The Stool Of Great Fright

October 19, 2012 6:06 PM

They've been around for over 20 years, but as a snack scourge, it's only recently taken its grip on American kids. It's "hyperpalatable," meaning eating it in large quantities can lead to symptoms mirroring addiction. It's been banned from school districts in several states, including one that was moving an amazing 150,000 units a year. Corner store owners report the item as their #1 seller, and that kids even eat them as breakfast. Just a tiny portion contains 160 calories, 17 percent of the daily suggested serving for fat and 250 MGs of sodium. And it's sending kids to emergency room with a frightening but basically harmless side effect. So what is this gastrointestinal menace? Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
posted by mreleganza (126 comments total)

munchin on my takis like I just don care
posted by koeselitz at 6:12 PM on October 19, 2012 [17 favorites]

much ado about..ah, what was that...oh yeah......nothing.
posted by HuronBob at 6:16 PM on October 19, 2012

Soon to be ursurped by flamboyantly hot Cheetos.
posted by Brocktoon at 6:16 PM on October 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

Do not eat more than one snack size bag of these a day. Trust me on this. They can burn as much on the way out as the way in.
posted by azpenguin at 6:18 PM on October 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

sometimes i almost believe in a benevolent god who has smiled upon me and made me lactose intolerant
posted by elizardbits at 6:19 PM on October 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

All over America, school kids can be seen stumbling around in Cheeto-induced dazes. Their eyes watery, their mouths ringed with the atomic red powder that gives the Cheetos their zest.

I kinda want this to be an actual thing and not a fake thing like rainbow parties and satanic ritual abuse.
posted by Ad hominem at 6:20 PM on October 19, 2012 [37 favorites]

Obligatory Family Guy link.
posted by Scottie_Bob at 6:20 PM on October 19, 2012 [5 favorites]

Cheetos' brand Flamin' Hot brand cheese flavored snack has been around 20 years now? I first recall seeing them in the mid to late 90s.
posted by wierdo at 6:20 PM on October 19, 2012

I'll donate to a Kickstarter project that can determine once and for all which is more disgusting: Doritios (any kind) or Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
posted by MattMangels at 6:21 PM on October 19, 2012

My last year of high school, I ate so many Crunchits (that's Canadian for Cheetos) the thumb and forefinger of my right hand were stained yellowy-orange. I looked like a 50 year old chain-smoker.
posted by looli at 6:24 PM on October 19, 2012 [5 favorites]

In honor of this thread, I just opened a bag of "Cape Cod kettle cooked waffle cut seasoned pepper all natural potato chips". And, yes, that is the correct name. Let me say that they are wonderful and did not make my mouth red...they go well with cheap Merlot.
posted by HuronBob at 6:25 PM on October 19, 2012 [11 favorites]

Many of my high school students LIVED on Flamin' Hot Cheetos. An enterprising student would buy a bunch in bulk and sell them out of a gym bag in the hallway at a moderate mark-up in the hallways during passing period.
posted by smirkette at 6:26 PM on October 19, 2012 [6 favorites]

I came in here to make a hot cheetos and takis reference and was beaten to the punch. Curse you koeslitz!
posted by KathrynT at 6:30 PM on October 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Cheezies are better. And probably less poopy.
posted by clvrmnky at 6:34 PM on October 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'm an Andy Capp Hot Fries man and I'll be an Andy Capp Hot Fries man till I'm dead and cold in the dirt.
posted by Science! at 6:34 PM on October 19, 2012 [21 favorites]

Cheetos are nasty. Can't stand how that powdery crap on them gets all over everything. Ugh.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:35 PM on October 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Eat them with chopsticks. No cheeze powder on your fingers.
posted by Ad hominem at 6:37 PM on October 19, 2012 [23 favorites]

Weird, I have a total junkfood weakness for Cheetos, and I love most things spicy, but I don't like Flamin' Hot Cheetos at all. They just taste like capsaicin and vinegar powder.
posted by threeants at 6:37 PM on October 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

The package says they're made with real cheese, so they must be good for you.
posted by Flashman at 6:37 PM on October 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

Yeah, I work in a remote rural village in the arctic and all the kids there are addicted to this stuff, even really little ones. Freaked me right out at first to see toddlers go for hot and spicy stuff, but they love it.

I've learned to enjoy them when hunting.

Of course they're like $13 a bag up there too.
posted by spitbull at 6:37 PM on October 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

Extra hot Cheetos: a thing I just do not get. But then I am mystified by hot-pepper love of any kind. I never taste anything but painful burning, with bonus burning belches and other unpleasant aftereffects. Vodka has much the same effect but at least gets me drunk.

If your kid is eating enough of anything red-colored to make their poop red (except maybe beets, though that would be an odd addiction) then you really need to change their diet.

