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Everybody yields to S.H.I.E.L.D.
October 9, 2012 5:35 AM   Subscribe

Added to the list of songs banned from performance at S.H.I.E.L.D. Karaoke Night is “Cold As Ice” by Foreigner, even if, ESPECIALLY if, you are Mr. Stark singing it to Capt. Rogers with “sulky puppydog eyes.” -- From the desk of Nick Fury, Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division, to whom it may concern (singleTumblrlink)

Nick Fury has a lot on his plate, what with leading the defences of the free west against the evils of, well, everything, as director of S.H.I.E.L.D., but as his memos show, his own agents aren't exactly helping either.

Some examples:

The agents responsible for taking Captain Rogers to a screening of Quentin Tarantino’s ‘Inglourious Basterds’, and convincing him that was how the war ended, have been identified, and have forfeited their furlough time until they provide him with a proper History textbook and debrief him.]

Effective immediately, incident reports that commence with “My Dearest Princess Celestia” will not be accepted as formal paperwork for any post-mission debrief.

All personnel will please cease asking Dr. Reed Richards whether his abilities allow him to “stretch ANY part of his anatomy.” The joke has gotten old, and the fact that Dr. Richards never gets it is, frankly, more embarrassing than the innuendo


Doctors Banner, Ross, Foster, and Pym are reminded that there is no need to “double check” anything tested on Mythbusters, especially not during work hours.
posted by MartinWisse (40 comments total) 31 users marked this as a favorite

 
OK, 'Lokisday' was pretty good.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 6:16 AM on October 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


All agents are reminded that there is no official S.H.I.E.L.D sponsored pool on the number of times Mr. Stark will be required to take the sexual harassment seminar in a given month.

Right about there is where I stopped wanting to dislike this.
posted by JaredSeth at 6:28 AM on October 9, 2012


that there is no need to “double check” anything tested on Mythbusters

No offense to MeFi's Own and as much as I love MythBusters: BS
posted by DU at 6:30 AM on October 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good tumblr, must be in want of a picture of a cat in a costume.”
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:38 AM on October 9, 2012 [4 favorites]


That header on their memo paper is really terrible, what with the S, T, and half of the R awkwardly overlapping the round logo.

I call fake.
posted by item at 6:39 AM on October 9, 2012 [3 favorites]


S.H.I.E.L.D. sounds like a great place to work.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:12 AM on October 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


Well, after all, Steve Rogers spent 30 years frozen in an iceberg. It would be a bit cruel to sing that to him.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 7:14 AM on October 9, 2012


Well, after all, Steve Rogers spent 30 years frozen in an iceberg. It would be a bit cruel to sing that to him.

In the Marvel Cinematic Universe it's closer to 65 years or so. Poor Cap.
posted by kmz at 7:17 AM on October 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


Someone's been reading my dream journal again.
posted by The Whelk at 7:39 AM on October 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


besides everyone knows the song you sing to Captain Rogers with sulking, puppy-dog eyes is this

i mean c'mon people
posted by The Whelk at 7:52 AM on October 9, 2012


I really wanted these to be funnier than they are.
posted by Thistledown at 7:55 AM on October 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


There's a tagline.^
posted by y2karl at 8:04 AM on October 9, 2012


Metafilter: There's a tagline
posted by The Whelk at 8:07 AM on October 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


More of this sort of thing--particularly if adopted by Marvel--would really help make the "new" Nick Fury worthwhile. Sam Jackson is a national treasure unto himself, but thus far the new Nick Fury has absolutely nothing on the original grouchy WW II vet Nick Fury.

I totally agree that ethnic diversity is important and should be given more attention. But if we're going to re-make characters to make it happen, the creators need to bring more to the table than "Like the original, but with less personality and more... um... more... oh, gosh, I'm gonna get in trouble for pointing out that he's black, aren't I?"

...also, I liked quite a few of these. :)
posted by scaryblackdeath at 8:42 AM on October 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


Meanwhile, the first real details on the SHIELD TV Show
posted by The Whelk at 8:47 AM on October 9, 2012


That header on their memo paper is really terrible, what with the S, T, and half of the R awkwardly overlapping the round logo.

Noted.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 10:00 AM on October 9, 2012


Any card that is capable of making Agent Romanoff blush is inappropriate for play at S.H.I.E.L.D. facilities.]

Natasha does not blush. She calmly considers how to kill you with the card.
posted by The Whelk at 10:03 AM on October 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


God, these are great. Especially the ones where Nick almost kinda wants to go along with them.

