Oogiebombs
September 4, 2012 9:35 PM   Subscribe

So what happens when a variety of B-list actors and some extremely strange looking full-body puppets make a movie with a children's marketing expert? You get the worst opening weekend for any movie, ever.
posted by WinnipegDragon (130 comments total) 21 users marked this as a favorite

 
I was watching the trailer, got lost in it, then thought to myself "Why am I watching this?"

And I didn't know.

:(
posted by mazola at 9:38 PM on September 4, 2012 [6 favorites]


It's no Zyzzyx Rd, but you know, that one was only one theatre, not 2000.
posted by jeffamaphone at 9:40 PM on September 4, 2012 [4 favorites]


Oh, I am brimful of schadenfreude because I have been hating those creepy-looking things so hard. If I were a toddler, I would be terrified of them!
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:40 PM on September 4, 2012 [4 favorites]


I wish I still smoked pot. This movie would've made for a fun matinee with a few friends after a morning of gravity bong hits.
posted by item at 9:41 PM on September 4, 2012 [5 favorites]


On the other hand, Cloris Leachman is no B-list actor. YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
posted by mazola at 9:41 PM on September 4, 2012 [41 favorites]


It did horrible, but there's films that have done worse, just not on 2000 screens.

What was that Canadian film with the moose in from a few years ago. That made less than this one for sure.
posted by dobbs at 9:44 PM on September 4, 2012


Hilarious astroturfing going on in the Rotten Tomatoes comments. The identical comments from "different users" that go, "I may be black, but I'm thankful my toddlers got a break from the cussing..." are amazing.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:45 PM on September 4, 2012 [8 favorites]


The theater would have been empty, so we could've brought along the Whip-it cracker and a 50 pack of EZ-Whip cartridges too.

I miss being 18.
posted by item at 9:45 PM on September 4, 2012 [12 favorites]


On the other hand, Cloris Leachman is no B-list actor. YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Also Christopher Lloyd is in this. Is he considered a B-lister? If so that's some BS.
posted by AElfwine Evenstar at 9:47 PM on September 4, 2012 [13 favorites]


Nihta Cunari and King Longboards sure as hell hate cussing.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:55 PM on September 4, 2012 [2 favorites]


The film, which stars a series of creepy costumed characters with names like Toofie, Zoozie, and Goobie, as well as a vacuum cleaner named J. Edgar

Hahaha! That one's for the high-brow adults in the audience! Hahaha! It's even pretty dirty, if you think about it hard enough! Hahaha!
posted by Bwithh at 9:55 PM on September 4, 2012 [21 favorites]


What was that Canadian film with the moose in from a few years ago.
posted by dobbs at 9:44 PM on September 4 [+] [!]



This could be any number of Canadian movies in truth, but I demand to know the answer to this!
posted by Bwithh at 9:58 PM on September 4, 2012 [4 favorites]


Oogieloves lacks something that this guy's previous credits (Teletubbies and Thomas the Tank Engine) had... PBS.
posted by oneswellfoop at 9:58 PM on September 4, 2012 [4 favorites]


I am sorry I referred to the stellar actors responsible for such roles as 'Great Gam Gam' in Beerfest and 'Mr. Goodman' in Piranha 3DD as B-List.
posted by WinnipegDragon at 9:59 PM on September 4, 2012 [12 favorites]


Skynet fails to pass the Turing test yet again.
posted by benzenedream at 10:01 PM on September 4, 2012 [16 favorites]


Every time I saw a trailer for this, I felt like I was hallucinating. I'd ask the wife "Am I high right now? You're seeing this too?" and she would confirm it was all-too-real. And somehow it is even worse, apparently, than the trailers lead me to expect.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 10:02 PM on September 4, 2012 [4 favorites]


I read about this the other day, and was stuck by how some of the film's advertising actually highlights the fact that it's from the same "marketing visionary" as Teletubies, etc. Here's a poster that uses that language and I saw a trailer that does the same.

Here I was thinking that "From the studio that brought you..." was as silly as it got.
posted by brundlefly at 10:04 PM on September 4, 2012 [2 favorites]


This movie is beneath Jamie Pressly.
posted by benito.strauss at 10:06 PM on September 4, 2012 [5 favorites]


Watching the trailer, I just kept having flashbacks to Howard the Duck. Is he any relation to the Oogieloves (or is it sorta like Dr. Who and Rufus from Bill&Ted, and we just don't discuss them at the same time ...)?
posted by barnacles at 10:06 PM on September 4, 2012


It's no Zyzzyx Rd, but you know, that one was only one theatre, not 2000.

oh my!

Trivia
The film opened at one theater, Highland Village Park Theater in Dallas, Texas. It ran for six days, and made $30 at the box office. A crew member who took a friend got a refund, so the final domestic box-office gross was $20 or the equivalent of three tickets sold.


