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August 17, 2012 4:19 PM   Subscribe

How to pick a successful pickup line (in two graphs)
posted by Brandon Blatcher (81 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite

 
What's the Y-axis of those graphs supposed to be? 1-10?
posted by muddgirl at 4:21 PM on August 17, 2012


Or are you just happy to see me?
posted by sendai sleep master at 4:23 PM on August 17, 2012 [5 favorites]


Here's the original article if anyone has access to the journal: Pick me up: Ego depletion and receptivity to relationship initiation
posted by muddgirl at 4:23 PM on August 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Here in SF, getting to know someone honestly as a person works best for me. And as some kind of awesome bonus I get all these friends if I don't push it.

That said "You are really fun, I like you" is probably the best. Works on me every time, at least if anything was going to work.
posted by poe at 4:27 PM on August 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


But how am I to know ahead of time what kind of state they are in? It's a wonder anyone is in a relationship at all.
posted by 2bucksplus at 4:28 PM on August 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


If I said your post was lame, would you hold it against me?
posted by superelastic at 4:31 PM on August 17, 2012 [20 favorites]


Or are you just happy to see me?

What's the matter; don't like pizza?
posted by ZenMasterThis at 4:36 PM on August 17, 2012


I can do it in one graph.
LIKELIHOOD I WILL RESPOND TO THIS METHOD

cheesy pickup lines .
anything else       ...........................
                    |                         |
                    0                       not 0 

posted by madcaptenor at 4:36 PM on August 17, 2012 [6 favorites]


Nah man what you want to do is neg. You gotta undermine her self-confidence so she starts trying to redeem herself to you socially yeah?

Something like "Hey babe... everything you touch turns to cancer and madness!"
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 4:53 PM on August 17, 2012 [37 favorites]


Are you a YouTube video? Because I want to embed you.
posted by etc. at 4:53 PM on August 17, 2012 [29 favorites]


To whom it may concern: Stop trying to optimize pickup lines.

Some are more creepy, some are less creepy, but making a science out of it is creepiest of all.
posted by Riki tiki at 4:58 PM on August 17, 2012 [9 favorites]


The original article refers to pickup lines as gambits, which might (for all I know) be standard in the social sciences literature but it's a weird metaphor. Not all conversational openings are high risk, and for non-sociopaths romantic encounters are not competitive zero-sum games.

Advice: Queen's Gambit Declined is a technically sound opening, but it's also a recipe for a dull evening.

Something like "Hey babe... everything you touch turns to cancer and madness!"

Bogoljubov tried that against Alekhine in tournament play in the mid-1930's. Alekhine responded by jabbing him in the eye with a bishop, a strategy now known as Alekhine's other defense.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 5:02 PM on August 17, 2012 [41 favorites]


I've created a flowchart to assist in the decision-making process.
posted by tiaz at 5:03 PM on August 17, 2012 [15 favorites]


Meh, I asked people "Who do you think would win in a fight, Pink or J.lo" for all the years either of those two people were even vaguely relevant. Then I switched it up to a Lion VS. Shark.

Everyone has an opinion on these issues. And it leads to all kinds of interesting debates. A Lion doesn't want to get wet, but a shark is kinda useless on land. Pink seems kinda agressive like she is itching to kicks some ass, but Jenny is from the block. There are lots of angles to consider. Before you know it you have been debating a shark fighting a lion for an hour and a half. Of course It also doesn't hurt if you have both had a couple drinks.
posted by Ad hominem at 5:04 PM on August 17, 2012 [8 favorites]


Who would win in a fight with astronauts vs cavemen, though?
posted by elizardbits at 5:05 PM on August 17, 2012 [4 favorites]


Who would win in a fight with astronauts vs cavemen, though?

The apes, after the maniacs blow it up. Wanna make out now?
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:09 PM on August 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


Is the Y percentage? So the answer is, "Never approach anyone, you creepy troglodyte?"
posted by cmoj at 5:10 PM on August 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I believe that is the official Metafilter position, yes.
posted by LordSludge at 5:11 PM on August 17, 2012 [11 favorites]


On earth? caveman, no doubt. Not only are they stronger they have been desensitized to fighting. An astronauts would only have to deal with a bulky suit and limited mobility he just wouldn't have that killer instinct.

