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Zeppelin Vs Pterodactyl
August 10, 2012 3:21 PM   Subscribe

100 Wonderful and Terrible Movies that never Existed
posted by Artw (66 comments total) 18 users marked this as a favorite

 
If Neuromancer/Count Zero/Mona Lisa Overdrive could be made into a long arc HBO-style series with the reverence that Game of Thrones has been done, I believe I could die in peace.
posted by mcstayinskool at 3:26 PM on August 10, 2012 [14 favorites]


Tales From Development Hell, mentioned as one of their sources, is an excellent and infirmative read on this sort of thing, though worth avoiding if you want to have any shred of respect left for Hollywood studio decision makers.
posted by Artw at 3:33 PM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]


8. The Stars My Destination by Alfred Bester
According to Hughes' Greatest Sci-Fi Movies Never Made, Richard Gere owned the rights to this novel right after his success with Pretty Woman, and wanted to star in it.


JASON ALEXANDER, I KILL YOU FILTHY
posted by Greg Nog at 3:35 PM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]


I was reading enjoying reading down the list, happily imagining some of the pairings of director and film, and then I came to this...

46. Mel Gibson's Fahrenheit 451

I was so frightened by this vision, I had to close the page.
The horror...the horror...
posted by Thorzdad at 3:42 PM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]


Wow, io9! No crappy pagination!
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 3:54 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oliver Stone's Return of the Apes...some Fox executive insisted on adding a sequence where apes are ineptly playing baseball, and wouldn't allow the film to be made without it.

Last shred of respect: gone.

This reminds me of nothing so much as Kevin Smith's infamous "Superman has to fight a giant spider" story.
posted by ShutterBun at 3:59 PM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]


Also noteworthy: James Cameron seems to have had his hands in just about EVERYTHING. When does he sleep?
posted by ShutterBun at 4:01 PM on August 10, 2012


If Neuromancer/Count Zero/Mona Lisa Overdrive could be made into a long arc HBO-style series

I expect that future is just a bit too silly and dated at this point. It's a very early-80s THE SEX PISTOLS AND JAPANESE WILL EAT US ALL!!!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:03 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


/still believes in Cyberpunk revival.
posted by Artw at 4:05 PM on August 10, 2012 [6 favorites]


Producer Akiva Goldsman snuck a Superman/Batman logo into I Am Legend.

Implying that it was a Batman vs. Superman movie that really turned everyone into vampires and ended civilization.
posted by JHarris at 4:05 PM on August 10, 2012


Having read the wiki synopsis I can believe it.
posted by Artw at 4:10 PM on August 10, 2012


When does he sleep?

He does not sleep. He waits.
posted by elizardbits at 4:15 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


James Cameron draws his power from our desire to see him make good movies again, and he feasts on our disinterest in Avatar sequels.
posted by Mezentian at 4:17 PM on August 10, 2012


I expect that future is just a bit too silly and dated at this point. It's a very early-80s THE SEX PISTOLS AND JAPANESE WILL EAT US ALL!!!

Not at all; cyberpunk fiction is just too much like daily life now. We're all slumming it in our economically broken, filthy, crumbling industrial wastelands with shiny tech toys manufactured by corporations that buy their own laws while scientists create artificial jellyfish tissue things and pop music sounds like this.
posted by byanyothername at 4:26 PM on August 10, 2012 [21 favorites]


Given that the lag between SF on film and SF in Print I wouldn't be suprised to see a whole bunch of Cyberpunk classics turn up at some point. Roll on Vurt and Schismatrix.
posted by Artw at 4:31 PM on August 10, 2012 [3 favorites]


I will never stop hoping for Ronnie Rocket.
posted by shakespeherian at 4:35 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


How could they not make "Zeppelin V. Pterodactyls"?
posted by mardybum at 4:39 PM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]


I'm always surprised by the high esteem for The Stars My Destination. Well, the SF community doesn't really surprise me by having very forgiving tastes (Foundation), but I hated SMD.

A lot of the projects here don't seem to lend themselves strongly to becoming movies, except that they have a high profile. Now if someone were to film M. John Harrison's Light, that could make for a great movie. It has some of the most striking and memorable images I've encountered in a novel.
posted by One Hand Slowclapping at 4:39 PM on August 10, 2012


Yeah, cyberpunk isn't really a genre anymore because, these days, it's just fiction. Not SF, just regular fiction.

Allow me to reference a comment I made a few days ago as evidence. We are living in an SF story right now.

I've seen people argue, more or less, that the future isn't here yet, because there are no flying cars. But they're making this argument via a global computer network, to readers all over the world, some of whom will be probably reading their comments via (rather crappy) machine translation.

