Join 3,512 readers in helping fund MetaFilter (Hide)


BOYFRIEND REQUIRED
October 22, 2012 11:20 PM   Subscribe

boyfriend_require/README-en.md
----------
======================
After having spent one too many years not interacting with the opposite sex, I began to feel like I would never find a partner, and so it is with a sense of urgency that I've decided to invite people to contact me here.

1. No smokers. (Required)
1. No one whose personality changes when they drink. (Required)
1. Someone who has at least 5 friends from elementary school, high school, or university that they still keep in contact with.
1. Someone who has professional relationships, which have lasted at least one year, with over 20 people (this includes relationships on Facebook).
1. Someone who does not blame other people for his own problems.
1. Someone who can tolerate social gaming companies like Zynga, GREE,
or Mobage.
1. Someone who does not compare me to my mother.
1. Someone who sympathizes with the work of Peter Drucker and who
has adopted some of his "seven principles".
1. Someone who maintains their own server (Required, Linux preferred)
1. Someone who will let me help them maintain their own server (Required)
Favorite Artists: Lady Gaga, Billy Joel, Nickelback, Linkin Park, Chicago, George Winston, ZARD, Kouzou Murashita.
If you've read the above preferences and feel you match at least 28/30 of them (30/34 for software engineers), please contact me:
posted by grobstein (170 comments total) 17 users marked this as a favorite

 
If you've read the above preferences and feel you match at least 28/30 of them (30/34 for software engineers), please contact me:

Heh, what, no.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:29 PM on October 22, 2012 [5 favorites]


White iPhone and white iPad? No wonder she's desperate.

Actually though, this is a clever idea. If I lived in Tokyo I'd totally want to hang out with her.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:29 PM on October 22, 2012


I wish her the best of luck. Because no matter what happens, she's just begging for disappointment.
posted by chimaera at 11:31 PM on October 22, 2012 [8 favorites]


So GitGub is the new OKCupid? I don't want to live in this internet anymore.
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:31 PM on October 22, 2012 [14 favorites]


I'm afraid my list would include 1. No-one who makes annoying lists of requirements. But that's okay, I'm sure she'll find someone willing to put up with it.
posted by Justinian at 11:32 PM on October 22, 2012 [6 favorites]


"Someone who can tolerate social gaming companies like Zynga, GREE, or Mobage."

Clarification, please? Does this mean I have to be able to tolerate any one of these three, or do I specifically have to be able to tolerate Zynga?
posted by bicyclefish at 11:34 PM on October 22, 2012 [9 favorites]


I'd be into it if for every good one, Someone who feels they are happy no matter what their current circumstances may be., there is a shitty one.

This just makes me feel... bad. Is that what we're supposed to feel here?

I'm so sorry that you feel preferring mac or linux instead of windows is a thing to want in a partner.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:34 PM on October 22, 2012 [2 favorites]


Sorry, but Markdown sucks.
posted by vsync at 11:34 PM on October 22, 2012 [6 favorites]


Someone who does not force their beliefs on other people

Heh.
posted by polyhedron at 11:41 PM on October 22, 2012 [22 favorites]


NICKELBACK? You go straight to hell, lady.
posted by lumpenprole at 11:41 PM on October 22, 2012 [88 favorites]


But my neighbor is an asshole. ANGRY DRUNK
posted by Brocktoon at 11:43 PM on October 22, 2012 [1 favorite]


It's kinda cute even if her Spec Driven Relationship Methodology comes of as peculiar. Who the hell am I kidding: this is exactly the kind of stuff I expect from other developers. I'm just surprised this wasn't written in EBNF or as a Node.js module.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 11:49 PM on October 22, 2012 [9 favorites]


I think having lists like this is one of those stages we all go through while growing up. Usually these lists are not only missing many of the important qualities that people should be looking for (perseverance, patience, kindness, ability to communicate even during moments of mutual anger, wants/doesn't want kids, etc) but they are also missing the kinds of factors that usually lead to attraction and dates. In other words, she might end up really attracted to a person, and go on many fun dates, only later to realize that the person violates many points on her list. More likely she wlll have forgotten it by this point.

In high school, it is "I'll never date someone who wears white socks with brown shoes." Years later it is "I can't believe I went out with someone who is so controlling, selfish, dishonest... "

I wonder how long it will take until she tosses the list. If she actually meets someone who meets every criterion on her list (that's if she even notices such a person, which is unlikely), it will be gone pretty quickly.
posted by eye of newt at 11:50 PM on October 22, 2012 [25 favorites]


Had me up until Nickelback. Then I realized it was a prank. Or a dream.
posted by Mike Mongo at 11:52 PM on October 22, 2012 [6 favorites]


I can't get over that she included a management theorist. No, sorry, I prefer "Who Moved My Cheese?" Guess our love wasn't meant to be.
posted by salvia at 11:52 PM on October 22, 2012 [8 favorites]


30/34 for software engineers is going to be pretty hard, because, honestly, unless you work for Gree or Mobage, you can't be an IT person and feel anything other than hate for them.

Also, the fact that "Someone who does not compare me to my mother." is enough of an issue to put on the list is a pretty strong indicator that this person is incredibly similar to her mother.

Fortunately, nothing to do with me, because I don't come anywhere close to the 28 point cut-off for non-software-engineers.

salvia: "I can't get over that she included a management theorist. No, sorry, I prefer "Who Moved My Cheese?" Guess our love just wasn't meant to be."

It's weird that Drucker's on the list, of course, but keep in mind that Drucker is really, really famous here in Japan. Still odd to put on a list, but not as odd as it would be in, say, America.
posted by Bugbread at 11:54 PM on October 22, 2012 [3 favorites]


I sympathise with the works of Peter Dinklage, will that do?
posted by dumbland at 12:00 AM on October 23, 2012 [15 favorites]


Forty minutes in and nobody's made a HARDCORE FORKING ACTION joke yet?
posted by bbuda at 12:01 AM on October 23, 2012 [13 favorites]


avorite Artists: Lady Gaga, Billy Joel, Nickelback, Linkin Park, Chicago, George Winston, ZARD, Kouzou Murashita.

Aha, ahahahaha, haha, ha ha ha.

NO.
posted by Jilder at 12:01 AM on October 23, 2012 [19 favorites]


She appears to work at a social gaming company. Somebody who hated the whole notion of social gaming--I'm reminded of that part of We Are Never Getting Back Together? Like, it might be fine to talk trash about Taylor Swift to your girlfriend because you're so indie, but, uh, probably not if your girlfriend is Taylor Swift.
posted by gracedissolved at 12:04 AM on October 23, 2012 [5 favorites]


It's early in my part of the world. I haven't had my full dosis of caffeine just yet and my psychiatrist is on his bike, making his way to my home for a house visit. It's true, I was the one who rung him, but he hung up with the words "don't react on mefi until I have arrived."

Guess it's too late now.

Lady: I don't like prawns...
posted by stthspl at 12:08 AM on October 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Personality: Laid back
posted by evidenceofabsence at 12:09 AM on October 23, 2012 [9 favorites]


Jesus, there are only 7 billion people on the planet - she's going to have to trim that list significantly to increase the odds that her match even exists.
posted by she's not there at 12:10 AM on October 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


I'm afraid

13.Someone who strives to always better himself.

crashes with

19.Someone who feels they are happy no matter what their current circumstances may be.


