Comments on: Does Professor Wankerton have tenure?

Does Professor Wankerton have tenure?

fearfulsymmetry — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 10:40:14 -0800

17 Shades of Stupid: Cosmo's Worst BDSM Tips

By: jquinby

jquinby — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 10:46:00 -0800

"amazeballs"?

By: wolfdreams01

wolfdreams01 — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 10:46:28 -0800

"18. Tie him to the bed, then roll this copy of Cosmo up and smack him sharply on the nose with it repeatedly. Point to his penis and sternly say 'Bad boyfriend! No!' This will neatly encapsulate all of our previous sex tips, in case he hasn't yet got the message."

By: kinnakeet

kinnakeet — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 10:47:47 -0800

I did not expect that to be as hilarious as it was. Frozen coins? Really?

By: Forktine

Forktine — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 10:47:47 -0800

As Professor Wankerton, I endorse this message

By: Ad hominem

Ad hominem — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 10:48:25 -0800

Tie his silky tie loosely around his penis You know how much a tie costs? Notice they don't suggest using a Hermes scarf. Destroy your own clothes.

By: pointystick

pointystick — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 10:49:13 -0800

As Professor Wankerton, I endorse this message posted by Forktine at 10:47 AM on August 22 [+] [!] Do not press the Forktine hard enough to break the skin.

By: bondcliff

bondcliff — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 10:50:19 -0800

Amazeballs, because I want to think about the cast of W00tstock every time I have sex. Also, I was going to register Professor Wankerton as a sock puppet but I figure someone else had already beaten me to it.

By: Night_owl

Night_owl — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 10:51:48 -0800

Cosmo is... Unbelievably dumb.

By: Forktine

Forktine — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 10:53:37 -0800

Do not press the Forktine hard enough to break the skin. posted by pointystick That is like, meta-epynosterical!

By: ChurchHatesTucker

ChurchHatesTucker — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 10:56:38 -0800

"Lie limply on your back and order him to have gentle sex with you while staring into your eyes." Danerys? Amazeballs, because I want to think about the cast of W00tstock every time I have sex. Not a fan of Mr. Hardwick?

By: BrotherCaine

BrotherCaine — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 10:57:06 -0800

Oh Cosmo, so dependable, is there anything you can't get wrong?

By: Algebra

Algebra — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 10:58:00 -0800

SMBC Theater - Cosmotopian

By: bondcliff

bondcliff — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:00:37 -0800

Not a fan of Mr. Hardwick? Oh, I most certainly am, along with pretty much everyone involved in W00tstock. It's just that "Amazballs" makes me think of Wil Wheaton, and I don't want to be thinking of Wil Wheaton when I'm gently stroking my lover's perineum with a melon baller.

By: Bulgaroktonos

Bulgaroktonos — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:01:23 -0800

Frozen coins? Really? I've made this point before, but Cosmo only understands two sensations. Oddly enough for a magazine that publishes sex tips, pleasure isn't one of them. The two sensations are hot and cold. We're one issue that's running short away from an entire issue devoted to sticking penises in coffee.

By: BrotherCaine

BrotherCaine — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:04:16 -0800

Venti coffee, no cream please.

By: googly

googly — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:04:23 -0800

Cosmopolitan = Platonic Moos (& No Coital Mops). No surprise.

By: Ad hominem

Ad hominem — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:05:50 -0800

I would go with frozen ball bearings. Anything that is good enough for Hemingway to chill his whiskey with.

By: ChurchHatesTucker

ChurchHatesTucker — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:07:06 -0800

We're one issue that's running short away from an entire issue devoted to sticking penises in coffee. That's hot! Sorry. Sorry everybody.

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:07:24 -0800

chill his whiskey I have not heard this euphemism before so I will assume it is something really creepy.

By: Gator

Gator — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:07:30 -0800

Laughing out loud by #4, tears in my eyes by #14. A few extra ass-forks, indeed.

By: samofidelis

samofidelis — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:10:30 -0800

10. "Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible." No, dorks, you want to use something that melts because the latent heat of fusion is much larger than the total heat that will flow into the metal as its temperature raises without undergoing a phase change. This is the same dumbness that brought us whiskey stones. 'Keep your booze concentrated, don't use ice cubes that melt!' Eff that, I'm not listening to your opinions on liquor OR jamming cold things up your friendzone if you can't be bothered to learn basic thermodynamics.

