What does the world need? A spider. With claws.

August 22, 2012 7:24 AM

It's a brand new nightmare fuel -- meet Mr. Clawed Cave Spider "When something touches their feet [their claws] may snap shut and seize their prey." Just look at this big guy who would love to drop in your hair as you spelunk in the caves of Southern Oregon! Oh hey those claws are BARBED too. So, totally will get caught in your hair.
posted by angrycat (95 comments total)

Why do you hate me so much?
posted by maudlin at 7:27 AM on August 22, 2012 [4 favorites]

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
posted by tzikeh at 7:29 AM on August 22, 2012 [7 favorites]

He added that finding a spider of this size suggested there were many more exciting discoveries of species to be made, even in well explored countries like the US.

LIKE THE LOST UNDERGROUND WORLD OF THE DINOSAURS!

Please don't tell me this is not possible; I need my hope.

Also, cool spiders are cool.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:30 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

The dinosaurs were all eaten by spiders, sry.

bad spiders.
posted by elizardbits at 7:35 AM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

At least "Trogloraptor" is a less intimidating name than the first suggestion: Helldeathmonsterbraineater.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:36 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Helldeathmonsterbraineater

Called "Helldy," by the fans.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:38 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

It's hard to get much exciting (that is, terrifying) than just "cave spider."
posted by theredpen at 7:41 AM on August 22, 2012

I don't want dinosaurs, I want all the megafauna the Native Americans hunted to extinction. I NEED A DONKEY SIZED WOOLY MAMMOTH FRIEND.
posted by samofidelis at 7:42 AM on August 22, 2012 [4 favorites]

Trogloraptor is an awesome name!
posted by drlith at 7:42 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

A cave spider you say? I knew I was practicing for something.

Also:

NOPE
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:42 AM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

…the actual discoverers were a team of citizen scientists from the Western Cave Conservancy.

“The man we named the spider for is actually a deputy sheriff,” Dr. Griswold said. “It really emphasizes the important role that citizen scientists play and will play in science.”

That's pretty great.
posted by zamboni at 7:43 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

It's always been intriguing to me how my arachnophobic instincts are fine-tuned enough to make all spiders horrifying, but some spiders far more horrifying than others. In fact, I could probably construct a detailed hierarchy of spider scariness if I needed to. Just why it was important to ancient natural-selection conditions that my ancestors be more terrified of an orb weaver but only mildly uncomfortable around jumping spiders, who knows?

With the winning combination of long spindly legs + enormous hairless oblong abdomen + wasp waist, though, this new discovery comes close to the top of the list. Now, if it can only get started evolving some sort of enormous saucer-sized variant...
posted by Bardolph at 7:44 AM on August 22, 2012

Last night I spent some time watching the beautiful orb spider currently policing my garden, and this morning carefully shepherded a tiny baby spider to a safe spot from the shower. Learning that there are spiders yet undiscovered gives me a happy, and this guy is really cool. Thanks for posting.
posted by kinnakeet at 7:46 AM on August 22, 2012 [5 favorites]

The oblique membranous division of the basal segment of the anterior lateral spinnerets of Trogloraptor suggests that this haplogyne family is the sister group of the other Dysderoidea (Dysderidae, Oonopidae, Orsolobidae and Segestriidae). Trogloraptor is known only from caves and old growth forest understory in the Klamath-Siskiyou region of Oregon and California.

Goes well with fish.
posted by three blind mice at 7:48 AM on August 22, 2012

Spider horror aside, the caves in Southern Oregon are pretty great. There was a N.A. chief called Captain Jack who fought off whitey from his cave hangout in S.O. He should have just tossed some spiders at them.
posted by angrycat at 7:49 AM on August 22, 2012

Also, the new spider species with beefy arms and consummate V spinities will be called Trogdoraptor.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:54 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

“The man we named the spider for is actually a deputy sheriff,” Dr. Griswold said.

That's just the cover story. We all know who the spider is really named for.
posted by Rangeboy at 7:54 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Rangeboy: "That's just the cover story. We all know who the spider is really named for."

