 2012

I'd like somebody to give this person a billion dollars to make the Superman movie the world could use right now.

I tear up a little every time I read that. And I hate Superman.
posted by clarknova at 8:56 PM on July 21, 2012

5 -- Kal-El's rocket lands on Krypton. Because Jor-El couldn't calculate a rocket trajectory for shit. Thankfully it turns out the impending planetary collapse was just media scaremongering. Kal-El lives out a happy enough life as a moderately successful broker with the First Crystalline Bank of Krypton. Jor-El is committed to a secure facility for trying to launch a newborn baby into space. Lex Luthor is unanimously voted first President of Earth for his incredible contributions to fighting disease, poverty and inequality.
posted by emmtee at 8:57 PM on July 21, 2012 [10 favorites]

I tear up a little every time I read that. And I hate Superman.

I tear up a little every time I read Superman. And I hate that pitch.
posted by emmtee at 8:58 PM on July 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

"In time, they will join you in the sun" perfectly encapsulates Superman's vision. I really, really hope Snyder is going to avoid every problem I have with his filmmaking with this one.
posted by beaucoupkevin at 9:01 PM on July 21, 2012

"In time, they will join you in the sun" perfectly encapsulates Superman's vision.

Whoa, whoa... he does realize that we can't withstand being immersed in the sun's plasma like he can, right? Man, Superman really is a dick.
posted by sysinfo at 9:13 PM on July 21, 2012 [4 favorites]

Forget everything I said before, this is the reboot I'd like to see.
posted by Joey Michaels at 9:19 PM on July 21, 2012 [3 favorites]

Really all I care about is Henry Cavill in tights, so I predict that I shall be well satisfied.
posted by elizardbits at 9:24 PM on July 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm still bummed they got rid of his red shorts, though. Maybe I'll just cut a tiny pair out of construction paper and carefully position them in the appropriate line of sight as I'm watching.
posted by MegoSteve at 9:28 PM on July 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

HAHAHHAHHH!!! Fuck this superhero crap already. Ya know.. I didn't read any comments here before watching the trailer. I watched, and immediately thought "Wow, Malick rip-off..." And sure enough, the music? HANS ZIMMER.

And then the metafilter comments? Picking up on the Malick stuff.
posted by ReeMonster at 9:30 PM on July 21, 2012

How many Superman reboots do we need

Do you mean Superman Returns? That was meant to be a sequel to the original (Christopher Reeve) series.

And that was the main problem with Superman Returns—they wanted it to be so many things, all of them sort of cancelled each other out and the movie was a muddled mess. It was kind of a sequel, as was hinted in the title, but also kind of a reboot/origin movie. SR was done with obvious reverence for the 1978 Richard Donner movie, but so much so that at times it was remake of the original. Add in some unknown and pretty bland leads, especially Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane, who was pretty terrible, and the okay action scenes aren’t enough. Brian Singer is a talented director, and I think he’s got the chops for a big scale epic like Superman, but that script was obviously written by about fifty or sixty people. A typical movie-by-committee disaster.

Zach Snyder might very do justice to this, but the trailer looks mostly like a Michael Bay-esque TV ad for…cologne?
posted by zardoz at 9:56 PM on July 21, 2012

Gandalf is dead! NOOOOOOooooooooooooo!!!!
posted by moonbiter at 10:03 PM on July 21, 2012

Gandalf is actually a T-1000, so he's not really dead.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:18 PM on July 21, 2012

Terrence Malick's "Man of Steel" is going to be the most lyrically beautiful superhero movie ever.

"This great evil. Where does it come from? How did it steal into the world?"
posted by Flashman at 10:25 PM on July 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

Uhhh... can someone explain how/why Superman leaves contrails? Moisture from his sweaty feet?
posted by argonauta at 10:38 PM on July 21, 2012

I think you mean chemtrails. And it's all a part of hisLoki's plan.
posted by dumbland at 10:52 PM on July 21, 2012 [3 favorites]

No one ever makes movies about the people who have to do all that paperwork post smashing-up-the-city supervillian battles.
posted by The Whelk at 11:04 PM on July 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

Superman should go like this

cause the golden metric for Superman things is, can someone say without irony "Oh Superman! You've saved my life again!"? As usual, High School students Get It.