An space it really isn't much of a contest.

Damn, I still got it. I'm htting the bar.
posted by Ad hominem at 5:12 PM on August 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


Yeah! Beat it, you stinkin' myconid.
posted by fleacircus at 5:12 PM on August 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Who would win in a fight with astronauts vs cavemen, though?

previously, it's like rock paper scissors.

Ninja beats pirate by attacking when the pirate is asleep.
Gladiator beats ninja because ninjas hate an audience.
Space marine beats gladiator because the M41A has a hundred bullets in the magazine.
Aliens beat space marines because the M41A only has a hundred bullets in the magazine.
Predator beats Alien.
Danny Glover beats Predator.
Mel Gibson beats Danny Glover (I'm getting too old for this...)
English archers beat Scottish clansmen.
Joan of Arc beats the English. (and aerobics instructors)
French knights lose to vikings when fighting in the North Sea. (where longboat > horse)
Spartan beats viking if fighting in the shade.
Samurai beats Spartan if the Spartan isn't standing next to many other Spartans.
Pirate beats samurai if the pirate is sufficiently drunk.

Meanwhile, in the superheavyweight division...

Batman beats Darth Vader at karaoke.
Indiana Jones would lose because Han shoots first.

Now all must love me and despair.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 5:20 PM on August 17, 2012 [13 favorites]


Oh, come on, you gotta know it's the astronaut. This isn't just a question of modern humanity versus some romanticized notion of the natural man; it's a question of a scientifically inclined person trained to travel in outer space, which means s/he's in awesome health, is totally fucking buff, AND is also pretty damn smart. Some jumpy dude who thinks fire is a demon and has never tasted a vegetable is pretty much doomed against a high-IQ swashbuckler who's spent years leveling up to superhero status.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 5:20 PM on August 17, 2012 [5 favorites]


Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I believe that foreign agents are trying to poison my food
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 5:22 PM on August 17, 2012 [35 favorites]


i am so sad that no one knows that was a spike/angel fight from season 5
posted by elizardbits at 5:24 PM on August 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


Dammit East Manitoba! I had just thought of a "Hey, I just met you" gag, and now I can't use it. And even if I wait til there are 120 comments, it will have been done 6 times by then and everyone will groan! Aaaargh.

*TANTRUMS*

(I knew a girl once who had lovely long brown hair, and she said this guy tried to chat her up by saying "You have lovely hair, are you a hairdresser" which she found really corny. It worked though.)

(The best chatup line ever used on me was at a youth club disco when I was about 13 and this girl came up to me and said "my mate fancies you." Perfect.)
posted by marienbad at 5:38 PM on August 17, 2012


If I recall correctly, I said something along the lines of "Wow, you really look like death" to win my sweetheart.

Context probably mattered a lot for that one.
posted by kyrademon at 5:38 PM on August 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Cavemen migrated through Siberia and Alaska. They didn't need to train becaue every day was a fight to stay alive. They would probably think the astronaut would be mighty tasty.

I guess it is moot as Angel and Spike alreay gamed it out. No spoilers though, I might watch that episode one day.
posted by Ad hominem at 5:38 PM on August 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


i am so sad that no one knows that was a spike/angel fight from season 5

Of course I know that! I'm posting to this thread on a Friday night. Do you really think I don't know my genre TV? For shame.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 5:50 PM on August 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


Is that a favorite in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
posted by special-k at 5:52 PM on August 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow, next time you should add the fact that Carl Weathers beats them all by getting a stew going out of their meat and some vegetables he stole off the craft table.
posted by winna at 6:02 PM on August 17, 2012


Not sure of the best way to gin up a conversation with a pickup line this weekend? Rest easy, wonks: We’ve got a graph to help you out.

