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August 2, 2012 9:30 AM   Subscribe

Seinfelt - Seinfeld plot synopses from episodes that never were. (prev)
posted by flatluigi (39 comments total) 25 users marked this as a favorite

 
I find these oddly comforting.
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 9:33 AM on August 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


Either this is a double or I have become unstuck in time.
posted by elizardbits at 9:35 AM on August 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


The Seinfeld writers really were great, weren't they?

(Or is that not supposed to be the takeaway from this?)
posted by yoink at 9:36 AM on August 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


Oh, these are hilarious. I'd start quoting the funniest ones, but I am only a few synopses in!
posted by Xoebe at 9:36 AM on August 2, 2012


George gets Chinese take-out and is insulted when he receives four fortune cookies with his order, thinking that the restaurant was implying he ordered enough food for four people.

Ah, yes, every time my girlfriend and I unpack the sushi container order, we can always tell how much we over-ordered based on how many extra chopsticks we end up getting.
posted by griphus at 9:39 AM on August 2, 2012 [10 favorites]


This warms my heart in the way that Star Trek Season 8 does (previously).
posted by Beardman at 9:40 AM on August 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


Jerry posting something to MetaFilter only to find out that Elaine had already posted it to MetaFilter and having the two of them getting into an aggressive one-upmanship thing to post things to MetaFilter first would actually fit in fairly well here.
posted by Shepherd at 9:41 AM on August 2, 2012 [5 favorites]


This has captured how totally pointless and unfunny that show always seemed to me.
Yet, I keep reading.
Hmmmm.
posted by Seamus at 9:45 AM on August 2, 2012 [3 favorites]


Oh my god some of these are amazing:
George keeps wrestling with a ketchup packet that refuses to open, long after he’s finished the meal. “It’s the principle!” he exclaims, whenever Jerry tries to reason with him. Elaine and Puddy get into a fist fight at the top of Rockefeller Center that ends with both of them hanging desperately from the edge of the roof, screaming at each other. Jerry gets bored in the middle of a set and demands that the audience tell him jokes instead. Kramer is convinced none of the rocks in Central Park are solid.
posted by danny the boy at 9:45 AM on August 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


George gets Chinese take-out and is insulted when he receives four fortune cookies with his order, thinking that the restaurant was implying he ordered enough food for four people.

Mrs. Shen and I tend to get a lot of food when we order takeout. (What can I tell you? We like to eat.)

So once I was picking up enough Vietnamese food for four people when the young woman behind the counter asked me how many pairs of chopsticks I wanted. When I told her, she said skeptically, "Just two?" The manager standing next to her loudly and urgently cleared his throat.

With difficulty, I managed to wait until I got outside to burst out laughing.
posted by Egg Shen at 9:47 AM on August 2, 2012 [6 favorites]


Now seems the perfect time to follow up on my "Create a New Episode of Seinfeld" Madlibs idea and get it to market.
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 10:10 AM on August 2, 2012 [4 favorites]


These are just a little too detailed, somehow. Maybe they should team up with this guy.
posted by clockzero at 10:16 AM on August 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


He knows no other way in which it could even be possible to tie a shoe.

THERE IS MORE THAN ONE WAY. I was shocked to learn this too.
posted by scratch at 10:19 AM on August 2, 2012


George gets diarrhea in the back of a taxi. - that is all.
posted by vespabelle at 10:20 AM on August 2, 2012


These are pretty amazing, and most of them are spot-on enough that the occasional one that's a little too over-the-top (a bunch of people get killed in the comedy club, Elaine's coworker flips out and kills people, etc.) actually takes me out of it.

I was also astonished at how far back these go... the archive has over a year's worth of posts in it, and some months (Dec 2011, Nov 2011) have 50+ posts. Damn.
posted by Kosh at 10:29 AM on August 2, 2012


To finish the loop, here's a comic about the Seinfeld gang playing D&D.
posted by 2bucksplus at 10:32 AM on August 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


George gets diarrhea in the back of a taxi. - that is all.