Anecdata! My kid gets headaches and acts incredibly nasty if you give him Hawaiian Punch. Maybe it's the dye, maybe its' the dye+sugar, but it's like Instant Hateful Child Juice.
posted by emjaybee at 6:40 PM on October 19, 2012 [9 favorites]

I discovered these in the dense $0.99 bags at the convenience store around the same time I discovered Street Fighter II in the same convenience store. I wasn't much into hot food at the time but they along with Franks Red Hot helped usher me into an era of loving spicy food of all kinds, culminating in the gloriousness that is Sriracha.
posted by lordaych at 6:41 PM on October 19, 2012

I thought Flaming Cheetos were about as unnatural a red colour as could be. But then I had the sriracha tater tots at the Space Room in Portland and it was almost dazzlingly red. And delicious.

Bring back Cornquistos; offensive advertising and disgusting snack food, all rolled into one.
posted by Nelson at 6:44 PM on October 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

It's better than when everyone was chowing down on Silly Bandz.
posted by DU at 6:47 PM on October 19, 2012

I put Flaming Hot Cheetos in omelettes (my wife gets Tapatio flavored Doritos in hers). It is awesome and one of the finer points of living across the street from a 7-11.
posted by LionIndex at 6:47 PM on October 19, 2012 [7 favorites]

Can't stand how that powdery crap on them gets all over everything.

doodle dust is the stripper glitter of the snack world
posted by elizardbits at 6:48 PM on October 19, 2012 [22 favorites]

They really ought to make a fat-free version with Olestra
posted by Flashman at 6:51 PM on October 19, 2012 [7 favorites]

Cheetos' brand Flamin' Hot brand cheese flavored snack has been around 20 years now? I first recall seeing them in the mid to late 90s.

The earliest mentions of Flamin' Hot Cheetos in news articles indexed by Google is 1996.

I don't know whether this is because there's poor indexing before that, or because slow-rollout after test marketing means that there wasn't much recognition of them before that, or what.

NPR claims they were first released in 1991, which would make them over 20 at this point.
posted by hippybear at 6:52 PM on October 19, 2012

I have never been more glad to be allergic to a food. Cheetos are no temptation to me at all.
posted by spinifex23 at 6:55 PM on October 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Chester's chums choose chopsticks for cleaner claws.
posted by helicomatic at 6:55 PM on October 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

Funyuns will never lead you astray.
posted by anarch at 6:59 PM on October 19, 2012 [5 favorites]

I don't understand why anyone would even glance at a Flamin' Hot when there are (regionally, anyway) Jalapeno Cheddar Cheetos that truly taste like both jalapeno and cheddar. They are a thing of beauty.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:05 PM on October 19, 2012 [8 favorites]

Jesus Haitch Christ, the Cheetos guys couldn't buy this kind of advertising.

Or could they? When do campaign contributions come out?
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 7:06 PM on October 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

My neighborhood market has an aisle section about 50 feet long and seven feet high and two feet deep which has nothing in it but potato chips, corn chips, cheetos, pretzels. People in the checkout line have four or five sacks in their grocery carts. It is a spectacle.

There is a similarly sized aisle section for sodas and pop and soft drinks but it is a couple aisles over. I suppose if they were on the same aisle it would be a solid gridlock and there would be no getting through there at the store's peak traffic times.
posted by bukvich at 7:06 PM on October 19, 2012

Funyuns are one of those snacks which I try every 3 years or so, thinking I have better memories of them than I do. I get a bag, eat three, realize I don't actually like them, and then feel sad I spent the money. Ditto Bugles. (I don't eat much in the way of snack foods, I must admit. I'm a bit of a purist, and prefer Wavy Lays or Pringles, both without any flavored powders coating them. And actual tortilla chips, not Doritos. And none of those are eaten even monthly. I know, it's downright unamerican.)
posted by hippybear at 7:09 PM on October 19, 2012 [5 favorites]

I feel impoverished in my snack knowledge that I had never heard of Flamin' Hot Cheetos before 10 minutes ago. Not that I am tempted to eat these in the least. More for you all.

(Why, yes, I'll have some Bugles, much obliged.)
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 7:12 PM on October 19, 2012

So, perhaps inevitably, does anyone know which state fair was the first to offer these up deep fried?

Think in this case I'll just stick to sensible British cuisine.
posted by Wordshore at 7:13 PM on October 19, 2012

Weird, I have a total junkfood weakness for Cheetos, and I love most things spicy, but I don't like Flamin' Hot Cheetos at all. They just taste like capsaicin and vinegar powder.

I feel the exact same way, although, I confess, I assumed part of my revulsion is that I don't care for crunchy Cheetos, only puffy ones. I could eat a family sized bag of Puffy Cheetos in a sitting, and that, my friends, is why I had no choice but to go paleo.
posted by padraigin at 7:18 PM on October 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

We didn't get them in this part of New England until the second Bush's second term. They are smack in the middle of the intersection of sweet, salty, hot and savory. Plus, the cheetos lacerate the tongue just a bit, being fried corn paste like Cap'n Crunch... so the salt and the heat intensify beyond any level of comfort, causing an endorphin rush.

