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Does Professor Wankerton have tenure?
August 22, 2012 10:40 AM   Subscribe


 
"amazeballs"?
posted by jquinby at 10:46 AM on August 22, 2012 [12 favorites]


"18. Tie him to the bed, then roll this copy of Cosmo up and smack him sharply on the nose with it repeatedly. Point to his penis and sternly say 'Bad boyfriend! No!' This will neatly encapsulate all of our previous sex tips, in case he hasn't yet got the message."
posted by wolfdreams01 at 10:46 AM on August 22, 2012 [48 favorites]


I did not expect that to be as hilarious as it was.

Frozen coins? Really?
posted by kinnakeet at 10:47 AM on August 22, 2012 [10 favorites]


As Professor Wankerton, I endorse this message
posted by Forktine at 10:47 AM on August 22, 2012 [11 favorites]


Tie his silky tie loosely around his penis

You know how much a tie costs? Notice they don't suggest using a Hermes scarf. Destroy your own clothes.
posted by Ad hominem at 10:48 AM on August 22, 2012 [42 favorites]


As Professor Wankerton, I endorse this message
posted by Forktine at 10:47 AM on August 22 [+] [!]


Do not press the Forktine hard enough to break the skin.
posted by pointystick at 10:49 AM on August 22, 2012 [36 favorites]


Amazeballs, because I want to think about the cast of W00tstock every time I have sex.

Also, I was going to register Professor Wankerton as a sock puppet but I figure someone else had already beaten me to it.
posted by bondcliff at 10:50 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


Cosmo is... Unbelievably dumb.
posted by Night_owl at 10:51 AM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


Do not press the Forktine hard enough to break the skin. posted by pointystick

That is like, meta-epynosterical!
posted by Forktine at 10:53 AM on August 22, 2012 [37 favorites]


"Lie limply on your back and order him to have gentle sex with you while staring into your eyes."

Danerys?

Amazeballs, because I want to think about the cast of W00tstock every time I have sex.

Not a fan of Mr. Hardwick?
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 10:56 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh Cosmo, so dependable, is there anything you can't get wrong?
posted by BrotherCaine at 10:57 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


SMBC Theater - Cosmotopian
posted by Algebra at 10:58 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


Not a fan of Mr. Hardwick?

Oh, I most certainly am, along with pretty much everyone involved in W00tstock. It's just that "Amazballs" makes me think of Wil Wheaton, and I don't want to be thinking of Wil Wheaton when I'm gently stroking my lover's perineum with a melon baller.
posted by bondcliff at 11:00 AM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


Frozen coins? Really?

I've made this point before, but Cosmo only understands two sensations. Oddly enough for a magazine that publishes sex tips, pleasure isn't one of them. The two sensations are hot and cold. We're one issue that's running short away from an entire issue devoted to sticking penises in coffee.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 11:01 AM on August 22, 2012 [59 favorites]


Venti coffee, no cream please.
posted by BrotherCaine at 11:04 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


Cosmopolitan = Platonic Moos (& No Coital Mops). No surprise.
posted by googly at 11:04 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


I would go with frozen ball bearings. Anything that is good enough for Hemingway to chill his whiskey with.
posted by Ad hominem at 11:05 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


We're one issue that's running short away from an entire issue devoted to sticking penises in coffee.

That's hot!

Sorry. Sorry everybody.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:07 AM on August 22, 2012 [5 favorites]


chill his whiskey

I have not heard this euphemism before so I will assume it is something really creepy.
posted by elizardbits at 11:07 AM on August 22, 2012 [6 favorites]


Laughing out loud by #4, tears in my eyes by #14. A few extra ass-forks, indeed.
posted by Gator at 11:07 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


10. "Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible."


No, dorks, you want to use something that melts because the latent heat of fusion is much larger than the total heat that will flow into the metal as its temperature raises without undergoing a phase change.

This is the same dumbness that brought us whiskey stones. 'Keep your booze concentrated, don't use ice cubes that melt!' Eff that, I'm not listening to your opinions on liquor OR jamming cold things up your friendzone if you can't be bothered to learn basic thermodynamics.
posted by samofidelis at 11:10 AM on August 22, 2012 [101 favorites]


Some of these are funny and some of them are kind of a reach. Ain't nothing wrong with making your dude shave your legs (if he doesn't do a shitty job of it).

