"Jack kept climbing beanstalks but none ever got him as high as that first one."

October 22, 2012 1:43 PM

fairy tales for twenty-somethings
posted by flex (48 comments total)

(via notnamed)
posted by flex at 1:43 PM on October 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

it was time to go to bed but cinderella kept reloading her facebook page, hoping one more person would like the link she’d posted to her photography. then another person did, her heart jumped, and she hit reload again. just one more, she thought.

oh man.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 1:48 PM on October 22, 2012 [11 favorites]

Aladdin should have posted an AskMe (which he'd then ignore and text her anyway).
posted by asnider at 1:49 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Well, this is excellent.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 1:50 PM on October 22, 2012

I'm cursed to reblog until baratunde @'s me.
posted by The Whelk at 1:50 PM on October 22, 2012

Fairy-tales for bitter twenty-somethings, it seems.
posted by oddman at 1:52 PM on October 22, 2012

I dont get the point. It's not clever. It's just another blog about the only 2 things 20 somethings like- the internet, and themselves. I feel like it wants me to go "Oh my god, yeah, that's so true!" after every story, but really I just go "So?".
posted by FirstMateKate at 1:55 PM on October 22, 2012 [5 favorites]

FirstMateKate: I was dismissive of ironic self-reference before you were, you...you... mainstreamer!
posted by anewnadir at 1:56 PM on October 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Wow, I'm glad I'm not a twenty-something, that stuff seems dire. Thankfully, when you reach your late thirties you can just kick back and watch Macgyver. Don't work twenty-somethings, just hold on and you will make it.
posted by Ad hominem at 1:59 PM on October 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

I totally thought it was going to be all "Got a living-wage job with health insurance!" but this was pretty well done all the same.
posted by psoas at 2:03 PM on October 22, 2012 [6 favorites]

Maybe I should start texting those kids to get off my lawn.
posted by Pudhoho at 2:03 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

The tortoise and the hare Facebook stalked each other. He might have a lot of money but I bet he doesn’t feel alive when he goes to work, thought the tortoise. The hare looked through the tortoise’s photos and thought, Being a writer in Brooklyn is so pretentious. The truth was that a part of each of them longed for the other’s life. How are you supposed to know you’ve chosen the right path?

That is absolutely beautiful. Seriously, this thing is supposed to be funny, and it is, but that is a concise summary of all the crap I've gone through in my 20s.

That is also why, at age 28, I find myself sitting dangling my legs out over the rail of the last train car and watching the tracks and buildings recede into the distance and holy shit I am glad to only have to be in my twenties just a little longer. I have a feeling that this is how people who didn't graduate high school/college with an overwhelming sense of existential dread felt like. My turn, fuckers!
posted by griphus at 2:07 PM on October 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

I promise, to any other generations that may read this, all 20 somethings aren't this pathetic. There are those who are proud to have grown up and think beyond themselves, we don't all pine to be children.
posted by karmiolz at 2:13 PM on October 22, 2012

Yeah, the hare and the tortoise ones are really well done: one - two - three
Also the little mermaid and chicken little and puss in boots... there's some great stuff.
posted by flex at 2:14 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Well, this did make me realize that one of the nice things about being in my 20's back in the 70's, is that, when I did/said something stupid (which was/is frequent), only one or two people found out about it. Must suck to be you guys!
posted by HuronBob at 2:15 PM on October 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

ADDITIONAL FAIRY TALES AND OTHER CHILDRENS BOOKS FOR TWENTYSOMETHINGS

The Girl Whose Father Paid the Rent

The Artist and the Loans in Forbearance

Too Many Housemates!

The Au Pair's Tale

The Littlest Apartment

The Bachelor, the Arts, and the Debt Collector

posted by The White Hat at 2:17 PM on October 22, 2012 [19 favorites]

The odd thing is that 20 somethings think that at some point in the future stuff starts to make sense. At first you are dismayed that you keep getting older and shit still doesn't make sense. Then you accept it will never make sense. They you are glad it will never make sense. There is no point at which you settle down. You can always change your path. Just because you got a tech job out of college doesn't mean you can't write a memoir, just becaus you spent years kicking around the country doesn't mean you can't get a 9-5 job. Your future is never cast in stone.

Being old is nothing like I thought it would be.
posted by Ad hominem at 2:18 PM on October 22, 2012 [15 favorites]

The Littlest Apartment

Oh, oh, I know this one!