I must see this movie.
posted by mannequito at 10:07 PM on September 4, 2012 [12 favorites]


"Ironically, the movie initally came about after Anne Wood, the Teletubbies' creator, refused offers to turn the series into a motion picture.
"For years, I thought about how can I win an argument with her to say, see this is why we should make a movie," Viselman told The Hollywood Reporter. "And that turned into to me kind of deconstructing the entire movie-going experience. Why would a child not be happy in a movie theater? Eventually, what it really breaks down to in really simple terms is that young kids are asked to be adults when they go into the movie theater. They're asked to go there and be quiet, don't talk, eat your popcorn and drink your soda and just be quiet. That's not the way children interact."
As he was meditating on that question, Viselman found himself in a theater showing Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail, marveling at the way the audience shouted out advice to the characters and generally made the screening a community event instead of a solitary two hours. Mix that with a friend's account of The Rocky Horror Picture Show screening, with all its pagentry and participation, and the idea was born."

posted by Bwithh at 10:09 PM on September 4, 2012 [6 favorites]


From the Wiki link:

After seeing Madea Goes to Jail in a theater, Viselman was partially inspired to create a children's film in the vein of Teletubbies with the interactive aspect, allowing the children to sing, dance, and respond to the characters on screen.

So, yeah. As bad as it gets.
posted by brundlefly at 10:09 PM on September 4, 2012 [2 favorites]


Well, I guess that settles that argument.
posted by Artw at 10:12 PM on September 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


Foodfight! is such an enormous bomb that it hasn't even been released. Trailer here. It looks like the worst thing on the planet.
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:12 PM on September 4, 2012 [33 favorites]


Bwitth, Salt Water Moose, starring Timothy Dalton and Lolita Davidovich.
posted by dobbs at 10:14 PM on September 4, 2012 [2 favorites]


The trailer looks like something coming to your local hockey rink.
posted by maryr at 10:21 PM on September 4, 2012 [3 favorites]


So apparently Toni Braxton ( a currently hugely successful multi-Grammy winning R&B superstar , I understand?!?!?) has a singer character in this who is based on Mariah Carey. She does an alluring song and dance number .
posted by Bwithh at 10:21 PM on September 4, 2012


Its production budget was $20 million, in addition to another $40 million in marketing costs.

Well there's your problem right there. Perhaps rather than spending double what they spent to make the movie on marketing they should have made sure they had a decent product to market.
posted by gronkpan at 10:23 PM on September 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


eh, now I'm just piling on:

Inc. magazine profile of Viselman from 2003: "In the suite, after his guests listened to Gershwin tunes, sipped champagne, and dined on chÂteaubriand and lobster, Viselman unveiled what is known in the trade as a "plush" -- that is, a stuffed animal. But not just any stuffed animal. For what he called Li'l Pet Hospital, Viselman had created warm, cuddly, and luxuriant stuffed animals with eyes that actually look upward when you hug them. And what's more, he'd injured them, giving them wounds and broken bones. Inspired by the events of September 11 -- and, in many ways, by Viselman's own sadness and soul-searching after he lost his company -- Li'l Pet Hospital gives children the chance to nurture and heal."
posted by Bwithh at 10:30 PM on September 4, 2012 [5 favorites]


And that is why you're not a "marketing visionary".
posted by mazola at 10:31 PM on September 4, 2012 [4 favorites]


Wesley - aka The Dread Pirate Roberts aka Robin Hood aka fake spy car salesman - was associated with this? That's truly sad.
posted by azpenguin at 10:31 PM on September 4, 2012 [6 favorites]


Oh, snap!
posted by dirigibleman at 10:40 PM on September 4, 2012


About a week ago, I remember seeing ads for this movie constantly. A website I visit regularly (I can't remember which one now, but I remember thinking "Huh, this seems not well targeted.") had enourmous video ads taking over the screen; there were big posters for it in the Northgate area of Seattle; I remember an ad in a bus shelter. I'm currently eight months pregnant, so I viewed these ads with some trepitation. "Is this a thing? I haven't heard about this at all. This looks terrible." Luckily for me, it's not A Thing.
posted by Ideal Impulse at 10:42 PM on September 4, 2012 [5 favorites]


Oogieloves lacks something that this guy's previous credits (Teletubbies and Thomas the Tank Engine) had... PBS.

PBS spelled BBC, that is.
posted by MartinWisse at 10:46 PM on September 4, 2012 [5 favorites]


1. Foodfight! looks horrible. The computer animation looks like something that would have been used in videogame cutscenes about ten years ago. At 27 seconds into the trailer you can clearly see a computer rendered Charlie the Tuna, from the Starfish Tuna commercials, walking by in the background. Also it stars Charlie Sheen. And it also has Christopher Lloyd in it. That man needs better representation.

However, The Room and Birdemic are clearly worse.
posted by JHarris at 10:47 PM on September 4, 2012


(Note: there is no #2.)
posted by JHarris at 10:48 PM on September 4, 2012 [3 favorites]


I appreciated the NYT review, guest-written by a young friend of A.O. Scott.
posted by obscurator at 10:50 PM on September 4, 2012 [17 favorites]


The #2 is all over the movie screen.
posted by dirigibleman at 10:51 PM on September 4, 2012 [8 favorites]


Cloris Leachman's interview at moviefone is absolutely fantastic.

"How did you get involved with the project?
I never know the answer to that. I just get a call.

Did you want to do it for a specific reason?
Well, I get to sing and dance a little bit.
...
What draws you to these movies?
Money.

Anything else?
I'm free."