That said, if you want me to be turned on, do not invoke the mental image of a two-year-old who needs to pee. That's such a huge turnoff that it might be against the Geneva convention.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:13 AM on August 22, 2012 [6 favorites]


samofidelis, I think "friendzone" is now my new favorite euphemism for the female genitals.
posted by sotonohito at 11:13 AM on August 22, 2012 [15 favorites]


It's just that "Amazballs" makes me think of Wil Wheaton, and I don't want to be thinking of Wil Wheaton when I'm gently stroking my lover's perineum with a melon baller.

Gary Lineker.
posted by MartinWisse at 11:14 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


This reminds me of Matthew Baldwin's brilliant follow up list to a Men's Health article on the 30 hottest things you can say to a naked woman:

http://www.defectiveyeti.com/archives/001209.html
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 11:15 AM on August 22, 2012 [10 favorites]


Ah, but boys can have a chilly pal, too, kemosabe.
posted by samofidelis at 11:15 AM on August 22, 2012


"You know how much a tie costs? Notice they don't suggest using a Hermes scarf. Destroy your own clothes."

>Use your bra to bind his hands behind his back...


At least they're equal opportunity about stupidly ruining perfectly good, expensive clothing items.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:15 AM on August 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


I am literally incapable of reading these. It's like that sensation of watching some incredibly uncomfortable sitcom basically predicated on awkward human beings being awful to one another, like, say, the original version of The Office, minus the part where things are actually funny and not just all-around embarrassing.
posted by brennen at 11:16 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


As Professor Wankerton, I endorse this message
posted by Forktine at 10:47 AM on August 22 [+] [!]


No, I am Professor Wankerton!
posted by Mental Wimp at 11:16 AM on August 22, 2012


you want to use something that melts because the latent heat of fusion is much larger than the total heat that will flow into the metal as its temperature raises without undergoing a phase change

Boy, if I had a penny for every time I've heard that.

I'd be SUCH a hit with the ladies.

Once I'd bought a freezer.
posted by yoink at 11:17 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


No insult to Nerve, but Cracked.com did it better: 7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:20 AM on August 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


This one also works if you’ve ever fantasized about getting eaten out by a guy in STOMP.

omigod how did they know
posted by shakespeherian at 11:21 AM on August 22, 2012 [6 favorites]


8. "Quiz him — what’s your favorite flower, movie, etc. — and if he gets it right, he’s earned ten seconds of oral. Wrong and you drizzle candle wax (use a massage candle, which won’t burn) on his chest."

"Make him whiteboard a binary search!"
posted by Artw at 11:23 AM on August 22, 2012 [52 favorites]


These are pretty damn vanilla but I'd happily go along with them, although not if she's citing Cosmo.
posted by jeffburdges at 11:23 AM on August 22, 2012


Ahh, nice catch with #8 there, Artw. Ain't exactly kosher with modern sexual ethics.
posted by jeffburdges at 11:26 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


My favorite tip (referred to here) is surprising your boyfriend by pressing a warm, smooth stone against his perineum during sex. Because really, who doesn't want a no-warning rock-in-the-taint?
posted by en forme de poire at 11:26 AM on August 22, 2012 [22 favorites]


Ain't nothing wrong with making your dude shave your legs

Is this my razor!? Sonnuvabitch!
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:28 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


WHO WANT TO GET KISSY IT'S SMOOCHIN TIME
posted by samofidelis at 11:30 AM on August 22, 2012


This is the same dumbness that brought us whiskey stones.

Hey now, there's nothing wrong with whiskey stones. The whole point is that they don't get the whiskey either watery nor too cold. It's not vodka, after all.

I'm not sure what this has to do with Cosmo, except that whiskey is probably less dangerous to your sex life than that magazine.
posted by Kadin2048 at 11:35 AM on August 22, 2012


Ain't nothing wrong with making your dude shave your legs

My feelings about this is that you are likely to wind up with bleedy legs.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:35 AM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


Cosmo is like Mad, but with boobs on the cover.

I was going to say Cracked, but the jokes in Cosmo aren't quite as funny.

What's that you say? Cosmo isn't joking? Oh, then nevermind.
posted by tommasz at 11:37 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


My feelings about this is that you are likely to wind up with bleedy legs.