Those in New Orleans can attest that Jalapeno CheeWees is clearly the superior product... and Green Onion CheeWees are the snack food chosen by the enlightened.
posted by Slap*Happy at 7:18 PM on October 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

I once went to a peep show with an ex, admittedly to ogle and check it off my "been there, done that" list. There were privacy booths and the whole nine yards, but the thing I found most memorable about the place was the vending machine, which sold condoms, lube...and Cheetos. Like....why?!!! What a horrid combo.
posted by macrowave at 7:21 PM on October 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

Reading this thread while eating low-carb may be hazardous to your diet.
posted by Pope Guilty at 7:21 PM on October 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

you do these experiments high, right? because that's the only way funyuns are good after the age of 16.
posted by nadawi at 7:22 PM on October 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

re: powder - if you don't have chopsticks, a toothpick works really well. just stab it somewhere bulbous and bring it to your mouth.
posted by nadawi at 7:23 PM on October 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

I once went to a peep show with an ex, admittedly to ogle and check it off my "been there, done that" list. There were privacy booths and the whole nine yards, but the thing I found most memorable about the place was the vending machine, which sold condoms, lube...and Cheetos. Like....why?!!! What a horrid combo.

A man goes to a doctor and says "Doctor, I have a bit of a... personal problem."

"Well," says the doc, "you can tell me about it. I handle that sort of thing all the time."

"You see, my genitals are... they're bright orange."

"You'd better let me see it."

So the patient pulls down his pants, and lo and behold, so it is. The doctor is baffled, and asks him how long it's been going on. The patient says for several years now.

"Are you sexually active?" asks the doctor.

"No," says the patient. "But every couple of weeks or so I rent a skin flick and buy a bag of Cheetos."
posted by Pope Guilty at 7:24 PM on October 19, 2012 [8 favorites]

just stab it somewhere bulbous

nb also works against cheeto thieves
posted by elizardbits at 7:26 PM on October 19, 2012 [5 favorites]

We had a cat who loved these things! He'd sneak one, eat it, prance around in kitty pain and excitement, and then come back for another one when it subsided.

I feel the same way about them.

I seem to remember that when they were introduced, they only came in the 25 cent packs at the grocery store.
posted by gjc at 7:27 PM on October 19, 2012 [5 favorites]

MetaFilter: condoms, lube, and Cheetos
posted by hippybear at 7:43 PM on October 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

These were a large part of my middle schoolers' diets.
Scurvy was not unheard of in this group of kids.
Being shocked at oddly colored poop is just a sign that not enough people eat beets.
posted by Seamus at 7:43 PM on October 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm pretty sure this food product represents the apex of western culture. En Snackum Freidom Eternium!
posted by nowhere man at 7:43 PM on October 19, 2012

Yeah Flamin' Hot Cheetos are responsible for one of the most frightening moments in my life.
posted by griphus at 7:46 PM on October 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Extra hot Cheetos: a thing I just do not get. But then I am mystified by hot-pepper love of any kind.

Echoing Slap*Happy. Supposedly, when spicy food hits the tongue, the body thinks it is in pain and releases endorphins to counteract. This may be why I want super spicy Thai food when hungover. Or maybe, super spicy Thai food is just awesome on its own merits.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 7:47 PM on October 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

If you truly want to experience oddly colored poop, you have to go back in time a bit and get some of the Kool-Aid flavor Scary Blackberry, marketed under the trade name Ghoul-Aid. It had so much food coloring in it, it looked black when it was mixed up.

Drink even a small glass of it, and your shit came out the next day a glowing shade of Crayola pea green.
posted by hippybear at 7:49 PM on October 19, 2012 [5 favorites]

Echoing Slap*Happy. Supposedly, when spicy food hits the tongue, the body thinks it is in pain and releases endorphins to counteract.

A few weeks ago, my girlfriend and I had a craving for Buffalo Wings, and a bit of online research suggested Bonnie's in Park Slope. We walked over, got a table and ordered 10 wings, as well as some sandwiches. How would we like them - mild, medium, hot or extra hot?
Now usually restaurants hot sauce is fairly mild, at least to my taste - and I am not even a crazy hot sauce guy. So we ordered them hot.
After the first wing, I was out of water. By the time we ate the final wings, we were going to the bathroom in turns to rinse out our mouths. They were DELICIOUS, but also EXTREMELY PAINFUL.
The surprising side effect was that we found ourselves, essentially, high as hell. Staggering back home, we both felt as if we had taken a massive dose of some alienating drug. Very interesting - but next time I think we'll get medium!
posted by 235w103 at 8:00 PM on October 19, 2012 [8 favorites]

For a second I was seeing "Flamin' Hot Cheerios."
posted by Nomyte at 8:01 PM on October 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

Reading this thread while eating low-carb may be hazardous to your diet.