BALEETED!
posted by Rock Steady at 7:55 AM on August 22, 2012

My previous comment notwithstanding, certainly not all spiders are bad. Who could resist these jolly fellows/ladies and their charming hats?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:57 AM on August 22, 2012 [12 favorites]

I am going to bring back Investigation Centipede here.
posted by shakespeherian at 7:59 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Meanwhile, not all cave spiders live in caves. Some live in castles.
posted by kinnakeet at 8:00 AM on August 22, 2012

“And we really don’t know how yet abundant nor how widespread they may be,” Dr. Griswold added.

When they start clawing their way up from the earth beneath us by the millions, we'll know. Oh, yes, we'll know then.
posted by Naberius at 8:02 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Who could resist these jolly fellows

woop woop woop woop woop
posted by zamboni at 8:04 AM on August 22, 2012 [6 favorites]

OHMANFUCKALLTHAT.JPG
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 8:05 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

GOOGLE WHIP SCORPION
posted by Artw at 8:06 AM on August 22, 2012

VINEGARROON 2012.
posted by zamboni at 8:09 AM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

They live in caves and they hate us for our freedom, again.
posted by colie at 8:10 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Spider horror aside

One does not simply put spider horror aside.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 8:10 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

When they start clawing their way up from the earth beneath us by the millions, we'll know. Oh, yes, we'll know then.

FROM BENEATH YOU, IT DEVOURS.
posted by shiu mai baby at 8:12 AM on August 22, 2012 [6 favorites]

Why do I get the feeling that spider macros are in the near future? Icanhaswebburger?
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:15 AM on August 22, 2012

I'll put off being properly horrified until we (inevitably) hear how much these guys just looooove to crawl deep into the sleeping people's ears and lay thousands of their eggs in there. Or something.

SWEET DREAMS!
posted by argonauta at 8:17 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

the new spider species with beefy arms

See now I'm remembering that tumblr of the seagulls with muscular human arms and imagining spiders instead and I just don't know how I feel about this.
posted by elizardbits at 8:19 AM on August 22, 2012

(Spiders with muscular human arms, not seagulls with spider arms. I'm not a FREAK okay.)
posted by elizardbits at 8:19 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

argonauta: "these guys just looooove to crawl deep into the sleeping people's ears"

Ears if you are lucky.

elizardbits: "that tumblr of the seagulls with muscular human arms"

link plz
posted by Rock Steady at 8:20 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

seagulls with spider arms

it waits
posted by shakespeherian at 8:22 AM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

I just can't get over the fact that there's a Sheriff Trogloraptor out there.
posted by Lou Stuells at 8:22 AM on August 22, 2012 [8 favorites]

RAVER SPIDER
posted by shakespeherian at 8:24 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ah, I remember the halcyon days before seeing spiders bothered me, the careless days before that one woke me up from a sound sleep by crawling into my left ear and rhythmically stroking my eardrum.
posted by jamjam at 8:25 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

for example
posted by elizardbits at 8:28 AM on August 22, 2012

I don't particularly fear spiders, and I don't kill them when I see them in the house, but I don't think I'm going to be going into any Oregon caves any time soon either...
posted by JoanArkham at 8:29 AM on August 22, 2012

A poorly animated CG version of this creature will be eating washed up celebrities on the SyFy channel within the next few months.
posted by dortmunder at 8:34 AM on August 22, 2012

No, his name is Claude.
It's a common spider-language translation mistake.
posted by Kloryne at 8:35 AM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

Another exciting new role for Michael Biehn!
posted by elizardbits at 8:36 AM on August 22, 2012

Also, we need more entries under the ohfucknospiders tag.
posted by drlith at 8:40 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

we've all seen this one, right?
posted by shakespeherian at 8:44 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

WHY DID I CLICK THAT WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 8:45 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

it is apparently a huntsman spider
posted by shakespeherian at 8:48 AM on August 22, 2012

GOOGLE WHIP SCORPION

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GOOGLE WHIP SCORPION.
posted by blue_beetle at 8:55 AM on August 22, 2012 [4 favorites]

Is it worse than camel spider?
posted by elizardbits at 9:00 AM on August 22, 2012