The future is not flying cars. The future is Metafilter, and you're soaking in it.
posted by Malor at 4:42 PM on August 10, 2012 [4 favorites]


Someone should make a final Captain Picard versus Q film before it's too late.
posted by dng at 4:43 PM on August 10, 2012


I'm always surprised by the high esteem for The Stars My Destination. Well, the SF community doesn't really surprise me by having very forgiving tastes (Foundation), but I hated SMD.

It's pulpy and fun and a pretty well-written revenge tale! It's a real shame about the book's total blitheness about the kind-of-out-of-nowhere rape, as that's the only thing that keeps me from recommending the novel.
posted by Greg Nog at 4:43 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


Not at all; cyberpunk fiction is just too much like daily life now.

Cyberpunk might be. Neuromancer and Count Zero aren't. You could make a good early-cyberspace movie with a little updating -- Islands in the Net might work -- but all the aesthetics that make Gibson's cyberpunk what it is are just kinda goofy now. If you strip away the aesthetics, you're left with a heist movie up until Wintermute and Neuromancer merge.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:46 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


Hmm, The Tourist sounds pretty interesting.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 4:46 PM on August 10, 2012


My favourite movie that never existed (although perhaps one day mankind will be so blessed) was actually the subject line of the greatest spam email I ever received:

MEGAPENIS VS COCKTOPUS

I would like to to star Very Serious Method Actors in plush weenor costumes.
posted by elizardbits at 4:47 PM on August 10, 2012 [11 favorites]


Yeah, that's a weird the-50s-are-not-today moment that's kind of icky.

(Initially I wrote the-70s-are-not-today, because the whole book, I guess even that scene, feels more like a product of that era)
posted by Artw at 4:47 PM on August 10, 2012


MEGAPENIS VS COCKTOPUS

I shudder to what has-beens SyFy would dredge up to star in this.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:48 PM on August 10, 2012


Michael Biehn.
posted by elizardbits at 4:48 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


If you strip away the aesthetics

Inception.
posted by Artw at 4:48 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


Michael Beihn is a true star, you monster!
posted by Artw at 4:49 PM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]


michael has-biehn

lol lol lol
posted by elizardbits at 4:50 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


You are a bad person/possible alien/robot.
posted by Artw at 4:51 PM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]


Also, and I swear to god this is not just an excuse to mention poffins, I want to see Patrick Stewart and Gary Oldman in a live-action pokemon movie. Gary Oldman is Ash Ketchum and Patrick Stewart is Pikachu.
posted by elizardbits at 4:52 PM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]


Meryl Streep as Bulbasaur.
posted by elizardbits at 4:52 PM on August 10, 2012


You are a very sour poffin.
posted by Artw at 4:54 PM on August 10, 2012


Crispin Glover is Squirtle.
posted by elizardbits at 4:56 PM on August 10, 2012 [4 favorites]


How could they not make "Zeppelin V. Pterodactyls"?

I think they did. It was called Sherlock Holmes.
posted by Mezentian at 5:03 PM on August 10, 2012


Crispin Glover is Squirtle.

I think you meant this as a casting recommendation, without realizing that, in life, it is true.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 5:04 PM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]


15. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

Thank goodness Hollywood never did this. It would have been a disaster. It would have been the worst movie ever made, taking a magical work of perspective and wit beloved across generations and types of media and turning it into a pile of steaming slapstick filth with Zooey Deschanel.
posted by gurple at 5:11 PM on August 10, 2012 [5 favorites]


Wow, that is more interesting than the Diamond Sutra by Quentin Tarantino, which I was imagining today on my run.
After Shakyamuni became a Buddha, he first spoke the Avatamsaka Sutra, which very few beings were able to understand. He then concealled the true and offered the expedient teaching," and he spoke the Agama Sutras. "Whom should I teach?" the Buddha wondered. Then he recalled, "Previously I had five fellow cultivators who supported my practice. I should teach them first, because in the past I vowed that when I became a Buddha, I would first teach those who have slandered me, killed me, or treated me badly." Who had treated the Buddha the worst? If you've read the Vajra Sutra, you'll know about King Kali. At the level of planting causes, when Shakyamuni Buddha was cultivating as a patient immortal, King Kali had chopped off the limbs of his body. Why?

In that previous life, Shakyamuni Buddha was a skilled cultivator. His body was covered with a thick layer of dust and dirt, and he never went down the mountain. He remained there cultivating ascetic practices. One day King Kali took his concubines his wives—along on a deer hunt. The women accompanied him into the mountains, but had no interest in hunting with the King. They wanted to have fun on their own. While strolling around in the mountains, they came upon a strange creature…they weren't quite sure what it was. Its eyebrows were three inches long and its hair was two feet long. Its face seemed to have never been washed, for the dirt caked on it was extremely thick. The dirt on its clothing was at least an inch thick. When these women saw it, they couldn't figure out what it was. They said, "It's a monster! Let's get out of here!"