By: FAMOUS MONSTER

FAMOUS MONSTER — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:13:01 -0800

Some of these are funny and some of them are kind of a reach. Ain't nothing wrong with making your dude shave your legs (if he doesn't do a shitty job of it). That said, if you want me to be turned on, do not invoke the mental image of a two-year-old who needs to pee. That's such a huge turnoff that it might be against the Geneva convention.

By: sotonohito

sotonohito — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:13:53 -0800

samofidelis, I think "friendzone" is now my new favorite euphemism for the female genitals.

By: MartinWisse

MartinWisse — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:14:20 -0800

It's just that "Amazballs" makes me think of Wil Wheaton, and I don't want to be thinking of Wil Wheaton when I'm gently stroking my lover's perineum with a melon baller. Gary Lineker.

By: BigHeartedGuy

BigHeartedGuy — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:15:02 -0800

This reminds me of Matthew Baldwin's brilliant follow up list to a Men's Health article on the 30 hottest things you can say to a naked woman: http://www.defectiveyeti.com/archives/001209.html

By: samofidelis

samofidelis — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:15:14 -0800

Ah, but boys can have a chilly pal, too, kemosabe.

By: Capt. Renault

Capt. Renault — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:15:54 -0800

"You know how much a tie costs? Notice they don't suggest using a Hermes scarf. Destroy your own clothes." >Use your bra to bind his hands behind his back... At least they're equal opportunity about stupidly ruining perfectly good, expensive clothing items.

By: brennen

brennen — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:16:22 -0800

I am literally incapable of reading these. It's like that sensation of watching some incredibly uncomfortable sitcom basically predicated on awkward human beings being awful to one another, like, say, the original version of The Office, minus the part where things are actually funny and not just all-around embarrassing.

By: Mental Wimp

Mental Wimp — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:16:54 -0800

As Professor Wankerton, I endorse this message posted by Forktine at 10:47 AM on August 22 [+] [!] No, I am Professor Wankerton!

By: yoink

yoink — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:17:57 -0800

you want to use something that melts because the latent heat of fusion is much larger than the total heat that will flow into the metal as its temperature raises without undergoing a phase change Boy, if I had a penny for every time I've heard that. I'd be SUCH a hit with the ladies. Once I'd bought a freezer.

By: Faint of Butt

Faint of Butt — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:20:48 -0800

No insult to Nerve, but Cracked.com did it better: 7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital

By: shakespeherian

shakespeherian — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:21:36 -0800

This one also works if you've ever fantasized about getting eaten out by a guy in STOMP. omigod how did they know

By: Artw

Artw — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:23:00 -0800

8. "Quiz him — what's your favorite flower, movie, etc. — and if he gets it right, he's earned ten seconds of oral. Wrong and you drizzle candle wax (use a massage candle, which won't burn) on his chest." "Make him whiteboard a binary search!"

By: jeffburdges

jeffburdges — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:23:08 -0800

These are pretty damn vanilla but I'd happily go along with them, although not if she's citing Cosmo.

By: jeffburdges

jeffburdges — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:26:36 -0800

Ahh, nice catch with #8 there, Artw. Ain't exactly kosher with modern sexual ethics.

By: en forme de poire

en forme de poire — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:26:43 -0800

My favorite tip (referred to here) is surprising your boyfriend by pressing a warm, smooth stone against his perineum during sex. Because really, who doesn't want a no-warning rock-in-the-taint?

By: ChurchHatesTucker

ChurchHatesTucker — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:28:27 -0800

Ain't nothing wrong with making your dude shave your legs Is this my razor!? Sonnuvabitch!

By: samofidelis

samofidelis — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:30:25 -0800

WHO WANT TO GET KISSY IT'S SMOOCHIN TIME

By: Kadin2048

Kadin2048 — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:35:51 -0800

This is the same dumbness that brought us whiskey stones. Hey now, there's nothing wrong with whiskey stones. The whole point is that they don't get the whiskey either watery nor too cold. It's not vodka, after all. I'm not sure what this has to do with Cosmo, except that whiskey is probably less dangerous to your sex life than that magazine.

By: shakespeherian

shakespeherian — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:35:55 -0800

Ain't nothing wrong with making your dude shave your legs My feelings about this is that you are likely to wind up with bleedy legs.

By: tommasz

tommasz — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:37:01 -0800

Cosmo is like Mad, but with boobs on the cover. I was going to say Cracked, but the jokes in Cosmo aren't quite as funny. What's that you say? Cosmo isn't joking? Oh, then nevermind.