There's more -- she talks about miscarrying, THE LAST PICTURE SHOW, and Mel Brooks.
posted by incessant at 10:52 PM on September 4, 2012 [13 favorites]


Foodfight! looks horrible. The computer animation looks like something that would have been used in videogame cutscenes about ten years ago

The IMDB page says that the hard drives with the animation graphics were stolen in 2002 so the filmmakers has to start over ! ( film is dated 2009 and looks absolutely bafflingly terrible)
posted by Bwithh at 10:55 PM on September 4, 2012


I watched the whole Foodfight trailer. It turns out Charlie the Tuna was there because it's a movie about advertising mascots fighting evil with food. It's basically an excuse for epic levels of product placement. Wow.
posted by JHarris at 10:57 PM on September 4, 2012 [6 favorites]


According to the IMDB user reviews, the evil baddies in Food Fight are Nazi-themed brands led by a female Hitler character who appears in sexy schoolgirl stripper/Nazi fetish costume.

I wonder if this project was inspired by the Springtime for Hitler scam in The Producers?
posted by Bwithh at 11:04 PM on September 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh no, I'm sad Foodfight is terrible. I grew up a big fan of animated advertising mascots and would have loved to see them get their Who Framed Roger Rabbit or Wreck-It Ralph if it had been done right.
posted by scrowdid at 11:05 PM on September 4, 2012 [2 favorites]


fake spy car salesman

??
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:06 PM on September 4, 2012


"I appreciated the NYT review, guest-written by a young friend of A.O. Scott."

From Stella's excellent review:
Hallie’s dad texted Shoot Me Now and that was silly because why would you text someone to shoot you. There is no shooting in this movie.
posted by Kevin Street at 11:13 PM on September 4, 2012 [2 favorites]


Inspired by the events of September 11 -- and, in many ways, by Viselman's own sadness and soul-searching after he lost his company

Ugh. Uggggggh. Unnnnngggggggggggggggggh. And 'marketering geniuses' wonder why the rest of us generally consider them cankers on the soul of humanity.

"When his mother pulled out the T-shirt," says Viselman, "the child looked up and said 'Choo-choo.' Those were the first words the kid had ever spoken. And that moment my life changed. I really got it that I could do stuff that could make a difference in children's lives. And there was a huge responsibility that came with that. It was like, 'Oh, my God! Why can't we make great stuff for kids and make a lot of money at the same time? We can do both!"
posted by ArkhanJG at 11:30 PM on September 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


Cartoon Brew reports on Foodfight. Foodfight "coming soon" on DVD.
posted by JHarris at 11:31 PM on September 4, 2012


I was going to mention BBC, but Thomas the Tank Engine debuted in the UK on ITV; so yes, there's a British connection but even more so, PBS. Just glad this guy never got hold of Clifford the Big Red Dog.
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:35 PM on September 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


However, The Room and Birdemic are clearly worse.

Birdemic is not a movie. It's a postmodern treatise on what it means to be an audience.

Also, it involves people attacking clipart birds with coathangers.
posted by Afroblanco at 11:39 PM on September 4, 2012 [10 favorites]


Let us spare a thought for Delgo, the previous champion of opening week shit box office ($237 per theatre, versus Oogieloves' $206). Compared to Oogieloves and especially Foodfight, it looks like Citizen fucking Kane.
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 11:44 PM on September 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


So if I understand correctly, Foodfight is pretty much supposed to get kids to equate cheaper generic brands with nazis. And it would have worked too, if it weren't for you screaming kids, running away screaming at the sight of some seriously uncanny valley computer animation.

It seems to me that the key difference between Oogieloves and Teletubbies is that with Teletubbies you just sit the kids in the room with the TV and go do other things, but with Oogieloves you're pretty much forced to sit in the theatre while all of this is going on and the best it offers the parents is a terrible 80-year old pun.
posted by ckape at 11:49 PM on September 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


Came in here to link the A.O. Scott review -- it's pure gold.
posted by muckster at 12:06 AM on September 5, 2012


I saw a trailer for this a couple of months ago. I can't recall the exact words, but it was something like "I'm a boy and I like adventures!" "I'm another boy and I like science!" "I'm a girl and I like being nurturing and doing my hair!"

So, I am also glad this is Not A Thing.
posted by Joe in Australia at 12:51 AM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


However, The Room and Birdemic are clearly worse.

Birdemic is not a movie. It's a postmodern treatise on what it means to be an audience.


And they both pale in comparison to 'After Last Season.' That's just art made from a dimension where they hate human beings.
posted by lumpenprole at 12:54 AM on September 5, 2012 [4 favorites]


Teletubbies was produced by Ann Wood, but I think the more important person in its creation was Andrew Davenport - the team were also responsible for the wonderful In the Night Garden, which I think is one of my favourite television series of all time (I do not have children. Nor, curiously, do I do drugs). Particularly in the latter case, Davenport has come as close as anyone can in television to being an auteur with a lot of control over the design, direction and editing, writing all the episodes and creating the music (which ties the stories together).

It's fair to say that if neither Wood nor Davenport are involved (and they wouldn't be, really), then this is nothing to do with Teletubbies. They could, however, claim to be channel the spirits of the Krofft brothers.
posted by Grangousier at 1:07 AM on September 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


no one wants to mention The Apple among worst movies ever?
posted by davejay at 1:22 AM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


As the marketing strategist who helped popularize the “Thomas the Tank Engine” and “Teletubbies” franchises in the United States.

Claimed to have helped popularise. Was thought to have helped popularise. Deluded himself he had helped popularise...
posted by Segundus at 1:23 AM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


Just watched the trailer. I can't unwatch it.
posted by davejay at 1:25 AM on September 5, 2012


barnacles: " I just kept having flashbacks to Howard the Duck"

LEAVE HOWARD ALONE!

