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But....but....you'd be Batman!
July 31, 2012 7:10 PM   Subscribe

Have an extra $682 million lying around, taking up space? Want to wreak havoc unsuspecting crims? You could become Batman!

Of course you'll need to find a place to build your mansion and batcave, hire a trustworthy butler, and have your own R & D facility, but those are just details.

Or you could go the cheap route and build your own Iron Man suit.

But if you're really tight on cash, you could just buy your own giant robot for $1.3 million instead.
posted by nickthetourist (70 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite

 
$1,000 for Kevlar groin armor?

Dude, you should have shopped around.
posted by Egg Shen at 7:20 PM on July 31, 2012 [5 favorites]


1 instagram = 1.5 batmans
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 7:20 PM on July 31, 2012 [3 favorites]


The Kevlar Nomex elbow pads cost a seventh of the price of the Kevlar Nomex groin armor? Which costs the same as the Kevlar Nomex boots?

Did they just make these numbers up, or have I horribly misunderstood my elbow, groin, and foot measurements?
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 7:23 PM on July 31, 2012 [1 favorite]


I already spent the money on that inflatable Stonehenge. :(
posted by mochapickle at 7:24 PM on July 31, 2012 [3 favorites]


The Kevlar Nomex elbow pads cost a seventh of the price of the Kevlar Nomex groin armor?

Totally WORTH THE MONEY when somebody shoots you in the groin.

At least becoming Batman is sort of believable if you squint really hard. To build an Iron Man suit you've got to invent an Arc reactor first, which could take quite some time and a considerable sum of money.
posted by Kevin Street at 7:32 PM on July 31, 2012


According to this, it would cost $1.6 billion to be Iron Man.
posted by MythMaker at 7:33 PM on July 31, 2012 [1 favorite]


They forgot the therapy bills.
posted by arcticseal at 7:34 PM on July 31, 2012 [8 favorites]


Source: research carried out by Moneysupermarket.com
Looks like that means things made up out of whole cloth by Moneysupermarket.com. Does that mean the non-superhero content on Moneysupermarket.com is made of lies as well?
posted by grouse at 7:37 PM on July 31, 2012 [1 favorite]


So, Bill Gates is 90 Batmans rich, but only 38 Iron-Mans.
posted by Slap*Happy at 7:38 PM on July 31, 2012 [5 favorites]


Don't do the crim, if you can't do the tim.
posted by vozworth at 7:39 PM on July 31, 2012 [8 favorites]


Worth...pills...theropy, vmm.
posted by Mblue at 7:39 PM on July 31, 2012


Thanks for the link, MythMaker, it seemed rather obvious that, cost-of-technology-wise, it'd cost much more to be IronMan than Batman.

The Hulk's only expenses would be an unlimited supply of shirts and one VERY stretchy pair of pants.

And I never use moneysupermarket, I prefer moneyfarmersmarket and moneycostco.
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:40 PM on July 31, 2012


The closest thing to a real life Bat Wing is the US Marines V-22 Osprey

So...not close at all, then. Also, pass on the Tumbler. Nightwing's car makes more sense, a beaten-up two-door with bulletproofing and a McLaren engine beneath the hood.

More to the point, even if the $682 million figure is accurate, wouldn't it be spread over a matter of years? Batman didn't begin fighting crime on Day 1 packing a full arsenal of costumers, gear, vehicles, etc. He built it up over a matter of time, leaving plenty of room for various Wayne investments to accrue.

Anyway, HUD and technology and joking aside, it would be surprising to me if nobody has built a working Iron Man costume. With all the comic conventions and what not, I'd think somebody must have constructed a steampunky old-style Iron Man clunker to walk around in. There's gotta be a dynamite YouTube video out there somewhere.
posted by cribcage at 7:40 PM on July 31, 2012


To build an Iron Man suit you've got to invent an Arc reactor first, which could take quite some time and a considerable sum of money.

Tony Stark was able to build it in a CAVE with a BOX of SCRAPS
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:41 PM on July 31, 2012 [27 favorites]


Nah, Bruce Wayne is richer because Tony Stark has to put so much into R&D.

Mind you, Bruce could just buy Gotham and bulldoze all that crazy architecture, put security cameras everywhere and employ a small army to keep it crime free. But he never seems to want that.
posted by Kevin Street at 7:42 PM on July 31, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think they are way underestimating the price tag. If I were the Batman $682 million would be my philanthropy budget alone. Coincidently I would also budget this much to being a playboy, but mostly so I could snub that Tiny Stark dude.

