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The sweater _is_ cursed
October 3, 2012 12:13 PM   Subscribe

Knitters say that you should never knit your boyfriend a sweater. But what if you just knit your boyfriend? Artist Noortje de Keijer decided to try to avert the curse.

The results are a little more creepy than one might expect.
posted by sparklemotion (62 comments total) 11 users marked this as a favorite

 
Loved it. The vibrating washing machine was a nice touch!
posted by mochapickle at 12:20 PM on October 3, 2012


But where did she get the dude that is stuffed inside? Or is that just bargain-bin hamburger meat or something?
posted by elizardbits at 12:20 PM on October 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


Presumably the next step is to sew this out of human skin.
posted by figurant at 12:21 PM on October 3, 2012 [7 favorites]


That is--literally--a body pillow.
posted by Beardman at 12:29 PM on October 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Scary scary stuff.

bargain-bin hamburger meat
This is my new term of endearment for the week.
posted by Sayuri. at 12:29 PM on October 3, 2012 [4 favorites]


I've never heard of the Sweater Curse. What if I knit a sweater for Tecumseh? Does that cancel out both curses?
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 12:30 PM on October 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


The treasure trail on the the guy in the tooth-brushing picture just cracks me up.
posted by dlugoczaj at 12:32 PM on October 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


elizardbits: "Or is that just bargain-bin hamburger meat or something?"

Army surplus taco meat.
posted by zarq at 12:33 PM on October 3, 2012 [6 favorites]


That is the only movie I have ever seen where someone has cried over spilled milk. Nice touch.
posted by bswinburn at 12:34 PM on October 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


So many different levels of terrifying!
posted by Mizu at 12:34 PM on October 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Etsy does RealDoll.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 12:35 PM on October 3, 2012 [18 favorites]


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
posted by The Card Cheat at 12:37 PM on October 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


The fact that I sound the flexing sweater dude picture weirdly appealing with the, shall we say, more-controllable hormones of a 37 year old man-attracted-to-men makes me super glad a younger, more confused me wasn't exposed to that picture because of the fetishes that may have been formed.

Wool bullet dodged, for sure.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:39 PM on October 3, 2012 [11 favorites]


So this is basically a knit version of a female Fleshlight.
posted by kurosawa's pal at 12:40 PM on October 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


(I wondered how soon it would be before I was tempted to use the new edit functionality for something embarrassing admitted but I didn't figure it would be this soon.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:40 PM on October 3, 2012 [3 favorites]


I am now picturing younger!you furtively caressing some socks at the flea market.
posted by elizardbits at 12:40 PM on October 3, 2012 [6 favorites]


Just this morning I asked my boyfriend for more smartwool socks for my birthday, but now I think I'm going to ask for a full smartwool bodysuit.
posted by jph at 12:43 PM on October 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Wait -- she dried him in the dryer and he didn't shrink to Peter Dinklage-size?

THIS ISN'T REAL AT ALL
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 12:44 PM on October 3, 2012 [3 favorites]


Wait -- she dried him in the dryer and he didn't shrink to Peter Dinklage-size?

Washable wool, duh.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:46 PM on October 3, 2012


Just this morning I asked my boyfriend for more smartwool socks for my birthday, but now I think I'm going to ask for a full smartwool bodysuit.

As if existing fetish wear isn't sweaty-making and sometimes uncomfortable enough.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:47 PM on October 3, 2012


Actually it was as creepy as I expected.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 12:47 PM on October 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


If my SO knitted me a sweater, I would find it incredibly sweet and would wear it all the time. hint hint, log on and see this comment so you can get with the knitting.
posted by Jpfed at 12:54 PM on October 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


Cashmere Boyfriend confirmed for new band name.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 12:55 PM on October 3, 2012 [3 favorites]


Back in the dark days of the internet there was definitely some wool bodysuit fetish erotica that crossed my path that I read - no, seriously! - because it was just so fascinatingly bizarre to me. If I recall correctly it involved being knitted into them, getting wet, and having them get shrunken while still being worn? And the subsequent itchiness and discomfort was, like, a huge turn-on for whoever had written it. No actual sex acts were involved. I love you, whackadoodle fetish erotica writer people. Keep on doing what you're doing.