I have done this with other lady people and it ended up as a bloodbath. (not for sexy reasons, for "my friend is 100 billion months pregnant and can't reach" reasons)
posted by elizardbits at 11:39 AM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


#15 is how Helen Gurley Brown died.
posted by cog_nate at 11:43 AM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


No, I am Professor Wankerton!

We're all Professor Wankerton.
posted by WalterMitty at 11:44 AM on August 22, 2012


... a sexy bloodbath?
posted by shakespeherian at 11:45 AM on August 22, 2012


I've never seen someone shave their legs as carefully as I shave my face.I don't think anyone would get cut, I think would just take hours to do. I'm thinking after 45 minutes it would cease being sexy and I'd still be like "there's a whole missed spot over there, you can't walk around like that"
posted by Ad hominem at 11:55 AM on August 22, 2012 [8 favorites]


Ain't nothing wrong with making your dude shave your legs

What if your dude is the Trinity Killer?
posted by Sys Rq at 11:57 AM on August 22, 2012


I enjoy the other -- whaddyacall them, taglines, maybe? -- on the cover promoting other stories within. (I gather that with Cosmo, as with The Onion, often once you have read the headline there is nothing but reiteration in the text itself.) Check the lower right corner: "When Your Vagina Acts Weird After Sex." I am not sure what "acts weird" means in this context, but somehow I think it is like Crispin Glover in some fashion.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:57 AM on August 22, 2012 [23 favorites]


What is up with all these BDSM people always telling you how to do it 'right'?
posted by srboisvert at 11:58 AM on August 22, 2012


It grows a beard and pretends to be pursuing a new career as a rapper.
posted by elizardbits at 11:58 AM on August 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


Tie his silky tie loosely around his penis, then roll it up and down for a silky handjob.

I have no idea what they're even suggesting here. "Up and down" is meaningless when you don't know what position the guy is in, and can't understand at all what the rolling is about.
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:59 AM on August 22, 2012


Instead you should tie the tie regularly and draw a face on his dick with a sharpie and take a photo and post it to your twitter.
posted by elizardbits at 12:04 PM on August 22, 2012 [33 favorites]


Because really, who doesn't want a no-warning rock-in-the-taint?

No-warning Rock-in-the-taint is the name of my Soft Cell cover band.
posted by Tknophobia at 12:04 PM on August 22, 2012 [25 favorites]


samofidelis, I think "friendzone" is now my new favorite euphemism for the female genitals.

That brings new meaning to all the questions in AskMe about being stuck in the friendzone.

Ain't nothing wrong with making your dude shave your legs

I've shaved many legs, none of them my own. Knees and ankles are tricky, but otherwise it's easy peasy... but also not hugely erotic other than just touching a naked person.
posted by Forktine at 12:05 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


I have done this with other lady people and it ended up as a bloodbath.

Man, that's what I get for hastily skimming the thread.
posted by restless_nomad at 12:07 PM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


What is up with all these BDSM people always telling you how to do it 'right'?

Some of us are bossy. Big surprise there.
posted by the young rope-rider at 12:10 PM on August 22, 2012 [35 favorites]


No, I am Professor Wankerton!

We're all Professor Wankerton.


The last time I saw Spartacus I don't remember it having such a happy ending! (Or perhaps I mean so many happy endings.)
posted by RogerB at 12:10 PM on August 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


Also, holy fuck hitting someone with a wooden or plastic paddle while their skin is wet is going to hurt really bad. They're like "wet skin makes it hurt more" like that is a good thing...disturbingly bad advice.
posted by the young rope-rider at 12:11 PM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


As you’re riding him, clamp down on his earlobes with your fingers, and pull on them to rock yourself forward and backward."

Thank goodness they specified "with your fingers." Otherwise I would have been VERY confused.
posted by argonauta at 12:13 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


What is up with all these BDSM people always telling you how to do it 'right'?