When it came to the actual crime fighting I think I would mostly be relying on special effects and fixing it in post production.

Seriously though, Batjet, Batsub, Batmobile, Batmobile that turns into a jet, Batmobile that turns into a sub, Bat-cycle, Bat-Backpack, Bat-Scuba gear....

$682 million isn't going to cut it.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:43 PM on July 31, 2012


Fuck, Mitt Romney can't even build a house for $682 million without first tearing down a $482 million one.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:44 PM on July 31, 2012 [2 favorites]


Kevin Street: Bruce could just buy Gotham and bulldoze all that crazy architecture, put security cameras everywhere and employ a small army to keep it crime free.

Yeah, but moving to London would be cheaper.
posted by gilrain at 7:50 PM on July 31, 2012 [7 favorites]


They spelled it armour! ArmoUr!

I can't believe that Wayne Enterprises doesn't have more industrial espionage that leaks more of this technology. Yeah, stuff's expensive because you have to have significant infrastructure to work with all of those high-tech materials. I guess it can be written off that he already has financial access to such operations, but he'd have to go through a lot more middlepeople than just Lucius Fox who would have knowledge of the "off the books tech development."

Stark Enterprises? He does most of the r/d himself, so maybe it's a New Rose Hotel effect. Plus it's completely open that he's Iron Man - if you leak industrial secrets from him and he finds out, you're highly likely to be very personally responsible for the transgression.
posted by porpoise at 7:50 PM on July 31, 2012 [1 favorite]


I see your point, FAMOUS MONSTER. But that was one well stocked cave. You could say the Ten Rings organization footed the bill for the initial materials.
posted by Kevin Street at 7:52 PM on July 31, 2012


Seriously though, Batjet, Batsub, Batmobile, Batmobile that turns into a jet, Batmobile that turns into a sub, Bat-cycle, Bat-Backpack, Bat-Scuba gear....

Yeah, give Tony Stark some credit, the Iron Man armor seems downright economical compared to all that, what with the multiple functions. It flies, it dives, it goes to space, it blows shit up!

As an aside, when I saw TDKR and Bruce Wayne's clean energy miracle device mothballed under Gotham, I couldn't help but compare him unfavorably to Tony Stark, whose first appearance in Avengers featured him installing his clean energy miracle device to power Stark Tower. All I could think was, Bruce, get your shit together, Iron Man didn't sit on the device that would revolutionize clean energy >:(
posted by yasaman at 7:52 PM on July 31, 2012 [3 favorites]


Custom graphite cowl: $10000000

Groin armour: $1000

Memory cloth polymer cape: $40000

Holding in your hand the Bat-Radia: priceless.

For everything else, there's ZUR EN ARRH
posted by emmtee at 7:55 PM on July 31, 2012 [6 favorites]


I'm pretty sure he just steals all this stuff from Wayne Enterprises.

I steal my office supplies from my job. Nobody says it therefore costs $120 per year to be Bunny Ultramod.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 8:00 PM on July 31, 2012 [12 favorites]


Why is the graphite cowl so damned expensive anyway? I really would not have pegged that as the priciest part of Batman's costume.

Frankly, I'm surprised no one in the Nolanverse Batman movies ever questions Batman's very expensive toys. The various Batmobiles are not exactly the kind of thing a vigilante hobbyist could make or have access to, so it seems like any halfway diligent investigator could follow the money and venture some plausible guesses as to his identity (or backer).
posted by yasaman at 8:08 PM on July 31, 2012 [3 favorites]


You know, it's for this very reason that I never bought that no one could figure out who Batman was. The latest films take some pains to show how everything is purchased through shell companies, but in some of the older works it would be so blindingly obvious who had the money to purchase (as the old Joker put it) "those wonderful toys."

For that reason, I thought it was refreshing that in the Iron Man movies (I have not read the comics), Stark came clean that he was Iron Man. Of course, that would, in the real world, lead to the U.S. government instantly seizing all of his work and research. You wouldn't just have Chairman Shandling giving you shit on the Senate floor, the frickin Navy Seals would come in one night, subdue Stark, "transfer" him to a lab in Guantanmo, and take all his stuff. So much for Iron Man.
posted by Palquito at 8:09 PM on July 31, 2012


Yasaman, quit scooping my pithy comments.
posted by Palquito at 8:10 PM on July 31, 2012


Well, SHIELD already had dibs on Stark. So the US government probably had to keep their distance.
posted by Kevin Street at 8:12 PM on July 31, 2012 [1 favorite]


Isn't it bad enough, the number of characters to whom these superheroes randomly announce their secret identities in the current movie series, without adding the realism element of government investigators deducing them?
posted by cribcage at 8:17 PM on July 31, 2012


Palquito, I've actually read a fanfic that posited that in a universe where Tony Stark was not born wealthy, and instead enlisted in the armed forces, he was detained and tried in a military court for building Iron Man. IIRC, he got off with just a dishonorable discharge, so not quite as grim as your scenario.
posted by yasaman at 8:20 PM on July 31, 2012


The various Batmobiles are not exactly the kind of thing a vigilante hobbyist could make or have access to, so it seems like any halfway diligent investigator could follow the money and venture some plausible guesses as to his identity (or backer).

