Life Lessons in Charts & Graphs

October 15, 2012 10:40 AM

Although the heading is a little bucket-listy, I found many of the thoughts in 40 Things To Say Before You Die to be represented with insight in the form of charts and graphs.

Of course it's spread out over 5 pages, but here a one-page "Print Version" link. Page 5 has #s 1-5.

posted by achrise (79 comments total)

doesn't include "SOON THE WORLD WILL TREMBLE BEFORE MY MIGHT."
posted by The Whelk at 10:42 AM on October 15, 2012 [14 favorites]

Hey, y'all... watch this!
posted by RolandOfEld at 10:47 AM on October 15, 2012 [6 favorites]

"I REGRET NOTHIIIIIIIIiiiiiing..."
posted by AugieAugustus at 10:51 AM on October 15, 2012 [5 favorites]

Ripped from the headlines of XKCD.
posted by clvrmnky at 10:53 AM on October 15, 2012

"I had a really nice time with you two last night."
posted by nathancaswell at 10:54 AM on October 15, 2012 [17 favorites]

"You come from a long line of people who convinced others to sleep with them. Remember that."
posted by 256 at 10:54 AM on October 15, 2012 [13 favorites]

If you just reverse a lot of these you have my daily internal thought process.
posted by The Whelk at 10:55 AM on October 15, 2012 [6 favorites]

I imagine my deathbed (and by deathbed I mean "moment before which my consciousness is transferred to a genetically enhanced clone") will be comprised not of flashbacks to meaningful moments in my life but instead a montage of moments of esprit d'escalier in which I seethe vengefully over all the awesome snaps I neglected to bestow upon deserving combatants in various battles of wits.
posted by elizardbits at 10:56 AM on October 15, 2012 [17 favorites]

"You come from a long line of people who convinced others to sleep with them. Remember that."

You can almost hear generations of voices suddenly crying out as one: "oops"
posted by hal9k at 11:00 AM on October 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

"Follow that cab!" (Seriously, get in a cab and tell it to follow the one in front of you. Makes for a good adventure and the cabbie will think you are dark and mysterious.)
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 11:00 AM on October 15, 2012 [5 favorites]

I've always loved the sign I saw going in to burning man one year:

"Someday you will look back across these memories and plow directly into a parked car."
--Evan Davis
posted by poe at 11:00 AM on October 15, 2012 [5 favorites]

"I wish I'd spent more time reading glurgy lists with hard-to-understand graphics."
posted by DU at 11:02 AM on October 15, 2012 [18 favorites]

Ripped from the headlines of XKCD.

I don't think it is. These come from a longstanding blog that the author's been maintaining since 2006. I was somewhat surprised to find that neither the Forbes article nor the Forbes profile page of the author contained a link to her blog, even though it's mentioned by name.
posted by talitha_kumi at 11:06 AM on October 15, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'm not sure if I just don't get it or if this is actually as weak an article as it appears to be but, if it's the former, someone please educate me.
posted by asnider at 11:08 AM on October 15, 2012

I realize this proves I am a bad person who should die now, but I could only make it to page 2 before the sugar overdose and consequent desire to NEVER AGAIN say any of these things overcame me.

*lies swooning and cranky on ground*
posted by bearwife at 11:12 AM on October 15, 2012 [8 favorites]

41. "Enough is enough."

Know when to fold 'em. Sometimes ideas that seem great at first don't end up working as well as you planned. Like trying to make charts to illustrate 40 different phrases in order to make them seem more profound than they actually are.
posted by snofoam at 11:23 AM on October 15, 2012 [8 favorites]

I prefer "40 things to die before you say".

It is what it is. YOLO.
posted by supercres at 11:26 AM on October 15, 2012 [18 favorites]

The revolutionaries thrust the motivational speaker against the wall. They asked him for his last words. He gave a speech that would have saved his life if he hadn't been shot mid-"potential" by a latecomer.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 11:31 AM on October 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

It is what it is. YOLO.

The guy who does the strip Questionable Content is trying to promote "You Obviously Like Owls" as an alternate meaning for "YOLO". I kind of like that.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:34 AM on October 15, 2012 [15 favorites]

That 'feature' is basically a black hole of cliche.
posted by empath at 11:35 AM on October 15, 2012

Something about the way this repackages the most treacly and brainless self-help clichés by wrapping them in a thin veneer of pseudo-nerdiness (nerdface?) is just amazingly symptomatic of what's gone wrong with the Internet's entree into mainstream culture. Being "geeky" isn't about being inquisitive anymore, but rather a look, a costume that you can put on (the same way a few posts down we have a guy who tried to run for office by packaging an utterly mainstream, relatively thoughtless platform as the SCIENCE! ticket). Depressingly, I think this is as perfect a formulation of the current zeitgeist — Chicken Soup for the Clickbaiter's Soul — as I've seen.
posted by RogerB at 11:35 AM on October 15, 2012 [20 favorites]

I imagine my deathbed [...] will be comprised not of flashbacks to meaningful moments in my life but instead a montage of moments of esprit d'escalier ...