I'm not even a BDSM person and even I know how wrong these are.
posted by bondcliff at 12:15 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


As you're riding him, grab onto his hands and make him slap his own face. Taunt him repeatedly with "Why're you hitting yourself, huh? Why're you hitting yourself, loser?" until he breaks down and weeps inconsolably.
posted by elizardbits at 12:17 PM on August 22, 2012 [102 favorites]


As you’re riding him, clamp down on his earlobes with your fingers, and pull on them to rock yourself forward and backward.

this was written by an 8th grader who has never seen anyone naked

not even themselves
posted by the young rope-rider at 12:17 PM on August 22, 2012 [15 favorites]


HIRE ME COSMO I AM SO GOOD AT THIS
posted by elizardbits at 12:17 PM on August 22, 2012 [6 favorites]


As he's about to go down on you, punch him in the stomach and steal his lunch money. Later, tell everyone that he wets his pants and still sleeps with a special blankie.
posted by elizardbits at 12:18 PM on August 22, 2012 [10 favorites]


My new band name is Professor Wankerton And The Frozen Loose Change.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:20 PM on August 22, 2012 [14 favorites]


I am convinced that at least half of these are ducks. As in, the writers "put a duck in", a deliberate error, in order to make the editors feel useful when they ask for its removal. But instead of it working the way it's supposed to, they just waved the whole thing on through.

It is, for some of them, the only thing I will allow myself to believe.
posted by Mizu at 12:20 PM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


As you're riding him, grab onto his hands and make him slap his own face. Taunt him repeatedly with "Why're you hitting yourself, huh? Why're you hitting yourself, loser?" until he breaks down and weeps inconsolably.

then eat a bunch of ice cream and throw up on him
posted by the young rope-rider at 12:20 PM on August 22, 2012 [9 favorites]


"Make him whiteboard a binary search!"

"Yeah baby, you're probably used to O(n log n) lovin', but get ready, 'cause I'm an O(n2) kind of man."
posted by benito.strauss at 12:21 PM on August 22, 2012 [7 favorites]


4. "Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs."
This was clearly written at lunchtime, after a morning spent rummaging around the office for kinkspiration. Rejected options: "Hold a blueberry muffin in your fist and punch him in the mouth." "Pretend to be a naughty piece of printer paper and tell him to 'staple' you." "Act like a PDF and order him to 'fax me hard.' Make all relevant noises."


That's brilliant.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:21 PM on August 22, 2012 [16 favorites]


then eat a bunch of ice cream and throw up on him

Dinner?
posted by ominous_paws at 12:22 PM on August 22, 2012


then eat a bunch of ice cream and throw up on him

then try it again with hot coffee! SO HOTTT.
posted by elizardbits at 12:22 PM on August 22, 2012 [8 favorites]


BDSM is like soccer and socialized medicine; fascinating, but hard for a lot of Americans to understand.

On first glance: Hee! That is very funny!

On second glance: Wait, there's a whole nationality that does understand BDSM? Like maybe Brazilians have the masochism thing down because of all the waxing? Or the Brits because of the canings? I just don't even.
posted by rhiannonstone at 12:23 PM on August 22, 2012


As you're riding him, grab onto his hands and make him slap his own face. Taunt him repeatedly with "Why're you hitting yourself, huh? Why're you hitting yourself, loser?" until he breaks down and weeps inconsolably.

then eat a bunch of ice cream and throw up on him
posted by the young rope-rider at 2:20 PM on August 22 [+] [!]


Whoa - Did we live together for a few years last decade?
posted by pupdog at 12:23 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


Nobody has better sex tips than Bjork.
posted by benito.strauss at 12:25 PM on August 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


I agree, Tell Me No Lies. Especially "Hold a blueberry muffin in your fist and punch him in the mouth."
posted by queensissy at 12:28 PM on August 22, 2012


Whoa - Did we live together for a few years last decade?

No, I would never do that




(I am lactose intolerant)
posted by the young rope-rider at 12:29 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


The wife and I have conversations concerning this 50 Shades nonsense. She's dubbed it "mommy porn".

I honestly think they could just reissue the same issue of Cosmo every month and no one would notice. (actually, they may already do this. I should check)
posted by swizzle_stik at 12:41 PM on August 22, 2012


Mental Wimp: "No, I am Professor Wankerton!"

So... what are your office hours?
posted by Karmakaze at 12:42 PM on August 22, 2012


There is (of course) a tumblr dedicated to made-up cosmo sex tips.

This one is my favorite.
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 12:45 PM on August 22, 2012 [5 favorites]


oh my god

PULL THE LEVER KRONK
posted by elizardbits at 12:50 PM on August 22, 2012 [6 favorites]


as my BF says: "The safe word is 'blue'. When you turn blue, I'll stop."
posted by sexyrobot at 12:52 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


BDSM is like soccer and socialized medicine

No wonder I like it so much!
posted by nickmark at 12:55 PM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


PULL THE LEVER KRONK

twss
posted by shakespeherian at 1:05 PM on August 22, 2012


I HOPE YOU HAVE PET INSURANCE
posted by Acheman at 1:11 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


This is a pretty good list of novelties to think about doing when you have no actual kinky interests but are titillated by 50 Shades.