Seriously, I like that movie. One of the best Lovecraft film adaptations.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 1:27 AM on September 5, 2012 [8 favorites]


incessant: "There's more -- she talks about miscarrying"

So, she keeps talking about this movie?
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 1:29 AM on September 5, 2012


A. O. Scott's review in the NYT is worth reading.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 1:42 AM on September 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


How many promising low-budget film projects are there out there languishing for lack of backing? But this is what capitalism allocates resources to. This is the kind of thing that could cause a man to have occasional shivers of doubt about the perfect efficiency of the market mechanism.
posted by Segundus at 1:42 AM on September 5, 2012 [11 favorites]


Partway through the trailer, I caught myself thinking that this could be kinda fun, if someone edited it down into something largely lacking in the title characters.

Then the guy whose pants fall down has them fall down again. And the fish made a fart noise. Again. And I realized that this trailer has probably shown about 75% of the screen time that the title characters aren't dominating the screen.

Then the girl said "Isn't this the BEST MOVIE EVER?!?!?".

And I stopped the player.

Wow. This is precisely as bad as I thought it would be when I saw a poster for it.
posted by egypturnash at 1:46 AM on September 5, 2012


We need to go back to the Renaissance and Baroque model of patronage for the arts because at least then you only need to convince one wigbrained aristocrat of the aesthetic worthiness of your project instead of a conference room's worth of cold calculating number crunchers and oblivious marketing people.
posted by Apocryphon at 1:49 AM on September 5, 2012 [8 favorites]


It's a cliché to say something inside me died... but when they did the trousers dropping gag for the second time something inside me really did die.

And there's a special place in hell for 'children's marketing experts'
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:57 AM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


I have never felt so happy to be childless.
posted by maxwelton at 3:00 AM on September 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


SO my sister-in-law calls me and says, "Mephron(1). We're thinking about taking the kids to a movie, and want something that's not violent or mean. What do you know about Oogieloves?"

The kids are an 8 year old girl and twin 5 year old boys.

"...you are better off staying home and giving them the Electric Company DVDs(2) I bought for them a few years ago."

"That bad?"

"The reviews compare Manos The Hands Of Fate to it... with Manos being better."

And thus I saved my niece and nephews from it.

----

(1) she used my real name, but I'm not going to use it here.
(2) my sister-in-law was concerned about the violence on the Electric Company. Like what Letterman did. I sometimes despair for the woman.
posted by mephron at 3:01 AM on September 5, 2012 [7 favorites]


Needs more Pee Wee and Cowboy Curtis.
posted by loosemouth at 3:16 AM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


It's no Zyzzyx Rd, but you know, that one was only one theatre, not 2000.

Not sure if anyone already mentioned this, but the reason they do shit like releasing a movie in one theater for one week is to qualify the movie for certain festivals and awards.
posted by phaedon at 3:50 AM on September 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


I saw the trailer for this wretched mess on the TV in my kitchen a few times when I was busy washing dishes and cooking and didn't want to wash up just to use the remote, and it's definitely one of those vile things, akin to the Christian horror franchise, Veggie Tales, in which the utter disconnect between soulless adults and their poor hapless children is demonstrated. Every single detail here shows off the lazy writing, the lazy understanding, and the condescending, insulting, idiotic pap that adults who have no business communicating with children dump on kids because they're just too into their own insane vision of what they think childhood is about to actually pay attention.

When I was a kid, if you gave me that magical 64 crayon box, I didn't go straight for (a) primary colors or (b) whatever the hell those garish colors that they use in every single visual image intended for children. Actual children like burnt sienna, periwinkle, and yellow-green, not just dumb day-glo colors that are the current signifiers for childhood in the market department's style book. Give my nieces a box of crayons, and they'd come up with a smashing little drawing of me and my dog rendered in a palette of blues and greys and black that Picasso would have envied.

The language is a horror, too. Dumb adults think that kids are drawn to rhyme-y, alliterative, simplistic babytalk names, because we've been blaring stupidity at them at length with red idiot puppets with speech impediments for the last few decades, but let a kid name their own doll or imaginary friend and they'll pick names like "Robert Monroe" and "Mrs. Louise" and "Elizabeth Small" over "Ookie Googington" and "Bartley Baby Boom Boom" by a long shot. We think kids like this crap, but it's dumb adults buying this ruinous garbage for kids in a hectoring bid to be their kids' best buddy best pal with a patronizing attempt to think they way they think kids think.

Of course, children are a highly suggestible little army of the damned. Drill stupidity into them long enough by jamming them in front of a TV because you're just ever so tired and need a little me time and they'll come to respond like little Pavlovian dogs. However unnatural it is for them to play along with the C-student writing of aspiring entertainers who can't even make it into the dinner theater scene, you can indoctrinate them until they're as dumb, lifeless, and repetitive as you are.

Hur hur, the pants fell down! Ho ho—farted!

I take the failure of this film as a little sign that maybe things are changing for the better, if only because there's finally some day-glo fatigue kicking in.

My brother mentioned to me yesterday that, while he and my sister-in-law and my five year-old nephew were out hiking in the woods, they found an animal skull and stopped to examine it.

As my nephew held it in the light, turning it over and over as he looked over the arches and corners and curves of the thing, my brother suggested that maybe it was a possum skull, which drew a furrowed brow from the kid, who spoke about the form of the jaw in what my brother recognized to be a direct quote from The Fantastic Mr. Fox. Kid pays attention, it seems.