And Superman has been doing...pretty amazing things in TV

As for Superman Returns, it's mostly awful but that plane sequence is more or less perfect.

Then again I think the Superman movie I've wanted has already been made

I like Superman. Sue me.
posted by The Whelk at 11:21 PM on July 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

Also Lois Lane is the most important character in a Superman story
posted by The Whelk at 11:30 PM on July 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

I always thought this was pretty amusing.
posted by maxwelton at 12:35 AM on July 22, 2012

I'm only 5 years older than Greg Hatcher, and yet, I can't comprehend what he's on about. Being bullied, for liking super heroes? WTF?

When I was the age about which he writes, it was the consuming passion of my peers. Were we somehow a band of geeks, without knowing it? I suppose that's possible. Thinking back, none of that group turned into jocks. But there was no corresponding group giving us shit, either. (the only one I know about in highschool turned band geek). Batman was on, and more, Saturday morning cartoons were filled with new flavors of super heroes. And it was all fun.

I will, however, accept the utter weird nature of my own mind. I completely failed, at that time, to see the "camp" in Adam West's Batman. I see it now, and some of the choicer bits (Jerry Lewis as "citizen"!) are real gems.
posted by Goofyy at 1:39 AM on July 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ah hah! So they are making an Aqualad film! An unexpected choice
posted by fallingbadgers at 2:29 AM on July 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

6 - Kal-El's rocket lands on Themyscira. There is a little resistance to having a man on the island, but really everyone agrees that there is no way they are going to let a Kryptonian be raised on Patriarch's World. Who knows what kind of monster they would turn him into? So they also decide to hide all knowledge of Patriach's World from him. Diana and Kal-El are raised as brother and sister and are very close.

When they grow up Alien Space Bats attack Earth and so the Amazons hold their contest, Diana wins and somewhere in that process Kal-El finds out about Earth. He decides to go with Diana because he's not going to let his big sister go off to war alone, he's pissed at the Amazons for lying to him and he's curious about Patriach's world. All this is set up mostly so I can have Kal-El and Diana being bro's together and so Kal-El can act like a freshman who just finished his Feminism 101. Plus, he's also horrified by the racism, classism, etc. He's like "Genocide, what the hell is that?", "You people discriminate against each other based on skin color?", "You still have slavery?" He stays on Earth with Diana to be an example and show us all a better way.

The social justice stuff should be B and C plot stuff otherwise it would be way to didactic. A plots should still be Supes kicking ass and taking names.

I am really fascinated by the early characterizations of superheroes. Superman was way into social justice. He spent one issue chasing down a war profiteer. And beat up a wife beater. He also used to be a straight up thug, hanging dudes out windows and stuff. He didn't have parents, he was raised in an orphanage. I'd like see someone reboot that Superman.

Marston's issues of Wonder Woman were completely crazy, out there and fun. None of the writers of Wonder Woman since have managed to get that aspect. When she first got the Lasso of Truth (it also makes you obey Wonder Woman's commands, which later writers forgot or ignored) she told the first person she tried it on to stand on her head. WW nowadays has to be serious and have gravitas all the damn time. It's annoying.
posted by nooneyouknow at 3:18 AM on July 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

In the past, Superman was "this big blue boy scout on a throne that nobody could touch him. But we tried to make him so he could beat the shit out of people."

looks like some classic film de Zach Snyder there
posted by brilliantmistake at 3:28 AM on July 22, 2012

Personally, I liked the teasers.....
posted by HuronBob at 3:35 AM on July 22, 2012

A new Superman movie from the guy who completely misunderstood Watchmen and changed the only part of 300 that wasn't a complete pile of fetid ordure?

Observe as I struggle to contain my excitement.
posted by kyrademon at 5:05 AM on July 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

the guy who completely misunderstood Watchmen

Considering his Watchman was a slavish re-telling of the original, I'm not seeing that.

I find Zach Snyder an amazing visual film-maker.