Basically all you people are monsters.
posted by The Whelk at 8:03 PM on October 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

I love dipping these in sriracha...I may have a capsaicin addiction.
posted by schyler523 at 8:10 PM on October 19, 2012

How do you have memebranes left?
posted by The Whelk at 8:12 PM on October 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

there was some orangey cereal i remember from elementary school that everyone was addicted to despite the fact that it gave you explosive oily orange farts. i remember so many orange-stained pants and teachers shouting and parents crying and nurses lecturing and general hilarity.
posted by elizardbits at 8:15 PM on October 19, 2012 [14 favorites]

For ...some people, when you stop eating really processed Doritos and the like and then you go and down an entire bag at the airport or something three years letter, can get the most horrible, unearthly, metal-eating sulfur farts imaginable and make life miserable for everyone else on the 11:30 to Montreal
posted by The Whelk at 8:18 PM on October 19, 2012 [5 favorites]

1. How are these any more "hyperpalatable" than any other junk foods which are high in fat and salt?

2. I want to try these.

3. Nacho crunchits, man. Nacho crunchits.
posted by asnider at 8:19 PM on October 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

which is more disgusting: Doritios (any kind) or Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

Unless Taco Bell begins selling a taco shell made from Flamin' Hot Cheetos the world may never know.
posted by mediated self at 8:20 PM on October 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Jax, for everything, just the right combination of mouthfeel, minor concession to actual cheese flavor, and total straight up packing peanut texture.
posted by The Whelk at 8:21 PM on October 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

1. How are these any more "hyperpalatable" than any other junk foods which are high in fat and salt?

You literally have to try them to understand. I put a bunch of these fuckers in my Subway sandwich and it's literally heaven.
posted by phaedon at 8:21 PM on October 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

They really ought to make a fat-free version with Olestra

Oooh. Revolting and brilliant.
posted by space_cookie at 8:22 PM on October 19, 2012

Are there any jetsetting Aussies or immigrants or emigrants or visitors or ANYONE who can answer a question for me?

Are Cheetos the same as Twisties?
posted by malibustacey9999 at 8:24 PM on October 19, 2012

Why anyone would eat those when there's Chili Cheese Fritos out there, I'll never know, but my girlfriend (a recovering Flamin' Hot addict) will eventually be along to this thread to explain why.
posted by item at 8:44 PM on October 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

In related horrible snack news, I tried the Nacho flavored Slim Jims the other day. They have an aftertaste of gas-station nachos. Sort of. They also contain no milk products whatsoever.
posted by griphus at 8:47 PM on October 19, 2012

EXISTENTIAL SLIM JIMS

SNAP INTO THE VOID.
posted by The Whelk at 8:49 PM on October 19, 2012 [21 favorites]

Reading this thread while eating low-carb may be hazardous to your diet.

I dunno, I was just thanking the powers that be that I don't eat this shit any more and thus have zero compulsions to go out and buy a Costco-sized sack of these.
posted by KathrynT at 8:54 PM on October 19, 2012 [2 favorites]

Junk food is less fun as an adult
posted by The Whelk at 8:57 PM on October 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Big Beef Chevy 4 Lyfe! Slim Jims are ok too I guess if they are the only beef lip based snack food available.
posted by Ad hominem at 8:57 PM on October 19, 2012

They also contain no milk products whatsoever.

And Baconaise is kosher. So...yeah...
posted by asnider at 9:03 PM on October 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

koeselitz: "munchin on my takis like I just don care"

What koeselitz is referencing.
posted by not_on_display at 9:03 PM on October 19, 2012 [4 favorites]

As a kid I absolutely loved that thick skin on Big Beef Chevys. It was my favorite part. As an adult I like the way Slim Jims coat the entire inside of my mouth in grease.
posted by griphus at 9:06 PM on October 19, 2012

Also I enjoyed OSTrim the sports jerky made from ostrich meat.
posted by griphus at 9:08 PM on October 19, 2012

I eat puffy cheez-doodles. I eat 'em one piece at a time. I'll pop one in my mouth and loll it around until the flavor coating disintegrates and the remaining piece becomes all shriveled and soft. I'll keep it in my mouth and taunt myself, up to the point where I'll simply go crazy if I don't just go ahead and swallow the mushy mass. And when I finally do--even though I'm ingesting what's now been reduced to a tiny bland ball of goop--it's oddly, maddeningly satisfying.
posted by jeremy b at 9:09 PM on October 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

How I, as an adult, approach all eating decisions.
posted by The Whelk at 9:11 PM on October 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Are Cheetos the same as Twisties?

Nope. They are quite similar, but not the same. Cheetos are more airy and have what seems to me a more simple flavor, where Twisties are a bit more dense and have a better mouthfeel to me. Interestingly, both brands are owned by Frito-Lay. If you have ever had the Twisties in New Zealand, those are closer to the Cheetos texture, although the flavor is not quite the same.