If you are happy no matter what, why will you strive to better yourself?
posted by Harald74 at 12:10 AM on October 23, 2012 [7 favorites]


Christ, what an asshole.
posted by The otter lady at 12:15 AM on October 23, 2012 [13 favorites]


Harald74: "If you are happy no matter what, why will you strive to better yourself?"

Because doing so also makes you happy? Do you really find it odd that a person could be, for example, happy, yet also try to learn the guitar, or to paint, or a new programming language? Only unhappy people study things?
posted by Bugbread at 12:15 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


On the other hand, it's fine to hate Zynga and make comparisons to mothers if you pass the others. The mandatory ones are marked (required). It's easier to pass the test, actually, if you're not a software engineer.
posted by ikalliom at 12:16 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


As somebody who writes specs for software engineers, this is a great example of why I'll probably always find work. She needs to find herself an analyst to sit down and review her requirement doc before she sends it out for signoff.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:17 AM on October 23, 2012 [50 favorites]


If my wife of ten years and I had drawn up requirements lists in our 20s, we would pretty much have excluded each other. Different religious views, interests and physical distance would all be showstoppers.

Instead, we just happened to meet at a mutual friends' place. After a while we discovered we shared a sense of humour, and over time we came to find good qualities in each other, and attraction developed.

Twelwe years, one wedding and threee kids later we're still together. I hope the requirements-writing gal is not shutting the door on opportunities to develop a relationship (romantic or otherwise) with people who doesn't live up to her specifications.
posted by Harald74 at 12:19 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Is this a Japanese or non-Japanese woman? This line

Someone who likes eating vegetables and natto.

Uh, yeah. Natto. She must be looking for a Japanese guy, then. This should scare off 99% of all men (that have tried natto).
posted by zardoz at 12:22 AM on October 23, 2012 [12 favorites]


Bugbread:
Harald74: "If you are happy no matter what, why will you strive to better yourself?"

Because doing so also makes you happy? Do you really find it odd that a person could be, for example, happy, yet also try to learn the guitar, or to paint, or a new programming language? Only unhappy people study things?


Is that person really striving then? I read "striving" as "not happy with the current circumstances", but it might just be me. English is my second language.
posted by Harald74 at 12:22 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Nah, striving can be read as "trying really hard".
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:24 AM on October 23, 2012


Whenever I see something like this what I really want to know is if Josh ever found a Godly Wife.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:26 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


The natto article on Wikipedia (yes, I had to look it up) made me once again thankful for the lack of Smell-O-Vision...
posted by Harald74 at 12:26 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


After reading this I found that I fit all of her preferences. This angered me and prompted me to send her hate mail. After further reading I discovered that I was disqualified from contacting her. Well, there are always plenty more fish in the sea.
posted by coolxcool=rad at 12:29 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


This obviously says more about the types of people she meets in her day-to-day interactions than it does about anything else, really. Every point is probably an awful date or relationship. (I'd say a good half or more of these are just "are you a reasonable human being?")

Some of the very specific stuff seem wonky, maybe, and having the bar be a 95% match rate smells like asking for failure--but if she's looking to date another engineer, this seems more like a checklist to weed out the troglodyte clueless and Nice Guys. I want to hate on it but can kind of see her POV.

The flip side is there's a dude out there patting his apache box which he uses to host a minecraft server and thinking "my day has come. I've got four of 32 already, let's work on the others."
posted by maxwelton at 12:31 AM on October 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Josh never found a godly wife. His line ended. The end.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:43 AM on October 23, 2012


Metafilter: my psychiatrist is on his bike, making his way to my home for a house visit. (...) "don't react on mefi until I have arrived."
posted by CautionToTheWind at 12:48 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


TOCATY list

1. must not bleed from eyes more than 3 times per week, less if accompanied by harsh raking cries
2. must disclose if you have more than 50% dog ancestry
3. thats it
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 12:53 AM on October 23, 2012 [10 favorites]


She was someone who writes code so good it makes her cry? Has anyone anywhere ever cried tears of joy at code?
posted by fightorflight at 12:54 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Has anyone anywhere ever cried tears of joy at code?

When the tears of pain are over, you weep for joy.
posted by rough ashlar at 12:59 AM on October 23, 2012 [11 favorites]


Someone who can go the winter without turning on the AC/heater.

I dare her to try living in Winnipeg without violating this rule.
posted by vasi at 1:04 AM on October 23, 2012 [7 favorites]


You guys, I think you're being really unfair.

Natto, and durian, and all the other 'wacky' asian foods you're terrified of are all totally not a big deal. It's like getting a shot at the doctor's: the fear of unpleasantness is way worse than the reality.

Honestly there's a reason why they give you a packet of mustard and soy with your natto. Becuse it doesn't taste like anything.

This lady on the other hand: lol no.
posted by danny the boy at 1:06 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I like my food to taste like things and also to not be fermented.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:14 AM on October 23, 2012 [5 favorites]


You lost me at Nickelback
posted by DanCall at 1:16 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I have to give points for use of an unusual venue to look for dates. I love that there's a whole list of patches that people have submitted to her list!

Unfortunately the project isn't under an open-source license! That's violating the github terms of service, which is totally a deal-breaker for me.
posted by vasi at 1:16 AM on October 23, 2012 [11 favorites]


I'm puzzled as to how she's managed to be a female software engineer and not interact with people of the opposite sex. (Though to be fair, she probably means "people of the opposite sex I would date", in which case I completely sympathise.)
posted by Xany at 1:16 AM on October 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Back in the days when I was active in the local branch of the political party I was a member off, there were always a couple of people who were very active in the branch, but had little to no influence on policy whatsoever, who wanted to get their ideas heard but had no clue about how to get them supported by the local leadership and branch members. These were the people who had no political savy whatsoever, who distrusted anything that smacked of doing politics and who had no clue how much was done informally. Instead they had a great reference for The Rules and always tried through formal methods to get their ideas adopted, spending a lot of time and energy trying to make The Rules perfect and combatting what they saw as evil dangerous smoky backroom politics. Even when their ideas were good, for some strange reason they were rarely adopted.

I see that some sort of impulse here, that urge to quantify, make explicit and formalise things that go easier if you don't.
posted by MartinWisse at 1:17 AM on October 23, 2012 [12 favorites]


HA HA HA WEIRD LONELY PEOPLE ARE FUNNY.

I hate this post.
posted by LarryC at 1:25 AM on October 23, 2012 [24 favorites]


vasi: "I love that there's a whole list of patches that people have submitted to her list!"

I also like that a good deal of the patches are sincere. She had originally written something that would translate as "someone who doesn't force me to do all the housework by myself", which was patched to something equivalent to the English translation, "Someone who can share in doing housework/chores."
posted by Bugbread at 1:33 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Natto, and durian, and all the other 'wacky' asian foods you're terrified of are all totally not a big deal.

A good percentage of the hotels in southeast Asia beg to differ.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:38 AM on October 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


My Algorithm: posted by ecmendenhall at 1:54 AM on October 23, 2012 [5 favorites]


"Someone who does not compare me to my mother."