But he's no Michael Bay.
posted by Mezentian at 5:39 AM on July 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

"... a slavish re-telling of the original"

Wow, we did not watch the same movie. There were many changes, large and small, all over the place, many of which undercut key points made in the original story.

One major change, the opening sequence, was brilliant. All of the others were made by someone who could see the form of the story but couldn't grasp the substance.
posted by kyrademon at 5:49 AM on July 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

I find Zach Snyder an amazing visual film-maker.

Definitely. He has a knack for creating beautiful imagery, it's just working with/creating a script that he has trouble with. That he has a background in commercials and music videos isn't surprising. Oddly, I think the best complete movie of his that I have enjoyed was about animated owls.

I am hoping that Nolan's role as producer will help balance Snyder's abilities.
posted by Atreides at 5:50 AM on July 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

The Superman movie I'd like to see, is the one where the Earth overcomes their differences and unites to save the planet from the menace of super-powered aliens from an unknown world, fighting their incomprehensible sectarian battles in the streets of our cities.

This message brought to you by the Alexander and Lana Luthor Foundation.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:54 AM on July 22, 2012 [5 favorites]

Considering his Watchman was a slavish re-telling of the original, I'm not seeing that.


Precisely.
posted by running order squabble fest at 6:00 AM on July 22, 2012

someone who could see the form of the story but couldn't grasp the substance.

I loved 300 (never read the original) and Watchman (read it several times), but I can't completely argue with that, even if I can't type out why.
posted by Mezentian at 6:03 AM on July 22, 2012

I liked Watchmen a lot but I think I was filling in a lot of stuff that was in my brain that belonged there and may not have been in the film. But these trailers + the guy who made Sucker Punch + Nolan (some of whose movies I love but whose themes and interests are, sorry, Dead Wrong for Superman) = very unpromising combination.

I can't necessarily make the same categorical assertion I did in the Batman thread, but Superman: TAS >>>>>>>> these trailers.
posted by immlass at 6:47 AM on July 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Well, in the case of Watchmen the point is that a visually faithful transition of the comic book to film totally the point of the comic book, which is that it is a comic book. It was designed, structurally and narratologically, to use the specific structural elements of the comic book - unheralded visual transitions across the gutters, block color, the presence of the next page in one's peripheral vision - as key elements in its story, and it was a meditation on the comic book as an art form. It doesn't actually make much sense just to port that straight to film.

Simply getting Dr Manhattan to look blue and glow is not the same as reproducing Watchmen on film. Snyder's visual palette in many ways resembles that of a comic book - hyperreal, lacking in non-incidental detail - in part because of his heavy reliance on CG, so you can see why people are tempted to hand comic book properties over to him. Nonetheless, ramping is not the same as a panel transition, however much they may superficially resemble each other.

I think 300 is a curious work to begin with. It's a beautifully-crafted muscle magazine for repressed right wingers, all manly camaraderie and fetishized, hypermasculine hard bodies being undone and penetrated through the treachery of the malformed and the cowardice of the unmanly. Being all about those gleaming, muscular (or effete, multiply pierced) surfaces, it's arguably the film Snyder was born to make.
posted by running order squabble fest at 7:03 AM on July 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

(totally misses the point of the comic book, that is)
posted by running order squabble fest at 7:04 AM on July 22, 2012

I actually completely agree that the Watchmen movie was visually very faithful to the original, and that was in many ways in and of itself a failure to see the point. To work as a Watchmen movie, it needed to be about superhero movies in the same way the comic books were about superhero comic books. Missing that left a kind of emptiness at the core.