"Pop culture trivia contests between Thor Odinson and Capt. Rogers are banned, as they are physically painful to watch."

"The “Unfun Nick Fury” meme can stay, so long as it remains confined to the SHIELD intranet."
"The next person to paint a skull and crossbones on my eyepatch, or make a pirate joke, or even reference pirates in my general vicinity will find that I can good-naturedly play along and make my crewmembers walk the plank."
"In the meantime, Mr. Stark has been ordered to knock it off, on general principle."
"Regarding next year’s Division Picnic: Blocks of ice containing Captain America action figures will not be tolerated in the punchbowl."
"Mr. Stark is advised that developing a smartphone game called “Angry Hulk” is both bad public relations and likely to irritate Dr. Banner."
"Although we appreciate Dr. Banner’s honesty about potential triggers, and are happy to accommodate him as needed, he is not to abuse this privilege. We will no longer be accepting the excuses ‘Debriefings make me angry,’ ‘Long lines make me angry,’ or ‘Not getting a bonus makes me angry.’"
"S.H.I.E.L.D. personnel are reminded that while it is mandatory to read all distributed memos, and it is only natural to read them in my voice, reading them aloud while doing an impression of my voice is not encouraged. On a related matter, Mr. Stark will be filling in for our janitors this week while they enjoy a much needed leave of absence on Mr. Stark’s second largest yacht."
"Here at S.H.I.E.L.D. we maintain a comprehensive recycling policy. Therefore, Thor is asked to cease expressing his pleasure with anything in a glass container by smashing it on the ground and crying out, “ANOTHER!” as it makes the glass impossible to recycle."
"Swing was a popular type of music during Capt. Rogers’ youth. Please stop signing him up for swinging websites and encouraging him to attend swingers parties under false pretenses."


Poor Captain Rogers, always the historical buttmonkey.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:45 AM on October 9, 2012 [2 favorites]


someone just sit the man down with wikipedia and safe search turned on.
posted by The Whelk at 10:49 AM on October 9, 2012


I basically glanced at this and assumed it was posted by The Whelk. And then felt vindicated when I saw his comment.
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 10:51 AM on October 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


Best post since the Hulk Out list.
posted by Foaf at 10:53 AM on October 9, 2012


I really, really want to work for Tony Stark now.
posted by Ber at 11:09 AM on October 9, 2012


There are about 40 emotionally scarred personal assistants who had that exact same thought.
posted by The Whelk at 11:10 AM on October 9, 2012 [4 favorites]


scaryblackdeath, it's funny that you say that because Sam Jackson playing Nick Fury is one of the only roles in which I've enjoyed his performance in years. He tends to add a bit of kitsch, which typically irritates me. Then again, I didn't read a lot of comics with Fury so I couldn't speak to accuracy.
posted by staccato signals of constant information at 11:16 AM on October 9, 2012


Then again, I didn't read a lot of comics with Fury so I couldn't speak to accuracy.

It's not an issue of accuracy; I don't think Sam Jackson (or the writers, or directors) are even remotely trying to emulate the original. They're going for something new. Thing is, I haven't seen much of anything actually developed there.

The original Nick Fury was a WW II vet injected with an experimental longevity drug toward the end of the war. (IIRC, he was injured/hurt, and some scientist wanted to hide his formula in Fury's bloodstream before the Nazis found him or something.) Fury was essentially a hard-bitten, blue-collar, cigar-chomping infantry sergeant who got vaulted to leadership of SHIELD. Take a good James Bond flick and cast Lee Marvin at his grouchiest to replace Connery or Craig or whoever and you have a solid Nick Fury adventure. (Yes, it seems like a train wreck, and that was always part of the gag.)

On top of all that, Fury's job entailed dealing with all the superpeople crazy... and Godzilla, too, 'cause for a while in the '70s Marvel had the comic rights from Godzilla and made his comic part of regular continuity.

He was hilarious. he was compelling. He was awesome. And as much as I love Sam Jackson, they just aren't even swinging for the fences with it, let alone hitting any runs with this new character.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 11:26 AM on October 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


That's because New Fury originated in Marvel's latest attempt at a New Universe, Ultimate Marvel, created by Mark Millar or somebody similar explicitely as Samuel Jackson playing the same badass he always plays, tough enough to keep superheroes in line.