This is a thing?
posted by bardic at 2:10 AM on October 23, 2012


I would belive that "someone who does not compare me to his mother" would be more of a thing.
posted by Harald74 at 2:13 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


On the other hand, it's fine to hate Zynga and make comparisons to mothers if you pass the others. The mandatory ones are marked (required). It's easier to pass the test, actually, if you're not a software engineer.

It looks like it's easier to pass if you are a software engineer (who will let her help maintain your server). All the engineering items are required, so you get an extra two non-engineering passes.
posted by Phssthpok at 2:31 AM on October 23, 2012


Back off my damn server, lady. Get your own.
posted by corvine at 2:53 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


Poor thing. Assuming this list is a reflection of the men she interacts with on a daily basis, she must be completely frustrated with guys in her industry. For Cripes sakes, she had to specify that her dreamboat can say "hello" and "goodbye"!

I love list:

1. Make a list of qualities you want in a partner.
2. Turn list into a mirror: do you meet your own standards? Either fix your shit or lower your standards.
3. Burn list, go do whatever the hell you want.
posted by peacrow at 3:12 AM on October 23, 2012 [11 favorites]


Harald74: "I would belive that "someone who does not compare me to his mother" would be more of a thing."

I just checked the Japanese original. It skips the pronoun, so it just says "someone who does not compare me to mother", without specifying which. I would translate it as "his mother". Anyone familiar with Github enough to put in a bug fix?
posted by Bugbread at 3:12 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


The thing about github is it's easy too get forked.
posted by jenkinsEar at 3:23 AM on October 23, 2012


I'm worried Github will soon be classified as NSFW.
posted by surplus at 3:31 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I haven't cringed this hard in months

A far better one would be "Are you a kernel panic? Because I'd like to press Alt-SysRq-c and get your coredump."

You're welcome, nerds, name your first child/cat/goat after me.
posted by cmonkey at 3:36 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


Also this is totally not what GitHub is for.
posted by cmonkey at 3:40 AM on October 23, 2012


Sympathy for Drucker?

Sorry. He reminds me of Tom Peters and "In Search Of Excellence", the prior generation's suck-up to the ruling corporations.

Which reminds me of the Greatest Generation, Brokaw's suck-up series.

I don't care how right Drucker is, I've seen enough management religions abused and I refuse to let them take me camping without a chaperone.
posted by surplus at 3:41 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


You lost me at Chicago.
posted by freakazoid at 3:48 AM on October 23, 2012


help maintain my server? We're not talking root access, here, right? 'cause that's just crazy talk.
posted by Zed at 3:51 AM on October 23, 2012 [7 favorites]


I was going to have a moan about how shitty it is to come in and be mean to this person about her individual criteria, and then I saw this:

Someone who can go the winter without turning on the AC/heater.

In JAPAN? LADY YOU ARE NOT LOOKING FOR A BOYFRIEND YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A YETI
posted by ominous_paws at 3:59 AM on October 23, 2012 [24 favorites]


Has anyone anywhere ever cried tears of joy at code?

It depends, writing or deleting it?
posted by Dr Dracator at 4:02 AM on October 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


As the only person I know who brings Drucker (on Marketing, mostly) up in conversations (professional conversations, I hasten to add), I was briefly cheered. Not sure what I would say if asked about management philosophy on a date....
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:13 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


In JAPAN? LADY YOU ARE NOT LOOKING FOR A BOYFRIEND YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A YETI

Fortunately among coders this isn't as problematic as it might otherwise appear.
posted by 1adam12 at 4:17 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


In JAPAN? LADY YOU ARE NOT LOOKING FOR A BOYFRIEND YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A YETI

Maybe she doesn't want everyone to know she's a Yetiphile.
posted by louche mustachio at 4:25 AM on October 23, 2012


My wife had a firm "no smokers" policy when I came along. Boy, am I glad she tolerated that bullshit for a few years. Also glad there was no checklist barrier to entry. Then again, finding out someone's into Nickelback isn't something you want sprung on you after you've put a lot of time into the relationship.
posted by middleclasstool at 4:29 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


HEY GIRL I BET YOU LIKE TO GET HIIIIGH ON CAPS LOCK DAY! HERES MY NUMBER SO CALL ME GRAVY?
posted by not_on_display at 4:29 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


This is exactly the sort of person I imagine working at Zynga and similar places.
posted by enn at 4:35 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Natto, and durian, and all the other 'wacky' asian foods you're terrified of are all totally not a big deal. It's like getting a shot at the doctor's: the fear of unpleasantness is way worse than the reality.

You're just talking about the taste. Natto tastes kind of earthy, yeasty, a little bitter, but yeah, not much can be said about the flavor.

The smell, though...Christ on a cracker. Zap some natto in a microwave for thirty seconds, give it a good stir and sniff. If you don't cringe, then you deserve a medal.
posted by zardoz at 4:38 AM on October 23, 2012


What happens when your specs change?

What happens if he's into chubby and you lose some weight?




This is a cute approach, but real people prioritize and rank these types of things. Some of them HAVE to be more important than others, leaving you with the troubling task of setting a threshold and then, ... judging.

When you find this magical being, note that he will be the way he is only at the point you find him, as will you. You are both processes, not points. It's less about making a puzzle and more about baking a cake.

Jeez.
posted by FauxScot at 4:40 AM on October 23, 2012


The patch discussions are pretty adorable. The fact that she said "Mac OS" rather than "Mac OS X" had someone wondering whether she was running OS 9 on her Retina MacBook Pro. I love that that is a possibility given equal weight with "forgot the X".
posted by running order squabble fest at 4:52 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Hah, like developers ever bother to follow the spec.
posted by octothorpe at 5:08 AM on October 23, 2012 [8 favorites]


What I don't get is Someone who has at least 5 friends from elementary school, high school, or university that they still keep in contact with.

I mean, why? Is there some magical social acceptance formula embedded in this that I've missed? I'm hard-pressed to even come up with TWO let alone five.
posted by lineofsight at 5:44 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


When Iron Chef staged the natto battle, Dr. Hattori observed that the challenge for the chefs would be to mask the ingredient's nauseating aroma.
posted by Egg Shen at 5:47 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


She found a way to quantify the level of social acumen she is seeking in a partner in a way that's accessible to her audience. Her list is a great condensation of markers that may indicate that someone has similar interpersonal skills to her own.

Negotiating affection and daily interactions with a person who relates to others in a vastly different way is exhausting. Doing so while also negotiating cultural differences would be even more challenging. I hope she finds a reasonable match!
posted by BigJen at 5:58 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I hope she finds someone nice. I can't envy the context within which she's been trying to date that the end result is a list like this. One generally doesn't quantify "must be a decent himan being capable of social interaction and have an interest to do something except work" this way without encountering the opposite way too much. I don't really see anything totally off-the-wall here except for a few personal preferences that would't be out of place in a "stuff I like" section on a dating profile.

I think finding this Super Weird reflects on the reader a lot more than the writer, and I think she agrees.
posted by griphus at 6:01 AM on October 23, 2012 [7 favorites]


Also, having to state a firm requirement for no violence just makes me pretty sad.
posted by griphus at 6:03 AM on October 23, 2012 [14 favorites]


I'm not wild about the pointing-and-laughing we're doing. A single, late-30s professional woman in Japan who isn't already married faces a very difficult challenge. Being willing to date non-Japanese men does not solve her problem, either.

