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You Should See My Other Hat. Fuck You.
October 22, 2012 9:06 PM   Subscribe

The Final Word in Haberdashery
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 (41 comments total) 4 users marked this as a favorite

 
Previously, on the green.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:09 PM on October 22, 2012


Where might one preorder this fine chapeau?
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 9:19 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


This lacks beer can holders.
posted by poe at 9:19 PM on October 22, 2012


But it's not a fedora.
posted by zabuni at 9:22 PM on October 22, 2012 [4 favorites]


Needs a chinstrap-mounted vuvuzela.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 9:22 PM on October 22, 2012 [7 favorites]


This lacks beer can holders.

Reading fail:

"The hat also features brackets larger than those found on traditional foam dome-style hats, which are capable of securely holding 24-ounce “tallboy” cans of beer."
posted by axiom at 9:23 PM on October 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


“Tequila,” “Popcorn,” and Sisqo’s “The Thong Song”

This hat has an awesome playlist. This is an R-rated PeeWee's Playhouse caliber hat.
posted by not_on_display at 9:32 PM on October 22, 2012


The base hat shape should be 'wedge of cheese.'

TAKE THAT, WISCONSIN
posted by Sys Rq at 9:39 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


Must we do the fedora thread AGAIN?
posted by Apropos of Something at 9:40 PM on October 22, 2012


Might look spiffy with the right car....
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 9:42 PM on October 22, 2012


But it's not a fedora.

...worn with jeans, a t-shirt, and feelings of entitlement to the attention of women.
posted by Pope Guilty at 9:44 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


Shouldn't we be complaining about the latest dumb trend: the ironically-patriotic star spangled keffiyehs?
posted by TwelveTwo at 9:45 PM on October 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


My Other Dick Is in Your Mom’s Mouth is pretty amazing.
posted by latkes at 9:52 PM on October 22, 2012 [10 favorites]


Damn, I thought this was about an Are You Being Served reboot.
posted by arcticseal at 9:53 PM on October 22, 2012


I agree with most of this hat's features in their jerk-specificity; however, The Thong Song is a masterpiece that speaks to all of mankind.
posted by flippant at 9:56 PM on October 22, 2012


I, too, came here to mention the sublime phrase "My Other Dick Is in Your Mom’s Mouth."
posted by griphus at 10:10 PM on October 22, 2012 [5 favorites]


I would like to see an Are You Being Served robot.
posted by hydrophonic at 10:25 PM on October 22, 2012


Something is wrong with this kickstarter link. I couldn't find the donate button.
posted by etc. at 11:52 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


But how does it dispense confetti, firecrackers, and/or silly string?
posted by evidenceofabsence at 12:10 AM on October 23, 2012


But how does it dispense confetti, firecrackers, and/or silly string?

with reckless abandon and disregard for safety.
posted by dubold at 1:33 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


I guess now I see how Ted Turner hopes to make his next billion.
posted by Mezentian at 3:22 AM on October 23, 2012


The final word in haberdashery, as applied to this hat, is "no."*

*Or "no, thank you," assuming that you are a) polite and b) not too hung up on the singular number of "word."
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:01 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


that is a stupid hat. it would sell to bad people.
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 5:24 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


This stupid hat is stupid and wrong. Look, we all know hat technology is 50 years behind naval technology. It's time to move forward. The age of battleships has passed and so must the age of single stupid hats. Stupids of the future need to think along one of two naval inspired lines:

1) Stealth stupidity - You don't see this stupid coming. The hat hides, possibly beneath a toupee or bad haircut (see: Trump), and then rises up from the depths of stupidity to ICBM you right in the jerkface. The range of the hat is practically unlimited - people miles away will feel the power of your stupid.
2) Farce Multiplier - A squadron of jets on an air craft carrier can allow one vessel to dominate an entire region. Similarly, a squadron of satellite stupidity based around a core hat would allow total stupid dominance. Picture a stupid hat. Now picture that hat on Honey Boo Boo's mom. Now give the entire family smaller, matching hats. You have just occupied the Persian Gulf of stupidity.

Admittedly, these are expensive options and require a deep commitment to jerkpid stupwaddery. For developing idiots who might not have the dim resources to construct a fleet of these hats, consider the smaller, bespoke skiff hats constructed out of found newspaper or campaign mailers. Like the Somali pirates from which these hats take their inspiration, the wearer can stupid up, don the hat, and deploy targeted jerkdom by lowering their head and charging full bore at the target. Then before any retaliation is possible, simply discard the hat and fade into the local background noise of ambient dumbness.

It's a new world of stupid hats out there and that's before we even get to the Dreamland of fedoras and other long range douchebombers.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:53 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


haberdasher ≠ hat maker; milliners and hatters are hat makers.

hissssss

posted by elizardbits at 6:35 AM on October 23, 2012 [7 favorites]


It lacks the ability to "like" facebook things and it doesn't tweet, so, failure.
posted by karlos at 6:38 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


The punchline?

They'll sell a billion of 'em at Xmas. On TV. And throw in a blanket with sleeves with each order.
posted by kinnakeet at 6:39 AM on October 23, 2012


They'll sell a billion of 'em at Xmas. On TV. And throw in a blanket with sleeves with each order.

The commercials will feature jerks who can't figure out how to put a hat on.
posted by tommasz at 7:04 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Related: Fuck you, look at my cool hat
posted by jscott at 7:05 AM on October 23, 2012


The commercials will feature jerks who can't figure out how to put a hat on.

I look forward to the black-and-white shot of a guy just reading a paper while taking a dump into it and then big red X buzzes onto the screen.
posted by griphus at 7:17 AM on October 23, 2012


Sorry, my jerk hat needs to be more specific.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 7:40 AM on October 23, 2012


The final word in haberdashery is her.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:29 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


It pairs nicely with a tuxedo tee-shirt.
posted by SnuffyMcDuffy at 8:31 AM on October 23, 2012


My Other Dick is in Your Mom's Mouth

This is a sentence of rare, stark beauty, and deserves some kind of an award. Just what that award would be, and what form it would take, is something I've been pondering.
posted by kinnakeet at 8:58 AM on October 23, 2012


I SAID

Sorry, my jerk hat needs to be more specific.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 9:10 AM on October 23, 2012


Does it come in pinstripe?
posted by Tanizaki at 9:14 AM on October 23, 2012


I too predict it would sell like hotcakes; to both people who would wear it unironically and those who'd wear it as some sort of artistic meta-statement.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:06 AM on October 23, 2012


Nigel Tufnel, on being asked what he would do if he weren't a rock star: "A salesman, like maybe in a, uh, haberdasher, or maybe like a, uh, um... a chapeau shop or something. You know, like, 'Would you... what size do you wear, sir?' And then you answer me."

See, Nigel knows the fine distinction between a haberdasher and a seller of hats. Let us all aspire to be more like Nigel.
posted by fikri at 10:44 AM on October 23, 2012


This hat really does go up to eleven.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:14 AM on October 23, 2012


The Stupid Hat for Jerks™
posted by mrgrimm at 11:57 AM on October 23, 2012


This appears to be a final word about milnery.


I don't see anything here about notions, buttons, zippers, ribbon, or mens outfitting.


Props to elizardbits for getting there first!
posted by blackfly at 12:49 PM on October 23, 2012


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