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:39:24 -0800

My feelings about this is that you are likely to wind up with bleedy legs. I have done this with other lady people and it ended up as a bloodbath. (not for sexy reasons, for "my friend is 100 billion months pregnant and can't reach" reasons)

By: cog_nate

cog_nate — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:43:08 -0800

#15 is how Helen Gurley Brown died.

By: WalterMitty

WalterMitty — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:44:38 -0800

No, I am Professor Wankerton! We're all Professor Wankerton.

By: shakespeherian

shakespeherian — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:45:52 -0800

... a sexy bloodbath?

By: Ad hominem

Ad hominem — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:55:15 -0800

I've never seen someone shave their legs as carefully as I shave my face.I don't think anyone would get cut, I think would just take hours to do. I'm thinking after 45 minutes it would cease being sexy and I'd still be like "there's a whole missed spot over there, you can't walk around like that"

By: Sys Rq

Sys Rq — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:57:00 -0800

Ain't nothing wrong with making your dude shave your legs What if your dude is the Trinity Killer?

By: ricochet biscuit

ricochet biscuit — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:57:10 -0800

I enjoy the other -- whaddyacall them, taglines, maybe? -- on the cover promoting other stories within. (I gather that with Cosmo, as with The Onion, often once you have read the headline there is nothing but reiteration in the text itself.) Check the lower right corner: "When Your Vagina Acts Weird After Sex." I am not sure what "acts weird" means in this context, but somehow I think it is like Crispin Glover in some fashion.

By: srboisvert

srboisvert — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:58:06 -0800

What is up with all these BDSM people always telling you how to do it 'right'?

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:58:36 -0800

It grows a beard and pretends to be pursuing a new career as a rapper.

By: UbuRoivas

UbuRoivas — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 11:59:50 -0800

Tie his silky tie loosely around his penis, then roll it up and down for a silky handjob. I have no idea what they're even suggesting here. "Up and down" is meaningless when you don't know what position the guy is in, and can't understand at all what the rolling is about.

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:04:00 -0800

Instead you should tie the tie regularly and draw a face on his dick with a sharpie and take a photo and post it to your twitter.

By: Tknophobia

Tknophobia — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:04:33 -0800

Because really, who doesn't want a no-warning rock-in-the-taint? No-warning Rock-in-the-taint is the name of my Soft Cell cover band.

By: Forktine

Forktine — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:05:27 -0800

samofidelis, I think "friendzone" is now my new favorite euphemism for the female genitals. That brings new meaning to all the questions in AskMe about being stuck in the friendzone. Ain't nothing wrong with making your dude shave your legs I've shaved many legs, none of them my own. Knees and ankles are tricky, but otherwise it's easy peasy... but also not hugely erotic other than just touching a naked person.

By: restless_nomad

restless_nomad — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:07:20 -0800

I have done this with other lady people and it ended up as a bloodbath. Man, that's what I get for hastily skimming the thread.

By: the young rope-rider

the young rope-rider — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:10:00 -0800

What is up with all these BDSM people always telling you how to do it 'right'? Some of us are bossy. Big surprise there.

By: RogerB

RogerB — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:10:03 -0800

No, I am Professor Wankerton! We're all Professor Wankerton. The last time I saw Spartacus I don't remember it having such a happy ending! (Or perhaps I mean so many happy endings.)

By: the young rope-rider

the young rope-rider — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:11:11 -0800

Also, holy fuck hitting someone with a wooden or plastic paddle while their skin is wet is going to hurt really bad. They're like "wet skin makes it hurt more" like that is a good thing...disturbingly bad advice.

By: argonauta

argonauta — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:13:21 -0800

As you're riding him, clamp down on his earlobes with your fingers, and pull on them to rock yourself forward and backward." Thank goodness they specified "with your fingers." Otherwise I would have been VERY confused.

By: bondcliff

bondcliff — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:15:44 -0800

What is up with all these BDSM people always telling you how to do it 'right'? I'm not even a BDSM person and even I know how wrong these are.

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:17:27 -0800

By: the young rope-rider

the young rope-rider — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:17:43 -0800

As you're riding him, clamp down on his earlobes with your fingers, and pull on them to rock yourself forward and backward. this was written by an 8th grader who has never seen anyone naked not even themselves

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:17:53 -0800

HIRE ME COSMO I AM SO GOOD AT THIS

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:18:50 -0800

As he's about to go down on you, punch him in the stomach and steal his lunch money. Later, tell everyone that he wets his pants and still sleeps with a special blankie.