This, on the other hand, sent me down dark paths. I kept thinking it was going to end ironically in some kind of bitter breakup after she tries to knit him a sweater to cover the treasure trail and he goes and finds his own knitted girlfriend. But nope! They live happily ever after, which clearly, in my mind, means she's had a complete mental break and her hallucinations have completely overridden her perception of the world. Poor pretty ginger girl.
posted by Mizu at 12:57 PM on October 3, 2012 [3 favorites]



Washable wool, duh.


Well, is that going to be soft and proper boyfriend material? Or will it be itchy and make me break out in a rash? Will the cat grab a loose thread, and then I come home from work to a pile of string and now I am sad....

Sorry, KnitBoy, this isn't going to work out. :-(
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 1:00 PM on October 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


Well, is that going to be soft and proper boyfriend material? Or will it be itchy and make me break out in a rash?

In all seriousness -- actually, there is some very nice washable wool out there. And actually, wool isn't even necessary - cotton yarn is machine washable, and can be very soft. And hell, even proper wool yarn is washable, it just can't be washed in a washing machine.

Although, the fact that I"m arguing about yarn choice in knitting one's self a boyfriend is maybe a sign I'm going too far. Although, I've found the porn such a guy could watch.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:03 PM on October 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


Well, they APPEAR to live happily ever after. Just wait until she catches him in medias res with some trampy cardigan.
posted by delfin at 1:04 PM on October 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


I thought it was a washing machine. Knit gurus of the highest order know the secrets of washing wool in front-loading washers, especially the high-efficiency kinds that just sort of swish instead of spinning.
posted by muddgirl at 1:05 PM on October 3, 2012


If you only knit your boyfriend a partial sweater, this oddly makes your relationship even more cursed. So I think if you knit the whole boyfriend you're gonna make it.
posted by mcstayinskool at 1:06 PM on October 3, 2012


I don't see how having a boyfriend is going to stop a person from knocking over the milk when they're flailing away at their soft-boiled egg in the morning.

I keep clicking to show new comments in hopes that it's going to have turned out to be someone else's job to drop the issue of knitting that dude a strap-on harness but nope, it's gotta be me (OH LIKE YOU DIDN'T THINK IT WHEN HE STARTED "STRUMMING" THE MINI-BAGUETTE).

In the sequel she meets a real dude and then the shit goes down, because that thing is a horror movie waiting to happen. She throws him in the good-will box because "after all he is just a knitted man" but that night when she is watching the TV with the new flesh man and it is raining and the lightning flashes and OH GOD he is staring through the window and he is smiling, he will always be smiling...
posted by nanojath at 1:06 PM on October 3, 2012 [6 favorites]


They make washable wool? Huh. Interesting.
posted by zarq at 1:07 PM on October 3, 2012


Someone out there knitted a HAPPY TRAIL!
posted by zizzle at 1:10 PM on October 3, 2012


If I had remembered (and if I wasn't at work right now), I probably would have dug up and posted the link to the bespoke fetish knitter reviews that I stumbled upon a while back.

As in, there are people who knit fetishwear for money (which seems obvious), but there's also a whole community of people who review the various knitters, so that you know your acrylic body suit is going to be quality.
posted by sparklemotion at 1:12 PM on October 3, 2012


made of Shetland and Icelandic
he is fuzzy and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many skeins and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....
posted by zamboni at 1:12 PM on October 3, 2012 [4 favorites]


This thread brought to you by Woolite.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 1:14 PM on October 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


I wonder if in the fetish knitwear community there are urban legends like, "So-and-so knows a guy who died because he wore a full acrylic knit suit without a small hole at the small of his back, so his skin couldn't breathe!"
posted by muddgirl at 1:17 PM on October 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


This is particularly hilarious coming directly after the conversation I had last night about the general wrongness of cashmere underwear.
posted by elizardbits at 1:22 PM on October 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


you mean so-wrong-it's-rightness, right?
posted by sparklemotion at 1:28 PM on October 3, 2012


*pulls thread, walks away*
posted by BitterOldPunk at 1:34 PM on October 3, 2012 [11 favorites]


sparklemotion, yes please when you get the chance.
posted by jonbro at 2:02 PM on October 3, 2012


