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The Westeros Football League
August 28, 2012 9:39 AM   Subscribe

Winter is coming. Are you ready for some football? In Westeros, they put the "fantasy" in fantasy football.

The Westeros Football League. Where everyone's afraid to tell Cersei Lannister that she's a bit past her prime to still be head cheerleader.
posted by fuse theorem (53 comments total) 11 users marked this as a favorite

 
The Targaryens would just slaughter the opposing teams preemptively, though.
posted by elizardbits at 9:41 AM on August 28, 2012 [2 favorites]




Don't draft Jaime Lannister. He has too many troubles with fumbles.
posted by yeti at 9:52 AM on August 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


Eddard Stark is a first-round bust.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:55 AM on August 28, 2012 [9 favorites]


Spoiler: isn't there a character based on a football player in the latest novel?
posted by infinitewindow at 9:55 AM on August 28, 2012


This whole site amused me, but I just really liked the little "appreciate this" button at the bottom.
posted by chatongriffes at 9:56 AM on August 28, 2012


Don't draft Jaime Lannister. He has too many troubles with fumbles.

And incestions.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:56 AM on August 28, 2012 [3 favorites]


Yes, little-known fact, Sansa Stark is actually based on LT.
posted by elizardbits at 9:56 AM on August 28, 2012 [9 favorites]


I'll tell you one thing, the Freys would just get eaten up in this league.
posted by mcstayinskool at 9:59 AM on August 28, 2012 [6 favorites]


Also, needs a Flayed Man jersey.
posted by mcstayinskool at 10:01 AM on August 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


Spoiler: isn't there a character based on a football player in the latest novel?

Sort of. Ser Patrek of the Queen's Men is based on a Cowboys fan GRRM lost a bet to. He's killed by the giant Wun Wun, which is an allusion to Phil Simms of the NY Giants, uniform number 11 (one one.)

There's another character named after a couple of Ravens, and at least one reference to the Pats losing to the Giants.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 10:06 AM on August 28, 2012 [5 favorites]


They've been redshirting Young Griff for too long. When he hits the field it's gonna shake things up in the league.
posted by painquale at 10:08 AM on August 28, 2012


HODOR
posted by Madamina at 10:16 AM on August 28, 2012 [8 favorites]


The fate of the Northern Football League rests on his shoulders.
posted by zombieflanders at 10:18 AM on August 28, 2012


What no Night Watch or Flayed Man? What about the Dothraki and the Unsullied?
posted by Roger_Mexico at 10:19 AM on August 28, 2012


They've been redshirting Young Griff for too long.

Young Griff will always be redshirted.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 10:20 AM on August 28, 2012 [3 favorites]


I don't think I've ever noticed the ambiguity in 'redshirt' before. That's great.
posted by painquale at 10:24 AM on August 28, 2012


I don't know that the Dothraki would be able to play in the league, seeing as they have this thing about crossing water, though.

Now, the Unsullied are another story. I'd bet some good money on them having a stellar defensive line, for one thing. Built like refrigerators, all of them.
posted by misha at 10:29 AM on August 28, 2012


Troy Polamalu is totally a Dothraki. Speedy, strong and doesn't cut his hair.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:38 AM on August 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


The Lannister Lions would be a better team if Tyrion was their head coach.
posted by Ber at 10:47 AM on August 28, 2012 [3 favorites]


The Tyrells have the worst logo but the best mascot. Go Butterbumps!
posted by painquale at 11:10 AM on August 28, 2012


"...third and fifteen, ten seconds left on the clock...and the Braavos Titans line up for the snap...wait...there appears to be a flag on the play...looks like it's against the defense...yes, the ref is walking up to the Pentoshi line...I think the call will be movement before the snap...it looks like the ref is talking to the point guard...he seems to be apologizing...AND THE POINT GUARD IS DOWN! IT'S NOT ACTUALLY THE REF! IT'S A FACELESS MAN PLAY! NOW ONE OF THE PENTOSHI LINEBACKERS IS DOWN AS WELL! I'M NOT SURE WHICH ONE! THERE IS TOTAL PANDEMONIUM ON THE FIELD! AND THE TITANS HAVE SIMPLY WALKED THE BALL INTO THE REDS' END ZONE! TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE DISORDER, THEY HAVE WALKED THE BALL IN FOR A TOUCHDOWN! THE REDS' COACH IS SIGNALLING DESPERATELY FOR A TIME OUT, BUT IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE DOING ANY GOOD! THE REFS ARE INDICATING THAT THE TOUCHDOWN WILL STAND! IT LOOKS LIKE THE TITANS WILL TAKE THE KICK AND RUN DOWN THE CLOCK AFTER A FLAWLESSLY EXECUTED FACELESS MAN! THE TITANS WIN! THE TITANS WIN!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:12 AM on August 28, 2012 [8 favorites]


The Lannister Lions would be a better team if Tyrion was their head coach.