By: fearfulsymmetry

fearfulsymmetry — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:20:00 -0800

My new band name is Professor Wankerton And The Frozen Loose Change.

By: Mizu

Mizu — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:20:24 -0800

I am convinced that at least half of these are ducks. As in, the writers "put a duck in", a deliberate error, in order to make the editors feel useful when they ask for its removal. But instead of it working the way it's supposed to, they just waved the whole thing on through. It is, for some of them, the only thing I will allow myself to believe.

By: the young rope-rider

the young rope-rider — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:20:25 -0800

By: benito.strauss

benito.strauss — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:21:21 -0800

"Make him whiteboard a binary search!" "Yeah baby, you're probably used to O(n log n) lovin', but get ready, 'cause I'm an O(n²) kind of man."

By: Tell Me No Lies

Tell Me No Lies — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:21:53 -0800

4. "Press a fork (firmly, but don't break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs." This was clearly written at lunchtime, after a morning spent rummaging around the office for kinkspiration. Rejected options: "Hold a blueberry muffin in your fist and punch him in the mouth." "Pretend to be a naughty piece of printer paper and tell him to 'staple' you." "Act like a PDF and order him to 'fax me hard.' Make all relevant noises." That's brilliant.

By: ominous_paws

ominous_paws — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:22:26 -0800

then eat a bunch of ice cream and throw up on him Dinner?

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:22:26 -0800

then eat a bunch of ice cream and throw up on him then try it again with hot coffee! SO HOTTT.

By: rhiannonstone

rhiannonstone — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:23:54 -0800

BDSM is like soccer and socialized medicine; fascinating, but hard for a lot of Americans to understand. On first glance: Hee! That is very funny! On second glance: Wait, there's a whole nationality that does understand BDSM? Like maybe Brazilians have the masochism thing down because of all the waxing? Or the Brits because of the canings? I just don't even.

By: pupdog

pupdog — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:23:56 -0800

As you're riding him, grab onto his hands and make him slap his own face. Taunt him repeatedly with "Why're you hitting yourself, huh? Why're you hitting yourself, loser?" until he breaks down and weeps inconsolably. then eat a bunch of ice cream and throw up on him posted by the young rope-rider at 2:20 PM on August 22 [+] [!] Whoa - Did we live together for a few years last decade?

By: benito.strauss

benito.strauss — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:25:22 -0800

Nobody has better sex tips than Bjork.

By: queensissy

queensissy — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:28:18 -0800

I agree, Tell Me No Lies. Especially "Hold a blueberry muffin in your fist and punch him in the mouth."

By: the young rope-rider

the young rope-rider — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:29:11 -0800

Whoa - Did we live together for a few years last decade? No, I would never do that (I am lactose intolerant)

By: swizzle_stik

swizzle_stik — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:41:04 -0800

The wife and I have conversations concerning this 50 Shades nonsense. She's dubbed it "mommy porn". I honestly think they could just reissue the same issue of Cosmo every month and no one would notice. (actually, they may already do this. I should check)

By: Karmakaze

Karmakaze — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:42:55 -0800

Mental Wimp: "No, I am Professor Wankerton!" So... what are your office hours?

By: six-or-six-thirty

six-or-six-thirty — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:45:14 -0800

There is (of course) a tumblr dedicated to made-up cosmo sex tips. This one is my favorite.

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:50:48 -0800

oh my god PULL THE LEVER KRONK

By: sexyrobot

sexyrobot — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:52:08 -0800

as my BF says: "The safe word is 'blue'. When you turn blue, I'll stop."

By: nickmark

nickmark — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 12:55:07 -0800

BDSM is like soccer and socialized medicine No wonder I like it so much!

By: shakespeherian

shakespeherian — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 13:05:06 -0800

PULL THE LEVER KRONK twss

By: Acheman

Acheman — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 13:11:54 -0800

I HOPE YOU HAVE PET INSURANCE

By: munchingzombie

munchingzombie — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 13:12:32 -0800

This is a pretty good list of novelties to think about doing when you have no actual kinky interests but are titillated by 50 Shades. For the actually kinky or people who would actually try this it is moot. Kinky people do things because they have desires others don't have. They know it. They have been thinking and masturbating over it for years. Anything new in this list for them would either not be for them or fit into their larger vocabulary of filth. Sure, it might not turn you on, but that is the nature of kink: either you get off on it or you think it is weird. But, for the 50 Shades set this is great. Frozen coins or cling wrap, oh exciting! I will be sure to think I am being naughty when I am not. Like a soccer mom who goes to a pole-dancing fitness class trying on the cloths of kink.