Ideally this would be like the Family Ties episode "My Name is Alex."
posted by condour75 at 10:58 AM on August 2, 2012 [3 favorites]


Jerry dreams of a filthy man with long, black hair that obscures his face, and thick, overgrown fingernails. He tries to turn it into material, but can’t figure out how. After George complains to his girlfriend that she missed his birthday, she kidnaps him and force-feeds him cake until his stomach ruptures. A coworker ruins Elaine’s dress minutes before an important shareholder presentation, and she scrambles to fashion a new one out of the only material she can find — large black garbage bags. Mickey challenges Kramer to go an entire day communicating only through the lyrics to We Didn’t Start the Fire. When Jerry sees the man from his nightmares curled up next to a dumpster behind the comedy club, dressed in black garbage bags, humming We Didn’t Start the Fire between ravenous mouthfuls of cake, he abruptly cancels his show. Less than an hour later, a gas leak in the club’s kitchen detonates, destroying the building and killing the few people inside.

Wasn't this a subplot of Mulholland Drive?
posted by FatherDagon at 11:05 AM on August 2, 2012 [4 favorites]


George 2. Someone put a lot of thought into that one.
posted by tilde at 11:12 AM on August 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


After seeing a production of Waiting for Godot, Elaine demands her money back, claiming "it was a show about nothing."

How was this not in a real episode?
posted by giraffe at 11:17 AM on August 2, 2012 [3 favorites]


'Now the other is undone.'

I felt the way you do in nightmares when you want to scrub the whole thing out, to wake up. I forced a grimace of rebellion, biting a lip as though to hold back a curse, then started yanking frantically at my laces again, crouched down in the middle of the street. I stood up, cheeks flushed beneath my eyes, and walked off head down, wanting nothing better than to escape the gaze of the crowd.

posted by iamck at 11:24 AM on August 2, 2012


I thought Seinfeld was annoying, but I find these to be mostly amusing, sometimes fabulously so. I guess I also have to give credit where credit is due and acknowledge that they wouldn't be amusing if the show itself didn't make them so believable.
posted by snofoam at 11:28 AM on August 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


Kramer wears a shirt with such a dizzying Moiré pattern that people who see him become temporarily paralyzed, earning him the nickname “Medusa.
posted by Flashman at 11:35 AM on August 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


Newman teaches Kramer how to ride a bike.

Would watch forever.
posted by jason_steakums at 11:38 AM on August 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


Something about these feels unspeakably sinister to me. Like they are perversions with malice in their hearts. As if an SCP existed just of cast-off Seinfelt plot devices.

Basically, I love these.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:01 PM on August 2, 2012 [4 favorites]


A sample "Create a New Episode of Seinfeld" Madlib:

Kramer finds a ____(adjective) ____(noun) once owned by ____(historical figure) and decides to ____(verb) it. George is convinced that his ____(occupation) is trying to ____(verb) him, so he starts carrying a ____(noun) everywhere he goes. Elaine mistakenly buys a ____(noun) when she meant to buy a ____(noun), but still uses it and hopes nobody notices. Jerry dates a woman who looks remarkably similar to ____(member of Radiohead).
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 12:46 PM on August 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


Most of these are actually better than I expected - like they could have at least been on a writer's notepad of possible story pitches. If you want a good overview of the process of writing for Seinfeld and pitching ideas to Jerry and Larry David I'd recommend My Seinfeld Year by Fred Stoller. It's an entertaining behind the scenes piece and a quick read (it's one of those Kindle Singles - like a long article).
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 12:59 PM on August 2, 2012


Something about these feels unspeakably sinister to me. Like they are perversions with malice in their hearts. As if an SCP existed just of cast-off Seinfelt plot devices.