This actually happened in The Dark Knight Rises. Shia LeRobin was the only one to follow through and knock on Wayne Manor's door, apparently.
posted by LogicalDash at 8:25 PM on July 31, 2012 [2 favorites]


But wasn't Blake's little soliloquy about figuring out Batman all about recognizing his secret rage and pain at being an orphan and connecting with him, man? I distinctly recall thinking that entire speech could have been saved if only with a tacked on, "Also, Bruce Wayne is the only insanely rich person who could afford all those high tech vehicles and who's had mysterious hiatuses from public life."
posted by yasaman at 8:29 PM on July 31, 2012 [2 favorites]


Batman has sixty zillion hyper-specialized bat-gadgets, many of them strapped onto a belt in little pouches. Conclusion: Batman is a Unix nerd.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:29 PM on July 31, 2012 [6 favorites]


I'm pretty sure every single person in Gotham, except commissioner Gordon, has figured out that Bruce Wayne is the Batman, and just keep quiet about the fact to let the man have his privacy.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 8:38 PM on July 31, 2012 [2 favorites]


The article says $600 million to rebuild Wayne manor after it burned down. Insurance should cover some of that, no?
posted by sf2147 at 8:45 PM on July 31, 2012


The article says $600 million to rebuild Wayne manor after it burned down. Insurance should cover some of that, no?

If I were Bruce Wayne I'd just rebuild it on my own dime, to minimize the risk of an insurance company investigator stumbling onto the enormous cave full of giant coins and Bat-Gadgets and dinosaurs and god knows what else.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:49 PM on July 31, 2012 [1 favorite]


In the "original" Batman comics continuity, Ras al'Ghul deduced Batman's identity by figuring out just what he would need a tracking down the one person on earth who had access to all of it - Bruce Wayne, of course. Really, it's a wonder that no one else deduced the same thing.

Of course, in both the "original" and all subsequent Superman comics continuities, no one is able to deduce Superman is Clark Kent when he takes off his glasses.
posted by Curious Artificer at 8:50 PM on July 31, 2012 [2 favorites]


Wasn't there a thing in Batman Begins where they talk about buying huge shipments of everything in order to disguise the fact that they're outfitting a single guy? Maybe that would explain the price tag on the cowl (e.g. they got 10k manufactured at the bargain price of $100 per unit). But then, that theory doesn't stand up when the groin armor is $1k. Maybe the groin armor is really, really cheap. Maybe it's just a plastic shell stuffed with a couple of socks, and no-one ever found out because no-one is game enough to try nailing Batman in the bijoux de famille.
posted by Ritchie at 8:52 PM on July 31, 2012 [1 favorite]


lead to the U.S. government instantly seizing all of his work and research. You wouldn't just have Chairman Shandling giving you shit on the Senate floor, the frickin Navy Seals would come in one night, subdue Stark, "transfer" him to a lab in Guantanmo, and take all his stuff.

Well, I guess Stark was drunk a lot making such operations easier, but if he's doing it in a secure location that would give him loads of time to suit up and sober up. Nothing shy of thermonuclear explosion on American soil would be an assured defense against Iron Man.

Is it worth a one-time tech bump, which your best scientists don't understand, versus having a "superhero" and long tail war- and peace- dividends?
posted by porpoise at 9:07 PM on July 31, 2012


porpoise: Is it worth a one-time tech bump, which your best scientists don't understand, versus having a "superhero" and long tail war- and peace- dividends?