By: the young rope-rider

the young rope-rider — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 13:16:57 -0800

This is a pretty good list of novelties to think about doing when you have no actual kinky interests but are titillated by 50 Shades. I have kinky interests and if someone hit me with a hairbrush or gave me a pedicure or whatever, I'd be thrilled. The reason this is an objectively bad list is because some of it is actually assault.

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 13:25:21 -0800

And the rest of it is mind-bogglingly stupid.

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 13:25:59 -0800

Oh sorry if my comments are marginalizing any actual assforkers in the thread, my bad.

By: Halloween Jack

Halloween Jack — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 13:34:10 -0800

Anything that is good enough for Hemingway to chill his whiskey with. I really don't want to know what "chill his whiskey" might be a euphemism for.

By: elizardbits

elizardbits — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 13:36:57 -0800

Metafilter: actual assforkers

By: Gordion Knott

Gordion Knott — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 13:45:39 -0800

It goes like this: Editor asks underpaid writer to assemble a "best 10 list" under a tight deadline; writer performs task as asked while checking emails and updating Facebook. Writer submits to editor, who does a routine check for overlaps with previous lists and places in the publishing pipeline. Weeks later, reader browses mag while waiting in checkout line, registering each item in list for a nanosecond and moving on. Nobody is captivated, intrigued, interested, or turned on by this content, from the initial stages of publishing to the terminus at the reader. Nobody clips out the information, copies it, files it, or remembers it for future use in bed. Nobody. It's garbage in, garbage out all the way. Like local news broadcasts, it's a timefiller, an opportunity to entertain a few brain synapses and move on.

By: homunculus

homunculus — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 14:00:50 -0800

I am convinced that at least half of these are ducks. Cosmo should do a piece on tips for duckfuckers.

By: TheWhiteSkull

TheWhiteSkull — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 14:10:54 -0800

Students are once again reminded that Professor Wankerton's office hours this semester are 3-6 on Tuesdays and 1-4 on Fridays, or by appointment, two weeks in advance. Any inquiries made outside of office hours, questions regarding the syllabus, or add/drop requests are to be directed to Assistant Professor McSpanksalot; or to your TAs, Mr. Ballgag and Ms. Pfister.

By: kamikazegopher

kamikazegopher — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 14:49:45 -0800

Seductively suck on your index fingers, then gently insert the tips into his ears. It will drive him WILD!

By: IndigoRain

IndigoRain — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 14:49:47 -0800

elizardbits: " PULL THE LEVER KRONK" omg, I nearly died laughing

By: Tell Me No Lies

Tell Me No Lies — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 14:53:55 -0800

then eat a bunch of ice cream and throw up on him
Whoa - Did we live together for a few years last decade?
No, I would never do that [...] (I am lactose intolerant) Well duh, that's why you'd be throwing up.

By: UbuRoivas

UbuRoivas — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 14:56:00 -0800

Nobody clips out the information, copies it, files it, or remembers it for future use in bed. Nobody. Nobody who is (or has ever been) sexually active, you mean. The primary audience for Cleo/Cosmo sex tips is entirely virginal, and for those kinds of eager readers the tips are manna from the heaven inhabited by people who actually do it & know what they're talking about. Fast forward a few months or years, and there will surely be somebody, somewhere, who in the midst of awkward first time sex will make things more awkward by ripping their partner's ears off by the lobes, or ramming a fork through their scrotum.

By: Artw

Artw — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 14:56:20 -0800

The marker squeaked across the blackboard as sweat dripped from his furRowed brow. There must be a more efficient way to sort these list!, he thought, if only he could concentrate! "Tell me..." she purred, "have you ever heard of Big O Notation?" He shuddered.

By: jquinby

jquinby — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 15:01:17 -0800

He shuddered. Then he glanced at his hand and his bowels turned to ice water. It was a Sharpie.

By: Decani

Decani — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 15:01:40 -0800

That fork thing gets scary if she gets the mustard out too. Fifty shades of Grey Poupon. Not good.

By: skrozidile

skrozidile — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 15:10:33 -0800

I used to tell boys about the cosmo suggestions in order to see their reactions. WUT NO NEVER DO THAT THAT IS NOT FUNNY DONT Is my favorite in the list? The whole grasp the man's friendzone firmly and press down hard enough to stimulate the prostate thing?