The specificity of these lists suggests to me she's experienced their opposite, and (quite justifiably) did not like the situation. Instead of continuing to date the asshole, or assholes like him, she is attempting to do better. If only the sad supplicants of romantic AskMes would do the same.
posted by Sokka shot first at 6:03 AM on October 23, 2012 [14 favorites]


Favorite Artists: Lady Gaga, Billy Joel, Nickelback, Linkin Park, Chicago, George Winston, ZARD, Kouzou Murashita

My wife and I have almost zero musical interests in common. Nonetheless, this list makes me want to go in and hug her tight.
posted by Ber at 6:09 AM on October 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


1. Willing to put up with a control freak who organizes her personal life around lists.
posted by clvrmnky at 6:17 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


This? Is pretty awesome. Although also sad, because people, it is sad that a woman has to specify "don't become violent", "treat women equally", etc. Those things should be like "must be carbon-based life form".

Most of these things really aren't that stringent.

When I decided to be really serious about dating, I could have made a similar list. I think if I'd written it out, it might have paralleled that one. At the time, I didn't think I would have needed to specify "no hitting", but since then I've met women in my (left, radical, anarchist) social circle who have experienced partner violence and partner rape, so perhaps I should have. Luckily, my partner is extremely peaceable.

But yeah, I had some nutty specifics in there too - "must get along with parents absent some compelling reason not to"; "must not trash-talk exes"; "must be politically radical and be comfortable going to demonstrations"; "must read a lot"; "must not be stupidly parochial about food absent some health reasons"; "must want to live in the city"; "must not make fun of mothers or hate their mother (again, absent some compelling reason); "must not say 'I love you' at a ridiculously early point in the relationship like a co-dependent wackaloon".

And you know what? I got a pretty decent partner out of all of it.
posted by Frowner at 6:22 AM on October 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Willing to put up with a control freak who organizes her personal life around lists.

Also, I have a beloved friend who organizes their life around lists, maps and charts. Having a list and strong standards does not mean that you're a jerk - you can be a jerk and have lists, but you can also be someone who says "I am setting up these lists so that once the list is dealt with, everything else is all freedom and relaxation!"
posted by Frowner at 6:23 AM on October 23, 2012 [7 favorites]


I had some nutty specifics in there too

IDK, none of those things you list are as weird to me as listing the colors of all your pieces of technology, as though that is an important relationship criteria.



actually on second thought, that IS important information, as i learned to my dismay when someone asked me to order them an ipod and only specified color and not capacity.
posted by elizardbits at 6:29 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think some of you may be talking the list too literally. The list defines the general space she's working in. (I accept that this does not really makes sense except to me).
Some of the items are deliberately saying more about her than about who she wants.
It's 100% (well ok, 90%) certain that if anyone contacted her after reading the post then the list of requirements would never be read or checked or really referred to from there.

I read the post originally and liked her, and mostly agreed with her requirements and only on reading mefi did I realise others might not.
What I am saying is that she seems nice. A little sad maybe, a little lonely. If I were single and looking and also if I lived in Japan then I would be tempted to say hello despite scoring only about 60% of the list.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 6:30 AM on October 23, 2012


CLOSED/WONTDATE
posted by boo_radley at 6:50 AM on October 23, 2012 [9 favorites]


Someone who does not, under any circumstances, become violent. (Required)


But what if you're being attacked by a bear or also terrorists? Huh? HUH? What then? Yeah. DIDN'T THINK IT THROUGH.
posted by kbanas at 6:52 AM on October 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Well, this certainly brings a whole new meaning to "pull request".
posted by Talkie Toaster at 6:56 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


lumpenprole: "NICKELBACK? You go straight to hell, lady."

So, I'm trying to figure this part out, and I think there are a few innocent explanations*:
  1. She doesn't want to date a guy who gets hung up on things like musical tastes. Common interests are important for relationships, but sharing musical tastes is not strictly required.
  2. She's either an American expat, or lived in the US for a while. Nostalgia manifests itself in weird ways. I'm literally too embarrassed to list the foods that I was craving after returning home from a year-long stint in the UK.
  3. She's foreign, likes American music, and probably hasn't been exposed to the best of it. I'm pretty sure most Koreans would roll their eyes if they saw Psy listed on an American's dating profile.
  4. She actually just likes Nickelback, damnit.
Seriously, I think this is pretty cool (if not a bit unconventional). She's being brutally honest, and laying everything out on the table. She's also probably right on the mark, since her ideal type probably does have a Github account.

I really think that the nerdshaming is completely unwarranted here, and I'm a bit disappointed in the tone of our conversation. The world needs more awesome geeky girls. If I was single, straight, a few years older, and in Tokyo, I'd probably submit a pull request.*

**God, that sounds creepy.

*Yes, Nickelback are terrible, and all of my better relationships have included shared musical interests, so this would be a potential red flag if I saw it in a dating profile. However, smoking/GOProud/drugs/World of Warcraft would all be much bigger red flags/dealbreakers.
posted by schmod at 6:57 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


Lists of requirements in a partner are a lot like scathing break-up letters. They're tons of fun to write, and maybe to share with a friend you trust. But you never, ever, ever let them get out into the world, because no matter how right you are, you will come across as totally batshit.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:15 AM on October 23, 2012 [12 favorites]


"What I don't get is Someone who has at least 5 friends from elementary school, high school, or university that they still keep in contact with. I mean, why? Is there some magical social acceptance formula embedded in this that I've missed? I'm hard-pressed to even come up with TWO let alone five."

I actually thought this one was pretty savvy. My social group had a member who (after becoming deeply integrated with us) turned out to be a big drama queen who spent a lot of time not speaking to people, talking behind people's backs, and eventually drawing lines, issuing ultimatums, saying really nasty things, etc., and after she flamed out completely, another friend commented, "You know, I always thought it was so odd that she had NO friends from before us." She lived in the same place she'd grown up (a lot of people around here do) and she never said, "Oh, I ran into Sarah, my friend from junior high ..." She did say, "Sarah, this crazy bitch who tried to ruin my life in junior high ..."

Anyway, we found out that this was her M.O. -- she'd get in deeply with a social group and after about 3 years, create a terrible explosion and ruin lives and lose all her friends (usually causing other people to lose friends too). I don't think it was on purpose; she was just kinda messed up, but it wasn't immediately obvious how toxic she was.

Plenty of people moved a lot, don't maintain long term ties, didn't fit in well in college, etc., and it's fine, but ever since my friend pointed that out, I've noticed it in people who are terrible friends/partners/family members and who low-level destroy lives and hurt people -- they have no friends from before RIGHT NOW. You can tell the difference between someone who doesn't maintain ties well and someone who would get hung up on by every person from the past they tried to call (can't explain it, but you can tell once you're alert to it). Plenty of terrible people have lots of friends, but this one specific subset of really toxic person has no friends from before RIGHT NOW because they can't keep any.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:21 AM on October 23, 2012 [18 favorites]


Also, I have a beloved friend who organizes their life around lists, maps and charts. Having a list and strong standards does not mean that you're a jerk - you can be a jerk and have lists, but you can also be someone who says "I am setting up these lists so that once the list is dealt with, everything else is all freedom and relaxation!"