This was so misleading! I totally wanted to gin up a conversation with a pickup line, but this article doesn't say anything about approaching pickup lines, or how to talk to pickup lines, or what kind of gin to buy for pickup lines. Boo!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:07 PM on August 17, 2012


So disappointed. I was expecting more of a "Build your own pickup line" via flowchart.
posted by insert.witticism.here at 6:18 PM on August 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


i am so sorry i cast aspersions on your geekery, kittens
posted by elizardbits at 6:19 PM on August 17, 2012


Yeah, I just gotta know so I am watching it on Netflix. Maybe I'll go to the bar later, but it is kind of latel. Maybe I'll just hang out at home and eat some Snyder's Honey Mustard and Onion pretzel bits, those are pretty good.

On the plus side I'll soon know who would win.
posted by Ad hominem at 6:27 PM on August 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Here's the worst pickup line I ever heard. The facts (before you hear the line) are these:

(a) it was not directed at me.
(b) it was a line an old roommate of mine used. To this day he has NO IDEA how he came up with it or why the hell he said it.
(c) the girl he used it on, well, they dated for 3 years.
(d) to this day she has NO IDEA why the hell she went for it and said yes.

Here's the line:
He pointed to her upper arm and said, "Can I bite you there?"

The mind boggles.

As for the worst one used on me, it was a spontaneous marriage proposal by a large intimidating fellow who went by the name "Sweeney Tood." I was told later that he's not a bad dude (though according to my boyfriend, he had DVDA porn in his bathroom), but at the time I was all, "OMFG THE CRAZY HAS FINALLY COME FOR MEEEEEE AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Moral of the story: what moral? Fuck if I know. Other than "pickup lines are fucking disturbing."
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:28 PM on August 17, 2012


...."DVDA porn"? Do I even want to know?
posted by jokeefe at 6:30 PM on August 17, 2012


*googles* Never mind. O_O
posted by jokeefe at 6:31 PM on August 17, 2012 [7 favorites]


In the circles I grew up in, stranger biting was not at all uncommon, so that seems perfectly natural to me. Except that he asked first.
posted by cmoj at 6:32 PM on August 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I cme i here expectig someoe to mke commet without usig y s or s, but eded up disppoited, so I hd to do it myself. dmmit!
posted by orme at 6:33 PM on August 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


Latka Gravas in his "Vic Ferrari" persona on Taxi pretty much won this game for good with: "Y'know, I look at you and I have to assume you've heard every stupid pickup line in the book. So I figure one more won't kill you, right?"
posted by George_Spiggott at 6:33 PM on August 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


Yes, I've noticed exactly this "ego depletion" bit with both myself and women with whom I'm flirting.
posted by jeffburdges at 6:34 PM on August 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


Years ago, a coworker of mine once told me that the worst pickup line she ever heard was "Mmm, Mmm, MMM! Girl, you are the cornbread and collard greens on my PLATE!"

The only pickup line I ever used was when I caught up with an old college friend and said, "Hey, since we are both living in North Carolina now, maybe we should go out sometime."

We have been married fourteen years.
posted by 4ster at 6:38 PM on August 17, 2012 [5 favorites]


Spike has mastered the art of negging.

sigh he's so dreamy
posted by nicebookrack at 6:43 PM on August 17, 2012


"So, do you think the U.S. will ever go metric?"

Works every time. Give it a whirl, you have my blessing.
posted by mcstayinskool at 6:45 PM on August 17, 2012 [7 favorites]


Who do you think would win in a fight, Sarah Vowell or Neil deGrasse Tyson?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:53 PM on August 17, 2012 [8 favorites]


Per Mike Doughty, I ask "Do you like robots?"

It works startlingly well.
posted by eustacescrubb at 6:56 PM on August 17, 2012


Sitting at the bar alone a pretty young thing sat next to me. "Thank the deity of your choice it's finally Friday. I'm pdxpogo and need someone like you, it's been a tough week. Can I buy you a drink?"

She looks at me and asks if I want to party... a working girl it seems.

It's enough to make a person look at Craig's List.
posted by pdxpogo at 7:00 PM on August 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Who do you think would win in a fight, Sarah Vowell or Neil deGrasse Tyson?

