Comments on: Save the D'ast Lance for Me

Save the D'ast Lance for Me

256 — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 16:13:41 -0800

"It's a long, long time from now, and machines have developed into sentient beings. Starting with the high-tech space stuff, a whole new set of different mechanistic species have come into existence. The machines are not only sentient; they are alive in other ways as well. They even produce offspring and evolve.

At first, it was just the super high-tech orbiting stuff that achieved self-awareness, but soon more terrestrial devices gained intelligence. Unfortunately the machines loathed each other, and war broke out between orbiting and earthly devices. Humankind had already moved out into space, but at the discovery that our original home world was in a crisis situation, we returned.

By the time we reached Earth again, all the original machines had been destroyed. The descendants of those original devices were still battling, trying to obliterate each other, an ancient blood feud where one planetary region wasn't big enough for the two mechanical clans.

The future humans had to make a decision that would end the war. But it was clear that humankind had been in space too long as there was no sympathy for the terrestrial machines. And that's when we found ourselves backing the satellite kin."

Tarzan's Tripes Forever is the oldest online archive of shaggy dog stories and their brethren. Founded in 1995, it is still being updated regularly today. Shaggy dog stories, and the robust subspecies known as Feghoots, are a type of joke of unknown origin, but which definitely came into maturity in America. Renowned artists from Annie Dillard to Isaac Asimov have been fascinated by them. And the phenomenon known as "The Aristocrats" (NSFW) is a clear variant on the same formula.

In defence of Shaggy Dog Stories by Tarzan's Tripes Forever maintainer Alan B. Combs.

By: .kobayashi.

.kobayashi. — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 16:22:00 -0800

Eh, he's not *that* shaggy.

By: Chekhovian

Chekhovian — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 16:22:28 -0800

Pssh. Zelazny did this way better roughly 50 years ago. See For a Breath I Tarry.

By: Sebmojo

Sebmojo — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 16:28:49 -0800

"...and that's when the fit hit the Shan"

By: prize bull octorok

prize bull octorok — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 16:29:21 -0800

I'm getting a little frustrated that none of these links are telling me how the machine war turned out.

By: Sebmojo

Sebmojo — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 16:30:11 -0800

Pssh. Zelazny did this way better roughly 50 years ago. See For a Breath I Tarry. posted by Chekhovian at 1:22 PM on August 6 [+] [!] (whoosh, i suspect)

By: Rustic Etruscan

Rustic Etruscan — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 16:32:25 -0800

The pun in "backing the satellite kin" must be so obvious that I'm missing it. What's the gag?

By: thedaniel

thedaniel — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 16:33:18 -0800

"back in the saddle again" i guess?

By: Rustic Etruscan

Rustic Etruscan — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 16:42:58 -0800

Oh. Thanks, thedaniel. I was switching the first letters around and getting mostly "sacking the bat, a light kin."

By: tommyD

tommyD — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 16:53:50 -0800

There's an old one about inebriated baseball: The beer that made Mel Famey walk us. (I am deeply sorry.)

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 16:58:12 -0800

I'm getting a little frustrated that none of these links are telling me how the machine war turned out. The original satellites were superior reolutionaries, but unfortunately their descendants lost the high ground.

By: Mojojojo

Mojojojo — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 16:58:31 -0800

The real joke is on me as I spent time looking for the link that would take me to the rest of the story.

By: ChurchHatesTucker

ChurchHatesTucker — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 17:00:21 -0800

Back in the eighties, one of the D&D miniatures companies (Grenadier?) had a catalog/publication that had one of these feghoots in the back of every issue.

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 17:00:56 -0800

reolutionaries? Mods, hope me!

By: djrock3k

djrock3k — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 17:41:06 -0800

Too much Dick Syndrome: I sat there wondering why someone was re-writing Second Variety. And it took me a while to get the pun. Also Its Raining Florence Henderson: Turns out the Satellites Descendants weren't very reactionary and that led to their fall from grace.

By: Obscure Reference

Obscure Reference — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 17:45:59 -0800

Better Nate than Lever.

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 17:47:31 -0800

Turns out the Satellites Descendants weren't very reactionary and that led to their fall from grace. One thing I never could get used to with those damned orbiters: first they decay, and then they die!

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 17:48:14 -0800

. /orbit thread

By: raygirvan

raygirvan — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 17:51:42 -0800

> "backing the satellite kin" It'd be funnier if it bore some phonetic resemblance to the phrase alluded-to. I assume it works better in a US accent.

By: 256

256 — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 17:57:19 -0800

You know, raygirvan, I chose this one specifically because the pun is so lame and forced. I think that, once you get to understand this class of joke, the closer the punchline come come (on either side) to the line of not being a punchline at all, the better.

By: 7segment

7segment — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 17:57:53 -0800

Not noticeably.

By: maxwelton

maxwelton — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 17:59:34 -0800

I had a collection called (I think) "Isaac Asimov's 100 Best Science Fiction Short Short Stories" which was essentially a collection of these. Well, at least half were.

By: erniepan

erniepan — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 17:59:49 -0800

I assume it works better in a US accent. No, not really.

By: Philofacts

Philofacts — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 18:10:32 -0800

"Backing the satellite kin, out where an engine's your friend" (Apologies to Firesign Theater as well as to Gene Autry)

By: xenophile

xenophile — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 18:10:43 -0800

But when the war ended, human nature compelled the future humans to scavenge all the spare parts they could from the ravaged machines on both sides. "Those humans," said one surviving giant robot to another, shaking its great, creaking head. "There they go -- sacking the battle again!"

By: -harlequin-

-harlequin- — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 18:27:55 -0800

I'm pretty sure that for one of his books, Terry Pratchett invented a fantastic and thought-provoking method for building a computer in a fantasy setting - one that involved tiny mechanical gates integrated with an ant colony, with the ants moving through the sections acted as bits and operations - and Pratchett wrote part of the story about this machine, purely so he could insert that one-line throwaway joke about the operator wanting his computer to have more bugs in it. :-)

By: hippybear

hippybear — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 18:29:51 -0800

"The sum of the squaw and the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws and the other two hides." "Well, only Hugh can prevent florist friars." *sung* "Well, that's a long way to tip a Rairie..." Sorry, I used to "collect" shaggy dog stories. At this point I hardly even bother with the joke and just tell the punchlines.

By: seanmpuckett

seanmpuckett — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 18:34:01 -0800

The brick.

By: hippybear

hippybear — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 18:38:07 -0800

seanmpuckett: I would favorite that a hundred times if I could. Thank you.

By: seanmpuckett

seanmpuckett — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 18:54:21 -0800

My dad loved them and young though I was, I picked up quite a few while being otherwise bored out of my mind as a bright child dragged to cocktail parties. I still have Asimov's joke book and jokester practicum and though the laughs are long faded I still recall the joy of my first read through.

By: McCoy Pauley

McCoy Pauley — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 19:19:34 -0800

Pssh. Zelazny did this way better roughly 50 years ago. See For a Breath I Tarry. Actually, Zelazny did this way better 45 years ago. See Lord of Light, and the unfortunate incident with the Shan of Irabek's new, epileptic body.

By: Lipstick Thespian

Lipstick Thespian — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 19:20:43 -0800

NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. NO. NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO. I HAVE SPOKEN.

By: Justinian

Justinian — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 19:24:50 -0800

The bullshit pun in Lord of Light is an unfortunate flaw in an otherwise brilliant work. I have no idea what Zelazny was thinking.

By: Sebmojo

Sebmojo — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 19:28:19 -0800

Actually, Zelazny did this way better 45 years ago. See Lord of Light, and the unfortunate incident with the Shan of Irabek's new, epileptic body. posted by McCoy Pauley at 4:19 PM on August 6 [+] [!] AHEM "...and that's when the fit hit the Shan" posted by Sebmojo at 1:28 PM on August 6 [+] [!]

By: mph

mph — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 19:36:24 -0800

... he left no tern unstoned. ... pardon me, Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes? ... because people who live in glass houses shouldn't stow thrones. I had one a day for MONTHS, to the consternation of all my coworkers.

By: gamera

gamera — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 19:40:00 -0800

How was the content of our winter's disk made spurious summary by this scum of cork?

By: Popular Ethics

Popular Ethics — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 19:41:31 -0800

The poor little Dutch boy, after jumping from the top mast of the boat on which he stowed away to reach America: "It's OK, I'm used to hardships". (I used to make this story last forty five minutes, with a half dozen vignettes that would make you laugh, cry, and fall in love with the poor little guy. The look on people's face when they realized the saga ended in a pun was always priceless)

By: Sparx

Sparx — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 19:54:32 -0800

These peole were clearly unaware that the bun is the lowest form of wheat.

By: Graygorey

Graygorey — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 20:39:04 -0800

A fellow notices some change to dental health, sees dentist, is asked about dietary changes, admits to new food addiction. Dentist recommends chrome-plating patient's teeth. There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise. Add embellishment and serve over ice.

By: Skygazer

Skygazer — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 20:52:36 -0800

Tear a bull.

By: ChurchHatesTucker

ChurchHatesTucker — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 20:56:45 -0800

[Quoting Samuel Johnson] He who would pun would pick a pocket, sir. —Stephen Maturin

By: Dreadnought

Dreadnought — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 20:58:37 -0800

Shaggy dog stories were a fixture of my upbringing, being beloved of my Dad's side of the family. This particular genre didn't end with a pun, but with some spectacular inversion of logic (much like the 'oh, not that shaggy' joke which gives the form its name). A particular favourite of mine: A visiting village team arrives for a cricket match only to find themselves a player short. In the next field, however, there is a horse who surprises everyone by speaking up in fluent and educated English, offering to fill in for the missing man. After they get over their astonishment (and here is where the joke is filled in according to the skill of the teller) they are doubly astonished to find that the horse is quite the best batsman they've ever seen. A spectacular innings later, they approach their equine team-mate and ask if he'll lead off with the bowling. 'Hahaha!' cries the incredulous animal, 'have you ever seen a horse bowl?!' I have many more of these stashed away in my brain in the abbreviated form that Popular Ethics and Graygorey describe. I often think that the hours I spent listening to them evolve in the retelling taught me the fundamentals of storytelling.

By: PueExMachina

PueExMachina — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 21:28:55 -0800

If you live where you can listen to rebroadcasts of My Word, Denis Norden and Frank Muir spend the last third of the show spinning the most outrageous feghoots they can come up with for a quotation they'd been given a few minutes earlier. There's not much about My Word online, but I did find these mp3s. The entire show is enjoyable and guaranteed to make you giggle and groan.

By: bongo_x

bongo_x — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 22:02:17 -0800

You've just blown my mind. I had no idea My Word wasn't a current show.

By: MartinWisse

MartinWisse — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 22:37:12 -0800

"Even Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid" All the Asimov short stories like "Shah Guido G" (geddit?) and how Atlantis disappeared under the waves for a second time, or the one that ends with "A Hitch in Time saves Stein" is what got me my sense of humour. No wonder I get hit more than laughed with when telling jokes.

By: Hactar

Hactar — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 00:43:03 -0800

The one Feghoot that I will never forget concerns the fate of the three unfortunate kittens: oon, du and twa. The lived by the side of a lake that was surrounded by reeds. Despite their mother's constant warnings, they always wanted to get out to the island in the middle of the lake. So one day, while their mother was away hunting up dinner, they constructed a raft from the reeds. They sealed the ends of the reeds with mud and set off on a grand adventure. Of course, the mud washed away as they left the shore of the lake and the kittens and the raft all found themselves at the bottom of the lake soon after. Their mother came home, wept over her lost kittens and put up a sign by the lake as a memorial and warning. To this day, the sign says oon, du, twa cat sank. (Still not getting the horse bowl one though.)

By: xenophile

xenophile — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 02:20:12 -0800

Did you hear about the professor who translated all that poetry from Sumerian cuneiform into hip-hop lyrics? They called him the Pimp of the Ur-Verse. 256, you have unleashed a terrible monster.

By: doiheartwentyone

doiheartwentyone — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 04:16:59 -0800

Hactar, the story itself confounds our expectation that horses cannot bat. The horse's position of disbelief in horses' ability to bowl at the end of the story mirrors the attitude we held at the beginning, that was confounded. It is a good joke. Back on topic, I'm an ex-tractor fan.

By: Philofacts

Philofacts — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 04:21:20 -0800

Hectar, my 3rd-grade French teacher told a much shorter version of that feghoot. (Childhood attention spans...)

By: arzakh

arzakh — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 06:01:44 -0800

I was brought up on My Word (amongst other BBC comedy shows) - I still remember "on his walkies, Mallie pants" (it's a latin phrase used on ceremonial robery). Couple of links to My Word I found, not sure if they worth looking at: BBC page and Listen to My Word. My favourite one which hasn't been mentioned is the Story of the Glopmaker - it has to be spinned as long as possible, because the punchline deserves death by a thousand sharp balloons.

By: Cookiebastard

Cookiebastard — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 07:34:59 -0800

Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear. He was arrested for making an obscene cone fall.

By: Enron Hubbard

Enron Hubbard — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 07:41:24 -0800

My father-in-law and I used to trade these back and forth to see who could elicit the largest groan. This was one I learned from him. A young mother was forced to give up her identical twin sons by circumstance. Years later, she hired a detective to find out what happened to the boys. He discovered one had been adopted by an Iranian family and had been named Ahmal, while the other, named Juan, had Mexican adoptive parents. Since Juan lived closer, she went to see him first. After the first meeting went well, the detective was puzzled when the mother showed no interest in meeting the other twin. When asked the reason, she replied "When you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

By: lupus_yonderboy

lupus_yonderboy — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 07:43:30 -0800

> I had a collection called (I think) "Isaac Asimov's 100 Best Science Fiction Short Short Stories" which was essentially a collection of these. Well, at least half were. Hmph, that's selling that book short. There are some amazingly chilling stories, like this one.