Yes, but a list like this does not work the same way that a to-do list does, or a list of features that you need when you are shopping for a new refrigerator. Making the list and publishing it will not have the filtering effect that she seems to believe/hope that it will. That is why this list is creepy, more than any specific item on it1—believing that you can list a requirement like "Someone who does not blame other people for his own problems," and that this is something people will accurately self-assess and self-filter accordingly, reveals some very odd ideas about how people and social interactions realistically work.

It is the same reason why in every AskMe about writing an online dating profile the advice is not to be the person with "NO [whatever trait you don't like]" as a prominent part of your profile—it will repel even people who don't have that trait, because it displays a mindset about dating and people that is offputting.

1. Although the idea that there is a correct quantity of friends from school that one should retain into one's 30s seems to betray a very narrow view of the acceptable ways to live that feels controlling and judgey to me.
posted by enn at 7:21 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


I really think that the nerdshaming is completely unwarranted here, and I'm a bit disappointed in the tone of our conversation. The world needs more awesome geeky girls. If I was single, straight, a few years older, and in Tokyo, I'd probably submit a pull request.*

I don't think there's anything wrong with her being a nerd/geek. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a list like this. Whether we have it on paper or not, we all have some degree of criteria we judge our potential mates by.

I think, though, that most people react negatively to the idea of being judged this harshly out of the gate for things like what music you listen to and how good your code is. I mean, at the end, she claims that "I don't discriminate based on looks." I find it very hard to believe that a woman with this level of specificity in who she is looking for does not have a single preference when it comes to looks. That, to me, feels like further judgement on people who care about looks as "discriminating." This list is purely discrimination.

So to me, it's a little disingenuous. At the beginning she mentions not having interacting with the opposite sex for years. Why be so restrictive if you haven't even gone on crappy dates with duds? It just annoys me a little that someone could be so unaware that their own behaviour is why they don't meet interesting people and not someone's preference for Nickleback. At the end of the day, I hope she finds who she is looking for, but I don't think it's shaming anyone to react negatively to something so brutally honest and, based on my experience, brutally not how you successfully meet a partner.
posted by Rodrigo Lamaitre at 7:24 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


I find it very hard to believe that a woman with this level of specificity in who she is looking for does not have a single preference when it comes to looks.

Why? Most of what she mentions is about having a tolerable personality and a drive to do something with their life. In fact, the only time she does mention looks -- literally, the last thing she mentions -- is when she says she doesn't have preferences in them.
posted by griphus at 7:27 AM on October 23, 2012


Considering that her main audience (potential suitors?) are Japanese, I think the Nickelback is a non-issue. The odds of a Japanese guy knowing Nickelback are about as high as the odds of an American guy knowing SMAP.
posted by Bugbread at 7:29 AM on October 23, 2012


George Winston? GEORGE WINSTON????

Wow. Just wow. No damn wonder. And Lady Gaga does not cancel that.
posted by Twang at 7:30 AM on October 23, 2012


"I don't discriminate based on looks." I find it very hard to believe that a woman with this level of specificity in who she is looking for does not have a single preference when it comes to looks. That, to me, feels like further judgement on people who care about looks as "discriminating." This list is purely discrimination.

Two things come to mind: I am incredibly picky about quite a lot of things in dates, but looks aren't that important. Obviously, some people are immediately physically attractive to me, but I wouldn't rule anyone out based on initial response. So it's perfectly possible.

And frankly, I've been thinking about a certain kind of unconscious male entitlement lately - the feeling that lots of straight guys have that if a woman dresses, acts or speaks like she does not want to attract them or mother them, then she is doing something wrong. I've noticed this very much since I started dressing in a much more butch/queer way. While before, I never got any notice from men (because frankly I'm in my thirties, kind of fat and not feminine), now I get all these hostile stares and occasional weird interactions that can only be described as "getting my attention through negative behavior" - being weirdly noisy or intrusive or getting into my space. And these are often perfectly "respectable"-looking men in their twenties or thirties, dudes wearing ties, not teenagers or frat boys...they're people I don't know, too, just random men in public space or in the large complex where I work. At first I thought it was just my imagination or homophobia, but lately I feel like it's much more about entitlement - although these guys have no sexual interest in me and no social interest either, it bugs them on an unconscious level that I am pre-emptively not interested in them. To them, all the women in the world should feel either sexual or maternal toward them, regardless of whether they themselves want those women or not.*

So I think that one reason people - especially men - get so darn worked up over these lists is the mere idea that you might not be good enough for some random woman, even if she lives far away and is unsuitable in every other respect. And I think nerdy dudes tend to feel even more that just being nerdy ought to be good enough - that all nerdy women should want them for that alone, regardless of all else. So they feel that any kind of pickiness is a kind of slap in the face....even if they have no interest in the actual woman! Even if they're not attracted to her! Even if they will never go to Japan!

And that frustrates me.

*I do think this parallels how white folks feel entitled to attention/being centered in conversations with people of color and in conversations about race - it's a general entitlement way of thinking, something that I as white person have to fight in myself. I'm not saying that I'm perfect and men are terrible here.
posted by Frowner at 7:37 AM on October 23, 2012 [36 favorites]


(And that's not even getting into the requirement that you let her help you maintain your server. Maybe I'm old-fashioned but I think it's a bit much to start discussing sudo privileges (or root access, jesus!) before the first date. Talk about your co-dependent wackaloons.)
posted by enn at 7:38 AM on October 23, 2012 [5 favorites]


What Frowner said.

Also, I find lists like this sort of funny because I can really remember a time when I thought all that kind of stuff mattered in a potential partner. Talk about leaving nothing to chance!

And, finally, the Linux stuff is hilarious. If I saw that in an ad, it would make me laugh and I'd be likely to contact the person.
posted by Currer Belfry at 7:48 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Clarification, please? Does this mean I have to be able to tolerate any one of these three, or do I specifically have to be able to tolerate Zynga?

According to the rules I learned, you don't have to be able to tolerate any of those three, just companies that are similar (not necessarily identical) to them.

If she wanted to indicate that you had to tolerate (some subset of) those companies specifically, she would, of course, have used "such as" rather than "like".

Everyone (except you, apparently) knows and abides by the rules I learned, so we can be pretty sure of the solidity of this interpretation.
posted by kenko at 7:49 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


I think if I were looking for a GF the sum total of my first-contact requirements would be
1. shows some nonzero level of interest in going out with/getting to know me.
posted by jfuller at 8:13 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


It does feel like kind of a major assumption that this is being done completely straight. I mean, it's been posted to github. There's kind of an implicit joke there to start with...
posted by running order squabble fest at 8:17 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


If my wife of ten years and I had drawn up requirements lists in our 20s, we would pretty much have excluded each other. Different religious views, interests and physical distance would all be showstoppers.

I totally get this, and yet draw the line at political differences beyond a point (actual eg: self-described “increasingly right-wing”).

