...our culture is unable to address rape with the sobriety and clarity the topic deserves because we are still unable to address sex with the sobriety and clarity it deserves.
Given the nature of Reddit as an open, relatively unmoderated community, I don’t expect this to happen.
The simple fact of the matter is that rapists are human, and as long as we fail to understand that it's unlikely that we're going to be able to effectively combat rape.
"Human" only in the sense that they can be the guy next door, or across the street, or from church, or in the next cubicle, or across the conference room table, or in your own family, etc. I don't think we should be generically calling rapists "human" as if rape is typical or expected behavior. I think that's on the slippery slope to blaming victims: "...what did you expect?...guys are only human...you shouldn't have dressed/talked/walked like that if you didn't want to get raped...".
I don't think people who rape are monsters. They are just people, who have behaved reprehensibly and need to stop behaving that way, never behave that way again. I've had male friends who described sexual encounters to me that were clearly not consensual. When I brought that up, I tried not to make them feel defensive. I tried to treat them with consideration. 90 minutes later, and with every ounce of my reservoir of patience gone, it would feel like I'd "gotten somewhere." Until the next time they described such an encounter to me. I guess I preserved their self-esteem, at least.
"Don't feel that way" is a universally useless instruction, sure. So is "don't feel the way that involves resenting men who are more concerned about the idea they might be perceived as rapists than they are about women who have been raped".
I understand you mean well, but you are policing women's expression of their own emotions in the interest of supporting men's emotions in this thread.
It is important that we understand why people rape. But there are other ways to find that insight. Books, essays, research, and more. I’ve spoken with rapists and batterers, and it did give me a better understanding as to how this crime happens. But the circumstances of those conversations were very different. They were controlled, with people who had been convicted and held accountable for their actions. People who, as far as I could tell, appeared to genuinely regret what they had done. In situations where excuses were not tolerated.
Most girls don't really understand how horny guys are, how much stronger guys are, how guys will rationalize what they do. I see feminists and women on the Internet saying that no means no and women should be able to get as drunk as they want and not be sexually assaulted, and I couldn't agree m[or]e. But the reality of the situation is that women have to be careful because guys are one way when they're hanging out and another way when they're horny or worse drunk and horny. That doesn't make what happened okay, but it is what it is.
- Dude, come the fuck on. Don't rationalize what you did with "boys will be boys" bullshit. You know how many times I've been harder than I thought was possible and still been able to stop when a girl said no? As someone who isn't a rapist, I find not raping people exceedingly easy, regardless of how erect my dick is.
- FFS, you can easily resist biological impulses if you simply try. I have, and despite all the times I've been drunk and horny, I've never raped anyone. Do like John Travolta and just beat off when you get home.
- It might sound like I'm joking, but this is a good idea. Think of doing something stupid with your penis? Whack off, get all that energy and temptation out of your system before you do something you regret.
- Fuck you, dude. I've been fucked up with a boner, and I still stop when I hear "no". It is insulting to me and every other non-rapist with testicles to imply that a little booze and an erection is all it takes to turn us into monsters. The rest of us have self control.
- The gender essentialism in your post bothers me a great deal. "How horny guys are. How guys will rationalize what they do. Women have to be careful because guys are one way when they're hanging out, and another when they're drunk and horny."
Maybe it's just in your character to lose control of yourself to your biological impulses? Maybe? Maybe instead of seeking refuge in bullshit gender essentialism, maybe you should just acknowledge that you became a shitty person while you were drunk.
I've been drunk, terribly horny, and hanging out with a chick I wanted to fuck. When she said no, I took the no, excused myself to the bathroom, beat off, and then passed out. This is a thing that has happened numerous occasions.
Maybe you should consider that it's just you, and not "guys everywhere."
Sincerely, A person who does Gender Studies and is sick of this bullshit.
- maybe you're just, you know, a rapist. I'm a guy. I drink. I get horny. Never raped, never will. I've been told no before in similar situations and it's not hard to stop, seriously. There's porn, use it. Stop rationalizing your crimes with bullshit biology and reinforcing that idea that "all men are inherently dangerous".
Having sex that isn't rape is like cooking food that isn't poison. It's the bare goddamn minimum. (...) Few things worry me more than people (okay, men) who say it's difficult to know if someone's consenting or not. This suggests to me not just that they could be violating someone's consent, but that even if they aren't, they're having terrible sex.
Sexual communication does have gray areas and fuzzy middle grounds. It's just that they aren't between rape and not rape--if that isn't a bright glowing line then you have a bright glowing imperative to stop cold until it is. No, the gray area is between okay sex and great sex, between compromise sex and consensus sex, between "alright, sure" sex and "oh my god yeah let's do this" sex. (...)
So it saddens me when sexual communication is treated as being about consent only. Consent is step one. Consent is getting the keys to the car. But it isn't knowing how to drive it.
And it flat-out horrifies me when sexual consent is treated as fuzzy, because if you don't know for sure if your partner even wants to be doing this, you definitely don't know what they actually like.
It’s an unflinching and incredibly insightful document, a reminder that the persistent notion of sexual assault somehow only counting if it happens to a modestly dressed lady who’s attacked by a stranger in utter BS. It happens in vague and complicated situations, every day and night. It happens between buddies. It happens between boyfriends and girlfriends. The lines are not always clear-cut. ... The thread is a powerful testament to the insidiousness of sexual coercion, and of how damaging to both men and women the culture of silence can be. It’s still expected that nice girls won’t make a fuss. Females are still raised to keep quiet and not make a scene, even when they want say no. They’re raised to keep quiet, even after they’ve been abused. And that’s nowhere more harrowingly clear than in the story of the man who claims to be “a post-colleged age male who raped several girls through use of coercion, alcohol, and other tactics over a course of 3 years.”
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