I also note that they sell something in Australia called Cheetos but they are totally different than our Cheetos. They are close to our Cheetos Puffs product.

I'm also pretty sure that Twisties are made with different grains (rice & corn, probably), where Cheetos are all corn.
posted by Lame_username at 9:31 PM on October 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

The second to the last article seems to suggest if your child has red poo after overindulging in these, it isn't necessary to rush into the doctor's office, because it's not really blood.

I respectfully disagree. You're letting your CHILD. OVERINDULGE. in Flamin' Hot Cheetos (tm). A doctor's office is precisely where you should be.

/NOT COLORED POO-IST
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:59 PM on October 19, 2012

As a kid I absolutely loved that thick skin on Big Beef Chevys. It was my favorite part. As an adult I like the way Slim Jims coat the entire inside of my mouth in grease.

Yeah, I still don't like the grease. Remember when Chevys were in a cellophane wrapper? Now that they are packaged like Slim Jims they are slightly greasier. They really aren't as good as they used to be.

I guess I owe it to myself to do a head to head taste test Slim Jim vs Chevy.
posted by Ad hominem at 9:59 PM on October 19, 2012

This crap is the scourge of classrooms everywhere. One of my former students got beat up by his classmates when he declined to share a bag with them. The worst part? The other kids didn't know it was probably the only thing he was gonna eat all day. :(

/crotchety old student teacher lady
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:24 PM on October 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

MetaFilter: just stab it somewhere bulbous
posted by wallabear at 10:26 PM on October 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

MetaFilter: memebranes

imonnarollhere
posted by wallabear at 10:35 PM on October 19, 2012

I have two words for you: Monosodium Glutamate.

It is the poison glue which holds Flamin Hot Cheetos, all Doritos, and most flavored (potato or corn) chip snacks together. MSG is in all those "treats".

Chances are if you are prone to headaches or migraines, you are ingesting MSG without even realizing it. Whenever I come across sufferers of chronic migraines, first thing I ask, "Do you eat Flamin Hot Cheetos or Doritos?"

About half the time I get, "OH MY GAWD I LIVE ON THOSE!"

Add instant ramen to the list, and I swear you can "cure" about 2/3 of all migraine suffers on the planet.

(I mean, jeez, glutamates are neurotransmitters. Who decided MSG was ok for adults much less for kids?)
posted by Mike Mongo at 10:46 PM on October 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos that thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains, the stains become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.
posted by "Elbows" O'Donoghue at 10:47 PM on October 19, 2012 [9 favorites]

Slarty Bartfast: “You're letting your CHILD. OVERINDULGE. in Flamin' Hot Cheetos (tm). A doctor's office is precisely where you should be.”

take away their spendin money & lock em in the basement, I say
posted by koeselitz at 11:13 PM on October 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

take away their spendin money & lock em in the basement, I say

The parents or the kids?
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:17 PM on October 19, 2012

the cheetos

I'm not a monster
posted by koeselitz at 11:18 PM on October 19, 2012 [5 favorites]

And it's sending kids to emergency room with a frightening but basically harmless side effect.

Nope, nothing wrong here.
posted by darksasami at 11:25 PM on October 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

On the MSG derail, you realize that it's a natural glutamate present in all sorts of thing, and was originally derived from kombu seaweed? That it is the source of the fifth flavor, umami? That there is yet to be a study that finds long term health effects from its usage?

I've never seen anyone get their migraines from eating either kombu or dashi flavored soups.

I'm not belittling migraine sufferers in the least, they are terrible things to go through (and I get them, albeit very rarely). It just seems that blaming MSG in the face of a complete lack of evidence is heacing into woo, much like people that claim to get migraines from wifi.

/derail. Please don't take my ramblings as a personal attack, Mike Mongo or any other Mefites.
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 11:31 PM on October 19, 2012 [25 favorites]

munchin on my takis like I just don care

i'm on point like a elbow, hands red like elmo
my mama said "have u had enough?"
i looked and i said "no ma'am"





This summer, inspired by the song, some of my friends did some Top Serious Research and confirmed that pain is Hot Cheetos and Takis leaving the body.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:35 PM on October 19, 2012

The second to the last article seems to suggest if your child has red poo after overindulging in these, it isn't necessary to rush into the doctor's office, because it's not really blood.

I respectfully disagree. You're letting your CHILD. OVERINDULGE. in Flamin' Hot Cheetos (tm). A doctor's office is precisely where you should be.

Why?
posted by sourwookie at 11:42 PM on October 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

For the poster way above who states they've successfully avoided the flaming hot Cheeto addition due in part to only liking "puffy" Cheetos..

The flaming hot flavor is available in regular (puffy, not crunchy) Cheeto form.