I proposed to my wife in these very caves. Must share this photo with her. She's going to hate me sooooo much.
posted by Quack at 9:02 AM on August 22, 2012 [5 favorites]

WHIP SCORPION vs CAMEL SPIDER would be the most terrifying SyFy movie ever. They wouldn't have to be giant ones or anything.
posted by Artw at 9:09 AM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

Don't click, don't click, don't cl-AhhhhHHhhh!
posted by FunkyHelix at 9:15 AM on August 22, 2012

It should also star Michael Biehn, though.
posted by elizardbits at 9:16 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

BATTLEFIELD BIEHN - Whoever wins, he loses.
posted by Artw at 9:21 AM on August 22, 2012

More jolly raver spiders.
posted by moonbiter at 9:41 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

You know that nightmare photo of the camel spider? This one? I read that the camel spider is not at all terrifying! Because that photo is actually two camel spiders, and one has just bitten the other and refused to let go AS THOUGH THAT MAKES ANY GODDAMN DIFFERENCE WE SHOULDN'T HAVE INVADED IRAQ WE SHOULD HAVE NUKED IT INTO TRININITE GLASS
posted by samofidelis at 9:43 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

shakespeherian: "seagulls with spider arms

it waits"

No, no... I believe it drowns. Yes, surely it drowns.
posted by Splunge at 9:58 AM on August 22, 2012

That camel spider. I have a new appreciation for the term visceral.

Brain: A picture of spiders biting each other. Ok, neat.
Viscera: RUN. RUN NOW.
posted by skrozidile at 10:05 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

I think spiders are great, though there is always a part of my brain that starts going "eeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEE" whenever I start looking at the crazy pictures of them. I can usually overcome this problem. Then I found this:

They live in caves and make a few strands of silk from which they hang from the ceiling. They hang legs in air in dark and wait for their prey to come by. We have never seen them eat or catch their prey.

posted by nasayre at 10:21 AM on August 22, 2012

Am I, like, the only person here who thinks spiders are beautiful?
posted by davejay at 10:22 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

That's what Ash said about the Alien.
posted by Artw at 10:28 AM on August 22, 2012 [6 favorites]

Am I, like, the only person here who thinks spiders are beautiful?

It's possible to both think they are beautiful creatures worthy of great respect and also be all OMG HEEBLY JEEBLY RUN when you run into one in the wrong context. Like when you're innocently walking through the woods and come face-to-face with a wolf spider as big as your head.
posted by feckless at 10:31 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Am I, like, the only person here who thinks spiders are beautiful?
posted by davejay at 12:22 on 8/22
[+] [!]


You won't be if you have the courage to do what's right and leave and you don't come back and say your horrible monsterwords in this house again.
posted by samofidelis at 10:36 AM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

DELETE OREGON.
posted by jeffamaphone at 10:45 AM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

Oregon is an ugly planet. A BUG planet! A planet hostile to life.
posted by Artw at 10:48 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Aww, it's cute!
posted by happyroach at 11:00 AM on August 22, 2012

Am I, like, the only person here who thinks spiders are beautiful?

Not the only one (I study spiders for a living, and I hate these threads).
posted by dhruva at 11:00 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Dear Evolution:

Fucking stop it, already.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 11:09 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

I actually DO think spiders are pretty cool and beautiful really. Probably still don't want one dropping on me next time I'm exploring a lava tube though.
posted by Artw at 11:10 AM on August 22, 2012

S. Oregon also has Jerusalem crickets.

Want to become suddenly alert in the middle of the night? See one of these fuckers next to the toilet.
posted by angrycat at 11:10 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Look up how they have sex some time - they use their pedipalps. That's like a mouth foot.
posted by Artw at 11:10 AM on August 22, 2012

I like spiders and don't squash them and I am not ascared of them even though (because?) I grew up with black widows in the backyard. Spiders are neat. And also spider pictures.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:12 AM on August 22, 2012

Seagulls can die in a fire though.
posted by Artw at 11:12 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Well, you can just rock me to sleep tonight!!!!! ;P
posted by Hanuman1960 at 11:42 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

This is the answer to the question "Why do they keep delivering phone books to my door?"
posted by Kafkaesque at 11:44 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

I like spiders, even the humungous banana spiders we get around our house every summer. and they can be very beautiful, but I still don't like walking into a web. Because they might not go up the web to the safety of the door frame, but instead leap down onto your HEAD and start BITING over and over with their DRIPPING, VENEMOUS FANGS!