The Brave Prince warned his Fair Maiden that she really needed to make sure not to touch the lefthand shower door pane because the evil previous tenant put a magic curse on it so that it would fall and smash the toes of whoever was bold enough to so much as brush against that piece of shit
posted by griphus at 2:18 PM on October 22, 2012 [12 favorites]

ug. god. so depressing. not what I need right now. Thanks for posting, tho.
posted by rebent at 2:22 PM on October 22, 2012

That was, of course, the sequel to the Tale of the Magic Lantern wherein Aladdin was instructed by the genie that were he to venture into the genie's Cave of Relief past sundown, to keep his eye on the switch to his magic lantern because the super wouldn't do jack shit about the wiring and the damn thing shut off randomly and you'd end up having to use the can in the pitch-dark if you weren't careful.
posted by griphus at 2:23 PM on October 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

"The Grasshopper spent all his time DJing at parties and hanging out with other people involved in the local music scene. Eventually, he received a degree of national exposure when Pitchfork gave his second album a good review, and was somewhat sought after as a producer, but by that time the booze and cheap cocaine had ruined his health. Meanwhile, the Ant looked at all the food he'd collected and thought, 'Sure, I feel secure now, but am I happy?'"
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:25 PM on October 22, 2012 [9 favorites]

the little mermaid was a human now but sometimes at an upscale party someone would say to her, “that’s a very unusual accent. where are you from?” her past haunted her. she could never escape who she used to be.


So that's what Bjork's deal is!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:29 PM on October 22, 2012 [4 favorites]

Also, I'd like to state that I do not understand the aversion people seem to have to these. Are they not striking home and relatable, and that's it? Do I like these because they're very, very much like what my friends and peers and I have gone through/are going through? I really want to know what people find so grating and obnoxious about them.
posted by griphus at 2:34 PM on October 22, 2012 [8 favorites]

You don't even have to change the Matchstick girl so it fits.

The Goose Girl should be about having rich friends.
posted by The Whelk at 2:35 PM on October 22, 2012

I liked that much more than I thought I would. Thanks.
posted by benito.strauss at 2:41 PM on October 22, 2012

Yeah, these were great, I thought. Though what does it say about my 20s that they were mostly not even this interesting?
posted by maxwelton at 3:09 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

Peter Pan studied the glowing words intently. Pushing forty, and yet he felt much more in touch with these 'Twenty Somethings' tha others apparently did. "Hmm," he thought, "I always sang about not growing up, but may be it isn't so much my choice." And he was glad he felt closer to twenty than sixty.
posted by meinvt at 3:14 PM on October 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

I loved it and I'm in my forties. I guess I must be maturing after all.
posted by aturoff at 3:24 PM on October 22, 2012

"...and then the Ugly Duckling realized he was actually a swan, and thought, 'Screw my parents and their hateful bullshit! I'm going to move to New York and get a role on Broadway!' He didn't, of course, but New York was still a million times better than fucking Missouri, even in the Winter."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 3:33 PM on October 22, 2012 [13 favorites]

griphus: "Also, I'd like to state that I do not understand the aversion people seem to have to these. Are they not striking home and relatable, and that's it? Do I like these because they're very, very much like what my friends and peers and I have gone through/are going through? I really want to know what people find so grating and obnoxious about them."


I dislike these because they make me feel sick about what my life has become.
posted by rebent at 3:39 PM on October 22, 2012 [2 favorites]

Adulthood has taught me that, if you're dissatisfied with your life, the most effective antidote is simply to lower your expectations drastically.
posted by Justinian at 3:40 PM on October 22, 2012

"Jack-Be-Nimble liked his job as a messenger. It didn't pay much, but he loved being on the bike, and the people he worked with were really cool. Then he got T-boned by a livery cab, and didn't have health insurance, so he had to move back to Ohio."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 3:47 PM on October 22, 2012 [3 favorites]

griphus Why I find it personally grating are the insults, both backhanded and blatant, to any pursuit other than the arts. There are those that would actually prefer the hare's job in technology to writing a memoir. It also paints artists as petty and vindictive. I know it's not possible to do a nuanced study with these little one liners of whimsy, but it seems to infantilize creativity and degrade all other pursuits.
posted by karmiolz at 4:00 PM on October 22, 2012