Now, if they would -finally- bring back flaming hot Doritos, their domination would be complete. (The Doritos version is MUCH better. I still remember the last place I saw them.. 1997 at a gas station in Fremont, CA)
posted by waxlight at 12:15 AM on October 20, 2012

Nutritionally the worst part of these is the second ingredient, vegetable oil. Corn, canola, and sunflower oils are all high in PUFAs (or polyunsaturated fatty acids). PUFAs will fuck your shit up!

Make Flamin' Hot Cheetos with coconut oil and they'd still be disgusting, but the negative health effects would be minimized (except for the SoGF).
posted by trombodie at 12:32 AM on October 20, 2012

These were HUGE at my middle school (around the turn of the millenium), it's sort of surprising to me that they just got this popular everywhere. I wonder if they changed the formula, or if it's just that I'm in New Mexico, where people have a higher tolerance for spicy foods anyway.

The hyperpaletable article mentions salt and fat, but not capsaisin, which I'd bet is the main thing hot cheetos have that other snacks don't (aside from prestige/ability to posture from eating a lot of spicy food in an imaginary dick size contest, as with alcohol tolerance, knowledge of bands, etc.)
posted by NoraReed at 1:39 AM on October 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm gonna have to scramble to a US import store to find some of these. The closest we have here in Knifecrime Island is Flamin' Hot Doritos, a snack I love just fractionally more than life itself. I could without exaggeration edit those delicious little bastards until I was sick, and quite possibly then continue to eat them dipped in the sick like some spicy, acidic dip.
posted by ominous_paws at 1:43 AM on October 20, 2012

Gaaaaaaah EDIT WINDOW CLOSED for the most ironic edit attempt possible
posted by ominous_paws at 1:49 AM on October 20, 2012 [5 favorites]

Remember the big news a couple of weeks ago about how kids refused to eat school lunches which now include salads, fruit, and things that aren't actually bad for them? And the parents up in arms because their precious snowflakes should get what they like to eat, and not nasty-ass things like green vegetables, which the kids are throwing in the trash because they've never eaten a lettuce leaf in their lives that wasn't glued to a burger with ketchup? I guess this is the natural result. "Natural." Hah.

Parents: your kids were born ignant, just like everyone else. That's why you have to teach them stuff, like that eating nothing but Flaming Hot Cheetos Brand Food-like Product (tm) will give them scurvy and make their gums bleed and their teeth fall out and then no one will want to take them to the Big Dance and make out with them awkwardly under the bleachers.
posted by 1adam12 at 1:50 AM on October 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

Do not eat more than one snack size bag of these a day. Trust me on this. - zpenguin

The Mexicans have a nice word for this: repica. It's "picas" going in as much as it does coming out.

p.s. holy hell, i leave for a week and return to the ability to edit a post? (post haste) OUTSTANDING MEFI!
posted by readyfreddy at 2:26 AM on October 20, 2012

I respectfully disagree. You're letting your CHILD. OVERINDULGE. in Flamin' Hot Cheetos (tm). A doctor's office is precisely where you should be.

Why?

Because you are lacking some basic information about the care and feeding of your child. Also you need to be assessed for other signs of abuse and neglect and Child Protective Services may need to notified.

Yes, if you allow your child to eat Flamin' Hot Cheetos (tm), YOU ARE ABUSING YOUR CHILD.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 3:29 AM on October 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

Cheetos are the one junk food that takes complete control over me when I open a bag, and these are just meh to me. I could understand this if the kids were going nuts over jalapeno cheetos...so far it is the only one that actually improves the original. God I love jalapeno cheetos...
posted by fromageball at 5:43 AM on October 20, 2012

I recently experienced this with a bag of Lays ketchup-flavored chips. The chips were a disgusting mix of spices and salt that didn't taste anything like ketchup, but I couldn't stop eating them even after it felt as though my tongue has been burnt to a crisp and sweat was beading on my forehead.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 5:57 AM on October 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

Two unrelated comments:

This reminds me of a minor plot point of Cujo. One of the characters was a children's cereal executive that had to deal with a food dye problem that made it look like kids were puking blood.

And I can't think of Cheetos without thinking of this Penny Arcade comic. Motherfucker loves Cheetos.
posted by flipper at 6:29 AM on October 20, 2012

Metafilter: burns as much on the way out as the way in.
posted by Twang at 7:20 AM on October 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

I put a bunch of these fuckers in my Subway sandwich and it's literally heaven.

Subway should train their staff to ask 'would you like fuckers with that, sir?'
posted by colie at 8:28 AM on October 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

Dear Satan or whoever made Flamin' Hot Cheetos:

I am not sure what you get from your cheeto fattened human hosts, but I will double whatever they are giving you for for just one more mother fucking bag of Rap Snacks.

This is how much I love Rap Snacks - I tried to buy some from a web order form that DID NOT HAVE SSL ENABLED ON THE PAGE. I was that desperate. Firefox was like "I'M YOUR FRIEND AND YOU SHOULDN'T DO THIS" and I was like "YOU AIN'T THE BOSS OF ME." And I tried it anyways. And then again about a month later.

