Comments on: How To Steal The Space Shuttle: A Step-By-Step Guide

How To Steal The Space Shuttle: A Step-By-Step Guide

Egg Shen — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 14:19:06 -0800

How To Steal The Space Shuttle: A Step-By-Step Guide

By: zippy

zippy — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 14:27:10 -0800

The fatal flaw? Once Switzerland purchases spare parts from US government contractors at retail, they will be bankrupted.

By: justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow

justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 14:37:42 -0800

I'd sneak it out of there in the lunchbox in my hand, one piece at a time. I might end up with a space shuttle that's got five Rocketdyne F-1 motors and Little Joe solid rocket boosters, but I'll have the only one there is around.

By: Brandon Blatcher

Brandon Blatcher — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 14:38:46 -0800

Plus, the Swiss have a national airline, which we'll need, and the resources to buy the 20 heavy-lift helicopters (each can lift over 30,000 lbs, so ten could lift the shuttle orbiter) and a surplus, abandoned Soviet Buran Shuttle. Buran looks different from the Shuttle. Plus it was destroyed back in 2002, when the hangar it was sitting in collapsed. And do you really want to deal with the ice striking the Shuttle problem? Never mind the fact that Switzerland is far from the equator which means the ship will require more fuel and thrust to launch the same weight. Finally, James Bond villains are fictional, duh.

By: killdevil

killdevil — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 14:39:51 -0800

Maybe I'm just feeling uncharitable today, but as an attempt at humor this falls flat. More seriously, the Smithsonian was taken aback by the degree to which NASA stripped the shit out of Discovery, the shuttle they took delivery of a few months back. They went out of their way to remove components with even the slimmest possibility of reuse, leaving the shuttles nonfunctioning shells. Archivally speaking, NASA's behavior feels a little short-sighted to me.

By: zompus

zompus — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 14:55:00 -0800

Sounds like it would be cheaper and easier to build your own space shuttle. The US Shuttle isn't made of Unobtanium, is it? You could save a lot of weight in improved computer systems alone.

By: Kid Charlemagne

Kid Charlemagne — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 15:05:36 -0800

The fatal flaw in this plan is that they took all the guts out of the space shuttle prior to shipping it to LA. I think Dr. Maybe needs to spend more time scooping his Persian cat's litter box.

By: beagle

beagle — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 15:07:46 -0800

In my day, we dreamed about how to Hijack the Starship ("Ought to be ready about 1990").

By: Danf

Danf — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 15:14:31 -0800

If I were a resident of South LA, I would feel a bit peeved that this venture is resulting in dozens and dozens of large street trees removed, but "significantly reduced public access to the shuttle route. The Los Angeles Police Department announced this week it would close off most sidewalks along the way, making it difficult, if not impossible, for the public to see the shuttle go by." So you are dragging this thing through our neighborhood and preventing me from watching it go by? Serve you right if it IS stolen.

By: Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish

Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 15:24:02 -0800

I'm pretty sure Lupin did this at least three times.

By: Jehan

Jehan — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 15:36:36 -0800

There's one teeny tiny flaw in this: of all space hardware available in the world, why the hell would you want a Space Shuttle? Unless you've financially and morally over-invested in it (hi NASA!), I don't think you would look at it twice.

By: autopilot

autopilot — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 15:57:15 -0800

Brandon, you're right that "Switzerland is far from the equator [45 N] which means the ship will require more fuel and thrust to launch the same weight", although the Shuttle was designed for operation from Vandenberg AFB Space Launch Complex 6 at 35 N and has sufficient delta-V for the operation. For certain orbits, such as the polar orbit of the planned (but not flown) STS-62A, the higher latitude is not an issue since the launch direction is due south rather than east using the rotation of the earth as a boost. In that case the higher elevation of Geneva might be beneficial since there is less sea-level dense atmosphere to climb through.

By: ckape

ckape — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 15:57:23 -0800

Seems like a lot of effort when you can get to the moon with a well stocked junkyard and rented computer time

By: RobotVoodooPower

RobotVoodooPower — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 16:05:25 -0800

"The answer is no. I am therefore going anyway. One quarter impulse power." (nothing happens) "Shit, where do we get liquid hydrogen?"

By: hellojed

hellojed — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 16:33:43 -0800

I'm almost certain you could just take steal shuttle with a handful of fake badges, a truck, and some dudes in hardhats. Just look like you know what you're doing, nobody is going to call in someone stealing a shuttle.

By: entropicamericana

entropicamericana — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 16:47:18 -0800

People get paid to write this stuff?

By: Brandon Blatcher

Brandon Blatcher — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 16:56:34 -0800

although the Shuttle was designed for operation from Vandenberg AFB Space Launch Complex 6 at 35 N and has sufficient delta-V for the operation. Oh please, don't tell you believe the Shuttle actually sent people into space?! Everyone knows that Americans haven't been into space since Apollo. Skylab was a hoax too!