The government would almost have to do it. Iron Man would represent an incredible danger to the country; you don't have any way of knowing he'll always be on your side, and he can do incredible damage at any time. He could take out most of both houses of congress and the president in a single day and escape, if he had anywhere to set up to hide or a country to harbor him.
posted by Mitrovarr at 9:16 PM on July 31, 2012


I'm pretty sure every single person in Gotham, except commissioner Gordon, has figured out that Bruce Wayne is the Batman, and just keep quiet about the fact to let the man have his privacy.
posted by BungaDunga at 9:18 PM on July 31, 2012 [2 favorites]


In the "original" Batman comics continuity, Ras al'Ghul deduced Batman's identity by figuring out just what he would need a tracking down the one person on earth who had access to all of it - Bruce Wayne, of course. Really, it's a wonder that no one else deduced the same thing.
In the current Batman comics Bruce Wayne has publicly announced that he's Batman's financial backer. (There's a corporation, foreign franchise Batmen and everything.) Supposedly that makes it harder to figure out the truth like Ras did.
Of course, in both the "original" and all subsequent Superman comics continuities, no one is able to deduce Superman is Clark Kent when he takes off his glasses.
Yes, well... super hypnosis.

*twitch*
posted by Kevin Street at 9:22 PM on July 31, 2012 [1 favorite]


This actually happened in The Dark Knight Rises. Shia LeRobin was the only one to follow through and knock on Wayne Manor's door, apparently.

Did you really just suggest that Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Shia LeBeouf are interchangeable? Pistols at dawn, sir!
posted by sevenyearlurk at 9:30 PM on July 31, 2012 [6 favorites]


Are you defending the honour of the decent actor, or the other one?
posted by not_that_epiphanius at 9:43 PM on July 31, 2012


Actually, this expense is just a tip of the iceberg. In one comic, Batman gets blown off a yacht, and his costume shredded. He reaches into his utility belt, and pulls out a capsule that expands into a complete new Batsuit, complete with utility belt. On which presumably is a capsule containing a costume with a utility belt...

Just how much would infinite regression batsuits cost anyway?
posted by happyroach at 10:20 PM on July 31, 2012 [2 favorites]


I would totally read a comic about Tiny Stark. But does he have a tiny robot suit, or is he a little person in a full-sized robot suit, to better hide his secret identity?
posted by RobotHero at 10:39 PM on July 31, 2012


I don't know how to say this politely, but the topline link is some made-up bullshit that'd be better suited to your facebook.
posted by klangklangston at 11:03 PM on July 31, 2012


Mitrovarr - The government would almost have to do it.

For sures! there'd be a political hellstorm to eminent domain Stark Enterprise. Whether law enforcement/military could enact it with conventional means is another matter. If the politicians won't resort to nuclear weapons on home soil, it's a standoff situation.
posted by porpoise at 11:06 PM on July 31, 2012


I can't even afford to be Congress Man.

:(
posted by mazola at 11:18 PM on July 31, 2012


RobotHero: "I would totally read a comic about Tiny Stark. But does he have a tiny robot suit, or is he a little person in a full-sized robot suit, to better hide his secret identity"

There's a book series and a TV series based on it that features several tiny Starks quite prominently.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 11:23 PM on July 31, 2012 [2 favorites]


Batman's cowl plus retinal projection system: $10M
Ironman's helmet plus HUD: $54M

Who knew Batman had superior pricing power with his suppliers?
posted by zippy at 11:26 PM on July 31, 2012


Bat utility belt sounds a lot better than Bat fanny pack.
posted by littlesq at 3:14 AM on August 1, 2012



According to this, it would cost $1.6 billion to be Iron Man.

To be fair half of that is just bourbon.
posted by The Whelk at 4:07 AM on August 1, 2012 [4 favorites]


Stark came clean that he was Iron Man. Of course, that would, in the real world, lead to the U.S. government instantly seizing all of his work and research ... the frickin Navy Seals would come in one night, subdue Stark, "transfer" him to a lab in Guantanamo

Nah, see Tony Stark is rich. We don't do stuff like that to rich, powerful people.

I'm pretty sure that if Bill Gates announced tomorrow that he was intending to build a giant laser death ray on the moon, there would be editorials on Fox by the next day pointing out how many jobs this new death ray initiative will create, noting that Big Government could never build a death ray so quickly or so efficiently as private enterprise, etc. Some people would call for outlawing death rays, but a campaign would quickly be launched to counter this: "Moon-based death rays don't kill people, people kill people."

I guess what I'm saying is, this particular aspect of Iron Man is not (imho) the most unbelievable thing about Iron Man.
posted by chalkbored at 4:24 AM on August 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


Cost to be Superman: $0
posted by blue_beetle at 5:18 AM on August 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Just the loss of your home world. Bargain!
posted by arcticseal at 5:27 AM on August 1, 2012


Bullshit. Batman has unlimited wealth. He has to. That's his superpower.
posted by Legomancer at 5:32 AM on August 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


I'm pretty sure that if Bill Gates announced tomorrow that he was intending to build a giant laser death ray on the moon, there would be editorials on Fox by the next day pointing out how many jobs this new death ray initiative will create, noting that Big Government could never build a death ray so quickly or so efficiently as private enterprise, etc.