No oogie boogie purple dinosaur dancing wiggledy schniggledy shit for my nephew. I felt incredibly proud and looked forward to giving him a copy of my childhood favorite, The Great Glass Elevator, which is both joyously kid-paced and shockingly free of the glurgey saccharine cutesy poo sentiment that people just keep foisting on kids.
posted by sonascope at 4:07 AM on September 5, 2012 [59 favorites]


Hilarious astroturfing going on in the Rotten Tomatoes comments.

I... wow. Yeah.

I don't know whether it's more depressing that somebody's job was to AstroTurf Rotten Tomatoes for the Oogieloves, or that that could be somebody's job and they would botch it that badly.
posted by strangely stunted trees at 4:07 AM on September 5, 2012


Wait, the same guy is responsible for Thomas the Tank Engine, Teletubbies and Oogieloves?

This explains so, so much. If he also had a hand in that inhuman creature that calls itself "Sid the Science Kid" then my Grand Unified Theory of Seriously Disturbing Television is almost complete.
posted by DU at 4:31 AM on September 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


Yo Gabba Gabba has the surreal kiddie market sewn up at the moment - because the adults behind it take their audience and their art seriously. They demand and get top indie and underground talent, or class acts being classy - The Root's "Love my Family" is one of the best songs in their catalog. The point is to put on a show, and then maybe make some money from the toys based on the strength of the content.

On the other hand, almost all toddler shows are about interpersonal communication - only Sesame Street is really doing any kind of job teaching fundamentals like numbers, shapes, letters and vocabulary. I'd like to see shows like Yo Gabba Gabba or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse take a more active role in that.

no one wants to mention The Apple among worst movies ever?

You just don't have what it takes to be a... Master.
posted by Slap*Happy at 4:51 AM on September 5, 2012 [8 favorites]


From the A.O. Scott review :"They have a pillow named Schluufy..."

Oy my yiddishe mama..."Schluffy"?
That's what my Bubbe used to say when it was time to sleep. 'Go schluffy'.
posted by exparrot at 5:01 AM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


exparrot: " That's what my Bubbe used to say when it was time to sleep. 'Go schluffy'."

Heh. My wife and I use 'schluffy' with our kids. :D
posted by zarq at 5:17 AM on September 5, 2012


What is it with the vacuum cleaners?
posted by Rat Spatula at 5:21 AM on September 5, 2012


What is it with the vacuum cleaners?

My theory is they're included simply to enable "X sucks!" jokes for that ever-important 12-14 year-old demographic. After all, somebody has to sit in the theater with their little sibling.
posted by tommasz at 5:47 AM on September 5, 2012


What is it with the vacuum cleaners?

It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again?
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 5:51 AM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


no one wants to mention The Apple among worst movies ever?
posted by davejay at 1:22 AM on 9/5
[1 favorite −] Favorite added! [!]

That movie redefines deus ex machina.
posted by troika at 5:57 AM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


That movie redefines deus ex machina.

Deus ex Buick.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 6:23 AM on September 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


True story: Over the weekend, My boyfriend was upstate, staying at a house with a friend of his, among others. While they were in town (the only time they had Internet access), she looked at her phone, and said, "Gee, my friend Matt's movie just opened and it's getting terrible reviews." Another friend tried to make her feel better, saying, "Oh, it's just reviews." My BF was so tempted to say, "No, this is what they call 'being shit-hammered,'" but he didn't want to make her feel any worse.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 6:23 AM on September 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


DU: Sid the Science Kid is a horrid uncanny valley abomination. I thought I was all alone in that.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:31 AM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


I saw the posters for this thing, and just from the title ("Oogieloves'? WTF? how precious & cutsey can you get?!?) and artwork (my gawd, that's just scary!) I knew it was gonna be bad.... then I started seeing the trailers, and realized these people had managed to find entirely new depths to the phrase, "bad movies".

oh, and barnacles? I'm another one who enjoys 'Howard the Duck'.... of course, I'll also admit to a fondness to 'Santa Claus vs. the Martians' (Pia Zadora's first role!) and the world's only all-midget musical western, 'The Terror of Tiny Town', so yeah: my taste might be suspect. (But hell no to 'Oogieloves' --- I gotta have some standards!)
posted by easily confused at 6:34 AM on September 5, 2012


So someone can spend $40 million dollars to promote something and I can still not hear about it? Good to know.
posted by cjorgensen at 6:35 AM on September 5, 2012 [14 favorites]


I look at shit like this, and I chuckle, but then I think of the 5 minute credit scroll that follows the end of even the crappiest of these productions. It's one thing to have a dumb idea, but quite another to wrangle the resources, time, effort, talent, etc to make it into an actual product. Whenever I see shit like this, I don't see dopey costumes or CGI dogs, or even the idea of actors who should have better things to do tooling around on a set: I think of all the people who signed onto this, thinking it'd be a good idea. I think of grips and cameramen and caterers and builders, putting in 8 hour days. These aren't stupid people either, at least a good amount of them know that their energies and talents are being wasted.

I've struggled with anxiety and confidence issues all my life; When I have an idea, i'm haunted with embarrassment. When my eBay store tells me that one of the items in my shop hasn't had any sales in over a year and I should "consider revising it", it's a dark mark on my soul, until I pull the item out of shame.