By: scaryblackdeath

scaryblackdeath — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 17:11:08 -0800

The most important thing when stealing a spacecraft is to ensure that it has not-quite-adequate cosmic ray shielding. Otherwise, what's the point? ...oh. And to not be the pilot. It won't turn out quite as well for him.

By: retronic

retronic — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 17:21:25 -0800

I know this guy! The author, Jason Torchinsky, is a very talented, hilarious dude, who I came to know through the Van Gogh-Goghs, a comedy group that relocated to LA and was behind the internet-famous furnitureporn.com site (NSFW if you are likely to get busted for looking at a fake porn site featuring "hot, triple XXX chair-on-chair action!"). Nice to see him getting widespread exposure on this.

By: MCMikeNamara

MCMikeNamara — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 17:25:00 -0800

I agree that the idea/plan as a whole fell flat but any opening paragraph that ends with: Which, of course, got me thinking. Could someone steal the Space Shuttle? is pretty boneriffic, Gawker Media be dammed.

By: LastOfHisKind

LastOfHisKind — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 17:25:50 -0800

More seriously, the Smithsonian was taken aback by the degree to which NASA stripped the shit out of Discovery, the shuttle they took delivery of a few months back. Do you have a link or citation for this?

By: orme

orme — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 18:02:32 -0800

Shit, I was gonna steal it by impersonating the ghost of Neal Armstrong and convincing everyone that God needed me to save the planet by running one last mission. Glad I read this first.

By: Etrigan

Etrigan — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 18:21:29 -0800

By God, it's just crazy enough to...be crazy.

By: mazola

mazola — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 19:08:43 -0800

*This* is how you steal a space shuttle.

By: univac

univac — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 20:44:16 -0800

I think I took an Arduino class from this guy.

By: flaterik

flaterik — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 21:42:15 -0800

I'm almost certain you could just take steal shuttle with a handful of fake badges, a truck, and some dudes in hardhats. That is exactly how Harvey Mudd students stole Cal Tech's cannon.

By: homunculus

homunculus — Fri, 05 Oct 2012 22:27:53 -0800

Ad Will Show Toyota Truck Hauling Endeavour, Will Shoot During Transport

By: dephlogisticated

dephlogisticated — Sat, 06 Oct 2012 01:33:38 -0800

Archivally speaking, NASA's behavior feels a little short-sighted to me. NASA's budget, as a percentage of federal spending, is lower than it's been since 1960. They can't afford to lose money by giving away equipment that can otherwise be reused or sold. Every dollar lost is one that's not being used to fund active projects or maintain valuable staff. I agree it's unfortunate, but I also don't blame them.

By: dry white toast

dry white toast — Sat, 06 Oct 2012 05:56:12 -0800

Shit, I was gonna steal it by impersonating the ghost of Neal Armstrong and convincing everyone that God needed me to save the planet by running one last mission. Glad I read this first. Excuse me. What does God need with a ~~starship~~ space shuttle?

By: easily confused

easily confused — Sat, 06 Oct 2012 07:29:06 -0800

Just a couple basic things to consifder: *So what, as you fly the shuttle hooked up to all those helicopters, nobody is gonna notice?!? Sheesh. Giant smoke-bomb or not, there's no way you won't be seen and heard --- and tracked. *You've got to design, test and build a specialized, extra-humongeous submarine, 'cause have you seen how big a shuttle is? Consider not just the lenght of the thing, but also the wingspan and the tail height, as well as the dead weight of it! Plus when you open the sub's cargo bay to insert the shuttle, you're letting in a mass and tonnage of seawater that, all by itself, is probably enough to sink that sub. (Yeah, subs pump water in or out to increase/decrease their bouyancy, but not that much water.) *747 pilots, helicopter pilots, ground crew, sub crew, fabricators, painters and mechanics, just for a start: where will you get them? Minions-R-Us?

By: hypersloth

hypersloth — Sat, 06 Oct 2012 12:24:40 -0800

Plus it was destroyed back in 2002, when the hangar it was sitting in collapsed. There is however a replica in Samara.

By: Brandon Blatcher

Brandon Blatcher — Sat, 06 Oct 2012 16:43:09 -0800

That's what they want you to believe!

By: hwyengr

hwyengr — Sat, 06 Oct 2012 18:12:12 -0800

Maybe I'm just feeling uncharitable today, but as an attempt at humor this falls flat. Don't feel bad. That's every day at Jalopnik.

By: Room 641-A

Room 641-A — Sat, 06 Oct 2012 20:49:10 -0800

You'll have to get close enough first. ABC-7 TV:

The LAPD says most of the shuttle's street route will be closed to the public for safety reasons

In an interview I saw last week one police officer said, "We are actively discouraging people from coming out to see the Space Shuttle." Riiiiight.