I never did go pull a credit check after that, but it doesn't burn when I use the credit card so I think I'm fine, but I never did get that case of sweet sweet curls.
posted by jarvitron at 8:37 AM on October 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

When I was at school in the UK the cult snack was without doubt 'Scampi 'n' Lemon Nik Naks'.

They were shaped like a miniature orange cat turd and their incredible smell could detonate a classroom within seconds of the bag opening. Part of their teen appeal was that so long as you ate a bag at some point during the day, your parents would never detect the smell of cigarettes on you (although they may have wondered inwardly why you stank of rotting shrimp).

Scampi 'n' Lemon Nik Naks were eventually withdrawn by the manufacturer but popular demand brought them back:

http://www.just-food.com/news/scampi-n-lemon-flavour-nik-naks-back-by-popular-demand_id69556.aspx
posted by colie at 8:39 AM on October 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

Yeah, a friend of mine supplemented his quitting-smoking oral fixation with pickled onion Monster Munch, and we all united to ask him to start smoking again instead.
posted by elizardbits at 8:50 AM on October 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

Monster Munch Pickled Onion Flavour was the speedball of maize-based snacks. They also cured mouth ulcers.
posted by colie at 9:12 AM on October 20, 2012

just stab it somewhere bulbous and bring it to your mouth.

This is actually good advice for almost any occasion.
posted by adamdschneider at 9:16 AM on October 20, 2012

For a second I was seeing "Flamin' Hot Cheerios."

STARTUP IDEA!!!
posted by Juffo-Wup at 11:53 AM on October 20, 2012

I'm a little too old to have experienced this scourge directly. But I just read this post to my younger boyfriend, and he responded with, "Flaming Hot Cheetos? Oh, hell yeah!"
posted by lunalaguna at 1:53 PM on October 20, 2012

I can attest to Flamin Hot Cheetos coming about in the early 90's because I had a 2 bag a day habit back then. When I quit smoking and got my tastebuds back, I couldn't eat them anymore. Pretty much have given up on chips and such, but the con queso cheetos are a serious weakness. Flamin hot cheetos for adults.

Also here's a recipe for homemade cheetos that I have been tempted to try, but haven't gotten around to yet.
posted by billyfleetwood at 3:55 PM on October 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

I remember (~1997) when my dad bought me a bag of Cheetos for a bag lunch I had to bring to school for a field trip. He grabbed the Flamin' Hot kind instead of the normal. That did not go over well, but some other kids went nuts for them so it wasn't a total waste.

It would be several years before I could tolerate them, and that was even only with at least a glass of milk per bag. I even don't like any other spicy food.
posted by autoclavicle at 6:45 PM on October 20, 2012

For a second I was seeing "Flamin' Hot Cheerios."
I carry a shaker of dried hot peppers. There is nothing they don't make better.
posted by lathrop at 6:49 PM on October 20, 2012

So my 5 year old son decided to have a Lego Ninjago themed birthday party. He wanted a ninja shaped birthday cake. He specified that it should be the green ninja. So I made one. It looked something like this. Except cooler.
To assemble the cake, I made a nice butter cream icing and colored most of it green and the rest yellow and black. To color it I used insane amounts of paste food dye.

The day after the party I fielded multiple questions and comments from parents about the color of their kids poop. It was a horrible, horrible, unforeseen side-effect. Totally unforeseen. Really.

Kids love it when their shit is oddly colored. How out of touch with their bodies are the parents to mistake the bizarre color of FHCs with blood?
posted by Seamus at 10:48 PM on October 20, 2012

My 90-year-old grandmother loves regular cheetos. One day, she was hungry on the way home, she stopped to buy a bag. Her vision is going and of course she accidentally got the flamin' hot kind. When she got home, she told me she thought the bag of cheetos she bought had "turned." When I explained that there was a spicy version she was incredulous. "Who would WANT to eat something this spicy!"
posted by schyler523 at 9:34 AM on October 21, 2012

My cat's former babysitter (who is now in Afghanistan*) swore to me that the cat loved Cheetos. I thought about this for weeks, then set about to buy a bag of Cheetos to see if it were true. I know where to buy a box of organic hot-flavored freeze-dried local kale, sure, but no idea about Cheetos. When I got to the snack aisle, I was amazed that Cheetos only came in packages like king-size mattresses, so I bought a generic brand that came in a bag that was only pillow-sized. When I got them home, I immediately gave one to the cat, who sniffed it politely and walked off. Which means either the whole thing was a lie or he won't settle for generic. So then I wondered "What am I going to do with this giant bag of corn puffs?" Answer: eat the whole thing, leaving a permanent stencil of myself on the couch in orange powder.

*which proves that experience with cats is good training for active duty.
posted by acrasis at 10:14 AM on October 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

Unless Taco Bell begins selling a taco shell made from Flamin' Hot Cheetos the world may never know.