Pfft, the man would be horrible at calling plays, he can't see the nose in front of his face.
posted by zombieflanders at 11:13 AM on August 28, 2012 [3 favorites]


Westeros Football would be possibly the greatest video game ever.
posted by TheRedArmy at 11:15 AM on August 28, 2012


it looks like the ref is talking to the point guard...he seems to be apologizing...AND THE POINT GUARD IS DOWN! IT'S NOT ACTUALLY THE REF! IT'S A FACELESS MAN PLAY!

Obviously a Sorrowful Man play.

Worst. Announcer. Ever.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:17 AM on August 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


Dammit, and I was trying so hard to not fuck up the football part of that comment.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:22 AM on August 28, 2012 [3 favorites]


I totally want the Stark Tshirt. Since there don't appear to be any doublets, surcoats, armor or banners for sale . . .
posted by bearwife at 11:26 AM on August 28, 2012


Kinda wish the format was Hometown, Sigil though. Winterfell Direwolves, Lannister Lions, etc.
posted by TheRedArmy at 11:31 AM on August 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


That would be Casterly Rock Lions, no?
posted by elizardbits at 11:33 AM on August 28, 2012


Westeros Football would be possibly the greatest video game ever.

I'm still waiting on this game: 1, 2.
posted by painquale at 11:42 AM on August 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


Did you see that ludicrous display last night? The thing about Lannisters is, they always try to walk it in.
posted by grubi at 12:19 PM on August 28, 2012 [6 favorites]


A Lannister always plays the blitz.
posted by zombieflanders at 12:32 PM on August 28, 2012


...and what was Joffrey thinking bringing on Garlan so late?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:42 PM on August 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


Definitely needs a Boltons of the Dreadfort team. The idea of Roose Bolton as a coach is terrifying.

at least one reference to the Pats losing to the Giants.

I saw GRRM speak last month, and he expanded on this. Apparently in the most recent book (mild spoilers, I guess), Tyrion is reading a book about Belicho, an warrior who won many, many battles until being abruptly eaten by a Giant at the end. Clearly a dig at Bill Belichick.
posted by lunasol at 12:54 PM on August 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


pianquale: Man, there's no way that fighting game would not be a gigantic goldmine. I would buy a game system just for that, the same way I saved up for a Super Nintendo solely for Street Fighter II.
posted by TheRedArmy at 1:16 PM on August 28, 2012


Tyrion is reading a book about Belicho, an warrior who won many, many battles until being abruptly eaten by a Giant at the end.

That's it. He was a patriot of one of the Essos cities. The fact that he would encounter a giant seemed to be a non sequitur.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 1:17 PM on August 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


Starks = your favorite team. Was doing well, then got undone by a really bad ruling on the field.

Lannisters = Patriots. Arrogant team headed by a handsome smug blond man who was recently horribly injured. Also he was sleeping with people he wasn't supposed to. Had much success a while ago, but some recent setbacks.

Night's Watch = Raiders. They wear black, and are staffed by convicts.

Boltons = your most hated team (default: Giants). Because they are loathsome.

Freys = Jets. Widely reviled; run by a leader who likes to run his mouth.

Baratheons (Stannis et al). = 2011 Broncos. Mystical, pious newcomer with supernatural talents leads some scary upsets. Can anyone stop them?

Targaryens = Steelers. Blood of the dragon the throne belongs to us as it did long ago grar grar grarrrr
posted by kurumi at 1:46 PM on August 28, 2012 [3 favorites]


The Raiders are definitely the Frey's.
posted by Drumhellz at 1:48 PM on August 28, 2012


Boltons = The Cowboys
posted by grubi at 1:58 PM on August 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


Definitely needs a Boltons of the Dreadfort team. The idea of Roose Bolton as a coach is terrifying.

And their cheerleaders? Horribly depressing, yet weirdly motivating.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 2:25 PM on August 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


The Lannister Lions would be a better team if Tyrion was their head coach.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I don't think a coach is worth that high of a gridiron price.
posted by pokermonk at 3:47 PM on August 28, 2012


Definitely needs a Boltons of the Dreadfort team. The idea of Roose Bolton as a coach is terrifying.

He's only done the nine Great Houses, implying a level of nerdiness which I find respectable.
posted by Soulfather at 3:59 PM on August 28, 2012


After the last book, I think House Manderly of White Harbour should have a team. Strong ground game that eats up the pieclock.
posted by never used baby shoes at 4:18 PM on August 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


The kids (my son and his girlfriend, actually) were playing Monopoly and Stratego last weekend, and we started brainstorming for Game of Thrones versions.