Also, the fact that "Someone who does not compare me to my mother." is enough of an issue to put on the list is a pretty strong indicator that this person is incredibly similar to her mother.

See, I think this would be more likely if she said contrast rather than compare. Maybe her mother is an astronaut/neurosurgeon/supermodel/dungeonmaster.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 8:27 AM on October 23, 2012


If I had 'Someone who has public repos on Github' as a requirement, I would probably have some more impressive public repos of my own than a vanilla ruby install and a couple of readmes
posted by Kwine at 8:35 AM on October 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Lost me at Nickelback.
posted by DrSawtooth at 8:49 AM on October 23, 2012


Whenever I see something like this what I really want to know is if Josh ever found a Godly Wife.

Mary Romantic was who came to my mind when I saw this. You can't beat the classics.

Anyway, I would happily tolerate Nickleback if I could ride Peter Drucker like a pony.
posted by octobersurprise at 9:03 AM on October 23, 2012


(And that's not even getting into the requirement that you let her help you maintain your server. Maybe I'm old-fashioned but I think it's a bit much to start discussing sudo privileges (or root access, jesus!) before the first date. Talk about your co-dependent wackaloons.)

I dunno, I think it's a pretty clever weed out tool. There are lots and lots of guys who claim to like nerdy, competent women who don't actually want a nerdy, competent woman. They want an attentive, knowledgeable auditor to their never ending boring tales without having to explain everything in the tale, an auditor that they'll (not so) secretly look down on as obviously inferior.

That requirement is forcing dudes to put their money where their mouth is. Do they actually think a woman can be an equal with a similar level of competence to their own or not? If no, there's no way they're letting some chick put her glossy nails on their code.
posted by winna at 9:05 AM on October 23, 2012 [9 favorites]


Mind you, I wouldn't let someone touch my databases, either, so I am not so much one to talk.
posted by winna at 9:12 AM on October 23, 2012


It does feel like kind of a major assumption that this is being done completely straight. I mean, it's been posted to github. There's kind of an implicit joke there to start with...

Thank you.

There's a dry humor that runs through the list along side the more serious stuff. It feels like a lot of people are missing that.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:25 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


To be serious for a moment, any fine reading of this goes out the window the moment this becomes (potentially) cross-cultural. I found courting rituals in Japan to be incredibly businesslike and matter-of-fact (chillingly so, to this sentimental westerner). Course, she might be a gaijin; I don't know. But I read this list very differently than I would coming from someone in Toronto or LA.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 9:37 AM on October 23, 2012


Mary Romantic was who came to my mind when I saw this. You can't beat the classics.

Wow. Just... Wow.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:37 AM on October 23, 2012


If the haters weren't so hung up on trying to find the wittiest way to tear her down, maybe they would see that she's just using real world examples to filter for particular characteristics. ABSTRACTION?
posted by hellomina at 9:39 AM on October 23, 2012


Didn't Snooki have a list like this?
posted by LordSludge at 9:43 AM on October 23, 2012


You're welcome, nerds, name your first child/cat/goat after me.
posted by cmonkey


"Mommy, Daddy, why am I named cmonkey?"
"Because amonkey and bmonkey didn't make it, sweetie."
posted by evidenceofabsence at 9:55 AM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


I'm pretty disappointed in the shaming here, too. People do not have to be Just Like You in order to be approved of as humans. Just because you're not interested based on this list doesn't mean you need to say mean things about her. We can be better than this.
posted by stoneweaver at 10:30 AM on October 23, 2012 [9 favorites]


So I think that one reason people - especially men - get so darn worked up over these lists is the mere idea that you might not be good enough for some random woman, even if she lives far away and is unsuitable in every other respect. And I think nerdy dudes tend to feel even more that just being nerdy ought to be good enough - that all nerdy women should want them for that alone, regardless of all else. So they feel that any kind of pickiness is a kind of slap in the face....even if they have no interest in the actual woman! Even if they're not attracted to her! Even if they will never go to Japan!

And that frustrates me.


I agree with you to some degree.

I think in this case, though, you're reading way deeper into this than I am. I read this and thought "here is a person who up front says they haven't had interactions with the opposite sex in years" and who has a list of 30 check-boxes you have to be able to fill in order to interact with her. I see a correlation between the problem and the methodology for finding someone.

She's comfortable with who she is and you know what? More power to her. I don't need to fit her box to feel comfortable with myself as a man. What I do see, though, is that it's pretty tough to meet people when you're boxing them out over Nickelback and how many childhood friends a person might have.

Your point on sexual preference is valid, I think, and food for thought. Thanks for it.
posted by Rodrigo Lamaitre at 11:04 AM on October 23, 2012


What a difference a sympathetic subject makes. Critique and gentle poking fun is "shaming" now?

Yes. You got me. I don't approve of this person as a human. Eeesh.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 11:15 AM on October 23, 2012


(non-edit) I mean for goodness sake, her self-described low point was sending a wink and not getting one back.

Yes, teasing is completely beyond the pale when clearly there are others with exposed nerves that may be struck.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 11:17 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Natto, and durian, and all the other 'wacky' asian foods you're terrified of are all totally not a big deal.

Its not that I'm terrified of them, it's that someone once dumped half of a durian smoothie down my sink and my whole kitchen smelled like dogfarts for the next week and a half.

HOW is that even possible, I poured vinegar down there and everything.
posted by phunniemee at 11:24 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Someone who will let me help them maintain their own server (Required)

That'd be a dealbreaker for me, as an upfront condition. In my weird little world, giving you root on my home network would be tantamount to getting married.
posted by Malor at 11:26 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


> 3. She's foreign, likes American music, and probably hasn't been exposed to the best of it.

I'm inclined to agree with something along these lines. My Japanese sister-in-law's taste in music is a sort of frankenstein mash-up of teeny-bopper pop and aging hippy tunes. Something that seems like the audio equivalent of toothpaste and OJ to me (i.e. a Katy Perry/Beatles/P!nk/Led Zeppelin playlist), doesn't phase her in the slightest. Those artists are just not ingrained with the same cultural baggage to her, so she's free to form her own quirky bewildering musical taste.

Then again, I wouldn't have dated my SIL -- even before she was my SIL -- either, so there's that.
posted by Panjandrum at 11:29 AM on October 23, 2012


DJing at my Japanese high school was a weird experience of seemingly random responses from students as to what Western material they knew and didn't, what was cool and wasn't. I mean, all over the musical map.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 11:33 AM on October 23, 2012


In my weird little world, giving you root on my home network would be tantamount to getting married.

You're not from Aus/NZ, are you?
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 11:43 AM on October 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


Yes, teasing is completely beyond the pale when clearly there are others with exposed nerves that may be struck.

Teasing rather implies that there's a back and forth. With a person that you know, that is at least nominally your friend. This is just piling on a stranger that you have never met. Yes, it does change the tenor of the comments entirely. Being kinder people is something to strive for, and does not - in any way - necessitate giving up your sense of humor.
posted by stoneweaver at 11:45 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Tell Me No Lies: "A good percentage of the hotels in southeast Asia beg to differ."