Volcano tacos. Not the same thing as Flamin' Hot, but similar. The Bell also had a burrito that contained Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
posted by gjc at 6:09 PM on October 21, 2012

On the MSG derail, you realize that it's a natural glutamate present in all sorts of thing, and was originally derived from kombu seaweed? That it is the source of the fifth flavor, umami? That there is yet to be a study that finds long term health effects from its usage?

I've never seen anyone get their migraines from eating either kombu or dashi flavored soups.

I'm not belittling migraine sufferers in the least, they are terrible things to go through (and I get them, albeit very rarely). It just seems that blaming MSG in the face of a complete lack of evidence is heacing into woo, much like people that claim to get migraines from wifi.

There is a difference between long term health effects and short term unpleasantness. MSG indeed causes headaches in people who are susceptible. I am one of them.

It is absolutely possible that the MSG itself isn't the cause, but that it potentiates some other thing like tyrosine (another guaranteed headache causer, for me). So if you test for just MSG, nothing will appear. But MSG-containing foods are definitely a trigger.
posted by gjc at 6:12 PM on October 21, 2012

gjc, I'm not doubting that you think some foods are triggers, through actions yet to be understood. But in your personal experience, have you ever had a migraine triggered through eating dashi or kombu-flavored soups? How about soy sauce, has that ever caused a migraine? Have you ever eaten the vegan/vegetarian flavoring favorite, Braggs? It's chock-full of tyrosine. I've eaten and served all these foods, without ever developing a migraine. I've also served them to friends/partners who got migraines at the drop of a hat. And from my anecdatal experience, not one migraine.

Now, all of this certainly looks like I'm in the pocket of Big MSG. I swear I'm not. I'm just a fan of increasing the tastiness of foods by adding umami whenever appropriate. As good foods get harder and more expensive to find, I'm trying to keep the flavor quotient high so that the people I cook for can keep enjoying nature's bounty. Keep on eating in the free world!

As for my migraines, I really wish that I could find something consistent to point to as a cause. It never seems to be the same thing twice. I'm fortunate that I get at the most two a year. Then I go to my cool dark place and drink grape juice. With Advil. Good luck with your migraines, gjc.
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 10:08 PM on October 21, 2012

This thread just makes me want to purchase and devour the biggest bag of Jalapeno Cheetos I can find. I like spicy foods, but I love spicy foods that taste great.
posted by owtytrof at 1:20 PM on October 22, 2012

Ugh. Unless you also get migraines from pizza, pasta, and other dishes full of tomatoes, STFU about glutamate giving you headaches. It's a neurotransmitter in your brain, at all times.
posted by legospaceman at 3:10 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

This thread convinced me to try jalapeño Cheetos (which are "new!" here), and they are delicious. Good job, whatever viral marketing machine set this discussion into motion.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 7:13 PM on October 22, 2012

Unless you also get migraines from pizza, pasta, and other dishes full of tomatoes, STFU about glutamate giving you headaches.

Yes, yes, yes, and NO!
posted by elizardbits at 9:08 AM on October 23, 2012

I'm not belittling migraine sufferers in the least, they are terrible things to go through (and I get them, albeit very rarely). It just seems that blaming MSG in the face of a complete lack of evidence is heacing into woo, much like people that claim to get migraines from wifi.

Begging your pardon, purposeful grimace, but you are wrong. How wrong? Wrong in the same way Mitt Romney is wrong. And that is by belittling another's viewpoint without being properly informed on the subject matter. And also by saying you are not doing that when that is in fact what you are doing.

Which of course does not change the fact that you were belittling 1) migraine sufferers who 2) react to ingestion of MSG by migraining and 3) then comparing people who are 1) and 2) to people you were intentionally setting up as easy to make fun of ie people who believe they get migraines from wifi.

I cannot speak on whether or not people get migraines from wifi. That's not my personal experience. However, my personal experience is that I eat MSG, I get migraine.

If it were just my personal experience, well then I suppose you could write it off as happenstance. However, it is hardly that. MSG—along with caffeine and alcohol—is the most commonly recognized trigger for migraines of all ingested substances.

MSG is made from seaweed so it's okay. That's your logic? Cyanide is made from almonds. Or how about cashews? Ever handle them raw or get the liquid from their fruit on your skin? (Don't, you may die.)

But let's say your egregious point was not to belittle migraine suffers or the countless people who have migraine triggered by MSG. Let's say your point was there is no "evidence" of a connection between them.

You mean other than the recent discovery of the TRESK gene which is thought to be the culprit behind migraines happens to be activated by glutamates? Here's a video explaining a little how that works.

It's called an allergic reaction. Not everyone has it. You don't, I understand. So again tell me how belittling people who do somehow makes your point better or stronger?

In the meantime, care for some almonds? I have some fresh ones!
posted by Mike Mongo at 9:00 AM on October 25, 2012