But there were also narrative changes, and I'm not simply talking about the lack of space squid, which I really don't care about, or the odd, tin-eared dialogue changes (from "Got my perspective" to "Got my pleasure"), which I rather did care about. But there was also, for example, the continual ridiculous raising of the odds from the comic book fight scenes to the movie ones (the initial Ozymandius/Comedian battle, the fight against the gang in the alley, the completely added-in prison scene fight). Those fundamentally altered the nature of the characters and the level they were operating on, and therefore the issues they were dealing with internally and externally. And they also pushed the movie towards a kind of violence-porn that the comic had very deliberately avoided.
posted by kyrademon at 7:40 AM on July 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

I took apart scene from Watchmen the movie vs watchmen the book to try and figure out why it seemed like such a strange, awkward adaptation.
posted by The Whelk at 8:16 AM on July 22, 2012

There were two deeply brilliant takes on the Superman movie concept which I'd like to see come to the screen. One is this, and one is this.
posted by WCityMike at 8:31 AM on July 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

The Whelk's linked analysis above says a lot of what I was trying to get at only, like, more articulately and stuff.

(I don't suppose anyone happens to have an essay lying around about how the laconic - or actually Laconic, rather - dialogue of the comic book 300 was ditched in the movie for the sake of spittle-flecked rage scenes?)
posted by kyrademon at 8:34 AM on July 22, 2012

"The essential problem with Superman, as a character, is that he's too powerful and incorruptible..."
posted by Algebra at 8:45 AM on July 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

charlie don't surf: "Yeah, actually, it is. Now he's the bully, taking his anger out on eleven year old kids, since he couldn't do it when he was eleven."

straight: "Huh? A teacher giving bullies a stern chewing out about how bullying will not be tolerated is about as close to the opposite of being a bully that I can think of."

The article's author is funnelling the anger from his past, but he's doing so into a form that's useful and protective, helping to break the cycle of bullying in other situations.
posted by WCityMike at 8:46 AM on July 22, 2012

Avenger: "How many Superman reboots do we need"

As many as it takes.
posted by Bonzai at 9:45 AM on July 22, 2012

apologist angle for the Watchmen film is that after Robert Rodriguez's Sin City, and Snyder's own 300 adaptation, comic book films were, for a moment, based on making them as visually similar to the original books as possible, panel for panel. So the Watchmen film did the same.
posted by Apocryphon at 10:06 AM on July 22, 2012

1) It's kind of dickish to hitchhike when you can fly.

2) Why is he wearing a red cape as a child? Kids wear capes because they want to play at being Superman. I assume that the world of Superboy is one in which Superman comics are not available.
posted by mobunited at 10:06 AM on July 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

straight: "Huh? A teacher giving bullies a stern chewing out about how bullying will not be tolerated is about as close to the opposite of being a bully that I can think of."

The article's author is funnelling the anger from his past, but he's doing so into a form that's useful and protective, helping to break the cycle of bullying in other situations.

Right, we all know that fighting fire with fire is always effective. An adult teacher bullying his eleven year old students to stop their bullying, will clearly demonstrate to them that society will not condone bullying.

Oh wait, no it doesn't. It does exactly the opposite, it teaches them that bullying is an effective way to control people. It perpetuates the cycle.
posted by charlie don't surf at 10:13 AM on July 22, 2012

Fly, you fool!
posted by homunculus at 10:23 AM on July 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

A bakery's dozen of the greatest Superman comics of all time
posted by Artw at 11:49 AM on July 22, 2012

I cannot think of a single worse person to put what is great about Superman into movie form than Zack Snyder.
posted by Artw at 11:51 AM on July 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Oh I can think of worse people but mostly I want to live in the world where Snyder is a celebrated an in-demand director of photography myself.
posted by The Whelk at 11:57 AM on July 22, 2012

1) It's kind of dickish to hitchhike when you can fly.

He just wants to know what it's like to be a real boy.
posted by device55 at 12:07 PM on July 22, 2012

Well, there was that stupid JMS story...

Hey! I think I just figured out someone who could top Zack Snyder in my estimation as worst possible Superman director!
posted by Artw at 12:21 PM on July 22, 2012

Weird marketing. It looks like they're going for a vision quest-type coming-of-age opening similar to the one given to Batman in Batman Begins, and leaving aside whether that's a good idea here, I would think that when selling the film you'd really have to ask yourself whether bearded/brooding fisherman dude is what's likely to draw into a movie that's about Superman. I presume the film is not about fishing, so I will reserve judgment until there's a trailer that is about Superman, I guess...?
posted by kittens for breakfast at 1:57 PM on July 22, 2012

1) It's kind of dickish to hitchhike when you can fly.