Mine's going to involve some rejected and deeply repressed Christian teaching trying to convince me I'm standing for judgment before an avenging god. That god does not exist, and I will not be standing for judgment, but I spend a lot of energy anticipating that my death throes might involve a lack of perfect emotional control.

So I'm sort of training up to argue with that imaginary god about his stupid arbitrary rules. I don't need to win the argument or get into Real Heaven, I just need to hold out and keep arguing until I'm actually dead, at which point the argument will end. It's just a question of spending those last few seconds doing something more constructive than hallucinating perdition with all the attendant suffering and burning and pitchforks.

Since all this training for my final debate will involve me at least trying to be good as near as I can discern goodness while I'm still up and around, I think it'll be o.k.

I guess it's sort of an atheistic take on Pascal's Wager.

My wife has solved the same problem by embracing Zen Buddhism. With my upcoming new job and a chance to break out of some old ruts, I might give that a shot, too.
posted by mph at 11:36 AM on October 15, 2012 [5 favorites]

The guy who does the strip Questionable Content is trying to promote "You Obviously Like Owls" as an alternate meaning for "YOLO". I kind of like that.

yes yes
posted by The Owls at 11:36 AM on October 15, 2012 [24 favorites]

These "live, love, laugh" affirmations are usually scrawled on the stall doors of women's restrooms.
posted by four panels at 11:43 AM on October 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

Know when to fold 'em.

Well thanks for putting THAT song in my head. Though at least Kenny Rogers' fictional gambler could give you advice with a catchy melody behind it.

RogerB has nailed what I disliked about this with perfection. Chicken Soup for the Clickbaiter's Soul, indeed.

Even when I was young enough to be supposedly in need of advice, I always resented these kinds of pieces. At least getting older means fewer people think you look in need of their Pearls of Wisdom.
posted by emjaybee at 11:44 AM on October 15, 2012 [3 favorites]

"Only you get to decide when your life’s work is done."

Hahhahahahahahaha.

No. Your bum ticker, or the colon cancer, or that escaped tiger hiding in the neighbors hydrangeas....

As a rule, you don't get to decide when you're done. Better hurry up, then. You don't have much time.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 11:49 AM on October 15, 2012 [4 favorites]

Pogo_Fuzzybutt: " that escaped tiger hiding in the neighbors hydrangeas"

this privatized zoo is some bullshit I tell you what.
posted by boo_radley at 11:50 AM on October 15, 2012 [8 favorites]

nerdface?

This comparison makes me uncomfortable.
posted by IjonTichy at 11:52 AM on October 15, 2012

     |...........................X.|
Profound                    Cliche
posted by Horace Rumpole at 11:58 AM on October 15, 2012 [11 favorites]

This comparison makes me uncomfortable.

A friend of mine recently mentioned that he'd watched an episode of Big Bang Theory for the first time. His evaluation, which I'm equally uncomfortable with and unable to disagree with, was that it was a minstrel show.
posted by DU at 12:01 PM on October 15, 2012 [16 favorites]

"Sure wish I didn't miss those signals from interested women when I was in college."
posted by Burhanistan at 12:03 PM on October 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

These "live, love, laugh" affirmations are usually scrawled on the stall doors of women's restrooms.

IME it is usually giant cartoon dicks drawn in eyebrow pencil, actually.
posted by elizardbits at 12:11 PM on October 15, 2012 [4 favorites]

IME it is usually giant cartoon dicks drawn in eyebrow pencil, actually.

I thought that was only men's rooms. Nice.
posted by pupdog at 12:13 PM on October 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

“And all the time I've been on this earth, I have only one regret—I should have worked more.” – Jack Donaghy

[And yes, I just spent a few minutes of my life trying to find that clip, because it's best with Alec Baldwin's delivery.]
posted by NorthernLite at 12:16 PM on October 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

IME it is usually giant cartoon dicks drawn in eyebrow pencil, actually.

I thought that was only men's rooms. Nice.

When I run out of space on the men's room stalls, I move on to the women's.
posted by orme at 12:20 PM on October 15, 2012 [4 favorites]

A friend of mine recently mentioned that he'd watched an episode of Big Bang Theory for the first time. His evaluation, which I'm equally uncomfortable with and unable to disagree with, was that it was a minstrel show.