I can't imagine having that level of confidence that would permit me to not only HAVE such a terrible idea without recoiling in embarrassment, but even begin to FATHOM tanking $60 MILLION DOLLARS on making it into reality.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 6:37 AM on September 5, 2012 [12 favorites]


It's been my experience that camera men and grips really like having jobs and being paid more then caring about if this particular job tanks. It's not like they created this disaster, they just shot it.
posted by The Whelk at 6:46 AM on September 5, 2012 [14 favorites]


You can take away fart humour over my dead body. I suggest you use tupperware.
posted by srboisvert at 6:47 AM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


If nothing else, at least Mr. Viselman has given this generation of children a strange, forgotten "classic" to marvel at when they get older. A "Plan 9 From Outer Space" for the adults of 2025, perhaps.
posted by Kevin Street at 6:50 AM on September 5, 2012


Whelk: Maybe so, but I can't imagine that at least with this film, somewhere deep down, they feel it.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 6:56 AM on September 5, 2012


*imagine, not 'can't imagine' ... see how bad this shit is messing with me?!
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 6:57 AM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


EH, maybe. The only story I can think of from someone working on a doomed, awful production was a guy doing the post on dallies for a TV show that was so badly managed and organized that the clips came without metadata or claps and in the wrong order and labeled like 4 different things so suddenly his job became salvaging completely context-less clips and then getting yelled at for failing to do something that wasn;t his job.
posted by The Whelk at 7:08 AM on September 5, 2012


Wait, the same guy is responsible for Thomas the Tank Engine, Teletubbies and Oogieloves?

This explains so, so much. If he also had a hand in that inhuman creature that calls itself "Sid the Science Kid" then my Grand Unified Theory of Seriously Disturbing Television is almost complete.


Straying dangerously into "hating on kids TV because it is FOR KIDS" territory there... Also he only localized those things - something that's largely superfluous or just makes them worse, IMHO.

Yo Gabba Gabba has the surreal kiddie market sewn up at the moment - because the adults behind it take their audience and their art seriously.

That seems to be the vital ingredient missing here.
posted by Artw at 7:29 AM on September 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


I think of grips and cameramen and caterers and builders, putting in 8 hour days. These aren't stupid people either, at least a good amount of them know that their energies and talents are being wasted.

Everyone in the entertainment industry at every level has worked on stuff like this. (If you ever really want to hear me rant, ask me about the time I worked on something called Medea in Jerusalem.) Particularly so among the techies, though, there is a sort of gallows humor that people engage in to cope - they know what they're working on sucks, but it's a paycheck, so fuck it, and we'll just bust on it while we're working on it. A guy I used to hang out with somehow ended up as one of the translators on the film The Amazing Panda Adventure, and said that one of the things he enjoyed most was that he was one of the few Caucasian guys who knew that the crew were all taking advantage of the fact that the cast and producers didn't speak Mandarin to get away with singing obscene songs and bust on the lead kid all the time.

I also once had a delightful encounter with an electrics guy who was packing things up for the night after he was working on a location shoot on my block. I asked him what they were shooting - it was Glitter. But he had the most deliciously sarcastic gleam in his eye as he told me "Because after all, it is time that Mariah told her story to the world!" I ended up hanging out on my stoop talking to the guy a full five minutes just because he was having so much fun busting on the film.

We do that.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:10 AM on September 5, 2012 [9 favorites]


I was going to defend Thomas The Tank Engine as not as terrible as everyone was making it out to be when I realized why I don't hate it - Ringo Starr. More specifically, I don't hate it because in the US, Thomas et al were presented as segments of Shining Time Station, which was really pretty cute. The train animations were always the worst part of it. And, until reading the Wikipedia article on it, I'd forgotten that Ringo's replacement as Mr. Conductor was George Carlin.
posted by maryr at 8:22 AM on September 5, 2012 [4 favorites]


If this had had a budget of $20,000 intead of $20 million, it just might have been the best thing ever.
posted by jsturgill at 8:24 AM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


The ads for this were all over Wonkette. Weirdest mismatch there since TruckNutz.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:11 AM on September 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


This kind of thing works on TV - toddlers will space out to it, and you can make dinner (or whatever). Although, personally, if I had kids I'd rather they watch something moderately educational. But to buy a whole movie ticket per kid, then have to sit through this? No one really thought this through, did they?

I will say that scene with Cary Elwes was not as depressing for me as realizing he was the guy with the bad American accent in SAW.
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 9:16 AM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


I was lucky - Kid #1 Lost interest in Rhinas just before charming old school model-based Thomas got replaced by horid plastic CG Thomas.
posted by Artw at 9:22 AM on September 5, 2012


This movie is beneath Jamie Pressly.

Ironically, that's a pretty desirable position in which to find one's self.
posted by thanotopsis at 9:36 AM on September 5, 2012 [6 favorites]


When my girlfriend saw ads for this on the subway, her first thought was that she was having a stroke, what with the gooblety bloobity being almost real words.
posted by klangklangston at 9:49 AM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think of grips and cameramen and caterers and builders, putting in 8 hour days. These aren't stupid people either, at least a good amount of them know that their energies and talents are being wasted.

How many of us feel like we're wasting our energies and talents at whatever our day job is? Creative jobs are no different, at times. I used to work in television with a guy that asked to be credited as the pseudonym "Michael Bennett" whenever he worked on a project that sucked, so he wouldn't have to be associated with it. Lots of people know how to collect a dime on wasted time, and some days it beats only having a nickel.
posted by davejay at 9:52 AM on September 5, 2012 [10 favorites]


I saw the trailer when I went to see Brave.