Did you notice how the sign is in english? Because it's a western hotel, with western guests? Do you think the locals have signs in their houses about durian?
posted by danny the boy at 11:49 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Someone who writes beautiful code--it makes me cry tears of joy. (Required)

She sounds charming to me. I hope she finds someone. It is a little surprising to me that she's had trouble meeting men in Tokyo through friends or co-workers or whatever.
posted by Golden Eternity at 11:52 AM on October 23, 2012


BTW I'm not saying natto and durian aren't... challenging to western palates. What I am saying is your western palates are weak and puny compared with asian culinary fortitude
posted by danny the boy at 11:54 AM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Teasing rather implies that there's a back and forth. With a person that you know, that is at least nominally your friend. This is just piling on a stranger that you have never met. Yes, it does change the tenor of the comments entirely. Being kinder people is something to strive for, and does not - in any way - necessitate giving up your sense of humor.

And shaming implies directing your censure to the person in question. Teasing does not connote back and forth, but both tone and intent are important (and at worst, benign, in this thread). It does sound like the person in question has a sense of humour -- I suspect I might be sharing the "low point" joke with her -- but I can't say the same for all MeFites.

If she is a Japanese professional woman in her 30's, I think she gets major props for just not giving up completely, but no, I do not buy into this whole "anything not supportive is shaming" vibe you seem to be going for.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 11:54 AM on October 23, 2012


I dispute the premise.
posted by SassHat at 11:59 AM on October 23, 2012


You're not from Aus/NZ, are you?

Well, even I were, I still wouldn't want to give root on my home network. Awfully uncomfortable.
posted by Malor at 12:03 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I mean for goodness sake, her self-described low point was sending a wink and not getting one back.

I think that's the other post and a different woman.

But, it's been interesting to read these two posts side-by-side, especially given my experience on OKC a few years ago. I don't see this checklist as much stranger than answering a thousand random quiz questions on OKC and seeing who is closest to you in match percentage based on a proprietary algorithm. Her list strikes me as vaguely defensive though, almost by way of a warning, and that's a little sad.
posted by gladly at 12:05 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


No one whose personality changes when they drink.

#DIV/0!

1. Someone who sympathizes with the work of Peter Drucker and who
has adopted some of his "seven principles".


Well now you're just having a go, eh?

... Nickelback ...

I'm someone who fully supports everyone's right to like crap, but c'mon now.

To anyone and everyone, I in non-capslock: Keep an open mind and an open heart when approaching new people and new situations. You don't know everything.

Also, it doesn't seem like github is the correct location for dating solicitations. I'm sure it doesn't violate the terms, but it's a little showy.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:05 PM on October 23, 2012


Did you notice how the sign is in english? Because it's a western hotel, with western guests? Do you think the locals have signs in their houses about durian?

I'll bet they don't have no smoking signs in their houses either.

The reason the sign is in English is because I took a picture of the English sign figuring that the one in Thai was not going to be of interest to my friends. I thought it funny that durian was mentioned on the English sign at all, as I have yet to meet a English speaker who would be casually carrying durian into a hotel with them.

I assure you that prohibitions against durian are not limited to western hotels, whatever you want to define those as throughout the region.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:06 PM on October 23, 2012


"Someone who does not blame other people for his own problems."

This is one of those Turing thingies, isn't it?
posted by Phyllis Harmonic at 12:09 PM on October 23, 2012


This is perhaps my favorite No Durian sign.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:11 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think that's the other post and a different woman.

ZOUNDS, you're right. Still not seeing the "meanness" in this thread, though (or the other one, for that matter). Much poking fun (which, I would submit, we would never balk at if the subject were a guy with near-identical dating conditions). Possibly a tad defensive, but again, I hesitate to read much in given the possible cross-cultural issue.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 12:12 PM on October 23, 2012


I would ideally like to meet a lady with a strong Java/C++ background but maybe PHP is your thing! Uh if you only know HTML that's alright too. Maybe there is still somethin' we could talk about like how you let your family down
posted by klangklangston at 12:22 PM on October 23, 2012 [5 favorites]


Metafilter: say 'I love you' at a ridiculously early point in the relationship like a co-dependent wackaloon.
posted by herbplarfegan at 12:33 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


You know you suck when your affection for Nickelback is the strong point of your personality.
posted by gohabsgo at 12:38 PM on October 23, 2012


Yeah ok, no meanness minus the Nickleback aspect.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 12:43 PM on October 23, 2012


Q: can you speak english?!
A: I can speak a little English.


plus "Indeed English version would be useful" and "Pull Request #8: Add English README." lead me to believe that some cross-cultural aspects are indeed at play.
posted by hot soup at 1:03 PM on October 23, 2012


The Hacker News comment thread is way kinder than the MeFi one, which makes me wonder how this community could ever claim to have some sort of moral superiority over HN. Really, is this what we're doing now?
posted by Apocryphon at 1:14 PM on October 23, 2012


Still not seeing the "meanness" in this thread

Here's the bits I see: And.... well that's about bit, really. Other than those five (and at least one is marginal in the mean department) this thread is remarkably good natured. I certainly expected to find more examples when I went looking actually.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:35 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


"What I don't get is Someone who has at least 5 friends from elementary school, high school, or university that they still keep in contact with. I mean, why? Is there some magical social acceptance formula embedded in this that I've missed? I'm hard-pressed to even come up with TWO let alone five."

Yeah, I have two left, exactly. It wasn't my fault because I was being a drama queen--everyone else moved on without me. Guess she won't date me, then.

I like the idea of making a list like this, but from what I've heard, men just flat out DO NOT READ THESE THINGS in ads or anywhere else and just contact any female because she's female, period. So what good does it do, except possibly if you're into magical manifestation?
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:36 PM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


It looks, to all appearances, like English is her second language. I don't know how much that changes the perception of the list but there it is.

Having said that: The feeling I get here is the feeling I get when people have OKCupid profiles and they get frustrated and have big disclaimers and/or warnings or whatever on their profiles. I mean, I get the drive, I really do, but when a total stranger looking for a date sees that, there's just no way not to sound a little crazy at least.

That's what comes across as so strange to me; the fact that some of these are totally normal desires and some of them are clearly "Here is a bad thing about my ex, please don't share that bad quality with them." Which, again, I get it, but no one's going to read this and go, "Oh wow, yeah this is sounding good...wait, no, I totally blame other people for my problems and I go around with a feeling of unearned superiority all the time. Ah well."

Well, that, and the fact that she works at a gaming company, owns a Wii and a PS3 (and includes the model number) and a PSP and a DS, but her ideal mate would play at most an hour of video games a day. I'm gonna blame the ESL on this - maybe she means more than she'd prefer someone who's not addicted to gaming. Who knows.

Basically this is one of those things like the girl who's spinning around and talking breathlessly about the Harry Potter premiere. It's really kind of weird, in a deeply human way, but also charming in its earnest strangeness and while I reserve the right to crack a couple jokes about how bizarre some of this is, I also hope it works out for her and I think the world is better off for having her, and people like her, in it.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:45 PM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


The Hacker News comment thread is way kinder than the MeFi one, which makes me wonder how this community could ever claim to have some sort of moral superiority over HN. Really, is this what we're doing now?

Does kindness = moral superiority?. Some people (myself included) improve their actions when pointed out how stupid they are acting.

wait, no, I totally blame other people for my problems and I go around with a feeling of unearned superiority all the time.