I stumbled onto this comparison myself while explaining to my Mother-in-Law, who loves that show, why I really don't care for it. It was not a well-received comment.
posted by SpiffyRob at 12:20 PM on October 15, 2012

Your bum ticker, or the colon cancer

I spent about ten seconds of my PRECIOUS LIFE just thinking about this.
posted by milk white peacock at 12:22 PM on October 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

I went in expecting good things. Made it to #35, agreed, and moved on.
posted by staccato signals of constant information at 12:25 PM on October 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

When I run out of space on the men's room stalls, I move on to the women's.

And you keep an eyebrow pencil on hand so it will be in character. Professional.
posted by localroger at 12:32 PM on October 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

After reading Supercres's link, I'm reminded of the time I wrote "IMHO" in an email to a Japanese art director. She came over to my desk wondering why I said "I am ho!" to her. "It's because I'm a dummy," I explained.
posted by Mister_A at 12:34 PM on October 15, 2012 [3 favorites]

And you keep an eyebrow pencil on hand so it will be in character. Professional.

Women's restrooms always have eyebrow pencils in the stalls, hanging from ball chains like bank pens. Ask any woman.
posted by orme at 12:51 PM on October 15, 2012 [4 favorites]

i put a million dollars under the...
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 12:55 PM on October 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

"You FOOLISH mortals cannot hope to defeat me, I AM INVINCIBL--" *explodes*
posted by Strange Interlude at 12:57 PM on October 15, 2012

Mister_A: ""It's because I'm a dummy," I explained."

This is good, but I like to imagine the conversation where you had to explain that ho and dummy aren't the same thing as well.
posted by boo_radley at 1:02 PM on October 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

This is like all the 'inspirational' crap that always shows up in my facebook feed.
posted by Afroblanco at 1:11 PM on October 15, 2012

17 THINGS I WILL TO SAY TO MY YOUNG CHILDREN BEFORE I OR THEY DIE

A List

by Doleful Creature

01. I love you no matter what
02. I love you no matter what
03. I love you no matter what
04. I love you no matter what
05. I love you no matter what
06. I love you no matter what
07. I love you no matter what
08. I love you no matter what
09. I love you no matter what
10. I love you no matter what
11. ALWAYS knock before opening a closed door
12. NEVER talk back to your mom
13. And even if you do talk back to her
14. It's going to be okay, go apologize
15. But seriously, don't do it again
16. Oh yeah and don't forget to check the Forbidden Knowledge Hope Chest I left for you. I think it's in the attic.

17. I love you no matter what. Everything else is gravy.
posted by Doleful Creature at 1:15 PM on October 15, 2012 [9 favorites]

...don't forget to check the Forbidden Knowledge Hope Chest I left for you.

Maximally uplifting if they discover that the chest is empty.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 1:43 PM on October 15, 2012 [3 favorites]

These "live, love, laugh" affirmations are usually scrawled on the stall doors of women's restrooms.

since I'm male, I haven't really spent much time in women restrooms. is there really that much graffiti in there?
posted by Dr. Twist at 1:45 PM on October 15, 2012

I prefer "40 things to die before you say"

"13. “Irregardless.” Also, wrong."

YES, YES IT IS WRONG
posted by ninjew at 1:46 PM on October 15, 2012

These graphs remind me that it was wise of me to be an English major.
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 1:50 PM on October 15, 2012

DU: A friend of mine recently mentioned that he'd watched an episode of Big Bang Theory for the first time. His evaluation, which I'm equally uncomfortable with and unable to disagree with, was that it was a minstrel show.

More true of The IT Crowd, where everyone is a deplorable stereotype, than BBT, where most main characters have human natures that transcend the stereotypes and show the person behind the genre they represent.

But then, the same can be leveled against The Drew Carey Show and The Office, I suppose.
posted by IAmBroom at 1:53 PM on October 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

I have something to say about so-called "geek culture" but I'm too sick to form it coherently, so instead I will comment on "YOLO:"

There's nothing actually wrong with "YOLO." I mean, white people don't seem to have any problem with the sentiment itself: when it's expressed in fancy-sounding Latin words as "Carpe Diem" we even give Robin Williams academy awards for it.

The issue with "YOLO" is mostly that's a) an acronym b) spawned by a pop rapper who many find annoying. (though I doubt most people who get their panties in a bunch over it even know who Drake is.)
posted by drjimmy11 at 1:54 PM on October 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

You come from a long line of people who convinced others to sleep with them. Remember that.