DeGrass Tyson two falls to a submission. Now take me home and do me with PBS on.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 7:02 PM on August 17, 2012 [4 favorites]


So your wingman just needs to administer difficult writing tasks before you try to chat someone up, right?

Also: Do you have a cigarette? I don't smoke. I just wanted to put something of yours in my mouth.
posted by shortyJBot at 7:13 PM on August 17, 2012 [4 favorites]


"You've got a THING in your teeth." That always used to work for me, before the accident.
posted by philip-random at 7:17 PM on August 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


You've got a THING in your teeth

Ben Grimm or Wilford Brimley? Cause I don't remember eating any Wilford Brimley.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:21 PM on August 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


Hey baby, wanna come up and see my graphs?
posted by BlueHorse at 7:24 PM on August 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


I skip the small talk and just stick my dick in the mashed potatoes. It usually gets a conversation going.
posted by Rocket Surgeon at 7:58 PM on August 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


I skip the small talk and just stick my dick in the mashed potatoes. It usually gets a conversation going.

Kinda depends what kind of party it is though, no?
posted by inigo2 at 8:07 PM on August 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


Aint no party like a county jail party cause a county jail party dont stop!
posted by cashman at 8:19 PM on August 17, 2012


I skip the small talk and just stick my dick in the mashed potatoes. It usually gets a conversation going.
inigo2: Kinda depends what kind of party it is though, no?

Oh, I'm pretty sure that'd get some sort of conversation going, no matter what kind of party it is.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:26 PM on August 17, 2012


i am so sad that no one knows that was a spike/angel fight from season 5

I knew.
posted by not that girl at 8:33 PM on August 17, 2012


Notice that all lines did not score well in general?
posted by ubermasterson at 8:35 PM on August 17, 2012


My pickup lines never worked, mainly because I used them in the car on the way home, alone.
posted by maxwelton at 8:35 PM on August 17, 2012 [5 favorites]


How to write a misleading headline (in one line).
posted by klangklangston at 8:56 PM on August 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


Hey doll, is this guy boring you; come with me, I'm from another planet.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:57 PM on August 17, 2012 [13 favorites]


Just under the article I read, "Who gained the most from the euro? And does it matter?" and thought it was a comment suggestion for a successful pickup line.

Could work, maybe?
posted by taz at 10:33 PM on August 17, 2012 [11 favorites]


'Are those space pants you're wearing? Because your ass is out of this world!'

This did not work for me. But, the one time I actually tried it, I was speaking the truth.
posted by fikri at 6:34 AM on August 18, 2012


Worst pick up line I've ever heard was last night, in Nicaragua, said, verbatim, in English, by an American guy, to a local girl at a bar:

"hey honey, you want go to America with me?"
posted by empath at 6:40 AM on August 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


"Pickup was invented in USA to counteract the evolution of a new species of women who no longer go by their emotions, but instead follow what the media tells them to do."
posted by wallstreet1929 at 8:05 AM on August 18, 2012


new species of women

I don't think "species" means what these people think it means. Unless these women won't actually mate with normal men.
posted by madcaptenor at 8:31 AM on August 18, 2012


This was so misleading! I totally wanted to gin up a conversation with a pickup line, but this article doesn't say anything about approaching pickup lines, or how to talk to pickup lines, or what kind of gin to buy for pickup lines. Boo!

Buy me some Hendricks and the likelihood that I will continue the conversation is 1.0
posted by ersatz at 8:42 AM on August 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


Is it just me, or is that article inconsequential and barely comprehensible rubbish? If they had a point I can't for the life of me see what it is or what those graphs have to do with it. There's no indication of how they judged which lines fell into which categories, no indication of how people were selected to be recipients of the lines, how they dealt with the differences between the people who had and had not done the "hard writing tasks"... it was just a load of old pony really, wasn't it?

Hey luv, do you like chicken?
posted by Decani at 9:31 AM on August 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


Jesus ... articles like this make me want to throw myself off of a bridge (moreso than usual).