Obviously, Varys and Littlefinger would be the spies for Statego.

We decided that you'd have to have the pieces for the Monopoly GoT be the house mascots; otherwise, everyone would want to play as Tyrion. Using the mascots, you'd get a bear, lion, dire wolf, giant squid, etc., so it seemed much more equitable. Though I think you might still have to keep the dragon out, because who wouldn't want the dragon?

Boardwalk and Park Place would be Casterly Rock and King's Landing.

You wouldn't "go to jail", but get banished to the Wall.

You don't buy houses and hotels, but get armies and generals to fight for you.

You make alliances with other houses to form the "monopolies".

The community chest and chance cards would be things like, "Cersei raises taxes to pay for Joffrey's upcoming nuptials. Pay 15% to the general coffers," or, "A Lannister guard recognize you as Arya Stark and you have to flee. Go to the Wall (do not pass go...)"

Anyway, it's really fun once you get into it.

I'm doing that Nerdy Chick thing again, aren't I?
posted by misha at 6:58 PM on August 28, 2012


You wouldn't "go to jail", but get banished to the Wall.

Go directly to the Wall. Do not collect $200. Do not come back unless you're metaphysically reborn by R'hllor.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 7:31 PM on August 28, 2012 [3 favorites]


Somehow, I think of Stannis Baratheon as a basketball coach, one of those Type A guys on the sidelines that chews nails and throws chairs at every ref call.

The Westeros Little League frankly scares the hell out of me.
posted by SPrintF at 7:52 PM on August 28, 2012


My lineup: Ser Gregor. Dunsen, Polliver, Raff the Sweetling. The Tickler and The Hound. Ser Amory, Ser Ilyn, Ser Meryn, King Joffrey, Queen Cersei.
posted by brain_drain at 8:00 PM on August 28, 2012


Boardwalk and Park Place would be Casterly Rock and King's Landing.

King's Landing and Dragonstone, I think. Each color group of properties should represent one of the main administrative regions, with dark blue being the Crownlands. There are nine regions, so you'd have to kick one out. Probably the Iron Islands. (You could also do the seven old kingdoms and Essos, but then you lose the Crownlands as a territory, and they work well as the dark blue properties.)

Let's see.
The purple properties are the Vale: The Eyrie and Gulltown.
The light blue properties are the North: Winterfell, White Harbor, and Dreadfort.
The indigo properties are the Riverlands: Riverrun, the Twins, and Harrenhal.
The orange properties are Dorne: Sunspear, Starfall, and The Water Gardens.
The red properties are the Westerlands: Casterly Rock, Lannisport, and the Golden Tooth.
The yellow properties are the Stormlands: Storm's End, Summerhall, and, uh, Tarth.
The green properties are the Reach: Oldtown, Highgarden, and, uh, the Shield Islands.
The blue properties are the Crownlands: King's Landing and Dragonstone.

The railroads can be religions (the Old Gods, the Red God, the Seven, and the Drowned God) or cities in Essos.

Fun!
posted by painquale at 8:11 PM on August 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


Bah, shoulda Googled: these guys already did a GoT Monopoly board. It's strikingly similar!
posted by painquale at 8:16 PM on August 28, 2012 [2 favorites]


The reason there's no Bolton team in the league is everyone refuses to play against them 'cause they insist on using longpigskin balls.
posted by ifjuly at 9:38 PM on August 28, 2012 [1 favorite]


The reason there's no Bolton team in the league is everyone refuses to play against them 'cause they insist on using longpigskin balls.

And Team Manderly takes the field!
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 12:10 PM on August 29, 2012


painquale, I guess it's true that there's nothing new under the sun, huh?

Still, I am disappointed in the look of the GoT Monopoly on your link. The aesthetics bother me.

I want scrollier text! I want parchment for the cards! I want gears turning and kingdoms popping right up out of the middle of the board when you purchase them!

You have to admit, that would be an awesome App. And you'd need to make it an App, or else some extremely compicated Rube Goldbergesque contraption, to get all the elements juuuuust right.

If only I had programming talent, manual dexterity, a basic understanding of statistical analysis, and some patience and persistence to go along with my imagination, I might actually create something worthwhile someday!
posted by misha at 12:53 PM on August 29, 2012


The Greyjoy Squid absolutely does it for me. Brilliant. Would buy T-shirt/hoodie/jersey.

Maybe it's an American Football thing (but I'm not thinking that it is) - but the town name in the logo really brings to mind really minuscule minor league hockey logo.

The Tully log really reinforced this.
posted by porpoise at 9:19 PM on August 29, 2012


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