By: Artw

Artw — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 15:18:18 -0800

"Scrub! Scrub harder!" she demanded, thrashing at his buttocks while he fruitlessly worked the dry-erase. "Noooooo!" he whined, "it's PERMENANT". "Permenant like your inablitity to grasp simple Comp-Sci concepts? Then there must be... REPARATIONS!"

By: Artw

Artw — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 15:19:34 -0800

(the title of this work is "Blue Badge my Balls!")

By: Decani

Decani — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 15:20:40 -0800

WUT NO NEVER DO THAT THAT IS NOT FUNNY DONT And I was instantly reminded of this old chestnut.

By: Decimask

Decimask — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 15:45:01 -0800

Metafilter: A blueberry-muffin-punch in the mouth.

By: benito.strauss

benito.strauss — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 15:58:45 -0800

Metafilter: A blueberry-muffin-punch in the mouth. So that's the story behind the MeFi background color?

By: Mr. Bad Example

Mr. Bad Example — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 16:15:47 -0800

Ahem. I am Professor Wankerton, and I'm here to flog my book and also to sell the thing I wrote WAHEY.

By: Mental Wimp

Mental Wimp — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 16:33:10 -0800

(the title of this work is "Blue Badge my Balls!") Not "Ow, My Balls!"?

By: Spatch

Spatch — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 16:36:21 -0800

I cringe every time Cosmo uses the phrase "for a".

By: Melee Loaf

Melee Loaf — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 16:56:19 -0800

For a really good time around the holidays, chloroform your boyfriend/husband, and then: 1. Cut a hole in a box 2. Cover the box in wrapping paper 3. Fix the box around his friendzone When he comes to, tell him that you'll be waiting until Christmas to open your gift. That will really make him happy.

By: Artw

Artw — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 16:57:50 -0800

"A room has three lightbulbs. An adjoining room has three lightswitches. It is not possible to see into the room with the lights from the room with the switches. How would you determine which light controls which bulb?" "I try each in turn and check?" "VERMIN! You are not permitted to check the lightbulbs more than one time!" "I... I..." "Perhaps we should find out together what a lightbulb does other than emit light."

By: 1f2frfbf

1f2frfbf — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 16:59:23 -0800

As a Professor (Emeritus) of Wanketology I'll have you know my PhD dissertation on Ice Cubes v/s Frozen Butter Sticks and Corresponding Implied Angle of Dangle (in Sub-Orbital Gravity) was very well received, and I've been offered chairs in both Sexography and Skankalitics.

By: ersatz

ersatz — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 17:08:27 -0800

"Tell me..." she purred, "have you ever heard of Big O Notation?" I read once The Story of Big O Notation. All these whole notes were a bit boring.

By: gingerbeer

gingerbeer — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 17:08:40 -0800

I have a friend who worked for one of these magazines for a number of years, writing sex tips for women. He is a gay man, who to the best of my knowledge has never had sex with a woman, and who also has a hilariously disturbing sense of humor. All of which is to say, I think their standards have gone waaay down hill since he worked there.

By: misha

misha — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 17:30:05 -0800

ArtW: I use the landline in the basement, dial the electrician up on the phone, and ask him which switch works which bulb. If he is still not forthcoming, it's a blueberry-muffin-punch in the mouse for the person who locked me in the basement.

By: misha

misha — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 17:31:32 -0800

Mouth, mouth, mouth! I meant blueberry muffin punch in the mouth! The mouse punch is for NEXT month's Cosmos sex tips.

By: Artw

Artw — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 17:32:37 -0800

MISTRESS DOES NOT PERMIT OUTSIDE INTERFERANCE! /pelts Misha with hot and cold lightbulbs.

By: jonp72

jonp72 — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 17:37:26 -0800

"When Your Vagina Acts Weird After Sex." I am not sure what "acts weird" means in this context, but somehow I think it is like Crispin Glover in some fashion. Does that mean the vagina tried to karate kick David Letterman?

By: Secret Life of Gravy

Secret Life of Gravy — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 17:39:22 -0800

16. "Let him run an electric toothbrush between your toes mid-foreplay. He shouldn't stop no matter how much you squirm." 17. Get out the waterpik and squirt him up the nose, 18. Get out his electric razor and shave your initials into his back. 19. Get out your electric shoe polisher and buff his forehead. 20. Get out the electric hand vacuum and suck out his belly button lint. 21. Get out ~~the electric carving knife~~ of town.