For the actually kinky or people who would actually try this it is moot. Kinky people do things because they have desires others don't have. They know it. They have been thinking and masturbating over it for years. Anything new in this list for them would either not be for them or fit into their larger vocabulary of filth. Sure, it might not turn you on, but that is the nature of kink: either you get off on it or you think it is weird.

But, for the 50 Shades set this is great. Frozen coins or cling wrap, oh exciting! I will be sure to think I am being naughty when I am not. Like a soccer mom who goes to a pole-dancing fitness class trying on the cloths of kink.
posted by munchingzombie at 1:12 PM on August 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


This is a pretty good list of novelties to think about doing when you have no actual kinky interests but are titillated by 50 Shades.

I have kinky interests and if someone hit me with a hairbrush or gave me a pedicure or whatever, I'd be thrilled. The reason this is an objectively bad list is because some of it is actually assault.
posted by the young rope-rider at 1:16 PM on August 22, 2012 [6 favorites]


And the rest of it is mind-bogglingly stupid.
posted by elizardbits at 1:25 PM on August 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


Oh sorry if my comments are marginalizing any actual assforkers in the thread, my bad.
posted by elizardbits at 1:25 PM on August 22, 2012 [12 favorites]


Anything that is good enough for Hemingway to chill his whiskey with.

I really don't want to know what "chill his whiskey" might be a euphemism for.
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:34 PM on August 22, 2012


Metafilter: actual assforkers
posted by elizardbits at 1:36 PM on August 22, 2012 [11 favorites]


It goes like this: Editor asks underpaid writer to assemble a "best 10 list" under a tight deadline; writer performs task as asked while checking emails and updating Facebook. Writer submits to editor, who does a routine check for overlaps with previous lists and places in the publishing pipeline. Weeks later, reader browses mag while waiting in checkout line, registering each item in list for a nanosecond and moving on.

Nobody is captivated, intrigued, interested, or turned on by this content, from the initial stages of publishing to the terminus at the reader. Nobody clips out the information, copies it, files it, or remembers it for future use in bed. Nobody. It's garbage in, garbage out all the way. Like local news broadcasts, it's a timefiller, an opportunity to entertain a few brain synapses and move on.
posted by Gordion Knott at 1:45 PM on August 22, 2012 [9 favorites]


I am convinced that at least half of these are ducks.

Cosmo should do a piece on tips for duckfuckers.
posted by homunculus at 2:00 PM on August 22, 2012


Students are once again reminded that Professor Wankerton's office hours this semester are 3-6 on Tuesdays and 1-4 on Fridays, or by appointment, two weeks in advance. Any inquiries made outside of office hours, questions regarding the syllabus, or add/drop requests are to be directed to Assistant Professor McSpanksalot; or to your TAs, Mr. Ballgag and Ms. Pfister.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:10 PM on August 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


Seductively suck on your index fingers, then gently insert the tips into his ears. It will drive him WILD!
posted by kamikazegopher at 2:49 PM on August 22, 2012 [9 favorites]


elizardbits: " PULL THE LEVER KRONK"

omg, I nearly died laughing
posted by IndigoRain at 2:49 PM on August 22, 2012


then eat a bunch of ice cream and throw up on him
Whoa - Did we live together for a few years last decade?
No, I would never do that [...] (I am lactose intolerant)


Well duh, that's why you'd be throwing up.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:53 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


Nobody clips out the information, copies it, files it, or remembers it for future use in bed. Nobody.

Nobody who is (or has ever been) sexually active, you mean. The primary audience for Cleo/Cosmo sex tips is entirely virginal, and for those kinds of eager readers the tips are manna from the heaven inhabited by people who actually do it & know what they're talking about.

Fast forward a few months or years, and there will surely be somebody, somewhere, who in the midst of awkward first time sex will make things more awkward by ripping their partner's ears off by the lobes, or ramming a fork through their scrotum.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:56 PM on August 22, 2012 [12 favorites]


The marker squeaked across the blackboard as sweat dripped from his furRowed brow. There must be a more efficient way to sort these list!, he thought, if only he could concentrate!