I had previously, and regretfully, landed on the show on morning tv. I have long mourned the death of good Saturday morning tv, or kids programming in general (not counting those rare gems that occasional pop up), and the trailer was simply something like the casket slamming shut and then falling into the open grave, causing the captured gas within the bloated body to be released in a foul smelling, sounding event that firmly encapsulated everything that went through my mind at the moment.

Obviously, I've been in good spirits since I learned of the movie's complete and utter failure.
posted by Atreides at 10:01 AM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


There is no lack of kis centric TV: For that age group - PBS. For a little older - Nick Jr.
posted by Artw at 10:02 AM on September 5, 2012


Oh Peewee. I miss you.

Nothing in that trailer showed car chases, burning guys, guys falling off high places*, or machine duels. Letsee...what else?.... Oh, yeah, no sex.

I still won't watch it.


(* or burning guys falling off high places...)
posted by mule98J at 10:13 AM on September 5, 2012


Atreides, I don't think there's an Oogieloves TV show; in this New York Times piece, Viselman talks about doing a movie because it's "impossible to break in on TV."
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:17 AM on September 5, 2012


Viselman has stoically meditated on the meaning of the opening box office results for the first Oogieloves movie and is going ahead with creating 2 movie sequels and a TV series: "He starts scouting locations for the sequels this month in Michigan, and production is planned to begin next month, with both movies filmed back-to-back."

Maybe this will be A Thing after all.
posted by Bwithh at 10:28 AM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


azpenguin:fake spy car salesman?

Aren't you thinking of Bill Paxton from True Lies?
posted by monkeymadness at 10:33 AM on September 5, 2012


I find Teletubbies' gentle otherworldliness to be endearing and even enjoyable in small doses.* This just looks horrible. I remember seeing commercials for it and thinking it was some kind of tax write-off.

* Small doses is really a key point. The whole point of Teletubbies is to make kids go to sleep. Even with a great kids show like Yo Gabba Gabba -- you put it on when the kids are done playing and they fall asleep after 15 minutes and you read a book. **

** I have no actual experience with kids, except for being a kooky uncle. Maybe this isn't now it works all the time.
posted by roll truck roll at 10:47 AM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


I find Teletubbies' gentle otherworldliness to be endearing and even enjoyable in small doses.

My theory is that "Teletubbies" and "The Prisoner" are set in the same village.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:42 AM on September 5, 2012 [13 favorites]


On the other hand, Cloris Leachman (Lake Placid 2) is no B-list actor. YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Also Christopher Lloyd (Last Call) is in this. Is he considered a B-lister? If so that's some BS.


Whatever personal fetishes you may have for them, those are pretty much quintessential B-movie actors, even at the height of their careers.
posted by mrgrimm at 11:51 AM on September 5, 2012


My theory is that "Teletubbies" and "The Prisoner" are set in the same village.

"Numbah 6! Numbah 6!"

“I am not a number, I am a person.”

"Numbah 6! Numbah 6! BIIIIIIIG HUUUUUUUG!"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:26 PM on September 5, 2012 [8 favorites]


Related
posted by Artw at 12:33 PM on September 5, 2012


Atreides, I don't think there's an Oogieloves TV show; in this New York Times piece, Viselman talks about doing a movie because it's "impossible to break in on TV."

Ah, you're right. On a painful reflection, I was thinking of this very strange show, Doodlebops, where actors are dressed up to look like some kind of weird chimera-like creatures, supposedly, real life...cartoons.

The show apparently features scenes where the actors perform in front of little kids who dance and do things while the show is going on...which is how the show above was advertised for the theater.

Why did you have to draw me back in? Yarg.
posted by Atreides at 12:50 PM on September 5, 2012


Cary Elwes is no B-Lister. He was the most official Robin Hood, because only he did it with a british accent.
posted by inigo2 at 1:11 PM on September 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


*shrug* Jamie Pressly has good comic timing. Sometimes, as an actor, you have no idea how bad something is when you are doing it. A movie is sort of a machine that grinds along under its own inevitable inertia.
posted by clvrmnky at 1:45 PM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


Cary Elwes is no B-Lister. He was the most official Robin Hood, because only he did it with a british accent.

You guys are under the impression that "B-list" is a permanent label. But I agree with you--he's probably the only former A-lister (Saw, Princess Bride, etc.), but I'm not sure he is now.... Wonder Woman?
posted by mrgrimm at 2:12 PM on September 5, 2012


I'm pretty sure being featured in 'Saw' does not make you A-list.
posted by maryr at 2:23 PM on September 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


Yeah, Cary Elwes was never an A-list actor. He used to be B-list. Now he's clinging to C-list. I like him, but a box office draw he was not.
posted by Justinian at 2:27 PM on September 5, 2012


From the moviefone interview linked above by incessant: "...the movie features bulbous-headed creatures, an interactive component that encourages children to sing and dance, and Chazz Palminteri.

So, really, there's nothing to save this movie from itself, except maaaaaybe Cary Elwes.
posted by catlet at 2:35 PM on September 5, 2012


Jaime Pressley has excellent comic timing. I suggest watching her in the so-bad-it's-great "DOA: Dead Or Alive", based on the videogame. She plays Tina, and her entire attitude is "this is ridiculous, I'm just going along for the ride and the money".