Sadly, this is not necessarily the case.
posted by Countess Elena at 2:05 PM on October 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

"pull my finger"
posted by nathancaswell at 2:06 PM on October 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

"I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit."

I know I'm going to get it right one of these times.
posted by Spatch at 2:10 PM on October 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

"pull my finger"

Diagram please.
posted by goethean at 2:19 PM on October 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

said 'em all already, I'm pretty sure, at least to myself.

Yet I don't feel ready to die just yet. Maybe I should shut this box down -- go for a walk, scream at the sky "Why? Why? Why?" Just for kicks, man, for kicks.
posted by philip-random at 2:38 PM on October 15, 2012

said 'em all already

You fool! If you don't say them all, you get to LIVE FOREVER.
posted by Greg Nog at 2:48 PM on October 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

now they tell me.
And the thing is, I never said "sorry" until yesterday.
Ran over some guy's dog while I was going at least 120 in a schoolzone.

"Sorry," I said. "Maybe your dog should've been wearing something reflective."
posted by philip-random at 3:02 PM on October 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

... and then, here's the weird part, I referred him to a graph.
posted by philip-random at 3:02 PM on October 15, 2012

The issue with "YOLO" is mostly that's a) an acronym b) spawned by a pop rapper who many find annoying. (though I doubt most people who get their panties in a bunch over it even know who Drake is.)

Personally, the bigger issue for me is that it is also the name of the county in which I live and I just spent 15 minutes trying to figure out what the hell it meant.
posted by mudpuppie at 3:14 PM on October 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

You fool! If you don't say them all, you get to LIVE FOREVER.

you're gonna learn how to fly HIGH
posted by elizardbits at 3:18 PM on October 15, 2012

THEY'RE GONNA REMEMBER MY NAME
posted by The Whelk at 3:22 PM on October 15, 2012

I always liked Fry's comment as he was being chewed on by a robotic tyrannosaur on an alien planet: "This is a cool way to diiiiiiiie!"
posted by BeeDo at 3:30 PM on October 15, 2012

"Come closer ... closer ... listen ... ahh yes .... guess what?"




"Chicken butt."
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:16 PM on October 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

"that rug really tied the room together" should definitely have been on the list.
posted by OHenryPacey at 4:26 PM on October 15, 2012

I prefer "I wonder where that road goes." then actually finding out.
posted by Ghidorah at 4:26 PM on October 15, 2012

Jessica Hagy previously (front-page post of mine some time back with links, unfortunately none of the previous posts are very well-tagged).

Depressingly, I think this is as perfect a formulation of the current zeitgeist — Chicken Soup for the Clickbaiter's Soul — as I've seen.

I'm sympathetic to this point of view, but Hagy has been at this for quite a while, so I'd personally give her a certain amount of authentic geek cred™ — her work has always been focused on form rather than content in the first place.
posted by whir at 5:03 PM on October 15, 2012

it always leads to like an Arbys' a cigarette-y woman named Vi.
posted by The Whelk at 5:03 PM on October 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

"I can't believe it's not butter"
posted by "Elbows" O'Donoghue at 5:10 PM on October 15, 2012

I'm frankly surprised #36 and its explanation saw print in Forbes. I thought the conservative gestalt was that each of them achieved everything by themselves without anyone's help.
posted by Renoroc at 5:36 PM on October 15, 2012

These phrases are only useful when they precede the words, "in bed."

Yes, just like fortune cookies.
posted by hhc5 at 5:39 PM on October 15, 2012

"yes yes" -- The Owls


THIS IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS.
posted by kengraham at 6:29 PM on October 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

DU: A friend of mine recently mentioned that he'd watched an episode of Big Bang Theory for the first time. His evaluation, which I'm equally uncomfortable with and unable to disagree with, was that it was a minstrel show.

DU, do we know each other IRL and not know it?
posted by kengraham at 6:34 PM on October 15, 2012

hhc5: These phrases are only useful when they precede the words, "in bed."

Yes, just like fortune cookies.

"Thank you for making this possible."

"I'm terrified."

"I did my best."

"I'm sorry."
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 7:37 PM on October 15, 2012

Also ...

"Not the Bees!"
posted by philip-random at 8:43 PM on October 15, 2012

in bed.
posted by philip-random at 8:44 PM on October 15, 2012

"Oh no, not again!"
posted by blue_beetle at 8:48 PM on October 15, 2012

I love you no matter what.

My daughter on hearing this immediately tried to come up with scenarios where I would no longer love her.

It turns out "Chelsea supporting Tory MP" is the official limit of parental love. Who knew.
posted by fullerine at 2:27 AM on October 16, 2012 [2 favorites]