"Tell me..." she purred, "have you ever heard of Big O Notation?"

He shuddered.
posted by Artw at 2:56 PM on August 22, 2012 [12 favorites]


He shuddered.

Then he glanced at his hand and his bowels turned to ice water.

It was a Sharpie.
posted by jquinby at 3:01 PM on August 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


That fork thing gets scary if she gets the mustard out too. Fifty shades of Grey Poupon. Not good.
posted by Decani at 3:01 PM on August 22, 2012 [7 favorites]


I used to tell boys about the cosmo suggestions in order to see their reactions.

WUT NO NEVER DO THAT THAT IS NOT FUNNY DONT

Is my favorite in the list? The whole grasp the man's friendzone firmly and press down hard enough to stimulate the prostate thing?
posted by skrozidile at 3:10 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Scrub! Scrub harder!" she demanded, thrashing at his buttocks while he fruitlessly worked the dry-erase.

"Noooooo!" he whined, "it's PERMENANT".

"Permenant like your inablitity to grasp simple Comp-Sci concepts? Then there must be... REPARATIONS!"
posted by Artw at 3:18 PM on August 22, 2012 [7 favorites]


(the title of this work is "Blue Badge my Balls!")
posted by Artw at 3:19 PM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


WUT NO NEVER DO THAT THAT IS NOT FUNNY DONT

And I was instantly reminded of this old chestnut.
posted by Decani at 3:20 PM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


Metafilter: A blueberry-muffin-punch in the mouth.
posted by Decimask at 3:45 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: A blueberry-muffin-punch in the mouth.

So that's the story behind the MeFi background color?
posted by benito.strauss at 3:58 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


Ahem. I am Professor Wankerton, and I'm here to flog my book and also to sell the thing I wrote WAHEY.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 4:15 PM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


(the title of this work is "Blue Badge my Balls!")

Not "Ow, My Balls!"?
posted by Mental Wimp at 4:33 PM on August 22, 2012


I cringe every time Cosmo uses the phrase "for a".
posted by Spatch at 4:36 PM on August 22, 2012


For a really good time around the holidays, chloroform your boyfriend/husband, and then:
1. Cut a hole in a box
2. Cover the box in wrapping paper
3. Fix the box around his friendzone

When he comes to, tell him that you'll be waiting until Christmas to open your gift.
That will really make him happy.
posted by Melee Loaf at 4:56 PM on August 22, 2012


"A room has three lightbulbs. An adjoining room has three lightswitches. It is not possible to see into the room with the lights from the room with the switches. How would you determine which light controls which bulb?"

"I try each in turn and check?"

"VERMIN! You are not permitted to check the lightbulbs more than one time!"

"I... I..."

"Perhaps we should find out together what a lightbulb does other than emit light."
posted by Artw at 4:57 PM on August 22, 2012 [6 favorites]


As a Professor (Emeritus) of Wanketology I'll have you know my PhD dissertation on Ice Cubes v/s Frozen Butter Sticks and Corresponding Implied Angle of Dangle (in Sub-Orbital Gravity) was very well received, and I've been offered chairs in both Sexography and Skankalitics.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 4:59 PM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


"Tell me..." she purred, "have you ever heard of Big O Notation?"

I read once The Story of Big O Notation. All these whole notes were a bit boring.
posted by ersatz at 5:08 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


I have a friend who worked for one of these magazines for a number of years, writing sex tips for women. He is a gay man, who to the best of my knowledge has never had sex with a woman, and who also has a hilariously disturbing sense of humor. All of which is to say, I think their standards have gone waaay down hill since he worked there.
posted by gingerbeer at 5:08 PM on August 22, 2012 [6 favorites]


ArtW: I use the landline in the basement, dial the electrician up on the phone, and ask him which switch works which bulb.

If he is still not forthcoming, it's a blueberry-muffin-punch in the mouse for the person who locked me in the basement.
posted by misha at 5:30 PM on August 22, 2012


Mouth, mouth, mouth! I meant blueberry muffin punch in the mouth!

The mouse punch is for NEXT month's Cosmos sex tips.
posted by misha at 5:31 PM on August 22, 2012


MISTRESS DOES NOT PERMIT OUTSIDE INTERFERANCE!