The washing machine bit was the sex scene, right? The way she vibrated...
posted by jjwiseman at 2:03 PM on October 3, 2012


The only sweater curse I have encountered was when I knitted The Boyfriend a sweater, he wore it non-stop and then started "when are you going to knit me another one? When? When? When?". Good grief. Never again.
posted by kariebookish at 2:25 PM on October 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


see also (or other thing I found while searching for that first thing) (or other other thing) edit window is fun!
posted by Zed at 2:25 PM on October 3, 2012


The real reason for the sweater curse: if you find yourself with enough time to finally finish the damned thing, the two of you must not be that into each other anymore.

A friend went to the Faroe Islands to study traditional knitting, and sent me a card saying that wives of fishermen each developed a distinctive pattern for knitting a sweater so a body that washed up on the beach after some period of time at sea wouldn't be so hard to identify.

The distance between a tradition like that and thinking of knitting a sweater as a curse doesn't seem all that great to me.
posted by jamjam at 2:30 PM on October 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


Jamjam, that whole "knitting so fishermen can be identified" is a tale told pretty much whereever knitting is a tourist attraction.

I've been involved with Glasgow University's current series of workshops on Scottish textiles heritage and we discussed the veracity of this as several people mentioned the tale being told to them in Ireland, the Shetland Islands and around the Moray Firth in North Scotland. It is not to say it cannot be a true tale, but it does reek a bit of spinning a tale for the tourists (pardon my pun).
posted by kariebookish at 2:36 PM on October 3, 2012 [3 favorites]


- My mother made me a homosexual.

- If I gave her the wool, would she make one for me?
posted by Segundus at 2:40 PM on October 3, 2012 [3 favorites]


My friend will be very excited by your link, kariebookish-- even if she has seen it.
posted by jamjam at 3:05 PM on October 3, 2012


Wool Man is the opposite of Flesh Man in that in the latter, shrinkage happens in cold water.
posted by maxwelton at 3:07 PM on October 3, 2012


I watched this feeling sad and I honestly think I need a knitted boyfriend.
posted by bquarters at 3:14 PM on October 3, 2012


There's always a snag.
posted by roger ackroyd at 3:39 PM on October 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


a cautionary tale (for boogieing to)
posted by Pallas Athena at 3:53 PM on October 3, 2012


I bet the mustache would have been easier to do with crochet. Or does that break the rules?
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 4:00 PM on October 3, 2012


ha, Segundus, I came in here to say that. MeFi never disappoints.
posted by fiercecupcake at 5:19 PM on October 3, 2012


Nice raglan shaping!
posted by smirkette at 7:19 PM on October 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


Also: I wonder if/when she had to frog this, did she feel a little like she was conducting voodoo?
posted by smirkette at 7:19 PM on October 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


For girls who have found dog-as-relationship-substitute too complicated?
posted by kjs3 at 7:39 PM on October 3, 2012


I finally just watched the Savoy Ballroom song linked above.....what does it say of me that my immediate reaction to a couple scenes was "but that's crochet, not knitting"?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:55 PM on October 3, 2012


Ravelry had a couple of mohair fetish links.

http://craftastrophe.net/2009/03/weirdest-family-matching-outfits-possibly-nsfw/
and
http://www.craftfu.mikania.com/archives/mohairknitter_mondays/
and
http://kidmohair.thumblogger.com/
and
http://lady-mohair.com/
posted by wenat at 8:43 PM on October 3, 2012


This is particularly hilarious coming directly after the conversation I had last night about the general wrongness of cashmere underwear.

Are you kidding? I don't think I knew this existed but just the thought of cashmere underwear is thrilling to me.
posted by kenko at 9:18 PM on October 3, 2012


*pulls thread, walks away*
posted by BitterOldPunk at 3:34 PM on October 3


If you want... to destroy... my boyfriend...
posted by nanojath at 10:02 PM on October 3, 2012 [3 favorites]


I like to curl up in bed with a good yarn.
posted by Segundus at 12:30 AM on October 4, 2012 [2 favorites]


*buys kitteh*
posted by infini at 8:39 AM on October 4, 2012


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