By: 5_13_23_42_69_666

5_13_23_42_69_666 — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 18:32:52 -0800

Why do we even have that lever?

By: sheprime

sheprime — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 18:53:14 -0800

For anyone who can't get enough Cosmo insanity: Pervocracy. Now with bonus pictures of toilet paper bondage!

By: Catch

Catch — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 19:05:46 -0800

I haven't read Fifty Shades of Grey yet, but an awareness of "popular book out there" has slowly been percolating into my consciousness. And I thought I had some kind of idea of what it was about. This article is very confusing.

By: ltracey

ltracey — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 19:08:50 -0800

Oh you guys. I had a very weird day, but your sex tips made me laugh very very hard. Thank you, seriously.

By: xcasex

xcasex — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 19:13:47 -0800

calling "Fifty shades of grey" BDSM is like Calling Clive Cusslers books "a correct depiction of history" first of all, its shit. second, twilight fanfic. third, i've read better novel manuscripts on their second edit. fourth, the storytelling in it makes my eyes cringe & I like Black Library stories (yeah, it's *that* bad) It remains a deep mystery to me as to how that shit got published. and you know its gone too far when its a fething feature in cosmo. jesus h christ what's next, my neighbour asking me if they can borrow our sybian..

By: Tell Me No Lies

Tell Me No Lies — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 19:14:18 -0800

Wait, there's a whole nationality that does understand BDSM? If my memory of vaguely offensive national stereotypes serves me correctly, that would be the Germans.

By: zippy

zippy — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 19:29:58 -0800

I figure someone else had already beaten me to it. posted by bondcliff That's tip #21

By: howfar

howfar — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 19:35:37 -0800

my neighbour asking me if they can borrow our sybian.. At least when the ride-on they wanted to borrow was your mower the only box you had to hope the neighbours cleaned was the one for the grass cuttings.

By: Miko

Miko — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 19:36:14 -0800

I needed a serious belly laugh. Thanks. It was this article, it was this article, and mostly it was your comments.

By: Val_E_Yum

Val_E_Yum — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 19:41:39 -0800

Like a soccer mom who goes to a pole-dancing fitness class trying on the cloths of kink. ... taught by my single Mom sister who thinks that sex-positive gurus who point out how bad the Grey series is are only doing it for publicity. Seriously. My sister's convinced that her destiny is to promote female empowerment and fitness through proprietary pole dancing. Makes me glad my nephew's not a girl.

By: restless_nomad

restless_nomad — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 19:45:26 -0800

the storytelling in it makes my eyes cringe & I like Black Library stories (yeah, it's *that* bad) Hey, the Black Library has put out some totally competent stuff. Although now I'm imagining Gotrek and Felix as bondage porn, and I need to go get the brain bleach.

By: SweetTeaAndABiscuit

SweetTeaAndABiscuit — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 20:04:31 -0800

It's like a new version of Clue -- Professor Wankerton in the friendzone with the assfork!

By: Slap*Happy

Slap*Happy — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 20:07:35 -0800

Previously.

By: jenfullmoon

jenfullmoon — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 20:42:09 -0800

"The primary audience for Cleo/Cosmo sex tips is entirely virginal, and for those kinds of eager readers the tips are manna from the heaven inhabited by people who actually do it & know what they're talking about. Fast forward a few months or years, and there will surely be somebody, somewhere, who in the midst of awkward first time sex will make things more awkward by ripping their partner's ears off by the lobes, or ramming a fork through their scrotum." Without getting into details, I totally second this.

By: Forktine

Forktine — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 21:03:35 -0800

Without getting into details, I totally second this. Also without details, my first girlfriend would totally second this, sadly. Ouch.

By: en forme de poire

en forme de poire — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 21:07:59 -0800

Also these sex tips remind me of this wonderful (NSFW) Smack The Pony sketch.

By: KathrynT

KathrynT — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 21:14:46 -0800

you guys, I just mysteriously landed a gig even though I completely blew the audition AND was sick, and maybe it's the surreal relief or the fact that I am whacked out on ginger tea with honey, but this thread is the best thing ever. EVER.

By: hapax_legomenon

hapax_legomenon — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 21:22:05 -0800

I have a friend who worked for one of these magazines for a number of years, writing sex tips for women. He is a gay man, who to the best of my knowledge has never had sex with a woman, and who also has a hilariously disturbing sense of humor. This made me imagine/wish for a David Rakoff narration of Cosmo sex tips. Sigh. RIP, David.