The little red hen wrapped up her leftovers, labeled them and put them in the fridge. When she got home from class, her food was missing and her roommates were smoking up in the living room. Instead of getting yelling, she left a post-it note: "Who will help me eat this bread? Apparently it's you guys!"
posted by giraffe at 4:01 PM on October 22, 2012 [8 favorites]

Why I find it personally grating are the insults, both backhanded and blatant, to any pursuit other than the arts

I feel like that is a function of the narrative mode and reflects on the narrator's state of mind as equivalent to that of the characters. Personally, that's why I find them endearing. The narrator isn't any wiser than the characters.
posted by griphus at 4:27 PM on October 22, 2012

"damn, shit just got real"
posted by solipsophistocracy at 4:29 PM on October 22, 2012

griphus I have to say reading them that way is much more enjoyable.
posted by karmiolz at 4:35 PM on October 22, 2012

Loved those. Thanks.
posted by nickyskye at 4:55 PM on October 22, 2012

While I was 32 I thought I had a lot the important stuff figured out and now I was moving on to new challenges.

At 33 I know I was wrong.
posted by flaterik at 7:09 PM on October 22, 2012

"hansel and gretel dumpster-dived and got hepatitis."

They should have gone with this script for the movie.
posted by homunculus at 10:15 PM on October 22, 2012

Also, I'd like to state that I do not understand the aversion people seem to have to these. Are they not striking home and relatable, and that's it?

That's mostly it. This isn't fairytales for twentysomethings, but fairytales for twentysomething college dropouts trying to get some sort of art career/alternative life going and who'd twenty years ago would've written whiny dairy/slice of life comics but now just start a Tumblr.

It's okay for what it is, but it's not exactly relevant to my interests.
posted by MartinWisse at 3:27 AM on October 23, 2012

I was momentarily confused by that picture of King Arthur in the boat. I thought he had massive boobs, but actually he's only crossing his arms.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 5:30 AM on October 23, 2012

At 33 I know I was wrong.

Did somebody say the magic number?
posted by psoas at 6:09 AM on October 23, 2012

Fairy tales for 40-somethings: that moment when you realize you've turned into your own wicked stepmother.
posted by drlith at 6:29 AM on October 23, 2012

This isn't fairytales for twentysomethings, but fairytales for twentysomething college dropouts trying to get some sort of art career/alternative life going and who'd twenty years ago would've written whiny dairy/slice of life comics but now just start a Tumblr.

I don't know, this really puzzles me. It must be the way you read it or the mindset you're in when you read these things, because I'm a 20-something (losing that status in a year), who has had a regular 9-5 job since I graduated college (knock on wood), paid off all my debts, don't have mom or dad paying my rent, all that "square" bullshit, but I totally identified with these fairy tales.

I didn't find that they were making backhanded insults at people who didn't choose the arts or an alternative path, but reflected the weird doubts and disillusionments I've had since I was 25. Like why am I bothering being responsible and plugging away at being secure or whatever it is when other people I know who barely scraped by are meeting success and or fulfillment...or even worse! Seem to have matured and developed as people more than I have, just with more fun and cool stories about their wild and crazy youth. People doing shit like settling down, having kids, buying houses and owning businesses after years of what I though were haphazard/misspent youth, while I just feel like I'm in some kind of cubicle farm limbo and my life is at a standstill after making all the right choices.

Not to say this as a judgement on artistic whatever types. I just mean that the stories speak to me in the sense that there was a weird shift for me in how I saw how the world works. As you grow older you realize your life is what you make of it and all preconceived notions drilled into your head about "correct" paths to achieving this can be bullshit in the right hands. Some of us worry that maybe we did too much to make anything of it, while some of us lament that maybe we didn't do enough.
posted by kkokkodalk at 10:31 AM on October 23, 2012 [5 favorites]

I really want to know what people find so grating and obnoxious about them.

They are very First World Problems, and most relatable to upper-middle class urbanish technophile young people like the titular demographic of Stuff White People Like. People not of that demographic would find this grating and spoiled and privileged (other than for the massive student debt for going into the liberal arts, natch). And people of that demographic would find this both a sad reflection of their own lives, or because "this is totes hating on my lifestyle, gawsh."
posted by Apocryphon at 1:36 PM on October 23, 2012

Did somebody say the magic number

Oh hey, now I feel better about my life.

It's like some sort of seafood pasta stain story
posted by flaterik at 1:56 PM on October 23, 2012

So mad I didn't post this. This is amazing.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:01 AM on October 25, 2012