Weird, I had the same thought. It definitely splits between keenly-observed spot-on parody and an unnerving surrealism. In fact reading in reverse chronological order, it seems like they just get more and more surreal the further back you go, and like its only come closer to seeming like actual Seinfeld in the more recent entries.
posted by anazgnos at 2:36 PM on August 2, 2012


After an injury renders Jerry temporarily quadriplegic, the others argue over how to assign “Jerry Duty”.

Oy. If you just read that about a series you didn't know, you might call that a jumpt shark.
posted by Trochanter at 2:49 PM on August 2, 2012


Kramer finds a penisy boob once owned by Hitler and decides to fuck it. George is convinced that his Batman is trying to fuck screw him, so he starts carrying a vagina everywhere he goes. Elaine mistakenly buys a ass when she meant to buy a nutsack, but still uses it and hopes nobody notices. Jerry dates a woman who looks remarkably similar to Phil Selway.
posted by griphus at 2:52 PM on August 2, 2012 [3 favorites]


SO GLAD I'm not the only one who gets extra fortune cookies, though, let me tell ya.
posted by Occula at 3:07 PM on August 2, 2012


Jesus, this is my favorite link So far this year. Thanks.
posted by The ____ of Justice at 3:24 PM on August 2, 2012


I dunno, I guess I watch too much Seinfeld still, and some individual plot points are pretty spot on (George wrestling with a ketchup packet), but some are totally things that never would have happened (Elaine and Puddy holding on to the ledge), and some just don't have the right tone (Kramer saying "unlike SOME people" is too thin). The modernized Seinfeld plots were closer, maybe, but I can tell when you're not Larry David, internet!
posted by cmoj at 4:23 PM on August 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


This reminds me of TNG Season 8.

I agree with Larry David that his version of George is way funnier. The tumblr does a good job at getting at the angry, blustery, grrarrr-ing portrayal that he had on the show that I have always found repellant. Whereas any of these George plots could have been plots for Curb Your Enthusiasm and I would get them. Larry David's character on that show is funny because he's charming in a crotchety way that makes you side with him despite it all. George Costsanza is just a spinning, yelling ball of chaos.
posted by bleep at 5:37 PM on August 2, 2012


So good.
posted by peeedro at 8:04 PM on August 2, 2012


I love the little "We need to give Elaine and/or Kramer something to do" afterthought plots, since the original went to that well pretty often:

"Elaine files her nails into sharp claws."
"Elaine aggressively ovulates."
"Kramer finally stops urinating."
"Elaine gets drunk off vanilla extract."
"Kramer buys a new brand of handsoap and becomes convinced that it’s scented like blood."
"Kramer studies to become a horse masseuse."

I got like 14 pages in, and decided to see how far it went before reading more... 39 pages. I know what I'm doing at work tomorrow!
posted by jason_steakums at 11:51 PM on August 2, 2012


This reminds me of Friends Season 11.
posted by slogger at 8:58 AM on August 3, 2012


pb is crushed by his desk when mathowie moves it for "just a little more room." He is visited in the hospital by restless_nomad who convinces him, thanks to a painkiller induced haze, to add achievements and an auction house to MetaFilter. taz is annoyed when a YouTube rapper adopts her moniker. cortex creates a blog putting lines from popular TV show Seinfeld in speech bubbles attached to players cut out from baseball cards. He calls it SeinField . jessamyn crushes seven Vermont police vehicles with a modified Bookmobile to protest state cuts in library funding. vacapinta goes to a dinner party where he drinks the best merlot he's ever tried, but has no idea who brought it or how to find it again. Guest appearance by cstross.
posted by ODiV at 9:30 AM on August 3, 2012 [5 favorites]


Some of these are indeed cool - I'd watch 'em.

My long-forgotten idea: have George attempt to do a "citizen's arrest," only to learn that it's not as simple as telling a perp that "I'm putting you under citizen's arrest!"

Mayhem ensues.
posted by davidmsc at 2:30 PM on August 3, 2012


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