(I do want to know who owns the lien on Natassia Malthe's soul and gets her into so many bad movies, though.)
posted by mephron at 2:43 PM on September 5, 2012


I got a legal pre-release copy of Zyzzyx Rd from the internet (I'd written in somewhere out of curiosity).

I watched it, before I knew it was a famously bad movie, and you know, I rather liked it. It was too mainstream for me but it seemed fairly well put together, had some decent violence and some scary parts.

I was quite surprised later to discover that it was a record holder.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 2:51 PM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


yeah, after I posted that comment last night I read a bit more about Zyzzyx Rd - this is from the wikipedia page for the movie:

Zyzzyx Road was shown once a day at noon for seven days (2/25-3/2, 2006) at Highland Park Village Theater in Dallas, Texas,[4] a movie theater rented by the producers for $1,000.[1] The limited release was deliberate: Grillo was uninterested in releasing the film domestically until it underwent foreign distribution, but needed to fulfill the U.S. release obligation required by the Screen Actors Guild for low-budget films[1] (films with budgets less than $2.5 million that are not for the direct-to-video market).

And the making of the movie sounds a little crazy as well:

The film was shot entirely on location in the Mojave Desert, in and around local mines.[3] Sizemore and long-time friend Peter Walton, who worked as Sizemore's assistant, were arrested during the film's production for repeatedly failing drug tests while on probation. Police discovered that Walton had a warrant out for his arrest for child pornography distribution and was subsequently jailed. Sizemore was not jailed, making it possible for him to film his scenes.

Still curious to see it though.
posted by mannequito at 2:59 PM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


lumpenprole: "And they both pale in comparison to 'After Last Season.' That's just art made from a dimension where they hate human beings."

See also: The Empiricist
posted by brundlefly at 3:45 PM on September 5, 2012


If he also had a hand in that inhuman creature that calls itself "Sid the Science Kid" then my Grand Unified Theory of Seriously Disturbing Television is almost complete.

Sid The Science Kid is actually a Jim Henson Company motion-capture thing. It's does skirt the uncanny valley. Here's a making-of video so you can see exactly how they make it so creepy.
posted by hippybear at 7:47 PM on September 5, 2012


So who else is waiting for the Rifftrax for this?
posted by jmcgready at 7:57 PM on September 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


HATE "Oogieloves." Makes me wanna hurl. I want to gloat that something so coldly done in marketing failed so horribly. Except that there will be sequels ANYWAY.

Gaaaaaaaaaaah.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:17 PM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


RiffTrax oh yes. There's been three or four solid RiffTrax candidates mentioned here. GUYS, I KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS. HOW ABOUT IT? AFTER LAST SEASON? FOODFIGHT? DELGO? OOGIELOVES?
posted by JHarris at 10:31 PM on September 5, 2012


Ok, so, I've never heard of the Oogieloves prior to reading this, but I TOTALLY have seen those creepy looking characters before. Then I remembered I had recently seen this video (Bob Odenkirk in Tim and Eric) and a screencap of this children's show called "My Bedbugs" was shown with those same creepy looking characters.

My Bedbugs Characters vs Oogielove Characters. Also, according to IMDB, there was a vacuum cleaner in "My Bedbugs" called J Edgar.

So apparently the Oogieloves movie is a rehash of a crummy six years old children's TV show. I guess the name "My Bedbugs" wouldn't really be popular movie title choice considering the bedbug infestations going on right now...although Oogieloves doesn't sound much better.

When I have kids I am going to avoid crap like this like the plague, and instead have them watch Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street DVDs with the parental warnings on the covers.
posted by littlesq at 1:49 AM on September 6, 2012 [1 favorite]


I spent four years of my life working on Delgo.

If any of the below-the-line people on Oogieloves need to talk ....
posted by balistic at 3:02 PM on September 6, 2012 [3 favorites]


Another really entertaining review of Oogieloves, in which she was one of 3 people in the theater. Features priceless lines like these:

"Warning: There are spoilers a— oh, honestly, does anyone care about spoilers in a movie about throwing a birthday party for a pillow?

The Oogieloves explain that every time we see butterflies on the screen, we have permission to get up and dance. But when turtles walk across the bottom of the screen, that means we have to sit down. Hollywood should really apply this visual aid to other movies. It would help critics so much when they aren’t sure whether to give a film a standing ovation at Cannes.

A Celebritology commenter noted in yesterday’s post that a mirror flirts with a vacuum cleaner in this movie. That must have been a joke, right?
Oh my God. It was not a joke.

We are told that every time that Toofie’s pants fall down, we all have to shout: “Goofy Toofie! Pick up your pants!” His pants fall down. The dad, the 4-year-old and I remain silent in a form of political protest.

Chazz Palminteri shows up and reveals himself to be a man named Milkshake Marvin, then says words like “Daddy-O” a lot and sings a song about milkshakes. So, basically, the exact same role he played in “The Usual Suspects.”

Now the Oogieloves are at an airport with Toni Braxton, who slips into a slinky evening gown so she can sing a number called “Scratchy Sniffy Cough Cough,” which, as far as I know, is the first ever slow jam about allergies.

The “Princess Bride” fan who lives inside my heart screams out: “This is not as I wish, Farm Boy! This is not as I wish!”

posted by jenfullmoon at 7:44 PM on September 6, 2012 [2 favorites]


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