True, Chalkbored, but you actually have to sell (at 5000% markup!) your creations to the government. Stark refuses to, and that's when good ol' Uncle Sam would start to get antsy.
posted by Palquito at 6:02 AM on August 1, 2012


yeah that was more or less the thrust of Iron Man 2, which they get around by trapping him in his house with threat of Supernanny.
posted by The Whelk at 6:50 AM on August 1, 2012


find a place to build your mansion and batcave

When my husband was in high school, he lived out at the end of one of the NJT lines. The Macy family (Macy's department stores) had built their big house out there, and at the time, it was owned by the King of Morocco as his place to run away to in case of Arab Springs. In my headcanon, this is where Stately Wayne Manor is, and underneath it--the area is pretty hilly--is the Batcave.

I have no idea what the current price on the place is, but based on what the house my husband was living in at the time cost when we looked it up after driving through the town about 5-6 years ago while we were living in NJ, that's going to be another arm and leg out of the Batman budget. (Of course, Batman inherited his manor, so no direct cost to him, just the opportunity cost of not selling it.)
posted by immlass at 7:37 AM on August 1, 2012


In the current Batman comics Bruce Wayne has publicly announced that he's Batman's financial backer. (There's a corporation, foreign franchise Batmen and everything.) Supposedly that makes it harder to figure out the truth like Ras did.

Really? Fuck you, D.C.

I would totally read a comic about Tiny Stark.

I would totally see a movie about this, but only if it starred Rob Schneider:

"Look at that War Machine, man. That thing is huuuuuuge."

"You said it, Tiny Stark!" Happy Hogan laughs obsequiously.
posted by entropicamericana at 11:59 AM on August 1, 2012


Tiny Stark No!
posted by The Whelk at 12:01 PM on August 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


Really?

Yep. Batman Incorporated. It's actually a really good series.
posted by Kevin Street at 12:14 PM on August 1, 2012


I had a dream one time that there was no such thing as Batman. What happened was that Commissioner Gordon had once had to witness the murder of his family and he had all sorts of untreated mental health problems because of it.

Sometimes, while out on assignment, Commissioner Gordon would see a criminal and get so incensed that he would fly into a rage and savagely beat the person to within an inch of his life. But Gordon was so psychotic at these times that he would believe that he was actually standing several yards away watching a guy dressed as a giant bat do the beating. By the time backup arrived, Gordon would be like "Did you see that? It was that bat-man guy again!" and the crook was in no condition to contradict his story.

In this alternate reality, Bruce Wayne also witnessed the murder of his parents at a young age, and this caused him to vow to fight crime. And so he donated lots of money to crime prevention initiatives and politics and held fundraisers for the police and so forth.
posted by Galaxor Nebulon at 12:43 PM on August 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


What happened was that Commissioner Gordon had once had to witness the murder of his family and he had all sorts of untreated mental health problems because of it.

This sounds like a pretty awesome idea for an Elseworlds comic.
posted by grouse at 1:23 PM on August 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Waitaminute, he got the forearm blades from the League of Shadows. I assume they were standard issue.
posted by homunculus at 2:05 PM on August 1, 2012


Batpod prototype
posted by homunculus at 2:34 PM on August 1, 2012


All I could think was, Bruce, get your shit together, Iron Man didn't sit on the device that would revolutionize clean energy >:(

No, but he did use it to power the deadliest weapon on the planet and then wear it while drunk at a party full of people
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 3:15 PM on August 1, 2012


In the movies, Batman's toys look like finished products. (I'd expect one-of-a-kind products to look a bit jerryrigged, like the Sea Shadow.) The logical explanation is that they're all produced in bulk, which would of course provide replacements when he or Robin bangs them up, but would greatly multiply the cost.
posted by zompist at 9:59 PM on August 1, 2012


The infographic is missing the EMP rifle and the smaller one he used on the paparazzi. Those can't be cheap. If there was one gadget from the movie I could have, it would be the pocket-sized EMP.
posted by homunculus at 1:34 AM on August 2, 2012


Y'know, come to think of it, I have known schizophrenic people who believe that someone is trying to poison them with poison gas, and who believe that they are seeing secret messages left specifically for them, that only they can interpret.

I bet my Crazy Jim Gordon totally made up the Scarecrow and the Riddler as well.
posted by Galaxor Nebulon at 7:21 AM on August 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


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