If Smallville taught me anything it was that Superman could not (usually) fly until the last 20 seconds of his 10-year run. So, that flying shot is probably the movie's closing scene so he can hang about bein' Space Jesus.

2) Why is he wearing a red cape as a child? Kids wear capes becauHe;s bvese they want to play at being Superman. I assume that the world of Superboy is one in which Superman comics are not available.

Clearly comics existed. He's being Captain Marvel or the Scarlet Witch.

[I would also like to express thanks for changing the strap. Yay Mods].
posted by Mezentian at 3:38 PM on July 22, 2012

So, here Superman grows a beard. Oops. How is he ever going to shave it off? Will it stop growing on its own? If he can cut it off, can we collected the hairs and make super rope?

If Superman has a good wank, are his little boys going to go crawling across the planet until they find an appropriate leg to crawl up?
posted by Goofyy at 9:52 PM on July 22, 2012

He uses his fingernails to cut his beard and his teeth to trim his fingernails.
posted by The Whelk at 10:31 PM on July 22, 2012

So, here Superman grows a beard. Oops. How is he ever going to shave it off? Will it stop growing on its own?

They answered this in the Silver Age.
He uses his heat vision and a mirror.

If Superman has a good wank, are his little boys going to go crawling across the planet until they find an appropriate leg to crawl up?

So you're the other person who saw Chillerama?
posted by Mezentian at 1:28 AM on July 23, 2012

If Superman has a good wank, are his little boys going to go crawling across the planet until they find an appropriate leg to crawl up?

When a Supermale has a good wank, his little boys are likely to fly into space. But they might seed life on other planets via panspermia.
posted by homunculus at 2:31 AM on July 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

When a Supermale has a good wank, his little boys are likely to fly into space

Surely we have somewhere here who can prove that with science?
posted by Mezentian at 2:35 AM on July 23, 2012

"The only way Superman could bang regular chicks is if he does it with a kryptonite condom, but that would probaly kill him!" cf Mallrats.

See also: Larry Niven.
posted by Artw at 5:10 AM on July 23, 2012

If anyone is still about, there is a shakey cam proper trailer with action and hitting from SDCC.

Not really worth watching, but y'all might be curious to see Space Jesus do some Superman things.

This one has been up a good 12 hours now.
posted by Mezentian at 3:44 AM on July 24, 2012

Again with another movie's soundtrack. First I was waiting for Superman to fight the Balrog, now I expect to see him to fight at Guadalcanal.
posted by homunculus at 10:23 AM on July 24, 2012

I expect to see him to fight

Superman, help us help ourselves, give us an edit window!
posted by homunculus at 10:27 AM on July 24, 2012

I'd like somebody to give this person a billion dollars to make the Superman movie the world could use right now.

So basically the way to make Superman awesome is to make him Captain America? Needing to borrow someone else's schtick kind of misses the point. See: "grim 'n' gritty Superman reboot."
posted by Amanojaku at 2:25 PM on July 24, 2012

Enough Superman, I'd rather someone finally made a decent Wonder Woman film. It would be easy to fuck it up, but if done right it could be great.
posted by homunculus at 12:38 AM on July 25, 2012

DC already did fuck up the Wonder Woman film.
They had this Josh Weldon guy lined up to script, and possibly direct, but they let him go and he vanished into obscurity.

(Also, the David E Kelly... thing).
posted by Mezentian at 6:50 AM on July 25, 2012

They had this Josh Weldon guy lined up to script, and possibly direct, but they let him go

My initial thought was, "How fired is the guy who made that decision?"

Then I realized HAHAHA his buddies have probably given him several raises since then. HAHAHA! [sob.]
posted by straight at 9:53 AM on July 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

You'd like to think that the lesson from Spiderman, The Avengers, et al would be "make something that is good and true to the spirit of the source material and people will this money at you, bug I guess not...
posted by Artw at 9:57 AM on July 25, 2012

or "People like adventure stories."
posted by The Whelk at 10:00 AM on July 25, 2012 [1 favorite]