When the Marvel Universe proper was first created, having Nick Fury, director of SHIELD and ex-CIA agent also being a WWII veteran was of course much more believable than it is now, it being less than twenty years after the end of the war when he first appeared (and Ben Grimm used to be a fighter pilot, while Reed Richards was part of the OSS). Captain America was a man out of time, but the men of his generation not stuck in an iceberg were all still active and going on with their lives and over the years he would meet quite a few people who remember him saving their squad at the Bulge or in Italy or whatever. It's only in the mid to late eighties, when that generation is almost completely retired that it all starts to look a bit strange. It's at roughly the same time, early to mid eighties that Marvel finally completely abandons the idea that their heroes are aging in real time. It's all the fault of Franklin Richards of course.
posted by MartinWisse at 12:10 PM on October 9, 2012 [3 favorites]


Why is Loki hanging out with SHIELD? Shouldn't he be either off doing super-villainy or in confinement?
posted by Apocryphon at 12:39 PM on October 9, 2012


Odin decided that the only fitting punishment for Loki would be to endure endless HR meetings at SHIELD.

It was truly the most terrifying torture the Midgardians had ever designed.
posted by The Whelk at 12:48 PM on October 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


MartinWisse, I'm aware of the "let's turn everyone but Peter Parker into a total prick" universe, and that was cute and all... but again, they really haven't done anything with the Sam Jackson Fury to give him any real personality. This fan-created tumblr meme is the closest thing to it that I've seen so far. That's my biggest issue.

Original Nick Fury is awesome. His age isn't really an issue; it's comic book superheroes, y'know?
posted by scaryblackdeath at 12:57 PM on October 9, 2012


I agree with scaryblackdeath and the others who miss the old, cigar-chomping, WWII vet Nick Fury. In an alternate universe, perhaps someone made a movie of the first SHIELD vs. Hydra storyline from the 1960s, back when Clint Eastwood was still young enough to have played Fury convincingly. I've always thought the whole sequence in "Find Fury or Die!" with Fury entering SHIELD's NYC headquarters and the Hydra attackers getting caught in the booby-trapped warehouse was practically a storyboard for a cool action scene just waiting to be made on film....

I like Sam Jackson just fine, and I understand why they wanted/needed to reboot the character, but I still like the old Fury (and the presence in SHIELD of former Howling Commandos Dum Dum Dugan and Gabe Jones, who rejoined their old boss back when he was first hired as the director of what then was called the Supreme Headquarters International Espionage Law-Enforcement Division.)
posted by Nat "King" Cole Porter Wagoner at 1:00 PM on October 9, 2012


...I should note that Gabe and Dum Dum, while also totally lovable, DON'T make any sense. They were never given the same longevity drugs that Fury received.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 1:12 PM on October 9, 2012


Oh come on, you just know Fury gave them a swig of the old formula every now and again; I'm sure he did the same for aunt May, who has been nearly dying since the early sixties.
posted by MartinWisse at 1:49 PM on October 9, 2012 [3 favorites]


Aunt May is secretly a vampire there I said it.
posted by The Whelk at 1:52 PM on October 9, 2012 [4 favorites]


Of all the reverse-engineered names that S.H.I.E.L.D. has stood for, I like the current incarnation best. It just sounds so damned bureaucratic. "...and Logistics Division"!
posted by dhartung at 2:08 PM on October 9, 2012


S.H.I.E.L.D. sounds like a great place to work.

Maybe you should apply for a job there.
posted by homunculus at 3:47 PM on October 9, 2012


scaryblackdeath: "I totally agree that ethnic diversity is important and should be given more attention. But if we're going to re-make characters to make it happen, the creators need to bring more to the table than "Like the original, but with less personality and more... um... more... oh, gosh, I'm gonna get in trouble for pointing out that he's black, aren't I?"

What?
posted by ShawnStruck at 4:09 PM on October 9, 2012


Certain close friends know of a certain intern at Stark Industries who is not having the world's best time right now
posted by The Whelk at 4:27 PM on October 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


Actually if you where going to sing Karaoke to Steve Rogers all puppy-eyed then really you need to do this version of the period hit.

Not that I've spent a lot of time thinking about singing to Capt. Rogers mind you. It's just being ...historically....accurate.

STEVE LOVE ME
posted by The Whelk at 11:16 PM on October 9, 2012 [2 favorites]


oh god I keep doing this
posted by The Whelk at 11:18 PM on October 9, 2012 [1 favorite]


I confess I like the old psychadelic Nick Fury comics, but damn, Samuel L. Jackson. I can't choose between them.

One advantage old Fury had-he had a hot spy girlfriend. Would it push the racial envelope too much to suggest that New Fury has a sex life?
posted by happyroach at 11:58 PM on October 9, 2012


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