Exactly. About as useful as "NO JERKS." The message you are communicating is not the one you think you are communicating.
posted by mrgrimm at 1:48 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Just saying that this thread is a quite mocking and catty to someone who has romance issues, which I didn't think normally happens on MeFi.
posted by Apocryphon at 1:53 PM on October 23, 2012


In my dating life I've seen profiles that require that you make 6 figures, have a grad school or above education, are taller than [height], not be [race], not be [caste], not be vegetarian, granular religious requirements all over the spectrum, music taste requirements down to very specific subgenres of the flavor of the month, dealbreakers from chewing too loudly to not wearing designer fashion...

Compared to some of the stuff I've seen, some girl who doesn't care about looks, salary, race, age, education, and is mostly just looking for a guy who loves computers and isn't violent, lazy, snobbish or socially inept? Seems pretty harmless to me.
posted by naju at 2:36 PM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


FAMOUS MONSTER "Well, that, and the fact that she works at a gaming company, owns a Wii and a PS3 (and includes the model number) and a PSP and a DS, but her ideal mate would play at most an hour of video games a day. I'm gonna blame the ESL on this"

No, the Japanese original says exactly the same thing.
posted by Bugbread at 2:44 PM on October 23, 2012


I certainly expected to find more examples when I went looking actually.

And that is actually more callous than I remember noticing.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 3:29 PM on October 23, 2012


Apocryphon: "Just saying that this thread is a quite mocking and catty to someone who has romance issues, which I didn't think normally happens on MeFi."

Making a laundry list of your requirements doesn't make me think about your good taste in men, and how I can get into that club. It makes me think about all the broken relationships you've been in. It's an invoice of all the emotional baggage we would have to deal with. I can be both genuinely sorry she's had a such a hard time in her love life, and never in a million years want to get anywhere near that kind of project.

The point here isn't that she needs to feel bad about who she is (or that she should even care about what a bunch of strangers on the internet think). It's that, as evidenced by a plurality of reactions here, her plan of action is directly contrary to her stated goals.

Also, someone enumerating a list of minimum requirements before they're willing to love someone, and that list includes Nickelback and Peter Drucker? And you're disappointed in ME, dear reader?
posted by danny the boy at 3:37 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


danny the boy: "Also, someone enumerating a list of minimum requirements before they're willing to love someone, and that list includes Nickelback and Peter Drucker?"

Nickelback isn't in her requirements, it's just in her profile area. Very different. Drucker, on the other hand...
posted by Bugbread at 4:00 PM on October 23, 2012


Uh, yeah. Natto. She must be looking for a Japanese guy, then. This should scare off 99% of all men (that have tried natto).

YOU TAKE THAT BACK WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT NATTO
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:51 PM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Time to review changes, commit and push.
posted by Dr. Fetish at 4:56 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


This makes me want to +sudo my SO on my server. It's not like I'm giving her my gmail password or something.
posted by Space Coyote at 5:00 PM on October 23, 2012


Wow! stavros is part of the 1%!
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:13 PM on October 23, 2012


Jesus, there are only 7 billion people on the planet - she's going to have to trim that list significantly to increase the odds that her match even exists.

What are the odds of finding someone who says "hi" and "bye," isn't violent, treats women equally, doesn't force their beliefs on other people, likes children, doesn't smoke, doesn't turn into a different person when they drink, follows through on plans ... ?

Pretty good, I'd say.

People wouldn't be piling on about how insanely unrealistic her expectations are if she had worded and formatted this a little differently (e.g. not a numbered list).
posted by John Cohen at 7:07 PM on October 23, 2012


Compared to some of the stuff I've seen, some girl who doesn't care about looks, salary, race, age, education, and is mostly just looking for a guy who loves computers and isn't violent, lazy, snobbish or socially inept? Seems pretty harmless to me.

Yes, in fact, it's less picky than the average profile on OKCupid. She specifically doesn't care about your age, education, income, or appearance! Most of her requirements are very minimal. The information about herself isn't a list of demands.

OK, so, she likes a band that many people on Metafilter don't like. I don't like Nickelback either, but I also dislike a bunch of music that a lot of people on Metafilter love. Why would that bother me? The people mocking her are being more picky than she is.
posted by John Cohen at 7:15 PM on October 23, 2012


John Cohen: "What are the odds of finding someone who says "hi" and "bye," isn't violent, treats women equally, doesn't force their beliefs on other people, likes children, doesn't smoke, doesn't turn into a different person when they drink, follows through on plans ... ?

Pretty good, I'd say.
"

Sure, and if everything on her list were like that, then there wouldn't be too much of a problem. But her list also includes things like: I don't know a single person who has adopted any of Drucker's principles. I don't know a single person who can play classic or jazz piano. And I don't know a single person living in Tokyo who doesn't use the heater during winter. So, right off the bat, she has eliminated as potential candidates every single person I know (because the threshold for disqualification is 3 no's.). Now, of course, I'm sure that there are people who could totally satisfy the conditions on the list. Tokyo's a big city. But to call the odds "pretty good" seems incredibly optimistic.
posted by Bugbread at 7:26 PM on October 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Well, I match like 25 or 26 out of 30. I'm sure there's more than a few people out there who can pass the 28 out of 30 bar.

Do people remember Google's "applications" they sent out with a bunch of difficult logic/math puzzles, or about the brain-teasing questions they ask at interviews? The point wasn't that you could answer them, so much as you were engaging with them, and you showed your willingness to get to the answer. And you showed your enthusiasm for Google. Maybe she's going for a similar approach. She has people talking, that's for sure. She's probably already gotten a bunch of good candidates responding, to be honest.
posted by naju at 7:47 PM on October 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Yes, in fact, it's less picky than the average profile on OKCupid. She specifically doesn't care about your age, education, income, or appearance! Most of her requirements are very minimal. The information about herself isn't a list of demands.

OK, so, she likes a band that many people on Metafilter don't like. I don't like Nickelback either, but I also dislike a bunch of music that a lot of people on Metafilter love. Why would that bother me? The people mocking her are being more picky than she is.


Why is this link even posted? What is the value of this list? How IS it any different than the run-of-the-mill OK Cupid profile?

What's new or even halfway interesting here? Are we supposed to be impressed/amused someone posted a list of "dealbreakers" to github?
posted by mrgrimm at 9:01 PM on October 23, 2012


How IS it any different than the run-of-the-mill OK Cupid profile?

It got posted on github which in turn led to bugs being filed on it.

This post is about an arguably clever idea that had a cute side effect. It doesn't have to be any more complicated than that.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:16 PM on October 23, 2012


Wow! stavros is part of the 1%!

About damned time! When do I get my key to the Rich People Bathroom?
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 9:37 PM on October 24, 2012


oh, that 1%. bugger.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 9:37 PM on October 24, 2012


With all that natto, we'll definitely give you the keys to your own bathroom.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:15 PM on October 25, 2012


Natto protip: black soybean natto is way more delicious than the boring old brown bean stuff.

how did we get in to this natto party it's makin me HONGRY
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 3:12 AM on October 26, 2012


« Older The Final Word in Haberdashery...  |  "The original Pac-Man for the ... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments