Dwight Howard to the Lakers

August 10, 2012 7:48 AM

After months of rumors and frustration, it appears that Dwight Howard has been traded to the Los Angeles Lakers in a four-team trade. Here is Bill Simmons rapid reaction.
posted by Cloud King (47 comments total)

I think the best solution to this problem would have been the Planet Hulk contingency: drug the guy then throw him in a spaceship headed towards a distant planet. As an NBA fan of neither the Magic nor the Lakers, I am so bone tired of hearing about this clown.
posted by selfnoise at 7:56 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

WINNER: Steve Nash Went from playing with 11 bench guys on a lottery team to playing with Dwight Howard, Pau Gasol and Kobe Bryant on a title favorite. Remember SNL's "Orgasm Guy" sketches with Rob Schneider? I think that was Steve Nash this morning when he woke up and found out about this trade.

So true.

What Orlando got back: Arron Afflalo, Nik Vucevic, Al Harrington, Mo Harkless, three protected first-rounders, cap space next summer, three soggy fried shrimp, six half-cooked egg rolls and four sweet-and-sour chicken skewers to be named later.

That's about right. I guess Dwight is just going to wait a year and then try to go to Miami and fully follow in Shaq's footsteps. The Lakers team is bananas now.
posted by cashman at 7:57 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Remember the Bridesmaids scene when they were trying on wedding dresses and everyone came down with violent diarrhea? Howard was all five bridesmaids and Orlando's fans were the wedding dresses.

I... ok!
posted by phaedon at 7:58 AM on August 10, 2012

On behalf of all us Lakers fans, I'd like to post LakersFan.gif.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 8:03 AM on August 10, 2012 [8 favorites]

Oh my God. Iguodala for Bynum may be the best sidebar trade ever in a multi-team deal.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 8:06 AM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

God, this Canadian Celtics fan is going to have a coronary if we end up with a Heat-Lakers final. I mean, on the one hand, Lebron is a giant tool and they're the big bad enemy, and there's Steve Nash to cheer for...but he plays on a team with Howard and Kobe...and they're the big bad enemy redux?

Kudos to the Magic for getting five first rounders (two drafted recently, three future) for a guy who basically blew up his trade value by refusing to work with any team but the Nets.
posted by Rodrigo Lamaitre at 8:10 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

22 of the last 30 NBA championships have been won by four teams (Lakers, Celtics, Bulls and Spurs). The NBA is pretty much the English Premier League of North American sports, where only a few teams at the top have a real shot at winning and everyone else has to content themselves with the hope that maybe, if they get really lucky and everything falls into place, they'll make the semifinals and lose to the eventual winner. Which is fine if you're cool with that, but it must be pretty dispiriting to be, say, a Sacramento fan.
posted by "But who are the Chefs?" at 8:10 AM on August 10, 2012 [6 favorites]

WINNER: Steve Nash, again "Hmmmmm … what should we do on this play? Should I run the high screen with Pau again? I could always just take a rest and dump it over to Kobe for a play. Or, I could beat my guy, try to draw Dwight's guy over and throw him an alley-oop that he'll catch as long as it's within five feet of the rim. God, this is fun. Eff it, I think I'll just shoot a 3 — if it doesn't go in, Dwight will just get the rebound, anyway … "

I think Bill Simmons' imaginary Nash is correct, this is going to be a fun team to watch. On the other hand, poor poor Orlando fans. The Magic, in just their 23 years of existence, twice had the best center in the NBA (Shaq and Howard) and instead of building any kind of lasting dynasty, or even just a lasting title competitor, they lose both of them to the Lakers.
posted by Groundhog Week at 8:10 AM on August 10, 2012 [5 favorites]

Get the planet on the phone. Ain't no time to waste. Tell them he ain't coming home! Gonna save the human race.

They call him Howard... the Dunk!
posted by markkraft at 8:11 AM on August 10, 2012

This is great in a "I don't know what any of this arcana actually means ("protected picks in the mid-20s?" "Hedo Turkoglu?") but I used to know it upside down back when I was the target demographic" kind of way.

So. Did you hear that Gary Bettman said absolutely there would be a lockout this season if the owners and players can't agree on a new CBA by September 15th?

I expect to be back up to speed on the NBA by Halloween.
posted by notyou at 8:14 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

I obsessively listen to Bill Simmons' B.S. Report podcast and he's been saying for at least the last 6 months that people just need to get used to the idea that Dwight Howard will become a Laker. You have to hand it to him on that prediction. However, I am not used to this idea one bit. F*$@#ing Lakers.
posted by mcstayinskool at 8:17 AM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

Ghostride The Whip: "On behalf of all us Lakers fans, I'd like to post LakersFan.gif."

That's the guy you want carrying the flag for Laker Nation, huh? Explains a lot.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:20 AM on August 10, 2012

Well, they kept Metta and gained Nash. With those two they might avoid being the most unlikable team in the league.

Perhaps. Maybe.

Nah.
posted by One Hand Slowclapping at 8:22 AM on August 10, 2012

That's the guy you want carrying the flag for Laker Nation, huh? Explains a lot.

No, that's the guy we want the fans of other teams to think we want to carry the flag for Laker Nation.

I see it worked.
posted by Celsius1414 at 8:22 AM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

I just don't understand the NBA salary cap. How does any team afford this much talent?
posted by KaizenSoze at 8:45 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

The NBA doesn't have a hard cap. When a team's payroll goes over a certain amount, they pay escalating fines. The Lakers (and Knicks) have so much money, that basically no amount of penalties will keep them from building the team they want. Some teams, the Heat and Celtics, for example, are a bit more frugal but are still willing to spend when they need to. Everyone else gets to share all of the fines paid by the rich teams.
posted by oddman at 8:51 AM on August 10, 2012

Thanks. Basically, it's like the Yankees, they can afford the fines, so the salaries is basically useless.
posted by KaizenSoze at 8:54 AM on August 10, 2012

Ack. Distracted typing. Just like baseball the salary cap is basically useless.
posted by KaizenSoze at 9:01 AM on August 10, 2012

The NBA should forbid teams from trading draft picks.

It should also change a thousand other things I don't like, but that's the one I pick today.
posted by mullacc at 9:03 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

The NBA is pretty much the English Premier League of North American sports

For years, I've been trying to put my finger on exactly what makes the NBA different from the other major North American sports. It was just so bizarre how it always seems like there is no parity.

This comment is the most salient thing I have ever read on this topic. Thank you for solving this mystery for me.

In any event, what we did see last season was a young OKC team that can contend with the big boys. When it came down to it, they crushed San Antonio. They can beat this Lakers team. If anything, the news this morning should do nothing else but spark Durant/Westbrook/Harden to go to the gym today, and every day for something like 8 hours to get ready for the upcoming season.

Let's also remember that Kobe, Nash, and World Peace have a lot of NBA miles on their frames. Each of them is one awkward fall, one awkward pivot, one awkward misstep on an opponent's foot from being out for the season. We shouldn't crown them champions yet.

Also, Dwyane Wade is and always will be my favorite player. I was at Marquette when he played there, and he is the reason why I started liking basketball. He is the best 2-guard in the world, and I say this without exaggeration. This trade will get Wade to rehab like never before, and we'll see the genius of his 2006 season again, as the Heat win the NBA finals after going something like 16-2 in the postseason.

Sure, hate me because I like the Heat. I love LeBron too, jerks.
posted by King Bee at 9:13 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

KaisenSoze, it's not useless. It's very good at keeping most teams from being truly competitive for very long (I didn't say the use was benign). It also pays the poor/bad teams for being willing to be in the league with the rich teams. Thus, ensuring that even the Bobcats can be profitable.
posted by oddman at 9:13 AM on August 10, 2012

All I can contribute to this discussion is that I saw Metta WP in my local Whole Paycheque. Dude likes coconut water; greeted the granola section like an old friend.
posted by docgonzo at 9:16 AM on August 10, 2012

The NBA is pretty much the English Premier League of North American sports


Great analogy, the NFL was like this before they added the hard cap.
posted by KaizenSoze at 9:17 AM on August 10, 2012

King Bee, the problem is that OKC probably can't afford to keep their team together for much longer. They are going to have a hard time keeping Ibaka, Harden and Sefolosha (not to mention Collison) alongside Westbrook and Durant.

If they can figure out how San Antonio manages to keep finding good, cheap players to pair with Ginobili, Parker and Duncan, then they'll have some staying power. But if emulating San Antonio was easy Orlando and Cleveland might still have Dwight and Lebron.

Also, Wade is awesome (and so is Bosh!).
posted by oddman at 9:19 AM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

King Bee, the problem is that OKC probably can't afford to keep their team together for much longer.

That is a great fear of mine as well. My hope is that if they can win a championship soon, the players will want to stay together for reasons of winning. If they get "close, but no cigar" again for the next couple of years, it is all but guaranteed that team will get blown up as the stars move to greener pastures for a chance at a championship.
posted by King Bee at 9:22 AM on August 10, 2012

The NBA is pretty much the English Premier League of North American sports

This is a great analogy, especially the way the NBA has embraced diving/acting. (And I say that as a giant soccer/EPL fan.)
posted by inigo2 at 9:23 AM on August 10, 2012

I honestly think the NBA would be better off to declare all players free agents at the end of the season and choose up sides, playground-style, a couple of months before the start of the new one begins.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:24 AM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

Let's also remember that Kobe, Nash, and World Peace have a lot of NBA miles on their frames. Each of them is one awkward fall, one awkward pivot, one awkward misstep on an opponent's foot from being out for the season.

Same thing can be said for your Heat team, or any team for that matter -- sure, the NBA miles make a difference, but basketball is a dangerous sport in its way with a lot of large, tall men throwing themselves around the court.

Speaking of throwing themselves around the court, isn't Dwayne Wade known for endangering himself doing that very thing?
posted by Celsius1414 at 9:25 AM on August 10, 2012

Speaking of throwing themselves around the court, isn't Dwayne Wade known for endangering himself doing that very thing?


I immediately thought of Allen Iverson, he couldn't layout or dunk w/o getting knocked to the ground. One tough dude.
posted by KaizenSoze at 9:28 AM on August 10, 2012

Same thing can be said for your Heat team, or any team for that matter -- sure, the NBA miles make a difference

Yeah, but Kobe has something like 20,000 more minutes logged on an NBA court than Wade, and 15,000 more minutes than James. That's a huge difference.

And yes, Wade throws himself around the court, but that's because he's awesome, and will come back from this most recent knee surgery better than ever and he'll never get injured again. errr...
posted by King Bee at 9:31 AM on August 10, 2012

Ugh NBA, you couldn't give us one really hilariously angsty gold medal game-- or even just a half-- while the initially PAU IS GONE rumor was still flying around?
posted by acidic at 9:35 AM on August 10, 2012

"That is a great fear of mine as well. My hope is that if they can win a championship soon, the players will want to stay together for reasons of winning."

I see it differently. If they win a championship the "lesser" starts will be able to say "I got my ring, now I want my money." and jump ship to teams willing to overpay them. You see this all of them in the NFL, actually.
posted by oddman at 9:41 AM on August 10, 2012

I think the tendency towards a lack of parody in the NBA is built within the structure of the game itself. There are only 10 players on the court at any one time, meaning that the team with the best player has a greater shot of swaying the result of a game in their favor. This isn't the case in American Football, where there are 22 players on the field at a time, and even then, the best player on that team is only on the field for half the plays. For football (soccer), the same holds true in terms of total amount of people on the pitch reduces the impact of a singular talent. Baseball is more of a one-on-one game. Your best player will either take 1/9th of your teams at-bats or if your best player is a starting pitcher, he will only play once every 4, 5 or 6 games. Hockey is similar to Basketball in terms of number of people on the court/ice, but constant line changes guarantee that the "best player" plays a smaller percentage of the total game time than the NBA "best player" will play. The exception to this is if your best player on a hockey team is a goalie. Think about the number of times that consensus "best teams" in the NHL playoffs lose to a team with the "hot goalie" (Think about how greater Quick was in the playoffs than during the season as they sliced through the NHL Playoffs and Stanley Cup).
posted by Groundhog Week at 9:47 AM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

If they win a championship the "lesser" starts will be able to say "I got my ring, now I want my money."

OK, but I'm seeing it like better players will be all "DUDE, OKC is sweet, I should go play for them I am guaranteed to get a championship" kind of thing. So, maybe Durant is there forever even if Westbrook leaves, but they keep adding pieces around him.

I just want someone besides the Lakers and Celtics to win championships. So much so, that when I played the franchise mode of NBA Live '06, I picked the Seattle Supersonics, loaded them up with Yao Ming, Dwyane Wade, and the (at the time) insanely good Mike Bibby and had a sweet 5-year run of championships.

There was sort of a chance of this thing happening when the Clippers got Chris Paul, but I doubt that the duo of Paul and Griffin are going to draw enough people to come play for them.

I think the tendency towards a lack of parody in the NBA

*snicker*
posted by King Bee at 9:53 AM on August 10, 2012

... how greater Quick was for the LA Kings in the playoffs...
posted by Groundhog Week at 9:53 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

I honestly think the NBA would be better off to declare all players free agents at the end of the season and choose up sides, playground-style, a couple of months before the start of the new one begins.

I totally agree. I've mentioned my idea for restructuring the league a couple times.
posted by mullacc at 9:57 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

I think the tendency towards a lack of parody in the NBA is built within the structure of the game itself.

Hey, Javale McGee is working really hard to change that!
posted by acidic at 9:57 AM on August 10, 2012 [5 favorites]

Oh dear lord. I hate homophones.
posted by Groundhog Week at 10:03 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

This is great in a "I don't know what any of this arcana actually means ("protected picks in the mid-20s?" "Hedo Turkoglu?") but I used to know it upside down back when I was the target demographic" kind of way.

For you and anyone else who might be wondering, here's what "protected pick" means. A team can trade a protected pick, but the team on the receiving end only actually gets the pick if some criteria are met. A "top-10 protected pick" means that if that particular draft pick ends up being in the top-10, then the receiving doesn't actually get that pick that year. They have to wait until next year and see if the criteria are met.

The team that traded the pick holds on to it until the criteria are not met, or time runs out. If it's a 2013 top-10 protected pick, the trading team has to give it up in 2014, regardless of where the pick lands. If it's a top-10 pick in 2013, they get to keep it, and the team on the receiving end just waits.
posted by King Bee at 10:09 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Oh dear lord. I hate homophones.

Know homo? ;D
posted by Celsius1414 at 10:27 AM on August 10, 2012

Making my way through the Simmons article (his writing is just always so goddamn dense), and I finally get to this hilarious gem:

WINNER: Metta World Peace He's about to break the record for "Most Wide-Open Corner 3s Ever Attempted in One Season." Is it too late for him to change his name to Metta Wide-Open 3? Wouldn't that make more sense, anyway?

posted by King Bee at 10:32 AM on August 10, 2012

From Simmons' article:

Why did Orlando settle for that Afflalo/Harkless/protected picks package when Houston was willing to recklessly overpay for Howard with young assets AND take on every bad Orlando contract? And while we're here, why didn't Orlando just grab last month's Brooklyn offer of Brook Lopez, MarShon Brooks, one year of Kris Humphries and four unprotected first-rounders for Howard and the same contracts they shed in this four-teamer? Those are two great questions.

I'm afraid the only explanation is that the people who controlled Howard's contract yesterday were under some delusion that if they didn't kowtow to Dwight Howard's wishes all future NBA superstars would blackball them as employers. (i. e. Howard's agent scammed them.)

I have wrecked my brain enough over this and it's the only thing that makes sense. The other things I got from Simmons' piece:

he spells pu pu what I spell poo poo;

it was my first exposure to the McKayla Maroney scowling meme as I don't follow gymnastics.

For some reason nobody was much interested in the Americans winning the gold and silver in the decathlon yesterday. That might be even a bigger mystery than why Orlando accepted this deal.
posted by bukvich at 11:33 AM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

As a basketball fan, this trade certainly leaves a bad taste in my mouth but this Lakers team is going to be very fun to watch next year. I'd really like Nash to get a ring, and it would be great for Kobe to match Jordan's ring total. I wish Dwight had more of a pick and roll game, but I'm sure he'll be on the receiving end of plenty of lobs and will shore up their interior defense.
posted by antonymous at 1:33 PM on August 10, 2012

" I wish Dwight had more of a pick and roll game"

He's going to be playing with Steve Nash. I'd have a pick-and-roll game, if I played with Nash.
posted by oddman at 1:56 PM on August 10, 2012 [5 favorites]

he spells pu pu what I spell poo poo

Really?
posted by Nabubrush at 2:22 PM on August 10, 2012

I wish Dwight had more of a pick and roll game

Dwight is one of the best pick and roll players in the league...
posted by Cloud King at 2:32 PM on August 10, 2012

Goddammit. Seriously. Not only do I get to see Derrick Rose's knee explode, but then things like this keep happening. Pretty much every playoff team from last year has gotten better. The Bulls? The Bulls are secretly the most profitable team in the league. They are currently over the tax, for the first time in team history, but I'm sure they'll find a way out of it. Instead of trying to compete until Rose comes back (stronger than ever! weeps bitter tears ), they've gutted the best bench in the league. Korver? The best three point shooter in the league? Gone, essentially for a second round pick and a trade exception they'll never use. Ronnie Brewer? Top ranked defender, master of using the baseline to get open? Team option not picked up. C. J. Watson? Decent backup point guard, played through all kinds of injuries this season, kept the team competitive, signed for the low cap hit of three million next season? Gone, replaced by the corpse of Kirk Hinrich on a two year deal for, what, wait, more money than Watson?! And of course, the Turkish Hammer, Omer Asik signed away by Houston, after saying all year they'd keep the team together. And don't forget John Lucas III, who won several games that should rightly have been lost, who never received an offer, and will be playing for the Raptors. After saying this year that the offseason would be about basketball decisions, not financial decisions.

The Bulls were a two guard away from really competing for a championship. Instead of Korver, Asik, Watson, JLIII, and Brewer, we've got Hinrich, Bellineli (ugh), and the corpse of Nazr Mohammed, and hopefully the thirtieth pick from last year can pick up the slack for Brewer.

Meanwhile, the Heat got Ray Allen and Rashard Lewis, who just need to stand at the three point line all game. One could argue the Celtics are getting better (Jeff Green comes back, Jason Terry of the bench, no question about the younger guy starting at two), the Lakers and this summer of abomination. Hell, the Bulls just took a giant step back behind freaking Philadelphia, who finally managed to do something with one of their dozen 6'8" guys (I'd always secretly hope the bulls would be able to get Iggie).

On Blog-a-Bull, a lot of commenters are saying, fuck it, the team is taking the year off from competing, why don't we take the year off from the team. I can't really fault that logic.

tl/dr: bitter Bulls fan is bitter. Fuck L.A.
posted by Ghidorah at 4:34 PM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]