/pelts Misha with hot and cold lightbulbs.
posted by Artw at 5:32 PM on August 22, 2012


"When Your Vagina Acts Weird After Sex." I am not sure what "acts weird" means in this context, but somehow I think it is like Crispin Glover in some fashion.

Does that mean the vagina tried to karate kick David Letterman?
posted by jonp72 at 5:37 PM on August 22, 2012


16. "Let him run an electric toothbrush between your toes mid-foreplay. He shouldn’t stop no matter how much you squirm."

17. Get out the waterpik and squirt him up the nose,

18. Get out his electric razor and shave your initials into his back.

19. Get out your electric shoe polisher and buff his forehead.

20. Get out the electric hand vacuum and suck out his belly button lint.

21. Get out the electric carving knife of town.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:39 PM on August 22, 2012 [10 favorites]


Why do we even have that lever?
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 6:32 PM on August 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


For anyone who can't get enough Cosmo insanity: Pervocracy. Now with bonus pictures of toilet paper bondage!
posted by sheprime at 6:53 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


I haven't read Fifty Shades of Grey yet, but an awareness of "popular book out there" has slowly been percolating into my consciousness.
And I thought I had some kind of idea of what it was about.

This article is very confusing.
posted by Catch at 7:05 PM on August 22, 2012


Oh you guys. I had a very weird day, but your sex tips made me laugh very very hard. Thank you, seriously.
posted by ltracey at 7:08 PM on August 22, 2012


calling "Fifty shades of grey" BDSM is like Calling Clive Cusslers books "a correct depiction of history"

first of all, its shit.
second, twilight fanfic.
third, i've read better novel manuscripts on their second edit.
fourth, the storytelling in it makes my eyes cringe & I like Black Library stories (yeah, it's *that* bad)

It remains a deep mystery to me as to how that shit got published.

and you know its gone too far when its a fething feature in cosmo. jesus h christ what's next, my neighbour asking me if they can borrow our sybian..
posted by xcasex at 7:13 PM on August 22, 2012 [6 favorites]


Wait, there's a whole nationality that does understand BDSM?

If my memory of vaguely offensive national stereotypes serves me correctly, that would be the Germans.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:14 PM on August 22, 2012 [12 favorites]


I figure someone else had already beaten me to it. posted by bondcliff

That's tip #21
posted by zippy at 7:29 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


my neighbour asking me if they can borrow our sybian..

At least when the ride-on they wanted to borrow was your mower the only box you had to hope the neighbours cleaned was the one for the grass cuttings.
posted by howfar at 7:35 PM on August 22, 2012


I needed a serious belly laugh. Thanks. It was this article, it was this article, and mostly it was your comments.
posted by Miko at 7:36 PM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


Like a soccer mom who goes to a pole-dancing fitness class trying on the cloths of kink.

... taught by my single Mom sister who thinks that sex-positive gurus who point out how bad the Grey series is are only doing it for publicity.

Seriously. My sister's convinced that her destiny is to promote female empowerment and fitness through proprietary pole dancing. Makes me glad my nephew's not a girl.
posted by Val_E_Yum at 7:41 PM on August 22, 2012


the storytelling in it makes my eyes cringe & I like Black Library stories (yeah, it's *that* bad)

Hey, the Black Library has put out some totally competent stuff. Although now I'm imagining Gotrek and Felix as bondage porn, and I need to go get the brain bleach.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:45 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


It's like a new version of Clue -- Professor Wankerton in the friendzone with the assfork!
posted by SweetTeaAndABiscuit at 8:04 PM on August 22, 2012 [28 favorites]


Previously.
posted by Slap*Happy at 8:07 PM on August 22, 2012


"The primary audience for Cleo/Cosmo sex tips is entirely virginal, and for those kinds of eager readers the tips are manna from the heaven inhabited by people who actually do it & know what they're talking about.
Fast forward a few months or years, and there will surely be somebody, somewhere, who in the midst of awkward first time sex will make things more awkward by ripping their partner's ears off by the lobes, or ramming a fork through their scrotum."

Without getting into details, I totally second this.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:42 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


Without getting into details, I totally second this.