By: The Whelk

The Whelk — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 21:23:21 -0800

Metafilter: actual assforkers You're walking through the woods There's no one around and your phone is dead.

By: xcasex

xcasex — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 21:25:33 -0800

Hey, the Black Library has put out some totally competent stuff. Although now I'm imagining Gotrek and Felix as bondage porn, and I need to go get the brain bleach. hey i'm just a humble motherfucker with a big ass dick, but when on that tangent... Imagine Space Marine... Slashfiction.. "By the emperor's light, not there brother-primarch aurelian!" "this is for istvaan roboute, take it like the whimpering quim you are deep down inside that vapid stallion heart of yours"

By: BlueHorse

BlueHorse — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 22:56:00 -0800

... cover your nipples in yummy toppings and command him to lick them off. Top those boobs with brown gravy and curd cheese for yummy poutine gazongas. ...drizzle candle wax (use a massage candle, which won't burn) on his chest." Or, just use a regular candle. Put it on thick. Wait till the wax totally hardens, then slowly pull. Guaranteed to have your lover moaning and screaming.

By: 5_13_23_42_69_666

5_13_23_42_69_666 — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 23:27:54 -0800

surely someone has linked to this already?

By: 5_13_23_42_69_666

5_13_23_42_69_666 — Thu, 23 Aug 2012 01:41:50 -0800

incidentally, I was reminded of that because I just read the nerve article out loud to my boyfriend. no, it wasn't sexy reading, but holy hell, it was funny.

By: Decani

Decani — Thu, 23 Aug 2012 05:15:49 -0800

Wait, there's a whole nationality that does understand BDSM? If my memory of vaguely offensive national stereotypes serves me correctly, that would be the Germans. posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:14 AM on August 23 C'est le vice Anglais!

By: argonauta

argonauta — Thu, 23 Aug 2012 05:51:40 -0800

Wait, there's a whole nationality that does understand BDSM? This is why we need to establish the Ballgagged Democratic States of MayIHaveAnother. National anthem: "You're the Top!" National flag: Freak National bird: Swallow National flower: Stinging nettle National fruit: Fig National colors: Black and blue National sport: Water National costume: None

By: PuppyCat

PuppyCat — Thu, 23 Aug 2012 07:16:29 -0800

BUTT FORK!

By: BlueHorse

BlueHorse — Thu, 23 Aug 2012 07:39:18 -0800

Yes indeed, PuppyCat. Now please resume your seat.

By: JHarris

JHarris — Thu, 23 Aug 2012 09:04:02 -0800

proprietary pole dancing OMG STALLMAN WARNED US

By: psoas

psoas — Thu, 23 Aug 2012 10:19:42 -0800

you guys, I just mysteriously landed a gig even though I completely blew the audition AND was sick... See, I told you the "sneeze on him mid-BJ" tip from last month's Cosmo would work.

By: IAmBroom

IAmBroom — Thu, 23 Aug 2012 11:06:28 -0800

Night_owl: Cosmo is... Unbelievably dumb.

Having read its male counterpart porn mags all through my youth... no, it's very believably dumb. "How to make her ejaculate!" "Get her to agree to a threesome" "I never thought something like this would happen to me, but..."

By: Decani

Decani — Thu, 23 Aug 2012 12:18:21 -0800

I think there is a market for a magazine which deals in genuinely realistic features and advice about real sexual situations and practices. I think I could write for it. Actually, only the second of those sentences is true.

By: Mitheral

Mitheral — Fri, 24 Aug 2012 10:35:31 -0800

Also, holy fuck hitting someone with a wooden or plastic paddle while their skin is wet is going to hurt really bad. They're like 'wet skin makes it hurt more' like that is a good thing...disturbingly bad advice." The surprise nature of it is problematic but otherwise seems like sound of advice if your partner is into that kind of thing.

By: Tell Me No Lies

Tell Me No Lies — Fri, 24 Aug 2012 13:50:34 -0800

C'est le vice Anglais! Yeah, but that doesn't mean they know what they're doing.

By: the young rope-rider

the young rope-rider — Fri, 24 Aug 2012 14:34:30 -0800

The surprise nature of it is problematic but otherwise seems like sound of advice if your partner is into that kind of thing. Yeah, totally, but if they're not--or even if they're interested but not certain--I can't think of a worse introduction to spanking/paddling/pain.

By: homunculus

homunculus — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 12:13:06 -0800

Morgan Freeman narrates 50 Shades (NSFW)