Another reason (in a very long list) why I don't date.
posted by Relay at 11:21 AM on August 18, 2012


Worst pickup line I've ever heard of. Maybe ten years ago I was at a bar with my then girlfriend and she didn't really like bars so she was sitting alone in the corner. I was kinda keepin an eye on her and I noticed a guy walk over and say something and she started looking around the room, then she said something, the guy started to sit down next to her and she got her stuff, got up and walked away.

I figured he asked if him and his friends could sit there and she she came over to me I asked her if she gave up her spot. She said "the guy asked me if he could sit there because he was trying to get laid, so I moved to help him get laid". I was all like "lol wut? Who do you think he meant? There was nobody else over there" she said "yeah that was confusing, I looked around but I didn't see the girl"
posted by Ad hominem at 12:44 PM on August 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


Before you know it you have been debating a shark fighting a lion for an hour and a half.
This is some of the clearest evidence of the improtance of prepositions that I have ever seen. Unless the shark was actually with you and if so, boy howdy, can s/he multitask.

I tried "I'd like to lick apricot brandy out of your navel" once. It didn't work, but she did give me a bottle for my next birthday.

I was just having a brief conversation with Mrs. Plinth about how one of my old neighbors told about a first date experience wherein the man in question complimented her on "her nice pillows" while they were in a restaurant. I still am in awe of the audacity or cluelessness.
posted by plinth at 12:58 PM on August 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


This is some of the clearest evidence of the improtance of prepositions that I have ever seen.

Whats a preposition? could it beat a myconid in a fight?
posted by Ad hominem at 1:18 PM on August 18, 2012


No, but it's apparently improtant.
posted by plinth at 1:57 PM on August 18, 2012


> I tried "I'd like to lick apricot brandy out of your navel" once. It didn't work ...

I think only aardvarks can really pull that one off.
posted by kyrademon at 3:30 PM on August 18, 2012


Yeah, because having people read three pickup lines on a piece of paper and then indicate, again on a piece of paper, "how likely they would be to continue to talk to the initiator, view the initiator positively, and give the initiator their phone number" really tells you a ton about the way people react in social situations. Because people generally get picked up by pieces of paper. The fact that pieces of paper can't touch you without invitation, stare at your chest or otherwise send out the creepy vibes often found in users of pickup lines probably accounts for the one group's 4.16 on a scale of 6, which sounds like a huge overestimate to me.

This study could have been way better if it'd been constructed in the context of online dating, where communication in a text format is expected and they could actually see whether people responded to the messages instead of relying on hypotheticals. As it is, it might be a study of ego depletion, but it sure as hell ain't a study of pick-up lines.

(Abstract found here.)
posted by ostro at 5:44 PM on August 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think only aardvarks can really pull that one off.

You need to get out more kyrademon.
posted by Relay at 6:47 PM on August 18, 2012


I am certainly more susceptible to pickup lines when I am eggo depleted.
posted by srboisvert at 7:27 PM on August 18, 2012


Leggo!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:07 PM on August 18, 2012


I wrote a blog entry on pick-up artists once, after seeing a talk show. I was almost immediately flooded with comments from guys telling me that they had to use these techniques because the odds were stacked against them, maybe I should have my husband hypnotize me because all I needed was to get laid (from the hypnotist selling mind control "get hot chicks now" techniques), and a few requests for book reviews.

I did do one book review, because the author (who had been a guest on the show) seemed to genuinely want to get the female's point of view on why some of the techniques could be deemed insulting to women. The second one, however, made me throw up a little in my mouth after reading the first page.

I eventually deleted the whole blog because I couldn't handle the sheer volume of comments anymore. News at 11:00: bars are meat markets and if you go to one expecting to meet the love of your life, you're going to get exactly what you deserve. Because everyone looks better when you're drunk.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 7:21 AM on August 19, 2012


I met the love of my life in a bar. I just wasn't the love of her life.
posted by Ad hominem at 10:41 AM on August 19, 2012


"I don't think we've met..." worked like a champ for a girl at my apt building's pool. We went deep sea fishing this past weekend, where I puked 5 times in front of her, so... FINGERS CROSSED!!
posted by LordSludge at 5:29 AM on August 20, 2012 [1 favorite]


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