Also without details, my first girlfriend would totally second this, sadly. Ouch.
posted by Forktine at 9:03 PM on August 22, 2012


Also these sex tips remind me of this wonderful (NSFW) Smack The Pony sketch.
posted by en forme de poire at 9:07 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


you guys, I just mysteriously landed a gig even though I completely blew the audition AND was sick, and maybe it's the surreal relief or the fact that I am whacked out on ginger tea with honey, but this thread is the best thing ever. EVER.
posted by KathrynT at 9:14 PM on August 22, 2012 [10 favorites]


I have a friend who worked for one of these magazines for a number of years, writing sex tips for women. He is a gay man, who to the best of my knowledge has never had sex with a woman, and who also has a hilariously disturbing sense of humor.

This made me imagine/wish for a David Rakoff narration of Cosmo sex tips. Sigh. RIP, David.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 9:22 PM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: actual assforkers

You're walking through the woods

There's no one around and your phone is dead.
posted by The Whelk at 9:23 PM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


Hey, the Black Library has put out some totally competent stuff. Although now I'm imagining Gotrek and Felix as bondage porn, and I need to go get the brain bleach.

hey i'm just a humble motherfucker with a big ass dick, but when on that tangent... Imagine Space Marine... Slashfiction.. "By the emperor's light, not there brother-primarch aurelian!" "this is for istvaan roboute, take it like the whimpering quim you are deep down inside that vapid stallion heart of yours"
posted by xcasex at 9:25 PM on August 22, 2012


... cover your nipples in yummy toppings and command him to lick them off.

Top those boobs with brown gravy and curd cheese for yummy poutine gazongas.


...drizzle candle wax (use a massage candle, which won’t burn) on his chest."

Or, just use a regular candle. Put it on thick. Wait till the wax totally hardens, then slowly pull. Guaranteed to have your lover moaning and screaming.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:56 PM on August 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


surely someone has linked to this already?
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:27 PM on August 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


incidentally, I was reminded of that because I just read the nerve article out loud to my boyfriend. no, it wasn't sexy reading, but holy hell, it was funny.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:41 AM on August 23, 2012


Wait, there's a whole nationality that does understand BDSM?

If my memory of vaguely offensive national stereotypes serves me correctly, that would be the Germans.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:14 AM on August 23


C'est le vice Anglais!
posted by Decani at 5:15 AM on August 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


Wait, there's a whole nationality that does understand BDSM?

This is why we need to establish the Ballgagged Democratic States of MayIHaveAnother.

National anthem: "You're the Top!"
National flag: Freak
National bird: Swallow
National flower: Stinging nettle
National fruit: Fig
National colors: Black and blue
National sport: Water
National costume: None
posted by argonauta at 5:51 AM on August 23, 2012 [6 favorites]


BUTT FORK!
posted by PuppyCat at 7:16 AM on August 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Yes indeed, PuppyCat. Now please resume your seat.
posted by BlueHorse at 7:39 AM on August 23, 2012


proprietary pole dancing

OMG STALLMAN WARNED US
posted by JHarris at 9:04 AM on August 23, 2012 [8 favorites]


you guys, I just mysteriously landed a gig even though I completely blew the audition AND was sick...

See, I told you the "sneeze on him mid-BJ" tip from last month's Cosmo would work.
posted by psoas at 10:19 AM on August 23, 2012


Night_owl: Cosmo is... Unbelievably dumb.
Having read its male counterpart porn mags all through my youth... no, it's very believably dumb.

"How to make her ejaculate!"
"Get her to agree to a threesome"
"I never thought something like this would happen to me, but..."
posted by IAmBroom at 11:06 AM on August 23, 2012


I think there is a market for a magazine which deals in genuinely realistic features and advice about real sexual situations and practices. I think I could write for it.

Actually, only the second of those sentences is true.
posted by Decani at 12:18 PM on August 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Also, holy fuck hitting someone with a wooden or plastic paddle while their skin is wet is going to hurt really bad. They're like 'wet skin makes it hurt more' like that is a good thing...disturbingly bad advice."

The surprise nature of it is problematic but otherwise seems like sound of advice if your partner is into that kind of thing.
posted by Mitheral at 10:35 AM on August 24, 2012


C'est le vice Anglais!

Yeah, but that doesn't mean they know what they're doing.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:50 PM on August 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


The surprise nature of it is problematic but otherwise seems like sound of advice if your partner is into that kind of thing.

Yeah, totally, but if they're not--or even if they're interested but not certain--I can't think of a worse introduction to spanking/paddling/pain.
posted by the young rope-rider at 2:34 PM on August 24, 2012




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