Then the cultivator said, "You don't have to leave; I'm not a monster."

"It can speak!" they gasped. One of the braver ones asked him,

"What are you doing here?"

He replied, "I'm cultivating."

She asked, "What do you mean by ‘cultivating'?"

He said, "I'm cultivating in order to become a Buddha." Then he taught them the Dharma.

The women grew friendlier and expressed their concern, "You endure so much difficulty here. What do you eat?"

He answered, "I eat whatever there is—roots and leaves. I don't go out asking for food from people." By that time the women's fears vanished. One of them reached out to touch his eyebrows; another touched his hands, and yet a third patted his face. They viewed the cultivator as something precious and tried to get closer to him.

Meanwhile, King Kali had finished hunting and was looking for his concubines. He found them all gathered around something and tried to see what they were up to. He walked his way slowly toward them, not making a sound, and when he was close enough he saw them talking with a very strange man. What is more, one was touching his hands and another was patting his feet! Seeing them acting so friendly, the King immediately grew jealous. The cultivator was talking to his women about cultivation.

In a rage, the King bellowed, "You have no business cheating my women! What are you cultivating?"

The cultivator replied, "I'm cultivating patience."

"And what do you mean by ‘patience'?"

"I will not become angry at anyone who scolds or beats me."

King Kali said, "You may have cheated my women into believing you, but I'll never believe you. You say you can be patient? Is that true?"

The old cultivator said, "Of course."

"Fine, I'm going to give you a test!" The King then drew his sword and chopped off the old cultivator's hand. He said, "I've just chopped off your hand. Do you hate me?"

The cultivator said, "No."

You don't hate me? Then you really have some skill. But you must be lying. You just say you don't hate me, even though in your mind you do. You're lying! I'm a very smart person. You think you can fool me?" King Kali continued, "All right, since you claim you are patient and don't hate me, I'm going to chop off your other hand."

After chopping off the cultivator's other hand, the King asked, Now do you hate me?"

The old cultivator said, "No."

The King then chopped off the cultivator's feet. Having hacked off the cultivator's four limbs, he asked, "Do you hate me?"

"No," said the cultivator, "not only do I not hate you, but when I accomplish Buddhahood, I will save you first. How can I convince you that I don't hate you? If I hate you, my four limbs will not be restored, and if I don't hate you, my hands and feet will be restored, even though you have completely severed them from my body. If they are restored, that will prove that I don't feel any hatred. If I feel any hatred, that will not occur." Whereupon the old cultivator became whole again.

Having witnessed King Kali hack off the cultivator's hands and feet in such a cruel manner, the Dharma-protecting spirits manifested their great supernatural power and pelted the King with a shower of hailstones. Realizing the severity of his offense and seeing the cultivator's great spiritual powers, King Kali knelt before the cultivator seeking forgiveness.

The cultivator said, "If I don't realize Buddhahood, there is nothing to be said. But if one day I do, I will save you first." That is why the Buddha first went to the Deer Park to teach Ajnatakaundinya, who had been King Kali in a former life. Because of his past vow, the Buddha first wanted to save the person who had treated him the worst.

After hearing this story, we should all vow that after becoming Buddhas, we will first save those who treated us the worst. We shouldn't think, "You've been so mean to me. I'm going to send you to the hells after I become a Buddha." Don't make that kind of vow.
posted by sensi63 at 5:54 PM on August 10, 2012 [5 favorites]


Toshiro Mifune! As a klingon! Fighting Spock! My kingdom to make that happen.

Will also accept Mifune as a Magikarp.
posted by hot_monster at 5:57 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


Buddha Vs Team Rocket
posted by Artw at 6:03 PM on August 10, 2012


I am dedicating my life to building a machine that can download Terry Gilliam movies from a parallel universe where they all got made.
posted by Grimgrin at 6:26 PM on August 10, 2012 [5 favorites]


one does not take the Mifune in vain. In the near future when we have perfected the art of resurectionism, Mifune will be called forth from the void to start alongside a new-risen Kinski in Cyborg Tarkovsky's re-remake of Stalker, tentatively titled: Fukushima Dawn.
posted by Chrischris at 7:09 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


Buddha Vs Team Rocket

Buddha would not fight Team Rocket! He would simply show them how their grasping and aversion lead inexorably to more suffering. They would be enlightened, and go out to teach Pokemon that discriminating between poffins leads to becoming mired in Pokeballs.