This girl I knew got bit by a brown recluse and almost lost her arm. TRUE STORY!
posted by Cookiebastard at 11:47 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Guys, not to be insensitive to you arachnophobes, but this thing is only one and a half inches wide. Besides, it probably spends all day killing things that are even more annoying to spelunkers.
posted by whir at 2:03 PM on August 22, 2012

I read a lot of Gerald Durrell as a kid and I really, really, really wanted to like bugs. I did. But spiders seem to think I am their queen, and seek me out in my bed to cuddle in my aura - in fact, in my bellybutton on at least one occasion and I WISH TO GOD I WAS MAKING THAT UP.
And there's the time a daddy longlegs chased me all around the backyard when I was very small and it was quite proportionally large. And everyone thought it was HILARIOUS and I was like SAVE ME YOU BASTARDS.
So. Spiders. Would love to love them if they didn't insist on crawling on me in my sleep.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 3:08 PM on August 22, 2012

I think spiders are beautiful and awesome.
posted by kyrademon at 3:27 PM on August 22, 2012

I think all spiders are wonderful, and this spider is no exception. I think that people who fear spiders should probably just get a puppy and embrace their inner softie. Seriously: spiders are the goddamned coolest. They kill flies too, which only makes me love them even more.
posted by Decani at 3:28 PM on August 22, 2012

Would love to love them if they didn't insist on crawling on me in my sleep.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 11:08 PM on August 22

You know they go right inside your various orifices and... leave things. Right?
posted by Decani at 3:30 PM on August 22, 2012

DECANI. I... WORDS.... AUGH
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 3:41 PM on August 22, 2012

p.s. I'll be in London next month. I am pondering a driveby. With a bucket of spiders.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 3:45 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

With a bucket of spiders.

Best threat ever!
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 5:24 PM on August 22, 2012

With a bucket of spiders.

oregon fried spider! - the new fast food sensation that's going to put both kfc and chic-fil-a out of business!
posted by pyramid termite at 5:31 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

what? did you think i was kidding?
posted by pyramid termite at 5:34 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Will I ever learn to not open these threads?!

*shudder*
posted by deborah at 7:43 PM on August 22, 2012

Glass spider. I hope this guy makes a sculpture of this new spider. His work is awesome!
posted by annsunny at 8:43 PM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

That Wesley Fleming site nearly gave me a heart attack. While I was intently analysing the gorgeous Zulu piece, after reading this whole thread, out of the corner of my eye I saw unnatural unquadruped movement. That blasted spider on the logo. I do believe I actually jumped back from the screen.
posted by Cobalt at 10:39 PM on August 22, 2012

Reddit is in synch with us, picture of a dead spider that was attached to a lady's personal hygiene product on removal.
You're welcome for me not linking it.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 1:21 AM on August 23, 2012

I don't understand how you Americans can squick out over a 2mm spider.

And it's not because I'm an Australian and therefore have at least three spiders crawling on my body at any given time.

It's because you have bears.

Bears, people.

A half-ton of teeth and rage that, if you meet it, will chase you down and eat your face.

And you could meet it. Because you do have bears. They're around.

I just thought that, knowing that you have bears, and that the threat of meeting an horrifying violent by them is very real, a spider wouldn't seem so bad.
posted by fonetik at 1:50 AM on August 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

But a bear is much less likely to appear without warning from under your toilet seat.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 3:22 AM on August 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

Somewhat less likely.
posted by drlith at 4:33 AM on August 23, 2012 [2 favorites]

Trogloraptor is an awesome name!

...for my new sludge metal band!
posted by infinitywaltz at 3:20 PM on August 23, 2012

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!
posted by epj at 4:00 PM on August 23, 2012