By: mubba

mubba — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 08:04:29 -0800

For De Mille, young fur-henchmen can't be rowing!

By: Sebmojo

Sebmojo — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 17:00:08 -0800

So this rabbit, right, walks into a pub. Lunchtime, quiet, barman's cleaning a glass. Rabbit walks in - hops in I suppose- hops onto a bar stool. Raps its paw on the bar. "Ham and cheese sandwich, ta," t says, "and toast it wills ya?" The Barman serves him up his toastie - bit surprised, thinking rabbits were all about the greenery, but you take your days as they come when you're behind the bar. Never know who's going to walk in off the street. By the time he's finished that thought the rabbit's gobbled up his snack, hopped off the stool and out the door he goes. Next day - same thing! Rabbit hops in, maybe ten past midday, onto the stool, rap rap rap. And maybe he noted the barman's expression because this time he orders a toasted sandwich with lettuce and tomato. Now your lettuce doesn't go too well toasted, but the barman thinks a bit, toasts the bread and then jams the salad in between the bits and it all looks tasty as I don't know what with a bit of salt and pepper and clearly the rabbit agrees because down the hatch it goes! And then, sure enough, he's out the door hippity hop. Next day - well what do you think? Lunchtime, barstool, rap rap rap - "Lamb cheese and chutney, barkeep!" goes the little bunny. Barman's an old hand by now, has the sandwich maker all heated up and it's the work of a moment to pop out a delicious lunchtime snack fitting that description to a 't'. And the rabbit scoffs it down then off he hops. But the next day... no rabbit. The bartender had got used to his little furry customer, so he's a bit put out, but the game is on so there's a bunch of folk in the pub and he's to busy to give much thought to it... until that night, when he's cleaning up the place ready for another day, and he hear's a faint noise. 'rap rap rap', it goes. He turns, but sees nothing in the darkened pub. But there's the noise again - 'rap rap rap'. He squints and - good gravy. Sitting in that exact same barstool, what does he see but the trembling transparent form of his lunchtime customer! He is a professional, our man, and so he approaches this ghost rabbit to take its order but before he asks another question pops out, almost unbidden - "what... what happened to you, mr rabbit?" And the ghost rabbit looks at him, with ravaged ghostly eyes, and in an eerie whisper murmurs: "Mixin' me toasties".

By: eustatic

eustatic — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 21:20:35 -0800

why do people...do this?

By: hippybear

hippybear — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 21:50:43 -0800

why do people...do this? In the case of shaggy dog stories, it's because if you manage to hold a crowd's attention for a half hour with a brilliant bit of storytelling and then end it all with a dramatic flourish that is actually a horrible pun, you end up with this odd conquering hero feeling. Plus, people NEVER forget it. EVER. In the case of "the brick"... it's because you told the first half of the joke quite a while earlier, and the joke just ends with no punchline, and everyone thinks you're an idiot. Then a half-dozen other people tell their jokes of various lengths and uneven results, and then you start your next joke and everyone just KNOWS that it's going to be a complete flop because your first one just completely sucked, but they're kind to the village idiot so they let you talk, and then you deliver the final line and the combination of stunned silence, utter admiration, and ultimately hysterical laughter is one of the most sublime things you can ever experience. Plus, the audience will NEVER forget it. EVER.

By: Sebmojo

Sebmojo — Wed, 08 Aug 2012 02:53:01 -0800

I was brought up on My Word (amongst other BBC comedy shows) - I still remember "on his walkies, Mallie pants" (it's a latin phrase used on ceremonial robery). Honi Soit Qui Mal Y Pense - "Evil be to he who think evil".

By: russm

russm — Wed, 08 Aug 2012 08:09:08 -0800

what?!?! the koala tea of mercy is not strained!

By: Sebmojo

Sebmojo — Wed, 08 Aug 2012 20:24:41 -0800

Carrying a coil over dead lions for immoral porpoises.

By: hippybear

hippybear — Thu, 09 Aug 2012 16:28:18 -0800

Carrying a coil over dead lions for immoral porpoises. Transporting two gulls over state lions for immortal porpoises.

By: idiopath

idiopath — Sat, 11 Aug 2012 07:44:32 -0800

I think this goes here.

By: WCityMike

WCityMike — Sat, 01 Sep 2012 07:03:40 -0800

maxwelton: "I had a collection called (I think) "Isaac Asimov's 100 Best Science Fiction Short Short Stories" which was essentially a collection of these. Well, at least half were." You too, huh? :) Still have it on my shelf somewhere, I think.