No fighting.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:13 PM on August 10, 2012 [2 favorites]


Team Rocket would still be try to mess with Buddha and their backfiring efforts would lead them to disapear off into the sky.
posted by Artw at 7:15 PM on August 10, 2012


So much dissonance to process in that list. Right now I'm stuck on The Boys as a movie (ooh!) directed by Adam McKay of Anchorman (wha?).
posted by N-stoff at 7:38 PM on August 10, 2012


You... don't love lamp?
posted by Artw at 7:43 PM on August 10, 2012


Rodriguez owns the rights to Heavy Metal. Let that sink in.
posted by clvrmnky at 7:46 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


important and relevant pokéarts
posted by elizardbits at 8:42 PM on August 10, 2012


I DO NOT CHOOSE YOU.
posted by Artw at 9:04 PM on August 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


Robert Rodeuez and Mel Gibson can make any goddamn movie they want, because they make good movies that I want to watch. Because Machete was brilliant and Predators was the best Predator movie to come out since forever. Also, Apocalypto was damn good.
posted by Rocket Surgeon at 10:12 PM on August 10, 2012


Other things that should he said but really doesn't need to - David Lynch and Terry Gilliam should be given whatever they request. Stop making bad Alien/Star Trek/Terminator/Superman/X-Men movies, except first class was surprisingly good and somebody really should get on with making the Frank Miller Wolverine movie. Lobo really does need to he made, but made right. Nobody should remake Metropolis, but if they do then they need to go surrealist or something as long as it's not all white Germans. Now that I think about it, if they're going to make another dystopian movie, don't do Metropolis or Brave New World. Instead make Zamyatin's We with Kaufman as the writer, Gilliam as the director, and Cameron producing.
posted by Rocket Surgeon at 10:38 PM on August 10, 2012


Bend Over Earthlings (by Ed Sanders)
posted by Golden Eternity at 10:51 PM on August 10, 2012


Next X-Men movie is based off of Days of Future Past. I am a tiny bit excited by this.
posted by Artw at 5:54 AM on August 11, 2012


You could still do an Neuromancer film but it would have to be done in some sort of retro-future style and would require an absolute genius to handle some of the odder parts of the book (space-rastas) and the stuff that has now become cliche (thanks Matrix)... I'm not sure even Chris Cunningham could have managed it (although I'm sure it would have been very very pretty/beautifully ugly)
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 6:09 AM on August 11, 2012


Johnny Mnemonic is certainly a grim warning on this front...
posted by Artw at 6:14 AM on August 11, 2012


I think 'Do it as an anime' would be the best thing... (there was quite a good radio adaptation done by, I think, the BBC a few years ago that's probably still floating around on the internets)
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 6:33 AM on August 11, 2012 [1 favorite]


Real projects - I was expecting mashups, like "Abbot and Costello Meet Led Zeppelin"
posted by thelonius at 6:37 AM on August 11, 2012


Next X-Men movie is based off of Days of Future Past. I am a tiny bit excited by this.

I am more than a little worried.
posted by middleclasstool at 6:57 AM on August 11, 2012


Future Artw here! The 2013 X-Men movie must be stopped to prevent grim future where sentinel robots stalk the streets rounding up comics nerds! I know! Robots sound cool but actually it sucks! The horrors that I've seen since the 2014 Geek Registration act.

Middleclasstool, is that you? You're still alive? Listen, the thing that you absolutely must do is
posted by Artw at 7:11 AM on August 11, 2012 [3 favorites]


Huh?
posted by Artw at 7:12 AM on August 11, 2012


Real projects - I was expecting mashups, like "Abbot and Costello Meet Led Zeppelin"

I would probably go see Led Zeppelin v. Pterodactyl.

I would go see Led Zeppelin v. Panteradactyl twice. And then I would buy the DVD and watch the director's commentary.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:56 AM on August 11, 2012 [2 favorites]


You can rent these films if you just find the right video store.
posted by homunculus at 9:52 AM on August 11, 2012


Grimgrin: "I am dedicating my life to building a machine that can download Terry Gilliam movies from a parallel universe where they all got made."

It would have to pull from multiple universes-clearly, any one universe will only allow Gilliam to make 5% of the films he wants to make.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:25 AM on August 13, 2012


I was a bit surprised to read that Ridley Scott doesn't fancy making a movie out of Brave New World. In fact, I've always been wondering why it hasn't been made into a movie. Someone, please go ahead and do it. People nowadays are too lazy to read, and this story is too great to be missed!
posted by VivP at 12:10 AM on August 14, 2012


Alternate Reality Posters For Sci-Fi Movies That Never Were
posted by Artw at 3:58 PM on August 23, 2012


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